Rachel's Ramblings

Rachael Leaves a Fingerprint

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 16:05:00 +0000

Last year, a friend from work named Rachael passed away. She was a young, beautiful woman.

I remember her interviewing with my VP and SVP. I remember the self doubt on her face, how she clutched her portfolio closely--her big doll-like eyes wide. I noticed that she could turn on a big smile full of light. I remember her resume and the equivalent of a sell sheet for herself--a smart strategy for someone interviewing for a business development role.

Once she was hired, I remember how she and I would banter about the correct spelling of "Rachel/Rachael." We always disagreed.

My memories of Rachael are good evidence of this quote:

People May Not Remember Exactly What You Did or Said but They Will Always Remember How You Made Them Feel

Rachael was still in her mid-20s and she respected my experience and knowledge. When talking to her, I felt like a mentor, like I had something of value to offer her--my experience, wisdom, and knowledge. She noticed and commented on the little things that came naturally to me after so many years in health care business and in the corporate world. She reminded me of how far I had come and how I had something to offer those on the path behind me.

Even though the time that we worked together was short, our interactions relatively few--I still think about her a lot. Not only because of how she made me feel, but because her fingerprint remains.

She's in my phone.

She's still linked to me on LinkedIn.

She's still one of the options to select when I send an email and start typing "Rac...."

Until this week, she was in my Microsoft Communicator.

I have emails from her.

Rachael's fingerprint remains.

Bubbling and Gurgling

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 03:19:00 +0000

Over the past year I have written many posts in my head for this blog. Posts about appalling things I've witnessed and experienced in corporate America, posts about our kids and the cool things they are doing, posts about adjusting to life in a new community, posts about marriage, birthday posts, an anniversary post or two. They've stayed right where they were written--in my head.

The posts are starting to gurgle, bubble, add pressure--they have to get out. So I'm writing this post as a commitment, mostly to myself, to kick start the blogging. I have some really neat things to share and it's time to put them out there.

I'm looking forward to sharing more of my life and my thoughts.

Reviewing the Bucket List of 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 19:59:00 +0000

One of the great things about blogging is that I write what I'm thinking, I assume other people read it, and those words stick. They are out there in the universe, someone may hold me accountable for those words, and I am more likely to remember those thoughts.

I frequently go back to the words I wrote a year ago -- My Bucket List for 2010. As a refresher:

My goal for 2010 is to experience life and enjoy myself. Here's my list of what I'd like to do in 2010.

1. Sit on the beach and enjoy the sunshine.
2. Go camping for at least a week this summer.
3. Travel to a place I haven't been to with my family.
4. Read a book or two for fun.
5. Buy a bicycle and start a new habit.
6. Get closer to being caught up on my scrapbooking.
7. Make a new friend and strengthen existing relationships

I think that's a pretty full list for a year. I'm looking forward to reporting progress!

I never reported progress, but I thought about the first item on my bucket list a lot. "Sit on the beach and enjoy the sunshine."

When I made that list, I was thinking of the Illinois State Beach, which was less than 10 miles away from my home. I was thinking of those days that I stopped working at 5 p.m., came down the steps, fed the kids a little something, and took off for the beach. I only did it a few times, but it was really fun. After scrambling through the sand, I'd lay in the sand and feel the exhaustion and stress be pulled from my body. Ultimate relaxation.

I was thinking that I would try to do that more.

Who knew that instead, I would move 700 miles away and get to enjoy an Atlantic Ocean beach for the first time. (see post: Play in the Waves or Seek the Easy Path)

I did not realize that I would live a mile away from a community beach on a river (but brackish water because it mixes with the salt of the Chesapeake Bay). I did not know that I was going to be able to come home from work, walk four blocks, and sit on a green bench and soak up the view of the water.

I made that bucket list and I accomplished several of items on the list in ways I did not expect:

1. Sit on the beach and enjoy the sunshine: Near our new home in Maryland and in Delaware
2. Go camping for at least a week this summer: We camped for two weeks while trying to find a place to live. We were done with camping after that.
3. Travel to a place I haven't been to with my family: Moved to Maryland. While I had driven through when I was 20, it wasn't memorable.
7. Make a new friend and strengthen existing relationships: I was forced to make new friends. During the transition, Mark and I became the best of friends and learned that we could really rely on each other. For awhile, we only had each other. My friends in Illinois became a lifeline as I reached out by phone and Facebook.

I'm glad I wrote that bucket list. It's interesting to see how it worked out and how it didn't. I accomplished four out of seven goals, all four in ways I would have never anticipated.

Book Review: The Five Dysfunctions of a Team

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 22:48:00 +0000

A friend of mine is a good listener. She understands the challenges of navigating the complex relationships in the workplace. If there's an answer to a problem, she'll find it. Recently, she came to the East Coast for a work event, we met for dinner, and she gave me a book. I had to wait a week to read it, but I devoured it in a weekend (maybe it was just a Saturday afternoon, if I remember correctly).

