Boundaries defined

I’m not going to get complicated here trying to define what boundaries are, so I’ll attempt to draw you a mental picture. Here are a couple of examples to think about to help understand what boundaries are. Try to imagine each situation. One thing should be pretty clear upon contemplating each of these “boundary” examples. At first, it seems simple to figure out the boundary or boundaries for each, but if you think about it, each example can have more than one boundary – in fact, each may have several, depending upon the circumstances and the desired outcome.

Example 1. The Island

You’re on a small island in the ocean, all alone and you can’t swim. What are your boundaries?

In this situation (with the desire to stay alive) it would seem that the only clearly defined boundary is the coast or shoreline. On an island you would have the freedom to explore wherever you like, as long as you stay away from the water, since you can’t swim. But, what if there are also dangerous creatures on that island? Perhaps there are snakes that nest in or around the base of certain trees in the wooded areas of the island. How would this affect your boundary lines? Instead of having the freedom to roam all over the island, you’ll need to stay out of the woods, to avoid being bitten by a poisonous, life-threatening snake. Or, what if you taught yourself to swim? How would that affect your boundary?

My point is simple, every situation or circumstance comes with its own set of boundaries. And many times, these boundaries are situational and relative to the person involved.

Example 2. The Recovering Alcoholic

For a person addicted to alcohol or “alcoholic” – boundaries are going to look very different than for one who does not have a drinking problem. As a recovering alcoholic, some of the boundaries may look like the following:

• Avoid any pubs and bars.
• Avoid the beer and wine isle in the grocery store.
• Avoid social situations where alcohol is being served.
• Avoid friends who drink during social drinking hours.
• Avoid those who don’t support your being a teetotaler, who insist on your social drinking, instead of being abstinent.

As you probably already realize, the above “boundaries” can vary among recovering alcoholics, depending upon the degree of wellness and time elapsed. For a ten year reformed alcoholic, perhaps it’s okay to associate with friends during a social drinking hour. However, for a newly recovering alcoholic, the above boundaries must be carefully observed, to avoid temptation, which could lead to relapse.

Whether a non-swimmer on an island alone, an alcoholic trying to recover, or a person with other issues – good, established boundaries play an essential role in maintaining a healthy and happy life. Even the most well-adjusted, healthy individuals have established boundaries in place, whether they realize it or not. Boundaries are an essential part of their achieving healthy balance, success and happiness in life.

Your Take Away:

On a more personal level, what are your boundaries? If your life is currently riddled with problems, distress, discontent or crisis, it may be that you have boundary issues or “B.A.D.” Meanwhile, take the time to think about your current troubling situation. Make a list of the boundaries that are in place in your life. Are they working? If not, then maybe they need to reordered or changed.

Related posts:

1. Do You Have Boundary Issues?

No related posts.

“. . . love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control . . .”

(Galatians 5:22-23)

I don’t know about you, but for me, these particular attributes are what I need on a moment by moment basis to be the best that I can be. The amazing thing is that they come from God! Being tapped into Him means being supercharged to plow through all the daily muck and mire.

Furthermore, it’s the only way that we can keep moving forward – PROGRESSING and not sliding backwards!

My prayer for all of us today is that we keep ourselves “plugged in” to our real Source of strength and wisdom:

1. Focus on God’s truth.
   
2. Pray for His strength, wisdom and guidance.
   
3. Decide to consciously follow what He reveals.
   
4. PROGRESS in your faith and move forward!

No related posts.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9c3n4H5p3E[/youtube]

Occasionally, there are days when I feel exhausted, defeated, depressed and discouraged. Do you ever feel like this? Who am I kidding? Of course you do. In fact, it’s the plight of being human to have bad moments and bad days from time to time. Sometimes the sting of reality becomes a bit hard to take, which is pretty normal in my experience. But, if we’re not careful, the bad moments and bad days can unsuspectingly sneak up on us, snowballing into bad weeks, bad months and even bad years. So, how do we keep this from happening? And how do we know when it’s creeping up on us?

