Matt Ruby's Sandpaper Suit

Highlights from the first Hot Soup

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:25:00 +0000

Here's a quick peek at our new show Hot Soup:

Tonight's show features Jared Logan (Comedy Central), Luke Cunningham, Dan St Germain, Phil Hanley, and more!

Join the Hot Soup Facebook Group

HOT SOUP!
Every Friday
Doors at 7:30pm, show at 8
FREE SHOW
Professor Thom's (upstairs room)
219 2nd Ave between 13th and 14th St. (map)
With Matt Ruby, Mark Normand, Andy Haynes, and David Cope

Myq killed it at his Presents taping last night

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:58:00 +0000

That's Myq Kaplan taping his Comedy Central Presents special last night. He crushed it. Ya know you're doing well when your applause breaks keep messing with your rhythm. Myq even started doing a jig at one point to pass the time while the crowd clapped. I think his special will turn out great...no sweetening necessary.

The Sklar Brothers were the second act on the show. Also had a great set. Different vibe. Myq's more of a classic joketeller while the Sklars almost have a vaudevillian feel with the quick back and forth banter and the way they heighten each premise. Their closing bit on Andrew Dice Clay was wonderfully cruel.

I'd never been to a Presents taping before. Quick impressions: It's a hell of a production. Big trucks outside. Fancy stage lights. Crane cameras swooping all around. I can see how if you're booking the comics for it a big priority might be "I want someone who won't fuck this up."

There was only minimal warmup before the first comic. A host did some quick crowdwork and then brought up people in pairs to do a dance off with each other. Sucked balls for those six people but pretty effective at warming up the room I must admit.

The host strongly encouraged lots of energy and applause. And it worked. The crowd was def on the side of the comics. Not like a club where ya gotta work for 'em. After the first set, they switched out the front rows with the middle rows so the faces on camera look different for the two different specials.

And that's about it. They'll be taping more up until Monday. Free tix still available I think.

What makes the Sports Guy so good

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:51:00 +0000

Good to see Bill Simmons, ESPN's Sports Guy, getting so much press lately for his new basketball book. He's long been one of my favorite writers on the web. I hardly even give a shit about sports yet I still read his column each week. I love the way he takes creative approaches to his columns (e.g. the winners and losers of the NBA's 2009 free-agent buying spree using 50 quotes and exchanges from "Almost Famous"). And he's a master at working in pop culture references and personal stories in a genuinely funny, personal way. Read the guy long enough and ya feel like you actually know him.

It's a good example of coming up with a unique voice too. Before Simmons, a sports column written from the perspective of a fan was a real anomaly. Then, everyone writing about sports was always trying to be an insider. Simmons deliberately stayed away from the locker room and palling around with players and that's a big reason why his take is so fresh.

Plus, I love that he talks about race in a frank, honest way. Like talking about the complications of the NBA being a league of mostly black players marketing itself to a mostly white audience and a mostly white media. Where else do you hear this discussed in the sports media? Most announcers and journalists pretend to be color blind but then ya listen close and wind up noticing how frequently they talk about guys who "hustle" (i.e. white), guys who are "natural athletes" (i.e. black), etc. Anyway...

A good Simmons starting point: the Sports Guy Glossary which highlights his best stuff. Sample: How to Spot the Guys Who Wield Just A Bit Too Much Power:

The bouncer at any snooty bar ... the deli counter guy who only gives samples to people he deems worthy ... ice skating judges (especially the French ones) ... softball umpires ... the guy at Best Buy who checks receipts before you can leave the store ... sixth-grade gym teachers ... bank tellers ... bartenders in crowded pickup joints ... condo association presidents ... sports radio hosts who hang up on callers when they don't agree ... everyone who works at a video store ... stewardesses on long airplane flights ... movie theater ushers ... the maitre'd at any restaurant in Vegas or Manhattan ... and the hotel worker in charge of the volleyball games at any resort.

Also, his B.S. Report podcast has recently been featuring interesting interviews with funny people (Patton Oswalt, Jeff Ross, Matt Stone, Neal Brennan, etc.) It's worth checking the archives even if ya don't care about the sports stuff.

