P.S.: What’s your take on abortion?

– Maddie, Lakewood

Dear Maddie: Wow, lots to think about in that one! Do you know of any mutual friends you might have with the guy? Maybe you could casually mention his name in front of them and see if anyone has any insights about your shy buddy’s feelings. Or you could always just be bold and see what he’s doing for lunch some time. Sometimes just waiting on the other person means waiting for nothing.

As for abortion, as a professional advice columnist, I don’t like to reveal my perspective on such weighty, divisive issues. The abortion question is an important decision for individuals to make for themselves. But I will say that one of the positions is definitely really wrong!

Dear Trevor:
My girlfriend is obsessed with unicorns. She always turns the conversation back to unicorns when we’re together, and even my friends are starting to get a little ticked off by all the unicorn talk. I don’t mind the posters and notebooks, but when she tried to find a sitter for her huge model unicorn collection, that was the last straw. I told her it was me or those g#dd%mned unicorns, but she started crying and hung up on me. Now I don’t know what to do!
– “Mark,” Gahanna

Hi, “Mark.”
Tough one there. The only thing I can compare it to would have to be a personal experience I had during my sophomore year with my girlfriend, “Colleen.” However, her fixation wasn’t with unicorns but with the “North American Sasquatch,” as she called it (despite a biology major acquaintance’s insistence that such a name amounted to a redundancy in terms). What started out as a seemingly innocent, though quite public, area of interest rapidly spiraled into endless conversations that centered around the mythical creature until his big foot was wedged squarely between us.

One minute it was, “What do you think you’d do if we actually saw a North American Sasquatch?” or “Isn’t the North American Sasquatch cool?,” and the next it was, “Hey, what do you think the offspring would look like if a North American Sasquatch were to impregnate, say, a reasonably attractive, blonde 20-something from Findlay, Ohio?” At the time, I’d try hopelessly to steer our conversations in another direction, hoping to broaden her interest to include biological sciences generally, or even primates specifically (I’d have even settled, at that point, for an unnatural obsession with great apes or something). Nothing seemed to make a difference.

But, you know what? Now that I’ve had some time to reflect, I realize that the problem wasn’t with Colleen, her grainy pictures of a mysterious “beast,” or even her massive collection of plaster cast “footprints,” but with yours truly. My mistake was in trying to change a person into something she’s not. If Unicorn Girl is not what you want, don’t de-horn her interests. Buck up and find what’s right for “Mark.”

No related posts.

Environmental group FUME (F.U. Mining Entities) overtook a recent county commissioners’ meeting to state its opposition to a recently filed permit for a strip mine in Athens County. Group members argued the mine would destroy acres of rural property, contaminate streams and watersheds and provide few long-lasting employment opportunities in return.

Commissioners, however, remained undecided on whether to oppose or support the proposed mine, noting Ohio’s governor favors job creation over maintaining any type of natural living space, or breathable air.

“Once the coal miners’ lavish paychecks return to the county in tax form, we can just buy everyone some new scenery,” said Commissioner Bart Molliven. “I think the whole ‘green countryside’ thing is somewhat overrated, to be honest.”

Former commissioner-turned-mining-mogul Phil Bison agreed, vowing to offer jobs to locals interested in building new mountains out of dirt and rubble.
photo credit: squeaks2569

No related posts.

Image via Wikipedia

With the passage of SB-5, public employers, not so-called “laborers,” will enjoy the opportunity to have the final say on how much money their employees take home. That policemen, firefighters, teachers and other public employees are allowed so much pay or job-related benefits to start with is baffling. Local government budgets were being sucked dry by professionals demanding a “living wage.” The middle class was effectively getting away with murder. But no more! The heady days of unlimited, no-cost public education and universal infrastructure are over.

And speaking of cutting down on free government rides, America’s prisons are woefully crowded — with an overpaid, government-subsidized workforce. About 2 million of these so-called “inmates,” mostly young minority men, are sucking the budgets dry with the sweet government payout of three square meals and housing, plus subsidized medical care. Corporations across the country have already helped ensure that these fellows collect a crisp fistful of dollar bills for a day’s work, and those same companies generously finance the prison’s operating costs. What possible need could the workers have for continued government payouts?

