Review Spew

Totinos Pizza review

2009-11-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

Is there a better food item in this world besides pizza? The answer is no. It is the perfect combination of all 9 food groups: meat, dairy, bread, possible vegetables/fruit, meat, oils, and stuffed crust. Honestly, one could get their entire daily intake of nutrition by eating one large supreme pizza. Now, some of you might be saying that you wish you could get all the joy of eating pizza without spending 18 dollars at papa johns. Well mister or mistress, today is your lucky day.

Now I know I'm not breaking out any revelations about Totinos existence. If you are male and have ever had a sleepover or gone to college you are very familiar with the tiny pepperoni goodness. Totinos really just might be the bachelors best friend. Just be careful you don't overdose Totinos and combine it with Mountain Dew and World of Warcraft, otherwise you are headed down a very lonely, obese road.

Totinos and I go way back. It was a scandalous affair while it lasted but I had to finally commit and get married. Now my wife won't let me touch the stuff. She says the mini pizzas are too high in sodium. Totinos is definitely the one that got away. When my wife and I go grocery shopping, I pause at the freezer section and fog up the glass door. I then have to lie to my wife and tell her that Totinos means nothing to me...

Now why is Totinos so good? I wish I knew. It has everything going against it. Basically there is too little cheese, The "sauce" is basically just food coloring coating the crust, and the crust basically becomes the equivalent of an aerated cracker when it's cooked. That list doesn't sound tempting but somehow when you throw the tiny juicy square pepperonis, it becomes magic! Oh and being 88 cents doesn't hurt.

It's almost impossible to not eat one of these pizzas if you want "fast" food, it takes around 12 minutes to cook or if you wanna eye it, just take it out when the the pizza becomes 2D. Though do your best not to burn it. And if you do burn any part of the pizza just discard it, don't worry it's only 88 cents. Scientists have actually discovered that they can process fossil fuels by scraping the bottom of a burnt Totinos crust. Good for your car but not good for your gut. Now, if you wanna get crazy you can add some extra shredded cheese to your pizza. I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't hurt the taste.

Now, if anyone can tell me what the sausage is supposed to be in the combination pizza I would love to know. I wouldn't say it's inedible but it's definitely not sausage.

I give Totinos pizzas 4 stars because it is fantastic but now I feel guilty for eating them.

Super 8 Motel Review

2009-11-09T05:00:00.014-07:00

I don't travel all that often, but I'm as old as Moses so I have found myself looking for a place to rest my head for the evening, other than my own bed, on several occasions. Oh, and I'm cheap so almost all of those places have been 1/2 star accommodations at best. This last Friday I found myself in the thriving metropolis of Rexburg Idaho. Yes, it's as small as it sounds. I was pleased as punch to find that there was a Super 8 Motel in Rexburg. Out of all the places I've stayed at, I think Super 8 Motels have been the best of the worst.

I've stayed at Super 8's in Manassas Virginia, San Antonio Texas, Indianapolis Indiana, Vancouver Canada, Los Angeles California, Salt Lake City Utah, Burley Idaho and now Rexburg Idaho. I've enjoyed my stay at each and every one.

Price-wise they are a little more than Motel 6, but they are infinitely better. I absolutely hate Motel 6, but that is a different review. Almost every Super 8 has an indoor pool and hot tub. They are all clean. The beds have been comfortable, the rooms sufficiently big. Some even have recliners in them. They have bath/showers rather than just shower closets, so that's a bonus. Cable, WiFi and Continental Breakfast is all included. I didn't have a black-light with me, but lets be honest, who wants the results of that? I wouldn't want to put a black-light on my own bed let alone a motel bed.

Now in rating Super 8 I'm going to do so in the fairest way possible which is rate it compared to other motels of its class. They are not ideal. They are not all that great really. They are not even as good as 2-star accommodations. BUT compared to the other motels that match this description, Super 8 is 5 star all the way. If you have $75 or less to spend for a room for the night, I would recommend Super 8, every single time.

Panda Express Orange Sauce Review

2009-11-04T16:00:00.002-07:00

Do you enjoy waiting in line for your food? How about the realistic odds that you'll contract swine flu from a poorly washed food tray? Do you enjoy "sorta-authentic Asian food" that is cooked by non-Asians? How about dropping 9 dollars for a 2-choice Chinese plate with drink? Perhaps you really appreciate small tables while eating so that phone conversations by strangers and quaint body odor invade your lunch?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, the product I'm reviewing today is not for you. Close the window and leave now.

If you're still here, you are like me. You like Panda Express orange chicken, but don't care for the whole Panda Express "experience."

You know, I think I'm understating how much I like orange chicken. I LOVE orange chicken. We're talking bathe in the sauce-love. If they had orange chicken sauce soap dispensers at Bath and Body Works, I'd be bankrupt.

I actually don't live near a Panda Express anymore. I don't even remember liking orange chicken as much when I did live near Panda Express. Perhaps absence makes the heart (and stomach) grow fonder.

While walking recently through Costco, I found the answer to the heathen prayers of my gut. Panda Express makes an orange chicken sauce in the bottle. Even better, it comes in the "are you freaking serious" size at Costco.

I wanted to wheel the entire pallet into my car for years of orange chickeny goodness, but the wife suggested we sample it before such a large commitment is made.

Unfortunately, there are no recipe ideas on the bottle. You're flying blind here. This led to my first test case of marinating some chicken in the sauce while cooking in the crock pot. While fairly tasty, this concoction did not taste anything like the quasi-Asian fare I was expecting. Obviously some breading was necessary.

On the next try, I took some raw chicken, and dipped it into raw egg, and then a flour/cornstarch/salt/pepper mixture. Then I fried the chicken in some Vegetable oil. You could probably fry in a wok/pan with any oil of your choosing.
In a separate pan, I warmed a decent amount of the orange sauce. After the fried pieces of chicken were drained of grease, I dropped them in the warm sauce, stirred, and let sit for a couple minutes.
I patiently awaited the rice cooker's tell-tale beep of white fluffiness, and topped the rice with the orange chicken goodness.

To be honest, it is VERY close to the orange chicken you'd get at Panda Express. The sauce has a pretty "vinegary" smell/taste, and does have some spicy pop.

For those that don't want to mess with cooking crap, I suppose you could throw some chicken nuggets in the oven, and roll them in some sauce. I may just try this to save time/dirty dishes next time.

Overall, the 5 dollars or so I spent will yield about 4 full meals for my family. It would probably yield 8 meals for someone who is less gluttonous than me. Supposedly there are other sauces sold by Panda express, but really---does anyone care for anything but the orange chicken?
I give the Panda Express orange chicken sauce 4 tangy stars out of 5.

"Shower Time With Jim" Barbie Review

2009-11-02T05:00:00.017-07:00

My two youngest children take baths in the master bathroom every evening. I’m not sure why this is, but I think it has something to do with their oldest brother declaring his enjoyment of peeing while in the shower. So they, quite innocently and naively, bathe in my shower completely unaware that I also pee in the shower. As these two are under the age of nine I will often find things when I get into the shower each morning; items like matchbox cars and army men

Last Monday I was quite shocked to find a redheaded Barbie doll in the shower. AND SHE WAS COMPLETELY NUDE!!!! Being a guy I thought of a clever way to amuse my wife. Hence, each morning after putting the kids on the bus, she steps into the shower to find a redheaded Barbie doll in some kinky sexual position. I know, my humor tends to lean in that direction

(CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE)

Although I’ve had daughters for over 16 years, I haven’t taken the opportunity to play with the dozen or so Barbie Dolls that reside at my house. That is until now. I don’t know about the other Barbie Dolls but this one, which I have dubbed “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie is great

CLICK HERE FOR ADDITIONAL IMAGE

Red hair gives any woman (plastic, real or real with plastic enhancements) a star. For just being drop dead gorgeous, having a nice rack, and extruding raw sexuality I give her a 2nd star. For making me not feel self conscious about my obesity and hairy body I give her a 3rd star.

But there are drawbacks. She is no where nearly as pose-able as I would have liked and was therefore pretty limited in what I could do with her. Also, although it is red, her hair is made of some funky material that is hard to braid, put up into a bun or just plain manage at all. So for those two short-comings, the “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie only scores 3 stars.

