Anyway, a lady in the gym took off her glasses as she was doing her rounds, and I was struck by how small her eyes look without her glasses on. I say this with no bitchiness – it’s just that the observation was rather startling. Her eyes had looked lovely and well, big behind her glasses.

After mucking around online, I learnt that long-sighted lenses make your eyes look bigger. Well well, what do you know.

I almost wished that I had long sightedness instead. Bleah.

The weirdest thing is, I don’t think I know anyone who is long-sighted. Holler if you are, won’t you?

Of course, I have to mention how she painstakingly copied SIX pages of lyric just so she can serenade me from the pages (so cute!)

And then there is that incident where her friend chanced upon our cutesy neoprint and made a comment like ‘Wah, your mum’s quite fat’.

Our friend positively puffed up her chest and bellowed,

‘You don’t know anything ok! My mum is exercising now and she lost a lot of weight OK!’

She was still bristling indignant when she related the matter after ballet class. Heh.

On a sidenote:

Gean’s first day at school.

There’s something very poignant about this photo that I can’t put my finger on.

Me: I just thought of a great money making idea for Oz. I could knock on the neighbours’ doors and threaten to do a striptease. Think of all the money I could make from them just paying me not to do it. I’d just need to go door to door, say ‘hello’ and collect the payments.

He: No no… To save time, they can just deposit into your account.

Me: *screams with laughter* Exactly! I’d only show up for those who don’t make payment… *pretends to speak to neighbour: ‘So, Mr Longman, there is an outstanding payment from you. I’m afraid I’d have to…’ pretends to be ‘Mr Longman’ who looks all panicky: ‘No, no, please! My wife was ill so she couldn’t go to the bank yesterday! I’d pay tomorrow!!’

He: *raises his eyebrow ‘Tomorrow’?

Matthew 6:25

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?

I used to think that this had little to do with me till I learned that the Christian perspective of worry is a ’self-oriented assumption of responsibility’. Now that’s interesting to me because I am was a control freak who needs to be on top on everything I do, which is essentially, a worrywart. So yes, I have all the stress related afflictions you can imagine, which is frankly, stupidly self afflicted.

So, one of my resolutions in 2010 to be as cool as a cucumber and to trust in Jesus for all my wants and needs. Shalom!

And I gotta love how I get revelations in my life. It can be a thought placed in my mind, a messenger through spoken or written words or the best – in conversations with my kids during bedtime.

Germs was sharing with me about her church friend who was a stellar student  and who, would you believe it or not, never had a day of tuition or enrichment classes in her life. Yes, none of those Berries/ Kumon/ Tien Hsia/ so many other extras that kids need to plough through after school each day.

I thought about my kids.

Germs aced her English and Science despite no not much help from my department. No, I am so not the flashcards and home experiments kinda mom. I also love how she actively tries to improve herself in the Chinese language and to immense in the culture, despite us being a primarily English speaking household . I used to despise Chinese who proudly proclaimed themselves to be bananas, but now I just feel sad for them, that they have robbed themselves of a culture so richly steeped in history, values, pride and for want of an appropriate English word – ???So I am quite proud that she really makes the effort to read classics like ???? and to explore, say the origins of Chinese festivals. I have faith that she will do well again. Math is a subject that both she and I have been eluded of a natural aptitude so she is getting some help from a really competent teacher, who I can only say is a godsend. The rest of her time she spends doing what she enjoys – reading, playing games on her DS and FB, skateboarding and her school sports.

Gean, my baby girl, just started on Primary 1 this year (which should really warrant a post all of its own!). And bless her, she tells me in that innocence so devoid of arrogance and pride, she finds her P1 syllabus strangely easy. Which is to say that Wesley and YWCA have done great jobs in not only nurturing a kind, sensitive and loving child, they have also educated her well.

I then realize how unknowingly we have been blessed, that in my ridiculously relaxed attitude when it comes to the kids, that in my determination that they should enjoy their extremely limited childhood in this extremely competitive country, He has blessed the children so abundantly in every area, be it their studies, interests, sports, character, health and well being.

I shudder to think of what if, if I had been the same control freak in their lives as I had been in my own. I am humbly thankful.

