Caption: Wayne and Birdman share moment.

RUMOR

A guard who works inside the same prison that Lil Wayne is currently spending his time in, tells us that many of the inmates try to flirt with Lil Wayne and give him flirtacious looks.  A guard saw a prisoner trying to get another prisoner to pass a love note to Lil Wayne.  The love note never got to Lil Wayne when it was intercepted by a guard.  The guard tells us, “It has to be tough being Lil Wayne right now.  Lil Wayne is one of the most heterosexual rappers of our generation.  It must be uncomfortable for Lil Wayne to see prison inmates constantly winking or smiling at him.”  Due to the guards line of work, he asked us not to post his name because he wants to protect his job.  Currently, the prison has put a ban to keep Lil Wayne from signing autographs for other prisoners.  The guard tells us, “I saw one prisoner try to sneak in some heart shaped candy that read, “Weezy 4 Life”, but the guards took the candy away before it got to Wayne.  This same prison inmate was seen writing romantic poetry on his cell wall, comparing Lil Wayne to a budding flower that would blossom if the prisoner was allowed to sprinkle his fertilizer on Wayne’s flower.  None of these prison inmates who have a crush/infatuation for Lil Wayne live in the same cell as Wayne.  So don’t worry.  The guard who wishes to remain anonymous tells us that this prison is a respectable prison and the guards won’t allow any of the prison inmates to do anything sexual to Lil Wayne.  Depending on how Lil Wayne spends his time in prison, it could really change the way he raps or creates music.

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Oh dear!  Want a bet whether or not the Jackson Estate is aware of this tasty treat from south of the US border?  We thought not, but then perhaps they have developed a sense of humor about how their finest son is represented within the advertising world.  Whether or not Michael Jackson is now moonwalking in his grave (his own version of spinning, no doubt) is a debate for another time or place.  However, the tasty combination of white and chocolate ice cream that makes up the Choco Jackson is something which – if it is condoned by the Jackson Clan – can only make us scratch our heads about that particular family even more.  By the way, the sequinned glove is not included in the purchase price.

Moroccan Dyslexia Rules KO

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Meanwhile, over in Morocco, the dyslexic locals have got it wrong again and what is more they most certainly failed Art 101.   If you need your undercarriage checked, gentlemen, we would certainly nor recommend this particular place.  It might well serve your right if you have been sucking on too many Choco Jacksons in any case but we would still advise caution.

Some Very British Humor

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The British are renowned the world over for their polite manners (which, yes, it must be admitted, often hides more venom than your average cobra) but sometimes that carapace of courtesy gives way to what lies beneath.  Often that can be a gleefully dark humor that belies the bleakness of – in this example – the fine British weather.  The pair of nooses adds the final touch to this wonderfully faux optimistic sign seen outside of a cafe in London’s Clerkenwell Road.  Perhaps the owner of the coffee shop knows his customers very well and knows that they will appreciate this.  Perhaps, too, he is a mind reader.  Given the recent weather in the UK, this is probably what most of the passersby may be thinking as they make their desultory way to work.

Pensioners Going Cheap

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There is nothing like a bit of ambiguity to raise the odd chuckle and this is no exception.  Although the true meaning is clear (as slightly muddy water) it can only be left to the imagination how many enquiries this barbers in Vancouver, British Columbia, has in the course of a working day.  Yes, I think perhaps I could do with a pensioner around the house to tidy up, cook and change channels for me on the TV.  At only thirteen dollars they are cheaper than canaries too.  Pensioners as pets, now there is a (worrying) thought.

Danger!

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There are times when a sign, if it is to be adapted – and then isn’t – is just too good an opportunity for some errant wag passing by with a marker pen.  This whole nightmare scenario could make a very decent B movie (OK, D movie).  After all, movies have been made about lots of other rabid animals, why shouldn’t llamas have their moment in the spotlight?

The Difference Speech Marks Can Make

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Just the addition of a pair of inverted commas and what people think about this somnambulistic senior really comes out.  Shame.  Bless.  Both.

You Do What?

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“Yay!  I got the job!” announces Jack at his local bar.  It had been a difficult recession for him, having being unemployed twice in the period of a year alone.  Desperate for work he had applied for jobs that he was not, strictly speaking, qualified to do and so becomes somewhat reticent about the finer details of his new employment.   Remaining somewhat reluctant to reveal what his new position actually is, a blushing Jack finally ‘fesses up – to the hilarity of his beer buddies and Betty behind the bar.  Hilarity ensues but Betty later notes down his cell phone number from the membership database.  As does Philip the bar’s owner.

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Perhaps this is where Jack now works.  Who can say exactly where he manages his asses.