BARBIE IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF MATTEL INC. Mattel does not endorse, support and hopefully doesn’t even know about Review-Spew.com. “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie is not an actual product of Mattel Inc. The pictures herein were produced and used without permission of Mattel Inc. All models depicted herein are over the simulated age of 18. The management of Review-Spew.com does not condone the grooming and abuse of Barbie Dolls or any Mattel product. All consent and release forms have been signed and are on file with the management of Review-Spew.com. Shower responsibly. “Shower Time With Jim” Barbie is now fully clothed and residing in her house in Malibu. She’s recovering quickly from her ordeal.

Paranormal Activity Movie Review

2009-10-28T08:00:00.001-06:00

I have decided to get into film making. I made some pretty scary movies when I was in junior high that I think could make millions. I say this because Paranormal Activity only cost the director $11,000 to make and it has since made over 60 million! I think he even shot it in his house. My movie isn't quite as subtle as a haunting story though. It centers around a man who was getting his picture taken at Yellowstone sulfur pits and he backed up too far and melted. He now massacres Japanese tourists taking pictures. His name is "Killgore." Pretty original name I know.

Paranormal Activity has come out of nowhere this past month and has relied on good word-of-mouth advertising to become a huge success. It is very reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project, which is why I will be comparing them.

If you watch the preview for PA you will see movie audiences getting freaked out, mostly girls and guys with turtlenecks, that is. It gives little to no information about the actual movie. I'll break it down without giving any spoilers. A couple has decided to film themselves at night to find out what has been going bump in the night. As they provoke whatever is haunting them, the hauntings get worse. Yeah, that's it in a nutshell.

Now for the question. Is it actually scary? Yes, it relies on building suspense and watching the couple in tense, unexplainable situations. Over half of the movie is the couple during the day talking about what happened the night before. This can get tedious. They bicker back and forth and you hope that at least one gets killed off. Thankfully the boyfriend can actually be funny. So a few good scares and laughs is worth it. The best bits of the movie are when the camera is set up in their bedroom at night and the fun begins. Not that kind of fun, perverts. The reason this movie and the blair witch are scary is that you don't really see what is out to get you. The movie builds up to a great climax but sadly gives you a cheap scare to close it off. I wish it ended more like Blair Witch, who could forget that ending where they were running through the abandoned house with the handprints and screaming and children laughing....and then Mike is standing facing the corner. Oh, I get the chills just thinking of it.

For those of you who complain of motion sickness, you might get a little nauseous, but it's nothing compared to cloverfield or blair witch. The acting is much better in paranormal than blair witch as well. Yes you might get annoyed with the couple and wish they had a brain between them, but at least they aren't playing hot potato with the camera saying "Where's the F%#in' map!" "I don't F#%ing have the F$%ing map!" "Who has the F$*in' map?!" "Is that Dora?" "She has the F$%#ing map!" In short, the dialogue is tolerable in Paranormal Activity.

Basically this is one scary movie because it hits you where you feel the safest - Home. I honestly was afraid to sleep alone that night. Don't take your wife to this movie if you want her to ever feel safe at home. Is it a good film? Not really. There is little to no plot. But it is definitely effective at providing lasting chills. Plus, There is no better movie to get you into the Halloweener spirit.

I give Paranormal Activity 3 emotional scars out of 5.

Sonic chicken strip meal for $3.99 Review

2009-10-26T14:00:00.000-06:00

Sonic has a lot going for it. First, it has some of the best drinks of any fast-food joint in the country. Secondly, their commercials are truly hilarious. Thirdly, if you're a perverted middle-aged man who enjoys cute underage girls in roller skates brininging you food--this is the place. Fourth, the food....nevermind. Fourth, the atmosphere...nevermind. Fourth, they have really good salt packets.

On second thought, Sonic sucks. If you're not into good drinks or jailbait, there really isn't a reason to even stop by.
Speaking of this whole "roller-skating" window service---doesn't this negate the entire concept of a fast food restaurant? I want one of two things from a fast-food place:

Either I get my food from the drive-thru in a short time, and don't have to interact with the employees for more than 15 seconds
or
I order my food in the restaurant and only want the employees to take my order and give me my drink cup so I can sit down in solitude.

Having a pimply-faced teenager stick a food tray on my window goes against all that I hold dear in my patronage.

So are the drinks good enough to sway an unwilling customer to order their food??? I suppose they were for me.
I stopped at the Sonic drive-thru, ready to drop a 2-spot on a large Coke with delicious crunchy ice, and noticed that they had a chicken finger basket for $3.99. You get 4 chicken fingers, 2 pieces of toast, country gravy, fries, and onion ring, and a medium drink. (which I promply upsized to a large) 2 dollars more to get all this food in addition to my drink? Sign me up!

(I didn't get my onion ring by the way...I think the onion ring is like the nerdy tag along kid of the "side-items" family. Nobody really pays attention to him and he rarely gets ordered, but every now and again, you'll get a rogue onion ring with your fries like he's trying to fit in. Dude...I don't care what you get dressed up in---you're still an onion.)

Let's just say that I don't even remember eating the food it was so forgettable. Was it good? Was it bad? I don't know....I don't remember anything about it. Unfortunately, this probably speaks more to the quality of the food being on the poor side. WAIT!!!---I do remember asking for a tub of honey mustard....I think.

If you're hungry, and jonesing for a Sonic Coke, the chicken strip basket is probably worth your while to stop in. If you only want a Sonic drink, I suggest waiting until their "happy hour" (2-4pm) where their drinks are half-price.

I give the chicken strip dinner a 3-star rating....the Coke was delicious, and crappy food for 2 dollars is a much better price than all the other crappy fast food joints.

Swine Flu Review

2009-10-22T05:00:00.011-06:00

This is part two of my unintentional two-part review regarding the Swine Flu. In Part 1 I reviewed the anti-viral drug Tamiflu. I posted that at 5AM last Monday. Forty hours later I had a fever of 103 and could speak fluent Portuguese.

First of all, as far as the flu goes, this thing has it all. It has it's standards, you know the fever, the aches, chills, sweats, dizziness, nausea and for that I give it two stars. But it does so much more than that.

I have to give it a third star for the ferocious manner in which it inflicted me. I woke up Tuesday morning feeling just fine and dandy. I spent most of the day dealing with what I thought was some soda-pop that went down my wind-pipe, in other words, a minor cough. I left work that evening around 6PM, still feeling fine but starting to get annoyed with the cough. By 10PM my chest was killing me, my nose was all stuffy, the room was spinning and I couldn't stand. By midnight I was caught up in the full ravishes of the Swine Flu.

Only the most wicked of ailments will torment me with memories of Mr. Moyle. Mr. Moyle was a substitute algebra teacher I had in the 8th grade. After he cracked a kid across the back with a yardstick I spoke up and said, "HEY. You can't do that." The room grew silent. He slowly walked around behind me and whacked me across the back with the yardstick also. I weakly said something like "I'm going to tell" and he said something about them not believing me and I lost all my nerve and never told. So kudos to you Swine Flu because you sent me back to the 8th grade being abused by Mr. Moyle. You just scored a 4th star.

But no other sickness, fever, or illness has ever done what the Swine Flu managed to do to me. Never before in my entire life have I been robbed of my desire for the Holy Trifecta. Maybe one of those desires; sometimes even two, but never all three of them at the same time. Yes, it's true. For several days there I lost all the drive, and all the desire for food, sex and TV. Damn you Swine Flu. You are the very best and the very baddest bug on the planet right now and my hats off to you sir. You have earned my first five star rating. I hope you choke on it!

Craigslist Review

2009-10-19T20:52:00.003-06:00

I have always hated the garage sell, the goers, the sellers, and the entire concept of weeding through people’s old crap looking for a bargain. Problem is, I am a cheap bastard which forces me into this world that I despise. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate a deal or trying to make back a few bucks on that exercise equipment that has literally been used zero times, it is because of the culture. Yard sells have now morphed into a more insidious animal, one that brings this culture to a new low. This animal is Craigslist. I can pretty much break my issues down to 4 basic categories of disgust.