The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, a Leadership Fable by Patrick Lencioni was fun to read, insightful, and thought provoking. Told as a story, the characters come alive and exhibit common behaviors in the workplace. I liked that the CEO character was a woman who was not a shark nor a bitch, but down-to-earth, smart, respectable, and strong. Personally, I could relate to her background as a teacher since teaching is my natural gift.

Throughout the story, the author illustrates the five dysfunctions and how they can be overcome. The five dysfunctions of a team are:
1. Absence of Trust
2. Fear of Conflict
3. Lack of Commitment
4. Avoidance of Accountability
5. Inattention to Results

My takeaways from the book are:

There needs to be a foundation of trust. If something or someone threatens that trust, it should be addressed. I see that a team needs to have channels for communication and the environment for voicing concerns (which is how trust and conflict intersect positively).
Conflict, disagreement is a positive. Without it, a bad idea may be implemented, which hurts the team.
The inattention to results referenced the importance of a team goal and vision, which should be put first in front of individual ego. I remember a situation in my team where someone put their ego first and it ended up hurting the team. I will speak up if such a situation happens again (since I now know that conflict is OK).
It's important to consentiously bring together a team for a purpose, to be strategic about leading and guiding, to be attentive to the team's cohesiveness and interpolitics.

The story was entertaining and used great examples of how each dysfunction shows up in the workplace, as well as ways that the dysfunction can be reversed.

I noticed a few pieces were missing. No character was described as being non-white. Maybe as a white reader, I assumed all the characters were white when in fact the characters trascended race and culture. But I doubt it. Also, the common behaviors I didn't see included were undermining each other and trash-talking, which seems to happen a lot in the workplace. I also found it unbelieveable that the former CEO let his position be taken by a woman and he took a lower position without any backstabbing and drama.

I found it difficult to read the last 40 pages that weren't part of the story, but typical non-fiction prose. After enjoying a story, it was difficult to get into reading the instructions on how to apply the principles illustrated into the story. Since I still don't have a deep understanding of how the author recommends overcoming the dysfunctions, I should probably re-read those pages and consider reading his other book about overcoming the dysfunctions of a team.

This book has wide applications. In any situation when two or more people need to work together to accomplish a goal, they can learn from The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. I can see it helping a group of volunteers, PTA, small business, executive team, sports team. I would recommend the book to anyone looking to understand how to create an effective team to achieve a goal.

Click Over and Say Hi to a New Blogger

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 13:15:00 +0000

Blogging has been an online journaling tool for me. It's a great way to put my opinions, thoughts, and feelings out there. It helps me refine my reactions to life. I am able to get the swirling thoughts out. I love the interaction with those who comment.

It's exciting when someone new starts blogging and my sister Melissa is just recently joined the ranks of we bloggers.

Her designs recently went to print on fabric, making a dream come true! I'll be blogging more as I use her fabric to create some pretty quilts and apparel.

Get to know Melissa and leave a comment: http://www.melissamariecollins.blogspot.com/. She has a vibrant personality and that's evident on her blog and in her art.

Inspiration for Crafting My Life

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 01:59:00 +0000

Plate spinning. Juggling. Mult-tasking. These are all words that describe what we need to do to keep up with what's going on. Facebook, blog posts in my email, Twitter, email, voicemails, texts....these are the source of constant electronic voices I heard throughtout the day--these messages add to the voices and real people in my life. I pay attention to what's been going on, but with half an ear, half an eye. I pick up information as I go along and partly process it.

On Twitter and in multiple email blog posts, I've been hearing this phrase "Crafting My Life" from Amber Strocel (strocel.com) (@amberstrocel). It really reasonates with me -- it's an active, creative phrase that reflects purposeful, active action to proactively and responsively respond creatively to what life brings. Action and reaction. Moving forward. Shaping. Amber is offering an online, 12-week self-paced course "Crafting My Life" and you can register here. It'll be a priority in 2011 for me to participate.

Another inspiration for Crafting My Life is my sister, Melissa Marie. Her fabric line, Tattoo, was released this fall and I'm so excited to turn her hand-drawn, artistic fabric into a lap blanket, quilts, and clothing. You can buy it here (Fern Hill). Her other lines Beautiful Trees and Wildwood are coming out soon. Fern Hill will be carrying them too. (Beautiful Trees and Wildwood is available now here: Shiisa Quilts) It's a lot of fabric and my home needs curtains and bedspreads....perfect collision that will lead to me sewing quite a bit. I expect that I'll be posting quite a bit about what I craft from her fabric lines (and other fabrics--I have my eye on a few other lines too).

My Etsy business, Bamboo Luxury, is a hobby business that keeps moving along. I sell a few things a month and make custom items for friends and family. I decided this summer that I would give it until the end of December to decide if I should continue or not. I decided to keep sewing and selling, even to look for opportunities to increase sales. To make money selling bamboo fabric goodies, I think I have to outsource the sewing and spend my time finding other outlets for spa goods. I'm not ready to do that. I sew in the evenings for the stress relief. But I am keeping an eye out for opportunity to further Craft My Life.