In the title of this blog, I ask the question – “Are you running on empty?” You see, I believe that at any point in life we can easily lose our way if we’re not firmly grounded (having
the right foundation) and filled with the right fuel. Quite easily and unknowingly, we can find ourselves taking a proverbial “drive through life” with our tanks running low on fumes – operating on the fringe. Even worse is when things come to a screeching halt, keeping us from achieving the right goals or reaching our destination.

Running on Empty or “On the Fringe” Defined

To be clear, my definition of “running or empty” or “operating on the fringe” is when a person conducts their life on limited resources, in danger of breaking down. It’s one who doesn’t have clearly defined boundaries, a person who has no set goals, a person who fails to nurture the body, the mind and the spirit. It’s Popeye without his spinach, grass without fertilizer, a car with little or no gas. You get the picture.

And speaking of cars, for most of us, our vehicle represents freedom and independence to do what we need to do and to get where we’re going. Not only does it represent our freedom, but it also facilitates (makes easier) most of what we need to accomplish daily. But, what happens when our car breaks down or runs out of gas?

Quite simply, no gas means “no go.” We all know that. It’s an easy concept to grasp. When the needle on the gas gauge starts pointing towards “empty,” what do we do? We drive to the nearest gas station and “fill ‘er up.”

But, what about our life tank? It’s not always easy to figure out when or if we’re getting close to empty. And there’s more than just one tank that needs to be kept filled. There are mental, spiritual and physical components that make up the whole, healthy person. And I believe that the combination and proper balance of these three directly affect our emotional wellness.

So what if our “life needle” starts pointing to empty? Many times we seek help or try to find ways to recharge or refill our life tank, if we even recognize our need. But many times, we seek out the wrong things or perhaps we just keep going, thinking we’ll soon make it to that gas station and get a refill.

Now I understand that there are always going to be unexpected things that occur in life, things that cause grief and heartache, things over which we have no control. They are difficult to deal with and present challenges to us. It’s important though, to remember that if they happen while operating on empty or when close to empty – WATCH OUT! The aftermath can become a life wrecker and really difficult to overcome. This is why foresight, vigilance and preparation are so important.

In my coaching, I talk to people with all kinds of problems. Whether it be work, relationship, health, addiction, anxiety, mid-life crisis or a combination of these issues, one thing seems overwhelmingly clear to me –

Those who are operating on empty or on the fringe don’t cope well with the challenges that life presents. And not only that, but when problems begin to occur, while operating at a deficit (that is, being on or close to empty), more problems begin to take shape. In fact, much of the time, a type of snowballing occurs. Before you know it, a person is in full-blown crisis and unable to think, cope or adequately respond to the difficult matters at hand.

Your Take Home

So here are three things for you to consider today.

1. Look at the signs above and try to determine if you’re running on empty.
2. Begin to take precautions to keep yourself from operating on the fringe: mentally, spiritually and physically. Nurture these fundamental aspects of your life, keep them full and balanced so that when adversity comes, you’ll be equipped to deal with the challenges at hand.
3. If you’re already in a state of crisis and operating on empty, then find someone wise and supportive to talk to. Now is not the time to try to deal with your chaos alone. It’s important that you have wise support and encouragement – someone good to talk to.

Over the next few blogs, I’ll discuss some things you can do that will help keep you from operating on empty or “fringeing, as I like to call it.”

As always, feel free to contact me if you need some help. Also, feel free to leave a comment or question below.

Related posts:

1. Causes of Anxiety and Panic Attacks
2. What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Have you ever heard that nifty little quote? I could probably just end this blogcast right here without going any further. Enough said. “Why?” you may ask. Well, in my experience and observation, people who operate on the fringe (what I call “fringeing”) or those who are “running on empty,” often end up going from one problem to the next and then the next. In a nutshell, THIS is why it’s so important to never allow yourself to operate on an empty tank. Existing in a cloud of problems or crisis is no fun and can easily ruin your life or at the least, seriously set you back.