1. The Looky Loo. This guy is always in search of everything, problem is, he never finds anything that will separate him from his cash. He will call you, email you, setup time to check out your crap, but never, ever will he buy anything. Deep down, he knows he doesn’t have a dime and has no business looking, but he persists under the guise that he is an interested party. I really think he is just looking for some companionship and someone to B.S. with. Just try to sell a weight set. You will have 10 Looky Loos tell you how much they used to bench yet never make an offer on your set.

2. The Undercutter. This person will push a good deal to the point of insult every time they make an offer. I have a perfect case-in-point for this one. Consider a large community sell that I participated in as a seller a couple of years ago. First off, I don’t sell junk, if it isn’t nearly new, I give it to Goodwill or throw it in the trash. That being said, I had a toilet cozy set for sale. You know, the little carpet mat that goes around the base of the toilet with the matching seat cozy. I am not a fecal flinging freak so obviously this was a brand new set still stapled to the cardboard. It must not have matched the towels or was a horrible wedding gift, I don’t recall which, but it didn’t work with our ensemble...so out it went. I had just spent 20 min. with a Looky Loo explaining the intricate specs of a sound system that I was giving away for $25. I lost the sale. Must have been the fact that I was asking 5% of its real value or that I didn’t have a Sir-Mix-A lot demo tape to show off the teeth chattering bass. Anyhow, a lady walks up and starts looking at the potty carpet. She turns it over and over again and then starts pulling at the individual fibers. She studies it for at least 5 min. I am watching… and waiting for it. Oh yeah, did I mention that I was asking $1 for it. After pealing at some of the backing she finally says, “Some of the carpet is coming out of this, would you take 50 cents?” I said, “It’s ok, you can just have it for free if you want it.” To my surprise, she gets angry and says “I don’t want it for free, I want it for 50 cents”. OoooK. “Give me both of those shiny quarters then.” After finding change for her dollar bill, she took her change and the commode sweater and left knowing she got the best of me.

3. The Hit and Run. These people send emails out to roughly 1000 people a week inquiring about ads. No matter how quickly you respond or what you say in your response, these people will never respond to email. They hit you with email and never again return communication. This one is a complete mystery to me but I imagine this is the email equivalent of impulse buying a Big Mac 30 min before dinner and then hiding the wrapper under the car seat so your spouse won’t know. Freaks.

4. The spammer. If you have ever posted on Craig’s List then you are familiar with the email that says something like “I noticed your ‘whatever’ ad and wanted to show you how, with a few tweaks, you could get a lot more money for said item.” or “don’t sell your stuff for cash, earn more money from home now”. I have gotten excited one too many times thinking I had a response to my ad only to find out that it is Spam. Spamming should be punishable by death, and will be if I ever rule the world.

Most of my problems with garage sells translate directly to Craig’s List, because really, it is its modern day incarnation. To alleviate some of the pain, I generally only buy. Though, in the recent past I have been required to do some selling. When I buy, I never offer less money than they ask unless I really think it is overpriced. If it is fair and in good condition, I just pay them the fair price that they are asking. When selling, I always ask way too low a price hoping people will recognize the deal they are getting and just pay me quickly and get the Hell out of my house. To my dismay, the latter strategy has proven useless. I now know that no matter what you ask, people ALWAYS offer less. If you are a buyer, I say Craig’s List is fantastic; you have no consequences for your crimes. You can grab a bargain with little effort. If you are a Seller, really evaluate how much time you have to spend and how well you can tolerate the above mentioned people. You will likely eventually sell, but end up hating another 20% of the population in the process. What can you do? Barter on my fellow cheapskates.

State Fair review

2009-10-16T09:00:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago I had the "occasion" to venture into the state fair. Don't ask me why but my wife and I have made it tradition to go for the past four years. It's very possible we're sado-masochists(or just closet white-trash). Now it's seems odd that I'm reviewing state fairs in general. I would tell you the specific state that held the fair, but does it really matter? I believe state fairs are the exact same white-trash havens from sea to shining sea.

Let me break state fairs down for ya. A fair cannot be complete without the 4 C's. No, I don't mean cut, clarity, color, etc. I mean (C)arnies, (C)rappy food, (C)ows, and (C)atastrophe waiting to happen.

Let's start with the Carnies. We all know the type. When I think of them I get terrifying visuals of the characters of Something Wicked this Way Comes. Though something has changed in the last ten years. There must have been some pretty intense customer service training. Now, instead of walking through the "coin flip" game alley with grimacing looks and chewing tobacco being spit on me from employees at every side. Now they are Carnies: The Next Generation. I am greeted by smiles in every direction. Though the smiles don't exactly say "Welcome to the fair, will you please ride the ferris wheel I built yesterday?" Instead their sneering grin says "You sucker, you paid 10 bucks to eat bad food and get diarrhea while fearing for your life on makeshift rides..."

If you wanna satisfy your morbid curiosity you can visit the obligatory sideshow. The featured exhibit this year was the world's smallest woman. This may sound like a good thing to see but once you realize you just paid money to stand in line and look at a human being, you realize the ridiculousness of it. And it's a little shameful to boot. Now if it were a she-male, that would be a different story.

The second C is Crappy Food. And by crappy I mean expensive and it tastes like Sh@#. Your choices for fine fair cuisine are either a navajo taco for 8 dollars, a slice of pepperoni pizza that contains more grease than the hair of the guy selling it, or a foot long corn dog that is guaranteed to give you food poisoning before you see the fair's hypnotist.

Every time I go to the fair I need to see the farm animals. Though once I do I rush through it as soon as possible. Did I really just spend 10 dollars to stand in a barn that is drenched in sheep urine? But it's always a treat to see the prize winning pig and think, you're gonna be bacon and you're gonna be delicious. See ya at Dennys.

The final C is for Catastrophe. This consists of all the rides that the fair offers. I'm not saying there are accidents every day but tell me how you can feel safe riding upside down on something that can be packed up in a truck. The day of reckoning will come for these carnival rides and it will be bloody. I must say that demolition derbies are a guilty pleasure of mine, I really am white trash. There is nothing like seeing two cars that reek of gasoline crash into each other and give the crowd the car-nage they need. I kid you not, I swear that I saw my '96 Ford Taurus that I traded in for cash for clunkers in the last derby. And it did very well.

Speaking of catastrophe, the band playing at the fair this year was Boys 2 Men. Yes, on bended knee and all. How far the mighty have fallen.

So I made it out of the fair alive, but I was 100 dollars poorer and smelled of goat urine. All in all it was a 2 star trip. Not the blue ribbon experience I was hoping for.

Black Jack Taco from Taco Bell review

2009-10-14T14:00:00.005-06:00

The math geeks at Taco Bell are at it again. They know that they can release a "new" product every 2 months using the same ingredients that they've kept in the restaurant since 1993. They have calculated the number of permutations until they have to add a new ingredient into the mix. At the rate Taco Bell releases "new" food items, it will be 2018 before they have to throw in something new...like real meat. I've discussed this in the past in my other (basically defunct, but completely hilarious) blog in describing laws of the universe. If you're interested in a good read---click here!!

The "new" item in restaurants now is the Black Jack taco. They've taken a black crisp taco shell and filled it with their quasi-meat, pepper jack sauce, lettuce, and cheese. As in all Taco Bell items, you should probably douse the item with at least 3 Hot sauce packets---Not mild or Fire. Hot. By the way, put some Hot sauce on a dirty penny. 15 minutes later, wipe off the Hot sauce, and then stop wondering why explosive diarrhea is synonymous with Taco Bell food.

To be honest, this taco tastes almost identical to the other fare on the menu. If it was any more than 89 cents, I wouldn't ever purchase this again. Luckily, it is the same price as a regular taco. So if you're interested in getting 10 grams of fat more for the same price and taste---be my guest!!

