I can’t decide which Naked Man pose is the best.  Female input would be greatly appreciated.  I really liked the Captain.  Maybe I could come up with my own like the Baseball Player?  The Helicopter?  I might be evoking some CRAZY imagery at this point, so I’ll spare you any more ideas.

The top 50 list of types of sex is interesting.  One day I will master every type of underwater freaky deakiness.  Until then, I’m just stuck with the crazy girls who make lists of all the places where they want to go deep sea diving.  Nothing wrong with a little excitement!

From the start, you have to click with the person you’re dating to have any chance to revitalize that initial spark you felt.  The majority of the time, I never feel that spark.  It’s a rare thing when you do, so take full advantage when it happens.  Taking full advantage means going out for wild nights of dinner, drinking, and dancing.

My Wife Will Look Like This

Let’s pretend you’ve been in a relationship for at least one year.  In Scuba Steve land, that’s like 10 years.  If some girl locks me down for one year, she deserves a pat on the back.  Seriously.  I’m guessing that after one year, you’re becoming annoyed with certain tendencies of your partner.  Maybe your life has become a well-oiled submarine.  Wake up at 7:00 AM, possibly blow a kiss at your sweetie pie, go to work, browse the web and act like you’re actually getting shit done, attend meetings, go home at 5:00 PM, eat dinner, watch TV, and maybe get lucky once a week.  Man, writing that down makes me realize how awful it sounds.  Yet this is probably what most couples do every day.  It’s no wonder that relationships fall apart and take a lot of work to keep alive.

Think about your college days (if you’ve experienced them).  How random and crazy was your life back then?  I bet it was much more exciting.  My life was a 24-7 party.  Full of spontaneous hook-ups and binge drinking.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  It seems odd that once you leave college and get into a serious relationship, you all of a sudden become a different person.  I will be Scuba Steve for life!

Octobong is BADASS!

My theory on why relationships hit a downward spiral is that they become boring or mundane.  Money always plays a role as well.  Make millions so you don’t have to worry about that part.  Yeah, it is that EASY.  Pull your brain apart until you have the best business idea on the face of this Earth.  Assuming money is not at the heart of your problems, try to spice things up with a wild submarine ride, snorkeling, or scuba diving.  Those are three of my favorites.  If you’re not feeling those options, then try having a group date night with a bunch of friends, going out for dinner and drinks, going to a sporting event, bowling, or anything else to mix up your schedule.  The key is to surprise your partner and bring back some of the spontaneity you both used to enjoy during the dating stages of your relationship.

Another way to help your relationship is to leave your partner gifts, notes, flowers, or shiny treasures you scooped off the ocean floor.  It’s all gravy baby!  Those are all ways to show your hubby that he/she is on your mind.  Receiving unsuspected gifts creates a greater degree of excitement in any relationship.  I’m guessing it could also lead to more ocean pulsing nights in your sea cavern.  Make sure you couple some flirtatious behavior with the spontaneous presents.  Send your significant other some hot and steamy text messages to set the mood.  Alternatively, you can always play Shoot ‘Em Up like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

A Lil' Shoot Out Never Hurt Anyone

Spontaneity is the key to rekindling the flames you felt early on when you first started dating.  Get out there, spice things up, and get your Scuba Man or Mermaid back!

This Is How I Look In The CLUB - Underwater Stealth Approach

Anytime a third wheel skeeze is left without a Scuba man to dance with, you know for a fact that she is waiting for her prince charming to start droppin’ it low on her.  I recently found myself in this very situation.  My buddy and I were taking our usual stroll through the club (i.e. making the rounds) when I noticed a cute lil’ fishy shaking her tail all by herself.  Her friends were dancing with guys, but she was all alone.  Awwwwww.  NEVER FEAR! Scuba Steve is here!  So what did I do?  I used my trademark dance on the third wheel girl move.

My approach was extremely stealthy.  She probably didn’t even see me casting my fishing net around her.  Then again, it probably wasn’t her fault because the “Scuba charm” can catch any skeeze off-guard.  So I saw her dancing, but not really getting into it.  I thought now is the perfect opportunity to reel her in for a ride with Scuba Steve.  Using my strategic positioning skills, I started backin’ it up, right into her, while simultaneously shooting her a smirk over my shoulder.  Picture this: Scuba Steve backing his booty up into some skeeze’s fine ass and then droppin’ it low.  I swear this move never fails when executed with precision.

This Guy Obviously Visited ScubaDate.com

That was how I initiated the contact.  Then I rotated around to the typical grindin’ position, so she could do her thang.  If you’ve never actually dropped it low to the floor before, then I suggest you do some squats so you’re physically prepared.  For mental preparation, turn on some Juvenile, “Back That Ass Up,” and check out your moves in front of a mirror.  Dancing is a great way to meet new skeezeballs, so dance by yourself at home.  Try not to look too ridiculous when you’re at the club.  I refuse to dance by myself because 1) I’m terrible, 2) It looks like I think I’m cool, and 3) I look like an idiot.  Unless you have some serious moves, only dance when it involves grindin’ because it’s nearly impossible to screw that up.

