Review Spew

Settlers of Catan Board Game Quick Hits Review

2012-02-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

Settlers is the perfect game for people who don't have the time for risk or monopoly but still want to feel like they are better than everyone else. And what does it take to be the better man? Ore, plenty of ore. Also, don't play this game late at night because you will get tired of guys asking if you have "wood" repeatedly. It was funny for 13 or 14 games, but after I while I finally stopped saying that. But really, it's a solid game that will keep your mind going. The only downside is that at least 3 people are needed to play and it can play no more than 4 unless add on packs are bought. 4 Stars, and do you have any wheat?

My family owned Yahtzee for 3 whole days before losing 1 of the dice. That’s a game with literally 5 pieces. Settlers of Catan has about 345 pieces. No thanks. 0 Stars.

In the inevitable upcoming zombie apocalypse, you won't be able to play Civilization on your PC. Why not do it with cards and dice and a couple of close friends? To be honest, this is one the most enjoyable board games, and the replayability is high. If you're really good, contact me at neverbeenlaid@gmail.com, and you can join my guild. 4 stars.

This is a lot like Warcraft 3 crossed with Burger Time. Great combination if you ask me. 4 stars.

Quick Hits average star rating of 3!

The McRib in a Post - 9/11 World Review

2012-02-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

It’s that time again. Yes-sir boys and girls the McRib is back. I absolutely love this thing and have since day one. It’s the perfect combination of pickle, onion, BBQ sauce, bun and semi-solid gelatinous molded pork product. In short, exactly what every growing boy needs in his gullet precisely as God intended. And I’m not being sarcastic! It just tastes good, and isn’t that one of the main considerations that goes into deciding what you want to eat? Well it is for me anyway.

There is no clean way to eat one of these so you have no choice but to accept the mess. I will not eat these at McDonalds, nor will I eat it in front of others. It really is just too messy. This is okay though because being alone in my car eating a McRib, I’m allowed to let my inner-piggy out to play for a while. My belief is that if you’re going to have BBQ sauce on your face from ear-to-ear and the tip of your nose, and your chin and your lap, while the hell are you bothering with closing your mouth when you chew? I love it. Stuff just flies everywhere. It’s very liberating.

My son once asked me why the McRib is only around for a limited time. I told him that with your average cow you can make thousands of hamburgers but it only has one asshole and there’s only so many McRibs you can make from that. But all joking aside, this is a really good sandwich. Personally I’m glad it’s only for a limited time. It gives me time to look forward to the next time it will be available and besides, I’d weigh thrice as much if it was a regular menu item. At 450 Calories, 75mg cholesterol, 24g of fat (8g of saturated fat) and 890mg of sodium … times two (because who can get away with only eating 1 in a single sitting) … that is some seriously unhealthy food there, and I don’t think my body could take it.

It may be unhealthy but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the McRib. Nothing. If you’re worried about your health, then eat it in moderation. If you are not worried about your health, then have 2 for lunch, 2 for dinner and 1 for an evening snack every single day until it’s time is up in your area. Why? Well because it’s just fantastic. I declare the McRib a Certified ReviewSpew All-Star.

Now what does all this have to do with 9/11? Well I’ll tell you. Over ten years later since that tragic day and we can still freely walk into a McDonalds and order a McRib. We can still be gluttons, we can still destroy our own bodies as we see fit, we can still throw caution to the wind. You stop buying McRibs for any reason and the terrorists win and I say NO! Don’t let them do it. My country, my body, my McRib! There is no greater exercise of our God-given freedoms than spending your hard earned money on a disgustingly delicious sandwich that is only going to shorten your life-span. Nobody can force me not too. I daresay it’s our duty to do so! God bless the McRib. God bless America!!!!!!!

Neutrogena Oil-Free Pink Grapefruit Foaming Scrub Review

2012-02-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Black-heads, white-heads, deep double-knuckle zits in your chin. I remember the days of getting zits and acne like it was just last week---because it WAS just last week. This is ridiculous. I'm a 36 year old man who still gets zits.

I was a skinny, short High School senior with a big nose. But my body decided it didn't think enough physical hurdles were put into place to guarantee the lack of a dating life, so it started generating oil from my face in quantities that could only be matched from a can of Pam. The resultant side effect was a lot of zits....a cornucopia of zits.
Luckily, puberty and acne doesn't last forever...right?! Wrong! I can still generate bright red shiners on my forehead, and my sizable nose is an infestation for black-heads.

I don't generate the amount of facial oil like I did in my teen years, but I could still grease a cookie sheet or two. (I doubt you're still reading after that one) I hoped my fortunes would change when I ran across an offering from Neutrogena called their oil-free Pink Grapefruit foaming scrub.

I appreciate that Neutrogena markets their facial cleansers as "oil-free." That's all I need it more oil on my face. Do they think that we will rub pepperoni pizza on our face? (which sounds strikingly delicious and abhorrent at the same time)
The product feels like gel hand soap with tiny micro-bubbles in it. It foams up decently, and has a very pleasant smell. There isn't a "my face is burning" feeling while you are using it, so it's probably not made in China.
One of the reasons I purchased this product, is that it has Salicylic acid. This acid was supposed to obliterate the black-heads that haunt my complexion.

Points of mention for this facial scrub:

-- It dries out your face....immensely!! The first morning I used it, I went to work feeling like I'd drank out of the wrong Holy Grail. My face was dry, and it felt like the skin was pulling tighter to my dome. It was not a pleasant feeling. What was more interesting was how my face reacted to the dryness. It was like an unstoppable force (dryness) meeting an immovable object (oily face).
My face fought back...and fought back hard. By the end of the day, I think my forehead was pulling a full-on "glisten." Not from sweat, but from man-made face Crisco.

-- It smells delicious. It almost smells too good. I want my face cleansers to smell like alcohol pads and turpentine. It gives me the impression that some major face cleaning is going on.

-- The lid collects cold water. The lid has a little reservoir that collects water. When you open it up to use the scrub, the cold water really kills the hot water buzz. Please fix this.

-- The Salicylic acid is not a high enough concentration. While this acid is effective at removing black-heads, the 2% level in this scrub does not work very well. These are black-heads that have been settled for a decade or more. They have more staying power than the Occupy movement.

For an over-the-counter product, this would probably suffice. For severe acne issues, a prescription is really your only choice. For really greasy skin, I suggest carrying around a fanny pack full of alcohol face cleaning pads, and don't touch your face after eating a bucket of KFC.

Neutrogena oil-free Pink Grapefruit foaming scrub gets a below average grade of 2 sleek stars.

Subway Bacon Egg and Cheese Flat-bread Sandwich Quick Hits Review

2012-02-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

Everything is better on flat-bread, including breakfast at Subway. Why go leaven when thoust can go unleavened. At least that’s what my Rabbi used to always say. 4 Stars.

Subway bacon egg and cheese flat-bread sandwich - Nope, not on my watch. Can't do it. I'll leave this one to the bulkier staff members. Matt?

This is the holy trinity of breakfast sandwich toppings Luckily, Subway does it right with this pita-filled menage a trois. I usually order 2, and tell the sandwich artisans that the second is for my wife as they give me "why not order 3...fat guy" looks from over the counter. 4 stars.

I don't feel that I'm getting a true "Subway value" with this sandwich, as I can't backfill the bread with a 90% ratio of lettuce/meat. Plus, I am addicted to McGriddles. 1 Star

A Quick Hits average score of 3 stars. (for the 3 reviewers who would actually try it)

Final Destination Movies Series Review

2012-02-15T05:00:00.002-07:00

Warning: The following contains a no-holds-barred spoiler of all 5 Final Destination Movies

I vaguely remember watching one of the Final Destination movies years ago with my wife and thinking it was ok. If asked which one it was I couldn’t tell you the number but could say it was the one with the rollercoaster (turns out that’s the 3rd one). It’s also the one with the drive thru, the hardware store and oh yes, the suntan salon. Ahh, the suntan salon.

Anyway, it’s no coincidence that this is how people remember the Final Destination movies; by which death scenes were in which one, for this is all these movies are. Such a simple formula; a teenager has a premonition of a coming cataclysm, he freaks out, a group of 5-8 follow him out of harm’s way (all unbelieving in his premonition) and then the foretold cataclysm occurs and they stand there in awe, and then the real fun begins as Death (whose plan to kill these survivors in the cataclysm has been thwarted) starts taking them out one-by-one in a series of incredibly complicated and gruesome accidents. Did I mention the suntan salon?

Let me back-track just a bit. Yes, we had watched the 3rd one way back when it first came out and that was it, but finding ourselves in the mood for a horror movie, my wife and I were flipping through Netflix on Thursday night and found Final Destination 2. We watched it and I’ll tell ya what, it’s the most fun we’ve had in our bed since my birthday a few months back. Our plans for the weekend were immediately set into motion. I came home from work on Friday with Final Destination 1, 3, 4 and 5 and we had ourselves a little marathon.

A lot of #1 seemed familiar to me so I must have seen at least some of it at some time or another and of course #3 was the one I knew I had seen. We watched both of those Friday night and then watched 4 and 5 Saturday night. It struck me that these were very similar in nature to the Saw movies (WAIT, WAIT, WAIT….read on – don’t freak out). But then I thought about it more. They are similar in that the entertaining part is seeing the new and elaborate ways people are getting killed off but then I realized the major difference. Jigsaw from Saw is all about gears and pulley’s and welding to build these ginormous death machines. Death is more like the Macgyver of the horror movie universe. Everything is very elaborate just like Jigsaw, but he uses hairspray, tinfoil, the sun, and stray sawdust to cause all the mayhem. It’s brilliant.

The one thing I liked the most was there was no attempt to develop the character of Death. This is what made sequels to Nightmare on Elm Street so bad is the apparent need to keep changing and adding to the character of Freddy Krueger. They wished him away, but no he’s the bastard son of a thousand criminally insane maniacs so you have to bury his bones, and no that won’t work because he made a pact with some dream demons and that’s why he’s so bad, blah, blah, blah. Not with Death. Only with the 5th movie do they add even the slightest thing with the addition of you can take an innocent life to save your own. Other than that, no development and thank you very much for that.