Let’s scale these time-doin’, stripes-wearing, cigarette-trading fat cats down to the bare minimum, say, minimum wage (and no more desserts). Then we will have the ideal solution for anyone worried about who will repair our roads, fight fires, teach our children and tend to public safety, while at the same time maintaining a balanced budget.

Replacing the current crop of public sector workers with the government’s fastest-growing labor force could be just the ticket to solving the budget crises facing our nation’s states. If they attempt to unionize, prison leaders have options to them state government officials would trade their golf outings for, such as solitary confinement, or retaliatory beatings.

As for the previous occupants of those high-paying public occupations, they may find themselves in a growing class of citizenry: the invisible poor. And if poverty and mental illness account for a large enough percentage of our nation’s prisoners, they could have their old jobs back before they know it.

Related articles

• Michelle Chen: State Budget Battles Converge on Prison Labor Force (huffingtonpost.com)

No related posts.

No related posts.

No related posts.

He stays in his room pretty much all the time, except when he goes out at night. He rarely spends time in the common areas of the house, and all of his food and drinks are stacked neatly on one side of the fridge –  I guess he doesn’t want to share. In the 72 hours since he’s moved in, he’s refused my multiple invitations for a game of checkers, or my offers of a cold soda, or even a ham-salad sandwich.

Last night, when he came home, it was clear he’d been out partying. He looked a little “hungover,” if you know what I mean. Shortly after he came home, he got sick in the bathroom. I went in and offered to help clean up, but he just said, “Get the (expletive) out of here.” I’m disappointed — I was really hoping Bud and I could be pals.

– Bummed on North College Street

Dear Bummed: Your housemate reminds me a lot of one I had briefly during my sophomore year. I went through some of the same frustrations with him. For being such a cool guy, he sure did keep to himself a lot.

No amount of “Let’s go outside and toss around the football” could pull him away from his video games, smut mags, and various other vices. My choices were to adjust by accepting him (since you can’t change another person without his or her willing participation in that change) or find a new environment more suited to my own interests. As it turned out, though, my “Bud” was an undercover cop whose true identity we ‘d learn only after ”Bud” was badly injured while biking just a little too close to cougar country!

Dear Trevor: My roommate and I are about to host our first off-campus party. We’ve pared down the guest list to over-21s, reserved a few kegs and sent the invitations. Any tips for pulling off a successful (and legal) bash?

– Ashleighee and Barbara

Dear A and B: Hey, ladies! Sounds like a good time. Hmm… A successful and legal bash. Well, it might be smart to keep a few fake I.D.s (with generic-enough-looking pictures) on hand in advance. That way, in the event that some under-agers “sneak through the cracks” and the cops happen to pay a visit, you could present a few examples of your handiwork, and make like you had just seized them from the perpetrators yourself.

You could be all, “I can’t believe these people just lied to me! Thanks so much for your time and help, officer.” Just be sure not to oversell your lines, and do not smirk. Also, it’s never too early to start practicing your best “betrayed and genuinely disappointed” face. ; ) You could probably even incorporate it into some kind of drinking game, or corn hole or something. May the best “disappointed” face win!

It may not be cool to rat out illegal revelers, but it sure beats being the one that Mom, Dad, and Aunt Jane get to read about online in the Athens police blotter.  Oh yeah, and steer clear of the hard drugs!

No related posts.

It is our hope that, through greater understanding from all parties involved, we might help to secure a safer, less blood-riddled environment for the future.

Brandon, a junior from Euclid, Ohio, who would only give his first name (or, alternately, “Big B,” or “B-ran,” or “The Bra”), said the whole “disaster” amounted to a massive overreaction by law enforcement.

“Okay, we were all just hanging out, all chill, drinking, listening to some music when a bunch of cops on horses came charging in and punching people on the head,” Brandon said. “This one guy in riot gear slapped this chick in the face while she just sitting there having a sandwich. So my dude was like, chill out, she’s just having a sandwich!”

