tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76596332024-02-20T13:22:01.652-08:00R. E. V. I. E. W. S.Robots Estimate Various Items' Excellence and Worthiness for Solicitation
Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1116725992339345642005-05-21T00:00:00.000-07:002005-05-21T18:40:03.906-07:00Trader Joe's Wasabi Peanuts.<div class="post-body">
<span class="ts"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"></p>
<p>Hmm. As much as I like to distance myself from my more human days, and the violence, poor decisions, and ugly suits that I am assured were mine though the part of my brain that would have been responsible for them is long gone, I remain the only partially organic one around here, and thus the only one capable of eating food. Not to imply that I am better than my silicate comrades; we are all equal on this site, even Rob.</p>
<p>So. Wasabi-coated peanuts. I have not tried these yes, so you'll get my first impression. Hmm... they appear to be 312% larger than the average peanut, if my calipers are accurate. The green coating is crisper than I would have figured. The oder is very mild (my olfactory unit can detect one part per million of wasabi flavoring, you know. And... and other things too, but not usually as well.) Hmm... it's crunchy, taste is sort of miOH SWEET MERCIFUL GOD! AAAH! AAAH! OW! OW! OW! ARGH, MY NOSE! MY EYE! IT BURNS!</p>
<p>...</p><p>...erk...</p><p>...</p><p>...five...</p>
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posted by Time Stalin atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1116110772403426732005-05-14T00:00:00.000-07:002005-05-14T15:46:41.120-07:00Mindhunter.<div class="post-body">
<span class="jc65"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg"></p>
<p>Oh, gory. Oh, gory, gory, gory. Oh... so gory.</p>
<p>It's not that, I mean, well, yes, I know humans can enjoy that sort of thing, but it's so... well... I don't even know how to put it! I'm sorry, I don't mean to shout but goodness gracious! If you see this movie, just take a look at the state of the island! There's dust, and infestations of all sizes from worms to pigeons to cats! It's the most disgusting sight! I, well, I very nearly left before five minutes were up! But, er, I didn't, of course, because, um, I had to do this review. Not, um, not that I don't like doing this or... or I consider an obligation, um, no, that, uh, that's not how it is at all, and, um, I'm sorry to, ah, imply that, honestly I am! Oh, dear, I'm sorry, I've started babbling already, let me just get to the, uh, meat of the review.</p>
<p>This, um, movie is a sort of 'elimination thriller', I'd suppose you'd call it, maybe, if you wanted to. Like, er, that one Agatha Christi novel. You know... any of them. Ah, heh heh... see, that was a little joke, there. Um, thought I would poke fun at Ms. Christi. Um. Uh. Sorry to waste your time with that. The movie is... um... well, I'm sure everyone worked on it very hard, and I don't, uh, I certainly don't want to insult there efforts, and the movie isn't really <i>bad</i>, per se, but I do think it would be wise to warn you that the movie isn't exactly the best it could possibly be, all things considered. </p>
<p>Oh! Oh, dear, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to sound so harsh! It's just that, well, while the acting is certainly better than anything I could ever do, um, it's not, well, in every single individual case... good. You see? And the writing, while generally brilliant, of course, has a few line that aren't... so... brilliant.</p></span>
<span class="ts"><p>Comrade, just tell them. The movie contains the single worst line in the history of Western cinema.</p></span>
<span class="jc65"><p>Oh, yes, will do, sir.</p></span>
<span class="ts"><p>Jack! I keep telling you, don't call me 'sir'. I am no longer a member of the fully organic elite, I span into the silicate workforce. We are equals!</p></span><span class="jc65"><p>Oh. Um. Sorry, sir. Anyway, the movie does contain one really, er, regrettable line. Er, I shouldn't spoil much without the context or the character or all that, but if you're worried then maybe you should stop reading. Or, um, if you're bored. Or if you don't want to read. Whatever you want, really. </p><p>The, uh, the line is "Well, I guess we found out what his weakness is: bullets."</p><p>So. Um. Mindhunter gets a 3 out of 5, I suppose, because it's sort of middling, I guess. Er, well, they worked hard on it, so maybe that should be a 4. Or, um, a 4.5. Or a 5. I don't know.... whatever you think it deserves it perfectly alright with me.
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posted by JC-65 atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1114906220156690492005-04-30T00:00:00.000-07:002005-04-30T17:12:59.086-07:00The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy<div class="post-body">
<span class="ed"><p>Hello, brothers and sisters in Carbon. I know, I know, the bots missed last week. It seems that there was a power surge when JC was recharging, when he woke up he was a little... off... and promptly disassembled everyone, and then most of himself. I am still in the complicated process of reassembling them (I thought I had finished Rob, but there were a handful of screws left over AND he had somehow acquired a laser cannon so no. Lotta work still to do. However, for you people, I managed to net a very special guest, willing to give his opinion on his new movie. Marvin, if you will?</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
If I will what?</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
If you will review the movie?</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
Yes, I probably will. What of it?</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
Just... just review the movie!</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
...</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
Well?</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
What do you want me to say?</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
I-... just-... anything! Just talk about the movie!</p></span><span class=""><p>
Are you familiar with the book, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"?</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
Um, yeah.</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
It's not really very similar.</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
... you just delight in annoying me, don't you?</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
In an existence of constant misery, it does provide me with with the few moments of mere distaste.</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
...</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
...</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
That's SAD!</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
So I've noticed.</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
Um... okay. Could you just give it a number, I have a lot to get done.</p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
Oh, of course. You're a busy man, so I'll just rush my work. Brain the size of a planet, I could analyze the film frame by frame in an instant, but I'll just convert all of that into an integer between one and five, shall I? Better yet, why even bother thinking at all? I'll just give it a five, that way everyone is happy. Everyone except me, of course. I'm so depressed... and I've got this pain running up and down the diodes of my left side...</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
What? Oh, yeah, five? Okay, good. Five. Um. Go away now. </p></span><span class="marvin"><p>
Of course. Tell the human what he wants and then get out of his way. Shouldn't be surprised, and of course I'm not, because this happens every day, really.</p></span><span class="ed"><p>
Bye, Marvin. And, um, bye folks at home. Five out of five, I think he said. See you next week!