What I am saying is, when we rest in God, He does his work which is so much more perfect than any one of us can ever achieve.

Time to aim for that level of wisdom in the other areas of my life! And yes, when I got hospitalized (yet again) for a gastro condition, it’s not a lack of blessing in the area of my health.  It’s really Him trying to get through my thick skull – let go.

Of course I didn’t. Bo eng lor, I spent the whole day kite-flying and cycling with my girls.

Not that I didn’t think that the way the group wriggled themselves into the hot seats were any decent, mind you. Subterfuge behaviour is not any self respecting Christian will endeavour towards, and I believe there were more than a few Christians who took exception to such funky tactics.

OK the thing is this. I never thought AWARE to be any organization to be representative of my rights or my beliefs. They did some good things for some people,  no doubt about it, but even in my moments of literal blue and black inflicted by the ex, AWARE had not one sliver of relevance in my life.

I am aware that this might not win me a popularity award (like that would stop me), but I make no apologies for saying this. How I stood up again and moved on with my life, how my mum carved a niche for herself a male-dominated workplace and the educational opportunities paved for my daughters etc etc. had not a fig to do with AWARE.

I respect the goal of equal rights, choice and opportunities, but the beauty of feminism and standing up for one’s own rights is exactly that – a personal empowerment and an individual responsibility. There is strength in numbers perhaps, but still, it is an individual responsibility. Not the empowerment of an organization to do it on your behalf. And certainly not to support the flawed argument fronting the hidden agenda of the old guard, which is to seize on the anti-gay element of COOS and work it with a frenzy to their advantage.

To sum it up, Josie Lau and group lost primarily because of their subterfuge tactics, the delusionally grandiose Thio Su Mien and most importantly the non action of a people who couldn’t bring themselves to support stealth tactics and who believed that religion had no place in a secular organization that aimed to cater to all women across race and religion. Not that we were all rooting so badly for the old guard.

Iif Josie and gang had not been sneaky from the start, had not been burdened with the Feminist Mentor (snort!) and had padded up on their media savvy, the old guard probably did not stand a chance. Indeed, going by the public sentiment and general comments in blogs, a lot of people seemed to think that the old guard are being a bunch of sore losers and were inclined to give the new (now old) exco a chance to prove themselves. Too bad they shot themselves in the foot with the ’sit down and shut up’ phrase (which the whole world repeated to death thereafter) and the antics demonstrated throughout the whole circus act.

And a circus act it was. Looking at the videos on youtube was painful, to say the least. Ladies who behaved unlike ladies (yes I know they were provoked, but still), tolerance and manners were left outside the locked doors, infantile snatching of microphones, shouting, shoving, threats and other ugliness which should not have seen the day were strangely celebrated in a proclaimed feat of victory for liberation, democracy and human rights.

I wonder.

The few who came out smelling like roses were people like Irene Ang who managed to put forth her argument in a most articulate and thankfully, non hysterical way, Braema Mathi who tried to put some sense into an unruly crowd and Josie Lau – yes, she carried herself in a dignified and collected manner throughout the ruckus despite being heckled and booed at, which is more than I say so for the rest of the fight club.

If you were there, and you remained calm and in control despite the circumstances and the environment, kudos to you too. Drop me a note, won’t you.

What was also interesting was the gay crowd’s response to the whole debacle. Except for a very vocal minority (though by the amount of noise they made, you would have thought they are the majority) who seemed to delight in a victim mentality and for whom ‘pro-family’, ‘Christian’ and ‘fundamentalist’ are dirtier profanities than ‘fuck’, the rest of the gay people seemed to take the view of the majority of the female population who did not attend the EGM – it had neither relevance nor impact and they probably don’t give a damn too.

I also don’t fathom the victim mentality. The last time I asked around, most people have gay and lesbian friends, some of whom we are even tight with. There is not one person in our circles of friends, extending beyond six degrees of separation, of whom we know to be ‘pro-family homophobes‘. Maybe I am moving in the wrong circles. Heck, even my mum who is so conservative that she blushes at the sight of my thongs hanging out to dry has this to say about gays – ‘they are also human, what‘.