The series is a cautionary tale. There are accidents waiting to happen everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. Some frayed wires, some condensation from a Big Gulp cup and a loose screw or two and BAMMM! You’re head is being crushed by an elevator or WHAMMO! You’re getting scalped from behind by a cars radiator fan. So be careful out there people.

The funniest one was #2 (that BBQ scene just before the end – still makes me giggle).

The most shocking death was in #5 (the girl impaled by the mast of the sail boat during the opening premonition – made my wife and I both scream out “OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”).

The one with the most mayhem has to be #4 (the Mall scene).

The scariest or should I say the only scary one was #1.

The one with the most nudity was #3 (This is the suntan salon scene I keep going on about).

The best opening credits was #4 (The homage to all the previous death scenes in X-Ray vision).

The worse opening credits was #5 (For some reason they tried to do the same thing as in #4 opening credits but with shattering glass and it was just pure stupidity).

The worse character that just wouldn’t die quick enough was in #3 (The goth dude from the hardware store).

The raunchiest (or “best” depending on your moral compass) sex scene was in #4 (the cabana at the pool scene).

The most intense opening cataclysm goes to #2 (the highway pile-up scene).

The hottest chick is in #5 (The Lasik Surgery scene girl).

The bloodiest and most gruesome opening cataclysm goes to #4 (The Nascar crash scene).

The best ending was #5 (But I can’t bring myself to ruin it but it has something to do with #4 being called The Final Destination).

All and all I give the entire series 4 stars. Very entertaining throughout with interesting characters and very stylized and elaborate death scenes, lots of blood and no apparent need to take themselves too seriously makes for a great series. They lose 1 star because as horror movies they just aren’t scary (except 1 which was a little scary). They are suspenseful but just not scary and that’s ok. Until #6 comes out watch your step.

Storage Wars IRL Review

2012-02-13T05:00:00.002-07:00

I’ve been more than intrigued with the A&E reality series “Storage Wars” for several months now. We record it almost daily and, for some reason, I find it extremely entertaining watching people look for treasures in other people’s old piles of garbage. The premise is simple; people rent storage lockers and then stop paying for them. After a while, they become the property of the storage facility who then auctions them off to make up their back rent. The kicker is, the people bidding at the auction only get to look at the contents of the storage locker for 5 min from the door. They can’t go inside so they have very little idea on what they are bidding. That is what makes it a gamble, that is what makes it interesting.

The TV show, of course, often shows antiques hidden in dresser drawers and duffel bags full of gold that were purchased for roughly $27. Only now can I imagine the footage they must have of tomato stained Tupperware and soiled bed sheets that never made it past the cutting room floor. Here is how I know.

A few weeks ago a co-worker mentioned that he too was a huge fan of “Storage Wars”. He further went on to tell me about a few storage auctions that were happening locally, and he wanted to give it a shot. Well, you don’t have to ask me twice, I’m in. We convince one other buddy to join us, scheduled some time off of work, and then just sat back and daydreamed about the untold treasures that we would find.

I mean really, we could find anything in a locker. Maybe we pick up a small locker for $100 bill and find a first edition Bowcaster signed by Peter Mayhew himself. Maybe we bid on a unit that has a hidden crate of vinyl including all 4 KISS solo albums. Maybe we catch a little glint of light off a small box in the back of the unit only to later find that it is a gen-u-ine 1982 “A-Team” lunch box, mint-condish. I pity the fool that didn’t bid on that unit. Ahhh, and then the guns. I was certain that every unit for auction would have no less than four, high-dollar, high-powered rifles and handguns. I live in the West for Pete’s sake, everyone has guns out here. If not, worst case, I would at least find some cool electronics, a bag full of collectable coins, and a pair of 4 wheelers hidden under a tarp in the back. It was going to be good. We were going for the “Wow factor”. Plus, in a perfect world, nobody would show up and we could walk away with the entire lot of lockers for less than a five-bill. Come on, it was a daydream, why limit yourself?

Now for reality. We take off from work with plenty of time to get there early. As we are standing by the gate waiting for the auction to start, people begin to assemble. To say that we were out of place in this crowd is the understatement of the century. Hmm..how do I say this? The standard storage auction demographic in this town is a little on the white trashy side. Ok, that too is an understatement. Let me explain it this way; of the 50 or so people that showed up, we counted 8 people in full on camo, 4 mullets, 5 people were wearing stone washed jean jackets from 1983, several sets of bib overalls, Carhartt jackets galore, and some moon boots even though there wasn’t any snow. We guessed that 80% of the clothing that people were wearing was indeed salvaged from an abandoned locker. Locker? Dumpster?... one of the two. Plus, everyone was filthy, disheveled, and smoking. Yup, all of them were smoking. You’re not getting me here, I’m saying all of them, not some of them, and not most of them…all of them were smoking. I thought that was statistically impossible.

On to the lockers. The first locker door opened and 50 people dove to the door. Not a one of them considered standing in line and taking turns. What a concept. When I finally shoved my way to the front, what did I find? Filth. Absolute filth. I’m not talking about people’s random clutter or junk, I’m saying literal garbage falling out of bags, dirty diapers, broken toys, and what looked like volcanic ash covering it all…and we don’t have volcanoes here. Who pays to store garbage? Pass. On to the next. Boxes of files that were obviously medical records. Nothing else. Pass. On to the last one. GARBAGE. More garbage?!?! Locker sold for $5 and had nothing but garbage again. I think the guy that bought it did so for the broom that was on the floor.

So we had a bad day. I still wanted those KISS albums so we decided to try again. This time we traveled 45 min. to a more rural set of units on a Saturday. I will spare you the long story but you can multiply the people by 2 the dogs by 10 and switch out some of the cigs for stogies. Add in Dog the bounty hunter, a 6 year old that was a dead ringer for Rocky Dennis, and about 20 toothless men in their late 80’s wearing plaid and swearing up a storm and you will have a feel for the crowd. As for the units, of the 8 advertised, only 3 were actually auctioned, and that was too many. Quality-wise, the only difference between this auction and the last was the smell. If you cut the cig smoke with rotten feces and then add mouse crap to the filth in the units, you get the full rural effect.

Needless to say, I didn’t buy or even bid, but surprisingly, others did and spent quite a bit for that matter. I don’t know why, maybe it was the long drive out there, maybe they have a bedbug fetish, but it was worthless to me. I guess in California you get units like they show on TV, or maybe they find something in 1% of them and that is all you see, either way, I’m done with this venture as are my buddies. I still can’t get that smell out of my nostrils.

I know I built it up way too much, but wow, what a mountain trash bonanza. The only redeeming quality of this entire experience was the chance to observe and belittle a crowd of freaks with my pals. Now that I think about it, that alone has to be worth at least one star.

#6-10 ~ Matt's Top 20 Albums of All Time

2012-02-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to read the qualifications regarding how my top 20 is chosen. (For those that are too lazy to click--see directly below for a brief description)

Music -- What is the musical quality of this album?
Freaking awesome -- How many freaking awesome songs are on this album?
Memory -- Was there something that ingrained this album into your being in your past?
Wild-card -- Just as it reads.

See the rest of the list at these links:

11-15

16-20

"Just Missed"

#10
Muse -- Origin of symmetry (2001)

This is the second showing for Muse in my top 20. (hint...it's not the last) This critically acclaimed 2nd album is so diverse. Diverse synth sounds, drums, guitar, and even an organ.
Where was I from 2001 to 2008 before I had started listening to this band? Am I a late-comer to jump on the band-wagon? Hell yes...in fact, I slit the driver's throat and I am now behind the wheel.

Music -- Very few male singers can pull off good falsetto. (I'm talking to you creepy Kurt on Glee) Matthew Bellamy is an exception to this rule. He's almost inspirational. I'd like to see Muse re-mix Ave Maria.
Awesome Songs -- If you do not get goose bumps when you hear the guitars come in on "New Born", you are a chump. Plus the song is 6 minutes long. Bonus. I would have it playing at my wedding if I could go back and do it again. "Micro Cuts" is sick. I'd like to hear it live to judge how much producer editing went on.
Memory -- I would daresay this is my wife's favorite Muse album.
Wild Card -- Adam Lambert sang "Feeling Good" from this album on American Idol. I believe this is the only reason he did well on the show.

#9
Midnight Oil -- Earth and sun and moon (1993)

Think this is a head-scratcher? Think again. At one time this album was in my top 5. I know what you're thinking: Poor singer...not even their best album...every song is about Australia...really?!
While not an enormous Midnight Oil fan, this album grabbed hold of me like no other. The bass-heavy songs and metallic guitars are fantastic. Plus I don't mind Garrett's scratchy voice. It grows on you.

Music -- Catchy harmonies complement the major/minor key transitions through many of the songs. The sound is electric and bright throughout the album. The replay-a-bility is enormously high. Who doesn't like anthems about country?! (Even if they about Australia)
Awesome Songs -- The bass run to start off the album with "Feeding Frenzy" is great. The title track has fantastic guitar work as well. "Truganini" and "In the Valley" are solid, but the monstrous highlight of the album is "Outbreak of Love." I love everything about this song. I've strained my falsetto many times trying to sing along.
Memory -- After high school, I traveled to Alaska to work in a salmon processing plant. It was hard work. 16 hour days for a couple weeks straight. On your feet, in cold weather, throwing fish guts around. I loved it. At times, you didn't feel like talking to others in the assembly line. Drifters with 3 remaining teeth, college kids from BYU on some "great spiritual discovery." No thanks. Unfortunately, headphones were not allowed on the processing floor. I did not follow this rule. With my Sony Walkman hidden discreetly under layers of clothing, and smallish hard ear buds hidden beneath a wool hat, I listened away. For you young ones, each cassette tape was the entire album, with half the songs on each "side" of the tape. Luckily, my Walkman would "skip" to the other side automatically, meaning that in one 4 hour shift, I would hear this entire album 3x. Good times.
Wild Card -- After the band disbanded, Peter Garrett went into a life of politics. I didn't know a law-less country had politics. (I kid)

#8
Weezer -- Weezer (The Blue album) (1994)

This is the greatest sing-a-long album ever created. Even my kids know the words to most of these songs. I have no deep-seated attachment to the message in these songs...no deeper understanding of my personal being...just screaming out "and when you're out of fuel, I'm still afloat!"
I get really "geeked" at these nerd-rock bands. Ben Folds Five, They might be Giants, Barenaked Ladies...wait--not that last one.