A question some are raising is the reasoning behind the Black Jack taco. Is this a Halloween theme? Perhaps they want to use a play on words with the sauce to coincide with the Poker championships on ESPN? Are the closet rascists correct in stating that Taco Bell paid off a bunch of Nobel prize voters?
Regardless of the reasoning, I think Michael Jackson said it best. "It doesn't matter if you're black or white." Black taco shell, white taco shell....it's pretty much the same taste.

I think the best question to be asked, is whether you think 5 dollars of Black Jack tacos will have any effect on the long-term health of your colon.

If you are a person who could rate an item from taco bell 5 stars, then you might as well give this one 5 stars as it tastes basically the same. Unfortunately, Taco Bell food barely scrapes its way to a 1-star rating----but the cheap price tag boosts this one up a star. The Black Jack taco gets a 2-star anal spew rating. Eat up...and bring a book to the bathroom.

Tamiflu Review

2009-10-12T05:00:00.016-06:00

I really feel bad for the National Pork Society or the Organization for the Promotion of Pork Products or whatever the group is that is responsible for promoting the benefits of Pork products because they failed and failed badly. Despite a full throttle push to get us to call it the N1H1 Virus I do believe it will forever be called The Swine Flu, and it should be. In my opinion The Swine Flu sounds more scary. It instills images in peoples’ minds of something hideous like the pig monster at the end of Swamp Thing.
Whatever you want to call it, the Swine Flu sucks. One of my sons got it and quickly after that, another son got it. I had never seen either of them so sick before and I must admit it scared the crap out of me. When the second kid got it, the doctor put the whole family on Tamiflu.

For the adults and older kids it was a complete no brainer. You have to take a pill twice a day for five days. No problem whatsoever. It was kind of spendy as far as prescriptions go though. It was incredibly effective as the boys started feeling much better within a day or two.

The liquid form for the smaller kids was a nightmare all by itself. First, its in short supply and after going to 3 different pharmacies and not finding it, I called around and the fourth pharmacy I called finally had a supply of it. Second, it smelled rancid and it's thick and gelatinous. Thankfully it only needs to be taken twice a day, but it was darn near impossible to get them to take it that often.

My wife went and got the bubblegum flavoring added to it, which is a must, just so it at doesn't smell so bad. It did little for the flavor though. I finally figured out what needed to be done and that is pour out the dosage and then add a touch of water to it to thin it out so they can drink it more like a shot then trying to get them to slurp down bubble gum smelling phlegm.

Despite being expensive and really difficult to get your younger kids to take, Tamiflu is a lifesaver. It made those of us that were ill, better and I'm sure prevented the rest of us from getting what was a horrible case of the flu. I give it 4-stars. If you or someone you love has the Swine Flu then you should give it a try.

NOS energy drink Review

2009-10-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

I'll admit that I'm not a huge energy drink connesuir. I rely mostly on natural endorphins and a cocktail of Adderall, quaaludes, and fish oil to get the body rolling in the morning.
The taste is the biggest deterrent to my energy drink sabbatical. I'm sure that others have become accustomed to the taste of most energy drinks, and are ready to make the natural leap to childrens Tylenol as the flavor is very similar.

A friend swears by the NOS, and suggested that I give it a try as he promised the taste was not the death knell like other energy drinks.

I chose the original NOS, which came in a 16 oz can, and has a "citrus-like" taste. They also now make grape and fruit punch in case you want to reminisce about your childhood when you enjoyed otter-pops on a sunny afternoon.
To be honest, the taste was not that bad. Imagine you took some soda water, and added a bunch of Tang...and threw in some aspirin for the patented energy drink "bitter taste." The after-taste was not overpowering, as the drink is quite sweet. I hear there is a sugar-free NOS, and might try this in the future.

The drink is heavy in taurine, caffeine, and ginseng, and did not disappoint. The "kick" was noticeable, and gave me an instant "zip." It's like I turned into "super-engineer." My fingers flew across the keyboard, I started seeing circuit diagrams in purple 3-D, and added a few extra pens to my pocket protector for good measure. NOS is kind of like my spinach to Popeye, except it didn't increase my strength, masculinity, or help me score a chick named Olive Oil.

I do have a serious question about the marketing campaign for the drink. I realize that they are equating NOS to the gas which helps engines create more horsepower. They'd like me to have visions of Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson drifting around turns while the police are completely oblivious to a couple thousand people drag racing on city streets.
Call me old school, but hearing the word NOS brings completely different visions to my mind. I think of tweakers in Prodigy shirts with glow-in-the-dark necklaces bouncing around in old warehouses to a little house trance music while sucking liquid power out of a balloon. (I exceeded the suggested count of prepositional phrases in this sentence)
I also am reminded of the dentist, as he goes to town on my bicuspid with a monster drill....all the while, my mind wondering if my legs are floating.

Luckily, the net effect of NOS is nothing like the dentist or balloon-sucking. In fact, I kind of feel like the original fast and furious...you know, the one with Vin Diesel. I'm kind of like Vin Diesel...if he were 75 pounds lighter, had a little Buddha gut, and had more Jewish features and hair all over his body. Oy Vey.

NOS is pretty good...especially if you aren't used to the "boost" in the morning from caffeine. There was a decent 3 hour stretch where I could feel colors, and smell numbers. Neo had nothing on me. Unfortunately, the elevated heart rate and subsequent energy crash were a little troubling. Perhaps I could eat a Big Mac with my NOS...with the 2 canceling each other out.

I give NOS a decent 3-star rating. It's not as bad as Tokyo drift, but not as good as the original Fast and the furious.

Fatwallet.com Website Review

2009-10-02T10:00:00.003-06:00

The time is nigh at hand when I will purchase 100% of my Christmas gifts online. Every year I come closer to the goal of sitting on my fat ass for the entire Christmas shopping season while tired Mothers awake at 4AM the day after Thanksgiving, worried husbands shop on Christmas eve at the Flying J, and panicked parents pay exorbitant costs for the last scraps of toys on the shelves.

If you despise most of the human population as I do, you definitely need to follow my lead, and become a regular visitor to fatwallet.com. This website should be one of your main sources of information when searching for online deals and coupons.
This isn't one of those coupon sites where you'll find the same lame coupon for free shipping at Old Navy either. This is like having a buddy who has all the answers to the tests in college. You can't believe how lucky you are to be on the "inside."
The staff at fatwallet have put together a smorgasbord of coupons, cash-back, and forums where users share their deals.
While the coupons are OK...this is not the bread and butter of the site. The forums generate an extremely high amount of "deals" that are posted by users of the site.
For example, if I found a closeout on drugstore.com for Durex pink glow-in-the-dark condoms which were only a couple months past their expiration date, I could post this deal on the "hot deals" forum. The users could comment and rate how good the deal is. Personally, I wouldn't pay more than 5 bucks for a box of used condoms...but that's just me.
The unfortunate thing with the site lies in the irony of the website name. After spending a decent amount of time on the site, you'll have nothing resembling a fat wallet. Quite the contrary. Your newegg, Visa, and Amex accounts will definitely be inching higher after you find a sweet deal on a 50" Plasma, I-roomba vacuum, and Omaha steaks. (BTW...Omaha steaks are well known to renege on an online deal, and their name should be spoken with vile and distrust around the forums. I once thought I had a sweet deal on a grundle-load of steaks and burgers only to be virtually slapped in the face with a cancellation notice.)

Also nice on the site is the cash-back feature. When you make a purchase from a partner website, you can earn anywhere from 1-10% cash back on your purchase.
There are also multiple forums for financial advice, free crap on the Internet, and how to get free dinner at golden corral if you have no arms or legs. (OK, I made that last part up, but don't you think you could get free dinner anywhere if you had no arms or legs? I'm just saying that you should look at the silver lining)
In fact, you'll find a future review for a "free item" I am receiving from PETA. It's so freaking awesome, I think I just peed my pants a little.

Needless to say, I score sweet deals on toys, electronics, and multiple other items from this site on a regular basis. The site has literally saved me thousands of dollars since I have become a member.
If the nuances of online shopping, finding a good deal, and avoiding 300 pound women fighting over a discounted Candy Land game are difficult to grasp, please stick with your regular routine. Otherwise, fatwallet.com garners a strong 4-star rating, only to be dinged by the fact that someone isn't actually moving the mouse for me while I balloon to another high in weight. Isn't online shopping easy?!!