And in all honesty, Singaporeans are quite a tolerant and even accepting bunch of people when it comes to gays and gay rights. At least we all co-exist peacefully though sometimes not so comfortably in a social context, which is more than I say for homosexual acceptance in countries like Iran, UAE or even our dear neighbour, Malaysia. So what if you have a few haters in a population of millions?

So, the way I see it, the whole saga had nothing to do with gay or anti-gay agendas (though it was cleverly made use of by the old guard) and religion (those nasty Christians!). It was all but a  painfully grace-less exit grandiosely peppered with different agendas and masterfully orchestrated by some.

So what if Josie and gang won? Do they have any real power to impose their anti-gay agenda? Well, they do if we let them. And that’s what I am saying, people.

Really at the end of the day, it’s a non issue. It doesn’t affect me in any way who controls AWARE. The rest of the female/ gay/ straight population who did not turn up at the EGM probably think so too.

And for those who fought so hard for the Josie Lau group to be removed and for the old guard to be reinstated – your tenacity and commitment in fighting for what you believed in were admirable. But. What now?

**

UPDATE

What do you know, the President of AWARE, Dana Lam has written to the press to protest about the ‘objectification of women’ and the ‘cost suffered by other women’. Again, I understand the unspoken expectation to write in and make some form of official objection given her position, but frankly I think it is more empowering to feel that women don’t need to be stood up for (even by another member of the sex) and to respect other women’s decisions and rights, though you might not agree with them. Unfortunately, despite her best efforts, there is that underlying current of one gender being pitted against the other.

Don’t get me wrong – I think the strength of women who come together for a common goal and purpose should not be underestimated. But as opposed to making a stand against a worldly sexism, how about the amplification of a stand for the healthy respect and appreciation of a woman’s beauty and strengths?

And trust me, men know the very difference between the women who welcome being valued proportionately to the size of their breasts, and those who want to be valued for their character and contribution.

In any case, how do you lose your own self worth, respect and dignity based on another’s behaviour?

To say that the ‘indignity is suffered only by one gender’ was probably stretching it a little. To be brutal, the very existence of women who ‘welcome being valued proportionally to their breasts’ is to make women who ‘want to be valued for their character and contribution’ look that much better.

After all, you must have stupid to showcase clever, non?

The kids and I had a grand time making cheesecake the other day. They were in charge of crushing the Oreo cookies for the base but made a fine mess all over the table and floor.

Germaine asked me if I was angry as I was cleaning up. I told her, “What is there to be angry about. Just clean up.”

I would have thrown a mini fit in the past

I also felt appalled at how I used to spend like the last of the big spenders.

And then there is that temper. I’d like to think that I have mellowed with time, but I wonder.

There is probably an enormous amount of anger and rebellion pent up in me because of the unhappiness in the last ten years. It probably dissipated over time, but I think a residual effect remains. I will never forget the one time I lost it and lashed out rather severely at a friend’s betrayal.  I did not like that person I became and that is what scares me. That need to hurt, and badly too.

I am sad to confess that this had not mellowed with time. I feel rather ominously that it is merely lying dormant till the ‘next big thing’. So I take the chicken(?) way of taking steps to pre-empt possible triggers. I distance myself from people from which I can sense potential trouble. I avoid certain situations where I might possible flare up.  In short, I walk away but still wish them all the best. Anger might not be a bad thing in certain situations but frankly, I value the peace and harmony in my life now way too much.

For now, I am the paragon of serenity.

For now, the mental image of me sticking chopsticks up their nose and making them say mama will do.

I kid.

On the note of jest, I share this ad which struck a chord with me.

What I really wanted to say is, I got tired of blogging and bloggers.

What is that, you say.  Aren’t you blogging right now.

No.

I am writing out my inner thoughts, not caring of an audience, its existence and its judgement. I am extending an online journal to a faceless stranger. No ads, no stats, no glory, no hits, no identity yet not deliberately anonymous  and honestly, I like it this way. It probably helps that not many know about this place too. The teeming masses (hah!) reading the other blog were starting to get to me.

