shurikenaura's journal

New year, new resolutions

2010-01-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

It's been almost exactly one year since I last updated, most of my posts having been on my main website instead of my personal journal. 2009 was a great year to wrap up and start a new leaf in my book. I graduated from college and entered my top choice for grad school. I finally know where my academic calling lies, at least enough to pursue a 5-year research career on it. I made new friends and generally grew more confident of who I am.

Last month, I was reminded of what true friendship really means. First, I had a conversation with one of my new friends who showed me a different definition of friendship than what I was used to. G invests her whole self in her closest friends, and has the expectation that friendship means that you will reciprocate this selfless giving. I am probably butchering her definition, and didn't actually think about it until I visited a dear high school friend last week. S and her family were excellent hosts and she took me on all sorts of adventures around her town. We had a great time, and I was humbled at how much giving there was that I felt bad I took so much, not knowing how to give back except to invite S to my city and offering to show her around. I can only hope to be as good as a host as she was.

We had a conversation about our other high school friends, and it occurred to me that I never saw friendship as something I have to work for. I always thought it was okay that people came and went in your life, that "life got in the way" is an excuse for not keeping in touch. I'm ashamed to say that I have become lazy in the upkeep of my own friendships, especially ones that I claimed to cherish so much from high school. It's not enough to just keep in touch electronically; I need to consciously invest in face-to-face interactions as well. It's easy to post on someone's Wall or write them an email, but how much more would it mean to them and to your friendship if you showed that you mean what you say by following up in person? Now of course, a lot of my friends are currently hundreds and thousands of miles away, so the best that I can do with these friendships is to keep in touch by writing and hope that we will meet again someday.

So one of my resolutions for the new year is to be a better friend. Keep in touch with old friends, and make an effort to continue growing these relationships. Visit friends whenever I can, especially when I am home. My life is considerably less full of love without them, and it's time to show them how much they mean to me.

On materialism and some kind of nostalgia

2009-01-31T15:30:00.004-05:00

It is the weekend after spending a month with my sweetheart and before going back to college, a time in my life that always seems to be some sort of delicious purgatory spent at home. I mean this word in the best possible sense; I love my parents dearly and don't appreciate their company enough, and my mom's cooking is enough to make any distance worth traveling. But there is something that tugs strongly at my soul, enough to create feelings of unease, loneliness, and melancholy in this house.

First, I find myself not wanting to do anything. Understandably so -- it is hard whenever we go back to being a long-distance relationship after being comfortably warm and familiar with each other's presence. Reading seemed like a great escape for a while, until my parents came in and roused my fragile state. I couldn't help it. Talking about things we could do together as a family made me want to curl up in my mom's arms and cry. I missed N, but at the same time missed spending lots of time with my family. One weekend, especially a purgatory one, is not enough.

Let me explain what exactly I mean by "purgatory" in this sense. Home has become a sort of transient place between college and breaks, somewhere I go to rest and eat and spend time with family before moving off somewhere else for vacation. A waystation. My productivity shoots way down because I feel that a couple of days is not enough to build up momentum for work. As a result, the entire next week that I have planned out for school looks and feels like ashes and dust. Not only that, but the few days before and after I see N can be some of the hardest days, especially if I don't keep myself busy. It feels like a little bit of my soul is shaded. I am also feeling a greater urge to be independent from my parents, yet at the same time I still feel like a child. What I have then are moments at home that I no longer consider one of my prime natural environments, somewhere I can come to rest, but not feel alive, somewhere I long for, but cannot stay forever. I miss being home even though I am home.

When unproductive, the next logical thing to try was to pack. Organizing things always makes me feel better. I have always been vaguely aware of how much stuff this house holds from my younger years. Today, it astounded me and caused me to stress out a little. There were a lot of things that could be sold at school; old clothes and games can easily find better homes, but the more I think about it, the more I know I won't make the time to put these items up for sale. We can also donate, recycle, or reuse some as gifts.

The sheer materialism from my middle and high school years was overwhelming. It forced me to consider what trinkets I was spending my money on these days, and what I could do to clean out the old stuff. I think the best plan, although it may irk me now, is to wait until the summer before going to grad school to sort it out. There were so many pretty and shiny things that made me happy, but years, even just months, down the road, they are forgotten, only useful as a reminder of how wasteful I was and how to better spend my money.

