Rhett Smith

Note to Fathers: Move Beyond the “Nuclear Option” Style of Parenting

2009-11-09T19:22:42Z

If you have heard it once, you have heard it a million times–it’s the phrase that every kid has heard–so much so that it eventually reverberates in their ears like that of noisy cymbals or a loud gong…if they even hear it at all.

It goes something like this:

“I’m your father…that’s why!”

or

“I’m the boss of this household and you must do what I say!”

Pick any variation of it cause I know you have either heard it before, or have said it yourself (and when you find yourself uttering the phrase yourself, it’s then that you know you have jumped the shark in your parenting style).

Why Point Out Fathers
This is a statement that all parents will eventually utter at some point in parenting, usually coming at the point of exhaustion, and with the helpless feeling that there are no other choices. Hence I like to call it the nuclear option of parenting. It’s the proverbial line drawn in the sand…and, if this doesn’t work, well then we are left there shaking our heads, or waiting for things to escalate.

Moms and dads both say such phrases, but I find that father’s most often resort to this methodology of parenting. I have noticed in my 15 years in youth ministry and in my recent years as a therapist that fathers tend to stick to this one way of parenting more than moms, while mothers tend to be more resourceful, often reading books on parenting, attending conferences and getting support in parenting groups. With these resources, moms find less of a need to resort to the “I’m your parent, that’s why” card, but instead have a plethora of creative parenting options at hand that dads often tend to lack.

Now, I know I’m stereotyping here, and I know plenty of dads who don’t only resort to this, but in my experience it is definitely more common. When your child was in the womb it was more than likely that it was your wife who was reading all the books and researching things on food, immunizations, toys and cribs, while you thought she was lucky to have you attend a birthing class or two. If it wasn’t for mothers, our babies would be born into this world and fathers would drag the babies back to a cave to eat the leftover meat of the mastadon that they clubbed the night before. And this doesn’t end there at womb and birth, but tends to be a habit dads carry on into their kids later years.

More moms come into my office with books in hands, having tried all kinds of things to reach their kids. Where dads often give me the look, “Your lucky I was even willing to come into your office.” Not all dads. Some dads though for sure. And nothing creates more marital strain than when father’s are unwilling to think more creatively about parenting. What often begins as kids coming to see me in therapy ends with couple’s counseling because wives have felt like their husbands were not as engaged in the rearing of the children or only exasperated the kids with the “I’m your father…that’s why!”

Why It Isn’t Enough
Dads…hear me out. I’m not saying that kids should not listen to you because you are their father. But we have to evolve and grow in our parenting style, otherwise, that same methodology of, “I’m your dad, so do what I say”, doesn’t translate too well to the college freshmen who is having to decide if she should get wasted at the party tonight. Why? Cause you aren’t there at the party to tell her what to do anymore, and she needs more than “I’m your dad, so do what I say.”

That kid needs to know that you have been listening to them over the years (and nothing shuts a kid down faster, and tells them you aren’t listening than that phrase). You need to have had instilled in them reasons for why they should or shouldn’t do certain things. Dad, you need to have reached deeper into your creative parenting bag so that when your kids are out on their own you have instilled in them a sense of interior wisdom that comes from more than your authoritarian leadership.

It’s interesting that in the Bible there are really few instructions to a father on how to parent, and well the two that are given–well, let’s just say that they aren’t that flattering. Interesting how father’s are instructed in this manner and not mothers.

The Apostle Paul says twice, in Ephesians and Colossians, the following:

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Fathers, if we aren’t careful, we possess the ability to embitter and discourage our kids like no one else–and nothing does this quicker in my opinion than the nuclear option we talked about above. I’m not surprised that as fathers we are warned about this twice by Paul in the New Testament.

And if you don’t believe me, I wish you could sit down with the hundreds and hundreds of college kids that I have pastored over the last 10 years who quickly rebelled when out of the home for the first time since they no longer had to do what dad said just because he was dad.