Possibly the most Unfortunate Name on the Planet

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Now, what specialty do you think the fourth Doctor on this list has?  Doctor Richard Cockshott – or Dick to his friends – is probably an eye doctor (think about it).  One thing is true though – what this country needs right now is a Doctor.  Who?

Doctor In The Tardis

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Sometimes the good Doctor is careless.  Well, when you are fighting Daleks, Cybermen and other intergalactic hordes, sometimes you just get carried away.  Never mind, though, there are always people willing to tidy up after the murder and mayhem that usually ensues when the Tardis lands in the vicinity.  It can have a rather nasty effect on the environment and lead to a few holes in the space time fabric.  The Doctor’s earthly allies don’t always get it right though – surely a temporal closure might cause an inconvenience?

An Inconvenience Truth

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Talking of conveniences, it is usually simple enough to guess which is the male and which is the female toilet by a simple addition of a triangle in an obvious place on one of the stick figures.  This sign in Seoul, Korea, is a classic of the ‘Too Much Information’ variety.  This looks like you have to be built like Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights to take a leak in this convenience.  Plus if you are a woman and not undergoing primal scream therapy, forget it.

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This is for those men who think their middle name is Dirk anyway.

When Dirk runs out of that little something to put in his hair, he could always go for a little gorilla snot.  Wonder how well this product sells…?

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The Husband Crèche

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True, some men can be tiresome, whether it is for their annoying habit of exaggerating the length of their appendage(s) or simply by standing next to you when you are doing something incredibly important – like shopping for example.  Never fear, help is at hand – at least for the good ladies of Seven Oaks in England.  There they have the opportunity of taking advantage of this wonderful idea – a husband crèche.  How many husbands are still left there at the end of the day can only be guessed at.

Let’s Give Thanks

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Women may be a little less happy with this local service offered in San Francisco, California.  Even though it is in the spirit of Thanksgiving the local ladies might not be too impressed with the actual thanks their husbands might be giving in this colorful establishment.

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In fact, it doesn’t really bear thinking about, does it?  Just as you are getting on your Pork Joy Gloves on to baste one turkey – your errant husband may getting his own particular brand of pork joy elsewhere.  Oh dear.

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If you want to get revenge, ladies – give him this instead of the usual cranberry sauce.

English Abroad

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Of course there are times when travelling abroad that you realise that as much as the language is mauled at home there is no real comparison when it comes to how other nations sometimes use and abuse it.  Would you be confident that your meal will be exactly as you want it, considering the sign above?  Some countries, too, are pretty strict when it comes to western vices.  What exactly might you do though, if confronted with the sign below?

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Jazz Hands

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This one speaks for itself.  Watch where you are walking or the cast of Glee is going to get you.  Finally, though, this marvellous sign from Derbyshire in the UK.  Don’t say that the British – despite the fox hunted, badger baiting and hare coursing – don’t look after at least some of their animals.

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If this raised a smile – if nothing else – you may also like:

A Short Illustrated History of the Nerd

Photographic Proof That Cats are Evil and Plan World Domination

Unexpectedly Funny Things to do with Hamsters When You’re Bored

Journeys to the Far Side of the Internet

Beautiful Buildings for the Dirty Minded

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Beer -everyone’s favourite from Homer Simpson to, well, Homer Simpson.  He once said to Bart, “Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”  Well, fair enough, but there are dangers in having a little too much of the intoxicating liquor and when it comes to families that is often the worst environment in which to say yes to another excess.  Where there is a mother in law involved then things can just – occasionally – go from bad to worse.

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They call it a ménage a trios, if Wikipedia is to be believed.  Perhaps there is some sacrilege in altering vintage adverts to fit a more modern agenda.  Well, it has been said that after religion then advertising is the greatest force in the world.  As it turns out, in this day and age one can easily find death threats slipped under the door in the night if one is too outspoken about religion – of almost any variety (but there are two that stand out and I suspect you know to which I am referring).  So, to avoid being faced with a homicidal extremist in a wood in a hood then this particular writer will stick to poking fun at advertising.  And avoid the Mad Men where possible.

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Well, what can be said about this?  The bemused young lady is no doubt from Kansas – but she isn’t there anymore, no sir-ee bob.  As for the soldiers – quietly appraising her hairdo with their hands on their chins – you know that there is a queer eye for the straight girl going on there somewhere.  There may be a slight critique of her outfit going on there too – “What you wearing, Miss Thing?”  Perhaps the most blissfully funny – though innocent at the time – is the body of the ad.  “But they also brought back the old sense of friendliness that America stands for”.  What, no oil in the Philippines then?

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Well, who can honestly blame her with a pair of squabbling brats like that?  Well, with apologies to Forest Gump, life is like a movie.  If it sucks at the halfway point then it is more than likely that the rest of it is going to stink too.  Wouldn’t you walk out early?  Having said that, suicide more often than not is just a permanent solution to a problem that is – hopefully – just temporary.  What is more, most people just wouldn’t be able to forgive themselves knowing that they had just killed themselves.