Music -- Great concert music. Great Party music. Great driving music. Not good sex music.
Awesome Songs -- Every song is worthwhile on this album. It's not very long, so the best course of action is to listen straight through....singing along the entire time.
Memory -- Weezer is one of only a small handful of bands that I've seen live multiple times. They are FANTASTIC live, especially if you can see them in a small venue. I still wear my Weezer concert shirt when I mow the lawn every Saturday. (I paid $30 for it...I need to get my money's worth)
Wild Card -- Cuomo used to have one leg shorter than the other. He had surgery to lengthen it. No word on if it was his third leg.

#7
INXS -- Kick (1987)

There are rare moments in time when everything aligns perfectly, and greatness is created. The end result for Michael Hutchence and a gaggle of Farriss boys was the album Kick.
INXS was riding decent success from previous albums, but music featuring a saxophone really didn't play well to the masses. (Calm down Kenny G fans..yikes!)
INXS brought dance beats to couple with Hutchence's silky voice and created one of the greatest "Top40-esque" dance albums of all-time. The follow-up albums never quite had the same impact, and then Hutchence moved on to the great "Guns in the Sky."

Music -- There is a lot going on during an INXS song, least of which is Kirk Pengilly's creepy facial hair. Despite the fact that it seems like INXS has more band members than Arcade Fire, their most simple songs on this album work the best. The vocals and underlying bass/beats really carry this album.
Awesome Songs -- Their "greatest hits" albums is basically just a re-release of Kick. "Guns in the sky", "New Sensation", "Devil Inside"...I could go on. One of the top 20 songs of all-time resides on this album though--"Need you Tonight" is hands down amazing. Plus it spawned the greatest "extended song that is really another song" with "Mediate." I've seen that music video almost as much as Faith Hill's "Breathe."
Memory -- After the death of Hutchence, INXS faded from my musical consciousness. Despite abhorring most reality TV shows, when "Rockstar INXS" hit television, I was instantly hooked. I wondered--was this just a publicity stunt, or could a viable singer replace the amazing Hutchence? By the end, INXS settled on JD Fortune. A 20-something punk from Canada who was a magical crooner. It was eerie. He sang INXS songs with the band, and his likeness vocally to Hutchence was spot-on. Musically, he was a fantastic fit for the band. But that was about it.
It was rumored that Fortune spent most of his time snorting coke lines off the bathroom floor of every Denny's between LA and Atlanta. Despite a solid first album release with the band (switch), they parted ways, and Fortune went back to living in a van...down by the river. (no really...look it up. He lived in a van down by the river)
Wild Card -- It's fairly impressive that a group full of guys who look like they could be managers at a bank could be so musically talented. It's like a magic show while watching them live. You hear really good music, but you see a group of mechanical engineers pretending to play instruments.

#6
Muse -- The Resistance (2009)

Muse is the anti-Weezer. I'm not saying either is bad, but that the intent and result of the music is completely different. Weezer creates fun songs that would be good at a party or to sing along with in the car. Muse creates music that takes your mind elsewhere...creates a sense of another world. It's kind of like the Dungeons and Dragons of the music world.
Muse creates music that could be played as a score to most movies. The music tends to create and drive feelings and emotion rather than just listening for enjoyment. Misguided as it may be, I suppose I can believe that Stephanie Meyer had some sort of emotional creation while listening to Muse. How that translated into the creepy house-wife porn that is Twilight is beyond my understanding.

Music -- While not their most popular or highest reviewed album, the Resistance is the perfect harmony of Muse's classical influence, industrial sound, and vocal talent. There is very little let-down on any of the tracks, and culminates in the greatest musical ending of an album ever created. (more on that in a moment)
Awesome Songs -- There is only one "downer" on this album. (Guiding Light) Other than that, this is a music-gasm of epic proportions. "Uprising" and "Unnatural Selection" are 2 of highlights. The piano work on "United States of Eurasia" is fantastic. But the overwhelming highlight of this album is the 3-part "symphony" at the end of the album. Titled "Exogenesis", it is some of the best music I've heard in years. Each of the 3 songs are so unique and captivating. I went back and forth over which of the 3 is my favorite, but realized that the group must be viewed as one "work."
In a sideways-bizarro-musical-montage-world, I fight for survival in the zombie apocalypse. In one key scene, I channel my inner "intersect" and destroy scores of zombies in a musical montage featuring Prodigy's "Smack my @#$$ up". After overcoming riotous groups of looters and surviving numerous challenges where friends and family are lost, I overcome all adversity to lead a group of people to a "safe zone." This montage will be underscored by Muse's "Exogenisis", and will culminate in the final scene where I lead a group of starving people to the "safe zone." As I walk over a grassy hill towards the walls of the compound, the sun is rising behind me and I can barely hold my Katana sword. A small child clings to my pant leg as we stare at our future. Helicopters fly over-head, while armed sentries man patrol stations at regular intervals on the wall----HOLY CRAP!! See what I mean?? I was totally in the zone there. Muse music creates an entire different world and generates emotions hard to explain.
Memory -- Did I mention that Muse music goes well for those "romantic interludes?"
Wild Card -- This album continues to climb in my top 20 list. I suspect it will be in the top 5 in the next couple years. Did I mention that the whole Twilight-Muse connection really irks me?

Zebra 301 Series Pen and Pencil Review

2012-02-08T05:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve been on a journey of sorts most of my adult life; that journey of course being the quest for the perfect pencil to use at work. I discovered the perfect pen years ago. It’s the Bic Clic Stic. You know the one. This is that cheap click pen you find at every restaurant or hair salon you go into and they have their logo printed on it and such. Yes. I said it. The perfect pen. It writes well, is light weight and cheap. And, it works perfectly until it runs out of ink. But I digress, I do believe I was on a journey for a pencil.

Every job I’ve had required me to write; yes I have very soft hands that are free of calluses or permanent oil stains. It has absolutely irked me the last 20 years because I have never felt comfortable with what I was writing with. I’ve gone through several dozen sets of various brands and models and none have given me what I wanted.

The most expensive was a rather nice Cross Pen and Pencil set. It cost around $200 and after a few minutes of using them I realized that somebody is going to steal these. They have been securely locked in my gun locker and never really used going on 5 years now.

Lately I’ve decided it’s either start using the standard #2 pencil like I was back in grade school (with the sharpener fastened to the edge of cubicle opening) or else find the perfect pencil. I went to Staples with this thought in mind and walked out with the Quick Dock by Pentel. I liked it except it had too much girth. I like my pencils and pens to be thin, not bulbous. I liked how it had a screw out eraser. That is definitely one thing I hate about mechanical pencils is the token nub of eraser that comes with them. This one had a full inch to use. I tried it out for a few days and at least twice a day had the urge to break it in half. The metal tip on it kept sinking into the body of the pencil and on top of that, the eraser didn’t erase very well.

Never being one to give up quickly I venture into Office Max again determined to not walk out without the perfect pencil. Within 5 minutes I had found it. I couldn’t believe why I hadn’t thought about this before. I had used these before. I love these pencils and matching pens. I speak of course of the Zebra brand 301 Series Pencils and Pens (a moment of silence please…..now broken with angelic harmony from above….and…..we’re back)!

I bought a 2-pack of the pencil (M-301) and a 4-pack of the pens (F-301; 2 black, 1 red, 1 blue). This was perfect because I needed a red pen as well. I open them and try them out and they are just as blissful to use as I remember. Let me backtrack. When I was but 17 years old I worked as a parking attendant in a downtown mall. These were the standard issue pen and pencil we all used. I loved them. We all did. We must have stolen a dozen or so of them until management got wise of us. They are awesome.

They are light weight but you still know you’re hefting a thing of quality. They have a subtle plastic criss-cut grip pattern near the end which is just the perfect amount you need so it doesn’t slip out. They are thin but not prissy. The stainless steel shaft is nice to the touch and gives it a sense of elegance. You would have to go out of your way to break the pocket clip and the slide action of the clicker at the top is smooth with a manly click. They write smoothly and precisely without any need to scribble-prime the ink (in the case of the pens). They come in many varieties, but for me, nothing beats what they call “The Original”. The lead on the pencils is easy to refill. The only problem I have found is that it is illegal in all 50 states to marry these pencils and pens.

The interesting thing is that now that I have re-discovered them, I’ve lost weight, sleep better, have more energy and motivation and for the first time in years, feel hopeful about the future. How interesting that my journey for the perfect pencil and the perfect pen ended at the beginning with the set I had a quarter of a century ago. Corny you say? It’s a freak’n mechanical pencil review. I had to jazz it up somehow. Anyway, the F-301 by Zebra is a certified ReviewSpew All-Star.

Kleenex Cool Touch Tissues Quick Hits Review

2012-02-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Real men could use 40-grit sandpaper to wipe their nose, but if you’re a fancy lad I could see why this would be appealing. 3 stars

Tissues are a luxury at my house. If anyone in my family were to get a runny/bloody nose they would run to the bathroom and use some good old fashioned 2 ply toilet paper. Though my 2 year old had a cold recently, and the toilet paper was giving her a rash and giving her a lifelong dislike for wiping her nose, so I bought some of these. She was instantly grateful that it was the furthest thing from sandpaper. For kids I would absolutely recommend them. They smelled a little funny for my taste but the relief is worth it. 4 stars.

My red, sensitive nose can use all the soothing coolness it can get. Thank you Kleenex for continuing to push the envelope of tissue technology. 4 stars.

As I'm currently nursing a cold, I say Hallelujah for Kleenex cool touch tissues! Rather than coat my chest, neck, lips and nasal passages with Mentholatum to clear my sinuses, Kleenex has rolled this job into the same step with a hearty mucus blow. Thanks Kleenex. 5 stars

Quick Hits average of 4 Stars!!