Other Options
So if you are a dad and you are reading this, what can you do? Let me just offer some suggestions:

How about reading some books on parenting. Seems simple enough, yet dads rarely do, often leaving it to the mom or thinking they already know all they need to know.
How about attending a parenting seminar or conference with your wife, or just on your own. Perhaps one geared towards fathers.
How about joining a support group of dads who are struggling with the same things. They are out there, but just harder to find than mom’s groups.
How about working hard to catch yourself the next time you want to utter the phrase, “You must do what I say cause I’m your father.” And instead, pause, really listen, and ask yourself, “What is behind my kids behavior?” Or “What can I say here that would really reach my kid?”
How about going to your kid if you have been a dad who has embittered or discouraged them like the Apostle Paul talks about and ask for forgiveness.
How about going to your wife and thanking her for all her hard work as a mother and for doing all the things that often go overlooked (reading the books, taking care of the little basic needs dads don’t often think about).
How about thinking back on your own childhood and how you felt when your dad said the same thing? And if he didn’t, or when he didn’t–what did he say that really spoke to you–caused you to listen and obey?
How about going to a father you really respect and seems to do it right, and ask for some advice.
How about going to your kids (especially if they are older, i.e. adolescents) and get their input on how they might receive what you have to say better. Trust me, kids can come up with some great ideas here that are win-win for them and dads.
How about retiring the phrase, or anything like it, “I’m your dad, so do what I say” and see what else you can come up with that doesn’t discourage, embitter, or close off listening.

If you are a father, do you have any examples of how using the “nuclear option” hasn’t gone well, and what you started doing instead?

Do you have any suggestions you would add to the list?

Moms, have there been any ways that you have encouraged your husbands as they work on becoming better at communicating with the kids?

The Journey Continues…A Stage Along the Way

2009-11-05T19:02:18Z

[image by Maria Keay]

For those who choose to take the journey, it is lifelong. The longer the journey, the more nuances it takes on and the more it opens up to broader experiences. Yet, a journey must progress step by step. So it is with our spiritual journey. (pp. xvii, The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich).

I have been meditating on Exodus 17:1 for a good eight years now. The idea of journeying from “place to place” or from “stage to stage” as some translations state has always captivated me.

In fact….it brings me a sense of peace and comfort knowing that I am not expected to journey from A to Z (a one chance shot to move from beginning to end, or to have life figured all out), but rather God moves me from place to place as desired. Where I am now is not my final stage in the journey, but rather one step along a path that will continue to guide me throughout my lifetime. Sometimes the stage may require a lengthy stay, and at other times it may be a quick stop. But each stage is designed to equip and prepare me for whatever step lays next. Whether I move forward, backward or lateral…that does not matter. What matters is that stages are just steps along the way in our larger journey. Or in our larger story as Donald Miller would say.

Why all this talk about stages and journey?

Because after seven months in one stage, I am moving on to the next, and I thought I might share what I have learned, and hopefully you may glean some nuggets for your own journey.

In March of 2008 I decided to leave PCEC so that I could move into my own private practice. And now after seven months in my private practice I am moving on again. This time to HopeWorks in Plano, TX. There are several reasons for this, but one thing my wife and I decided early on was that whether or not I stayed in private practice, it was that risk/step to private practice that moved us out of situation we felt stuck in, and into a new breadth of opportunities, as well as new opportunities for discernment.

Why Am I Moving On?

I have learned that I enjoy working more in a collaborative group environment. Being my own boss was great, but it was also lonely at times. Being in a group setting allows me to still be my own boss, but in a supportive environment.

Part of the journey has been learning what I am good at, and what I am not so good at. As well as learning what skills I want to strengthen, and which skills aren’t as strong, nor should be spent inordinate amount of time working on. What I learned was that though I can do all my own administration (I am pretty organized), I didn’t thrive on doing Quickbooks, scheduling, bills, etc. In fact, it zapped my energy for much needed areas that I should be devoting my time to (i.e. therapy itself, study, marketing, etc.). Now I’m in a setting where people who are gifted with billing, scheduling, payments, etc. will take care of all that for me, and I can focus on what I think I do best. Working with people in a therapeutic setting, as well as providing education for churches, speaking and writing.