Running on Empty or “Fringeing” Defined Again

To recap, my definition of “running on empty”, “empty tank,” or “fringeing,” is someone who is either in or on the verge of crisis, someone who is operating on limited resources – at a deficit. It is someone that is one step away from a crash. Unfortunately, many people in today’s microwave, spur of the moment, immediate gratification society find themselves in this predicament. Even more unfortunate, I believe, is the possibility that those who FRINGE could be just one problem away from breakdown, disaster, or full-blown crisis. The upside is that I believe this caustic condition is entirely preventable. Let me tell you why . . .

Why I Believe “Fringeing” is Preventable

In my last blog I used the metaphor of a car’s gas gauge to represent “fringeing” or “operating on empty.” I stated that when your gas level indicator starts pointing towards empty, that you go to the nearest station and “fill ‘er up.” In a similar fashion, our lives need to be consistently “filled” with things that will nurture the mind, the body, and the spirit – to achieve proper life balance. It should be obvious that if you find yourself at the point of “being on empty” and “on the fringe,” that you’ve neglected to keep your tank “filled.” Your life is most likely out of balance and possibly on the verge of spiraling out of control.

I believe this “fringeing” is preventable if you take the necessary steps to keep your needle away from the “E” on your life tank level indicator. To stay away from the fringe, it’s important (as I wrote in my last blog) to nurture the mind, body and spirit on a consistent, ongoing basis. I realize at this point, that I’m speaking a bit in the abstract. I’m doing this mainly because I want you to fully understand the concept of “fringeing” and also because every person is different. Every person is at their own unique point in their life journey.

Your Take Away

Hopefully at this point of reading or listening, you should now have a good idea of the signs and the concepts of what operating on empty or “fringeing” are. You should also know that to prevent “fringeing” from ever happening in your life, you’ll need to consistently keep your life tank filled. But how or with what? My advice is to consider the following, which are in no particular order. Think about how you can use them to “fill your tank” and avoid the fringe.

• Faith
• Prayer
• Family
• Friends
• Exercise
• Rest
• Education
• Nutrition
• Boundaries

Over the next few blogs, I’ll dig deeper into these particular topics and discuss how they will help you avoid “fringeing” or “operating on empty” and keep your life in proper balance.

As always, feel free to contact me if you need some help. Also, feel free to leave a comment or question below.

Fat Burning Furnace for Quick and Easy Weight Loss

Related posts:

1. Are You Running on Empty?
2. What Are Healthy Boundaries?

How can exercise and fish oil often be a more effective treatment for depression than antidepressants? Could it be because they are both potent anti-inflammatories? Could it be that depression is a low-grade inflammatory disease of the brain¹?

Let’s look at the evidence.

1. Proinflammatory cytokines IL-1, IL-6, and TNF α (molecular messengers that set off the inflammatory response) and bacterial toxins (produced in our gut) produce
   symptoms of depression and anxiety.
2. Cytokines overactivate the HPA (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal) axis (the stress response) just like we find in depressed patients.
3. Cytokines increase the function of an enzyme (IDO) that breaks down tryptophan, leading to less serotonin in the brain³.
   Serotonin is the happy mood chemical that fights depression.
4. The immune system is overactive in severe depression, producing brain inflammation.
5. Using immune therapy like interferon (a cytokine) for diseases like hepatitis C or multiple sclerosis triggers depression.
6. Depression is more common in inflammatory diseases like autoimmune and heart disease.

As compelling as these pieces of information are, they are not the only indications that depression is caused by an inflamed brain.

A new technique called vagal nerve stimulation is very helpful in depression⁴. The vagus nerve is your calming, relaxation nerve. When you take a deep breath, meditate, or do yoga the vagus nerve is activated, and it releases acetylcholine, which reduces the production of inflammatory cytokines.