Panasonic 2.2 Cu. Ft. Microwave Oven Review

2012-02-03T05:00:00.000-07:00

Home ownership is not what it’s cracked up to be, especially now that my home is 17 years old and starting to fall apart (mostly due to neglect and abuse, but that’s a different story). To fully understand my review you have to know how badly my appliances get abused. Doors get slammed, or left open or both, things get overfilled, I personally have thrown a chair at this house’s first electric oven (which destroyed it by the way). Ask yourself, how many times have you replaced your garbage disposal? I’m sure a survey would come up with a number less than 1. I have replaced my 3 times in 17 years. Each time I’ve upgraded to a more powerful one hoping it could withstand the punishment it will most certainly go through (we’re keeping our fingers crossed because this is the most powerful one they make).

So I’m hoping you have the image in your mind that you need as I turn to the point of this review: Our counter-top microwave oven. Six years ago we upgraded from the Amana Microwave we got for our wedding. You know the ones with the dial on it. That thing could have withstood WWIII, but alas even the best of things have to come to an end.

The replacement microwave we bought was a Panasonic 1.6Cu. foot 1250-Watt with exclusive Inverter Technology (whatever that is). This thing worked like a champ despite being slammed around, pushed around, spilled on. I think at one point it even survived a fall to the floor. Last night I got the craving for some oatmeal, stuck it in the microwave and blue lightening started flashing inside the oven, followed by a very loud humming noise, then the smell of smoke and then the whole thing powered down.

Now, I could have troubleshot what was going on and perhaps fixed it but I’ll be honest, the possibility of it achieving self-awareness and killing me in my sleep was right at the forefront of my decision to just replace it. Being 9:30 at night, I went straight to Walmart.com (as opposed to Best Buy), found what looked like the exact same model, found the closest Walmart that had it available, drove out to the store and took a look at it. The 1.6Cu. foot one was quite a bit different and it just looked stubby, but the 2.2Cu. footer, now we’re talking. It looked just like my old one but bigger. It was only $155, which is way more than I wanted to spend (I’ll discuss that in a minute). I bought it, took it home, plugged it in and cooked me up some oatmeal.

I was hoping that it would start doing the exact same thing as before and then I would discover metal shavings in my Quaker Oats and I would put it back in and let it and set it for an hour and burn my house down and then the insurance would buy me a brand new one so I could start all over with the maintenance of it and such and then I would sue the pants off that chubby Quaker bastard for trying to kill my family with his metal shavings in my oatmeal. Then I would have been rich and never would have to work again. Wouldn’t that have been neat? But it didn’t do the same thing, and my Quaker brand oatmeal came out super good and tasty as our Quaker friends intended. Delish!!!!!!!!

Now about the money. It’s a good price, it really is, but who the heck wants to spend money to replace something. You upgrade from a 24” Sony Wega to a 55” wall-mounted Plasma Screen TV well Ya!!! That’s awesome. I spent $155 last night and all I have is the same thing that now takes up more room than before. whoopee……. It’s absolutely irksome and goes back to what I said earlier about home-ownership being a total kick in the nuts. OK, I said it nicer earlier but I’m getting a little worked up now.

Anyway, I highly recommend this microwave oven. It’s proven to be a reliable workhorse, and lasting 6 years in my home is equivalent to about 10 years in yours. We got the stainless steel model which looks very attractive on top of everything else. It cooks food quickly and evenly. This new model has a option that keeps food warm, that I’m very excited to try out. I give it 4 stars instead of 5 because, well, it could still become self-aware and kill me in my sleep.

#11-15 ~ Matt's Top 20 Albums of All Time

2012-02-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

I was leery to include "angry" music in my top 20, as I'm not an angry person. (except in cases that include traffic, lines at the grocery store, fast food drive-thrus, Twilight discussions and mayo on my sandwich when I distinctly asked for it to be left off)
Apart from an early musical venture into punk and metal that included The Misfits, Samhain, and Danzig (see a trend?), I generally tended towards the "alternative/pop" side of music. When this album came around, it was a healthy progression into this off-shoot of alternative/industrial music for me. In my opinion, it is the best overall album by NIN, and I can play it in my car in my 30's without someone at the stop-light wondering why they are hearing about f-ing like an animal. (as on another NIN album) Strong, strong debut album that still holds up as an all-time great.

Music -- Trent Reznor brought (previously thought-of) lame creepy industrial music to the masses. His haunting melodies and vocals are fantastic.
Awesome Songs -- "Head like a hole" is such a great album-starter. Immediately crank the volume up. "Terrible lie", "Sin", and then it cap it off with one of the best songs by NIN..."Ringfinger". Love it.
Memory -- None of my friends really liked this band like I did. I was a closet NIN fan. I know my Mom didn't like them either.
Wild Card -- Reznor now creates fantastic movie scores. (Danny Elfman watch your back)

#14
Muse -- Black Holes and Revelations (2006)

In the category of "my top 5 bands," Muse is a late entrant. Despite numerous poor suggestions by my younger brother to turn me onto new whiny British bands, this one was a real winner. (really...Travis, Oasis, Arctic Monkeys, Biffy Clyro, Kasabian, Foals?)
To climb into my "top 5 bands" or "top 20 albums", there needs to be a little bit of "staying power." Even though Muse hasn't proven this over my musical lifetime (yet), they deftly overcompensate with some of the best music I've heard in years. I LOVE this band.

Music -- Words can't describe the quality of the music Muse creates. I'll try--Moving. It's the most emotionally moving music I've ever heard. (re-reading that...it sounds so lame. But it's true.)
Awesome Songs -- "Take a Bow" sets the mood to start the album. "Assassin" has some of the most unique guitar work. (and rocks) "Knights of Cydonia" makes me want to run across the USA wielding a sword. (until I get tired 1/2 a mile from my house and the song is over)
Memory -- My wife and I love this band with equal passion. (P.S. It's good "mood" music...if you catch my drift)
Wild Card -- My brother may like this band more than I do...and he "discovered" them first. This makes me angry. I also hate that the author of Twilight used this music as her inspiration for her books. It soils Muse's good name.

#13
U2 -- Zooropa (1993)

I never boarded the U2 train with Joshua Tree. I stayed away when the masses clamored for Rattle and Hum. Why were these Irish dudes singing folksy music? I was confused and never latched on.
Achtung Baby came and I immediately joined the ride. The Euro sound was much more to my liking.
Zooropa felt like a transition album to me. U2 was at a cross-roads. They were the most popular band in the world, trying to decide if they should stick with their "pop-like" ballads, or continue down the much more interesting path of the Achtung baby roller coaster. Lucky for us...they chose the latter.
Zooropa is so much in one album. Electronica, heavy bass beats, soulful ballads, and the Edge monotonically singing one of the best songs to be released in years. The guitars were more vibrant, the drums more random, and the entire album left you exhausted by the end. That's what I want in an album.
Unfortunately, in subsequent albums, U2 regressed back to top-40-esque music and blase sounds, to be re-mixed into tunes heard in elevators and shopping malls for years to come.

Music -- I already mentioned above how much I liked this "awakening." I wish they could have stayed the course. The only exception is the awkward last song with Johnny Cash. I love the Man in Black, but I don't like this song.
Awesome Songs -- I love "Numb" so much it pains my innards. "Stay" is fantastic as well.
Memory -- A friend and I held a U2 bond for a while. He developed a man-crush on Eddie Vedder, and we both drifted from Bono, the Edge and the boys. (Too bad that the best stuff Vedder has put out in the last decade came from a movie soundtrack)
Wild Card -- I only saw U2 once in concert. (the popmart tour) The seats were horrible, and the tickets were over-priced. I loved every minute of the production.

#12
Pearl Jam -- Ten (1991)

Rarely does a music album come with such force, that it forever changes the trajectory of music. Unfortunately, this isn't that album. (that honor goes to Nirvana's Nevermind) But...this album took the heavy momentum from Nevermind, and pushed it into another orbit. Grunge became mainstream.
I don't want to over-state how important this was in the annals of musical history. For a decade, Americans were subject to the worst social/musical trend ever created. We know this as Heavy Metal.
Now now dear Warrant fans--there were some quality groups in this period. The cream of the crop as some may say. Guns n Roses, Motley Crue, etc. (Metallica is in a class of their own) But for every "top-tier" heavy metal group, there were dozens of lycra-clad, big-hair, STD-infected, screaming hard rockers. (I'm talking about Raven, Twisted Sister, Quiet Riot, Winger, Dio, Ratt, Poison, etc) If this lifestyle were allowed to continue, VH1's Rock of Love wouldn't be a complete joke/farce, and Tommy Lee would be President.
Pearl Jam came along and nailed the proverbial coffin shut on this horrific decade of forgettable music. (As an aside, if you want to relive this portion of your life, you should attend any local MMA or WWE event. Trust me)

Music -- Ground-breaking. Countless bands tried to imitate and replicate their sound. Most to no avail.
Awesome Songs -- "Once" is by far my favorite, but there really isn't a let-down on this whole album.
Memory -- Every 16 year old boy at this time felt that Pearl Jam spoke for them. We felt that Vedder could do it better with music than we could with words....oh...until I found out that he was singing about suicide on their most popular song. That kind of dampened the whole "speak for me thingy."
Wild Card -- Does Eddie Vedder have lazy eye? I understand the whole "vein" popping out while he's struggling to hit high notes, but the lazy eye at key moments of songs really creeps me out. Franken-Vedder.

#11
Depeche Mode -- Violator (1990)

Speaking of 80's niche bands.....Depeche Mode sort of started out this way. At one time, they were clustered in with other 80's soft alternative bands like the Cure, Echo and the Bunnymen, and the Smiths. Unlike the bands listed previously, Depeche Mode continued into the 90's with many more fantastic albums.
Violator separated the band from its peers into the subconscious of everyday radio play. Everybody liked this album.
This was a concert you could attend with your girlfriend. You could listen to it in front of your mom. And you'd find yourself singing along at full volume driving in the car to work. Even those who think they were "too cool" for this band knew and liked most of these songs. (you again Warrant fans)

Music -- While not amazingly different from their other albums, there isn't a let-down of quality music. I love David Gahan's voice.
Awesome Songs -- "Sweetest Perfection" is a fantastic song. "Waiting for the Night" also tops the list.
Memory -- I saw this band in concert in the 2000's after their heyday. They sound better live than 95% of most bands alive.
Wild Card -- 9 songs??!! Really?? This album only has 9 songs. This is outright ludicrous. Is this where Coldplay gets the idea to crank out 32 minute albums?