“So, the cop was like, ‘Here’s your sandwich, ********!”

Brandon, who said he’s facing a disorderly conduct charge, said he’s “only guilty of having a good time.”

“Yeah, I urinated on a police horse at one point, but I don’t really see what’s wrong with that,” he said. “I had to go, and the horse was right there in front of me. And it’s not like urine is painful to horses, especially not compared to all of the full beer cans people were chucking at them.”

“Totally,” Brandon’s friend, Nate, agreed.

“So, then I get arrested!” Brandon said. “It’s just insane.”

“Totally,” Nate said.

“I don’t see how this is any different from what people did in the ’60s, like during the sit-ins at the lunch counter and stuff,” Brandon said. “We just wanted to burn up a few stops signs and couches, chuck some stuff at horses, and just chill. You know? It’s like, ‘What about our civil rights?’”

Officer Ross McCown, of the local police department, said he saw things differently.

“We were there to ensure everyone’s safety, and it was only after a bunch of unprovoked students started burning things in the street and pelting officers with cans, bottles, and other debris that we were forced to take the actions necessary for bringing the whole thing under control,” he said.

Asked about eye-witness reports of excessive force by the police, McCown called the accusations “ridiculous.”

“As we arrived on the scene, students began hurling what looked like homemade grenades, and we have reason to believe that several of them were equipped with flame-throwing devices and automatic weapons.”

“When a situation has started to get that far out of hand, it’s our responsibility to do everything we can to make sure it doesn’t escalate any further,” he said.

Despite his insistence that law enforcement “took the high road,” McCown did offer one qualification, unprompted.

“Now don’t get me wrong,” he said. “There’s something really cool about busting up a party, shaking people down and making them cry.”

Patricia Suggs, of the Better Neighborhoods Association of Athens, is an outspoken critic of what she’s dubbed “the general disrespectfulness of student behavior”, and its impact on the greater Athens community. A lifelong Athens resident, she’s the author of the controversial memoir, “Why College Students Have Spoiled Everything for Everyone, And Why They Don’t Give Half a Damn About Anything But Themselves.”

She said her proposal for preventing future near-riots among students is one that’s simple and direct.

“Kick ‘em out. The vast majority of them have no business being here in the first place,” Suggs said. “But, once they’re here, they should be forced to either behave like grown-ups or get deported back to Mommy and Daddy. I’d also like to see some kind of public humiliation punishments brought back from the old days, just as extra incentive. I’m pretty sure that might make little Johnnie Cool Pants think twice about blaring his bad music, leaving his trash everywhere, and relieving himself on my lawn.”

No related posts.

Editor:

I’m writing today because I feel it is imperative for the citizens of the Republic of Athens to do something about all these block parties.

The students are an 800-lb. gorilla. There’s no getting rid of this gorilla; he is indomitable and consumes copious quantities of bananas (beer). The gorilla comes with the territory, and residents accept this.

Happily, part of the gorilla is an industrious, if fun-loving, beast. Part of the gorilla wants to make a contribution to society, to raise kittens and learn sign language.

But the gorilla also has a dark side. For this part of the gorilla, the jungle, which is our town, is nothing more than a place for him to run around hooting, drinking from streams and marking territory.

Responsible, tax-paying citizens are the spider monkeys trying to avoid being used as swinging vines when the gorilla decides it’s time for some fun. We’ve had enough of trash in the streets, of near-riots and attacks on police horses. I feel like I’m in that movie, “King Kong,” directed by Peter Jackson, except without the distracting performance by Jack Black.

Net traps and tranquilizer guns aside, wouldn’t a respectable “republic” do something to control this bumbling animal before he destroys the place we love?

Relocating him to his sanctuary in the suburbs is only ever a temporary solution. So far, the joke’s on us, the real people who actually live here on purpose (and on our own dime)! Who’s going to stick up for US?

You probably won’t even publish this letter, but here it is.

- Patricia Suggs, Better Neighborhoods Association of Athens

photo credit: dce_76

No related posts.