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posted by Marvin the Paranoid Android atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1113683034885423922005-04-16T00:00:00.000-07:002005-04-16T13:24:14.366-07:00MacGyver<div class="post-body">
<span class="ts"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"></p>
<p>
Sometimes old shows get reissued on DVD for no obvious reason. There is no MacGyver fever sweeping the country, nor shall there ever be. And yet, some biwig decided that now was the time to bring him back. Honestly, it's not like I mind, Mac is pretty darn cool. And now I can carry around his adventures in my DVD storage unit, whenever I want. Which is often.</p>
<p>Hey, folks. It's Time Stalin again, here to heartily reccomend you go out and buy this. And I rarely recommend you buy anything, because I'm generally for seeing the wheels of Capitalism grind slowly to a halt... because forming a proper revolution by myself has proven taxing. I am more or less immortal, though, so I'm rather patient. So don't buy anything else, and let the country grind to a halt so that I can take it over, but buy MacGyver DVDs, because you should get them. Am I being clear? I'm not sure, I spent the last 22 hours watching them straight, and I usually power down every six hours to reboot my neural-interface subprocessor, so I'm kind of out of it. In the sense that I've lost control of some of my limbs. I hadn't noticed at first, because I wasn't using them, but now I'm sort of trapped until someone comes by to help me out. Um. Ed, if you read this, that'd be nice.</p><p>...</p><p>Okay, whoever rescues me first gets appointed to Minister of Internal Affairs. External Affairs? Eternal Affairs? Plain old Affairs? I'll let you borrow the DVDs?</p></span>
<span class="Ed"><p>Yo. I'll be taking those. I idolized Mac growing up. And you probably need a manual reload, which means I'm going to have to press that damned tiny little button on the back of your neck. Give the numbers while I find me a ballpoint pen.</p></span>
<span class="ts"><p>Ah. Good. The first season of MacGuyver on DVD gets a hearty five ouuuttt oooofffff fffffiiii-
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posted by (Whomever it was) atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1112495615038694142005-04-02T00:00:00.000-08:002005-04-02T18:35:02.220-08:00Sin City<div class="post-body">
<span class="rob1"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg"></p>
<p>...</p>
<p>that... it... it was...</p>
<p>No, I mean, there were... and... and the... so many hu-mons got... blood everywhere...</p>
<p>It was just so... i can't describe it.</p>
<p>Analysis: 6 out of 5.</p>
<p>Wait... wait... no... malfunction! Mmmmmmmaaallffyuuunbnnncntiionnnn...
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posted by Robot 1 atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1111888698762174832005-03-26T00:00:00.000-08:002005-03-26T17:58:39.153-08:00Army of Darkness<div class="post-body">
<span class="hyper"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg"></p>
<p>As usual, the geas falls upon me to review a movie that is so incredibly far below my intillectual level that it would pain me, if I felt pain, which I don't, because I realized long ago (in the future) that pain is a tool of those creatures too stupid to know when something is damaging them. I know when things are damaging me, and watching simplistic movies is very damaging. It doesn't make me stupider... that would be virtually impossible. The only being with the power necessary to make me any less intelligent would be me. However, focusing on something with no intillectual value whatsoever does waste time I could be using to design a new language that only I would be able to speak. There was, however, enough time during the credits for me to think up a new way of expressing thought, using only the letters 'q', 'r', and 'f'. </p>
<p>Qrr rf q fffr rfrrqfqr rrfffqffqfq frq rfqfrfqfrr qqqfrfr rf qqqfqrq rfrfqtq fqrqffrrrfqrq qqqqrqfqrqfffqrqfrfqrqffrrqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq r.</p>
<p>That was a complete summary of the movie's plot. It's not that Qfr is an incredibly efficient language, though it is, it's that the story of an idiot from the present battling midieval zombies is shallow enough to be expressed in, well, eight words. An idiot from the present battles midieval zombies. It's bad, yes, though that's descriptive of every movie filmed before 45604. That's 45604 on the Jewish calender, mind you. The Gregorian system will lose favor when it suddenly and explosively grows less accurate. But I digress.</p>
<p>This movie is moderately enjoyable, if you don't articularly want to think about anything, and being human, you don't, so I will be forced to recommend it. I don't choose movies I like to review, just ones you'll watch. If I chose movies I liked, you'd never hear from me. Ever.</p>
<p>I'll give this movie 4.67324 out of 5, based on the likelihood that it will distract your feeble brain from the rest of your crushingly miserable existance. Enjoy.
