| Rhett Smith:. Transitioning Life's Journey - Reflections on Writing, Therapy, and Faith

How Anxiety is The Greatest Motivator for One Author and Blogger

2012-05-03T03:05:55Z

Today I asked author and blogger Renee Fisher to share with us about how anxiety has transformed her life and motivated her to continually pursue God. You can learn more about Renee here, as well as following her on Twitter @devotionaldiva — and don’t forget to cruise over and check out her books Not Another Dating Book and Faithbook of Jesus: Connecting with Jesus Daily.

The Greatest Motivator

There is nothing else on this planet that motivates me more than my sufferings.

Every time I experience the anxiety that plagues me, my immediate reaction is to run! My body tenses up and I can’t breathe. I grasp for my throat only to find my hands are already shaking. My pastor once said, “Stand up to trials and run away from temptation.” My flesh is real good at doing the opposite. If I’m honest, I’d rather not focus on my anxiety. I’d rather numb my mind in front of the television while I eat more junk food.

As much as I hate my anxiety–it keeps me in check. I have to ask myself questions like, “Am I sinning to avoid the truth?” “What am I so afraid of?”

Sometimes the answer doesn’t come right away, and I am left with panic attacks. Other times I realize it’s just my flesh readjusting to new surroundings–like a new husband and a new house. I even have an office now. Sometimes I think I become anxious because I have so much freedom in a whole room to myself.

My anxiety is a point of suffering in my life, and I guess I still struggle with accepting it. Even when everything is going great, I am always afraid that my anxiety is going to come back and shake my confidence once again.

I thought marriage would quiet my anxiety. Nope! I quickly learned in my first few weeks of marriage that God continues to allow my thorn in the flesh. Sometimes I hate that He won’t allow me to get the least bit comfortable, and yet I am joyfully surprised at times to see how God uses what I see as suffering to motivate me into godly action. What a comfort to know I have a perfect example to follow. When I feel lost, hurt, and overwhelmed by my anxiety, I can once again be motivated by the sufferings of Jesus.

The more I study the life of Jesus, I see how He didn’t waver. He did everything the Father asked Him to do–even if it meant suffering. Jesus was tempted in every way as we are and yet He did not sin.

Let that sink in for a moment!

“He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed” (1 Peter 2:22-24, NLT).

My sufferings teach me how to grow.

I have learned to embrace these times of quiet fellowship with God. When the panic attacks come I know God is waiting for me. All I need to do is surrender my pride. Easier said than done. The nature of anxiety is to take the focus off God and onto myself. I’m the one who’s suffering. As much as I struggle with the disruptions–I’ve learned to simply humble myself. The more I wrestle with God, the longer it takes for God to teach me these vital truths impertinent to my character.

If I can learn what He is trying to teach me–then He removes my anxiety. Not always, and not right away, but I can trust God to show me what to do.

Some days God uses my panic attacks to call me into action. The more time I spend in prayer the better. I remember to take my thoughts captive to Christ–not myself. Through reading the Word and other devotionals, I am able to stop worrying and let Him take control.

When I finally reach the point of giving everything to God, I can feel the release. My hands stop shaking, my throat stops closing, and I can breath again. I hear the words of the Lord from Exodus 14:14 that say, “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14).

I am thankful how much God has used my anxiety to motivate me into prayer and reading the Word. Some days I feel this is all I do. I feel plagued by my thoughts of worthlessness.

But I know better.

If it weren’t for that deep longing in my heart to allow God to use my anxiety to motivate me into a closer walk with Him, I truly believe I would have missed out on so many spiritual lessons.

When my husband and I first married I would take my anxiety personally. If I could just try harder, God would show me what to do. I furiously searched for the lesson God was trying to teach me.

But there are two of us now.

I love that God has given me a husband, but he has limits too. He works long hours, and when I take the focus off myself and on to serving the needs of Marc my anxiety is transformed. It’s not all about me anymore.

My sufferings are not all about me; they are for my husband and for those God calls me to serve! I’m so glad God uses our greatest fear to motivate us into acts of service. I now use Hebrews 10:24 as my ministry verse because it reminds me of where I’ve come from and where I’m going. “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24).

Do you know where you’re going? Ask the Lord to give you the strength to be used by Him. Even if that means, like me, He uses your greatest fear as the greatest motivator in your life.

When Couples Fight — The Argument Is Rarely About the “Issue”

2012-05-03T04:18:53Z

[image by EBKauai]

It probably took me a good 5-6 years of marriage before I realized that the fights my wife Heather and I were having were rarely ever about the issue that we were fighting about.