Aint It Cool News review

2009-09-29T13:31:00.006-06:00

Wow, that turned out to be a tiny picture.
So I guess I would call myself a movie fan. If anyone follows my reviews, about 90% are film reviews. I don't want to think about it because I get sick at the life I've wasted by watching terrible movies. I kinda wish this was a paying gig so I could have an excuse (to my wife) for watching so many and I could esteem myself with the title of Professional Film Critic. So when I do have spare time from watching movies, I of course go to movie websites to find all the latest news regarding Hollywood. Don't tell anyone but my spare time just happens to be when I'm at work. The first place I go for movie news is aintitcool.com.

Aintitcool is a very popular site for film fans. I'm sure the majority of our audience (5 readers out of 7 total) have visited the site more than a few times. It is a great place to go because it is current. The moment news breaks it is displayed on the site. It is a better option to other movie sites because not only do you get the news but you also get humorous commentary by one of aintitcool's correspondents. The correspondents are pretty up-front. They let you know what movies suck and which suck worse.

The host of the site, Harry Knowles, has become a sort of pop culture guru. This is definitely his site and has his signature all over it. He contributes reviews of popcorn movies, which he usually likes, and DVD reviews. He is to be respected and feared by all because he is the King of all Dorks. His motto might just be "In the land of the geeks, the fat man with a girlfriend is King." His reviews are pretty harmless but are too often spliced with political leanings. Listen pal, I don't come to read about movies and get some right-wing bashing.

The site is the perfect meeting ground for geeks. It has movie and casting news as I've said, but also gives TV news and for the low level dweebs it discusses comic books and video games every once in a while.

If you want a great movie site, dust the cheeto dust off your fingers, put down the mountain dew and click onto aintitcool.com. Who knows, it might even become a favorite.

I give Aint It Cool News 4 stars. I ding it because my mom told me to never say aint, and secondly because politics are referenced far too much.

Arrest Report Websites Review

2009-09-28T05:00:00.010-06:00

Do you love the smell of desperation in the morning? Do you find validation through the misery of others? Looking for a troubled soul to save? If so then look no further than the Ada County Sheriff's Arrests Report website. Or as I like to call it: The Women of the Idaho Penal System. This site has a picture, name, age and a description of the offense listed for everyone incarcerated in the past five days. There's a woman (or man) to satsify any kinky desire.

(Click Images To Enlarge)

This woman was arrested for Petit Theft but the real crime is how she stole my heart.
Into the rough stuff? Look no further. These lovely ladies ran afoul of the law with charges ranging from Assault and Battery to Disturbing the Peace.Like a woman who knows how to partay? Well here's a few that will scratch your itch, but you'll have to drive as they were all arrested for DUI:Like a little girl-on-girl action with a little rough stuff thrown in? Well these two were arrested at the same time both charged with Fighting. Me-Yow. That's a cat fight I would have liked to have seen. What do you think they could have been fighting over? Who has the biggest hair?Are you one of those freaks that like MILFS or GILFS? They've got that covered here as well. Arrested for offenses like Contempt of Court, Petit Theft and DUI these mature ladies are sure to please:Not into chicks well there's plenty of dudes to meet any need you may have. So if you're tired of your ordinary porn sites, sick of the tabloid sites and bored to death with the regular news outlets, then look no further than the Ada County Sheriff's Arrest Website for the best the Gem State has to offer. I'm sure if you prefer local girls your local sheriff's department offers this same sort of things, but for me, I'm sticking with these gals. The website has a fairly good layout, with five days worth of arrests at all time. It would be better if they gave some statistics like height, weight, dimensions, turn-offs and turn ons, but hey, it's still pretty good. I give it 4-stars.

Kids Karate Class Review

2009-09-24T19:36:00.005-06:00

One of my favorite parts of the movie “Napoleon Dynamite” is when they go to the Karate Dojo and listen to the sales pitch for Drew Carey’s mentally inept friend’s “8 week program”. I found myself repressing a huge belly laugh when this memory flooded back to me during my 4 year old son’s first Karate class a few weeks ago. The instructor was way too serious about Kempo Karate….remember the Kempo part, trust me on this one. He punched and kicked at the air with a ferocity that one would only think possible in a battle for one’s life. It was impressive and ridiculous at the same time. If he would have mentioned the “buddy system” I would have lost it altogether. Needless to say, I was about to pick up my little guy and head for the door when the instructor shifted to a more kid friendly demeanor and realized that my son was more than intimidated.

From then on, the guy actually turned out to be pretty good with kids. Still, my shy son didn’t participate at all that first class. He just stood and watched the other ten or so 4-year olds run around, do snap kicks, and yell “Keeiiii!” There was also no way in the world that he was going to sing the “Little Dragon” song. So, I kind of thought he didn’t enjoy it and it would be not only our first class, but our last. Then we drove home. From the moment we hit the front door my son was asking me if I wanted him to teach me Karate…Kempo Karate, sorry. He was snap kicking and combo punching everything in the house. After a couple of ground rules about appropriate targets, the kid was, in his mind, nothing short of a Bruce Lee twin. Like any kid would know who Bruce Lee is these days.

The next class was a wholly different experience. He participated fully and really concentrated on getting the form down. He still wouldn’t sing the song, but was running with the other kids and mustering up all the Chi he could. Again, he became my instructor when we got home, plus he had the uniform this time and, as a matter of fact, I don’t think he has taken it off since. They also do homework that includes letters and shapes and colors so the kids get a little preschool as well. They sneaked the school work in like a Ninja in the night, my guy has no idea that Karate doesn’t normally include triangle matching games.

For a little guy that didn’t have much coordination and had shyness beyond normalcy, he has sure come out of his shell thanks to this Karate class. It has been a few weeks now and his interest hasn’t waned. He sings the song and is working on his yells and addressing the instructors as “Sir” and “Ma’am”. His flying kicks are pretty impressive too and now that we have a little punching pad at home, his practice has been better directed and is paying off in dividends.

I’ve got to give mad props though, to something of which I have totally mocked over the years but never actually participated. My little man seems to really enjoy it and is getting some good things out of it too. And for those of you that think I am training my child to fight, please recall the words of the master, Ralph Macchio “I train, so I don’t have to fight.” …..just break the wrist and walk away.

Sony Ear buds Review MDR-EX81LP

2009-09-23T15:30:00.006-06:00

Throughout my youth, I usually had jobs which required a decent amount of exercise. I was a lifeguard for 2 summers, worked in Alaska during the Salmon run, and was a waiter/bartender through college. (On a completely separate note---what use is a 16 year old, 105 pound lifeguard? Suppose a 300 pound dude starts sucking down water in the deep end---what would I have done? I was so skinny, I would have disappeared in his back hair and asphyxiated on his butt-hawk before we sunk to the bottom).

Once I graduated from school, I promptly got a job which required me to sit in front of a computer the entire day, and basically haven't moved for 8 and a half years. My ever increasing waistline, and a penchant to achieve rigor mortis while still alive are a testament to how much sitting I do throughout the day. I don't even like to walk down to the candy machines for a late (and early) afternoon snack of Ding Dongs as they too far away, and I'll need to climb a set of stairs on my return trip.

Alas, there are positives to constant sitting.
I now believe that I can sleep with my eyes completely open.
My peripheral vision has increased 10 fold as I don't bother turning my head to see who is walking by my cubicle.
Walking to the bathroom counts as my daily exercise.
I listen to music throughout most of the day.

I am lucky in that most of my work is done on my pc, and I can freely listen to my Ipod. (I call it an Ipod, but it is actually a Zune. Never heard of it? Yeah...that's why I call it an Ipod. I don't want to have to explain what a Zune is, and who makes it. Even better...I have the original toaster-size 30GB Zune. I'd strap it to my arm, but don't have enough bungee cords)

Unfortunately, throughout my life, I have had trouble with ear buds. I have very small ear holes. This is bad as my ear hair can easily span the ear-hole gap, block all noise and collect wax at an alarming rate. It's also nice, as I don't have to worry about insects rooting around in my ear canal searching for a place to nest.