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Nothing fixes a thing in the memory so well as the desire to forget it.   Some people just need to do things to get through the day – and where is the harm in that?  Some people seem to be born lucky and others have to take out life insurance.  However, if you rely on the rabbit’s foot a little too much, just remember one thing.  It didn’t do the rabbit much good, did it?

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It can only be guessed at what the reaction to these TV viewers would be if they had been told – in the middle of the nineteen fifties – that there would be an African-American in the White House at the start of the new millennium.  They might well indeed have gone off and eaten their own strange fruit, laced with something similar to that which Alan Turing used in that damn apple.   Like the advert says, these designs really set the pace and you have to keep up with the times, after all.

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Look, anyone can have a teenage crush.  It’s fine.

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Dan Quayle once famously said that Republicans understood the importance of ‘bondage’ between a mother and child.  Perhaps he was looking at too many Fieldcrest ads.  It has to be asked though – is this a before or after shot?  The young lady does seem to have something of a satisfied glow about her.

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Here is one for that Steampunk person inside you, the Retro iPhone.  This would be the ideal purchase if you are one of those people (like me) who – when the iPhone was first introduced – was left somewhat bewildered.  Not so much by the technology though, but by the inexplicable smugness of friends who brought the blasted device in to the bar (horror, after work) and then proceeded to kill the art of conversation – to death.  Drat those pesky applications.   Here, have a picture of me, flick, flick.  Oh, where am I, let’s see.  And just when you thought you had escaped those viral YouTube videos, here we go.

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OK, if he is so straight what is he about to do with those Weiners?  Incidentally, did you know that Weiner is also a last name?  It means the same as Wagner – and that is a wheelwright.  Not a lot of people know that.

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Adoption is a good thing.  Honest.

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Some people just have to have toast in the bath despite the inherent dangers it poses.   When she said she was going to go and get herself warm in the bath, she really meant it.  Sometimes honesty just doesn’t pay off.  As Oscar Wilde once remarked, “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.”  In this case, literally.

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“Drive the most powerful car in the world today”.  So goes the wording of this ad – but no one told him to be careful, did they?  Ho hum.  I guess that some days, you are a bug.  On others, a windshield.  Talking of which, have you ever noticed that after you have been through a car wash then a bug will invariably splat itself on the windshield.  The last thing that went through it’s mind?  Yes, you know that one.  More irritatingly though, when you are driving, how is it that bugs always know exactly where to splat themselves?  Right directly in front of your field of vision.  Variations on a theme are good.  So, on the same note… Daddy’s new girlfriend is just about to meet Mummy.

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How many times have you heard it said that animals often have better sense than humans?

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And so back to beer – one of the real great constants in life.  Frank Sinatra once said that he felt sorry for people who didn’t drink.  That was because that was the best they were going to feel all day.  Some great warped logic there, our Frank!  Let’s finish with a quote from Dave Barry.  ”Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

Acknowledgement

Huge thanks to bobster885 – you can see these and two hundred more at his Twisted Adverts photo stream.

My recent visit to the Mess of Alabama was almost triumphant. I have successfully set up a breeding programme of the Flickery Hammered Yellow and – should I be returned to the Zwicky Syndicate in the near future – I very much hope to set up a franchise. Those little tickly bits that make you laugh when you gobble them up are gorgeous. The locals call them fevvas.

My next stop – the Mess of California. For this mission I have two objectives. The first is to find the material the locals call boron to help me fix my ship. It seems that this California is the only place in Oosa where boron is mined.

Boron is necessary if I am to get my ship back to interplanetary status. My people, the Ollox use it as structural material and it plays an important part in the radiation shield. The neutrons in cosmic rays are moderated by materials high in light elements but are still a radiation hazard to me and whatever biological life forms I decide to take with me. Boron absorbs thermal neutrons quite nicely and so I am able to dump the absorption energy far enough away from me for it to be harmless.

The second is to acquire a Primary Mammalian Life form (PML) to aid me with my poor knowledge of Bluespot. It seems ironically pleasing that the motto of this area of OOSA is “Eureka” which means, in an old Bluespot language “I have found it”. A secondary objective is, of course, to taste more of the local delicacies.

I programmed in the Leapspace console. This is one of my few luxuries left – and enables me to go straight to my destination without having to resort to the local forms of transport. Furthermore it enables me to mould in to my surroundings without the local PMLs taking any sort of offense. The collection of boron was easy – I did it in a place called Yosemite.