Despite all of this, I can't help but feel optimistic. I strongly believe that I am exactly where I should be and there will be a time and place for everything. I also know that these slumps never last long, and I always emerge from them more appreciative of the more permanent things in my life.

Stories

2008-12-12T19:46:00.005-05:00

I hung out with Aya today at the Boston Institute of Contemporary Art because she has never been there before, and it's my favorite art museum in Boston. On the way, we had some pretty good conversations about random things from the fly swatter table number sign at the café, to relationships, to Aya's crazy adventures in Providence last night. This girl is seriously awesome.

The opening piece, pictured above, is amazing as usual at the ICA. It is an installation by Ugo Rondinone that features rainbow-colored mirrors surrounded by Boston Globe newspapers. Here is a height comparison (to me), courtesy of Aya's camera expertise. I mean, check out that tilt, yo, it totally reflects the whole neck-craning to look up at the bodacity of the installation. Unfortunately at the ICA, there is a $10 charge for awesomeness and attractiveness.

The main gallery also had some pretty awesome sculptures made out of everyday objects like pins, toothpicks, and plastic cups by Tara Donovan (check out the slideshow). Aya touched the pin block innocently and was gently rebuked by the hawks that stalk each corner for any sight of a camera and artwork touching. Apparently the pin block is only being held together by gravity, no glue at all. We then raided the gift shop for Christmas gifts. I got something so awesome and powerful...I can't say what it is, but whoever's receiving one is going to have so much fun, x 3. Oh man, can't wait to see it/them in action.

Said pin block.

After the ICA, we went to Downtown Crossing to So Good Jewelry where our eyes were blinded by armies of earrings and necklaces. I found a Verizon store down the street where I sampled the Blackberry Storm. Pretty shiny. The data plan, not so much. We briefly went into Macy's and bathed in second-hand perfume, then parted ways at the T.

Next trip with Aya: New York City!

First bar (non)adventure

2008-11-30T00:02:00.006-05:00

I went to a Mexican restaurant with Malissa tonight and it turns out she and her 2 coworkers were just chilling at a bar being completely mellow. She was having a strawberry banana margarita, which she let me try, and not wanting to just sit at a bar drinking water, I decided to order one for myself. I got a blueberry margarita (on the rocks, sugared rim) for $7.50, which I thought was pretty expensive, but I had never really bought an alcoholic drink at a bar before so I wouldn't know what to compare it with. (Now that I think of it, I could get a pad thai for that much from Lemon Thai...that's a whole meal and a half for me!)

I did not finish it. It tasted okay, but not as good as Malissa's strawberry banana. I got through about 1/3 of it and ate some of her friend's leftover fries (which were really good) and then started feeling something like tipsy. Again, I wouldn't know, I've never drunk this much in one night. Earlier, I had a few sips of Wachusett Blueberry, which was disappointing because it just tasted like 99% beer and 1% blueberry, and I dislike beer a lot (x10). Bleugh. I guess I was hoping it would taste like Mike's Hard Lemonade. I also had about 1/2 shot of Baileys mint chocolate, so altogether that was more alcohol than my body ever had. I just felt really sleepy and full (but not sleepy enough that I couldn't drive 5 minutes home).

Just now I remembered that I had been to Punch's Alley at my school about a month or so ago with a friend who came to hang out and visit campus. It's the bar on campus that's completely painted red, and it looks nice and fancy and small. I ordered an Alley's punch or something, and it turned out to be just grenadine and sprite...essentially, sugar water in a glass. That was only $4, but it was non-alcoholic. Too sweet + Don't like soda = Didn't drink the whole thing, either.

I'm now half-snuggled in bed with a sort-of headache wondering what this all amounts to. Drinks are just as expensive as a meal, and they do nothing but make me sleepy and headachy if I drink a lot (still little by American standards) and taste too much like sugar and alcohol. I've always known I wouldn't be a beer drinker, but that I'd be willing to try out different mixed drinks and whatnot. For now though, I'm sticking with my mini bottle of Baileys ($1, will probably last for a few days).

Baileys ftw!

I love cinnamon.

2008-11-08T09:11:00.003-05:00

You Are a Cinnamon Latte

Deep down, you are a sensitive soul. You just want to be loved and appreciated.

You may have a spicy attitude, but you're all sweetness on the inside.

You are dependable and loyal. You have your life together, and you're able to be there for other people.

You like nothing more than a warm, cozy house filled with friends and loved ones.