The fight is just the top of the surface, or as I like to tell couples — the top of the funnel. But as you enter the funnel and dive deeper you realize there is more to the fight than the supposed content a couple is arguing about.

For example, when I thought Heather and I were fighting about too many late nights working (hers and mine) — it wasn’t really about that. In this case, Heather and I’s fights were about feeling disconnected, or not important or valued. And when we are disconnected we experience deeper feelings underneath those. Feeling alone and abandoned (those go way back for me — long before Heather; check out Chapter 3 of my book The Anxious Christian if you want a better glimpse of the core negative feelings that go back way before your partner).

A typical fight that couples bring into my therapy office is over money. But money is just the issue at the top of the funnel — but it’s rarely about that. Dive deeper and one might discover that one of the spouses feels they have no voice in the marriage, and it just comes out in an argument over money. No voice leaves them feeling not important — not important leaves them feeling worthless. That’s just an example.

I could play this scenario out in how couple’s fight about sex, money, kids, in-laws, etc, and you would soon discover that the fight is just the smoke that points to a fire below the surface. And when arguments stay at the top of the funnel, solely focused on the issue, they are rarely healed long term.

Slow Down and Observe
At this point in our lives we have probably developed some pretty good coping skills that cover up the issues below the surface in our marriage. But begin changing your marriage by doing something. I recommend that you slow down and begin to observe the arguments that you and your spouse are having. As you observe pay real close attention to your experience of yourself in those arguments. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” Not what are you doing, but what are you feeling. “What do I want to do when I feel this way?”

As you pay closer attention to your feelings and coping patterns in an argument you will begin to see below the surface, and hopefully begin the process of gaining a clearer picture of what is happening between you and your partner when you argue.

It may not seem revolutionary, but trust me, it can change your marriage. It has changed mine.

For some guided help on better understanding the patterns you have created between your feelings and coping, I recommend the book 5 Days to a New Marriage by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever.

It’s Impossible That You Aren’t Communicating In Your Relationship!

2012-04-11T21:20:30Z

Often in the midst of a therapy session a couple will frustratingly declare to me, “We never communicate.”

The truth is that they are communicating all the time, but they just don’t like the message their partner is sending them. If my wife decides to get up when I’m talking to her, walk into our room, and slams the door — she is communicating to me. I just don’t like that message.

In the very short and helpful book, Family Ties That Bind: A Self-Help Guide to Change Through Family of Origin Therapy, Dr. Ronald W. Richardson says this:

“What most people mean by ‘communication,’ however, is sameness. When people think they are ‘really communicating,’ they usually mean they are thinking about things in the same way. When Maggie says George is not communicating, the problem really is that he is not communicating what she wants communicated. We are always communicating; we can’t not communicate.” (pp. 41)

Often couples who are unable to tolerate different messages from one another are struggling with a lack of differentiation in their relationship. Their inability to securely “stand on their own two feet” may signal an emotional fusion that has its roots in their family of origin.

A healthy couple is able to tolerate a healthy balance between togetherness and separateness in a marriage, rather than always feeling the need for agreement.

Anxiety Makes Humanity Unique

2012-03-29T03:56:28Z

Eric Chinski at the Paris Review, has a great interview with Brian Christian, author of The Most Human Human: What Talking with Computers Teaches Us About What It Means to Be Alive.

The article is a fascinating look at the interaction between humans, computers and AI (artificial intelligence)…and a probing look at what makes us human. Brian won ‘The Most Human Human’ award…which is basically this:

The Most Human Human is an award given out each year at the Loebner Prize, the artificial intelligence (AI) community’s most controversial and anticipated annual competition. The event is what’s called a Turing test, in which a panel of judges conducts a series of five-minute-long chat conversations over a computer with a series of real people and with a series of computer programs pretending to be people by mimicking human responses. The catch, of course, is that the judges don’t know at the start who’s who, and it’s their job in five minutes of conversation to try to find out.

But in the midst of this article, this statement jumped off the page at me…

“humans appear to be the only things anxious about what makes them unique”

What if anxiety not only makes us human, but what if anxiety is a gift? A gift that reminds us of our humanity. A gift that reminds us of our freedom. A gift that reminds us to pursue the God who uniquely created us. Created us to live with anxiety in order that we may continually seek after and depend on him.