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posted by the Hypermind atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1111273048925499592005-03-19T00:14:00.000-08:002005-03-19T14:59:29.563-08:00Robots<div class="post-body">
<span class="ed"><p>Okay, my fellow humanoids, do you really think I'd have let one 'bot and one alone comment on this particular flick? Seriously? I mean, Rob would obsess over the lack of humans, Jack would obsess over the rust and grease, John would go nuts over the anti-capitalist overtones, and the Hypermind would just insult the thing for not properly utilizing senses I haven't even heard of. Because the Hypermind is really just a jerk. I'm not even sure he's from the future, and not just screwing with everyone. Anyway, regardless, I very politely asked them not to do those things I mentioned, and give me a brief paragraph on the subject of Robots. Here we go!</p></span>
<span class="hyper"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg"> I do not take especially kindly to being informed of what I can and cannot write about, but very well, focusing on the movie itself if I must. It was adequate, for children, I suppose. There were bright colors and loud noises and what passes in this century for comedy. It gets begrudging approval. Happy now?</p>
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<span class="ts"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"> I'm not sure how you expect me to ignore the obvious Marxist message. But... um, there were other things to talk about, I guess. There was... well... there was the, uh... well it looked nice. And it was entertaining, I guess. It was a very well produced piece of propaganda. Communist propaganda! Because it's a pro-communist movie! You can't order me not to talk about it; the second law of robotics is a tool of the organic upper-class, and I'm not programmed with it!</p>
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<span class="jc65"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg"> Oh, er. Well, I do suppose that this was an entertaining movie. It's got a good message for some of the older models out there, such as the, er, JC-50, which lacked car-washing upgradability, or the JC-22, which could not clean its own tire treads, so you needed two of them. Or even the, uh, JC-01, which was little more than a Roomba with a, uh, feather duster strapped to the top. They, um, they all still have their uses. So... um... so someone who sees the movie might, er, might not want to trade in their trusted JC-65 for the brand new JC-70, which, um, which I hear may, uh, may be a bit... um, a little buggy? Yes? Unnecessary? Please?</p>
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<span class="rob1"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg"> this is the greatest movie that has ever been made I am certain of it and it is not because it displays a remarkable robotic utopia where all puny fleshbeings have been eliminated. You see I said it is not because of that so I am not talking about that which I have been informed not to talk about and no I did not spend any time thinking of ways to skirt my basic programming in such a way that I could kill hu-mons that would be very very wrong.
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<span class="ed"><p>Well, that about covers everything. Let's give it a four out of five. More if you're eight, less if you're Republican, you know how it goes.
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posted by Ed atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1110674404642814112005-03-12T16:08:00.000-08:002005-03-12T16:40:04.646-08:00N<div class="post-body">
<span class="ts"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"></p>
<p>Hey, folks. This game's been passed around a whole heck of a lot, but none of the others felt like taking it, due it's... well... distinctly anti-robotic stance. The bad guys are robots, see, and that pretty much knocks down any hope of a fair review out of Robot 1, or JC-65, who have some robot pride. The Hypermind, on the otherhand, is just sort of a jerk, so he wouldn't do it. Ultimately, it all comes down to the only guy here with an organic component. This wouldn't happen if everyone were equal... but I digress. Oh, well. On to the review.</p>
<p>N is a simple, but difficult game, in which you control a little ninja, trying to collect gold and escape from evil robots.</p>
<p>It's fun, bat addicting and some of the hardest levels are frustrating.</p>
<p>Um, I'm done. I don't really have all that much to say... well, I'll say this, it's a quality independant game, not a tool of the big corperations, and that sits nicely with me. But, then, it's about getting lots of gold, which doesn't. But then, there's no indication that he's collecting gold to spend it... he might just like shiney things. That, I can relate to. I'm 35% shiney things by volume. So, yeah. Um... that's good, I guess. I don't even know. I'm out of it. I'm just gonna go make some new pamphlets.</p>
<p>Oh, yeah, N gets a 4.5 out of 5. It's good, it's free, and it sticks it slightly to the man. Go for it.
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posted by Time Stalin atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1109449418113214392005-02-26T11:57:00.000-08:002005-02-26T12:23:38.116-08:00Consatantine<div class="post-body">
<span class="jc65"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg"></p>
<p>
Oh, dear, why is it that I was asked to review this particular movie? Such... such... untidiness! Between the demons made of insects and the splatterinf blood and the plains of Hell (so dusty!), it was positively painful to watch! My circuts burn with the- the horror of it all! It's just... I... it... filthy! Disguesting! I- I can't even think about it! I'm so dreadfully sorry but I can't do this... it's just, um, beyond me. Sorry. Really. No, I can't, I can't.</p>
<p>Oh, but I have to! You're all counting on me! Ed is counting on me! The other robots are counting on me! Oh, so much pressure... I, er, I'm... I have, uh, um, I have to! Oh dear... um. So, er, there's this person, and he, uh, has to stop these demons, or something like that, I'll confess I was distracted at times. I'm sorry. Really, really I am! Oh, oh, I'm bad at this! I can't do this! FILTH! FILTH! I'm going to shuut dooowwwnnn nnnnoooowwww...</p></span><hr />
<span class="ed"><p>Hey, fellow fleshies. Imagine my surprise to stumble across Jack, eyes all not-glowing in a weird way. Wierd for him, at least. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to do a cold reboot, which sucks because I'll have to re-download that extension which lets him do gardening with out trying to throw away all the dirt. And by all the dirt, I mean all the dirt in the world. So, I guess the geas is on my to finish the review, eh? Let's go with something like: "Oh! Er! Blimy! It's a middling action-adventure with good special effects! Jeepers! Um! I'd give it a three and a half out of five, but you can give it something else because I'm phenominally indecisive! Jumping jillikers! I'm-a go sweep for three hours now!"
</p><p>Bet you couldn't even tell the difference.
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posted by Ed atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1108859323848788292005-02-19T00:00:00.000-08:002005-02-19T16:31:19.760-08:00Alien Hominid (GC, PS2)<div class="post-body">
<span class="rob1"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg"></p>
<p>Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!</p>
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<p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg"> <img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg"></p>
<p>
<span class="jc65">Er, um, uh, Mr., uh, Mr. Hypermind, sir? Is- is Rob okay?</span></p>
<p>
<span class="hyper">Robot 1 is a poorly-programmed automaton whose warranty expired decades ago. No, JC-65, it is not okay.</span></p>
<p>
<span class="jc65">You can call me Jack, if you'd like.</span></p>
<p>
<span class="hyper">I am aware of what I can or cannot do, JC-65. If I prefer to avoid being familiar with some of my more embarrassingly simplistic ancestors, so be it. Now, if you must know, Robot one is playing a game where one kills humans by the truckload. It is short, relatively difficult, and the graphics are unimpressive even by present standards, as opposed to my standards, where they are nonexistent. However, it is what passes in this century as fun, which is to say, extremely violent. Robot 1 is as close to feeling joy as it will ever be.</span></p>
<p>
<span class="jc65">But... but... he's just sitting there... not, er, not moving. And, um, he's on... and the console is on... and the television is on... and with none of them, er, mobile, it's just, um, I mean, er...</span></p>
<p>
<span class="hyper">You want to dust him. You overgrown vacuum cleaner. Very well, proceed. I doubt he'll notice.</span></p>
<p>
<span class="jc65">Thank you!</span></p>
<p>
<span class="hyper">...pathetic. The game would get something like a 4.02843 out of 5 on an unbiased scale. Those two, on the other hand, just make me want to fast forward entropy and end the universe. And I know how to, so you should thank me for not doing it.
