Real estate agencies have a reputation for gently kneading the awful truth into fresh baked cookies for profit. Kneading “fixer upper” out of “derelict” and  “community spirit” out of “roaming gangs of hoodies” have been the cornerstone of their industry but with the market as good as it is, I worry it may just buckle under the weight of its own web of deceit.

Now I should clarify that I would like to think that the real estate industry calls to people that are naively optimistic (and wear rose tinted contact lenses) but when I went in to pick up the keys to my new flat from the Director of First Impressions, I noticed a sign on the counter that said “No cash kept on these premises for OH&S reasons.” Now I’m too scared to go into the bank next door. I can’t even wear a helmet in there. as it turns out.

dave

Director of Representational Memoirs

Third rhyme is definitely the charm in the case of “Freak.” The full line is “no more maybes your baby’s got rabies sitting on a ball in the middle of the Andes.” I’m uncertain why Daniel stopped at rabies. He could have gone on to talk about scabies or done the old switcheroo to ladies or waveys instead of going for the surprise attack that Andes offered.

I haven’t actually bothered to research the meaning of the song and it could well be that the lyrics were drawn from a real life experience he had on a ball in the middle of the Andes. I’m not here to judge, merely to make the observation that if you read only one book this year, make it a rhyming dictionary.

dave

My lower back performs poorly against all leading competitors and has done so for a while now.  I tell myself that true artists must suffer for their art and take a couple of painkillers (a true artist should also be compos mentis as little as possible).

I understand that I should be  exercising more often than my current regime (I say regime, probably “serving suggestion” would be more accurate) but since my Wii and I split up over creative differences I have been unable to pursue my Charles Atlasian dreams. But I want you to know that I have penciled in some regular exercise as next year’s new year resolution (it’s called forward planning) as 2010 is well on the way to drawing to a close.

dave

Pavlov conditioned a dog to salivate at the ring of a bell through associative repetition and this sort of conditioning is equally effective on people. I sometimes wonder if those penis enlargement spam emails will become a self fulfilling prophecy; surely even the first spammer of this genre now gets bombarded with the same emails on a daily basis. Is it possible that every man in the world could be conditioned into believing that they have tiny wingwangs. Could the future hold a terrifying world of godzillaesque cockmonsters with tiny little men stuck on the end of them? Implausible?  Perhaps but if we’re not prepared to consider all possibilities, we’ll never see them coming.

dave

I have to admit that I was a fan of Doctor Who back when it wasn’t cool to be a fan of Doctor Who. Rather than make me a trend-setter for the new generation, I suspect that it actually makes me not cool. The transition to special effects in 2005 divided a lot of fans but not me. I remain fully assembled.

dave

I guess it’s possible that I don’t see many crazy folks these days because I don’t spend all my time in town these days but more likely it’s a government conspiracy. Every now and then I do find myself getting a little nostalgic for some of the more colourful crazies that used to get about town. Those of you from Canberra will all know the 7ft crossed-eyed poet who provides commissioned works in exchange for booze and I’d hope that a few would remember the little guy that looked like Ronnie Corbett who couldn’t walk more than a few meters without breaking into dance. I sometimes find myself wondering just what kind of crazy I’ll be when I grow up.

dave

It is true that I did have a certain feeling of elation as I left that conversation. Elation that came from successfully integrating my personality into strange alien territory. There’s something reassuring about being a social chameleon when the situation requires it. I think the elation is the same experienced by anthropologists when they realise the tribe they’re researching isn’t going to eat them.

dave

Now you might say that if a knight had passed all the many obstacles that stand in his way to get to the princess then surely he would be more than qualified to enter into a long term relationship with said princess even though at least one hundred other would-be suitors have usually already gone on ahead and failed. I think we can presume that every fallen knight on the way there has managed to get a fraction further to the princess every time (maybe even slaying a few dragons along the way). Which means that the final prince charming is not the fastest or strongest or cleverest because the journey has gotten a little bit easier every time. Surely if fairytales have taught us anything it’s to always let the pawns move first (oh wait…I think I’m thinking of chess).

dave

I’ve tried explaining Monkey Magic to the younger generation and they just can’t keep up. I explain that it is the story of a monkey who is also a man (and a god) sworn to protect a woman dressed as a man with his friends the fish who is a man and a demon and also the pig who is also a man and a demon and the man/woman rides on a horse that is a man and a dragon. By this stage I usually have to start with the inevitable diagrams and flowcharts.

For most of my generation Monkey Magic shaped us during our formative years (through constant repetition) which would be a lovely thought were it not for the amount of ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns we sat through. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get through a day without some esplainin’ to do…

dave

Could you really spend quality time with yourself for long or would it be torture? It’s a tough question to ask yourself whether or not you would like you if you didn’t know you as you. Personally I think that I would get along quite well with myself and am sure I could develop a strong f/s and who knows maybe even an r/s after a small amount of time. I’d say five minutes ought to do it.

dave