I am that blogger who resists being a blogger and a wide readership. Like I said, I am quite a contradictory person. (Yes, the poor boyfriend)

Hollering out to an empty void and appreciating the lack of echoes. I guess I got tired of bloggers who blog a certain way to get a certain result but end up losing their inner voice along the way.

My voice will be hollering out noiselessly here.

Thanks for your concern. I must admit I am always (strangely and then pleasantly) surprised when people care.

Well to cut the drama, I was considering to shut  down this blog or to make it private. Feeling too claustrophobic and too vulnerable. People reading this blog that I do not have too high an opinion of. People stalking out this blog for possible ammunition (there she goes shopping again). People sticking their noses into places where they should not be. I have had so many noses sniffing at my virtual ass that I am starting to feel like I have a colonoscopy foisted on me.

It also does not help that my chronic neck and shoulder problem is flaring up worse than ever. It renders me unable to even type sometimes and for someone who depends on bringing in dough word by word, it is tragic.

Have you ever had the experience of having people whom you dislike or have a low regard for read your blog? Care to share your experience?

As for me, I do miss the days where I can talk freely about the snippets of my life to the audience that  comprises primarily of friends and friendly strangers. I am still pondering on my next step of action; that is to make this blog private or to start another blog. Do drop me a note/ comment if you would like to continue reading.

So anyway, here’s mine. Benevolent Ruler huh?

When it comes to Shaping Their Character, you’re

Specific Whether you’re an earth mother or a PTA president (or both!), you’re very concerned with setting specific expectations for your kids’ behavior. You do this both by telling them what to do and acting as a role model, and, in general, you expect them to follow your careful guidance. As a parent, you think you should be very actively involved in fostering your children’s growth, which includes determining what activities they should engage in – sports, tutoring, music, chores, art, yoga, whatever. When it comes to everything from family meals to manners and morals, you know what’s best.

When it comes to Making the Rules, you’re

A Benevolent Ruler When it comes to setting rules and expectations with your kids, you’re sort of a benevolent dictator – in the nicest way. When you know what’s best for them, there’s no need to discuss your decisions. But when it’s appropriate, you’re happy to take a more democratic approach and let your kids have their say. This kind of combination of firmness and fairness means that you can have open discussions with your children while still being able to assert your authority when it matters.

When it comes to Enforcing Discipline, you’re

Firm but Fair You’re firm, but fair. In general, you take an assertive approach to discipline. You think it’s best, since being direct lets kids know what’s expected of them. At the same time, parents like you indicated that children should be allowed some room to be free and explore; you’re happy for your kids to experiment and take chances (within reason), as long as they respect and obey their parents. There’s no purpose served by being overly strict.

Taken by Geanyne

Taken by Germaine

Although I had put on 25kg after the first pregnancy (weight that clung on to me like an ah lian clinging on to her ah beng), my weight had been somewhat constant over the last 10 years. I am at peace with myself, my body and size, though there are days where I feel impossibly fat.

It also helps that I totally see through my own bullshit – so get along with the delusions, excuses and self pity. I am big (and a greasy size 16), so what?

So don’t let the people out there tell you size 0 and not 10 is the way to go. You decide for yourself. Moreover, grooming and style makes for an attractive woman, not the label on the clothing. And that ex fatty who lost some weight and deem it fit to mock other fatties now?

I feel sad for her because it takes a certain amount of ugliness to put other people down.

And between you and me, slim camwhoring bloggers are a dime a dozen but a Queen Latifah size camwhoring blogger.. now that’s rare.

So yes, I am fat and happy. Shoot me.

Quite worthwhile for $2. Taste: 7/10

So my girl came in third for her category in the triathlon. She was a little peeved at losing out to boys – the first and second positions went to older boys. I was a little surprised that they did not segregate the sexes (this girls vs boys thing is so stale) but my guess is that they wanted to just make it a fun event rather than a competitive one.

The ‘prize’  is self explanatory too. No trophy or ribbons like in a competitive event, but a ‘winner’ sticker pasted on a huge tin of Milo.

Me, I am just glad she had fun.

Though I’ve always wondered about the authenticity of Saffy the Bust, Amanda the Gucci-ed lawyer, Barney Chen the gay, Karl the sad friend and Martha the dreadful harpy.