Links for 2009-11-03 [del.icio.us]

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:00:00 PST

6 kinds of laughs to have at the New York Comedy Festival
Interesting for the way it describes "the voice" of each of these well known comics -- a tough thing to put into words.

Think Tank: Animals

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:40:00 +0000

Watch more "Think Tank" episodes.

Links for 2009-11-02 [del.icio.us]

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 PST

Pat Dixon talks about offending people and how the audience perceives you
"What was going through my head was, ‘I fuckin’ hate these people.’ I was trying to get out of that mind-set and onto something positive, more of a ‘Oh, they’re just having fun. They’ll have fun with me too!’ It’s not an easy place to go to but it’s where I have to go to succeed. Because an audience sees the anger you have, and the condescension. It’s impossible for me to conceal that. If I’m actually thinking that they’re a bunch a mouth breathers, then that’s going to read. It always does. A friend of mine who’s been doing comedy longer than me, told me [comedy club audiences], ‘Collectively, they’re a genius. They have great instincts. They smell insecurity, anger, condescension, all of it.’ Frankly, I don’t do a good job concealing it anyway. Once I feel that way about an audience, I’m pretty much cooked.”

When should a comic start to promote himself?

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:45:00 +0000

A reader question:

I've done 41 mics so far. I'm over the initial hump but that's just the first foothill at the base of the mountain. Topic idea: when should a comic start to promote himself? Do you often see guys promoting themselves too soon? Or posting clips online they shouldn't be posting? Do some comics not promote enough?

My .02: Get a solid tape and put a clip up online. Use that to get shows. Keep hitting mics too. Whenever you get stage time, destroy. Hope people notice. It will take a while though.

Once you get a funnier clip down the road, use that one instead (and delete the old one if it's something you no longer want others to see). Have a website that people who like you can check out, just a simple one is fine. Start an email list and/or a Facebook page so you can keep in touch with people who like you. Also good: Start a show and promote that. In fact, that may be the best way to get attention at an early stage. Have a kick-ass show and fill the seats. This is a good way to get other comics to know about ya too.

If someone comes up to you after a show and says they dug your set, ask them for their email or give 'em a biz card with your contact info so it's not a one-time only thing. I wouldn't worry too much about promo photos or anything else that's gonna cost ya a lot of money. Not worth it at this stage.

Also, recognize that people will judge you by your first impression. If you're not bringing A game yet, you might want to hold off on approaching industry or producers of top shows. They may write you off and then not be tuned in if/when ya do get better. Right now you're like a band with its first demo tape. Get better before you turn on the "full court press" of promotion.

Links for 2009-10-31 [del.icio.us]

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 00:00:00 PDT

Comedy Central exec on what she looks for in a comic
"The crowd part is a factor, but that’s never the number one thing I look at. For the most part, point of view, somebody’s take on the world, if it’s unique. That’s rare, but when it happens it’s obvious...You just see one performer for every 50 who is just bizarre, irreverent, who has some sort of take that you have never seen. Not to sound Mary Sunshine, but it’s rejuvenating. It reaffirms why I do it."

Tonight's Hot Soup: Popp, Bargatze, McCaffrey, and Drucker

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:06:00 +0000

Tonight's show features Jesse Popp, Nate Bargatze, Tom McCaffrey, and Mike Drucker.

HOT SOUP!
Every Friday
Doors at 7:30pm, show at 8
FREE SHOW
Happy hour drink prices
Professor Thom's (upstairs room)
219 2nd Ave between 13th and 14th St. (map)
With Matt Ruby, Mark Normand, Andy Haynes, and David Cope
Join the Hot Soup Facebook Group

Video: Highlights from The 2nd Annual Schtick or Treat

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 19:43:00 +0000

Schtick or Treat was terrific

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:24:00 +0000

Thanks so much to everyone who came out and either watched or performed at the show. It was a really great time. Video highlights coming soon!

Video: Animal mating rituals (repost with working clip)

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:23:00 +0000

Links for 2009-10-28 [del.icio.us]

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:00:00 PDT

Halloween-themed comedy events in NYC
Includes a shout-out to Schtick or Treat.