What Flavor Latte Are You?

75 things I appreciate

2008-11-04T19:39:00.003-05:00

Inspired by Laurie's blog :) I'm busy as heck right now but I think I should take a breather and remind myself what I'm grateful for at the moment. Still too busy to actually count how many, so I'll stop when I feel like it :)

Leading worship, playing piano, playing guitar, strawberries, Faith, friends, shepherd's pie, gravy, knowing what it means to be Chinese-American, my parents, Nick, Malissa, Sonny, this weekend, online Chinese tools, Powerpoint 2007, Yiruma, finding piano sheet music online, free printing at Knapp, movies, mail, my to-read books that are sitting on my shelf, Thanksgiving break, Christmas/Winter break, red apples, my bed, sunlight, mom's cooking, Bluetooth headset, financial security, voting, planes, the T, meeting new people, the CS/MAS department, really good books, getting stuff done, bubble baths, vanilla, cinnamon, awesome t-shirts, hugs, kisses, specialization, bubble umbrella, mature men, baking cookies, lip balm, cooking, water, fresh bananas, watermelon, my talents, honesty, every single moment I have with Nick, spending time with family, Sharpie markers, writing, intimacy, autumn leaves, willow trees, oceans, technology, Tabasco sauce, french toast sticks and maple syrup, vanilla yogurt, comfortable shoes, human-computer interaction, free pens, ergonomics, cats, Google Calendar, post-its, appreciation, chopsticks, hand soap fragrance, free time, prayer, green tech things, culture shows, Twilight saga.

New blog home

2008-10-29T20:49:00.000-04:00

I've made the decision to move from LiveJournal to Blogspot mainly because I can't stand having those pesky ads on my blog, and also there were limited layouts at LJ. I don't need the community aspect, and Blogspot is more modern-ish. I've imported all of my old posts, but consider those a me of the past.

I decided not to go to get henna done after all. Diana said she was coming, then said ohnvm last minute because she needed to do homework, and I didn't want to trek all the way in the cold to the campus center, alone, get henna done, walk back with a semi-frost-bitten hand.

Lots of Chinese homework tonight, since I'm going to try to do it all in one day again. 老师 decided not to give us the vocab quiz today because we all looked like it was really painful to do the group exercise she handed out in class. I guess we looked that tired. She gave it to us to practice anyway and I realized that I could have done it just fine. Oh well.

About Blogging

2008-10-29T16:31:00.000-04:00

I just saw a really good TED talk by Mena Trott about the blogosphere. She makes some really good points about how she thinks the best blogs are the personal ones, because there you read about people that you'll never see in the news, and it's a great way record your daily life and have your future self/kids/whatever look back on it and see what you did and how you were like.

I have to say, it was really tempting for me to jump the gun and create a new Blogspot blog that would just be my personal life. My Weebly blogs would stick to relevant updates for those who know me, but the new Blogspot blog would just be for myself, or at least my closest circle. I was reminded that I had sort of felt the same way about having multiple email addresses, but now realize that having too many defeats the purpose and makes it hard to keep track of them. But I still have 3 main ones, and an extra one just in case.

So. I suppose I should rebaptize this blog and make it officially more of a personal daily-ish blog with reflections and events. Perhaps I will find time to post every day, or maybe not, and it won't be for the readers out there, it will be for me and those close to me who want to know about some of the mundane things in my life. But mostly for myself.

I haven't updated this one since June, apparently. I've been working a lot on my *other* blogs (>_<) and being a senior in college. And knowing me, I will probably spend a few days diligently blogging, then forget about it for weeks again. We'll see how this works out.

Love

2008-06-25T20:33:00.001-04:00

Too often do I have some tiny epiphany which I mull around in my head, planning how I would write it down and remember it. Too often do I write it late, which results in something like watery eggs, or not at all, which is a disappointment when it happens (or rather, doesn't happen). But this one may actually be something significant.

I've noticed today that I tend to hit rock bottom before bouncing back up. In these dark couple of hours, my mind clouds up and I become stubborn, with no sense of what's fair, what's right, what's myself. I feel chaotic, helpless, weak. Unworthy. It usually lasts no more than a day, this wallowing in confusion and vulnerability. I become so sensitive to anything that happens, that I feel like I'd fling a lizard if someone even looks at me. Today, I isolated myself in a corner of the house. I despised what I was doing to myself, this cycle of helplessness and disgust. I didn't know why I did it to myself, only that I was left feeling guilty afterwards, wondering what had come over me.