For 2011, Crafting My Life means that I spend time every day (or every week if daily is too ambitious) creating things out of fabric and that I focus on how to earn income independent of a cube.

Resolution for 2011 -- Eat More Turmeric

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 05:52:00 +0000

My resolution to eat more Turmeric in 2011 came about after I spent an hour in a health food store, looking at all the supplements I could take. Turmeric pills interested me. Apparently, it's an awesome spice with lots of health benefits:

Anti-inflammatory
Antioxidant
Anti-tumor
Anti-amyloid (amyloids are proteins that build up in brain tissue)
Improved female sex drive
Detox
Antiseptic
Improves stomach problems
Blood clot prevention

(source: wikipedia's turmeric entry)

Eating more Turmeric is a healthy and achievable goal. While I'm at it, I may try to eat as many different colors as I can in a day. An interesting challenge.

Jealousy Distorts Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 15:55:00 +0000

Sometimes I wonder if I was sent here to learn some important life lessons. It seems like every month I gain clarity and grow up a little more. This month's lesson is jealousy.

Recently, I was jealous of co-workers who go out for happy hour. They have ex-husbands who take their kids for the weekend or for a few nights a week (or they don't have children), so they have more time for themselves and they're not burdening anyone by taking the time to go out. It looks like they have it better, easier than me.

The reality?

I overheard a co-worker say, "I just don't want to be alone for the holidays again." She's not sure her ex treats their kids well when they're at his house.

Jealousy leads to forgetfulness. When I'm jealous, I forget that things aren't as rosy as they appear, that everyone struggles with something, that no one's life is totally easy. Everyone pays a price for what they have. The price may be time, relationships, independence, interdependence, money, health, future earning potential, freedom, pain, knowledge, the list goes on.

Once again, I was reminded that I am in a season that will change and I am very blessed.

Learning and Growing

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 21:53:00 +0000

A new job, a new community, new relationships, new geography, new traditions, new cultural nuances--all ingredients for lots of learning. When exploring and discovering, I've been amazed, shocked, confused, joyful, and have felt a wide range of emotions.

A few weeks ago, I called my sister and my dad answered. Turns out they were having dinner together. Without me. I felt far away and very sad. It lingered for several days.

I feel far away a lot. I look around me and see only a few people that I can sort of trust, might be there for me, that I like. Relationships are new, uncertain, and don't quite fit. There are people who promise for friendship, but I have not cultivated those friendship.

The Saturday after that phone call to my sister, I took the kids on an adventure to the beach only a short drive away. It was probably 80 degrees and I put the top down on the convertible. I headed toward a beach that we've looked for a few times, but this time I found it tucked away--the entrance hidden at the bottom of a hill and unmarked. I laid in the sand, searched for shark teeth, found sea glass, and enjoyed watching my children's playing in the water and sand with other children. It was the day I had longed for all week.

On the drive back, I took backroads and the beauty of Maryland was healing. I drank in the beauty of the canopy of trees, the waterside villages, and the winding roads. I saw myself making the same drive in Iowa in a vast expanse of land and open air--beautiful, but not in the same way. I felt at home in the forest, in the trees of Maryland. It was okay that I was far away from the people I love.

We are where we need to be in order to make dreams come true and to take care of our own family. I don't understand why we have to be so far away, but that will be clear when we have the advantage of hindsight. In the meantime, I hope we will find our community and connect solidly with those around us.

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 04:35:00 +0000

I think about blogging. I start posts in my head. I think about finishing all the posts sitting in my drafts. But maybe there's a reason they're sitting in my drafts....

Since I plugged in Google Analytics for my Etsy shop, I've been impressed on my shop's hits, but notice how low my blog hits are and I know there aren't comments. So, is anyone reading? What if no one is reading?

My posting has definitely slowed down and I only read a few blogs. I wish it was easier to get a post emailed and then reply with comments .

Recently, I had the idea that I should post a sign on my blog "Gone Living, Back Later." In the meantime, I'm enjoying the fact that SB is posting very reguarly on her blog: Love after a semi-hiatus, so maybe I'll be back too.

And Neil has inspiried me that maybe it's important to be a great commenter in his post: Blog Commenters. I know I fit commenting into my life, so perhaps I'll pursue that for awhile.

Sisterhood of Crafting

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 12:00:00 +0000

After I discovered bamboo velour when I purchased my first Goodmama cloth diaper, I decided that bamboo velour shouldn't just be for babies' butts. It should be part of all of our lives. We all need the silky softness of bamboo velour. While I make wonderfully soft towels, washcloths and blankets for babies, I think adults need bamboo velour goodies like pillow cases, towels, washcloths, pants, blankets, napkins, and anything else that can be dreamed.

When I was laid off this past January, I used the opportunity to do some things I've been wanting to do. I tried Curves (thanks, Hyacynth!) and I bought a few yards of bamboo/cotton. I started out by making some washcloths and a few towels. A trip to my brother's place for some photography and I opened up a little shop on Etsy -- Bamboo Luxury!