Bromance Review

2012-01-30T05:00:00.001-07:00

There are some things in this life that can only be shared among men. A pay-per-view fight, the movie “Road House”, and competitive eating are all things that are beyond the comprehension of the average female. So, when a heterosexual man finds another man that has things like this in common nature cultivates a wonderful thing, a blossoming of man-love if you will…a bromance.

A bromance is an amazing thing. Every filthy thought that you could never share with your gal-pal is perfect fodder during a golf game with your bro. Need to vent about some guy at work? Buzz your bro and talk about how you plan to beat your coworker’s eyes shut after a cheap shot to the groin, he won’t judge. Into zombies? Of course, we all are, but the fairer sex may not indulge conversation that ultimately ends in cannibalism and you leading a band of futuristic pirates in a post-apocalyptic setting. Your man-bro will not only point out holes in your “escape” plan but also tell you how best to preserve human meat in a world that no longer has refrigeration. Further, he will discuss, in detail, the finer points of managing your harem of 25 women. That is a tough scenario to talk through with your wife of 15 years.

Side note: I’m not being sexist here. During the zombie apocalypse, men will be killed at least 10-to-1 over women in the first week alone. Heroism and machismo will wipe out most of the honorable guys right off the bat. Those of us that are left will need to have harems in order to more efficiently repopulate the earth and replenish the ranks of warriors to fend off the hordes of undead. It’s just math and good common sense.

How many women will play the “How much would it take for you to…?” game. That is an all time favorite amongst the bro’s and it goes places that you wouldn’t believe. (Side note 2: I have a minor bromance going with Matt and he will do virtually anything for 5 large. Anything). Again, there isn’t a woman alive that will indulge such nonsense.

This all being said, I have been involved in several bromances during my married life. At times, my wife has even questioned my sexual proclivities as she observed me smiling and laughing over a clever text or watched my eyes light up as I planned a man-date for the weekend. Nothing, though, prepared her for the intimate contact that comes with Brazilian Jujitsu (BJJ). For instance, being “in a man’s guard” is the fighting equivalent of the “missionary position” with a cup. North-south is the equivalent of “69” and “taking a man’s back” is the equivalent of well…“taking a man’s back”. It is all way more innocent than it sounds and is an amazing work out, but to the untrained eye, yeah it looks a bit sketchy. This kind of intimacy can only be shared with another bro, and here is why: There is a deep-seeded, primal disgust for the hairy beast with which you are “rolling”, so there is never any tingling to make you second guess your team. (Side note 3: intermural BJJ is highly discouraged if you are in a committed relationship. I admit that there is a fine line between a “rear naked choke” and straight up “S&M” when the participants have ANY potential attraction to one another.) My point is that this kind of close contact is just another part of a bromance and should be embraced, not shunned.

It is a simple fact that men and women are designed differently. Simply stated, women have a mental progression throughout their lives and men stop their mental evolution at the age of 16. We need an outlet for this difference that can only come from another equally juvenile guy. So ladies, let your guy have a bromance or two, give him this and give it without guilt or retribution. Trust me, you don’t want any part of what those guys are sharing, to be shared with you.

Februany Subway 5 Dollar Footlong Quick Hits Review

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

I firmly believe that no sub should be priced over $5 dollars at any time at Subway. Though I'm happy that Subway celebrates black history month by letting me get a sandwich other than the meatball marinara for a Lincoln. A word of warning though, as good as their chicken sandwiches may look, do not dare order them for threat of a chewy bouncy ball marinated in teriyaki sauce. $5 is a decent price for a filling meal. 5 dollars, 5 stars.

The 5 dollar footlong deal is worthless to me as all the sandwiches taste the same at Subway. When the percentage of meat to lettuce is 5%, there isn't much to enjoy. Plus they choose the shortest month to offer this? At least there are only 28 days that I have to hear that terribly annoying "5-dollar footlong" commercial. 1 star.

Mouthing a footlong is so much better at 2/3 the price. When everyone else is raising prices, Subway drops them. Major props!
5 stars.

Kudos to Subway for the $5 footlong. During this recession when everyone else was cutting portions and raising prices, Subway comes to the rescue of the common man. 5 Stars

Quick hits average 4 star Rating!!

Dulce De Leche and Chocolate Cheerios Cereal Review

2012-01-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

General Mills is definitely not a racist company...I hope this isn't what is taken from the following paragraph. I'm just saying that at first glance there appears to be some disturbing trends.
For over 60 years, Cheerios came in the form of regular Jim Gaffigan-esque-white, and the slightly less white honey-nut brand. As well, the only way to improve the (non) taste of regular Cheerios was to add heaping spoonfuls of pure white sugar. Was this a concerted effort by General Mills to be the (cereal) man?! Probably not...but it's a good way for me to introduce their full-scale integration of new cereals, and to prove that taste is color-blind.

Chocolate Cheerios are fairly low in calories and sugar. (compared to other sugar cereals...not compared to Lettuce) At 100 calories per serving, you can feel much less guilt pounding a bowl at 10pm as part of your nightly cereal routine.
The reason the calories are lower, is because the chocolatey/sugary taste is not very high. These won't ever be mistaken for cocoa pebbles. Nor will they turn your milk into a sweet nectar of chocolate syrup to drink after your cereal is gone. This is actually a plus for me. I prefer the more subtle cereal flavors.
The old adage of "Once you go black Cheerios, you never go back" does not apply here....because another flavor has been introduced for which my palette is even more pleased....read on.

Dulce De Leche Cheerios is supposed to be a homage to our Latin American neighbors and their famous Caramel-milk like spread/topping. While there is probably a tie to the Latin American community with the whole grain that went into this cereal (most likely harvested by low-paid immigrants working 14 hour days), the famous Dulce De Leche taste did not make an appearance in the box.
Don't get me wrong. The Cereal is very good, and the taste of "Caramel" is also subtle like the chocolate. But if you're expecting a dead ringer for that sweet caramel honey taste from the land of be-headings and hostage-taking, you'll probably be disappointed.
The calories are also low for this cereal, which makes me say muy bueno.

The main reason I never purchased Cheerios in the past was the fact that they tasted like toned-down dog biscuits. This has all changed with the introduction of these 2 new flavors. Plus, I can totally show that I have a very multicultural cereal cabinet. Chocolate cereals, Latin American cereals, Fruity Pebbles, and one of the boxes even has a leprechaun on the front. (the term "little people" applies...not leprechauns)

4 magically delicious stars for both of these cereals. Turn up the funk and crank up the mariachi...General Mills has gone global.

I also noticed that one of my favorite blogs has also reviewed the Dulce De Leche Cheerios here!
You should give it a read as well.

Olive Garden Review

2012-01-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

Bedlam – A place or situation of noisy uproar and confusion. Keep that in mind as this review progresses.

I hate eating at Applebees, TGI Fridays and Chili’s for many reasons but the number one reason is they’re just too damn loud. Under normal circumstances I do not hear perfectly but you add the chaos that ensues during your average visit to any of these establishments and I’m deaf as a post.

That is why I love Olive Garden. It’s a completely different atmosphere for the same price and quality of food. Sometimes it’s almost tranquil, but it’s never snooty. I cannot abide eating at a snooty, hoity-toity restaurant.

Many Italian restaurants offer some sort of all you can eat soup / salad /breadstick lunch, but Olive Garden is the best at it. The salad is always good, the soups awesome and the breadsticks are to die for. The other great thing about Olive Garden is the endless pasta bowl they have every fall. WOW. The orecchiette with alfredo sauce is my absolute favorite. But I’ve enjoyed dozens of other combinations. Keep an eye out for this special and make sure you visit your local Olive Garden when this rolls around next.

I must say that as high as I have been on Olive Garden the last several years, they fell very far from the pinnacle I once held them on. My wife and I went there on Saturday. Feeling frisky we ordered an appetizer of Lasagna Fritta. It was soon served to us along with breadsticks and salad. We each devoured the first one and mmmm and awed at how good it was, and we ate some salad and we ate a breadstick and then we ate about half of our 2nd Lasagna Fritta, and there was no mmmming or awing. Once the core hunger was satiated just the tiniest bit, these little suckers tasted like ass. We finished our 2nd one, and I tried a 3rd, but nope. These things sucked.

For entrees my wife ordered Mediterranean Grilled Chicken (Herb-marinated grilled chicken breasts served over capellini in a light, zesty lemon-herb vinaigrette tossed with cherry tomatoes, feta cheese, spinach and olives.) and I ordered the Mixed Grill (Skewers of grilled marinated steak and chicken with a rosemary demi-glace, served with grilled vegetables and Tuscan potatoes.) Hey kids!!! Guess what also taste like ass? That’s right boys and girls Mediterranean Grilled Chicken and the Mixed Grill entrées from Olive Garden.

You know what though. All of this could be chalked up to mis-ordering on our part (not really looking at the menu close enough) and all would be forgiven except for one thing. Bedlam. Gone was the tranquility and peacefulness I had come to enjoy at Olive Garden. Gone was the non-hoity-toity sophistication I had come to expect. Instead the place was in a complete state of Bedlam. It was more akin to a McDonald’s play place but instead of kids, it was adults. Perhaps that is why we ordered hastily, and may even had something to do with how poorly everything tasted. It was as if all the loud crazy blow-hards within 20 miles decided that Italian sounded good for dinner that night and besieged Olive Garden.

I absolutely hated it. Hated it I tell you. Because of this, Olive Garden gets 3 stars. They lose 1 because the food was gross and they lose the other one because of the environment they seem to create now within their walls.

budk.com Website Quick Hits Review

2012-01-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

For that hard-to-find Nazi apparel, there is no better website, but it’s slower than hell. 3 Stars.

Sure, you have to ignore some Nazi memorabilia and Confederate swag, but where else can you get a Ninja sword for $7 and a bucket of tactical folders for 5 bucks? 4 Stars.