The Mess of California is full of contradictions. While it is home to almost forty million PMLs it also contains areas that the PMLs have designated “parks” and have abandoned to wilderness. It really is a great waste of space and something that will have to be corrected when the invasion takes place.

It was in Yosemite that I was able to catch what is known locally as a Golden Trout. In my language trout means something unspeakable. However, I am always willing to try something new. Catching one was going to prove to be difficult as the creature is one which lives its entire life immersed in H20. However, the trusty old stun gun has its uses after all. In a few minutes I was able to catch and devour a few specimens. I must say, this little planet continues to amaze. What a fantastic treat!

Next, and finally, I had to catch a PML and return him to may ship for questioning.

I reasoned that I would go to a place where the PML populations spend a lot of their leisure time so I could more easily catch one at its ease. The most likely place seemed to be a population hub called San Francisco.

After leapspacing to my destination and taking the form of a random PML (I type in a number – and it chooses for me – I chose 871 this time) I arrived in a small room where the PML communication device was making a noise (this indicates to the PML that they should pick it up and yabber aimlessly in to it or demand a commodity). This I have since discovered is called a Phoneytell (which I will make use of in the future – it may be useful). I picked it up and enquired where I was. The PML told me I was close to an area called Castro,

As a note to myself, I have canceled the possibility of the PML Clinton, Hillary being a future Collab-Leader. Whatever happens, she is gong to be JUST FINE. Boy did she struggle with the De-Collaborator though!

Castro was ideal. It transpires it was an area favoured by PMLs who refer to themselves as Happy, Glad and Joyful. In fact, in the first habitation I visited, known on Bluespot as a Gaybar, I was approached by a PML within the first few minutes and asked if I was in need of companionship. I was able to retract the PML from its environment forthwith and leapspace back to my ship.

Unfortunately, the PML became hysterical and it was necessary to sedate it. When it gains consciousness I will question it.

My grandmother had a saying – “no wonder kids are daft” which she would say when she came across things (usually a short lived fad such as space hoppers or cabbage patch dolls) which greatly enamored the youth of the day but left her somewhat cold and bewildered. It may be a sign of my age but I think it’s started happening to me.

I came across the word “rickrolling” just a few days ago when listening in – nosey parker that I am – to a conversation between two of my teenage students. Upon enquiry I was blithely told I should know all about it as I had, after all, had a pulse, big hair and even bigger shoulder pads back in the eighties. My puzzled look led to the exhortation, “Rick Astley, RICK ASTLEY, you must remember him!”

The puzzled look became one of bewilderment (one of those moments when I became my grandmother – shudder!). I thought I was pretty up with net terminology (I’m always going on about Web2 and Wikis and Gen C, trendy guy that I like to think I am).

So what exactly does eighties pop star Rick Astley have to do with the internet? Has the almost forgotten about ex-heartthrob suddenly stolen the hearts of a new generation of young women? Has the resonant voice that stirred the bosom of a whole generation (and their mothers) experienced a revival? Who could say? This enquiring mind set about a little research.

My findings resulted in the “Granny Moment”. No wonder kids are daft!

Rickrolling, it seems, has its origins in a far older internet phenomenon, called duck rolling. This involved placing a blind link in an online discussion. The unaware user, keen to follow a strand on their subject of choice would click the link and end up visiting a page that had nothing to do with the subject at all. In fact, the link would generally lead to a page the contents of which would be literally a rolling duck. This became known quickly among internet wags as duckrolling.

So, things evolve. Instead of seeing a rolling duck, those who are now “rickrolled” find themselves on YouTube. As of last month, Rick’s 1987 hit “Never Gonna Give You up” had received twelve million hits. Not quite the revival he was looking for, I would guess.

It started on the day that “Grand Theft Auto 4” had its web premier. The traffic to the host website was so heavy that most people trying could not watch the trailer. An anonymous prankster took it upon himself to link everyone elsewhere. Under the guise of redirecting people to a leak of the trailer on YouTube, Mr (for it surely has to be a male!) Anonymous instead linked the Grand Theft Auto gamers to Mr Astley and his chirpy 20 year old hit. Why he chose Rick Astley will remain a mystery forever, or until the culprit is brought to justice and forced to sit in a darkened room listening to Barry Manillow for several months.

This was considered such a wheeze that it has quickly spread to other websites. In fact, rickrolling has become something of a global phenomenon. So, if in the near future you click a link and it leads to a deep and mellow voiced eighties crooner swinging his arms and telling you he isn’t ever going to give you up, then you have been rickrolled.

No wonder kids are daft……

Glob Ollox – Zwikky Syndicate

(See End for previous entries)

The PML term for a partitioned area of land is known as a State, which the Transcom tells me is close to the Zwikky word for mess. What little I have ascertained about the PML, I did not think self depreciation was one of their characteristics. However, it seems an accurate description so who am I to complain?