I had to take a break while relocating, wandering around Maryland, and unpacking. In the last month, I've added some more items and sewed some custom orders. I enjoy the sewing as it's relaxing and sales volume has been enough to keep me busy but not overwhelming.

When I'm sewing, selling, and dreaming up new ways to use bamboo fabrics, I feel connected to generations of women before me who have used their talents to supplement (or it served as the only) household income. It's invigorating to create something people want. I create something and someone buys it. So basic, yet so fulfilling.

Thoughts about moving back home

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 16:05:00 +0000

A few months ago I realized what it would feel like if I moved back to my home of origin--the place where I grew up and where many family members still live. In March and April, we were looking for work and trying to figure out what to do next. Moving back to Iowa was an option to consider, but I couldn't figure out why it seemed like such an unpleasant option. It was probably on the drive out here to Maryland when I figured out why.

Moving back to Iowa meant I had failed. It meant I couldn't make it out in the big world and had to go home. It meant I didn't have what it takes to succeed.

I don't know if other people who venture far from the nest feel the same way I do. I don't know if I will always feel this way and when it will be OK to move back.

I feel really homesick sometimes and want to move anywhere there are people who are safe and loving. So maybe someday I will choose safety and love over the need to prove myself or succeed. Or I will have proved myself and it will be the season for safety and love. Or maybe I will choose back not when I'm jobless and penniless, but when I have enough and want to live somewhere else and that somewhere else is near my family.

For now, my little family and I are right where we should be living and learning to adjust to all the changes.

Try to Fit a Gallon of Milk into a Drinking Glass

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 13:03:00 +0000

"How do you do it?

I have heard this question several times when women re-enter the workplace or suddenly have more responsibilities outside the home. I've heard more than once, "I don't know how you do it."

When I am not fully employed or otherwise committed, there are nearly 12 hours in every day to clean, cook, shop, talk to friends/family, blog, be creative and relax. But since I have returned to work, the available hours have shrunk to 3 to 5 hours each day, I can get more time if I sleep less.
Trying to "do it all" or fit what used to take 12 hours into 5 hours is impossible. It's like trying to fit a gallon of milk into a drinking glass.
My first response to the question, "How do you do it all?" is always: "I don't." My standards are lower. I try to spend time with family, complete one household chore, and recharge myself. Those are my three goals for the evening.

In response to the question "How do you do it?" I may ask, "How does your husband/partner do it?"

It's my observation that there are some things we could learn from men who come home from demanding jobs. When my husband comes home from a day at work, he plays with the kids and watches TV, reads or plays on the computer. He may pick up toys, put away clutter, make dinner, change diapers, vacuum and bathe children. He'll do other chores if I ask him.

Why he does not intrisically feel obliged to pressure himself to complete all the housework, write letters/emails to family, send birthday cards, schedule doctor appointments, research online is complex. But I have learned from him. I have stopped pressuring myself and narrowed the scope of my responsibilities. Evenings are primarily for relaxing and reconnecting.

Since a drinking glass can't become large enough to handle a gallon of milk, it must only accept as much milk as it can handle.

Disclaimer: I started this post a long time ago. I am finishing it because I think it's important to discuss the pressure many women put on themselves. But I had some nagging thoughts while trying to write this post. I am fortunate to have a spouse who is home in the evening, doesn't feel emasculated by housework, is physically able to do housework and is living in our home. I know that is not true for many households. I would appreciate learning from those who have a situation different from mine.

Bottom line: Household operations should be shared by the adults living in the home.

Play in the Waves or Seek the Easy Path?

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 12:51:00 +0000

We recently took a trip to the Atlantic Ocean. The cold, harsh waves were daunting, but eventually I moved into the ocean. As large waves gathered energy in the distance, my heart raced from the cold and the thrill. As the waves moved closer, I jumped and put my feet up. The waves carried me, moved me, pulled me. I became part of the ocean, if just a small piece, and part of its expanse.

After several thrilling and exhilarating encounters with the waves, I remembered my family digging in the sand and I left the ocean to join them on the beach. My heart was racing and I felt invigorated from the intense energy of the waves and the struggle to remain standing.

Recently, I realized that I have disdained the waves of life. For a long time, I have believed:

If I work hard enough or try hard enough, life will get easy.
Wealth = easy.
Better organization will lead to easy.
The goal of life is to achieve ease in all areas of life.
Difficulty, struggle, challenge = bad; easy = good.
Easy makes me happy.
I deserve easy.

Are these statements really true?

I am thinking of shedding this belief system and embracing the challenges of every day, week and month. While hope is a vital ingredient to staying alive, what I hope for can become refined. Do I hope for easiness or do I hope for something greater?

I don't know what it means to release the goal of ease and to face the waves of life, knowing that they can be harsh and punishing. They can also be thrilling and chilling. I do know that I will find out.