I’ve learned that to become the best therapist I need to become it will require that I give all my energy to that. (A minimum of 10,000 hours according to Malcolm Gladwell in Outliers). This new setting allows me to do that, while still allowing me to do the other things I love as I mentioned above (speaking, teaching, writing).

This situation I think allows me to set better boundaries and take better care of my family. I’m no longer thinking about all the bills and paperwork when I go home at night, because someone does that for me. I found that because of that I’m more attentive to my wife and daughter. And shouldn’t I be practicing that if I’m going to be telling couples and families they need to be doing the same thing?

I really do get the best of both worlds: I’m still my own boss, set my own schedule, building what is essentially my own practice/clientele, but in a group setting under the auspice of HopeWorks. I love it.

I am already seeing new clients at HopeWorks, but will also continue to see current clients in my private practice until the end of January. I would appreciate your prayers…as well as any referrals to me, or any opportunities you may have for me to speak, teach, or write.

So I feel very blessed and content believing that this is what stage God has me in along my journey. And even though at times I feel like I should be farther along, or because at times I feel like a failure because I moved on to a new place in seven months…I’m at peace knowing that life is full of nuances, and to fully live life we must be prepared to move where God leads us…even if it’s not what we had expected. My father and I were discussing a while back that the longer we live life, the more we realize that God provides us with opportunities in areas that we have never expected or envisioned if it were left up to our own making.

So a key to our journey…to writing our story well, is to be open for God to lead you in those unexpected ways.

Can you share an example of the stage you feel God has you in now and how you got there?

Has God ever brought you to a stage totally unexpected from what you had planned?

Recap of our Cultivate Session

2009-11-03T20:48:10Z

Tony Steward and I had the opportunity to collaborate last week at the Cultivate Conference on the following topic:

Title
Finding Our End // Communicating in the social web brings relationships with it. How do we care for those relationships in our limitations while continuing to effectively communicate?

Description
As we work online, where do our social/pastoral responsibilities begin
and end, while caring for ourselves and our families?

This session was Tony and I’s “attempt” to formulate some of the things we have been learning online, some of which have occurred during our online work together at LifeChurch.tv.

Tony and I did the session a couple of times and each session was completely different in terms of the questions we fielded, and even in how we responded to certain topics.

But I walked away with a couple of thoughts:

People seem to really be struggling with boundaries online. Both in their use of online technology (time parameters–always available, etc.), and in the selection of tools they use that might help them better manage boundaries. Tony did a good job on talking about some of the tools and techniques he uses to set better boundaries online such as batching email, Twitter practices, etc. I spent more time addressing the need for people to set some real boundaries around their online use (i.e. unplugging; not always being available, etc.)

One of the things that Tony said at the end of the second section has really stuck out to me, and I know was really grasped by some of the attendees. In essence Tony said that too much idle time is spent online, and that leaders shouldn’t be wasting their time online in idleness, but need to be leading. Tony said it better than I, but that was the essence. If not, Tony will jump in here and set me straight.

One of the things that I pondered a lot was what I told the groups a couple of times that day. “If you are always available, then your time isn’t worth that much.” If people can always access us, then what do we really have to offer people.

If you were at the session I would be curious to hear your feedback. Or you can respond to some of the thoughts I have posted. All in all, Cultivate was a great experience, and though we were leading two sessions, I really felt like Tony and I were in the thick of it, learning as we go as well–because aren’t we all trying to figure out what boundaries look like online, and how we go about establishing them, as well as understanding our pastoral/social responsibility in the midst.

So You Have a Lot of “Friends” Online…Now What?

2009-10-23T21:41:42Z

Tony Steward and I are super excited to be facilitating a conversation at the Cultivate Conference this upcoming Tuesday in Chicago.