Disabilities: “Jesus loves me just as I am”

2012-03-15T19:08:31Z

In the previous few weeks I had the privilege of being interviewed on the topic of anxiety in church ministry by Dr. Grcevich over at his blog Church4EveryChild. He runs a ministry called Key Ministry which aims to help kids with hidden disabilities and their families, connect to a church community.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve encountered more and more stories (probably because my interview opened my eyes more to the topic) of families who have children with both hidden and non-hidden disabilities, struggling to get connected and feel a sense of belonging in a church and its community.

As I have been thinking more on this issue, I am very much reminded of the work of Henri Nouwen as he left places of power and influence (i.e. Notre Dame, Yale, Harvard, etc.) to spend the remainder of his life working at L’Arche with those who had disabilities. It was during Nouwen’s work there that I believe some of his most powerful books were written. But it was through the work of Jean Vanier that L’Arche was founded, and it his words that often remind me of the importance of weakness and disabilities in our own lives. Vanier writes:

There is a lack of synchronicity between our society and people with disabilities. A society that honours only the powerful, the clever, and the winners necessarily belittles the weak. It is as if to say: to be human is to be powerful.

Those who see the heart only as a place of weakness will be fearful of their own hearts. For them, the heart is a place of pain and anguish, of chaos and of transitory emotions. So they reject those who live essentially by their hearts, who cannot develop the same intellectual and rational capacities as others. (Becoming Human, p. 46)

As we find ourselves in the midst of Lent and heading towards Easter I love this story that Vanier tells.

The Eucharist teaches the lesson that “Jesus loves me just as I am,” said the founder of an organization that ministers to mentally handicapped people.

Jean Vanier, founder of L’Arche Community, spoke Monday to the 49th International Eucharistic Congress, under way through Sunday in Quebec.

Vanier told the story of a mentally handicapped boy from Paris on the day he received his First Communion: “After Mass, which was a family celebration, the boy’s uncle, who was his godfather, said to the child’s mother: ‘What a beautiful liturgy! How sad it is that he didn’t understand anything.’

“The child heard these words and, with tears in his eyes, said to his mother: ‘Don’t worry, Mommy, Jesus loves me just as I am.’”

Vanier affirmed: “This child had a wisdom that his uncle was yet to attain: the Eucharist is God’s gift par excellence.

“This child gives witness that a disabled person — sometimes deeply disabled — finds life, strength and consolation in and through Eucharistic communion. Is not this a call that the whole Church should hear?”

Are You a Self-Differentiated Leader? If Not, You Need to Become One

2012-03-15T19:09:39Z

Leadership is an important topic for me. I spent years in leadership in various ministry positions, and I continue to take on leadership roles within my newer vocation of marriage and family therapy. But leadership has become more and more of an important topic for me these last couple of years because I know I have not always led well.

Unfortunately, I probably made the mistake of many leaders by “imbibing on data and technique” rather than working on the central task that makes a leader…well, a great leader.

What is the central task that leaders need to be working on? Themselves. By working on themselves, resolving their personal and emotional issues, they then lead out of a more effective and differentiated place than leaders who do not.

I’ve written on the importance of self-differentiation on several occasions. I wrote about the difference between authenticity and differentiation. The role of family of origin work in pastoral leadership. That leaders are only as successful as their levels of differentiation.

Most recently, I wrote an article for Catalyst on Anxiety and Church Leadership.

I think Edwin Friedman’s work on differentiated leadership and his focus on the emotional process of leader (especially how they regulate anxiety) is what sets him apart from many other leadership theories. I also think it sets him above most leadership ideas because he gets to the heart of leadership which ultimately emanates from the leader. And the leader who is differentiated can more effectively lead. Friedman says this about differentiation and how it compares to collecting data and gathering more technique:

It was at this point that I began to realize that before any technique or data could be effective, leaders had to be willing to face their own selves. Otherwise the effect of technique was like trying to build up energy in a spring where the initial twists store up more potential and then suddenly, with one twist too many, the entire spring unwinds. If this sounds similar to the recover problems of alcoholics, there may be more to the association than we would care to admit….the chronic anxiety in American society has made the imbibing of data and technique addictive precisely because it enables leaders not to have to face their selves. (pp. 21)

I highly recommend reading Friedman’s works if you have not. I think it’s a must for all leaders. Check out A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, also check out Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue.

Both of these books will revolutionize how you think about leadership.

For now, take a look at this video which tries to sum up some of Friedman’s views on leadership in a simple way.

The 9 Letter Dirty Word in the Church

2012-03-15T19:10:23Z

Introvert.