The side of the majority isn't funny

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:48:00 +0000

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
-Mark Twain

I think it's true for standup too. Are you arguing something that everyone in the room already agrees with? Then who cares? And how funny is it if everyone already feels the same way?

I'd much rather hear you defend something horrible. Or something that everyone is on the other side of. At least then you'll be interesting. And that tension is a lot more likely to result in something funny.

I love during this set when CK says, "What other terrible things to defend?" (about 7:40 in). It comes in between him defending terrorists and explaining when it's ok to rape someone. Yeah, sounds terrible on paper. But that's why it's funny.

Along the same lines, Chris Rock says offending people is part of being an artist:

"Somebody should always be offended," Rock says. "Somebody in your life should always be like, 'Why did you have to do that?' Always. That's just being a real artist. That's the difference between Scorsese and Disney."

Maybe I like that idea so much because of how little I respect people who get offended. What is that even about? If someone says something that's wrong, then they're wrong. That means they're stupid and why would you get worked up about that? Just pity their foolishness.

And if they say something that's true, then, well, it's true. You may not like it but it's the truth so what can you do about it? If you get offended by the truth, life must be a real pain in the ass. Either way, being offended seems silly.

Links for 2009-10-26 [del.icio.us]

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:00 PDT

Audio: Revealing NPR interview with Tracy Morgan
Morgan didn't turn to comedy until after his best friend was murdered. "He would say to me, 'Yo, Tracy, man, you should be doing comedy.' A week later, he was murdered. And that for me, that was like my Vietnam. I had my survival guilt when I started to achieve success. Why I made it out and some guys didn't."

Schtick or Treat is this Wednesday (10/28)

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:32:00 +0000

Two days away from the big show where 30+ NYC comedians come together to perform as their favorite comedy legends. Full details, lineup, ticket info for the show here. If you can't make it out, Bowery Poetry Club will be streaming a live broadcast of the event online. You can watch it here.

Also: Thanks to everyone who came out to Hot Soup on Friday. Show was a big success (standing room only) and all the comics had great sets. I think we got a good thing cooking. Next one will be this Friday (10/30) at Professor Thom's. Same time: 7:30pm doors, 8pm show. Full Hot Soup details/address here. Come on out.

Links for 2009-10-23 [del.icio.us]

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:00 PDT

Great inteview with Norm MacDonald
"I kind of do long form comedy. I try to take something that I find interesting. When I was younger I was doing this show, really funny jokes, but on inconsequential subjects. I was talking to [Sam] Kinison and he said 'You can talk about anything you want on stage. If you want to talk about a fucking dog that you owned and how it was different from a cat, go ahead. It’s your life, if you really find that interesting to you.' That opened my eyes because I wasn’t interested in the jokes that I was doing. I was pretending to be interested in them."

Video: Hot Soup Etymology

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:36:00 +0000

Come on out tonight! Details on the show.

Search Sandpaper Suit

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:07:00 +0000

Looking for posts from the archives about a specific topic? Search Sandpaper Suit below:

Links for 2009-10-21 [del.icio.us]

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 PDT

Video: Kevin Pollak's Chat Show interview with Paul F. Tompkins
PFT's new album comes out soon too. Title: "Freak Wharf."

Photo: Live at The Pit

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:50:00 +0000

Video: "I Need Laughs: Back to square one (Part 7 of 7)"

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:28:00 +0000

Part 7 of "I Need Laughs: One week in the trenches of the New York underground comedy scene." Wrapping up with some sex talk, more jokes, a random dude on the street who likes my tie, and the credits.

See all seven clips of "I Need Laughs" (and details about it) here.

Hot Soup, new Manhattan show, debuts this Friday

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 18:19:00 +0000

Hot news! I'm co-producing a new weekly show and it's in the East Village. No schlepping to LIC for this one, yeah! It'll be Mark Normand, Andy Haynes, David Cope, and myself (all very funny, great guys) putting it on and we'll be booking the best standups in the city every week. And it's FREE. Every Friday at Professor Thom's (upstairs room). That's at 219 2nd Ave (between 13th and 14th St) in the East Village. Doors at 7:30pm and showtime at 8pm.