Ever since we were asked to facilitate jointly at the conference we have been discussing what would be the most beneficial conversation we could be a part of. What experience and skills could we both bring to the table?

In the end, this is what we have landed on…

Title
Finding Our End // Communicating in the social web brings relationships with it. How do we care for those relationships in our limitations while continuing to effectively communicate?

Description
As we work online, where do our social/pastoral responsibilities begin
and end, while caring for ourselves and our families?

Tony is obviously an important voice in this area as he brings his expertise from his role as the online campus pastor for LifeChurch.tv. And I hope to bring my experience as a pastor and therapist to the discussion, and how actually some of the online volunteer work I have done for LifeChurch.tv has generated new ways of thinking about our roles and responsibilities online.

We hope to see you there…

Destigmatizing Mental Illness

2009-10-21T19:17:05Z

I came across Bring Change 2 Mind via DJ Chuang’s twitter stream.

On Bring Change 2 Mind’s website it states the following:

1 in 6 adults and almost 1 in 10 children suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Yet, for many, the stigma associated with the illness, can be as great a challenge as the disease itself. This is where the misconceptions stop. This is where bias comes to an end. This is where we change lives. Because this is where we Bring Change 2 Mind.

I love the push to help bring awareness to mental illness, hopefully providing support, resources and relief for many who suffer alone.

Check out the video below:

Are You Truly Listening to Your Spouse

2009-10-20T15:42:59Z

[image by ky_olsen]

One of the things that was sort of a wake up call for me when I got married were the number of times that I thought I was really listening to my wife, but she would retort with “you aren’t listening to me.”

Inside, my pride was telling me that she didn’t know what she was talking about. I mean, come on. I was a pastor and listened to people for a living (pastors can sometimes been notoriously bad listeners). And I was training to become a therapist…who listens more than a therapist? And after all, were all those people wrong who would tell me I was a great listener? That’s what I was thinking inside my head. And of course those thoughts stayed inside my head, as should many thoughts that came racing across my brain during arguments with my wife.

But as time goes on I am beginning to see that what we often see as listening is not really listening at all. We assume because we hear, that therefore we have truly listened. But hearing and listening are not the same thing as most of you can attest to.

The longer I’m married, the more people I counsel, and the more material I read, I am convicted that we are a society that is not very good at listening to one another. In fact, we rarely take time to listen to ourselves, instead choosing to fill up the space with noise to keep us from having to truly reflect on what is going on inside of us. This inability to listen to ourselves doesn’t stop with us, but carries over into our most important relationships.

Nothing feels as great as when you feel like someone has truly listened. And in all honesty I’m not always very good at it. Some days are better than others, while some days are horrific. The worst thing about it is that those we most love often get shortchanged because we think they will understand, therefore we take them for granted. I get paid to do therapy and to do ministry, therefore I work really hard to listen to those people who come my way.

But often when I go home I equate that to being off the clock, not working. Failing to realize that the most important job I will ever have takes place at home. It takes place in the interactions with my daughter and my wife.

So why do I get lazy at home when it comes to listening? Why do I not work as hard to listen to those who are the most important to me?

Maybe this is just me, and you don’t have this struggle. But if you do, I would love to hear from you.

Here are a few things that I have been trying and want to get better at when it comes to listening to my wife:

Stop everything I’m doing when we are talking (close computer; turn off TV; put down magazine; turn off cell phone, etc.)
Mentally prepare myself to hear, rather than prepare to respond. You can’t listen if you are busy formulating a response.
Don’t try and fix anything….unless….and I mean, UNLESS you are asked for a solution. Even then, proceed with caution.
Picking up on #3; most listening is never about solving anything…it’s just about listening…being present in conversation.

These are some things that I have tried, and will continue to work on….my whole life.

What do you do to be a better listener to your spouse?