There may be many reasons deep breathing and relaxation work, but certainly one of them is the fact that inflammation is reduced.

We also know that omega-3 fats help depression and produce remission⁵. They work by lowering inflammation and also through their effects on cell membranes and cell communication.

Similarly, we know that exercise is an anti-inflammatory and works better than Prozac in treating depression⁶.

Another example comes out of Harvard. A group of researchers there discovered an increased number of “white matter lesions,” or little white spots in the brain
that are seen in autoimmune diseases like multiple sclerosis in depressed patients. This correlated with low levels of folate, which caused high levels of homocysteine,
a molecule that triggers inflammation in the brain⁷. So being vitamin deficient produces toxic molecules that inflame the brain and cause depression.

Of course, we must ask, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Does depression cause inflammation or inflammation cause depression?”

The answer is yes. It is a vicious cycle. Inflammation leads to depression, which leads to more inflammation.

The message is that to adequately treat depression we must look for, find, and eliminate the causes of inflammation and then help the body create balance in the immune system turning off this vicious cycle.

For more information on depression, please see Dr. Hyman’s new book,The UltraMind Solution.

I am always searching for valuable information to help my coaching clients. Dr. Mark Hyman’s book, The UltraMind Solution is unquestionably one of the best resources that I’ve found for helping those who struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental issues. The truth of the matter is that the mind and the body are undeniably connected. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

Related posts:

1. Causes of Anxiety and Panic Attacks

In the course of working with clients and executives, one issue that continually arises is that of diet.  Many of my clients who find themselves in the heat of crisis also discover that they’re gaining weight, particularly in the belly area.  This, of course, is due to a number of factors including high cortisol in the body from being overstressed, as well as bad eating habits and lack of exercise.  In moments such as these, when the body is under extreme duress from crisis, it’s important to eat the right things.  Hence, this short video on Eggs and Oatmeal for weight loss.

In a nutshell, Eggs and Oatmeal, as a combination, have a number of nutritional advantages for the body:

• Real oatmeal has lots of fiber. Fiber fills you up and slows the release of sugar into the blood stream.  We all know (or at least we all should know) that even blood sugar levels contribute to keeping our moods normal and our brains from being inflamed.  An even blood sugar level also helps keep the body from bad cravings and from going on eating binges.  This is a big factor in maintaining a healthy weight.  Also, fiber is known to lower cholesterol levels as well.
• Eggs are a complete protein source and are amazingly healthy. Depending on the size, eggs provide around 6 to 7 grams of protein per egg.  Most of the protein is contained in the whites, where the fat is concentrated in the yoke.  Many worry about cholesterol levels and eating too many eggs (yokes).  For this reason, it’s always easy to use one whole egg and the rest with egg whites, still obtaining an ample amount of protein for the meal.  But, according to Jean Albritton in her article “Eat Your Eggs and Have Your Chickens Too,” she states:

Eggs have been a highly valued foods since the beginning of time—eggs from chickens, ducks, geese, turtles and fish. Egg yolks are the richest source of two superstar carotenoids—lutein and zeaxanthin.  Not only are bright yellow yolks loaded with these fat-soluble antioxidant nutrients, they are more bioavailable than those found in vegetables, corn and most supplements. While these nutrients have a reputation of combating macular degeneration and cataracts and supporting overall healthy vision, they have a long list of other benefits, including protecting the skin from sun damage and even reducing one’s risk of colon and breast cancer.

Besides providing all eight essential protein building amino acids, a large whole, fresh egg offers about six to seven grams of protein and five grams of fat (with about 1.5 grams of it saturated), which comes in handy to help in the absorption of all the egg’s fat-soluble vitamins. One egg also serves up around 200 milligrams of brain-loving cholesterol and contains the valuable vitamins A, K, E, D, B-complex and minerals iron, phosphorus, potassium and calcium. Choline, another egg-nutrient, is a fatty substance found in every living cell and is a major component of our brain. Additionally, choline helps break up cholesterol deposits by preventing fat and cholesterol from sticking to the arteries. So the bottom line is, don’t be chicken about eating eggs, especially the cholesterol-rich yolks!