Join the Hot Soup Facebook Group

HOT SOUP!
Every Friday
Doors at 7:30pm, show at 8
FREE SHOW
Professor Thom's (upstairs room)
219 2nd Ave between 13th and 14th St. (map)
With Matt Ruby, Mark Normand, Andy Haynes, and David Cope

And here's more of my upcoming dates (calendar)...

10/20 11pm Show @ Comic Strip Live
10/21 7:30pm We're Nice People @ Parkside Lounge
10/23 8pm Hot Soup! @ Professor Thom's
10/25 8pm Sunday Night Standup (hosting) @ Three of Cups Lounge
10/26 8pm A Case of the Mondaze @ Manchester Pub
10/27 9pm Donkey Show @ Union Pool
10/28 7pm Schtick or Treat @ Bowery Poetry Club
10/30 8pm Hot Soup! @ Professor Thom's
10/30 9pm Almost Famous @ Village Lantern
11/03 9pm Symbology @ The Creek (LIC)

How do you know when your comedic character has arrived?

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:29:00 +0000

Some questions from a reader:

1) What would you consider the best way to get feedback on your performance/material when you don't really know the other comics that you perform with regularly? I've been doing stand-up for almost two years, maybe three nights a week, at best. I know most comics by recognition because we perform regularly together but I don't have the family-like rapport the other comics have with each other. Aside from my girlfriend and a few random suggestions from strangers, I don't feel like I have the steady feedback that most other open mic comics get from each other. Thoughts?

Um, three nights a week for two years and you don't have rapport with any other comics? That's a problem. Start making friends. Comedy is pretty tough if you take a lone shark attitude. Find at least a couple of people who you respect and get to know 'em. You need allies in this game. In fact, I think the first few years is basically you trying to impress other comics and just using the crowd as a means to do that.

2) Recently, you posted something from Brian Kiley on trying to find your comedic character. I'm still trying to figure out what my gimmick is as a performer. Right now, I think I'm a grad student in a relationship who likes to gives random musings on what I find to be ridiculous. I don't know if the audience buys into it though. How do you know when your character has arrived? Does the audience tell you? Other comics?

I think the audience tells you with laughs. Also, other comics might be able to point out "this sounds like you." Like Mark will sometimes tell me a joke sounds "very Ruby" which can be a good pointer that it's something "in character" or however you wanna say it.

And fwiw: "I'm a grad student in a relationship who likes to gives random musings on what I find to be ridiculous"...This seems way too generic to be your comedic character. Try harder to figure out what's really unique about you or what you say on stage.

3) Lastly, what is the general rule on injecting esoteric references into your material? One of my favorite comics is Patton Oswalt and I would say that random cultural and literary allusions is 75% of his act. My mind operates the same way too but I always either a) get scared because of the audience demographic or b) psyche myself out on whether its funny or not. I just wanted to get your takes on this.

No general rule that I know of. Try it. If people laugh, great. If not, maybe it's a bad idea. Or maybe you need to find a different audience. One thing to keep in mind: If you rely too much on pop culture or specific niche references, you can limit the scope of people who get you. That's not a grand idea for someone just starting out.

And btw, I disagree that those kind of references are 75% of Patton's act. People like him and Dennis Miller certainly get esoteric, but there's a lot of stuff along the way that ANYONE can understand too.

Do you also want to get advice about standup from someone who is almost totally unqualified to give answers? Then send your questions to me at matt@mruby.com.

Divorce Magazine?

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:42:00 +0000

Attention fans of gag gifts! Know a married couple? Hoots guaranteed when ya subscribe one of the partners to Divorce Magazine. Just imagine the conversations that will follow the first issue's arrival in the mailbox.

Married already? Next time ya get in a fight with the spouse, just sit on the couch and leisurely read a copy. That's sure to settle things down in a hurry.

Also, note the mag's tagline at the site: Help for generation "ex" — because everyone knows: Divorce = a great time to pull out the puns.

[Thx TE]

Comedy clubs vs. rock clubs

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:53:00 +0000

Eugene Mirman discusses doing comedy in rock clubs in a couple of old interviews...