I tried the over-the-ear headphones until my coworkers started calling me DJ Nerd and C&C loser factory.
Standard ear buds shaped liked a large Lima bean didn't fit well, and after wearing them for 30 minutes, it felt like someone was trying to squeeze a racquetball into my ear.
I really wanted the form-fitting Shure ear buds, but these COMPLETELY block out all noise. I did not want to be rocking out to Chumbawumba while the fire alarm blared at work.

I perused Amazon.com until I found the Sony MDR-EX81LP ear buds. Affordable, not completely sound-proof, and they came with multiple sizes of squishy ear buds.

I've put these things through the ringer over the past couple of years, and they are still going strong. The sound is very good, and the bass is acceptable. There is also the same model of ear bud which does not have the over-the-ear thingy. I thought I'd use these while exercising, and wanted them to stay on while qualifying for the Boston marathon.
I've found that the ear holders are unnecessary as the buds fit snugly in my ear, and don't fall out. The ear holders are also unnecessary as I have not exercised since Cheers and the Cosby show headlined the Thursday night NBC lineup.

I do have a couple complaints. There is no practical carrying case for the ear buds. There is a case, but winding the buds into the case is cumbersome. I also don't like the Y-connection to each ear-bud. It isn't a Y. You'd think that there would be equal wire to each ear bud, but not so. The right ear bud has 4x the length, and the left ear bud has just enough to reach your ear. It's fairly annoying.

All in all, for 30 bucks you can't go wrong. I would ignore many of the negative reviews on Amazon. Some complained of defective ear buds...but got an instant replacement from Amazon. Some stated that the wires don't last multiple years. I say that their sweat is acidic, and these buds weren't meant to withstand sulfuric acid deposits.

I'm a happy, fat, chair-ridden who idolizes Sparks on Sealab 2021....but one who can listen to music anytime he wishes. Harvey Danger, Neil Diamond, Phil Hendrie??? It's a surprise...I'm on shuffle baby. (Yes the Zune has shuffle)

The Sony MDR-EX81LP ear buds rock snugly to a 4 star rating.

Costco Yardline Ridgefield Shed Review

2009-09-18T15:00:00.000-06:00

My family is creating a black hole. The rate at which we accumulate "stuff" defies mathematical principles. We have found a way to pack "stuff" in every nook, cranny, orifice, and any other place we can find in our home. The density is so great, I think we're starting to absorb light.

It didn't used to be this way. Our first move over 8 years ago consisted of a sparsely packed u-haul truck.
Our most recent move involved a professional moving company, a semi tractor trailer, and something about 20 thousand pounds worth of "stuff."

Are you looking for a light fixture that was replaced by a ceiling fan, and doesn't match any others?
Do you need old paint rollers that have been cleaned over 5 times?
Perhaps you fancy a full set of radio shack speakers which haven't been used in 5 years?

If you are interested in any of these items, look no further than aisle 7, box D in our cataloging system used to fully utilized open space for storage in our home.

In our everlasting quest to park both cars in the garage, we felt an outdoor shed was a necessity. We could move a bunch of items out of the garage, and in turn, I wouldn't have to scrape my windows in the winter. Sign me up, and here's my credit card.

After looking around at home improvement stores, we found that for a cool 2 grand, we could have the shed we desired. (not including upgrades---a window is an upgrade? I'm surprised they didn't offer the door as an upgrade)
This was a little rich for my blood, so I started looking online for plans to build my own shed. I had framed my basement, so I thought I was up for the task.
I searched for the perfect shed instructions, and found that the building materials would be....2 grand, I passed.

Costco recently had an online coupon where they were offering $300 off one of their Yardline shed kits. Shipping was free, and the total was a cool grand. I slapped down the plastic, and the 1300 pound beast was on its way.

I think the reason this shed was so much cheaper was the materials. It had 2X4 floor joists, 2X3 wall studs, and 5/8" thick floorboards. I realize that I just offended a bunch of hardcore handymen, but let's be realistic....I'm not going to hold a disco dance-off, store horses, or hide stolen children in the shed. It's going to be the home for yard equipment, garage supplies, and perhaps a secret nudey magazine stash.

The shed actually has a bunch of positives. It has 7 foot high walls, which gives it room for storage overhead. (included btw...) It also includes a work bench, windows, vents, and 64" wide double doors.

It is not difficult to put together. It took me 3 or 4 days to assemble, and I didn't spend every waking hour pounding a hammer. The instructions are easy to follow, and the wood is easy to find in the kit. Be aware that you may have to replace some wood, as it might bow or twist.

Also note that shingles, drip-edge, and paint are not included in the kit. Be prepared for a few hundred dollars more for these supplies.

All in all, you will have a great 8X12 shed that looks really nice.

I give the Yardline Ridgefield shed a handy 4 stars for ease of assembly, size, features, and a good place to stash porn.

Muse - The Resistance review

2009-09-16T16:24:00.006-06:00

It's been a slow year for music releases, well good music anyways. Maybe that's because I'm an elitist and am not a fan of releases by Lil' Wayne or Jay-Z. I can't say there has ever been anything beneficial to mankind that starts with "Lil." Except for maybe Lil' Debbie. Man I love those star crunches.

Finally a CD has come out that I have been anticipating for a while. Muse releases albums consistently every 2-3 years. As a fan that is much appreciated. Their latest "The Resistance" is their 5th album and has come out at the height of their popularity. Now as an elitist rule, I pride myself in abhorring anything that the general public (i.e. dumb masses) listens to. I realize that Muse fans range from 12 year old gothic girls to hack vampire fiction novelists but I still hold them in a high regard. Now that I've given you my fanboy background let's get to the review.

The Resistance promised electric prog-rock symphonies and it delivers. It is chock full (I'd hate to be chock empty) of power rock ballads that fans have come to expect. A lot of critics (rolling stone I'm looking at you) dismiss Muse as pretentious. I'm sorry, but progressive rock is all about experimental intros and symphonic crescendos. I find it funny that professional critics are calling anything pretentious. Seems redundant.

Another criticism is that Muse sounds "too much like Radiohead." These people have no idea what they're talking about. Is the last Radiohead album they heard "OK Computer? Come on!

This album has a great balance of rock anthems and melodic compositions. The cd starts out with the single "Uprising" which borrows the theme from Dr. Who and will surely get stuck in your head, and it ends with a three part symphony called Exogenesis. Matt Bellamy, lead vocalist, has a knack for composing his mini symphonies between his songs, but has now written the three part symphony. If I have any complaints it's that it does take up three tracks. And when the cd only has eleven tracks that takes quite a chunk. I wouldn't mind if it was one 15 minute track. The standout songs are Uprising, Unnatural Selection, and Exogenesis Symphony part 2.

Would I recommend this cd to new muse listeners? Yes, but I think the best cd to start with would be Absolution. Then once you get a taste of sci-fi rock you will want to indulge in this cd. My personal favorite Muse album is Origin of Symmetry. Though their entire collection is worth some serious listening.

I give The Resistance a high 4 british rock stars because it's not a perfect album but it's definitely fantastic.

Sleeping Under The Stars Review

2009-09-14T08:00:00.010-06:00

Last night I found myself in the middle of nowhere, on a paper thin foam pad inside a sleeping bag that, although huge in size, is too small for me, and staring up at the stars wondering "What the heck am I doing here." That's right. I was taking part in the great American past time known as "Sleeping under the stars." I suppose it's a right of passage that all young men must go through at least once, but now that I'm nearly 39, I just don't have it in me anymore.

Since my mandate from the editors is to "Spice things up a bit" here at Review-spew.com I was originally going to call this review "Sleeping with the Bosses Wife Review" but that is a little too spicy, and once you read the review you would find yourself greatly disappointed. Besides, although we seek more readers, we don't want the ones that sort of title would have attracted.

My Boss, who is also a close friend of mine goes on an annual rafting trip. I've gone with him once and white-water rafting was fun once. Once. That bucket list item now firmly checked off I see no reason to risk life or limb in that endeavor ever again. However, I do enjoy long drives so I've shuttled for him on this trip a couple of times over the years. This year was the first time he took his whole family, including his wife and that was the explanation for the original title. See, I told you it would be boring. Their family was way over there while I was way over here, in incredible discomfort, staring up at the stars. Which brings me back to my review.