The Recipe

• 1/2 cup Bob’s Red Mill (Gluten Free) Oatmeal
• 3 or 4 organic eggs (1/2 whole and use 1/2 whites if preferred)
• 1 cup of filtered water
• a pinch of Sea Salt

1. Bring water to a boil.
2. Add oatmeal and turn down to medium heat.
3. Allow to cook down a bit (usually about 5 minutes).
4. Add eggs to mixture and stir until cooked.  It will look similar to scrambled eggs.
5. Pour onto plate and sprinkle a little salt on top to taste.

No related posts.

Let’s face it, we all have bad days. And sometimes those bad days can turn into bad weeks, bad months, and if we’re not careful, bad years. Before we know it, we can be sucked into a downward, overstressed spiral towards anxiety, depression or even worse. For some, this may seem too painful to even read, but if the truth is told, there are people hurting everywhere, whether it’s you or me, a family member or someone we know.

In the midst of crisis, heartache, misery or difficulty, it’s essential for us to take the right steps to maintain our sanity and wellbeing on a daily basis. In fact, it’s important for all of us, whether we’re feeling great, just okay or horrible, to make a habit of practicing wellness. It’s just good living.

Tips for Feeling Better Today

1. Do some Exercise. I’ve written about it over and over again, but the facts are clear. Exercise has amazing benefits for the body and the mind. No excuse or amount of doubt is going to change that. A brisk 30 minute walk can do more for your perspective than sitting in misery, even if you don’t feel like it. If you want to start feeling better, get off your rear and do something!

2. Practice Relaxation. There is an amazing, calming benefit for the mind and body when you learn to relax effectively. Even if you take just a five-minute break away from the busyness of your day to be alone and quiet, you’ll reap the benefits of this soothing activity. Mark Hyman, in his “UltraMind Solution” book calls it “finding the pause button” – a designated time when our bodies heal, repair and renew during a state of purposeful relaxation. Try a relaxing hot bath in Epsom salts, lavender and baking soda.

3. Make Prayer a priority. There’s really no substitute for communing on a daily basis with the God of the universe. To me, prayer does just that. Many people think prayer and meditation are the same thing. They can certainly be combined, and from my Christian perspective, the two compliment one another. Check yourself daily and make sure that you’re tapping in to the joy, peace, power, strength and wisdom that come from knowing God intimately through prayer, just as King David did in Psalm 63.

4. Learn to Laugh. Spend some time distracting yourself from life by doing something with a friend who will make you laugh. Watch a funny TV show or listen to something comical on the radio. Laughing, just like exercise, releases pain killing endorphins into the bloodstream, which is a natural way to feel better.

5. Get Inspired. When dealing with difficulty and feeling lost, lonely, afraid or depressed, it’s essential to find some inspiration. If we get too down, we can become hopeless – like a flat tire, in desperate need of a shot of air to start rolling smoothly again. One effective way to do this is to read something inspirational, such as the Bible, or a book that addresses your particular situation, one that provides you with some hope and solution for what’s plaguing you.

There’s no magic bullet to feeling better. Sometimes it just takes time and distance for things to improve. No matter what the situation, it’s important to be proactive in the pursuit of wellness. When dealing with clients, I often find that many have a good grip on certain aspects of wellness, but fail to stay on top of some of the most basic things that keep us well. Learning to master the above tips will provide some much needed relief during difficulty or challenging times.

As always, feel free to contact me if you need some help practicing wellness. Also, feel free to leave a comment or question below.