1. Stay Free! interviews Eugene Mirman

STAY FREE!: That brings me to a whole other thing, which is that you went on a rock tour.

MIRMAN: I really like playing rock clubs, but it can be more work if an audience doesn't know you.

STAY FREE!: The comedy shows you host are structured more like rock shows than comedy. At the crappy comedy clubs here, they make the comedians bring X number of people before they're allowed to perform.

MIRMAN: Well, that's a "bringer" show. None of the people I know do those shows anymore, or would ever. That's when you're starting out. I find it easier to get on Conan O'Brien than to perform regularly at some of the clubs here, so I just don't really try anymore. Not that I tried that hard.

STAY FREE!: So it wasn't really a complex thought process of, "Oh, I'm not going to run my shows like that because that's lame."

MIRMAN: Right. When people ask me to perform at clubs, or if I audition for something, I'll go to a club, but also it's different in New York than in Boston. When I was in Boston, there were three comedy clubs. In most clubs you start as an opener, then you're a "middler," and then you're a headliner, and there's this system. But the system seems pointless and depressing. Here it's kind of different, because there's just a bunch of people performing for 20 minutes at a time at a club, as opposed to an opener. Anyway, the point is that rock clubs and alternative spaces are, for me, just as good if not better exposure, they're fun, and you make more money. The argument against it is that it doesn't exist. You have to make it. That's what's inconvenient about it. You have to create your own thing, which I personally enjoy.

2. Dead-Frog interviews Eugene

Also when I was talking to Mike, I told him that his material is equally at home at some place like “Invite Them Up” and at a comedy club. Do you feel the same way about your own material?

What I feel in terms of comedy clubs is that some are great and some are not, but I’d rather just draw my own audience that wants to see me. If I’m in a comedy club, it’s good in a sense that you do get other random people. But if you do it a rock club or a theater, the people who are coming to see it want to see you or someone you’re with or someone with a certain sensibility. Not to see comedy in general.

And the truth is I just want people to enjoy what I’m doing. I was supposed to do some shows in Vegas. And I was supposed to do eight and I only did two of them. And it was because it was a terrible mismatch. It was a weird bad room where there were people who were in respirators. But the point is they wanted to see entertainment and I would have gladly entertained them. It’s just that I didn’t have anything that they would really enjoy. So I’m just really just trying to find a way to do what I’d like to do.

But I’ve done sets with Patton (Oswalt) at Caroline’s and other stuff, but I’d just rather start my own night and have it always full and do things that I want to do, as opposed to figuring out how to break into some random place.

Why aren't more comics touring rock venues these days? Eugene, David Cross, Comedians of Comedy all did it a few years back. But I can't think of too many who are doing it now.

Video: "I Need Laughs: I Need Laughs (Part 6 of 7)"

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:28:00 +0000

Part 6 of "I Need Laughs: One week in the trenches of the New York underground comedy scene." No booked shows means open mic'ing. This clip has me trying out some new bits and talking with other comics about mics. And I drop by the Cellar for a minute too. Funny thing: Josh Comers, the guy who makes the "paying your dues" joke, is now a writer for Conan.

More of "I Need Laughs" (and details about it) here.

This Camry owner is oddly proud

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:35:00 +0000

I question anyone that is THIS proud of driving a Camry.

Do you need a manager?

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:06:00 +0000

Reader question:

Do you have a manager? Do you NEED a manager? There is a lot of confusion around the kind of help having management can offer. Does it really open doors? Or is it just a shortcut to a door you may eventually open yourself?

Things to consider:
Some comics book all of their own gigs (i.e. Elayne Boosler, "Comic Insights", Silman-James press)
Young people can rise quickly (i.e. Aziz Ansari, Donald Glover), getting big writing credits and cast into shows with big stars. Did they do it with the help of management?
I have heard that Saturday Night Live casting will not consider letting someone audition unless they have managment.

I do not have a manager (and no one's offered). Would I consider it? Sure. 15% of nothing is still nothing.

But, unless your career demands are overwhelming you (unlikely), I don't think you NEED one either. A good manager can def help open some doors. But lots of people have managers and get little/nothing as a result.