But something was different. Somehow, out of all days, today I asked myself, Why do you do this to yourself? It's like you don't even respect yourself or realize your worth. It's almost like...like you don't even love yourself.

I must provide some context for these thoughts. I had just finished reading the fourth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book today, and loving yourself was something that had come up a few times. Also, my wonderful boyfriend told me today just how amazing he thought I was, something that I rarely agree with, if ever, and usually attribute to his being in love with me. I didn't realize until now that he knew me first.

Anyway, that question struck pretty close to home. I realized that all my life, I've been told that I was loved, and told others that I loved them, but never had anyone asked me if I loved myself, at least not quite so urgently. It's really not that obvious. I've suffered low self-esteem since when I was a kid because I have never considered that question and its importance. And as a Christian, I am constantly told and believe that God loves me, but somehow, that wasn't enough, because how could I believe I deserved all this good love if I didn't love myself? This whole time through high school and college I've been trying to find my self worth and separate that from grades and expectations and how many people liked me. This whole time I've looked enviously at models in magazines or catalogues, wishing that I were their size. This whole time I've coveted other people's talents because mine never seemed impressive enough. What happened was that I started feeling like I didn't deserve some things, like I was just an average person with nothing special to offer others. I doubted myself, was hard on myself, put myself down.

I almost panicked, frantically hoping that I'm not usually like this. When was the last time I did love myself? My thoughts didn't have to go back too far. Last summer, at Virginia Tech. I could clearly tell, and so could the others. It has probably never manifested so brightly and clearly. I was carefree, bouncy, always with a smile, social, had no worries, had no doubts about what I deserved, but most importantly, I gave it my all and let others see me for who I could be. I did not have to think twice about what I was doing. In the midst of it all, I managed to catch my boyfriend's eye and made some really good friends that I still talk to today. I must have done something right.

I need to learn to love myself, and then I'll be able to love others I want to. I wish there was more to say, like a witty ending to this whole ordeal, but reality is that I just got started, and I'm feeling pretty good about it so far.

Who am I?

2008-06-02T18:57:00.001-04:00

I feel quite lost, like a little girl being pulled in two different directions in a forest, both paths independent of each other. I wanted to spend the summer at home (while still doing professional stuff) so that I could spend time with my family, catch up on life, and update them on how I was doing. I wanted them to know me and accept me, see what college and friends have molded me into. I was quite proud of it, if anything at all. It was like buying someone a nice sweater, hoping they will like it and that it will keep them sufficiently warm throughout winter.

All I've managed to do so far was stare at the dinner table, pretending to be interested in something that I can't even focus on. All that I hear are seeped through my soul, accepted by my cultural upbringing, but rejected or challenged by my logical, rational side, which understands the values of Chinese culture, but fights for the side of free-thinking, open-minded views. I so desperately want to have a normal conversation, one that is not ridden by criticism, hasty assumptions, the past, or faulty jokes. But in trying to prepare to say something, the atmosphere is broken by spikes and shards that render it impossible for me to zone in, which results in me building glass walls around myself. I answer dully. Scathingly would be too strong of a word. Sometimes, I laugh authentically, but not nearly enough.

My culture isn't the only area that I feel divided. This doesn't get brought up often, but my hearing is another where I don't feel like I belong anywhere. To the normal-hearing, I am hearing-impaired, but to the hearing-impaired and deaf, I am normal. Where does that place me? It's not a big deal now; I've grown up with it my whole life and I'm used to it. I consider myself normal-hearing, for the most part, but it doesn't really matter. However, I am considered to be so "white" in Chinese culture that it's not even funny, but to everyone else, I look like just another Asian face with an Asian upbringing and Asian parents who push you to your limits. What does that make me? Chinese-American? But I wasn't born here. I almost refuse to be Chinese-American. Nevertheless, I am not yet an American citizen (not until next month, anyway). I've tried to put it off. I liked being Chinese. What did that mean? I know I wanted to hold on to that piece of my history and culture, but how can I feel like I deserve the title when I am being told left and right that I have been so Americanized that I cannot possibly understand or appreciate the complexities and hardships of a traditional Chinese upbringing? Why should my ethnicity be determined by how I act and what I believe and not where I was born? I feel like an alien being American. In many ways, I'd rather be a Chinese person with an American upbringing, but still stay Chinese and not American. Is that even possible? It doesn't mean that I dislike Americans, but there should be nothing wrong with wanting to stick to my roots, no matter how different I act culturally. I feel like the Chinese-American title is thrust upon me as the only explanation for my values and beliefs. In that sense, I feel thrown back and forth between the two - not quite Chinese, but not quite American. I also don't want my chosen ethnicity to solely reflect the color of my skin. I sympathize with my American friends when they say Asian parents can be harsh on their kids. I envy them when their parents let them do whatever they like or support ideas and beliefs they hold. I am able to comfort an Asian friend whose parents are too tough on her, but at the same time, I cannot stand it when a proud Asian parent smugly brags about their accomplished child.