The Mess of Alabama – my first stop. Bluespot is proving an interesting place already. It is located quite a way from my ship but fortunately I was able to salvage the Leapspace console. This will enable me to go straight to my destination without having to resort to the local forms of transport.

My safety test of the most current form of vehicular transport led to some shockingly laughable results. I ascertained that I could probably override the primitive steering system but my discovery of the fuel source led to my ultimate rejection of this experiment. The PMLs use combustible fuel, by the toes of the Great Stalluking Goshbite!

So, although the Leapspace may be detected by the PML, I considered it the only viable way to get to this The Mess of Alabama.

The Mess of Alabama – by my findings is the best source of the mineral known locally as hematite I need to get my ship going again. Said mineral was collected easily from a place known as the DeSoto Caverns which reminded me of home. With time to spare before Sol-Set, I leapspaced to the Capitol, which is a place called Montgomery. I considered this a little strange as the major centre of PML population within this Mess is a settlement known as Birmingham. There seem to be many settlements named Birmingham on Bluespot. Perhaps they are named after minor deities. Must research further.

Brief History

This area of OOSA has a history of violence. Sub-groups of PMLs have incessantly wrangled over the land. The original inhabitants (know as Choctaw or possibly Lockjaw) were decimated several hundred Bluespot years ago by PMLs from other land masses. There was another upset during something which I translate as the Conflict of Autonomy. Then these usurpers fought between themselves during Bluespot Era 1861-1865. That seems to have been a real mess. Even now their historical documents argue over the causes of the C of A. Most recently there has been the Civility Movement of Bluespot Era 1955 to the present. This seemed to be a call for all PMLs to be nicer to each other. Oddly they seem to differentiate between each other for reasons of skin pigmentation, though to be honest I can’t tell the difference between any of them without close inspection. And my vocabulary to describe this differentiation eludes me at the moment.

During this Civility Movement many of the PMLs refused to use their Vehicles of Mass Transportation. Perhaps this was as a result of a similar safety experiment to the one I undertook recently.

Life Form Log

The interweb claims that the Flickery Hammered Yellow is revered by the local PLMs.

They seem to be right for once! Delicious, light meat and a really crunchy proboscis. I have captured several and hope to set up a small breeding colony on the ecopod back at the ship.

Population Demographics

The population seems to be static at around 4.5 million PMLs. We may have to introduce a breeding programme here or relocate PMLs from other Messes as this is nothing to boast about by PML standards and the Zwikky Consortium will demand an even spread of population.

The PMLs seem to break themselves voluntarily in to categories. There seem to be many in the Mess of Alabama but the two major ones refer to themselves as The Pinks and The Browns. The Pinks make up the majority in this Mess, about seventy percent. The Browns make up the rest with other much smaller minorities. The original inhabitants, the Lockjaw, make up only a half of one percent – a huge decline considering they made up 100% of the population only 500 Bluespot years ago. PMLs seem to embrace expansion but oddly to the detriment of the diversity of their own species population. Very strange. I must look in to their Procedure of Union at some point in the near future to see if there is any connection between fecundity and single-species variety.

Invasion Recommendation

With the history of conflict in The Mess of Alabama, my recommendation would be to partition this land for the forthcoming Olimpioid of the Zwikky Syndicate. The local PML population seems adept at violence and mayhem on a consistent and methodical level and could be ideal candidates for the Marathon of Pain.

They are so prone to PigStig (I have yet to find a suitable word for this strange condition so I have made one myself – combined from the words pigment and stigmatise) that we could enter them in teams according to their brownness or pinkness. The PMLs use the word racism but this seems to confer Separate Species Status on their sub-groups which is patently ludicrous. Of course, all this would make little difference to the Zwikky, as if I can’t tell the difference none of my kind will. However, it may give them competitive edge, perhaps.

Post Invasion PML Collab-Leader

In my considered opinion, the PML with self-reference coding of Cox-Arquette, Courtney would make a suitable Collab-Leader. It is a native of the Mess of Alabama and seems to have a hold on the population. They sit in front of boxes and view its diary of its time in a population centre known as New Amsterdam again and again. A familiar face may allow the PMLs to become accustomed to their altered status in a faster and more ordered manner than we might otherwise expect. If The Cox-Arquette PML conducts itself correctly we may elevate her to Potentate of OOSA. I have accordingly Leapspaced a Star Of Zwikky (which the PMLs will not be able to see) to the forehead of the Cox-Arquette PML to prepare its primitive mind for its future duties.

Note to Self

This culture is confusing. The little I have learned so far has, if anything decreased my understanding of the species. In order to learn more I may have to relieve one or two of them of their liberty for a short space of time. If I can train them they may even help setting up the Flickery Hammered Yellow colony. As I have had to return to the ship before Sol-Set, this will have to be at my next Leapspace destination – a place called CALIFORNIA.