I guess I think the big misconception is that a manager can take a nobody and "make them" overnight. I think a good manager can take heat and make it hotter. But if you're doing nothing right now, I think it's unlikely that a manager will come in and turn you into an overnight sensation.

In reality, most people who think they "need a manager" probably should worry more about getting funnier. That's the best way to make things happen. Be undeniably good. Do that for long enough and good things will happen.

Bob Dylan thinks like a standup

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:58:00 +0000

This is a great clip from the Scorcese doc on Bob Dylan called "No Direction Home." The way he tosses out words/ideas here reminds me of how comics play with an idea, start talking out loud, mix things up, and hope something fun/surprising sneaks out.

More answers to Stupid Ass Questions

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:07:00 +0000

Below is the rest of my Q&A as resident expert over at Stupid Ass Questions the other week. They supply really dumb questions, I supply answers (question #1 here):

2. Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My toe hurts real bad. I stubbed it the other day and it still is killing me. Do you think I could go to the grocery store and have a bunch of cans fall off the shelf and say one got me on the toe? I don't have any medical insurance so it would be easier if someone else paid it instead. Also, I could ask for a little more just so I won’t sue them.

This is a great plan! Make sure you do it real slapstick like though. I want it to look like a Benny Hill episode! So bring your boombox (an iPod w/ speakers could work too) and play some silly music. Then start acting goofy. Like you might be unstable. Knock over a woman's cart! Yell "This is why the sky is yellow!" And then head for the peas. You can't just do cans of anything. Peas. Cans of peas. And then knock a ton of them off the shelf and roll around and imagine that you're Andy Dick or Mr. Bean or Geraldo Rivera. That's the way to pull off this caper. Caper, now there's a word that's not used often enough. Well, I guess the food word is used often enough. Funny how capers are these things you can put on a fish or this big scheme you try to pull off. I wonder if there's ever been a caper caper! You know, like a group of criminals gets together to pull off a big heist of a place that bottles capers. We could call it the Great Caper Caper. Everyone would need code names. And masks. Like in Reservoir Dogs or Point Break. Too bad Keanu wasn't in Reservoir Dogs. Like a virgin! Remember when they talked about that? That was a fun scene. May peas be with you!!!!

3. SAQ’s.com: I bought deodorant and still get b.o. all the time. My friends and family all make fun of me. Am I doing something wrong? Also, am I supposed to take the cap off when I use it? The instructions inside didn’t say to and I thought leaving the cap on would make it last longer.

Oh man. Wow. I know how you feel, man. I use products all the time without taking the cap off. Sometimes I brush my teeth and I just put the whole tube in my mouth. Or I'll drink apple juice but leave the cap on and really just lick the outside of the bottle. Also, I'll sometimes take a bottle of pills and swallow them all and try to commit suicide. But then I'll remember that I left the cap on. So I didn't really attempt suicide at all. But I tell everyone I did. That way they feel sorry for me. And I get attention. I like attention. Maybe it's because my parents didn't love me enough. They were off doing their own thing a lot. My dad wasn't really talkative, ya know? But I still love him. He'd take me to baseball games once in a while but he'd just sit there and read the newspaper the whole time. He didn't care about baseball. What I don't get is anti-perspirant. It actually makes me STOP sweating? That's weird. And it's all sticky and stuff. Nah, I'll take the regular old deodorant myself. I use Tom's of Maine deodorant. And toothpaste too. In fact, the other week someone asked me what kind of toothpaste I use. I meant to say Tom's of Maine but what came out of my mouth was "Uncle Tom's." That's a tough one to cover up. "Yeah, um, haven't you noticed that my teeth have been ACTING white lately???" So yeah, try taking that cap off and see if life changes. That's the only way to figure out stuff in life: Try it and see if the result is better than the other way. Science!

4. Stupidassquestions: A friend invited me for dinner but I don’t want to go. Her whole family eats with their mouths open and food goes flying everywhere including in my food. Couldn’t I get Aids from them? How do I politely get out of this disgusting and unsanitary dinner party?