The Beginning of Independence

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 12:00:00 +0000

It's hard to explain to a first-time expecting mother what it's like to nurture a newborn. It's difficult to explain without scaring her as the words sound so negative, but a solid bond is created between mother and baby through this intense period. The immediate demands of the newborn, the inability to wait, sudden disruptions to quiet, the blending of night and day. And when breastfeeding, a newborn can be unrelenting. For months the baby takes, takes, takes.

Then there are smiles, then coos, then recognition in the eyes and milk-drunk smiles in sleep. The baby begins to laugh, grab at mom's face and interact. There is more development that solidifies the bond and makes parenting rewarding. My favorite part of breastfeeding through toddlerhood is the appreciation, almost fan club-like admiration of breastfeeding. There is gratitude, hugs and adorable "love you, mama."

It doesn't happen suddenly, so why is it surprising when I notice maturity in my almost-five year old son?

Thoughts and Reflection on Homelessness

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 12:47:00 +0000

This post has been sitting in my mind, unwritten. I've been wrestling with what to say and how to say it.

We were homeless.

It feels embarrassing. I'm middle class (usually), white, college-educated, and have a job. It's not supposed to happen to me, to my family. It's supposed to be those "other people" who contemplate sleeping in their car, who need food to eat, who need a few dollars to pay for gas to go to work. I worry about inciting pity. But in sharing my experience, I hope your eyes can be opened as mine were -- people are in need all around us. The opportunity to share is closer than we think. By telling my story, I hope that I am not diminishing the experience of those who are chronically homeless and do not have the advantages and privileges that I have.

One Friday in May I came "home" and didn't know where we were going to sleep the following night or the night after that or how I would manage going to work on Monday. How was I going to get dressed up for work if I had slept in my car? My suit jacket and dress pants wrinkled easily. I had to wash my hair. All those self-centered questions piled on top of the big, nagging question -- what about my kids?

It was pretty dumb to move to a new area and not know where we were going to live. We thought there were plenty of places to rent, just like in Chicagoland. As a friend said about the rental market in Chicago, "You choose where you want to live, you sign a lease, and move in." It's quite a bit more complicated in the DC Metro area.

We lived the first week in an Extended Stay. The second and third weeks we spent in a cabin at a campground. But when promised payment for contract work that I had done in April didn't arrive and we had spent our funds, we were stuck wondering where we were going to live during the fourth week. And we still hadn't finalized where we were going to be living in June. It looked like we were going to sign a lease for a June 1 move in, but nothing seemed to be going well.

But that Friday, the campground said we couldn't stay any longer, we didn't have money to pay for lodging anywhere and we had very little money for food or gas. We had stretched borrowed funds and a half a paycheck to make it and we had been counting on the money I had earned freelancing to be paid out in May, but it hadn't arrived.

There is nothing like the depth of fear felt when adequate shelter nor adequate food is available, especially when children are involved. We rationed our food toward the end of the week, certain the check would come. That Friday, we fed the children our last of the food and hoped the money would show up on Saturday in my bank account. It didn't.

I hope I never forget what it felt like that Saturday morning when I didn't know where we would sleep and what we would eat. I felt afraid, ashamed, sad, embarrassed, anxious, depressed.

Like lots of fairy tales, our story ends well. My sister loaned us her credit card number, which paid for a hotel and food, then she also also wired me some money for groceries and gas. That happy ending reveals how much privilege I enjoy and access to funds from a family member who has resources. So many do not have such resources.

What would my story have been if I hadn't had a sister who had available credit and cash to help? What if we really had been truly alone without resources? Is there someone in your circle, family, community, neighborhood who is need, but is too embarrassed, depressed, anxious, and/or ashamed to ask for help? Look around and generously give, because those in need may not look as you expect.

Relocation Ramblings: Work

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:56:00 +0000

We moved for a new job and opportunity for me. It was a big step, but felt really right. Some of the adjustments I've had to make at my new job:

Working outside the home (for real this time): A few months into my last job, the company opened a new office near my home and I transitioned from working full-time from home to working in an office (see End of an Era). Turns out, I ended up having a lot of flexibility and I usually only went into the office twice a week. Now I'm in the office every day and usually am gone at least 12 hours. Anna misses me. It's a long day for the husband who has to care for two children in a new environment. I don't like coming home so late.
Being around people continually: It took me a few weeks to realize, but the burden of putting on a friendly face and having a pleasant demeanor for hours is tiring. Before, when I was frustrated or annoyed with a situation I could grouse about it, listen to Pandora and recover. Maybe I made a phone call to a friend or co-worker and perhaps I stopped and had lunch with my family to remember what's really important in life. Now, I am in a cube, trying to sort it out, listening to Pandora on my Blackberry and attempting pleasantries. I think I'm kinda moody at work as I process the challenges before me.
Learning how to work with a bunch of guys: Working in healthcare for the past five years or so has meant that I've worked in a diverse (in terms of gender, not race) workplace where power was shared between men and women. My new employer does not have such a culture which means the dynamics, interpersonal interactions, unspoken messages, and behaviors could fill an anonymous blog. I didn't realize how much of a feminist I am and it's really hard to keep a lid on it at work. I may have found a few like-minded compatriots and that may help.
Starting a new job is tricky: There is a lot to do and it's hard to keep up with proving competence, becoming part of the team, adding value, making friends, figuring out who's dangerous, and determining who and what I should know. I probably think too much and worry that everything is "make or break it."
Trying to eat a healthy lunch and not spend money on going out to lunch: I hate preparing food the night before, we don't always have leftovers, and if I bought lunch everyday the cost would be ridiculous. Plus, buying lunch feels like a treat, which of course, I deserve every day.
Pondering when I'm supposed to exercise and do what I enjoy: It was only a few months ago when I was enjoying challenging my body at Grayslake Curves. I know exercise and strength training feels good. But I'm struggling with the same issues I blogged about in February of this year in my post: Getting on the Exercise Wagon. The issue of time and how I will spend it is still the big question. I also wonder how much time for myself do I need in order to feel relaxed and recharged. I miss blogging and its thoughtful release. I want to get out my sewing machine and cut out fabric on tables that aren't assembled yet. Farmville doesn't seem to cut it. I definitely need to talk by phone to friends and family to connect with my tribe and to people who love me. I am not bashful about working my way through my address book on my phone on the way home from work.