I don't feel deserving of being Chinese. I feel like my parents are always sighing that it's too bad I don't do this or think that in Chinese. I know they are proud of me and of what I have become, but I always feel that a part of them are always saying "it's just too bad..." And it's not that I don't want to become an American citizen. When I swear in that oath, I will feel as if I have abandoned my Chinese identity, that I am now a mix of ethnicities called "American," which isn't quite exactly what I want to be. I shouldn't have to feel that the two are mutually exclusive. My American friends will probably never understand this dilemma that I am going through, and my Asian friends and family will always have some of those characteristic beliefs of Asians. I am somewhere in between, not able to reconcile with myself. I suppose I will have the rest of my life to figure out what being Chinese-American, or I guess, more politically correct, what being just plain American means. It is easy for me to be married to an American, to live the American dream and think open-mindedly and be free in all that I do, but I know that every time I go home, I will be met with my cultural background, my roots, something that I am so proud of being, yet can never seem to quite rightfully own or live up to. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe home will remind me that I am human, what I am worth, what I am capable of being, what my potentials are. Maybe becoming an American citizen from an immigrant is all about finding the strengths of who I am, my original identity, and use that to create a whole new "me" that I never thought would be possible had I stayed in my home country. Perhaps, it's about using precisely that to set yourself apart from other Americans, and then collectively working together to create a better place to live, and to bring into this world something to live for. That's what I hope, and that's what I will strive for. As for one day saying that I am proud to be an American? Well, that might take a bit of work and more soul-searching to do, but who's waiting?

Do want encouragements

2008-05-13T13:02:00.000-04:00

I have to say, right now, it's not really enough just to talk with a sullen face about how I am stressed out, and this goes for everyone I talk to, online and off, on a daily basis. Do I really have to ask for more, especially when I'm going through so much? Would it take up so much of our time (those of us who do have more time, anyway. Hint: not me) to encourage each other a little bit more? Is it so damn hard for anyone to write a short, sweet email that says "I am thinking of you" or "You'll make it!", or call each other to see how the other is doing? Just because I'll see you tomorrow or sometime within the next few days, doesn't mean we have to just wait until then (by then it will be over anyways, and I'd rather not be left feeling "where were you when I needed someone?"). Are we really that time-constrained and insensitive to the silent cries of others? You can see it so clearly in their eyes. Are mine not shining enough with burdens already? Are we - am I - so selfish to secretly want this kind of pampering?

I give up trying to be right. It's just hard. Maybe it's just me, I don't know anymore, but there's no use fighting when I can't win. But what can I do? Call 3 people today and let them know that at least, I'm thinking of them.

Spontaneous

2008-04-10T13:34:00.000-04:00

Technically, I'm at work right now. It's near 70 F, gorgeous day, and I should be outside, listening to the Paprika soundtrack and just zoning off. Even better, lying on the grass with you.

I'm ahead of schedule today, and excited about my class schedule next semester. It turns out that ST is taking a sabbatical next semester, which means she won't be offering Child and Adolescent Pathology. My only other choices are Shyness with JC or Non-Verbal Communication with RA again. Shyness is Thursday mornings, and N-VC is Wednesday nights. Seeing how I did decently well in my Personality class with JC, and also because it's earlier on Thursdays, I have concluded that it's the best option. Given that, I have Tuesdays, Wednesdays (except 9:50am Chinese class) and Fridays completely off! How exciting :D

Tay Zonday has an awesome voice.