As the night wore on, I chatted with Amanda (girl I met by backing my sweet thang up) and found out where she was from, what she did for a living, and probably some other stuff that I can’t remember now.  I spit some game about how most of the girls out at the club are all materialistic, BUT she was different.  It must’ve worked because I ended up with her number.

The point is that you can meet new “biddies” by watching for openings.  Amanda was with two of her friends, who were both dancing with guys.  As an “expert,” I knew she was probably feeling left out of the action.  I utilized my weak dance moves to approach her, and the rest was EASY.  Look for openings like that when you’re out scoping for skeezes.

Girls love the SCOPE!

Finding a flusie when you’re out with all your homeys isn’t always easy.  Well, actually it won’t ever be that difficult if you lower your standards.  You definitely can’t hold back when approaching flusies because then some other fly guy will swoop in for the kill.  Put the pedal to the metal and get on flusie patrol.  Think of this like submitting a new story to Digg.  A whole bunch of other dudes (or possibly dudettes) are salivating over the next cracked.com or NASA space picture to submit to Digg.  The same thing applies to bodacious babes out at the club.  Other wannabe Scuba Steve’s are eyeing the mermaid of your dreams and if you’re not first to approach her, then you’ll probably miss out on that opportunity.  As Ricky Bobby said in Talledega Nights: “If you ain’t first, you’re last!”  Power comes in numbers, and by trying to pick up as many different girls as possible you increase your chances of success.  You learn what works and what doesn’t.  Just as I have learned with Digg what works and what doesn’t for hitting the Front Page.  You can relate just about anything you do to picking up RANDOMS at the club.

Cal and Ricky Bobby are Full of Words of Wisdom

The headline of a story is analogous to the physical attraction you feel for a particular flusie.  A random and exciting title is just like a fine ass broad.  Super hot up front, but possibly lacking the necessary smarts inside.  Sometimes, all you need is an amazing title to hit the Front Page.  Taking home a supermodel caliber woman is a definite score in my book, even if she lacks the mental capacity of an 8 year-old.  No matter what, you can always show all your broski’s a picture and say “yeah, I took HER home last night!”  On Digg, all you have to say is “yo smallfry, check my pop ratio.”  Let the sexy digits on your profile speak for themselves.

My IM list currently reminds me of all the digits saved in my SICK iPhone.  I currently have 140 online DAWGS that I chat with and get the latest scoop on what’s cracking in all these online communities.  In my phone right now, I can count 9 Ashleys…talk about confusing.  I try to put the location of where I met them after their names, but it’s just not working.  I’m going to have to start snapping pictures to go with names.  So it’ll go like this:

Scuba Steve: “Let me get your number so we can go out for drinks.”
Random Flusie: “For sure. That would be fun!”

Scuba Steve: “Here, type it in…” [hand her the phone and watch her type it in because I already forgot her name]
Random Flusie: “What’s my name?”

Scuba Steve: “Ah shit” I think to myself.  “Jessica? Amanda? Jennifer? Am I close?”
Random Flusie: “Wow! You can’t even remember my name!”

Scuba Steve: “What’s my name?”
Random Flusie: “Steve”

Scuba Steve: “Dammit!  Alright, well let me take your picture, so I can remember for sure next time.”
Random Flusie: Giggling…”OK.”

Luckily, I am on Digg almost every day and know people by their profiles now.  Either way, forgetting someone on IM is not as embarrassing as forgetting some flusie’s name out at the club.  And your IM buddies will still get you off by Digging your submission, but some flusie might tell you to take a hike.

Remember, everying you do in life can be made analogous to picking up hotties with bodies.  Drop your best comparisons on me!  Let’s see what you got!

Nothing wrong with using instant messenger to chat with girls online.  I think just about everyone does that in middle school and high school.  Get on the computer and start mackin’ all the ONLINE HONEYS!!

Next time she tells you that she likes some other dude, spit something right back at her.  For example, say “oh really, well I like [enter really hot girl's name here].”  Whatever you do, don’t let her know how much you really like her.  You gotta keep it a mystery!

The main 2 things I’m suggesting are:

1) Ignore her
2) Talk to other girls A LOT

Don’t go out of your way to talk to her now that she just wants to be friends.  If you ignore her, she’ll start wondering what’s wrong and re-thinking if she should’ve said that.  By talking to other girls, you’ll forget about this girl easier while simultaneously making yourself appear more desireable.  It’s a win-win situation.

The best way to keep this girl around is to avoid acting needy or clingy.  This means that you need to have your own time and then time with her.  If you spend too much time hanging with this mermaid, she might start seeing you as a needy guy.  That’s NEVER good.  Strike a balance between hanging out with her and still doing your own thing.  As for your friend, I doubt he will be your friend much longer if you really started dating his EX 2 weeks after they broke up.

All you have to do is make some observation about what she’s wearing, your surrounding environment, or ask for her opinion on a particular topic to start a conversation.  Anything out of the ordinary that you can point out to her will work.  Practice commenting on unique aspects of your surroundings and asking girls for their opinion on such topics as tattoos, clothing, whether your friend should go after a certain girl at school, or anything else you think will grab her attention.

NEVER act passively!  You should always error on the side of being too cocky.  I’d rather be labled a jerk, than a pansy.  It’s always possible to strike a balance between acting cocky and still being respectful.  So tease the girls you like to show you’re clever and have a backbone!