Reminder to Parents: Presence=LOVE

2009-10-20T15:41:52Z

[image by Schantzilla]

One of the things that I vividly remember from growing up was my father’s voice calling out encouragement from the sidelines of my athletic events. It didn’t matter if I was a good or bad player, or whether or not I even got in the game. My dad’s presence on the sidelines or in the stands was always there. The more I reflect on that, the more amazing it is to me, especially since my mom died when I was 11 years old and my dad was essentially left alone to raise my younger brother and I.

I probably didn’t realize it then, but I have come to see it more clearly now, especially since I’m a parent. And what I realized was that for my dad to be present at my brother and I’s events (be it school plays, sporting events, etc.), a sacrifice of time was required. There was juggling of work schedules and many other things that went into him being there.

Ultimately, the message that was being sent to my brother and I was that time with us was more important than making extra money to buy things we didn’t need; that time with us was more important than sitting in front of the television.

I don’t know how many parents get this, but I wish more did.

I have worked with thousands of kids over the last 15 years in various settings. From camp counselor, to youth pastor, to therapist. And they all wish the same thing (sometimes spoken out loud; sometimes only discerned by the look in their face).

And that is….Parent’s time with their kids translates into love. Kids know that they are loved and cared for when their parents are present.

I have never had a kid tell me, “I wish my mom had worked more so I could have had more toys.” NEVER!

I have never had a kid tell me, “I wish my dad was at home less, so he could climb the corporate ladder harder to gain more prestige.” NEVER!

I have never had a kid tell me, “I wish my parents would watch more TV at night to stay culturally informed.” NEVER!

But I have had 100’s of kids tell me with pain in their faces and expressions that their parents never came to any of their events. Some parents are too busy they tell me, though they know if it weren’t important to their parents, then they would have made the effort. Others tell me that their parents just don’t seem to make the effort or care.

Parents, I’m not saying that you can’t miss an event here and there, or that provision for your family is not important. But at the end of the day we all have to ask if we are spending time with our kids. Do they know they are loved? Are there things that we could cut out of our lives that would allow us more time together as a family?

This is just a common theme I see in the kids I work with, and I wish it weren’t so prevalent.

Self-Care Is Not Just About Doing, But About Being–And Some Books for the Journey

2009-10-13T23:01:13Z

[image by Tamara Areshian]

In my last post, When You Refuse To Take Care Of Yourself, You Are Refusing To Take Care Of Those Around You, I just briefly reflected on some comments by Rob Bell at the Catalyst Conference 2009 and how I felt they played into self-care.

Self-care is a large topic. For example, what does it mean? I know there are lots of different definitions, but I tend to think of it in terms of how one cares for themselves physically, spiritually, emotionally (psychologically). Anne Jackson adds a fourth one talking about relational health. These things involve some basic things that are sometimes difficult to integrate into our daily lives. Things like getting enough good sleep. Eating well. Setting personal boundaries. Exercising. Spiritual devotion and exercises. Etc.

A couple of observations.

Self-care just isn’t about doing the right things–it’s really a way of thinking that is connected to our identity and who we are as people. So it doesn’t matter too much if you do all the right exercises, but deep down inside you have a distorted view of who you are. Going through the motions is not the same thing as caring for one’s self.

You might say that self-care is as much about being as doing.

Also, the amount of literature on this topic is glaringly absent in many Protestant, Evangelical circles. Please tell me I’m wrong and point me towards it, and then I will stand corrected. I’m not saying there isn’t any period–I’m just saying that Protestant, especially Evangelical theology tends to leave out the topic of self-care. It’s often the Catholic literature that one must turn towards to find any help on this issue. And many have as I have.

Again, we tend to want to go do something…to fix something. That is the wrong view to take on self-care. Ultimately there are some things that we do do…but it’s as much about who we are and about being, rather than doing. That’s a difficult concept for many people who equate doing and busyness with godliness, spirituality, success in ministry, etc.