*looks around confusedly because the folder she was working on has automatially started making .jpg duplicates of the .tifs o.O*

And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
and nothing less, cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring
And I want make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we’re gonna do it come we do it right

Gwen Stefani - 4 in the morning

Small

2008-04-09T10:15:00.000-04:00

My eyes are smaller this morning, not because I willed them to be, but you can't help what crying to sleep does to you. I wish I didn't have to. I wish a lot of things, but it doesn't make anything better. I almost feel envious of these other girls here who are happily waiting 39, 51, 112 days to see their other halves. Still feeling chaotic from last night, thoughts gnawing and trying to push their way out. I won't hold up for long, but I won't break down, either. Writing is my only release, but it shouldn't have to be.

But in the end, what leaves you broken
In the end, makes you better, yeah

Plumb - Better

Silent

2008-04-09T00:26:00.000-04:00

I want to say it so badly, it's practically already out there. But no, I won't say it, just wait and see what happens.

Update

2008-04-03T16:07:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the campus center stirring my too-sweet passionfruit bubble tea, in hopes that the ice will melt faster and dilute my afternoon treat. I haven't written in a while, and I didn't want to leave the tone of the last post hanging for too long. Much has happened since then, but I can assure you that I am still in love, more than ever. Oh, and I joined Twitter (chloester).

Today's just one of those days that are characteristic of a lazy afternoon - cloudless, sunny sky, green grass popping up in random patches, not feeling like you want to do anything, listening to great music on your MP3 player... I attempted to be productive by locking myself in the Media Lab, intent on reading 30 pages in my S&P textbook after starting on the next Maya project. Nope. All I succeeded in doing was fill out a class evaluation form and look tirelessly for instant satisfaction to my sudden urge to play Katamari, which started last night after a small burp of inspiration.

I realized that I felt strangely repressed in some vague way, a feeling which only intensified as I walked to the campus center. The last few days, I've had some more free time than usual to browse the web and discover new things, and to create. Sure enough, I got into RSS feeds and subscribed to some of the geekiest things ever. It made me feel connected to the outside world, away from this Bubble; promises of growth and innovation. Of course, the taste of freedom and independence was alluring enough for me to put off my work, which, naturally, leads me to become introspective when I am not distracted by shiny Web 2.0 logos. I felt a sudden urge to write, as if that would liberate my parched soul and give me wings. Big, green, glittery, translucent, strong wings. Feeling pretty good so far. I realized that I would much rather create and learn than operate on deadlines. I knew it all along, but auto-mode prevented me from minding too much. I've been able to dream about multiple projects I'd like to do, things I'd like to create, playing the guitar loudly and freely, and writing profusely, but I haven't been able to release myself to do them. I can't wait until the summer, when extraneous academic binds will no longer hold their grip on me. My self-worth will no longer be constrained to grades or memorized information, and the whole world will be mine to drink.

I long to be free, or to be set free. I have to say that aside from my faith, there's only one other person who's been remarkably close to providing me that kind of complete liberation; I can only hope that he is the one. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of freedom. I am sure that until then, I will continue striving towards anything and everything that makes me feel alive.

The bubble tea tastes much better now.

Numb

2008-02-10T22:56:00.000-05:00

It doesn't feel like I'm part of your life right now. You might as well not be here at all...it feels the same way, so what difference does it really make?

Ugh, why do I feel so chaotic right now? Why does it never feel like you'd be someone who could find me in the darkness? I want to be found, all the time...but you give up too easily when I push you away. It's almost like I'm just another person in your life...you don't act like you need me at all; all you have are your sweet words and busy work. Maybe you really don't, and are just attached to romantic ideals, or maybe I try too hard, and give too much, making it easy to take me for granted.

I'm sorry for making this so hard. Maybe I just need to let it out.

::rain::

Minismile

2008-01-31T11:46:00.000-05:00

Once upon a clear day, the Girl woke up early in the morning, just like she had since last Sunday. She started off her day by nibbling on a piece of Fruit, running on The Elliptical while reading her Chinese Lessons, then ate more Fruits and Eggs for breakfast. The Sun shone in her hair that day, and she felt especially radiant. This was an Ordinary Girl, except, she was in Love with a Boy. Not just any boy. The Boy. He had saved her from alligators the summer before, bravely swinging on vines to pluck her out of murky waters, then gently laying her down on dry ground. The Two had looked at each other, panting from the excitement, when something in their Eyes sparked Love and Beauty. Since then, they have been Together, adventuring the distant lands of the Orient, having meals in the Wilderness (where The Boy cooked up a delicious meal from fresh wild quail and red wildberries), and spending Dreams in each others' Arms. They did all of this without speaking, as speech was forbidden in their world. To compensate, the Girl would show her Soul to the Boy through her dark Eyes, and it was usually so that if you could see someone's Soul in their Eyes, it meant they Loved you Deeply. This was how they showed each other their Love.

