I haven’t had much time to upload any videos. I have so much footage from my butterfly garden that I would like to share.  All day today, I was editing video for my brother’s dermatology site and stumbled upon this footage mixed in with his videos. I took some time to edit it because it was timely.

I took this video the day after my brother offered me a job in June. When caterpillars become chrysalis, they hide and camouflage themselves. This blog is a sort of behind the scenes of everything that I have attempted to do. While at many times it has been a very frustrating process, it has been progressive.

Yeah, it has been slow like the quiet chryssalis. I hope that now I am more settled in my work, I can share more footage of these beautiful creatures. Isn’t that reflective of many of our lives? We are quietly working out, planning and hopefully envisioning our new lives. Soon many can be free of the many stresses and burdens that have come our path in the last years.

P1290726, originally uploaded by blancastella.

I had a great time tonight with my neighbors. There were hundreds of kids going around with all their costumes. It is fun to be a kid and I loved seeing all their happy faces. Click here for the rest of the photos.

My Computer Monitor's Multiple Open Windows

I took this photo last month when my computer was going haywire. All these windows popped up in a few seconds. I am going to use the analogy of all these pop ups as all the possibilities in one’s life. After all, in this environment of so much change and uncertainty, we have to keep on looking at new possibilities.

Somehow, I have been challenged by many situations in these past years. I decide to take every punch in life and keep on seeking better ways to create my life, or better yet…better ways to live my life. Our eyes are windows to being able to see beyond the punches. It is not easy when you are confronted with challenges. But isn’t it those very challenges that propel you to move beyond the current reality?

At least, that is what I choose to do. I don’t allow myself to sit and wait for things to get better. I push myself to move forward to better quality of life. Sure, certain situations get me down. But I don’t allow those negative situations to define my life, nor do I allow myself to stay stuck in them. What are you doing to keep yourself flowing into the new window that might just pop up out of the blue? Maybe there’s an entry point to a better reality just around the corner.

I haven’t posted a music video I like in a while. I came across this one by Elton John of the Song Healing Hands. I have heard the song before, but never really paid attention to the words. They are pretty powerful and deep. The lyrics are after the video.

I never dreamed I could cry so hard
That ain’t like a man
I could fly like a bird some days
Had a place where I could land
I could have sworn we were all locked in
Ain’t that what you said
I never knew it could hurt so bad
When the power of love is dead
But giving into the nighttime
Ain’t no cure for the pain
You gotta wade into the water
You gotta learn to live again
And reach out for her healing hands
Reach out for her healing hands
There’s a light, where the darkness ends
Touch me now and let me see again
Rock me now in your gentle healing hands
I never knew love like poison
That burned like a fire
All I ever wanted was a reason
To drown in your eyes
I never knew sleep so restless
Empty arms so cold
That’s not the way it’s supposed to be
It ain’t the spell that I was sold

My very first ever video on You Tube was when I had my ankle surgery last year.  The doctor that operated on me was moving to New York and on my last visit with him, he was calling me a wimp.  He wasn’t saying it with anger, just point blank: ” You are acting like a wimp.”

He was saying that because I was complaining about the intense pain on my ankle. I answered him: “Have you ever had this apparatus attached to your ankle?” And remember, I reminded him, “It was 2 surgeries at the same time!”  (To remove most  my pins and plates from my surgery 7 years ago besides the treatment for my cartilage.) He agreed. It was different and a double whammy.

So after he moved to New York, I figured out a way of working out on my Pilate’s machine without putting direct pressure with the shish kabobs that ran across my feet.  I created the first video to prove to him that I wasn’t a wimp. I called it: “A Message to Dr. Fox”.

After he saw it, he emailed me in great surprise. Then the other Doctor who took over my care here in Miami, Dr. Wagner, sent it to all his staff and other doctors and nurses in Miami. They called me the “crazy patient.” They had never seen anyone with a fixator do something like that. So I went from being called a wimp to being an amazing patient. They wanted to use me as a case study to inspire other patients. It really was not a big deal for me. Exercise has been my forte all my life.

Being a mom has been the most wonderful experience in my life. I am blessed to have such a great son who is amazingly peaceful, kind, funny and considerate. I called my ex-husband a wimp because he wasn’t willing to change a schedule. Yep, this whole drama was because of a darn schedule.  But instead of stepping up to the plate, he chose to lash at me in a very extreme way.

I could have chosen to feel bad about my doctor calling me a wimp. But I chose to do something about it. I took a negative(being afraid to put pressure on my feet) into a positive. I am so amazed at how the smallest of things tick people off. But is it really that one small thing? Or an accumulation of pent up anger ready to pop built up from years of holding it in? I know my ex-husband is not a terrible man. He really loves my son. He was mad at me. But what a waste of energy and a drain for such a small thing.

I have been able to manage all my stress pretty well because I have dreams. I don’t know how long it will take me to get there. My countdown clock is ticking away and I haven’t been able to get much done lately. But I have gotten much accomplished in my life with new opportunities. I will not let anything get me down. If anything, this incident, which in the scheme of things is minor, propels me even more to fuel my passion with what I want to do. It is about inspiring children. Life is really too precious to waste on trivial things.