You mean to say these people don’t object to being immortalized for posterity in black and white? Either Jason Hahn has a wonderful hell of an imagination or his friends are extreme good sports.

Either way, it is cool.

Where is my Singapore
The one where our heritage is not trampled
by bureaucratic boots
The one where our culture is not manipulated
by political engineering
The one where we are not told
what our Mother Tongue is

Where is my Singapore
Cold new cement structures
in place of familiar landmarks
Gay world, 7 storey hotel, Van Kleef aquarium, Singapore National Theatre
What are these
our children ask

Where is my Singapore
A fig of imagination
or distant memory?
Plans to banish old buildings and old folks
hatched and birthed
In place, a spanking new Singapore.

Where is my Singapore
Where racial harmony is not racial tolerance
Where our mouths are not sealed
with sedition gags
Where we recognize that tolerance is
but failure in understanding

Where is my Singapore
Where there is no room
for pork barrel politics
Where proper discourse exists
without character assassination
Where welfare is not a dirty word

Where is my Singapore
Pieces of a broken whole.

It would be stupid ignorant of Mr Chee Hong Tat (or anyone else for that matter) to assume that the learning of dialects will automatically be at the expense of our mastery of English and Mandarin. For all the government’s monetary efforts (S$8 million, anyone?) to ‘preserve our heritage’, a move to eradicate our ancestors’ language, culture and customs is painfully contradictory. Gievn the fondness for degree holders and scholars in the government ministries, the lack of understanding and respect for the Chinese culture, heritage and linguistic history is rather unforgivable.

It’s crystal clear that we have been screwed over for political and economic manipulation. So frankly, they should stop screwing with our heritage and do what they do best – losing a couple more billions in portfolios.

And. I am still awed by how a senior civil servant could find no better word than ‘stupid‘ to articulate his arguments.

Foolish to advocate the learning of dialects

I REFER to yesterday’s article by Ms Jalelah Abu Baker (‘One generation – that’s all it takes ‘for a language to die”). It mentioned a quote from Dr Ng Bee Chin, acting head of Nanyang Technological University’s (NTU) Division of Linguistics and Multilingual Studies: ‘Although Singaporeans are still multilingual, 40 years ago, we were even more multilingual. Young children are not speaking some of these languages at all any more.’

To keep a language alive, it has to be used regularly. Using one language more frequently means less time for other languages. Hence, the more languages a person learns, the greater the difficulties of retaining them at a high level of fluency.

There are linguistically gifted individuals who can handle multiple languages, but Singapore’s experience over 50 years of implementing the bilingual education policy has shown that most people find it extremely difficult to cope with two languages when they are as diverse as English and Mandarin.

This is why we have discouraged the use of dialects. It interferes with the learning of Mandarin and English. Singaporeans have to master English. It is our common working language and the language which connects us with the world.

We also emphasised the learning of Mandarin, to make it the mother tongue for all Chinese Singaporeans, regardless of their dialect groups. This is the common language of the 1.3 billion people in China. To engage China, overseas Chinese and foreigners are learning Mandarin and not the dialects of the different Chinese provinces.

We have achieved progress with our bilingual education in the past few decades. Many Singaporeans are now fluent in both English and Mandarin. It would be stupid for any Singapore agency or NTU to advocate the learning of dialects, which must be at the expense of English and Mandarin.

That was the reason the Government stopped all dialect programmes on radio and television after 1979. Not to give conflicting signals, then Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew also stopped making speeches in Hokkien, which he had become fluent in after frequent use since 1961.

Chee Hong Tat
Principal Private Secretary
to the Minister Mentor

Aiyoh, so aunty, can or not.

Indeed, if you had told the uber cool me ten years ago who thought it was so unglamorous to even have to queue to get into a club (I expected to be signed in) that I would one day collect point stickers for my children, I would have laughed querulously in your face.

Then I would have baulked at leaving the partying behind to have kids.

Now, I would baulk at the thought of leaving the kids behind to go partying.

How things have changed.

As a mother who had killed and then jump-started the resume twice for both my kids, I have the privilege of having experienced both worlds – the seemingly repelling arenas of the stay at home mums (SAHM) and full time working mums (FTWM).