Previous Entries

Entry The First-OOSA

Entry The First

My name is Glob Ollox (the two hundred and twenty third) and this is great. By the toes of the Great Stalluking Goshbite, just great! Trapped on a miserable little planet on the toilet rim of the galaxy! Absolutely just what I needed.

Why does this sort of thing always happen to me? Because I should never trust cheap foreign imports, that’s why! Due to interference from a new technology developed by the unexpected presence of a Primary Mammalian Life form (which I will refer to from now as the PML) of Bluespot my ship (upgraded in the Black Eyed Galaxy by a distinctly whiffy set of Sextanite cowboys from the Consortium of Reticula) has severely malfunctioned and is incapable of flight or communication with my people. I am not even able to record my thoughts and feelings privately to myself.

Fortunately I have managed to access this primitive information storage system in the hope my people will locate me – dead or alive – and if I have ceased being, be able to retrieve enough information to commence the planned invasion. There seems to be so much rubbish on this interweb thing that I will be able to keep a record of my findings without arousing the suspicions of the PML. Such is their incessant rambling it is doubtful whether any of them will stumble upon these sparse musings – let alone pay them any attention.

But I digress. I was sent to Bluespot my superiors in the Zwikky Syndicate. My ship landed as planned on one of the main continents of Bluespot. Initial scans indicated that the PML population of the northern part of the continent has increased by a huge factor since our initial survey. The scan also indicated that they had technologically developed, surprisingly and in complete contradiction to our findings, in the two thousand or so of their years since our last visit. Our last survey had detected an extinction likelihood of 99.9% recurring. This was a worry. So much so I decided to cloak my ship to avoid any possible detection.

I managed to conceal my ship within what appears to be a primitive religious structure.

That’s when things started to go wrong, damn those Sextanite scum! I was not even able to activate my distress beacon which means no one will suspect there is a problem until I do not return home. That’s not for fifty Bluespot years. Without flight and communication I am unable to leave Bluespot unless I can collect various components myself.

This is what I now plan to do. My mission, to complete the assessment of Bluespot will continue and I will record my findings here. While I do this I will attempt to locate and gather the necessary components to repair my ship. This will involve some travel. Food may be a problem. The Duplichow has also ceased to function. One my first foray I came across a PML with a smaller mammal, which I have since discovered via the interweb was something known as a “Canis familiaris” although the PML referred to it as Buddy. Much easier name to remember!

It tasted dreadful. No marks out of ten.

So, I will travel the length and breadth of this continent. The PML I encountered expired from what I suspect was a coronary overload at the first sight of me. His final words sounded like “Roz Well” – I have absolutely no idea what he meant. Perhaps my translator is malfunctioning too. However, I have adapted my shape as I suspect that it was perhaps my appearance which prompted his conversion to a state of non-being. It’s a pretty damn ugly shape if you ask me, but needs must.

This part of Bluespot seems to be called OOSA and is split up in to fifty component parts of various sizes. I have calculated that I will have visit each of these fifty parts and will log my findings accordingly.

The first part, or state as they are called here (and they do seem to be in various stages of disrepair), I must visit is called ALABAMA. I must say I have reservations – the name sounds like the name given to the nether regions of the great flightless Preen of Flangellotte Prime, which is only served to guests as an insult.

We shall see.

Adlai Stevenson

Many people consider Stevenson (1900 – 1965) an also-ran because he lost out to Dwight D Eisenhower in the 1952 and 1956 elections. As a result, though, he cannot be blamed for many of the things for which Dwighty baby is blamed. He was a man of great intellect and liberal ideas even though he came from Illinois. He was from a political family with some closetty skeletons not unlike the Kennedys (Stevenson killed a friend when he was 16, practicing his drill technique with a loaded rifle. We still read the same story ever day so some things never change). You could say he was the “West Wing” TV President that never was – his reputation for being an intellectual endeared him to many people but an awful lot were put off by the same thing. One quote that doesn’t appear in this list is “Americans do not like a smart man”, but it should be. We salute you Stevenson, the best President the US never had.

“I love Americans when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is they never try to talk English”

Saki

Saki (1870 – 1916) was really a chap called Hector Hugh Munro – Saki was his pen name (I would say nom de plume, what with the above quote about language, but with so many Americans reading this one would not wish to alienate. Not any further at least). He isn’t very well known these days, which is a shame. He wrote edgy stories with more than a little of the Dorothy Parker in them, if you get my drift. Perhaps the most famous line from his works is “Romance at short notice was her speciality”. Now, we all know someone like that, don’t we?