So what I want to do is recommend some books that I think do a good job of blending two things together: 1) Getting at the root of self-care, and issues around identity, and how they play out in our behavior. So don’t go in expecting just to find a to do list. These are books that get at the roof of the matter, and often that will take you to an uncomfortable, but necessary place. 2) Providing some practical steps for self-care and things that you can practice and hopefully integrate into your daily life.

There are lots and lots of books that I can recommend, but let me start with some basic, very accessible books that I think are MUST READS. Yes, I did say MUST READS. But then again–I’m biased. So I will start with a list of 11 (10 books and a novel series) for you. Every one of them is great and has deeply influenced my life in some profound ways around the issues of how one’s identity and being shapes their view of self-care.

In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen.
The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen.
The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom by Henri Nouwen.
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer.
A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life by Parker Palmer.
Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic by Anne Jackson.
Leading on Empty: Refilling Your Tank and Renewing Your Passion by Wayne Cordeiro.
Purity of Heart Is To Will One Thing by Soren Kierkegaard.
The New Man by Thomas Merton.
The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich
The Starbridge Series by Susan Howatch (6 novels in that series–this series gives you a close up look of those involved in ministry and what happens when issues around self-care, identity, boundaries, etc. are ignored–fascinating reading).

So please add to my list and tell me what books have helped you out in this area of self-care.

When You Refuse To Take Care of Yourself, You Are Refusing To Take Care of Those Around You

2009-10-09T03:10:33Z

This caught my eye:

Is there any way you’ve neglected to take care of yourself because of the allusion that you have to keep going all the time.

You need to be fulfilled with energy and vitality so you can love what you do more than you did before.

Have you been observing a Sabbath?

Which day of the week can we NOT get a hold of you because your cell phone is turned off?

Which day of the week do you not respond to emails?

Which day of the week are your busy doing NOTHING?

Which day of the week are you feeding your own soul so you can then turn and feed others.

Until we take care of ourselves, we can’t properly care for others.

Oftentimes our drive to work and to produce is driven by an unhealthy motive.

REPENT. Change your thinking.

Start with yourselves.

Does your spouse get your very best or does your spouse get what’s left over after you’ve given your best to your church, to what you are building?

(A Sampling of Tim Schraeder’s notes from Rob Bell’s talk at Catalyst)

And then again the same thing here:

Is there any way in your ministry, that you have neglected to take care of yourself? You need to love your neighbor as yourself. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be energized. Which day do you take care of yourself, so that you can give during the other six days of the week?

Does your spouse get your very best, or does your spouse get what is left over from the church? Do your kids get your very best, or do they get the scraps? Our children pick up on what really matters to us without us saying a word.

If it is not going well at home, it will not go well at church. Jesus invites us into a peaceful, calm place in the center of his love. (A Sampling of Kent Shaffer’s Notes from Rob Bell’s Talk at Catalyst

Why it caught my eye–The themes:
1. The inability for self-care
2. And how your inability for self-care affects your family

The reality:
You must learn how to take care of your self (aka self-care). You must learn how to say no to certain things. Even what seems like good things. You must create margins of space in your life where you can breathe and be FULLY present to others.

Because if you don’t….

It’s not just you that suffers, but it will be your family that suffers as well. Spouse, children, relatives. It will be your ministry, or church or organization that suffers as well.

Let’s start with IDENTITY:
Rob Bell is right when he stated: “Oftentimes our drive to work and to produce is driven by an unhealthy motive.” So have you taken the time to stop and reflect on your life…what motivates you to do the things that you do…both healthy and unhealthy? Have you created space in your life to do that? I believe that we do the things we do out based out of a core understanding/misunderstanding of who we are…our identity. And when our identity is misplaced, then we can spin our wheels trying to do more and more to please others or to try to prove our worth. Maybe a parent wasn’t present in our lives growing up so we spend the rest of our lives trying to prove that we are worthy…that we are lovable. Maybe we have failed in some areas of our life, made some mistakes, so we think if we just try harder, and push more, then we will be successful…people will like us.