Here are the problems I have with sleeping under the stars.

The mosquitoes can get to you and buddy, pickings were good for them last night, what with all 300 pounds of me sprawled out like some all-you-can eat buffet. To avoid them you bury yourself in your bag which is already too small, but you manage to squeeze your melon in there anyway, and then you start sweating so you pull your head out of the bag for air. Sweat to mosquitoes is like gravy on roast for us. 2nd course same as the first.

It's also too bright. There are at least a bagillion stars out there and all shining down at you at once without the benefit of smog to protect you from their annoying glare and I was squinting like in my profile picture, but it was 2AM. So you duck into the bag to get away from the glare and then you get too hot so you come back out of the bag and...3rd course for the mosquitoes.

You feel even the slightest breeze and with that comes pollen and with that, at least for me, comes sneezing, coughing, itching eyes, etc, etc. This actually was a turn off for the mosquitoes so I guess it wasn't all bad, and I was eventually able to drift off.

This leads to the other thing I don't like about sleeping under the star. I like to call it The Horror Movie Effect. This is where you've seen so many horror movies that you just know that if you open your eyes there will be something or someone right there staring at you. This doesn't happen for me in a tent only when I'm sleeping under the stars.

I guess I'm off camping altogether. That ground gets harder and harder every year. Some would think that being as big as I am I would be okay, what with all that built in padding, but that just isn't the case. If someone were to sleep on top of me, they would be comfortable (as long as they didn't mind all the body-hair and sweat) but the padding I might provide for another just doesn't pad me.

If you've never done it, then I strongly suggest sleeping out under the stars at least once. Pick a cloudless night, because that's kind of the point, and enjoy it, cross it off your bucket list and then invest in a good tent. Tents have this stuff called mosquito netting. It is the single greatest invention ever, except maybe camp-trailers and motels. As for sleeping under the stars more than once, I can only give it, well 1 star, because it sucks big time.

Neutrogena Deep Clean Invigorating Shine-Free Cleanser Review

2009-09-11T15:30:00.000-06:00

The summer I turned 18, my late-blooming body decided to exact revenge for the extended lack of female companionship. It turned it's terror alert to red---as in acne red. My (sorta) beautiful baby face suddenly turned into a wasteland of exploding nuclear waste piles.
For the next 3 years, my life was full of facial scrubs, cotton balls, loofah scraping, facial masks, and other ridiculous skin treatments to rid myself of acne. My success ratio was exactly 0%, and I think I may have just exacerbated the problem.

3 years later, my body decided to withdraw the troops and go into remission from the daily fight. Oh sure I sometimes had the random zit or two, but nothing like the cacophony of pimple-ness I had earlier exhibited.
Luckily, I did not incur any serious acne scarring, and came out of the experience relatively unscathed. (although my female companionship issue was still....an issue. On a completely separate note, I have a friend who said his brother completely rid his face of acne without any prescriptions. He said his brother would use the FIRST urine of the day on a rag, and then wipe his face. Completely cleared up, although it had to be the FIRST pee of the day. I NEVER tried this....and I would NEVER admit it if I did)

So now I'm a fat ugly 34 year old man, but I do have a fairly clear complexion.....except on my nose. If you know me, my nose is not to be trifled with. My Jewish ancestry assured me of prominence in this area.

For many years, I have suffered from what I'd call "black-heads" on my nose, except that they really aren't zits as much as pockets of dirts forever clinging for dear life on my skin. I've tried just about everything to clear up the dirty skin. Oddly enough, I've used the same treatment from when I was 18 years old...with roughly the same results. Unfortunately, I've seemed to upset the PH balance of my face as it randomly puts out more oil or completely no oil to compensate for whatever treatment I'm using.
I'll truly try anything...nobody wants their nose at 6 feet to look like the the La Brea tar pits from an airplane.

My wife gave me a bottle of Neutrogena Deep Clean Invigorating Shine-Free Cleanser to combat the problem. If Neutrogena is trying to impress the consumer on name length of the product...mission complete. If they would have added a few more words in the title, I would have paid double for the bottle.
This is a bluish cream with a little "sand" in the cream. I say "sand" as I'm not sure of what scratchy crap is in the bottle. It could be crushed bone of dead kittens...I'm not sure.
This is like any other facial cream you can use in the shower or sink. Apply, rinse, and don't use on your nether regions. (listen up 14 year old boys)

This did clear up any oily skin problem I had. I no longer have to carry mini squeegies to clear off my face. I can attest that it also promotes "shine-free" skin.
Did it clear up my black-heads? Not completely, but they are much better. My skin now has the sheen of at least a healthy 40 year old. I suppose I can add the tagline--It took 10 years off my face...and I still look old.

On (another) separate note, this shower cleansing business is completely out of hand. Shampoo, Conditioner, Soap, Axe (for scenty goodness), Facial cleanser...and then add shaving!!!?? I'll be in the shower for 30 minutes to complete all these tasks. Perhaps I should pee in the toilet before I get in to cut down at least 30 seconds.

All in all, this is a decent product, and I give it a squeaky clean 3-star rating.

Freebies for Hot Chicks Review

2009-09-09T14:22:00.005-06:00

My wife is an attractive woman, which I have always claimed offered her and other attractive females little bonuses in life that the rest of us homely people never enjoy. She always dismissed my claims but a few examples of late have pretty much confirmed my suspicions.

My wife heads into Kohl’s with me and, as usual, we head to the bargain racks. Routinely you can get most of your Kohl’s fodder at 80% off if you don’t mind wearing a 5X version of the classic wife-beater tank. 5X is my natural size, so this is my kind of store. After loading the cart we head to the check-out and then something remarkable happened. My wife smiles at the man behind the counter and says “I must have forgotten my coupon at home, but I really did have one.” He says “how much was the discount?” “30%, I think”. He says “No problem” and then takes an additional 30% off of our ENTIRE bill! Are you kidding me? Really? What world am I in? This has never happened to a guy. As we walk out to the car I ask my wife how in the hell that happened and she just smiled and said she really did have a coupon and she was pretty sure it was 30% off so, she wasn’t being dishonest.

Case in point number two, my wife headed into the Eye Dr. to get some new contacts. While she is there, she decides she wants to maybe try some colored ones. She asks the Dr. about them, in her wile way, and he says “Wait a minute”. He comes back in with an armful of every single color of contact lens available and drops them into a huge bag. Then, handing her the Hefty bag he wishes her a Merry Christmas…in the middle of frickin’ July. She only asked about blue. Ridiculous.

I’m a fan of the big sandwich, so the other day my wife heads to the deli to grab some lunch meat. She comes back with well over a pound of turkey, roast beef, and ham. I open the bag and say “how in the world are we going to heat all of this meat?” She says, “Something weird happened. I went in an asked the guy for a half pound of each but he sliced a bunch. Then he dumped it all on the scale, lifted off most of it until the scale said half pound, then hit the print key. Then, he put the rest of the meat on the pile and put it all in the bag. He gave me twice what I paid for.” Huh? What? Free beef…in this economy?

Personally, I rarely get the clerks to even accept coupons that I have in hand. There is always some fine print about not valid on Tuesdays or something stupid and the clerks never have a problem pointing out the fact that I will be paying roughly 3x what I thought the price was. I certainly have never gotten anything extra just for funzies. This is an injustice to the homely, fat, and pan-faced everywhere and while I actually receive the fruits of this crime 2nd hand, it has got to stop. If you break it down, this is a matter of sex. There is some deep recess in those male clerk’s minds that hold onto the hope that they are really exchanging cold cuts for coitus, contacts for carnal knowledge, and coupons for copulation.

Knock it off guys. Either become an equal opportunity discounter or stop it altogether. Pretty people already get enough free passes in this world, let’s at least make them pay for their own pastrami.

LG enV3 Review

2009-09-07T08:00:00.015-06:00

Editors note---We have added a new writer to the staff. He has been vetted at least as well as Van Jones, and we all heartily approve of his review spewing talent.
Say hello to Just Jim...we hope he's here for a while....