“When good Americans die they go to Paris. When bad Americans die they go to America”

Oscar Wilde

Wilde (1854 – 1900) was, despite the above, was charmed by America and feted by its citizens. Many people think he was English but in fact he was Irish and is best remembered for his plays such as The Importance of Being Earnest and An Ideal Husband. He was a major celebrity player of his day but fell from public grace when he was convicted of the crime of gross indecency. Basically he was sent down for being gay (and an uppity one at that!). The brilliance of his work, however, has ensured his immortality in our (slightly) more enlightened times.

“To Americans English manners are far more frightening than none at all.”

Randall Jarrell

Jarrell (1914 – 1965) was born the year the First World War broke out and hailed from Nashville, Tennessee. He is mostly known for his poetry and was killed by a speeding car. One wonders, as Jarrell had recently been treated for depression, whether or not he jumped in front of the car. Either way, having exhausted all his options he was run over by someone in the process of exhausting their own. His reputation is based on only 160 poems – one reason perhaps he is referred to as “minor”. Not Morris Minor, we hope!

“A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.”

Bill Vaughan

Vaughan (1915 – 1977) was a columnist born in Missouri. Which is ironic. He wrote for lots of fairly boring magazines, from “Reader’s Digest” to “Better Homes and Gardens”. I’m sleepy already. However, he remains popular amongst those who like homely, folks stuff. Pass me the sleeping pills, now. Sometimes prescient, though, my favourite quote of his is “Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes down the trees, then names the streets after them.” I mean, how many wisterias have you ever seen on “Desperate Housewives”?

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.”

George Carlin

The love child of Mae West and Lenny Bruce? Perhaps not, but Carlin (born in1937 and still alive – hurrah, someone on the list liveth!) is an expert when it comes to that heady cross of political and black humour. So political and black that in 1978 the Supreme Court said that the Government could regulate Carlin’s act when broadcast. No wonder so many Americans buy pickups, plaid shirts, enough fire power to wipe out a small Asian country (Vietnam excepted) and head for the hills. He was also the first person to host Saturday Night Live. So, how come so few have heard of him outside America?

“Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.”.”

Lily Tomlin

Possibly the greatest living lesbian in the world, Tomlin (1939 and still alive – a second on our list, we thank Sappho) has integrity. When AT&T offered her a cool half million to film an advert for them using her Ernestine incarnation (mouthy but good hearted telephonist) she turned them down, saying it would mean a loss of her artistic integrity. You go, girl! She has been in numerous films and is still going strong, with a remarkable, funny and sometime downright athletic for a woman her age, turn in “I Heart Huckabees” amongst others of late. Although appearing in the “West Wing” the closest she has ever come to shock and awe is playing opposite Dolly Parton and her eponymously named mammaries.

“In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning.”

A E Houseman

Houseman (1859 – 1936) was born in Fockbury in England, one of those place names that always raises a titter. Fockbury is fairly amusing in its own right as well. He won an open scholarship to Oxford and in later life taught there, even though Houseman had unexpectedly failed his final exams there. The failure has been blamed on repressed sexual feelings or one of his roommates (OK, all of you now going “ew”, like this never happens now even, give guy a chance. Victoria was on the throne at the time and homosexuality was against the law. Victoria didn’t even believe lesbians existed so quite what she would have made of Lily Tomlin is anyone’s guess. Ok – a long shot “We are not amused” possibly.) Back to Alfred Edward, his most famous poems are “The Shropshire Lad” cycle, which are as boring as they sound, I’m afraid. He did, however, stick up for Oscar Wilde after his trial with his poem “Oh who is that young sinner with the handcuffs on his wrists?” which was nice.

“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”

Dan Rather

Rather (1931 – present) was the news anchor for CBS evening news and had his own show on cable as well. He contributed to “60 minutes” as well and famously launched a law suit against the show when he felt that he had been denied airtime on it. Seventy Million dollars worth of airtime it seems. He gave two million dollars to his University (Sam Houston State) in 2006, which was the largest gift that the university had ever received (can’t be much good then). His time in Afghanistan during the Soviet Invasion of the eighties gained him the nickname “Gunga Dan”. In 1990 he interviewed Sadam Hussein who said to him “The United States depends on the Air Force. The Air Force has never decided a war in the history of wars”. Nagasaki and Hiroshima aside, the Hussein chappy got it somewhat wrong. A brave journalist Rather had gained the right to say of those in his profession in 2006 “What many of us need is a spine transplant.”

“Half the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.”