I hope to slip in some good posts about parenting and working, maybe even about working with a baby nearby. I have a lot to say. And I'll leave the drama out.

Hold My Hand

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 03:33:00 +0000

I feel best when I go for a walk after work. The little sidewalk-less stress of my village are enticing and the people I meet are open to chat, shake hands, and share stories--a welcome change from the cold neighborhood where we used to live. I can connect with my children as we walk the few blocks to the bay.

Tonight I took my son (J) and his new friend on a walk to the bay. They ran most of the journey both there and back. Teens were swinging, using swear words, and crawling over the playground equipment and so J and his friend went to explore the community building, running up the stairs and hitting empty soda pop cans. They walked along a log/tightrope. Then they played a weird domination game of conquering picnic tables. I say "weird" because I wonder how they learned to battle for possessions and territory. Complex influences, I'm sure.

On the way back, J ran a few blocks of the journey but returned to my side. He slipped his hands in mine and we walked the rest of the journey home together. I savored that time with his hand in mine while his friend examined the ditch water and threw rocks. I'm sure there will be a time when he will not so quickly hold my hand nor hold it so long, but instead will choose to run with his friend. He may come to value the opinion and validation his peers, it's part of the process. So I held those moments in my heart with his small hand in mine..

Relocation Ramblings

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 01:53:00 +0000

When talking to our kids about our relocation to Maryland, we called it "The Big Adventure." It has certainly been an adventure! Here's some highlights.

The Big Ride
We drove more than 700 miles and more than 12 hours to get from one place to another. We split up the kids between two cars and that worked pretty well. We stayed in an awesome Holiday Inn where we swam, played, and slept well. Until we got to Cleveland, the scenery looked much like what I've seen in Iowa and Illinois. After Cleveland, there were hills, trees and beautiful sights. Driving through West Virginia in the beginning of May was wonderful. It smelled like flowers!

The Big Wait
In the evening after my first day on the job, I went for a drive to the little community that I thought I would like to live in. Driving there included winding roads with vegetation going right up to the roads. I fell in love! Finding and getting a place to live took longer that we expected and was more challenging as well. In Iowa and the Chicago burbs, finding a place means choosing an apartment or house, meeting the landlord, handing over money, and moving in. It's more complicated and competitive here. But we finally signed the lease on a place that we loved at first sight.

Campground Adventure
After spending our first week in an Extended Stay, I found a more cost-effective and more suitable place for our family. We stayed at a campground that had cabins for rent. For two weeks, my husband and children enjoyed days outside, except when it rained and those days were long and tough for them. After a week of coming home to restless, disoriented and unhappy people (when we were at Extended Stay), it was so nice to see smiles.

New, Big Job
After the first few days, I could see that my new company needed me and my skills---that felt good. My position is a new one and relieves the burden of writing from several people, including my boss. At the end of four weeks, I was able to feel good about impacting the company. There are several challenges and I will be a better, smarter person after I figure out how to meet and beat those challenges.

The Big, Expensive Adventure
Hotels, gas, food, deposits, first month's rent, coin laundry, cabin in a campground, new tires, application fees for rentals, Chick Fil A, summer clothes, bills that still need to be paid.

Need I say more?

I am grateful to those in our tribe/village who have helped and the gracious neighbors we had while in the campground. Time to pay it back and forward!

I have so much more to write about and I hope that now we have consistent Internet access and I have more time that I will be able to write more. I have so much to reflect on as I have learned a lot about life, family, love, God, and culture.

Leaving My Village

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 13:03:00 +0000

In all my excitement of a new job, a new opportunity, a new adventure, I forgot that it would mean leaving. When making the decision to take a new job in a new place, I have known that it was the right thing to do--it resonated deeply within me that this is the path we should take. But now that the decision has been made and the path is clear, it has also become clear what I am leaving behind.