I'm not kidding when I say you can buy a grappling hook for $30 and a gas mask for $20. By my estimation I can become Batman for under 200 dollars. Where do they get all these wonderful toys? Though there should probably be some sort of background check as to ward off the militia members. Even so, these knives are cheap. 5 throwing stars (which apparently can be bought for just $6).

When my friends and I decided to enact a real-world version of Atari's Gauntlet, Budk.com was able to outfit our weaponry down to the very last detail. Wizard needs food badly. 5 Shuriken Stars.

Quick Hits 4.25 Star Rating!!

Acer Iconia A500 Tablet Review

2012-01-18T05:00:00.002-07:00

In my mind, there are some things that simply cannot be replaced by a generic. You will always find real Heinz Tomato Ketchup in my fridge, sorry no Catsup here; you will always find Nike shoes in my closet, Zips just don't stand the test of time; and I will never sub Mr. Pibb or Dr. Shasta as a replacement for my Dr. Pepper. I'm pretty sure Dr. Shasta isn't even a real Doctor. Other than that, I let the reviews and specs speak for themselves when I venture out for a purchase, and hold no allegiance to any one brand. That being said, I was looking for a tablet for Christmas this year and only had one rule..do my best to avoid Apple. Personally, I have several Ipods and have come to hate iTunes with passion. Plus, I can't stand the idea of built in obsolescence that comes with no SD slot and no USB ports. I also really didn't like the ridiculous yet ubiquitous price tag that comes with all Apple products. I know, I know, you Apple lemmings are as bad as the Sony ones (with the small exception that Apple does make some good products) so please save your "Once you go Apple" speeches for someone with less knowledge and more cash.

So, I read the reviews and searched for Christmas deals and when all was said and done, Santa brought me a 10" Acer Iconia A500-O8S08U 8GB tablet. Why so little memory you ask? Why not? I dropped a 32gig SD card in the expansion slot and am rolling 40GB for $209 for the tablet + $35 for the SD card. Yup, it was a fire sale and the old 8 Gig versions flew off the shelves. For this price, it was worth the risk of buying an Acer (as most would agree is a cheaper brand) as I could buy 3 of them for the price of one 32GB Ipad. Specs wise, this matched Xoom and the Samsung and the reviews were pretty good. So I got it.

Here is where the problems start. On Christmas morning I opened my toy and was thrilled for about 2 hours. After getting everything setup and running like a champ, I did a system update which made it all go wrong. The update finished but the tablet sat on the Android screen after the reboot.... forever. I didn't want to mess something up if they were long updates, so I let it sit for at least an hour. It never responded. Power off, power on, rinse and repeat. Nope, nothing. Being Christmas, I started searching the internet for people with a similar problem instead of calling tech support. The best I got there was how to do a hard and a soft factory reset. I tried both. Neither worked. Oh, both reset functions completed as they should, but the tablet still froze on reboot. The next day I called tech support and waited on hold for about 30 min. They walked me through the same hard factory reset a few times and said I would have to send it back for repair. I worked through the details of that but asked if I could just have a new one cross shipped so I didn't have to wait so long. They said that required Level 2 permission and that department was closed until the next day. The next day, I called back and waited for 30 min. for Level 1, spoke for 20 sec., and then waited another 45 min for level 2. Once they got on the phone, they said I would have to send it back and that they don't even have any inventory for a cross shipment. Wow, that would be good information to give Level 1 people. Indeed, I had wasted another hour-fifteen on hold for nothing. So, I sucked it up and shipped it back.

It took about 10 long business days for me to get my Christmas present back, but I have it now and it is working great. Honestly, I am tickled with the performance, apps, versatility with the USB ports, and the extra storage. I read my "Walking Dead" comics on it, use it as a Kindle reader, and stream movies from Netflix. I also threw several movies on it in various formats to see how it handles them and it does great. It even plays the HD format from my camcorder in native mode. I haven't had any application crashes and the battery life has been way better than expected. Others online have complained that it is too heavy, but I really haven't noticed, but then again, I don't quite have the delicate sensibilities of a right-proper, fancy lad.

In my house, this is now the go-to toy of the season and I am continually trying to pry it out of my kids hands. Ninja fruit, Angry Birds, Smurfy farm land, whatever, the kids love it. In fact, my laptop hasn't been opened since I got this and quite frankly, I don't see it getting much use in the near future either. That is, unless I need a DVD drive or a keyboard for writing reviews (like that happens more than once a month).

Overall, I think this is fantastic for the price, although I didn't care for the wait time on hold for Acer tech support or the lack of options for cross shipping product. That being said, I WAS calling the day after Christmas. Even with the initial frustration, I'm still giving this 4 stars. I only wish Santa had brought 2 more of these to my house so I can get some actual time with it. As for reliability, time will only tell, but I have yet to see what my brother's Ipad can do that this can't....besides require 3X the payments.

McDonald's Daily Double Review

2012-01-16T05:00:00.010-07:00

Went to McDonalds the other day prepared to order my usual. There are 3 usuals for me there: 1) 20 Piece Chicken Nuggets, Large Fry and about 10 sauces and Coke. 2) Angus Mushroom and Swiss, Large Fry and Coke. 3) 2 Double Cheeseburger, 1 McChicken, 1 Small Fry and water. Anyway, I’m in line and notice the new Daily Double. To me it looked like their McDouble but with tomato and lettuce and it just looked and sounded good to me. I ordered 2 of them, a large fry and a water cup.

I sat down and watched some Headline News on their biggest screen and waiting for my food. On that note, it sure seems strange how McDonalds now has more of an airport lounge feel than a restaurant feel. Don’t you think? I think that show Super-size Me has plunged McDonalds into some sort of identity crisis or something. They can’t decide if they’re a burger joint that caters to the kiddies, a premium diner that caters to the business set or a juice bar catering to the health nuts. But I digress.

The food comes, I fill my water cup, serve up 5 tiny cups of ketchup and return to my seat. A few fries go down to pave the way for this awesome looking burger. And it is a nice looking hamburger. Rarely does a burger come out looking like it’s picture on the wall, but both of mine looked really good and I began to salivate.

What we have with the Daily Double is their ordinary plain bun, 2 beef patties, 1 slice of cheese, a slice of tomato, slivered onions, lettuce and mayonnaise. I take a bite, a second bite, a third. Watch some news, eat some fries, slurp down some water, take another bite and then with only a bite or two left it occurs to me: This burger is completely devoid of any flavor whatsoever. Thinking I must be wrong, I finished the burger determine to see if my thought was correct. It was. With the exception of biting into an occasional onion, there was not one ounce of taste to it.

I think I’m not adequately explaining myself here. You could not taste any cheese, despite the presence of cheese. You could not taste beef, despite the presence of what appeared to be 2 beef patties. Neither could you taste mayonnaise, tomato, lettuce or bread. Except for the aforementioned bite or two of onion there was nothing.

I’m not sure how they did it. This is a McDouble with tomato and lettuce and the McDouble taste pretty darn good. So what happened with this burger. My lunch companion had ordered one as well and completely agreed with my conclusion on this. The burger was so empty that I wasn’t even going to review it until I was a driving home a few days later and saw the billboard advertising it. The caption read (in 3 foot high letters) “Daily Double - Twice The Taste”. It’s as if they were begging for it, so here it is.

The Daily Double is not worth the effort to chew it. Sucking on the end of your car’s tailpipe, although unpleasant, will provide a more flavorful experience. From first bite to last bite, it leaves the consumer feeling as though they are doing nothing but gnashing their teeth on thin air. “Twice the Taste” they say? Let me remind McDonalds and warn all of you that 2 times 0 = 0. They could honestly and ethically call it 10 Bagillion Times the Taste and it wouldn’t make any difference.

I give the McDonald’s Daily Double 1 star because it didn’t kill me. How could it? There was nothing there. I hope McDonald’s figures out what it wants to be pretty quick before they find themselves no longer the giant that they currently are.

Talking Tom cat Free Phone App Quick Hits Review

2012-01-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

The kids love this..and I giggle at it too. I particularly like slugging the cat in the guts and watching him choke back his puke. Funny stuff. 4 stars.

Multiple well-placed ads negate this brilliant concept. I need this to entertain my kids on long drives. Give phone to kid...let kid punch cat and have him imitate their voices. Instead it's a cacophony of them saying "what's this?" as an ad pops up due to their errant clicking. (The free version anyway. Who pays for apps?) 1 Star

There are only 2 reasons to have this app. First, it's free. Second, if you have kids who are amazed that a creepy cat/dog/parrot, repeats exactly what they say. Oh wait, I found a third reason for this app, you can say the most vulgar words in the English language and have an average housepet mimic you. Even with this newfound fun, I'm only giving it 2 stars...Because, well, it's free.

As I still use a Motorola Razr from 2004, I had to download this game to my PC and play it with a mouse. It must be fun on a touch-screen phone that has a built-in microphone, because I was bored after roughly 30 seconds. Now, if they had a Talking Tom Cruise for the PC, I'd be interested. 1 Star.

Quick Hits Average of 2 Stars.

#16-20 ~ Matt's Top 20 Albums of All Time

2012-01-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to read the qualifications regarding how my top 20 is chosen. (For those that are too lazy to click--see directly below for a brief description) You can also see the albums that just missed my top 20 in that link.

Music -- What is the musical quality of this album?
Freaking awesome -- How many freaking awesome songs are on this album?
Sealed with a memory -- Was there something that ingrained this album into your being in your past?
Wild-card -- Just as it reads.

#20
They Might be Giants -- Flood (released 1990)

I don't even think there is a classification of music that could describe They Might be Giants. Regardless, this album is great. You can turn it on at any time and drop back 20 years in your life to better times.

Music -- I don't think this album is what we'd call one of the "influential greats." Lyrics, vocals, and instruments all border on acceptable. Regardless of this, all tunes are catchy...even if half the lyrics are nonsensical.
Awesome songs -- None of the songs on this album would reach my top 50. "Birdhouse in your Soul" was probably the highlight.
Memory -- I've sang along with this album in my car, with friends around a fire, in a boat, and just about anywhere else Fox in Socks could dream of. I can't hear the terms Istanbul/Constantinople without jumping into the chorus of that song. What the hell is a particle man? I don't care, but I love that song.
Wild Card -- Any album with 19 songs is a plus. Also, this is the only album in my list in which I know the words to every song by memory. If there is ever a TV show entitled "Name that They Might be Giants Tune from the album Flood," I'll clean house.

