Dez Aar Reely Funny !

Arab Student in Berlin

2010-06-08T06:21:00.001-07:00

Arab person sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,

I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son

Nasser

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Chicken story... Wise Old Cock !

2009-11-17T01:02:00.001-08:00

SUSPECT ULTIMATE:::Chicken story (mind blowing climax)

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :

O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds..

Suddenly, Bang! ....... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed...

"Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

Boss - Nice Lesson

2009-11-17T01:00:00.001-08:00

A Good lesson:-

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's
responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get
him
to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and
earn
all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the
asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the
feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed
out
the shit !

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do it!!!!!!

Sardar - 2

2009-11-17T00:55:00.001-08:00

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
U know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking...

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar:My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl:sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status.
Sardar:Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled y?
When asked him, he said,"Oye, that's for those who don't know Swimming.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter
to the Nurse :- I Love U sister.....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Ek sardar Indian Flag lene shop mein gaya tha. Shopwale ne usse flag
diya.Sardar bola:Isme aur colour dikhao!!!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar:I think that girl is deaf..
Friend:How do u know?
Sardar:I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar:Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher:Me? No, why?
Sardar:Yesterday I saw in my mobile "1 Miss Call".

************* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ********

Judge:Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge:U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sir:What is difference between Orange andApple?
Sardar:Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager:Do U know MS Office?
Sardar:If U give me the address I will go there sir.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay.While its landing he shouted: "
Bombay ! Bombay !!"
Air hostess said:"B silent."
Sardar:"Ok. Ombay! Ombay!!"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend:
"I MISS YOU"
Sardarjireplied:
"I Mr. YOU" !!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar:Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor:When?
Sardar:3 Months Ago
Dr:Wat were u doing till now?
Sardar:We were using duplicate key
Dr:So why did you come today?
Sardar:We lost the duplicate key!!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Why Sardar opens his lunch box in the middle of the road???
Just 2 confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office...

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Son: papa, 4+3 kithne hai?
Sardar: ullu ke patthe gadhe idiot naalaayak besharam tujhe kuch nahi aathaa?
Jaa andhar se CALCULATOR le ke Aa..

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice.
He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch &
Finally Said:"Oye, Torch is okay"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDDHA?"

Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* *********

Sardar - 1

2009-11-17T00:54:00.001-08:00

Sardar declares:
.... . . I will never marry in my life &. . .
.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . .. .

A donkey kicked a Sardar & ran away
Sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka
de raha hai'.

Santa went to Mysore palace.
Tourist guide - Santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - Oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..

Sardar wanted to make a STD call to punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call..

One tourist from U.S.A.asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!

Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.

2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1st Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1st Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both
copied.

Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and
says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal....." Finally he wrote the
conclusion.......
..... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks "tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......

A scene from Kohn Benega Crorepati....
Amitabh : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : Liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitabh stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.......

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE :
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup....

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child

At the Airport

2009-08-20T21:52:00.001-07:00

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

How the fight started :D

2009-08-04T23:14:00.001-07:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

**********************************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started...

**********************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years

ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

**********************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

**********************************************************************************

A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

**********************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

**********************************************************************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

**********************************************************************************

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

but, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:

the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

LIFE LINE.... GRAND COUPLES

2009-07-06T03:35:00.001-07:00

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife ' s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh, that?" she said. "That is the money I made from selling the dolls." : )

14 Reasons to get a dog than a wife

2009-07-06T03:32:00.001-07:00

14 Reasons to get a dog than a wife

The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog??"
If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
Dog's like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Why I fired My Secretary!

2009-06-11T22:54:00.001-07:00

Why I fired My Secretary!

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

  I went downstairs for breakfast
  hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

  'Happy Birthday!',
  and possibly have a small present for me.

  As it turned out,
  she barely said good morning,
  let alone
  ' Happy Birthday.'

  I thought...

  Well, that's marriage for you,
  but the kids...
  They will remember.

  My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
  and didn't say a word.

  So when I left for the office,
  I felt pretty low
  and somewhat despondent.

  As I walked into my office,
  my secretary Jane said,
  'Good Morning Boss,
  and by the way

  Happy Birthday ! '
  It felt a little better
  that at least someone had remembered.

  I worked until one o'clock ,
  when Jane knocked on my door
  and said, 'You know,

  It's such a beautiful day outside,
  and it is your Birthday,
  what do you say we go out to lunch,
  just you and me.'
  I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
  that's the greatest thing

  I've heard all day.
  Let's go !'

  We went to lunch.
  But we didn't go
  where we normally would go.
  She chose instead at a quiet bistro
  with a private table.

  We had two martinis each
  and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

  On the way back to the office,
  Jane said, 'You know,
  It's such a beautiful day...
  We don't need to go straight back to the office,

  Do We ?'

  I responded,
  'I guess not.
  What do you have in mind ?'
  She said,
  'Let's drop by my apartment,
  it's just around the corner.'



  After arriving at her apartment,
  Jane turned to me and said,
  ' Boss, if you don't mind,
  I'm going to step into the bedroom

  for just a moment.

  I'll be right back.'
  'Ok.' I nervously replied.

  She went into the bedroom and,
  after a couple of minutes,
  she came out

  carrying a huge birthday cake ...
  Followed
  by my wife,
  my kids,
  and dozens of my friends
  and co-workers,
  all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked

Vegetarian Chicken!

2009-06-11T22:47:00.001-07:00

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara, you are a potato and tomato"!

-- Singh is King --

I love this Doctor

2009-06-11T22:45:00.001-07:00

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

AND REMEMBER:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

A Chinese Call center

2009-06-11T03:22:00.001-07:00

@ A Chinese Call center

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.......

Good Wan! (Good One! )

Thanks - Prajish

Motivation!

2009-04-02T02:39:00.001-07:00

In 1980, IDBI bank rejected loan for Ambani.

In 2008, Mukesh Ambani was planning to buy IDBI bank.

this shows nothing is impossible...

now in 2009, HDFC bank rejected loan for me...

but in 2020,

I'm planning to....

.

Apply for loan again!

Funny English (some old + new ones)

2009-03-24T06:47:00.001-07:00

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? "

************ ********* ***

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

************ ********* ***

once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."

************ ********* ***

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

************ ********* ***

dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

************ ********* ***

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

************ ********* ***

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

************ ********* ***

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

************ ********* ***

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

************ ********* ***

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

************ ********* ***

"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

************ ********* ***

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

************ ********* ***

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

************ ********* ***

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

************ ********* ***

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

************ ********* ***

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand.. You understand. Computer how understand??

************ ********* ***

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Pilot Vs Engineers

2009-03-24T06:44:00.001-07:00

Pilot Vs Engineers...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (Touch Wood & God Bless us All :-)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the > engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.