My sister gave me her perspective yesterday of this past week’s incident. I am always open to getting a bird’s eye view from someone else.  She has been married for over 20 years. I have been divorced for 14 years. We live very different lives. Although she has great insight from her work as a mental health therapist, she has not actually been in my shoes and lived what I have as a single mother.

I told her that as single moms, we make great sacrifices by focusing on the nurturing role alone. Yet we also have to take on the role of the man by being a single breadwinner. I have been able to manage both sides. However, I always chose nurturing over breadwinner. This meant that I sacrificed certain real estate deals in the past because I had to stay at home with my son. It never bothered me. I have always loved being a mom.  When children are small, they need more nurturing.

But making certain sacrifices when the full open support of an ex-husband is not around does come at a price. I didn’t write these other posts to make myself a victim of someone else. Far from it. I wrote the posts as inspiration to rise above a serious situation and turn it into a positive. I had to look at the situation and make a stand in a critical time in my son’s life as he is becoming a man.

So maybe I didn’t play the quiet nurturing role this time because of his age. I felt I needed to empower myself as a woman and show my son what true empowerment is: Assertive and confident vs. aggressive.  And if this ruffled someone else’s feathers, well so be it. I will always love and nurture my son. But at his age, I could not keep quiet when the father was not leading by example in a positive way in this particular situation. So I had to play both roles like I have many times. It toughens me up. I suppose it is a good thing. Sometimes I don’t like it. But at least I have learned throughout all these years to step up to the plate and play whatever role is necessary.

After I wrote my last post, I wondered if I should delete it. After all, anything dealing with my son I will fiercely protect. Everything I have written in my blog in the last year has been about how I have handled my work situation. It is about inspiring others to keep on staying positive during rough times and have the courage to reinvent oneself. By opening yourself up to new possibilities with a good attitude, new doorways always open.

But what happens if you get stuck in a doorway that doesn’t suit you.My son went out on the boat with my brother on Saturday and we watched the football game together at my brother’s house.  Here my son was able to have an enjoyable weekend distracted in time with enjoyable events. I too was able to enjoy time and get out of the mind frame that had me freaked out this week. I made it a point to move through this situation as best as possible for the well being of my son.

Yet when we were on the way home last night,  we had to discuss something regarding his father. My son started to get stressed. I had told him this past week the importance of having open communication vs. holding something in and later exploding. In the scheme of things, as I wrote in the last post, this is a minor incident. Yet it had a great effect on us.

So as my son was driving home, I told my son to go directly to his father’s house so the three of us can talk like normal human beings without fear. Personally, I am not afraid to speak even when someone threatens me. Anyone that threatens another is simply insecure. I promised my son that it would be peaceful. And peaceful it was. We were able to resolve the differences with open communication. I had to remain calm even though I had been treated like a rag. And at the same time, I asked my ex-husband for an apology in front of my son.  He resisted, but I maintained my composure and stayed focused on the well being of my son, our son.

I explained to my ex-husband that it was necessary for my son to know the truth from him. My son needed to know directly from his father that his allegations in the letter were not true. Now we can move on. I will let go of the threat and not hold it against my ex-husband as long as he maintains his respect for me, the mother of his son.

So going back to the thought of deleting the prior posts since this is a very personal issue. Besides the lesson I was teaching my son about self respect, I am also showing many single moms out there the need for them to maintain their own self respect. Divorce is a very difficult thing especially when children are involved. I have made great strides in making my son’s and my life balanced.

But right now, in the environment that we live with much stress due to job loss and financial hardship where many are fighting for simply surviving, it is important to maintain calm during a crisis. It is imperative that you get yourself out of it and look to the best interest of the child. I am glad I did this last night. I have learned courage with a capital C. I took my pride away and went there again calmly even though I had been thrown out of their house with threat of calling the police if I didn’t leave while I was simply asking for an explanation of his false allegations. We were able to resolve peacefully. Courage is not pride. Courage is strength to go above and beyond yourself for the betterment of the whole. Even though our family unit shattered many years ago, the children can still grow up to be balanced adults as long as the two parents stay balanced.

I could have kept my mouth shut the whole time. But then I would be teaching my son not to defend himself later in life if he ever is confronted with an injustice. Peace can continue to prevail now.

Peaceful Waters Off Of Florida Coast. Seeing This View & Taking This Picture Gave Me Peace

It has been almost one week since I had an incident with my ex-husband that left me speechless. I said I was not going to speak about him nor bring him down in my last post and I won’t.  After reading this article about the shattered families of the teenage boys that did this heinous crime in my hometown in this last month, anyone would say that my ex-husband is a saint.

After all he has been a constant presence in his life without any violence to my son. I always encouraged a healthy interaction between my son and his father and I know they love each other. I am happy for this. I always chose the route of peace in any difficult situation which I was confronted  with my ex-husband.