Gore Vidal

Ah Gore! If America had a king, this guy would probably want to be it! However, like Stevenson at the top of his list, he is far too much the intellectual to be much liked at home and currently resides in Italy. He wrote the first American novel – The City and The Pillar (1948) that featured unambiguous and in your face homosexuality. He was born in 1925 and dropped his two first names Eugene Luther in his teens. His taken name, Gore was the surname of his grandfather, Thomas Gore, who was an Oklahoman Senator. Thus it is that Gore Vidal and Al Gore are related despite their common name being at opposite ends, as it were. He will probably be best remembered for his 1968 novel (his third) “Myra Breckinridge”. He unambiguously believes that Iraq and Afghanistan were planned well in advance of 9/11 and only time will prove him right. Or wrong.

“Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned,
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned.”

Congreve (1670 – 1729) is best known for the 1700 play The Way Of The World. Raised in Ireland he was best mates with Jonathan Swift (writer of Gulliver’s Travels). He achieved huge success with is first five plays but the taste of the English public changed and the sexual comedy of manners he was so brilliant at writing became Last Year’s Thing. So, he went in to politics. Which was a shame.

Germaine Greer

“Love, love, love – all the wretched cant about it, masking egotism, lust, masochism, fantasy under a mythology of sentimental postures, a welter of self-induced miseries and joys, blinding and masking the essential personalities in the frozen gestures of courtship, in the kissing and the dating and the desire, the compliments and the quarrels which vivify its barrenness.”

Greer (1939 – present) was born in Australia and many people thoroughly wish she had stayed there. Although regarded as one of the foremost feminists of the late twentieth century her acerbic tongue has offended as many as she has delighted. In her later life she has become something of a TV talking head – and pops up on many shows that her younger self would no doubt have despised.

Oliver Goldsmith

“Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals; love an abject intercourse between tyrants and slaves.”

Goldsmith (1730 – 1744) brought the world some fabulous plays and novels. The Vicar of Wakefield is one of his, as is She Stoops To Conquer. Lesser k known is the fact that he wrote the children’s story Little Goody Two Shoes – so giving us one of the most irritating playground names ever. Thanks Oliver!

Lord Byron, from Don Juan

“Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.”

Mad, Bad and Dangerous to know! That’s how Lady Caroline Lamb described Byron (1788 – 1824) and she was pretty much right. His most famous works are Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage and Don Juan. He is still very popular as much, I suspect, for his reputation as his poetry. His daughter Ada Lovelace is widely acknowledged as the first programmer – she worked on the predecessor to what you are using now with Charles Babbage. So if it hadn’t been for the mad, bad and dangerous Lord, you might not be reading this now!

Maurice Chevalier

“Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.”

Chevalier (1888 – 1972) actually wrote the song Valentine which is still popular today. With this straw hat and impeccable French manners he charmed audiences around the world. Essentially a man of contradictions, during the Second World War he gave concerts for German soldiers while at the same time having a Jewish girlfriend, Nita Ray.

In 1970 he record the themes for the Disney cartoon The Aristocats, for which he is still fondly remembered.

Marcel Proust, A la recherché du temps perdu

“There can be no peace of mind in love, since the advantage one has
secured is never anything but a fresh starting-point for further
desires.”

Referred to in a Monty Python sketch as an example of a sane person, Proust (1871 – 1922) is considered one of the best novelists ever, despite his short life. He is best remembered for Remembrance Of Things Past, the last part of which was published in 1927 when Proust himself fell very much in to that category.

Henry Fielding

“What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a
voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white flesh.”

Fielding (1707 – 1774) was a satirist and novelist who lent a young Welsh singer of the twentieth century the name of his most famous novel as his stage name. So was born Tom Jones. As well as his fame as a writer, Fielding and his brother formed the first police force in London – The Bow Street Runners the story of which in 2008 was adapted for TV in the series City Of Vice.

Francois Rochefoucauld

“There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other”

Rochefoucauld (1613 – 1680) was unfortunate enough to be born a noble at a time when the French court changed back and forth from helping them to chopping off their heads on a regular basis. He is best known for his Memoirs, which offended so many of his friends on publication that he denied he had written it. Then he said he had. Then he denied it. As oscillatory as the times, in other words!

W Somerset Maugham

“Because women can do nothing except love, they’ve given it a ridiculous importance.”

Maugham (1874 – 1965), playwright, short story writer and novelist. At his height in the thirties he was the highest paid in his profession. His greatest work is Of Human Bondage. The novel was partly biographical. The main character’s club foot was an echo of Maugham’s own stutter, which plagued him all his life. Poor old W!

Sigmund Freud

“Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love with hate.”

The Father of Psychoanalysis, Freud (1856 – 1939) could be seen as the originator of the global, but particularly American fixation with psychiatry. He was the first to express the idea that sexual desire is the primary motivator in human life. I think we probably could have told him that! He also valued dreams as an insight in to our unconscious desires. You love him or hate him. Freud is spoken of as the greatest charlatan of the medical world and the saviour of modern humanity in the same breath. Don’t you just love contradictions?