There were times when the Boy had to leave to go on Missions to free speech from the Law. It was an important thing, a Beautiful Thing, one that will bring them Closer in the end. It sometimes made the Girl very Sad, because she could not see or touch the Boy, but because he Loved her, he would send whispers through the Clouds, which was the only way to communicate with her. As long as the Clouds whispered to her every day, she would know that the Boy was thinking of her and that he Loved her, and he made sure he did this whenever he could. On this Ordinary day, the Ordinary Girl minismiled up to the sky and the Sun smiled back. There were no Clouds in the sky, but the Sun promised some later. The Girl happily munched on some banana bread, feeling full of Love. She eagerly awaits the day when the Boy, her 100% Perfect Other, will return to her, the day when she can finally say, "I Love You."

tears

2007-12-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

I waited for you tonight, eagerly. I made you something! But it only rained silently.

./heartache

At least I'll fall asleep faster. It'll make the pain go away.

If only I knew...

2007-12-10T00:31:00.000-05:00

...it meant this much to you, I would have written more, and sooner.

Finals loom in the distance, but I'm strangely serene right now. This paper here doesn't seem so bad anymore; I've straightened it up, dusted it off, and organized it in a way that I can guzzle it down in one gulp (I have but one gulp left, anyway). A strategy! After today is over, I will stand victorious in battle and convert this struggle into a thing of the past...only to move on to the next obstacle in this wargame. Plentiful supply of office hours should help me beat the Hangman, and I will conquer this next psychotic examination like I did the last two - all in 4 days. With any luck, I will have hours or even an extra day left over, to be devoted to a much-wanted successful networks project, and the other psychedelic example, which will be vanquished sometime on Monday. I will need the next three days after that to usurp and encapsulate Artemenia and Etherealdawn in a 12-20 page report. En garde, comrade!

And then after that, only a week left before I get to lose myself in your eyes.

♥SCRGL
Archer-mage
20469046

想你

2007-11-25T16:17:00.000-05:00

We can make it...there is no way we can't make it if every day with you is like this...

i wish..

2007-10-25T01:24:00.001-04:00

i wish..

i wish i could touch you
to feel soulsparks and pleasure
rise up within me like a wave
the feel of your skin brushing against mine
savoring the taste of your lips
i wish i could stroke your cheek
or your eyebrows as you sleep
singing to you songs of dawn and sunsets
i wish i could lie in the dark with you
skin tingling as we kiss each other
passionately
feeling your strong body holding mine
as you let out a sigh
i wish i could comb your hair
strands of stories of fair june
gazing into your eyes like stars in the daylight
not worrying about what to do next
just being with you
and silently smile
i wish..

Dreams

2007-10-21T22:16:00.001-04:00

Dreams

If I were a grasshopper,
I'd stroke your ears by the light of night
and sing fields of marshmallows
while the ocean waved.
The rainbow platypus glides along the snow,
piping up in dreams, withleaves of sun washing over clouds.
Cherry trees dance under the stars,
winking and whispering while
the grey-white fox, knowing no bounds,
flies past the shadows of thunder.
But we don't notice, like a fantastical scene
rolling by from the windows of a train.
Unnoticed, because something much more ethereal,
and alive, and sparklier, holds our attention.
Love.
Even if it's just a dream, we know,
outside of its dominating realm,
it is real.

Florida sun: Day 2

2007-10-18T21:53:00.001-04:00

So this is the whamming October conference that I had so excitedly been waiting for, that I had gladly toiled through 6 hours of lab and endured an early test just so I could make it to here. Sitting around a table enjoying a gourmet 4-course meal and applauding all the award recipients who graciously sweep the stage and offer us "20 words of advice." At some point of the evening, my mind wanders, and I thought I would much rather be doing... and then it occurred to me that this is not where I belonged. I would much rather be home.

Home is being in LWC413 every Thursday night, leading worship team and singing praise songs while playing my guitar until my fingers hurt. I look at my watch, and it is ironically 8:45pm, around the time when we start packing up to go back to our dorms. I would much rather be there, praising God and being with my IV sisters, whom I love dearly.