Yes, if you don’t know that that has often been/and is a dirty word in the Evangelical and faith communities, then you are probably an extrovert. I didn’t realize it was a dirty word until I read Adam McHugh’s insightful and powerful book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture. After I finished Adam’s book almost two years ago I began to wonder if I was really an introvert, but always trying to fit in and act like an extrovert. I slowly began to own the introverted side of me and see it as a unique gift from God.

I would tell you that this was just my experience, but the countless people that sit across from me in therapy, work with in ministry, and hang out with in coffee shops tell me a different story. They paint a picture of struggling with their introversion because it has for so long been seen as an inadequacy in them. Maybe a minister told them they needed to get up front and share their testimony because “good Christians do that.” Or maybe a missions pastor pulled them aside to say that they needed to be more bold in their door to door evangelism. Or maybe a parent continually called them shy as if it was a bad word. These experiences and many others are real, and they are repeated day in and day out, leaving many introverts feeling like the asset that they have been given is somehow…not an asset at all in the Church, or in life.

I want to say to you, what I tell the introverts who come and see me in therapy.

Introversion is the unique way that God wired you, and it is a gift. You have insight and skills that others do not have. So I encourage you to come out of hiding and take full ownership of, and live into the introverted nature that God created in you from the beginning.

Today is the Day

2012-02-29T18:02:43Z

The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?.

I thought that writing the book was the long and tough part, and that when I handed my manuscript in…I was sort of done. Wrong. There is so much more work to do, and I’m excited about all the conversations that I’m already having around the book, and I’m looking forward to the ones that I haven’t even had yet.

There are more articles coming on this topic, interviews, etc. But for now, join us for the next week at Thrive80 for some posts by me and others on the topic of anxiety.

I hope that you can join in and contribute your voice to such an important topic as anxiety…especially as it relates to our Christian faith.

The Anxious Christian: There Is No Way to Properly Say Thank You to Everyone!

2012-02-28T07:19:42Z

When I originally sat down to write acknowledgements for my book The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?, I realized about 10 pages into the acknowledgements that that wasn’t going to work. The publisher was looking for 1-2 pages, but I was 10 pages in and only partly done thanking all the people who have contributed to this book.

This is the most important take away for me as I wrote and completed this book…and it is this:

When a book…and if a book…finally sees the light of day…it is only because its author had the privilege and blessing of having many amazing and encouraging people in their life along the way.

So friends…this book (which is a dream come true for me–I’ve wanted to write and publish a book since grade school) only comes to fruition because I’ve had the privilege of having all of you in my life. I’ve had so many amazing friends and acquaintances over the years that I can’t be more thankful to God than I am.

I wish I could write down each and everyone’s name in this email, but I can’t, because I will undoubtedly forget someone very special by accident. I have had the joy of living life in some amazing communities of people who have left an indelible mark on who I am, and what comes out in the book.

I’m just so thankful for all the earlier communities of people that I was able to live life among (Kachina Elementary School; Cactus High School; Faith Bible Church, etc.). As I wrote and retold many stories in my book, there were many vivid faces etched in my mind. I particularly remember a number of students who came to my house and left cards and flowers after the death of my mom from breast cancer when I was in the 5th grade. Those memories of your kind actions were positive fuel for my writing. Thank you.

I’m thankful for the early communities of people who really fostered my faith and helped me to grow. It was in these communities of caring and gracious people that I was really challenged to own my own faith (Grand Canyon University–both as a student and admissions counselor; Fuller Seminary Southwest). I owe a lot to the discipleship/chapel staff at Grand Canyon University, who in April of 1996 gave a stuttering student the opportunity to share his story and preach the Easter morning sunrise service. Your community is prevalent in my story as you will see in the book. And I’m thankful to the amazing extension campus of Fuller Southwest Seminary. It is there that I grew a stronger love of God and was really challenged to use and think through my faith in amazing ways. Thank you.

I’m thankful to the amazing host families and Spanish school (CSA) who welcomed me into their lives for a little over three months in the Spring/Summer of 2001. I consider this period of my life as one of the most transforming. And it was here that I began to fill up my journals with material that would eventually find its way into this book in various forms. Thank you.

I’m thankful to two major communities of people who I credit with really helping me become the person that I am today (Bel Air Presbyterian Church; Fuller Theological Seminary). It was at Fuller Seminary that I learned to love theology from people who held the highest academic standards coupled with a love of God and commitment to his Word. I loved Fuller so much I went back again for another degree. So I owe Fuller a double thank you in many ways. And it was at Bel Air that my theology was given the opportunity to be practiced and lived out among the lives of many, many amazing college students. I have to pause here and really thank the hundreds of college students whom I had the privilege of serving with from 2001-2008 as their college pastor at Bel Air. You (my students) shaped me in ways that you probably didn’t even know. And for the 7 different leadership teams who showed me grace when I often didn’t know what I was doing as a leader. Thank you. It was also at Bel Air Presbyterian Church that I met my wife in the amazing young adult community of The Foundry. I will never forget those Tuesday nights of worship at The Refinery and where I first talked to Heather. This community of people during this period of 2001-2008 pretty much provided me with the raw material that was shaped into book form. You will find in my book the unique role that Bel Air played in helping me to face my anxiety. Thank you.