Today I'm leaving my village, taking my family to a place more than 700 miles away. I'm leaving friends who know what's like to parent small children, who share their experiences, who play. Friends who drop everything and join me in packing, waiting with me while my child was in surgery and sharing a meal.

It has taken me a long time to build a village. My husband and I moved here 10 years ago and left our families and friends to experience what Chicago had to offer. I made friends at work and one friend, Mary, was an adventure partner as we explored the best of Chicago. But it was when I became a parent that I started to really connect with people and feel like I belonged to a tribe.

I have belonged to a tribe of mostly women who strive to use Attachment Parenting principles when raising their children, who know what it's like to fail to meet their own standards of "should", who desperately need to know they are not alone. We have varying backgrounds, economic statuses, education levels, career paths and temperaments. But we are striving for the same goal.

I'm going to miss my tribe, my village and go where I don't have anyone who is a few minutes drive away and can come and help me. I know I will have friends who will talk by phone and chat online. My village is still accessible, but far away. I know I will make new friends.

I have received much from my tribe, my village. It won't be forgotten. Thank you and hugs to you all.

Sympathy for a Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 00:19:00 +0000

There are a lot of things I could write about today. While there is a lot on my mind, my friend Hyacynth's loss keeps coming to mind.

I found her words on a post (The Bigger Picture: the little things) the day after losing her dad to be especially touching.

Some moments seems so normal -- dancing with my kiddos in the living room, warning G. not to wrestle with baby E. too roughly, washing dishes. And then one tiny little thing -- a number, a t-shirt, my own coffee eyes -- sets off a grand finale of fireworks of memories in my mind. And I want so badly for the pain to stop blinding the here and now while simultaneously thanking God for the memories, praying they don't fade away into smoke after the vibrant fits of firework color are done dazzling, sparkling in the night sky.

I know that someday I will lose my parents and my heart anticipates the coming emptiness. My heart hurts for her and I tear up easily as I imagine her pain and loss.

"I'm sorry."

"Hugs"

Mere words do not seem to convey the depth of compassion I feel for my friend. But for now, Hyacynth, words are all I have--just know that I'm thinking and praying for you on your journey.

10 Years

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 13:12:00 +0000

Several years ago, I was visiting my family in Iowa and decided to stock up on groceries at my favorite grocery store -- Fareway. They carry just the basics and when I lived in Iowa, I found that I rarely went over budget because of the minimal temptations. When getting to checkout, I realized I only had a debit card/credit card, which they would only take if I used it like a debit card. Which, back then, my card wouldn't always work as a debit card across state lines.

I got to talking to the cashier and mentioned that I was living in the Chicago area and we might have difficulties with the transaction. She said that she had living in a suburb around Aurora for 10 years, but had returned to be near her family. I remember looking at her and thinking, "Ten years and then you left?" That encounter stuck with me because living anywhere for 10 years seemed like forever.

I guess I must be getting to an age where I have very clear memories of 10 years ago, so 10 years doesn't seem that long ago. And now, as part of my journey, we're leaving Chicago after 10 years.

We're moving to the East Coast in pursuit of new opportunities in the form of an interesting job, the allure of living near the ocean and the chance to explore new places. It's all happening really quickly so I'm sure I'll have to do some processing and you'll get the benefit of that.

Until then, I have to pack some boxes....

It's Not Too Much to Ask

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 04:45:00 +0000

Last Monday in the late afternoon, I met a friend for tea. I had worked most of that day on a project and my husband watched the kids. Around noon, he escaped for an hour or so to do an errand and then returned so I could meet my friend. As I drove to our meeting place, I examined how I felt--a little guilty for asking for the time and knew I shouldn't feel guilty about making time to reconnect with a friend.

It was so enjoyable catching up with my friend that we spent two hours talking. I had meant to go to Curves after that, but I had only intended to be with my friend for an hour. I thought of my husband wilting at home without me, so I went home. It was too much to ask him to spend all that time with the kids.

I was wrong. It wasn't too much to ask, he wasn't wilting. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot to ask of a person--spending 8 to 10 or more hours with two young children is no small feat for the average adult. But, if I had talked to my husband, he would have agreed to watch them a little longer while I worked out. I know not everyone has such a partner, but I do and I frequently don't give him enough credit.

A few weeks ago, Hyacynth (my health coach) and I had a good discussion about how I was doing with Curves and how I needed to go more frequently (see my previous post). She pointed out that since it takes me 1.5 hours three or four times a week, that equals 4.5 and 6 hours a week. Is my health worth 6 hours a week? Is 6 hours for me too much to ask?

At this point in my life, 5 or 6 hours is not too much to ask. I need to stop putting myself second so often and stop assuming my husband won't pitch hit. I will communicate my needs to my husband and then he will have the necessary information to meet them (applicable to more than just a work out schedule). These are areas where I struggle and hope to improve.

"It's Not Too Much to Ask" is my mantra when I get in the car and spend time on me. It keeps me going even though my life is busy, my children need me and writing deadlines are unrelenting.

It's not too much to ask: how would that mantra work for you?