Having a common denominator of motherhood, you would have thought that we would all have grounds for bonding. Instead, an uneasy tension seem to exist between working and stay home mums which inevitably surfaces every now and then during discussions in online and offline conversations.

Why?

Everyone knows that stay home mum who will not hesitate to rub it in every working mum’s face that she virtuously takes care of her child all day and that working mum who flaunts her career and ‘proper use of education‘ to the stay home mum. I am taking the extreme spectrum of negatives here of course, but these differences are very real.

Indeed, which mum will relish the feeling of doubting if she has done enough for her child? Which mum likes to feel that her child is being shortchanged in one way or the other?

Not everyone has that luxury

I once spoke to a stay mum who said,

“If you give birth to them, you have to take care of them yourself.”

I agree with this to an extent but I was still nonplussed by her tunnel vision. Allow me to explain. I took eighteen months off for each of my children to take care of them from the time they were newborns. Why eighteen months? That was the ‘minimum age’ where they get accepted to child care centres. I did understand where she was coming from – I too did not want my ex’s parents, a babysitter or a domestic helper to take care of them then.

However, I did not see it fit to take the higher moral ground because

• Not everyone has the luxury to take eighteen months off to take care of their children.
• Some have good help and support from their family so there is no pressure for them to stop working.
• I personally know children who have been taken care of by their grandparents, a babysitter or a domestic helper and guess what? While there are the usual naughty and spoilt ones, there are also some happy and well adjusted children.

Perhaps she was undiplomatic or tactless. But definitely she’s not the only one. Everywhere I turn, in forums, in conversations, be it the formula versus breastfeeding debate, the working versus stay home mums debate, the attack of the momzillas – I see the “I’m right, you’re wrong” syndrome.

Individual choices

While some mothers may choose to stay at home and take care of their children, others choose to or have to work, and send their children to child care centres for different reasons – be it for the socializing with other children, or the necessity for a dual income household.

While I find it extremely condescending and narrow minded for a working mum to demean the economics of  ‘a wasted education’ on the part of the stay home mum (in fact, I find that it is put to good use in the daily nurturing and educating  of her child), I also find it extremely condescending and narrow minded for the stay home mum to question the quality time a working mum spends with her child and to proclaim that poor children of working mums suffer from neglect or self esteem problems.

I was working full time for the last 9 years (excluding the 3 years as a SAHM) and what do you know – they turned out  to be happy and well behaved children and even my friends who normally do not like children have nothing by praise for them.

Who is to say that the cake baked by the stay home mum automatically scores more points than the cake bought at the store by the working mum who might have rushed to the store from work and then back home to celebrate with her child?

Who is to say that the working mother’s children are a neglected lot?

The last thing any mother needs is to be made to feel guilty or inadequate.

Other Side of the Fence

One major gripe from stay home mums is that some working mums seem to think that it is a ‘taitai’ lifestyle for them – that they not only have the luxury to spend lots of quality time with their children, they also have the freedom to go for high tea, the gym, shopping etc. That might  be true for some SAHMs who also have domestic help, but in reality, many are wonder women who take on the role of housekeeper, disciplinarian, teacher, cook and driver, and sometimes more.

SAHMs might envy the FTWMs because the latter seemingly have a glamourous life away from the endless 24/7 drudgery of housework, kids, housework, cooking, housework, kids routine plus the luxury of having a bigger budget for  shopping and whathaveyous.

Well, some working mums I know do house chores on top of their daily 8 hours away to work. When I was working full time, I too did the house chores and cooked dinner for the children. And no, I did not have a maid due to my personal preference for privacy. And yes, it was tough with a capital T.

And yes I did that, but I wouldn’t condemn the other working mums who didn’t, or the stay home mums who didn’t have to work.

The fact is, it is never easy for a mum, regardless of whether she works or not. The problem is that some mums seem to have an opinion about how other mothers should be parenting their children, dissing the ‘other village of thought’ or taking an assumed ‘moral high ground’ about how the children of these other mothers will be so deprived or missing out on something etc.

On the other end of the scale, I have known some very questionable mothers in my lifetime and guess what? Their children seem to have grown up just fine. Children are so beautiful that way – we parents can screw up at times but still, they forge forward with their own personality, adventures and explorations.