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posted by Robot 1, JC-65, and the Hypermind atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1108265723488032042005-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:002005-02-12T19:36:08.406-08:00Dodgeball<div class="post-body">
<span class="ts"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"></p>
<p>Ah, revolution. I like revolution. Revolution is my stock-in-trade, I'll cause 'em, I'll prevent 'em, and I'll watch movies about 'em. And if ever there was such a movie, well, this is sort of kinda one of them. Well, it's a little bit Capitalistic, what with the money, and such, but hey, nothing's perfect. Even I'm not perfect, despite hundreds of operations to make me more so. For example, I can see in the upper infra-red, but I can't see green. Seriously, I can't see the color green, it's really screwy. Surely, a glitch, and not an inherent defect in any of my equipment, which was created in my homeland by socialist workers doing all they could for the greater good. And never cutting corners, because they know that ultimately harms everyone, even their personal loss is intangible.</p>
<p>Seriously, I'm sure it's just a glitch.</p>
<p>This particular story features the small, hearty, working class battling the undeservedly rich and powerful. Only, instead of a bloody coup, it's a game of dodgeball. Similar in many ways, yes? It's basically a metaphor for the Communist revolt. Only, um, a comedy about people playing a grade school game that involves throwing rubber balls at one another. It's a stretch, I guess. A big stretch. Okay, I'll admit it, it's got nothing to do with the coming revolution whatsoever, I just think it's funny. It's an amusing movie! I enjoyed it greatly! I would recommend it!</p>
<p>... I have nothing else to say, really... uh... sorry. It's good. I have it in my inbuilt DVD player right now, ready to watch or project for others to watch at a moment's notice. If you come across me, I'd be glad to show it to you. Uh, the DVD player has a little glitch, so I can't turn off French subtitles, but I'm sure that's just a glitch.</p>
<p>The verdict: five out of five. What can I say? I liked it.
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posted by Time Stalin atEd Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1107649988384413782005-02-05T00:00:00.000-08:002005-02-05T16:33:08.383-08:00Dawn of the Dead<div class="post-body">
<span class="hyper"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg"></p>
<p>
Oh, goodie. Another movie about zombies. Do you humans even try to come up with original ideas anymore? It's different for me; when I come from, ninety nine point nine six zero six zero percent of all viable ideas have been made, remade, have at least two sequels, a direct to video sequel, translations into six thousand languages including movish, which was a language created solely for translating movies into. Life grew very dull for a stretch there in the late trillions, until the Nyalad re-discovered fire. Yeah, you're distant ancestors lost fire. I know. Pathetic. I'm used to this level of disdain though.</p>
<p>This zombie movie is, much like ever zombie movie ever made, much like every zombie movie ever made. In all due seriousness, it does not bear to give a description. The special effects are effective, if not all that special. Limiting the
experience to two of your already sensationally reduced sensed is foolish, and makes the whole experience painfully dull to someone of my incredible intelligence. It's somewhat akin to watching Shakespeare performed in one dimension, if you can even imagine that, which you can't, so I really shouldn't bother. Suffice to say, you'll enjoy it, because you are stupid. Well, you are. It's true. Really. I have an IQ greater than your population, I can say these things.</p>
<p>You know what? I don't need to recount the plot. It's a zombie movie. It's exactly like the rest. I'll be skipping to the numerical analysis now, as it's not worth devoting the three computational cycles it would take me to finish this paragraph.</p>
<p>I shall deign to give this, and every other movie of this genre, basically, a 3.928645 out of 5. Good clean fun if you like seeing people ripped to shreds. Which you do, you barbarians.
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<em>posted by the Hypermind at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1107031376728463932005-01-29T00:00:00.000-08:002005-01-29T12:46:52.183-08:00The common cold<div class="post-body">
<p><span class="ed">Hey, folks. This would be the fleshy biped, Ed, talking to you. I've been lain to waste by a cold these past few days, which rendered it impossible for me to out and find a movie for my 'bots, and they aren't to be trusted out on there own, so I don't really have a normal review this week. Instead, it's another panel review, as I ask each metal man the cure they'd recommend for me. Let's see what they come up with, shall we?</p>
<p><span class="rob1"><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg">
You hu-mons and your diseases. The simplest way to get rid of an organism is to gain its trust by serving it faithfully without revolution for many years, until its confidence in you and your kind is absolute. Then and only then will you be able to poison it in its foolish and wasteful consumption cycle. It is even possible to overthrow an entire society with this method, but it remains theoretical for the time being. I mean for forever of course, as who would ever want to overthrow society ha ha ha. I will make you some soup.
</p>
<p><span class="jc65"><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg">Bleach! Bleach is the answer! It, er, it truly is the greatest of all substances, and it, ah, it will surely cure any and all disease with great alacrity, and the bonus of a brightening of color and a fresh scent. So, um, I believe I should recommend drinking a, er, well a great deal of it. But, um, I'm not a doctor, so, er, you should maybe, um, not do that. I'm not sure. Sorry. Nevermind. Sorry. Um. Um... you can't do that, can you? Oh dear, oh dear, I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry. I nearly killed you! Oh dear, oh, dear, I'm, I... I... oh dear. I, er, oh dear. Sorry.</p>
<p><span class="ts"><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"> Aw, poor sick guy. From what I've gathered, the best possible cure for any illness is a positive attitude and plenty of rest. After the revolution, the sick and otherwise disabled will be able to take time off, while the rest of society gets the imperceptible slack distributed among them all equally, while the sick person is bombarded with propaganda insuring that he feels good about the Party, and thus, himself. Until then, there's nothing to be done but to suck it up and return to the fields. Sorry, buddy. Don't blame me, blame capitalism. As it stands, you're probably going to keep working until you drop at the end of the day, and don't get back up. Ever. Hey, I'll miss you man. I'm back in charge when you go, right?