Related posts:

1. Eggs & Oatmeal for Fat Loss & Wellness
2. Are You Running on Empty?
3. The Serenity Prayer

We all have to deal with difficult people from time to time. Recently, I came across this article from “Lifehack” that I felt was very practical for this problem. Check it out and let me know your thoughts.

9 Ways to Manage Annoying People

Ever faced people who bother you? I’m sure all of us have faced such people before. It’s okay when we have to deal with them just once or twice, but there are times when these people enter our lives where we have to deal with them on an ongoing basis. They may be business associates, coworkers, friends, or even family members and relatives. In any case, it’s important to learn how to cope with them. Here are 9 tips on how to effectively deal with these types of difficult people:

1. Work on Changing yourself.

When dealing with people, always remember that it’s not about changing others, but about changing yourself. You can try to change others, but you probably won’t succeed in doing so. The best way to address the situation is to change your perspective and how you react to it. By changing that, everything else will then start to changel.

2. Draw your boundaries.

Be clear on what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate. Then stick with it. You have your own personal space and it’s your perogative to protect your space. By drawing the boundaries, even if just mentally, you are clearer of the kind of behaviors to expect from others. If you don’t do so, it’s easy for you to be pushed over by others, especially since such people tend not to be conscious of personal boundaries. You’ll wind up shrinking in a corner and feeling miserable, and you wouldn’t want that.

3. Be honest about where you stand.

If the person tends to violate your personal space, then let him/her know where you stand the next time you communicate. People aren’t mind readers, and sometimes they may not be aware that they are infringing on your space. Giving the person some indicators will help. If he/she tends to take up a lot of your time, then let him/her know that you have XX minutes at the onstart of the conversation. That way, you are being fair by informing him/her in advance. If you prefer to communicate via email/text/chat/other channels, then let him/her know too.

4. Be firm when needed.

If the person does not stick within the boundaries, then enforce them. Give a gentle reminder at first. If he/she still does not get the hint, then make a call and draw the line right there. Push back and become firm on your boundaries, and you’ll be much more fulfilled. If you’re constantly feeling imposed upon by the other person’s needs, then you most likely won’t be effective at helping them.

5. Ignore them.

Ignoring is effective at times. When you interact with them, you give them a reason to continue their behavior. If you just ignore, they don’t have a choice but to seek out someone else. Not only that, it also hints to them about their behavior and helps them do some self-reflection.

6. Don’t take it personally.

Most of the time, annoying people behave the same way around others too. I had a friend who was very negative. She always had something to criticize whenever we were together. At first I thought she had something against me, but after I observed her interacting with others, I realized that she was like that with everyone else too. Realizing it wasn’t anything personal helped me deal with her objectively.

7. Observe how others deal with them.

Watching others deal with the same person you find annoying can be an eye-opening experience. Even if the person may be at his/her wits-end handling the individual, just observing from a third party’s point of view can give you insights on how to cope. The next time you are with this person, get someone else into the conversation too. Take a back seat by broaching a topic that’s relevant between the two of them, then play the silent role in the situation. Observe how the other party handles him/her. Try this exercise with different people – from savvy networkers, someone you find difficult to deal with as well, someone similar to you, etc. You will get interesting results.

8. Show kindness.

Often times, they act the way they do because they are looking for an empathetic ear. Hear what they have to say, and be empathetic towards them. Give them some friendly act of kindness. Don’t impose on them, but just be there and empathize. It might well do the trick.

9. Help them.

Beneath the facade is really a cry for help. Check with them if they need any help, or if there is anything you can do to help them. Sometimes, it’s possible they require help but they don’t know how to articulate it. Help them to uncover their problem, then work with them to analyze the issue and discover the solution. It’s important to still let them take charge in the situation, because the end outcome is you want them to learn to take control of the situation, and not grow dependent on you for help.

Source – Lifehack.org

As always, feel free to contact me if you need some help. Also, feel free to leave a comment or question below.

Related posts:

1. What Are Healthy Boundaries?