#19
The Beatles -- Revolver (released 1966)

So I copped out and said I wouldn't include any "classic greats" just because they are considered classic by others. And I'm not. This is my favorite Beatles album, and I would be doing a dis-service by not including it in my list.

Music -- This was a major redirection in the Beatles career. Leaving behind the folksy music for the more psychedelic tunes with more electric guitar. Luckily they had some semblance of both types of music on the album. I love it for this.
Awesome Songs -- This would be a greatest hits for most bands...and the Beatles were just hitting their stride. "Yellow Submarine", "Here, There and Everywhere", "Tomorrow never Knows", etc.
Memory -- Would it be cheesy to say I enjoy playing Beatles Rock-band on the Wii with my family? If so, I'm king cheddar and proud of it.
Wild Card -- My family owns dozens vintage Beatles vinyl records still new in the plastic. They were passed on from my Dad.

#18
The Cure -- Disintegration (Released 1989)

Robert Smith at his hallucinogenic-induced best. I can't decide if this album is meant to be spent in the arms of a significant other, or to drop acid. As some of the songs are almost 9 minutes, that automatically rules out the first option for me. I'm fast asleep by minute 6 or so.

Music -- The vocals of Smith and guitars are one of a kind on this album. The melodies are haunting and memorable. Unfortunately, multiple songs were peeled from this album and placed into the "Junior High Dance mix tape." Such a shame.
Awesome Songs -- "Untitled" is one of the all-time great slow songs. Why they hid this gem at the back of the album, I'll never know. There are multiple strong songs on this album, but this is by far my favorite.
Memory -- The very first concert I attended was the Cure. It was in a basketball stadium, and it was horrible. They sounded terrible live, and I couldn't see anything from my vantage point. I only wore jeans and a t-shirt, and felt very under-dressed. (Did I say all memories had to be positive? Wrong)
Wild Card -- In a college course I took of less than 20 people, we were supposed to write a paper on someone who affected our life. 2 separate people listed Robert Smith as this person. Each acted like they were the greater fan. I was hoping for blood, but got nothing but copious amounts of eye shadow.

#17
Beastie Boys -- Licensed to Ill (released 1986)

This album needs no introduction. It was one of the first cassette tapes I ever purchased. (along with Tiffany and the Pet Shop Boys--both missing from my top 20) White rappers before white rappers were cool.

Music -- Catchy hooks and lyrics complement the surprisingly addictive annoying voices of all 3 members. You'd think that 3 guys rap-whining in a NY accent wouldn't work. It does.
Awesome Songs -- I could go into any bus station, greeting card store, or sport bar and start yelling the lyrics to Paul Revere. By the end of the song, at least 50% of all guys around would be singing along with me.
I have no idea what the song means...but I love it.
Memory -- I also liked Run DMC at the same time, but my boyish 11 year old voice couldn't belt out "Who's house? Run's House?" with the same believability as screeching out "Brass Monkey...That funky monkey"
Wild Card -- I met Adam Yauch in Park City Utah. I'm sure he still remembers me.

#16
The Foo Fighters -- Echoes Silence Patience and Grace (released 2007)

There are multiple Foo Fighters albums in my top 25. This is the best true Rock band of the last decade. I think Dave Grohl is the most talented musician alive today. Everything this band puts out is instant gold. Do I have a man-crush...yes.

Music -- This would probably be considered the Foo Fighter's "slow album." It definitely has a different feel than Wasting Light, although neither are bad albums. Dave Grohl has great vocals on the slow songs in addition to the up-beat ones. Guitar work is strong as always.
Awesome Songs -- This album has 5 songs with a "5-star" rating according to my Ipod. "The Pretender", "Let it Die", "Stranger things have happened", "Statues", and "Home". There isn't a let-down at all on this album.
Memory -- I've listened to this album while mowing the lawn more than any other. Luckily, the loud mower covers my voice as I sing along.
Wild Card -- A true good album only gets better with time and repetitive play. Exhibit A: I had a Peter Gabriel tape (So) that I used to consider one of my favorites. I listened to it constantly. After a while, it started to wear on me...to the point now that I don't even like it. The Foo Fighters are the polar opposite of this. I am more endeared to their music over time.

Tune in next time for #11-15.

Top Ten Films of 2011

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

If that picture isn't misleading then I don't know what is. Not only are none of those movies in my top ten but several of them are in my bottom 5. So my annual tradition of telling readers more of my opinion continues with this list. I understand every critic adds their list to the countless mix, but that never stops me from reading them. Let's be honest, 2011 was a sucky year for fantastic Tier 1 movies but while compiling my list I found there to be a solid dozen great tier 2 movies. Based on this list, 2011 was a good year just not a great year. I'm pretty sure 2012 will blow it out of the water.

10. Fright Night
Yes, really. I am a fan of the 80's cult classic and not a fan of remakes. But this updated Fright puts other remakes to shame. It manages to be pretty hilarious and also menacingly dark at the same time. Colin Farrell is a imposing force not to be messed with. He plays the Jerry character differently than the original, Chris Sarandon, and the movie is better for it. Doctor Who fans will recognize David Tennant, who plays Peter Vincent and steals the entire movie. I will be watching this movie every Halloween from now on.

9. Hanna
One of the moodiest films of the year. Hanna is a child who has been raised to be an assassin. This movie does a great job of showing her struggles with the truth about people around her and at the same time gives us a dark European coming of age story. It doesn't hurt that she is being hunted the entire movie. One of the first great soundtracks of the year, done by the Chemical Brothers.

8. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
I'm saying this was the biggest surprise of the year. Even as this movie began I sat there thinking "Well this is gonna be the suckiest suck mcsuck movie ever..." (No, I don't have terrets) How could a movie that is a prequel for the silliest series ever, and have James Franco as a scientist, be any good? What a shock that it is actually really quite good. Caesar, the ape, steals the movie. Bless you Andy Serkis.

7. Hugo
The prettiest movie of the year. Every scene in Martin Scorcese's first family film could be my desktop wallpaper. This is a movie for film lovers throughout the ages. It is a definite fan service for dorks like me who believe the in the escapism power of film. Great performances and though it's a movie with a younger cast, it never gets predictable or settles with cliche jokes.

6. Source Code
This is Duncan Jones' second film. He also directed the fantastic "Moon" a few years back. A perfect mix of science fiction and characters that you actually care about. Plays out like the lovechild of Quantum Leap and Groundhog Day. One would think they might get sick of watching the same 8 minutes repeatedly, but not in this case. Many people don't like the ending, but I urge them to watch it again and think about all of the possibilities the end opens up. It never hurts to have a movie make you think.

5. 50/50
All right, I admit I have a best friend crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I think he and I would get along quite well. He really knows how to pick his roles. Even Seth Rogen isn't incredibly annoying in this one as his best friend who tries to help him take his mind off of his terminal cancer. 50/50 is great because it doesn't try too hard to throw sentimentality at you. By the end you may even shed a tear or two, and it doesn't hurt that there are plenty of laughs to be had as well.

4. Attack the Block
If you haven't heard of this movie, go check out the trailer. This one is right up my alley. This british movie, directed by Joe Cornish (of the Edgar Wright crew), is all about an alien invasion on South London and the adolescent thugs who defend their block. It's a lower budget movie but is really effective. Don't expect a Shaun of the Dead with this one. There are funny moments but this movie is pretty intense. And there are a lot of great kill scenes, which never hurts. Not even the main characters are safe. Another great movie soundtrack, this one done by Crystal Method.

3. Beginners
After his mother dies, Ewan Mcgregor's dad decides to finally come out of the closet and Ewan somehow has to deal with it. If someone told me that premise I wouldn't even bother watching for free on netflix. Though, the plot is far deeper than originally thought and the acting is the best of the year. Also, in a year of crap comedies, this can be genuinely funny at times. I think a main reason this movie has stayed with me is the clever/original way it was edited. What a great way to tell a story.

2. Super 8
So this one was my favorite for a long time. Upon subsequent viewings it just hasn't held up as great. Though I still loved the feeling of seeing this one in the theater and feeling like I was 12 years old again and watching a Spielberg classic in the vein of Jurassic Park or ET. If only other summer blockbusters gave you the nostalgic and fun feelings this one did. (I'm looking at you Transformers and Pirates) I look forward to everything J.J. Abrams puts out from now on.

1. Drive
Ryan Gosling was in 2 movies I hated this year (Crazy, Stupid, Love and Ides of March). I kind of thought I hated him personally, but this movie changed my mind completely. Out of every movie I've seen this year, this is the one that has stuck with me. The soundtrack, the brutal violence, the cinematography, all of it is unforgettable. When people ask me to explain this movie, all I can really say is that it is "The Transporter" with brains. But that is underselling it. Ryan Gosling is now the "driver" in my mind and has created a classic movie character. I want his scorpion jacket so bad. (I take donations by the way) Albert Brooks has a great character turn as the villain. I will be buying this one on bluray the day it comes out. (Which is saying a lot because I'm extremely cheap) For those who haven't yet seen this movie, be prepared for a jolting experience (thankfully not as bad as Dragon Tattoo) but a movie that will stay with you.

Drinking Water Review

2012-01-06T05:00:00.002-07:00

In the last 8 years I have probably consumed an average of 8 oz of water every single week. Yes, you read that correctly…week. I hate water. It’s so foul and disgusting. Some have said, “Well add lemon to it.” I stare at these people with complete “deer in headlights” confusion. What on earth could adding a lemon to my water do to make it better. I have no idea whatsoever. Then there are those that say, “well maybe it’s your tap water…have you tried bottle water.” I say to them “Does it have water in it? Then I don’t want it”. Finally there are those that say, “You need to drink more water than that because you need water to live”. This statement could not be further from the truth. Why? Because I’ve been living off of 8 oz of water per week for 8 years and I’m not dead.