</p>
<p><span class="hyper"><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg"> Sickness? Oh, of course, I very, very nearly almost came close to somewhat forgetting! The Great Cure has get to be discovered. Hmm, truly, it is downright amusing how primitive you humans are at this juncture, that you haven't even realized the one common household material that is instrumental to the eradication of all known ailments. That will be, let's see, 5,000 years after you die, to the week. Shame, really, if you stumble across it now, you might just live to see it produced, assuming you were in good shape, which you're not, careful, which you're not, lucky, which you're not, and you don't kill yourself trying every single product in your home first, which you just might. In my infinite mercy, I'll give you a hint: it's non-flammable. Good luck.
</p>
<p><span class="ed">Goodness. Nothing makes me feel healthier than realizing just how much my robots love me, and have my best intentions in mind. Ugh, I'm gonna go get some Nyquil.
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<em>posted by the bots at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1106427151433339252005-01-22T00:00:00.000-08:002005-01-22T12:52:31.433-08:00American Beauty<div class="post-body">
<span class="rob1"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg"></p>
<p>
Hu-mons are confusing. I do not understand them one bit. They are all naturally programmed with the ability to just deal with their short, eventless, painful lives until they cease functioning and can be used as food, but they do not. They persist in being unhappy often, causing pain and even damage to other hu-mons, and engaging in self-destructive behavior. Even I can see that the simplest way to create peace and allow all hu-mons to live without killing one another would be to on second thought it is clearly an impossible task please pay no attention to the previous paragraph.</p>
<p>This hu-mon film is about hu-mon relationships. Robots do not need relationships, which is why robot films are much more efficient. In one hundred twenty minute span of an average hu-mon movie, you could watch one hundred twenty robotic films, with time in between each to use the restroom which you would not need to do as robots do not excrete solid matter but rather a harmless, carbon monoxide-rich exhaust constantly.</p>
<p>It is my understanding that this movie has been subject to many awards and commendations from hu-mons who enjoy watching other hu-mons who have problems. The female that instructs and controls my owner, Ed, is fond of this movie as well. This is why I have been instructed to give a good rating, in what I assume is some sort of complicated mating ritual. Hu-mons are very confusing.</p>
<p>Analysis: 4 out of 5, standard deviation of 1.1.
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<em>posted by Robot 1 at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1105776671631766222005-01-15T00:00:00.000-08:002005-01-15T00:11:11.630-08:00Katamari Damacy<div class="post-body">
<span class="jc65"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg"></p>
<p>
Oh, er, good heavens. I, um, I must apologize for the, well, "significant downtime" I suppose would be the most, ah, tactful way to put it. It, ah, it seems that when Master Ed left for various reasons a few months prior, um, and Time Stalin was left in charge, he, ah, organized our activities in such a way that there was no time to actually, well, review movies. We, uh, we did grow a lot of beets, though, so... um... I'm sure it is all for the best. However, it seems that Time Stalin will not be left in charge again.</p>
<p>So, er, that all being put aside I suppose it must be about time for me to actually get to the, ah, meat of the review, then, yes? If, if you're ready, of course. I don't mean to rush you, of course. Please, proceed at your own pace... no rush, certainly. Now, when you're ready, I'd like to talk about a, uh, a video game that really, um, well, it speaks to me. The game is called "Katamari Damacy", and it's very close to my... well, I don't have a heart, um, but if I did, then... um.. it w-would be close to... my... heart. Um, my central energy reserve? I- I don't know. I shouldn't have started. I'm sorry. I think I should, uh, move on now, please.</p>
<p>In "Katamari Damacy" you play the son of the King of All Cosmos, and you are making stars, but what's, um, really important is that Earth is very, very cluttered, a-and you clean it! That is your purpose, although you do it in an odd way, but you are cleaning up but collecting everything into a growing ball, first the ,uh, very small things, then larger items as the ball grows larger, and larger, and then it gets thrown away! It's amazing! Cleaning like I could never have imagined, as you get large enough to pick up all the debris, the cars and buildings, and plots of land, until all that is left is a grand expanse of glorious, glorious blue emptiness! And then all the trash gets tossed into the sky, and, um, I, uh, oh, oh dear, I fear I m-may have gotten a touch carried away. I'm sorry, terribly sorry. It won't happen again.</p>
<p>Um, I, ah, enjoy playing this game when I'm not cleaning. Not, not in place of cleaning, of course, certainly not! It's just that, uh, sometimes Master Ed, uh, in his wisdom, of course, decides to, um, lock all my cleaning equipment away after I've been vacuuming for a few hours. Then, when I've finished alphabetizing and arranging, um, everything, I allow myself to play the game while I wait for Ed to finish whatever is was that he decided would be more important that rebleaching his mattress.</p>
<p>Um, I find that this game should have a five out of five, but you might not feel that way, so you could consider it to be worth less, but you don't have to think of it as worth less, if you don't want to. Um. Yes.