Who knows what it is for you in your life? I don’t know where you have placed your identity, or where you get your worth from. But we must look at these things, because if we aren’t careful, they can then be the root of our inability to take care of ourselves. And when we can’t, or refuse to take care of ourselves, then we can’t take care of those that God has placed in our lives.

And the really frustrating thing is that I often do such a bad job of self-care…

So what are we to do?

Check out the next few posts as we explore some practical steps towards self-care.

Founder of NetSuccess Lori Barber: On Her Company, Social Media and Her Battle With Cancer

2009-10-08T05:49:54Z

Back in August I sent out a tweet about cancer in our family and how my wife and I created a team (The Shade Runners) for the Susan G. Komen, Race for the Cure. And later that day I received an @ reply on Twitter from Lori Barber that said the following:

@rhetter I should join…..I’m a survivor!

I had already been following the work of Lori Barber and her company NetSuccess, but it was that tweet that bridged the connection and allowed me the privilege this last week to sit down with her and ask her some questions about her work, social media and her battle with cancer. Lori is the founder of NetSuccess and was recently just featured in a great article in the Dallas Business Journal, “Weathering the Storms.”

Check out the interview below:

How long have you lived in Dallas?

Since ‘93…I grew up in Missouri. I lived there until I met the man who later became my husband. So my move was inspired from a guy. And then I started NetSuccess in 1995.

If someone where to ask you what NetSuccess does, how would you respond?

We are an interactive agency. We specialize in helping our clients use internet technologies. So anything that is done online and that is interactive…that kind of falls within our specialty. Design a website, developing a website…to make sure it has the right technology that is scalable, that will accomplish the goal…marketing, and that’s the whole science of how we drive traffic to the site. That could be social media, it could be pay per click advertising, it could be search engine optimization, it could be mobile application. And then maintenance. Maintaining a site over many, many years.

Do you have an ideal client you like working with?

Yeah, we kind of exist in the middle sector of the marketplace. We are a great agency for mid-size business. We aren’t the guy in the garage. But we are also not the behemoth layer upon layer upon layer interactive agency. We can service anyone with a mid-range website application. We probably aren’t going to launch the next Amazon.com, but we also aren’t going to do a kind of one-off.

What’s your favorite aspect of your job?

I think it’s serving my clients and really helping them. The web touches so many aspects of their business, and if you can get the website right, and really use the technology, it can literally change the course of a business. I mean if you can leverage…if you can use the right technology, and implement a design that will speak to a target audience, that can drive the right kind of traffic to a site, and then convert that traffic. That process, doing it correctly, can change the fate of a business and their lives.

How many clients do you currently work with?

We normally have about 15-20 projects in development at any given time. Clients who have done business with us in the last 18 months…that’s probably a few hundred.

Since I met you on Twitter, what’s your favorite thing about Twitter?

That particular tool is a great way to either actively deliver content to your target audience or passively participate in delivering content. Actively would be saying here is information I want you to hear and pushing it out whether it’s a TwitPic, whether a press release, whether a link to something else…a random statement. Whatever the message is you want to get out to that target audience.

How do you use it personally?

Personally I use it to stay in touch with the industry. I specifically built my following. And followed people that my clients need to deliver content to. Industry peers like yourself. In keeping in touch with clients, potential clients, and my client’s clients. That’s how I use it if I want to deliver content for NetSuccess or my clients..either actively or passively.

How do you set boundaries between online and your own personal life?

That’s a really good question…technology has advanced to the point that technology operates faster than the human body. That’s why I think we have a stressed out, sort of emotionally and psychologically dysfunctional society because technology goes so quickly the human body can’t keep up with it. So I try successfully sometimes, and sometimes horribly unsuccessfully. I try to make the technology work for me. And for me social media is a lifestyle, and my company is a lifestyle. For me, it’s my life. It is incorporated in every aspect. I don’t shut my phone off. But, I see what’s going on, and that’s constantly on my radar screen which gives me freedom to be doing other things so that I can have this stuff going on. Totally unplugging, I don’t really ever totally unplug…because I want to. It would be like unplugging from my life. For me it’s a lifestyle, being an entrepreneur is a lifestyle. And being able to serve my clients is a lifestyle. It is very fun and rewarding to grow something that is meaningful and valuable.