P.S. Thanks to Dionna at Code Name: Mama for her post on API's blog Taking Care of Ourselves, which affirmed my realization and helped me see that many other people struggle with the same challenge of making time for self. I wish I could have found a way to link to it in the text.

Note: I have received a six-month membership to Grayslake Curves in exchange for blogging about my experience weekly.

Links to Cool Blog Posts

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 19:47:00 +0000

One of the barriers to cloth diapering can be daycare. Home daycare providers, daycare centers, other parent, nanny, friend, family member--they may be reluctant to use cloth diapers. This blog post about how to approach the discussion with your daycare provider is helpful. Cloth Diaper Whisperer: Cloth Diapers at Daycare Tools

When it comes to parenting my children, I'm trying to do something difficult. I'm trying to change myself and teach/model them something I'm still learning. Arwyn at Raising My Boychick recently posted about Teaching Patience and her post puts into words what I'm trying to accomplish. She also keeps it real by admitting that she's not perfect, but patience for her and her child is something she strives for and I can too.

A recently published study reveals that formula can be harmful and that breastfeeding is the optimal source of nutrition has inspired many thought provoking blog posts. My favorite on the topic was written by the Feminist Breeder: When it Comes to Breastfeeding, We Can't Handle the Truth, which also includes good quotes from other bloggers/women on Twitter. There are a few points she makes that resonate with me:

Women are lied to by formula companies and given misinformation by doctors, nurses and family members/friends.
Women's bodies create miracles--children--and those same bodies can make milk to feed them.
Get mad at the system that makes breastfeeding difficult and does little to support women.

I think her post puts blame where it belongs -- the system -- not on mothers. Feminist Breeder's post complements Annie at PhD in Parenting's post about the subject: It's Not About Picking on Moms.

I loved Lauren at Hobo Mama's post Hello, I'm a Dancer. I thought it was sad, but thought provoking that she defined herself as "too fat to...." She limited herself. How many times have my limitations been my own? It brings up the question I am going to be asking myself a lot over the next 16+ years. "How do I cultivate a positive body image in my daughter--both a positive image of herself and others?" Her post also made me feel good -- that it is possible to fulfill our dreams.

Just as I was about to tweet, "Aarggh, writer's block!" TheOrganicSister tweeted something similar and we had a good Twitter conversation about how to make the words come. I don't know if this post: Knowing Vs. Understanding was written that night, but if it was, she certainly overcame it. I appreciate her point about children:

But until they understand it for themselves, we’re likely just stoking their curiosity in the very thing we wish they’d avoid.

And another good point:

Knowledge and understanding are contagious. By your simply being there, taking care of the precautions and creating a winning environment, your kids will grow in their own understanding. They’ll ask questions (and have you present to answer them) and they’ll emulate your actions.

That's just a snapshot of all the goodness I've read this week. Check out my blogroll for more interesting things people are writing.

How's it going with Curves (Update 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Rambling Rachel) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 16:03:00 +0000

I have friends in real life who read my blog (*wave*) and the topic of "how it's going with Curves" comes up in conversation. I have a hard time faking, so you're going to get my honest opinion. Also, I'm writing on a few hours of sleep so I'm a little punchy. Enjoy!

It's amazing how much better I feel since I started working out at Curves. A week or so ago, I noticed that when I'm moving in place on the boards between machines, I have a bounce--I actually jog! That is amazing as I felt like I was permanently tied to the earth two months ago and would not dare defy gravity. Movement has led to more movement; it's not daunting to think about a walk to the park or to play outside with the kids.

I went jogging with Jensen last Monday night because he was an animal. It was a beautiful day and he spent the afternoon at the park with his dad, but he was still intensely energetic at 6 p.m. I decided to take him for a run. We ran a few blocks (I trailed behind my 4-year old, I'm ashamed to admit). After a few blocks, I had that minty burn I remembered when I ran the mile in gym class--an indicator that I'm still not in excellent shape (as if trailing a 4-year old is not a strong enough indicator). But I was also proud that I ran!

So, I've made progress in that I am getting strength and gumption back. I'm getting closer to my goals. But I'm also still a ways off from meeting my goals. The goals I set back in February are:

Want to hike, be active without being breathless by summer
Want to keep up with a kid on a bike

Curves has a nifty report that I got printed out at the end of last week and the numbers aren't quite what I wanted to see.

Only 14 visits since the end of February (I'd like to have more than that in just the month of April)
Small decrease in pounds and body fat
Increase in inches (I'm OKish with that as I'm building muscle--let's see what happens)

I need to increase the number of visits per week that I go to Curves to get closer to my goals. Summer is getting closer (warm spring is already here!) and I can't imagine that I could hike up the hills without passing out. I certainly can't keep up with my kid yet.

So, how am I doing with Curves? I feel like I have invested a little time and some effort and I have gained a little improvement in health. I'm ready and motivated to invest more time and effort and see what happens!

Note: I have received a six-month membership to Grayslake Curves in exchange for blogging about my experience weekly.