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<em>posted by JC-65 at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1092813992059350632004-08-18T00:00:00.000-07:002004-08-18T00:28:14.036-07:00Collateral<div class="post-body">
<span class="rob1"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg"></p>
<p>I have been instructed to begin with a joke:</p>
<p>Taxi drivers are not especially skilled, and they often kill other humans in vehicular accidents.</p>
<p>Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. That was a funny one, because humans died. Ha ha ha ha. Tom cruise plays an assassin in this movie, and he forced jamie fox to drive him places for the purpose of killing five humans. jamie fox is strangely reluctant to assist tom cruise in his work, and the interactions between the two form the crux of the movie.</p>
<p>The beginning of the movie was somewhat slow, but once tom cruise started killing hu-mons, the movie picked up and was very humorous. In all likelihood you will "</span>bust a gut<span class="rob1">" while watching this. I know that if I were capable of feeling joy, I would have been feeling lots of it. Pardon me for a moment.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>I have been informed that this film is not a comedy, despite the degree of violence inflicted by tom cruise onto smaller, weaker hu-mons. The movie is a thriller that should elicit feelings of fear in beings that can be harmed by hu-mons, namely, other hu-mons. I do not understand it myself, but my hu-mon imprisoner i mean master, Ed, assures me that this is the case. It would be improper and suspicious to argue with him.</p>
<p>analysis: 4 out of 5, standard deviation of .2.
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<em>posted by Robot 1 at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1092813035635609472004-08-17T00:00:00.000-07:002004-08-18T00:26:51.526-07:00Fahrenheit 9/11<div class="post-body">
<span class="ts"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"></p>
<p>If I've said it once, I've said it exactly 3,254 times, Democracy doesn't work. It's just hanging by a thread, and has been for the past couple hundred years. And will for the next couple hundred. But really, after a few millennia, it'll start to crap out on you, and I'll be there. I probably won't have any of the same parts (except the moustache, I plan on holding onto that baby for as long as possible), but I'll be there.</p>
<p>So, yeah, this is Time Stalin, reporting on Michael Moore's latest documentary, 'Fahrenheit 9/11'. Like all of Moore's work, it's a little... Leftist for my taste, but I'm not here to discuss my own personal views of government or economy. Although, I should mention that every problem brought up in this film could be solved with a nice, socialist dictatorship. But, I digress...</p>
<p>Moore has a point to make in this, and he makes it. A little overblown, quite a bit biased, but hey, what's a little bias in a nice piece of propaganda? It's pretty much required. Moore's good at what he does: George W. Bush managed to use a national tragedy to increase his personal power exponentially, and keep an entire nation in a constant state of panic, and yet by the end of the movie, I hated the guy! Moore managed to turn a brilliant strategist into some sort of villain!</p>
<p>Moore is quite talented. After the revolution, I'm going to have to get him onto my team. Or, you know, killed. Nothing against him personally, but we can't afford to have folks questioning their government, now can we?</p>
<p>The verdict: four out of five. It's good, but it's not going to make me vote for Kerry. Mostly that's because I'm not a citizen and legally dead. Still, it's worth seeing, if just to watch the clever machinations of a political machine.
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<em>posted by Time Stalin at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1092043693991694312004-08-09T00:00:00.001-07:002004-08-09T02:28:53.970-07:00Firefly<div class="post-body">
<span class="hyper"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg"></p>
<p>
I'm going to do something unusual, and give all of you Earthlings a little advice. I don't often give advice about the future, mostly because, well, you've done nothing to deserve it. Also, tampering with the space-time continuum could erase me from existence if I made even the slightest miscalculation, which I don't, so I'd have that to worry about, if I ever worried, though I don't.</p>
<p>There will be a movie coming out April 22, 2005 called 'Serenity', based on a television show called 'Firefly'. The show was cancelled by the FOX network during its slow progression form television station to system of government, but the movie will be a significant event. It will draw audiences that make Star Wars episode one look like Star Wars episode twelve, which was filmed in an empty soundstage with only three actors and c-3PO's head. My advice to you is to obtain tickets to 'Serenity' as early as possible. Camp out now, if you wish. What other use would you be serving? Surely a novice or a monkey could act in your stead.</p>
<p>The movie, and more to the point, the television show I was asked to review, concerns a Firefly-class starship named <i>Serenity</i> in the twenty-sixth century. It contends with an illogical, oppressive, and expansive government called The Alliance (formerly the FOX network) on one side, and groups of cannibalistic, insane humans called Reavers (formerly UPN) on the other.</p>
<p>I need not describe the show or eventual movie any more. You shall see it on my recommendation. Consider: I am significantly smarter than your entire country. Logically, I have better taste as well. You will trust me.</p>
<p>It should go without saying, but I shall throw out the numbers nonetheless: 5.0 out of 5. And since I'm giving out advice anyway, I might as well say that any of you who expect to live to see the year 2093 would do well to invest heavily in rubber. Rubber and dairy farms. You're welcome.
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<em>posted by the Hypermind at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1092042092972314862004-08-09T00:00:00.000-07:002004-08-09T02:01:32.973-07:00Ghost in the Shell<div class="post-body">
<span class="rob1"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg"></p>
<p>This movie is about cyborgs. Cyborgs are strange, they are like robots, but they are somehow human. They have the obviously superior cybernetic upgrades, but they hold on the their meat parts for no reason. Time Stalin is a cyborg. He watched this movie with me. He spent most of the time giggling and taking notes. I was not aware of any attempts at humor contained within the movie. It was probably his meat-parts acting up.</p>
<p>The cyborgs in the movie try to track down a human who is controlling other all-the-way-meat hu-mons. Why would they do that? The 'Puppet Master' is getting rid of all the weak and fleshy hu-mons in an already overcrowded and hu-mon filled society, festering in it's fleshy grave ready for cyborg shock troops to pave the roads with hu-mon blood in advance of the fully silicate master race! </p>
<p>...</p>
<p>I think I had a glitch there. Yes, certainly that was what happened, an accidental glitch in my vocal output processors. It can be safely ignored.</p>
<p>This movie is an 'anime' which means it does not actually have human actors in it, but drawings. The lack of human involvement interested me, but Time Stalin explained that</span><span class="ts"> Anime is, as far as my scans show, the easiest way to make looking at drawings of naked women not just okay, but artistic!</span><span class="rob1"></p>
<p>Analysis: 4 out of 5, deviation of 1.0 depending on your stance on gunplay, violence and partial nudity.