I kept my mouth shut on many occasions because my main priority has always been the well being of my son. Anyone that knows me, including his own family, can attest to this. Any verbal aggression that my ex-husband has displayed has been towards me, not my son. The situations have been minimal because we keep our communication minimal in the name of peace.

So when I read these horrible stories of shattered families, I know I am really blessed.  But the fact of the matter is that my son and I have been in a great deal of pain this week. I had to show him a letter that his father wrote me accusing me of being an unfit mother. I had to do this because he threatened me to take me to court. I cannot take this kind of accusation lightly and have the right to defend myself against this lie.

My son turned 16 this year. He is becoming a man. I told my son that he needs to confront this situation with strength. I don’t want to turn him against his father. If anything, it would pain him to do so. The last thing I want is for my son to feel pain. I told my son that love of self and God’s love transforms any kind of anger. So instead we chose to say a prayer together right after the incident directed at my ex-husband that he find peace within himself.

I told my son that speaking truth and being in integrity at all times is part of being a real man. I don’t believe in aggression and will continue to follow the peaceful way. Time heals all scars. It is a minor scar compared to so many other stories out there. So as I write this post, I send another prayer to my ex-husband in the hopes that he can find it in his heart to speak with integrity to his son who is becoming a man. I don’t need it for myself. I feel it is important as a life lesson for my son. It is about teaching him the importance of respecting women.

And if I, for a change, opened my mouth when he sent me this letter, I was showing my son a lesson of self respect. I did not confront him with anger. I confronted him calmly asking for an explanation. I left his house calmly. So I know this can be resolved calmly. Unfortunately for other families this has not been the case.  I feel this is important to talk about because children need to know that the greatest strength is the love they feel for themselves. Hopefully, parents can be an example and do the same for themselves. Anger shatters hopes and dreams. The world can only transform in this way… the peaceful way.

I have had the worst two days of my life. They are issues relating to my ex-husband. I don’t think I can share all the details openly, but never in my life did I feel as threatened as I did today. It was pretty scary and I think that the root of the issue is fear and insecurity. I never wish any harm on anyone, but I do have the right to get angry to protect my rights as a mother.

The other day when I wrote the post about balance, my brother(not the one I am working for) sent me an email and told me to “tell the truth”. Well, yes the truth of the matter is that I have been under a great amount of stress. I have been open about this. He was complaining because I have been  ”ignoring him”. Yes, in this last year, I have been focused mainly on getting myself back on my feet. I have been selfish only to think of the well being of my son and I.

Is that wrong? Am I required to give attention to someone that has gotten it his entire life, much of it from me? I am the sibling that has given him the most love and attention. Yet when I focus on myself and when I am fighting for the stability of my home, am I required to give attention to someone that is whining about it?

 So can I be angry today? Can I vent and say that enough is enough and I won’t tolerate any type of manipulation from anyone. Is it wrong to think only of myself and my son?  Yet, under this kind of stress I have been able to maintain a strong mind and open heart. Because of this I have been able to receive new opportunities for work.

My son is aware of all the ruccus that has happened in the last two days. I told him that every painful experience is a lesson for him to rise above it. So in answer to the question about my brother saying “to tell the truth”:

This blog is not about ragging on someone and putting them down.

This blog is about rising above difficult situations and make them better.

This blog is about raising consciousness.

This blog is about taking a negative and turning it into a positive.

So while I may have a lot to rag about my brother and my ex-husband, I choose not to. This is not what this blog is about. I can say that I am angry, hurt, frustrated and extremely disappointed by certain behavoirs of other people.  But this is not a kiss and tell to bring people down. Even with my sister, with all the hurt I have felt for her abandoning all the projects, I have never put her down. If anything, all I have said is that she has talent. So the way I look at it is that it is wasted talent sitting on the sidelines.

Just like my ex-husband, whatever good he has in him is overshadowed by his insecurities. I hope one day he can rise above them and teach my son, our son, a lesson of strength and integrity. I will say no more about him.  Thank God another brother of mine gave my son some uplifting words to encourage him to rise above this. So there, I said it: I am really angry today! It is about injustice and lies. That I will not tolerate.

Life is really funny. I had written the prior post on Sunday and scheduled it for the following day, which was yesterday. I’m glad I did because yesterday turned out to be a very stressful day. To make a long story short, my real estate deal fell apart. The appraisal came in a lot lower than expected.  When I look back at the post, Balance is Peace Love and Happiness, I ponder on my own words:

The point is: Does it really matter when you achieve the success if the whole trip to the destination was a smooth ride filled with peace, love and happiness?

So now I am back to scraping when I thought I would be breathing easier with a cushion. Honestly, I don’t know how I would handle all this if I didn’t have my quiet time to write, like I am doing now. Because  I am using this blog as a tool for my creative expression, it is helping me to move through all the unexpected jabs in a smoother way. And yes, while I am disappointed from all my efforts, it gives me more reason to see that doing this kind of work is not  the best place for me to be at the moment. New doors have opened for me and I have to stay where it flows.