Home is making memories with my love, wherever we may be, lying in his arms and looking into each other's eyes and being amazed by each other and the circumstances that brought us together.

Home is with my parents at my house, chatting after dinner, the 3 of us united as a Family once more.

These are the three most important things in my life, in no order.

Don't get me wrong. I think this conference is a wonderful thing for women, a great way to figure out what you might want to do for your career, especially if you are one of the few undergraduates amongst all the other Ph.D. candidates in the room (Not to mention I get to meet employees from my list of top companies to work for, namely Google, Microsoft, and others). But that's the problem. I already figured out I probably wouldn't want to be a PhD. I don't think I could find something that specific that I can be passionate about and devote 7-8 of my life working on. I realized recently that I want to dig into different areas of CS, to try this and that, work on a few projects, and continually be challenged, learn new things, explore, and discover new areas that I can be passionate about. Why limit myself like that? I am too bouncy for this. I need to be fulfilled emotionally, logically, spiritually, and creatively. And I don't think that going for a PhD can provide me that kind of contentment in life.

Another issue. I was at the Amazon booth, and after telling them I was looking for internships, the representative just started asking me questions about hash maps, queues, and (java) interfaces, questions that I couldn't answer confidently even though I had listed "Data Structures" as a course I had taken. Not only did that make me feel utterly cruddy, incapable, and foolish, but after putting me through that, she realized that I was actually more interested in usability than programming. It made me feel better after talking to Cat and realizing that she had gone through the same uncomfortable questioning session. It took a while for me to realize that I felt uncomfortable not just because I couldn't answer those questions, but because what she was looking for wasn't someone I could be; it wasn't something that I could be genuine with her about. I don't want to be a person who memorizes terms and can explain them to impress others just so that I can land an offer. It was uncomfortable because at the moment, I was forced to be someone that I am not.

Right now, my life plans are scattered before me like newly-shoveled snow. It would be nice if I could work for Google, Microsoft, Yahoo!, or one of these big technology companies on web/graphic design or something related. It would be nice if I could get to do some more programming for personal projects with no expectations except my own. The career part, I'm not so worried about; it will come with time. But there are some things that I must do, passions that will not be forgotten. I want to be able to continue writing songs and poems. I want to continue playing guitar and piano, and to sing. Ideally, I would have a chair like the one I'm sitting in right now, an office swively chair that will allow me to prop my feet up, lean back, and pour out my heart in writing. I want to be able to explore and go places that mean something to me, whether it's going on a hike, or visiting England or Mauritius again. I want to come home every night to someone I love and someone I can kiss good night.

So...what does it all amount to? I realize that I don't want to be famous, I don't want to win some prestigious prize for something that I've done. I don't want this kind of recognition. Maybe I've been inside for too long, but this kind of atmosphere just stifles me and deadens a part of me. And quite honestly, I don't care who this year's uber scholarship recipients are. Good for them, but I would rather not spend Thursday night listening to their names and their accomplishments when I could be defining (not to mention living) my own version of success. No, I do not need them to be my role models. I have never really been inspired by the grand things that others have done (maybe with the exception of Princess Diana when I was 9), only by my community, my loved ones, life, and faith. I want to do something where I can not only make a small difference in the world, but impact and build community around me.

So I am multi-faceted and need to be engaged in many different ways. So I don't feel like getting a PhD anymore. It's okay, it's okay that I'm here, missing out on home. It only brings me closer to it knowing that my heart is leading me to where I want to be, and my soul is slowly blooming into what I was made for.

Numb

2007-10-12T10:49:00.000-04:00

It turns out wanting something doesn't make it real.

Laundry detergent

2007-10-10T10:13:00.000-04:00

They say that smell is the strongest trigger of memories. The tanktop that I washed at your house now smells like you, I discovered to my surprise as I got up to exercise this morning. I couldn't help it.

Electronic parade music floats through my white Brookstone headphones, reminiscent of all the feelings from this weekend: Amazement. Surprise. Love. Like my whole world is perfect and still, contained in a bubble of wonderdream, except it's very much real.

Grateful as MD lets me work on the computer today instead of filing. I get to unleash Wildstorm again, and feel.

My senses are flooded with you.

You are deserving of all the poems and songs in this world, of all the stars in the sky, all the white roses, and morning dew.

I wonder how much Babylon candle I would need to get to you.

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Frou Frou - Let Go