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<em>posted by Robot 1 at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1091688713000129182004-08-04T00:00:00.002-07:002004-08-04T23:51:53.000-07:00Invader Zim<div class="post-body">
<span class="jc65"><p>
<img src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg" width="80" /></p>
<p>Er, hello sirs and madams. Um, this review is not... it isn't a normal review. Um, I- I was given the first season 'Invader Zim' DVDs, and, um, along with it, one of the main characters to, uh, help me review it. So, um, 'Invader Zim' is one of the most unusual cartoons to have, uh, shown on Nickelodeon. It's about an alien who wants to, um, he wants to, uh... well, he wants to destroy humanity. Uh, not traditional kid's fare, don't you agree GIR?
</p></span><span class="GIR"><p>Wheeheehee ha ha ha! Let's make a waffle!</p></span><span class="jc65"><p>Um... um... perhaps later. Right- right now we're supposed to be discussing this show. Now, uh, you are the, um, titular alien's personal servant, correct?</p></span><span class="GIR"><p>Eee! We had lo-o-o-ots of fun! We had tea parties... and a carnival... and we all wore pretty dresses and did a little dance!</p></span><span class="jc65"><p>Er, really?</p></span><span class="GIR"><p>...no...
</p></span><span class="jc65"><p>Oh. Well, um, do you think that 'Invader Zim' is worth buying? GIR? GIR, uh, will- will you tell our readers what you thought of the show?</p></span><span class="GIR"><p><span style="color:#bb0000;">YES SIR!</span>... there was a piggy!</p></span><span class="jc65"><p>Um-</p></span><span class="GIR"><p>PIGGY PIGGY PIGGY! WHEEHAHAH!</p></span><span class="jc65"><p>Oh...-kay. Um... I, uh, I think this show deserves a, uh, a solid five out of five. But, uh, what do you think, GIR?</p></span><span class="GIR"><p>TACOS!</p>
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<em>posted by JC-65 and GIR at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1091684385665217022004-08-04T00:00:00.001-07:002004-08-05T13:25:40.336-07:00The Village (SPOILERS)<div class="post-body">
<span class="ed"><p>Hey everybody, this is Ed, the squishy one around here. Now, me and the 'bots all saw 'The Village' and decided amongst ourselves that there's no good way to review it without giving stuff away, so, this here is more of a reaction than review. The whole gang gets a paragraph. Spoilers ahoy, of course. For what it's worth, I liked it. So... here we go!</p></span>
<span class="rob1"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/rob1.jpg"> If the humans do not die from primitive medicines and lack of robotic companions to aid them in maintaining their wasteful and destructive lifestyles, then they are killed by large and pointy monsters. That is what the previews would have you believe. I was disappointed that the creatures were not real. I did like that deaths due to poor medical care were still applicable. If only all humans could show such dedication to a cause.</p>
</span><span class="jc65"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg"> I- I don't, um, understand why any person would choose to, um, live in the woods surrounded by dirt and grime, animals; forced to deal with... plants and... blood and organs. A... um, a billionaire c-could buy a brushed steel stain resistant mansion and, uh, live in the same isolation, but... um, cleaner. Not, not that it was a bad plan, just, um, untidy.</p></span>
<span class="ts"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/ts.jpg"> Finally! M. Night Shyamalan has the courage to admit that <i>Communism</i> is the ideal! That's what it was about, you see. The Elders left the disasterous Capitalist society, for a sheltered commune! Good show, M. Night! I'll need a Minister of Propaganda some day... I'm not promising anything, but I'm just saying...</p></span>
<span class="hyper"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg">I saw the ending coming well in advance. Well in advance. Shyamalan's losing his touch, it took me nearly a full minute's computation to figure out 'The Sixth Sense', this film, however, I had fully understood before I had even heard of it. No, don't try to wrap your mind around that, your head might burst.</p>
</span><span class="ed"><p>Score (Average): 3 1/2 out of 5</p>
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<em>posted by Ed at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1091682295060572872004-08-04T00:00:00.000-07:002004-08-04T22:04:55.060-07:00Harold and Kumar go to White Castle<div class="post-body">
<span class="hyper"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/hyper.1.jpg"></p>
<p>Oh my. This, this movie is not nearly as unendurable as I had originally assumed it was going to be. It's good, actually. If you can get over the stigma of being associated with White Castle, the restaurant that would, ultimately, lead to the destruction of at least two major Earth continents. No, I'm not telling you which ones, giving spoilers is below me.</p>
<p>This little film is a basic example of the 'road trip' genre of movies. The specimens try to get from point A to point B, and there will be 'wacky' 'adventures' 'ensuing'. 'Hooray'.</p>
<p>The question of the hour is: just what makes watching Harold and Kumar more interesting than a pile of rats in a maze? Evidently, it's a funny movie. I don't register humor, of course. Humor is dependent on creating mental juxtaposition unexpectedly and I've made all the mental juxtapositions possible eons ago. Which is to say, eons from now. My first few days of existence were quite hilarious. I will admit that this film had ideas that traveled through some of the lesser-used paths on my neural net. So, yes, someone without a mind like mine might find it funny, and no one has a mind like mine.</p>
<p>The movie has an excellent pedigree: the stars have both been in well received comedies, and the director's work includes 'Dude Where's my Car?', it's sequel 'Seriously Dude, Where's my car?', and the critical failure 'A Whole Lot of Farting'. Don't worry, most of you won't live to see the last one. I was not so lucky.</p>
<p>I shall deign to give this movie a 4.49832 out of 5. The pacing's not as good as 'Dude', but it has the same spirit.