Whoa, this family seems like a real piece of work. For one thing, they eat with their mouths open. For another thing, they have AIDS! Talk about 0 for 2. It's especially rude when people have diseases, I think. I wish they would stop doing that. Hey, disease boy! You know what you should try? Health! Yeah, try NOT having a disease. You ever think about that, tough guy? Why don't you just tell that disease "I'm not interested." Yeah, that's the way to deal with these things. There's a lyric in a Luna song that goes "Living with sick people makes me feel so strong." Maybe you should take advantage of this mouthtacular in order to feel better about yourself. You can just think of yourself as the best in the room at eating with your mouth closed and not having AIDS. Well, I don't know if you'd be the best in the room at not having AIDS. You would probably just be tied with everyone else in the room who doesn't have AIDS. It's kind of a binary thing. On or off. Zeroes and ones. That's the way I see the world. Black and white. No gray. How come sometimes you spell grey like that with an "e" and sometimes it's gray with an "a." I think the "e" way seems more British. Bad teeth! One time I told a joke about Scott Baio and there were two guys from England in the front row and one shouted out "Who's Scott Baio?" I asked, "Didn't you have Happy Days in England?" But they didn't know I meant the TV show Happy Days. To them, it sounded like I thought they had never had a single happy day in their entire lives. Because they didn't know who Scott Baio was. Like that would be such a crippling blow. "All this rain and no Chachi!? How will I go on?" Brits! Can't live with them, can't water their flowers unless they give you the key to their apartment.

5. Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A good client of mine is constantly sending me pictures of her children. God only knows why, I never indicated I wanted them. So far I have thrown them all away in the circular file. Just yesterday she calls and says she will be in the area and is stopping for a visit and place an order. Then she says, I have an adorable picture of the kids for you to add to your collection. Holy crap, what do I do?

Well, the first thing I need to know is what you do for a living. If your job is, say, putting together photo albums of people's children – well, maybe that's why she's sending you pictures of her children. Or maybe you're a plastic surgeon. Then she might be sending you photos of her kids hoping that you'll perform surgery on them some day. Boy, plastic surgery. That stuff really works. People get it and they look SO much better. They are taut. Like a sail in the wind. Full speed ahead! And botox. That's a fun one. I think they put the stuff that makes you sick when cans have dents in them into a needle and then inject it into your skin. Me, I can't stand needles. I hate doctors too. I once had a cat that hated going to the vet. He'd make quite a ruckus when we took him! He also liked to bite strangers who came into our house. But he'd lure them into it by circling around their ankles and waiting until they tripped over him. And then he'd bite them. I always thought that was very thoughtful of him. To entrap them into "the first punch." His name was Couscous. No, not named after the food. Named after Inspector Couscous from a Richard Scarry story. He was a dog that dressed up like a dancer to foil a crime syndicate. Cross dressing in a little kids story. Don't see that everyday. My little nephew reads Richard Scarry now. This kid is funny. He saw his mom drinking something and asked what it was. She replied, "Red wine." He said, "Give me some. I need it." He NEEDS it!? A little two year-old alkie! How about that? He can enter AA and nursery school at the same time. Why is god stuff part of AA? Can't you quit drinking even if you don't believe in god? Or is it mandatory for atheists to be...is it on the wagon or off the wagon? I can never remember which is the good one and which is the bad one. I mean sobriety and drunkenness. I can never remember which one of those is the good one and which is the bad one. Hmm, maybe you should just show her a bunch of pictures of other people's kids. And then go, "Surprise!" And have a bunch of people there and turn it into a party. She'll forget all about the photo thing then. Maybe you'll even get a conga line going. Wishes can become dreams if you just let the rainbows into your water filter. That's what Couscous used to say anyway. Mazel tov!

Video: "I Need Laughs: This guy's a standup comic (Part 5 of 7)"

noreply@blogger.com (Matt Ruby) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:29:00 +0000

Part 5 of "I Need Laughs: One week in the trenches of the New York underground comedy scene." After the shitty show I did in Part 4, I head to another show...with even fewer people at it. With a crowd of six people, I decide to just chat with the room and stumble across some interesting stuff. Then Mark, my civilian friend Brian, and I discuss it afterwards in a cab on the way to another show.

More of "I Need Laughs" (and details about it) here.