I don’t know why I don’t like water, I just don’t. It’s so boring I suppose, although I can see the advantages of it. Like when I go to get blood drawn. Being over 40 and having an over 40 BMI, doctors tend to want to draw a lot of blood out of you. Problem is, my skin is thick like an elephant. My veins are thin and move around a lot and my blood is more the consistency of molasses than blood. This is probably the result of drinking so little water. The average blood draw takes 10-15 pokes and it’s only after bringing in “Their resident expert blood draw-er” that they are able to get some of that sludge out of me. So in preparation for a blood draw I will normally man-up and force feed myself a gallon of water the day before. Pure hell.

I think I’ve mentioned this before but I drink about ten 12-ounce cans of Diet Mt. Dew every day. But one day when it was time to crack open can #3 of that day, for some unexplained reason I got this incredible craving to drink water. Seriously. I drank an entire glass of ice water, then refilled it and finished that glass off within about 15 minutes, went and got a 3rd. I didn’t think much of this at the time, but it was the beginning of the end for me. From that day forward I have been consuming between 1 and 2 gallons of water each and every day. I’m not joking. I’m down to maybe 1 can of soda a day. The rest is handled by water.

So this has been going on for about a month now and it has led to some strange consequences. First of all, many people are downright alarmed as it’s a sign of diabetes to have a sudden unquenchable thirst. So I call my doctor who looked over my last blood draw and yes, my blood sugar levels are high but not diabetic high. Whew. My urine which had been the most delightful color of dark orange and smelled like death for years now, is almost clear with only a tint of yellow and no smell. I took a 12 hour round trip car ride to pick up my daughter from college. I had to stop 8 times to go pee. Totally sucked. I’m getting up between 2 and 6 times a night now to pee. I hate it. The worse though, is I have not been drinking my diet Mt Dew. This has been horrible for my energy levels. This explains why you didn’t get a Christmas or New Year’s Holiday Review out of me (something that has made the management here at reviewspew.com very grumpy).

Bottom line, there is nothing good about drinking water whatsoever. It wastes your time peeing, it makes pee less interesting with its lack of color and smell, and still tastes like absolutely nothing. I hate it and it therefore gets zero stars. I hope this craving for it goes away soon so I can go back to my original plan of drinking myself to death with Diet Mt. Dew.

Battlefield 3 Video Game Review ~ Quick Hits

2012-01-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

If you purchase this for the PC, you will forever regret this decision, and yearn for your 55 bucks back. The Origin game manager was created by the devil incarnate. My computer actually had a pop-up window saying it was being digitally raped by Origin.

Honestly though, does anyone under the age of 43 buy games for the PC anymore? (cough cough...me) The multi-player game-play is strong, and the graphics are amazing. Too bad they handcuffed it to Origin. 1 star for my PC experience.

Is it just me or did this become the game of choice for people who are "better than Call of Duty." Yes, I too get tired of getting killed by 14 year old on Black Ops too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to devote myself to a real time war simulation. If I want to run around for hours and not see a single enemy soldier I'll play World of Warcraft. (Disclaimer: I confidently know nothing about WoW.) Battlefield 3 gets 2 silver stars for fun factor.

Is this like Pong? If it’s like Pong then I’ll play it and give it 5 stars

This game rocks. If my controller had 14 fewer buttons, it would be all the better. Do I really need to duck, strafe, jump, and twist all at the same time? 4 stars.

Battlefield 3 gets a Quick Hits average of 3 stars.

Mtn Dew Throwback Quick Hits Review

2011-12-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

Pure cane sugar…that's the one. Corn is good for popping and on a cob but keep it the hell out of my 3pm pick-me-up. Down with HFCS! 4 stars.

I drink original Mtn Dew (can we really not say Mountain anymore?) more than any other beverage. Sorry water. I was told by several (2) people that I would love throwback Mtn Dew because it had real sugar in it. Well apparently I'm not into the real stuff. Give me synthetic sweetener any day. Though let's be honest, even throwback Mtn Dew is better than Mello Yello. I give this yellow number 3 stars.

I’m waiting for Diet Mtn Dew Throwback made with Saccharin. 1 Star

I prefer Diet Mtn Dew as the others are too sweet. Call me an elitist. Wait...can someone that drinks Mtn Dew call themselves an elitist? Plus the retro bottle label freaks me out. I expect to hear dueling banjos when I look at it. 1 Star.

Quick Hits average of 2.25 Stars.

Matt's Top 20 Albums of All Time -- Foreword

2011-12-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

Oh joy! Another "Top ###" list by some blustery self-promoting blogger. I know you're probably saying "Who gives a crap. What does a review blogger who holds the world-record for self-deprecating fat jokes know about music?" Not much, although I forked over thousands of dollars as a young man for cassette tapes, concerts, and guns and roses pins for my Levi jean jacket. I also used to record music off the radio to tape, and write out the lyrics in a notebook to memorize...I still have that notebook. That is my resume.

See the lists right here!

#16-20

#11-15

An enormous list of caveats directly below:

-- I was a child of the 80's. For me to start listing Pink Floyd, Cream, or Beatles albums all through out my Top 20 would be disingenuous. Just because some stoner in 7th grade taught me to play Stairway to Heaven on the guitar doesn't make me a die-hard Led Zeppelin fan. These songs were not played on the radio--and the radio was the main source of my introduction to new bands/songs. I had a very personal relationship with Casey Kasem.

-- Staying power means nothing to me. (just ask my wife) Just because U2 and Eddie Vedder have cranked out 79 albums between the two of them does not guarantee a single album on my list. There is no "lifetime achievement" award bonus. I'd take the top 10 Neil Diamond or Johnny Cash songs and place them up to any other artists--but they had to make 1300 songs each to get a decent top 10. (Yeah...I love Neil Diamond and am proud of it)

-- I'm not really into Chick bands/singers. (using the word chick is intentional for the sole purpose of perpetuating the fact that the entire top 20 is dude-centric) I can't explain it. Maybe it's because my second cassette tape purchase was Tiffany. Am I miffed because I never got to see her perform in Layton Hills Mall as a kid? I'm not sure. I've discussed this topic in another blog posting on my once-loved (barely) humor blog. You can analyze my female bigotry at this link.

-- "Greatest Hits" albums do not count. Period.

-- You must own the album for it to be in your "Top 20." I have always liked Thriller by Michael Jackson--but never purchased it. Doesn't count.

-- I gravitate to alternative and rock music rather than pop, rap, polka, or country. Deal with it.

-- Grading an album based on the music alone is not enough. I know...how can I say that the music alone isn't enough to rate an album? Continue reading, and you'll find my qualifications for entry into my "Top 20."

Qualifications to be called a great album:

-- Good music. I mean the whole deal. Instruments, vocals, rhythms, intros, outros, etc. (Spoiler--Billy Squier is not on this list.)

-- Number of "freaking awesome" songs on the album. Most good albums have a song or two that when finished, you say to yourself--"That was freaking awesome." Think about it. It's rare for an album to be at the tops of your list without an anthem that moves you.
On a side note--what you may have thought was "freaking awesome" at 13 years old may not be so "freaking awesome" anymore. I "Walked like an Egyptian" with the best of them back in the day, but with apologies to the Bangles--that song just sucks.
Think about it--your musical tastes improve and change with time. I used to think Sizzler was the greatest restaurant in the world at 9 years old. Now?? Pass. I also thought "Seventeen" by Winger was such a good song, that it inspired me to buy the tape. Damn you Kip Winger and your hypnotic hair. You cost me 13 bucks.

-- Seal the deal with a memory. Does the music/album invoke a memory or thought of something that happened in your past? Did Lionel Richie sign your cleavage at a concert? Did you pump up in preparation for high school football games with Metallica cranked in your Suzuki Samurai? How many hours did you waste with buddies watching MTV? Did you make out with a mix tape that was "Toad the Wet Sprocket-centric?"
If an album does not invoke a emotional response, then it hasn't done it's job--and thus isn't worthy to be included in your list.

--Wild Card. Did Garth Brooks come and sing at a charity event to raise money for your dying brother? Is there a Van Halen song named specifically after you? Do you cut Kenny G's hair? These wild cards can propel an album to the top based on some quirky fact alone. (And the fact that I'm 1/4 Jewish does not make me like Neil Diamond any more...but his chest hair does)

So, after the longest pre-review ever, let's get down to business. Over the next few weeks, I'll count down my top 20 with 5 albums per review.

Unfortunately, this weeks offering is only the albums that ALMOST got in. WHAT!?? Yeah, I like to set the table and then shoot an air ball with 3 seconds left on the clock.
Enough setting...let the air balls begin.

The next 5--Just missed making the list.
Some are trending up, and some trending down. I suspect this list will look different in the next 5 years.

-- Sum 41 -- Screaming Bloody Murder: Love this album. One drawback is a song named Scumfuk. Really? Good song...stupid name. Scumhug would have been better.

-- Coldplay--A Rush of Blood to the Head: Really good album from a band at their peak. I'm of the belief that you could splice all Coldplay albums together, start it on shuffle, and nobody would know they were different albums. Is that good or bad? Probably good...as I like most of their music.

-- Ben Folds Five -- The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner: I still miss Darren Jesse and Robert Sledge. Rumors of one "get the band back together album" are making the rounds. This one rumor gets me more hot and bothered than any late-night Cinemax.

-- Sum 41 -- Underclass Hero: I have an obsession with Sum 41...so what? In my opinion, they are the best holdout from the "2000's teen punk bands." In fact, I think they are only getting better.

-- Foo Fighters -- Wasting Light. I first heard this album first filed it under "OK, but a little too heavy for my taste." Further listening has shown me the error of my ways. This is a true, great rock album in a time when rock is a dirty word.

Other albums that received consideration:

Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Stadium Arcadium
Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Blod Sugar Sex Magic
Stone Temple Pilots -- Core
Third Eye Blind -- Third Eye Blind
U2 -- Achtung Baby
Metallica -- Metallica (The black album)
Yes -- Fragile
Guns n Roses -- Appetite for Destruction
Nirvana -- Nevermind
Aerosmith -- Pump

Tune in for the next installment--Albums #20-16.