At the end of the day

• Perhaps the first thing to do is to realize that it is none of your business. That’s right. That’s her child, her family, her parenting methods to bother about, not yours. Similarly, That’s my child, my family, my parenting methods to bother about, not yours. If you are a mother, you have lots on your plate already. I know that myself.

• Understanding versus assumption. It is easy to get all edgy and defensive if you assume that your parenting methods are being questioned or judged. Get to know the difficulties of the other camp to open your hearts in accepting that every family has different circumstances and situations.

• Banish the guilt. No mother should be made to feel guilty. You have the right to work, whether you need to financially or simply want to have a career. If a SAHM tries to tell you what to do, tell her to take a hike with her pram. Similarly, if a FTWM tries to pull a you-have-it-so-easy on you, mention the simple fact that your job is 24/7 and there are no ‘off days’.

• Make your decision.. then stand by it. As long as we know that we are doing the best we can for our family, anyone else’s opinion, diatribe or verbal diarrhoea does not matter.

• Don’t let another mum’s ‘issues’ affect you. That mum might behave in that judgmental and holier than thou manner because she has self esteem or security issues, or  because she envies what you have that she doesn’t. To validy her own importance and existence, she feels the need to trample on yours. Don’t stoop to her level. You know better.  You will always be the centre of your children’s universe and no one can ever take it away from you, no matter how hard they try.

Herein lies the delicate balance between honesty and diplomacy.

Do you tell your friend that she has B.O for her own good or do you hold your peace (and your breath) for fear of hurting her feelings?

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do‘?

I have no hard and fast answers but here’s what I tell the kids.

1. Honesty does not mean you can lash out at your friends and expect to get away with it.
2. Diplomacy does not mean telling a lie without blinking.
3. What is the objective and purpose?
4. Can you handle the consequences?

Honesty

It is not rocket science but it might be a lack of emotional quotient that makes some people not realize that ‘honesty’ is not an excuse for a no-holds barred verbal abuse or attack. It is not only what you say, but how you say it. I have met some people who persist in using ‘honesty’ as a shield for their disagreeable and questionable behaviour. It almost gives ‘honesty’ a bad name.

Diplomacy

To borrow from my earlier example:

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do’?

I don’t believe in blind support or blatant lying through your teeth because ‘that’s what friends do’. In fact, I believe that real friends should be able to tell each other the ugly truth but respecting each other’s feelings is still a matter of common sense. But like I always say, common sense is a commodity that is often not very common.

There is a difference in saying,

“Boy, your work really sucks big time. Forget it.” and,

“I think it still needs some improvement and finetuning. Ever thought of taking up some lessons?”

Basically you can say the same thing in two different ways – one that is endearing and the other, repelling.

Objective and Purpose

In wanting or needing to communicate something unpleasant to a friend, I will question the objective and purpose of doing so. Is it for his or her own good to know? Or is it a need to vent your anger which channels in the form of ‘honesty’? Look inside and answer honestly. Then you will know if you ‘need’ to say something.

Consequences

Finally, are you able to take the consequences despite of your best intentions? Say, if you tell a friend about her B.O problem out of the pure kindness of your heart and she still gets offended despite your best efforts. What then?

I tell the kids, “If you think that you can handle the worst consequences that can happen, and you still feel the need to say something, then most likely you think it is worth your while.”

Two ways about it – either the motivation to help is too strong, or the motivation to kick some ass is too overwhelming.

Either way, whatever the consequences, deal with it. It makes growing up that much more fun.

And whatever you choose to do, don’t whine about it afterwards.

Without going into false modesty that irks me so, I will simply confess that I am insanely and irrationally proud of my daughter – and rightfully so.

She’s beat 84 other girls to win this championship cup.

If hearts could explode with maternal pride, mine would have done so many times over.

It makes the 25 kg weight gain (which never really went away), the I-wanna-pull-my-hair-out-why-is-this-girl-such-a-mule frustration and the crazy work/ family juggling all worth it.

Oh, and she is taking part in a triathlon this Saturday.

Does my girl rock or does she rock?