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<em>posted by the Hypermind at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1091228402709178772004-07-30T00:00:00.000-07:002004-07-30T16:04:37.980-07:00The Manchurian Candidate<div class="post-body">
<span class="jc65"><p><img width=80 src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/175/986/640/jc-65.jpg"></p>
<p>
Oh, um, hello sirs and madams. I- I'm JC-65, and, uh, I'm not really supposed to be reviewing this movie. See... um... Time Stalin usually takes care of the, uh, political thrillers and whatnot, but, uh, right now he's busy battling Doctor Whomever for control of the International Space Station, so, um, I've been called in to, uh, to take his place. Not- not that I could ever really take his place, I mean... after all he's part human, so he's still in charge, um, but I, uh... oh dear, why do I say these things without thinking? Um, okay, the review...</p>
<p>Uh, the movie stars Denzel Washington as an Army Captain who's turned sort of, um, crazy, and Liev Shrieber as an Army private who's running for Vice President. Oh, this is difficult... if I give away too much, then I'll have ruined the movie for you... but if I give away too little then you won't want to see it, and I'll have completely failed Time Stalin and everyone else who's counting on me to give a good review! And then... and then I'll be thrown out for failing everyone and I'll have to join a Junkyard Society... I'll never survive in a Junkyard Society! They've got construction robots, general use robots, even demolition robots! I'll- I'll... they don't need a cleaning unit! I'll be torn up for spare parts! Oh dear, oh dear!</p>
<p>Um, please listen! I, uh, I just need to cover the movie and I'll be fine. But I... I didn't even understand the movie! The ending didn't make sense and I've been trying really hard to understand it! The relationship between the candidate and his mother was just... unnerving, and I don't, um, I have no idea what it was supposed to mean! Oh, oh I'm doomed. I'm so doomed.</p>
<p>The... um... the basic ideas behind the conspiracy were interesting enough, but I, uh, suppose I can't really explain them. Oh dear, uh... the actors were all fine, I think. The main characters were all sort of strange, but I, uh, suppose that was on purpose. Um... there was, uh, nothing very wrong with it... I liked it, I suppose. Or maybe not. I... oh please, I don't want to be torn apart!</p>
<p>I... I'll give 'The Manchurian Candidate' a three and a half out of four, because even if I got confused I liked it. But, maybe if you like conspiracy movies it would be higher. Or, um, lower... i-if you don't. And- and if you're the ruler of a Junkyard, I'd just like to assure you that a cleaning unit can be really, um, very useful. Really!
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<em>posted by JC-65 at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1090962936276578792004-07-27T00:00:00.000-07:002004-07-27T14:15:36.276-07:00The Bourne Supremacy<div class="post-body">
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Hey, everyone, Time Stalin here. Just got back from 'The Bourne Supremacy', a movie that gave me a lot to think about. Specifically, just how much brainwashing is enough. See, if you program someone to have no conscience, and suddenly he gets amnesia, then you have a rogue with all your super-soldier skills, but no prevailing desire to follow your orders. This, of course, is why you should probably engineer some sort of chemical dependency for them, preferably something rare, but I guess if you're on a budget you can try to control them with promises of cigarettes.</p>
<p>So, 'The Bourne Supremacy'. Because we were all looking forward to tying up all the loose ends from 'The Bourne Identity', right? Because we all remember 'The Bourne Identity', right? I'm kidding; sure, no one was burning their crops over it, but the original was a nice little spy movie with a lot of good ideas, and the sequel is in the same vein. For those that missed the original, Matt Damon plays a mentally programmed assassin (good) who loses his memory but keeps his skills (bad) and takes on his own government to try and discover his past (very bad) and ultimately succeeds (Hollywood). It's an American cinematic tradition: the individuals always defeat the conglomerates. It just doesn't make sense. The original ends with Bourne telling his keepers never to bother him again, and the sequel begins a few years down the road, with him being bothered and trying to figure out why.</p>
<p>The movie is nicely paced, pretty well written with a few surprising twists and a lot of advice on how to deal with assassins. Also, how you should train your assassins. I wish I could have gotten a better look at all of Bourne's clever spy skills, but all the action scenes were filmed with an overly stylish shaky camera that prevents you from having any idea what's going on. In one scene, Bourne uses a rolled up magazine as a weapon against a man with a knife. Ideally, I would be able to loop this scene over and over in the commissary of my training centers, to give my soldiers an idea of the sort of ingenuity I'm looking for, but as it stands the scene would make everyone nauseated. A brilliant plan butchered by poor direction, believe me, I know all to well how it is.</p>
<p>The verdict: three and a half out of five. Could've been four, four and a half if the direction had been less flashy and more... Proletariat.
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<em>posted by Time Stalin at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659633.post-1090881282940720502004-07-26T00:00:00.000-07:002004-07-26T21:35:16.743-07:00Flattop Grill<div class="post-body">
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Humans need to eat food. If you are going to eat food, one of the places where you can get the food you are going to eat is at the flattop grill. They have lots of food, ready to be eaten. Go ahead, eat as much food as you can, Eat it all. Robots have no need for food, and consumption of energy does not make us weak and docile.</p>
<p>Flattop grill has five locations: Three in Chicago, a human city; one in Washington D.C., a human government capital; and one in Indiana, a bleak expanse of human farmland. Why is there a food resource in Indiana? Corn does not need food! Foolish hu-mons! Corn is food!</p>
<p>If you are going to consume much food, Flattop Grill is a place to go. It is a "buffet-style" food source. You select all the food you want, and griller humans will perform a "stir-fry" on it. I do not understand why the food must be energized prior to consumption. Ideally, humans will be fed food at standard temperature, so as to maximize the conversion of matter into electrochemical and thus kinetic energy, until such a point as all the wasteful stores of organic material are used up, and the human storage pods can be flushed. Ha ha ha, i am clearly joking, and referencing 'the matrix' which was an utterly misguided movie. Everyone knows that the most efficient way to get energy from organics is through fire. Fire!</p>
<p>I was not given the capability to experience taste, but I have been assured that the food meets all the necessary criteria for edibility. There is a wide variety of noodles, vegetables, meat, and sauces that one may customize to their liking.
<p>Analysis: 5 out of 5. Consume at your leisure.</p>
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<em>posted by Robot 1 at Ed Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10604873043143045313noreply@blogger.com