I spent the better half of the past 4 years screaming at the top of my lungs like a lunatic at "those darn kids with their cell phones and their texting." It was just a phenomenon I couldn't wrap my mind around. To my way of thinking, if you wanted to communicate with someone and you have a perfectly good phone in your hand, then just call them. How hard can that be?

Recently the opportunity for me to get a cell phone arrived and I decided that I might as well see what all the hub-bub was all about with texting. With that in mind I went ahead and got what I would consider the ultimate texting device; the enV3 by LG. My wife has had the enV2 for almost 2 years now and her and the teenagers love it. The enV3 is everything good about the enV2 just better.

The buttons are big enough and spaced just right for anyone, including a sausage-fingered fat guy like myself, to text with the greatest of ease. It has an improved screen inside and outside, a vastly improved camera (now 3 Megapixal instead of 2 Megapixal), and the addition of a flash. There is increased battery life, but if you're using that flash to take pictures of your junk all day long, you better just leave it plugged in. Not that I do that with my enV3, I mean, that's gross. Yuck.

The best improvement unfortunately leads to the one downside to this phone. With the enV2 the SPACE bar was way over on the bottom-right of the phone. With the enV3 they moved it to the bottom-center. Absolutely inspired, but they put the "B" button on the right of the SPACE bar. What is the point of having a QWERTY keyboard on a phone when you force people to type the letter "B" with their right hand instead of their left? Sorry LG, this case of utter stupidity on your part cost you a perfect 5-star rating.

Bottom line, if you liked the enV1 or the enV2 and want to upgrade, the enV3 is a complete no-brainer, just go for it. If you're considering switching from a different type of phone, this is a great phone with good sound quality, it weighs enough so you know you're handling a thing of quality, but light enough to talk on all day long, and the easiest keyboard to text with (except for that mocking "B" button - it just has it in for me).

One other thing. When I got this phone I was warned by both Matt and Meatwad that I should be prepared for the onslaught of texts coming from both of them. I have been neither shocked nor awed. There has been no onslaught. I have found that Meatwad is a complete texting slacker; only responding once to ever 10 or 12 of my texts, but at the same time he gets all ticked that Matt doesn't seem to text him anymore now that I have a phone. Strange. Matt texts me several times a day. Something must be wrong with Meatwads phone. Maybe he should finally upgrade to the enV3.

I give the enV3 4 stars, and if they will just move the "B" button over to the left on the enV4 it will get a perfect 5 stars.

Dollhouse Season 1 review

2009-09-02T16:20:00.005-06:00

I love TV. I hate to say it but many of my childhood memories come from watching the old boob tube. I'll never forget the classic days of TGIF and seeing Uncle Jessie come out with his first single on Full House, or the time when Zach kissed Lisa on Saved By the Bell. I still remember the lyrics from Golden Girls and Punky Brewster for pete's sake! (Who is this Pete?) Hey check that out, two Punky Brewster references in a week on Review Spew. Not too shabby.

Can I tell you how glad I am that DVD's now offer countless hours of television I missed the first time. There is nothing better than watching shows without commercials. I'm a little behind the times (i.e. cheap) of DVR or Tivo so DVD's are the best way to go.

And when it comes to watching TV, nothing beats writer/director Joss Whedon for me. Yeah, I'm a bonafide geek. His shows have all been fantastic: Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and the digital hit Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. So I was excited when he announced he was working on a new show with Eliza "Faith" Dushku. But for some reason he works with Fox which is a big mistake because they have a habit of killing shows off on Friday nights. (see also: Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronological Chronicles and Firefly.)

Dollhouse is a show about a secret compound run by a mysterious corporation who brain-swipes the "dolls" and can program them into whatever a high paying client wants them to be. The show centers around Eliza Dushku's character Echo. As she assumes personalities ranging from a hostage negotiator, jewel thief, etc she starts to remember her erased life and the purpose of the Dollhouse. Also, for sci-fi fans, Helo from Battlestar Galactica plays a detective trying to find out if the Dollhouse even exists.

I watched the first two episodes on TV but because it's on Friday and because I have a life/wife I missed the rest of the episodes. So I waited patiently for the show to release on DVD. I hated to say it at the time but the first 2 episodes left me wanting. I don't mind confusing shows as long as they keep me interested. The typical Whedon clever dialogue was gone. The likeable characters were not there. I was let down to say the least. When watching the show on DVD I was still bored for the first 4 episodes but then the show really picked up and by the end of the season I wanted more. The show got much deeper near the end. No one thought Fox would bring the show back for this next season but strangely they are. It's on Fridays again so guaranteed it will be cancelled at the end of Season 2 but I'm glad I get to enjoy another season.

Dollhouse deserves a four but because of the slow start I'm giving it a high 3 midseason replacement stars.

The MTN (Mountain West sports network) channel review

2009-08-25T16:30:00.002-06:00

How the heck did they get the MTN out of Mountain West Sports Network. Wouldn't MWSN make more sense?

Are you a rabid fan of San Diego St. football? Do you pine to watch every game of the UNLV rebels? Are you a Mormon, and thus obligated to root for BYU? (take it easy...it's just a joke)

If you answered "yes" to any of the questions above, you are just like 0.2% of the population of the United States, and enjoy watching sporting events centered around the Mountain West Conference.
The Mountain West Conference (MWC) is a relatively new college conference (~1999) formed by a group of schools in the mountain west (duh) region.
This conference is outside looking in on the "big 6" of the BCS conferences. Relatively speaking, the MWC is like the "teenager table" at Thanksgiving dinner. They no longer have to sit at the "kid's table" and are trying to muscle their way onto the adults table. Unfortunately, they are in the thick of puberty, and need a few more good years of seasoning until a seat is reserved for them.

In the olden days of TV (3 or 4 years ago) each local team simulcast a football or basketball game and sold the rights to a local station. You'd see almost every home game, and some road games...and it was free.
Then the MWC decided to create a sports channel that was solely dedicated to MWC sports. It would be all-MWC, all the time.
Colorado St. lacrosse? Check!!
Wyoming men's volleyball? Check!!
TCU intramural ping pong? Check!!
New Mexico's thriving meth industry? Not so much.

The concept was genius. The channel would be available across the country for those fans that lived out of state. They called it the MTN, and sold a bulk of the rights to Comcast and CBS.
This proved to be tricky as Comcast started asking exorbitant amounts of $$ to the Satellite providers to show the channel. Dish and Direct TV scoffed at the amount the MTN was asking, and football was not shown on any satellite provider the first year. This was a dark time in my life.

After a couple years of praying and giving sacrifices to many heathen gods, Direct TV picked up the channel. It was true...I finally had access to the channel.

Boy was that a let-down.

Try to picture an introductory college level broadcasting class experimenting at football games with roughly 2 cameras and a pro-bono announcing team....Oh wait, this was exactly the status of the MTN. The games were horrible.
We're lucky the cameramen weren't on the field playing defense as they only knew where the ball was about 42% of the time. The rest of the time you were entertained with random shots of field turf, head coaches drinking Gatorade, and old clips of Punky Brewster. The production, execution, and tv talent was horrible.
One bright spot was that it led to some entertaining moments if your team wasn't playing well.

As with all new products, the MTN needed to learn and grow...and they have. They have increased the number of cameras at each game, placed better broadcasters, and even have their own low-budget "Sportscenter" types of shows on the channel. They have even started broadcasting in HD for many games. You'd be surprised how nice field turf and Punky Brewster look in HD.

I suppose the most important thing are the games...and yes--I saw every football game and dozens of basketball games from my favorite college team. Most fans can't say the same unless they purchase college football packages costing hundreds of dollars a year.

The MTN pixelates it way to a solid 3-star rating, and is well on its way to a 4-star. Sure there may be a few spelling errors or candid shots of sports anchors fixing their microphones...who doesn't love that?
Be aware...DISH has still not signed a contract with the channel, so if you decided to choose the cheapest satellite route, you'll be out of luck.
Direct TV and numerous cable companies have the channel on differing packages across the country.