When I met you online it was because I had tweeted about my family and cancer, and you responded with a tweet saying you were a survivor. When were you first diagnosed?

June of 2008. I had two kinds of cancer. In February I was diagnosed with melanoma because of a small spot on my abdomen. It was in the first stage, completely curable…they removed it…clear margins. Done. But having melanoma puts you at risk for every other kind of cancer. So that’s when my doctor suggested a mammogram a year earlier than she originally suggested. On the mammogram they detected a spot about the size of 6 grains of sand…very, very small. And then of course the biopsy indicated it was cancer. This particular kind of cancer also has a high likelihood of spreading to ovarian cancer. So I elected to have a hysterectomy at the same time. So in June I am diagnosed. In July I’m having the lumpectomy and hysterectomy at the same time. And then after that…radiation. But thankfully it was such an early form of cancer that I didn’t have to go through chemotherapy. So that was a blessing.

When did you start your radiation?

Six weeks after surgery.

How long did you go through radiation?

Twelve weeks everyday.

Did you take a leave from work?

No. I would come to work exhausted. I would work. I would go to a treatment. Come back to work and work as long as I could. I couldn’t think and I was just very, very tired.

During that time what/who was your biggest support?

My family isn’t here. So good friend. God.

How did you stay positive the whole time?

You just do.

Have you been hesitant to share your story?

My fear was, I didn’t want to be a weak leader. And when your leader’s sick, I didn’t want them to be afraid, and I couldn’t afford to have them focused on my sickness instead of the work we had to do. So I really wanted to keep them focused on the clients and focused on the work. I just felt like it was better for my clients not to be afraid. It’s a small company and a lot of my participation is required. I knew I would be okay. I knew it would be a long journey. I knew the kind of cancer I had was curable. It has a 99% cure rate. I knew I was going to be okay, and that I could put it behind me. I just had to get from point A to B. What I didn’t want to happen was my employees to become afraid and leave, or my clients. Work, good friends and my faith kept me going through this time.

What was your overall feelings/emotions during this time?

I think I was in denial. I don’t think I just stopped long enough. I’m stubborn….I just had to plow through it. I think I was sort of detached from the problem. I knew it was stage 1 and the kind of cancer I had was treatable.

Was there a point when you realized, wow, I have been through a lot?

Yes…about 90 days ago. I literally kept this agency…I mean when the economy tanked, my clients literally stopped spending money…literally. So I had to reduce the staff. I had to make adjustments to respond to the economy. And I was just coming off cancer. And once I got all that behind me. And the business was back on solid ground and we were doing the numbers we were used to doing. We got some new accounts. I had just healed from my divorce. I just look up one day and realize that life is normal again.

Is there anything you do to help cancer prevention?

I’ve always been very healthy. I’ve always worked out. I have amazing eating habits. I continue to get mammograms and wear sunscreen.

What has been the best thing about sharing your story in this article? (i.e. Dallas Business Journal)

Just to provide encouragement. Sometimes there is the perception that if you get cancer it’s a death sentence. And a lot of times it’s not a death sentence. A lot of times it’s something you need to go through. The blessing and silver lining of cancer for me was to show, and to really help me keep things in perspective. Your health is important and is taken for granted so often. But it really put my life in perspective. So sharing my story, I hope the message is, is that cancer isn’t always a death sentence. I’m so thankful that we live in a country with health resources.

It was a real pleasure to be able to sit down and talk with Lori about a variety of topics. She, her team, and their company NetSuccess are doing an amazing job in the area of web design, development, SEO and brand marketing. If you are looking for someone with their expertise, I hope you take the opportunity to connect with them.

You can check them out here.

And you can follow Lori on Twitter here.