I’m thankful to Highland Park Presbyterian Church in Dallas, TX, who for three years employed me in the youth department to teach parenting classes. This experience really helped me put together material that made its way into the book, but more importantly, provided the avenue to speak a couple of times a month to parents…which was an opportunity to face my anxiety a lot…and grow in the process. A special thanks to Lars Rood whose friendship began in 2001 at Bel Air Presbyterian Church when he sat on the committee that hired me as the college pastor, and who later hired me at Highland Park Presbyterian Church to teach the parenting classes. Hopefully we will work together again. Thank you.

I’m thankful to the Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX who has greatly shaped me as a therapist. I’ve learned more about my marriage as a therapist on staff there than almost any other place. The Hideaway Experience with a number of other colleagues both in TX and other states have contributed to me not only personally, but in my work as a therapist and writer. Thank you.

I want to thank my close friends and family. Many who are in Texas, and others who are scattered across the country. I’m thankful for my friends who have walked with me through all phases of my life (light and dark) and who have never abandoned me, but always journeyed with me and offered grace. I’m thankful to all the amazing writers out there who I have fostered friendships with over the last few years. Your phone calls, emails, helpful conversations, encouraging texts helped me persevere (John Dyer, Anne Jackson, Adam McHugh, Jon Acuff, Matthew Anderson, Lars Rood, Hugh Hewitt, etc, etc.) I owe you all big time. Thank you.

I’m thankful to my supportive family who has encouraged my dreams of writing all along the way. I was able to thank them in the opening and ending pages of my book as well as throughout. Thanks to my amazing wife…she has always supported my dreams and been my biggest encourager. Without her help and support, this book would not be possible. And thank you to my daughter Hayden and my son Hudson whose daily joy was the inspiration to keep on writing when I didn’t feel like I had it in me. Thank you.

Last…though it sounds cliche, it is not. The work of God in my life is weaved throughout this book. Without him in my life I never would have had the courage to face my anxiety. But with him, not only did he give me the courage to face it, he transformed it into something beautiful in my life. May God be glorified when people read my book. Thank you.

I hope that in the ensuing months I will be able to thank many of you who I did not specifically state in this post, but who were on my mind throughout. Hopefully you know who you are…I am thankful for you.

Can Depression Offer Us a Gift?

2012-02-06T15:20:36Z

In Thomas Moore’s book, Care of the Soul, he writes eloquently about the gift that depression may offer people. It’s an opportunity to embrace emotions that we often don’t deal with, leading us to a better understanding of ourselves and how we want to direct our life. Though he acknowledges that depression can become debilitating to many people, he still posits the idea that there is a side to it (even in the most extremes cases of debilitation) that can be a gift to us, and that as friends and family of someone who is depressed, we play a crucial role. Moore writes:

“When as counselors and friends, we are the observers of depression and are challenged to find a way to deal with it in others, we could abandon the monotheistic notion that life always has to be cheerful, and be instructed by melancholy. We could learn from its qualities and follow its lead, become more patient in its presence, lowering our excited expectations, taking a watchful attitude as this soul deals with its fate in utter seriousness and heaviness. In our friendship, we could offer it a place of acceptance and containment.”

Depression is a very important topic that is often not talked about, especially when it strikes men. But in in our silence on the matter many men are not able to find the help they need. My hope is that the posts I have written the last couple of weeks on this topic have at least peeled back some of the veil of silence and helped you to begin to think more on this issue…especially if you have a loved one in your life who is suffering from it.

Check out my last three articles on the topic:

The Angry…I Mean, Depressed Male: Do You Know Him?

Communication: What ‘To Say’ And ‘Not To’ Say To A Depressed Man

Pressed to the Ground: A Theological Re-Frame of Depression

And though there are many books on this subject, here are three that I have found to be helpful and insightful.

Unmasking Male Depression: Recognizing the Root Cause to Many Problem Behaviors Such as Anger, Resentment, Abusiveness, Silence, Addictions, and Sexual Compulsiveness by Archibald Hart

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real

Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer