Pure Community Ministries

Being Right vs. Being Truthful

john — Tue, 08 May 2012 19:45:05 +0000

There is a big difference between being “right” and being “truthful”

One is prideful, the other is humble
One is condemning, the other is graceful
One is rejecting, the other is accepting
One is hurtful, the other is loving
One argues, the other simply proclaims
One requires proof, the other stands on its own

Remember this the next time you get into a situation where you believe you are “right” and the other person is “wrong.”

I had a counselor once tell me, “The truth is not optional, but timing and method are.” We should speak the truth in love. If we cannot do that, we should probably keep our words to ourselves until we can!

My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do? (Part 2)

john — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 12:51:33 +0000

Tough-love conversations frequently fail because they either express love at the expense of taking a tough stand against sinful behavior (enabling), or they confront sinful behavior without regard for love (rejection). In Part 1 of this article, I outline the first of three steps to follow when confronting a loved one who is willfully engaging in sinful behavior, specifically, a husband who continues to view pornography. As I stated, the first three steps amount to the “tough” portion of the conversation. First, we name the sin. Second, we clarify the consequences of that sin by establishing healthy boundaries. Third, we call for repentance without begging or sacrificing dignity.

You may have noticed that each successive step requires more maturity than the one before it. Consequently, each step is increasingly rare. To name someone’s sinful activity without demeaning his or her worth requires uncommon wisdom. Very few people see the subtle, yet profound difference between these two statements:

“You are lying.”

“You are a liar.”

One states an objective fact that can be either proven or refuted. The other presumes to judge a person’s character—a right the Lord reserves for Himself alone.

To establish healthy boundaries without seeking vengeance is exceedingly level-headed, and requires even greater maturity. More often than not, we respond to hurtful behavior by seeking to hurt in return, primarily because we hope that the pain of our offender will satisfy our need for empathy. How rare it is when someone says simply, “I can’t stop your destructive behavior, but I can refuse to be in your presence while you sin and I can limit my exposure to the negative consequences of your choices.”

To call for repentance while resisting the urge to coerce, control, or beg is even rarer still. So, steps #4 and #5 will probably come as a complete surprise to the husband solidly entrenched in his affair with pornography.

Again, each step requires forethought and planning, and all five should be presented at once in a compassionate conversation.

Step 4: Offer a plan for reconciliation and, ultimately, complete restoration.

Work with a counselor to form a specific plan for reconciliation and the rebuilding of trust. You have undoubtedly heard the words, “I’m sorry, I promise I’ll change,” enough times to recognize them as meaningless. (My friend and colleague, Dr. Bryce Klabunde, has written an outstanding article explaining how to recognize genuine repentance, titled “I’ll Change, I Primise” Six Signs of Genuine Repentance.”) Good intentions are not enough—for either of you. He likely feels powerless to stop his behavior and you have no reason to trust that he will guard his mind for you. Neither his self-control nor your trust will be restored overnight. It’s a gradual process and it must be intentional.

This restoration process must include three essential components: individual treatment, ongoing accountability, and couple’s counseling. Depending upon the severity of your husband’s activity, individual treatment may include in-patient treatment at a special facility, intensive workshops with trained professionals, individual counseling, assigned reading, or a combination. (The article, “Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently” will help you assess the severity of your husband’s problem and suggests several resources to help you addressing them.)

Ongoing accountability is essential for any man who has intentionally viewed pornography . . . and a generally good idea for all men. An accountability relationship with a male mentor, such as a pastor, counselor, elder, father, or authority figure is ideal. A small accountability group of men can be helpful, as long as the other men do not struggle with this issue. The role of an accountability partner is to look your husband in the eye on a regular basis and ask tough questions.

Accountability must also include the installation of accountability and/or filtering software, such as Covenant Eyes. The primary purpose is to make accidental exposure to pornography less likely and to add the much-needed element of consequences to the recovery process. Your husband simply installs this software on any computer he uses, and it sends regular reports of his Internet activity to an accountability partner. This partner should be someone you trust to notify you if he suspects your husband has relapsed.

While every man is accountable to his wife, it is not wise for you to be his accountability partner in this matter. Once your husband is on the road to recovery, and your emotional wounds have begun to heal, you will not want his accountability as much as his intimacy.

Eventually, after your husband has dedicated himself to individual recovery and has established a solid track record of clean accountability, couple’s counseling will help rebuild mental, emotional, and physical intimacy. You may be involved in your husband’s individual counseling, but the purpose for your meeting together will have changed. Your union must be healed.

Step #4 is perhaps the most crucial element of a loving confrontation of sin. It is what turns vengeful condemnation into hopeful redemption. Offering a specific plan for reconciling the breach and for restoring your relationship is quintessentially God-like. That is what He does for us.

Step #5: Follow Through with Dependable Action

Tough love says what it means and means what it says. Tough love consistently follows through with dependable action, which is absolutely essential to success. Tough talk without tough action only compounds the problem. Furthermore, any discrepancy between words and deeds undermines dignity, which your husband must see in order to gain respect for you. Your husband must become convinced that the negative consequences for continued sin are real. He must also know that repentance will be met with your complete support in his recovery and your availability for intimacy as he works to regain your trust.

Put simply, you must follow through on your promises. If you have stated that physical intimacy is no longer possible until pornography is a thing of the past, then your resolve must not weaken. If you have promised to walk with him through recovery, then you steadfastly support him through that difficult process.

Plan for Success

The purpose of this tough-love confrontation is not to coerce or control your husband; it is merely to clarify three important facts. First, he has the power to decide the future of the marriage. Second, you want your marriage to be restored and you remain committed to him. Third, a refusal to turn away from the behavior that is destroying your marriage will lead to greater unhappiness for you both, while repentance will lead to complete restoration.

Because a moment like this holds such potential for either blessing or harm for everyone involved, plan it well. Think through each step with the help of someone you trust, preferably a trained counselor. I would even suggest putting everything in the form of a letter, which you could read to your husband. Then, he will have something to review later when doubts or questions arise. Just be sure to lace your words with love—firm, tender, uncompromising kindness.

If you and your spouse (I’m including men in this question) have struggled with this issue in the past, how did you resolve it? Use discretion, of course, but share your wisdom with others who need direction.

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce

“You are lying.”

“You are a liar.”

One states an objective fact that can be either proven or refuted. The other presumes to judge a person’s character—a right the Lord reserves for Himself alone.

Again, each step requires forethought and planning, and all five should be presented at once in a compassionate conversation.

Step 4: Offer a plan for reconciliation and, ultimately, complete restoration.

Step #5: Follow Through with Dependable Action

Plan for Success

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce

My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do? (Part 1)

john — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 12:49:48 +0000

In the article, “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?,” I drew the conclusion that viewing pornography, by itself, does not constitute biblical grounds for divorce. Strictly speaking, it is neither the kind of sexual immorality (porneia) referenced by Jesus in His teaching on divorce (Matthew 5:31–32; 19:3–12), nor is it abandonment in the sense Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 7:15. However, the issue is far from settled. Declaring that divorce is not morally permissible in this circumstance is not to suggest that women have no recourse but to sit in their suffering. In fact, quite the opposite is true! Each wife wields immense influence in the life of her husband and bears a moral obligation to stand against his unrepentant sin, especially when that sin defiles the marriage bed.

In Redemptive Divorce, I describe an effective plan for confronting sinful behavior that is destructive to marriage. And if there is any transgression that qualifies, it is certainly addiction to pornography.

The Tough-Love Confrontation

The Lord is relentlessly loving yet utterly uncompromising when it comes to behavior that undermines our relationship. Similarly, we must be willing to stand firmly against sin. However, as many women have discovered, expressing anger or sorrow is not enough. No amount of arguing or tears will turn a sinner from his sin. It is a sad fact that when the Holy Spirit cracks the shell of a hardening heart, His tool of choice is usually the consequence of sin. Therefore, our response can be no different. For a tough-love confrontation to be truly effective, it must include no less than five essential steps. Moreover, each step must be thought out well in advance and then expressed with calm resolve at a single confrontation.

In this article, we will examine the first three steps. In “Part 2,” we will describe steps 4 and 5. As we examine the inner workings of a tough-love conversation, bear in mind that our goal is two-fold. First, we want to encourage someone we love to escape the deadly trap of sin. Vengeance is not ours to give, so punishment is not our purpose. Second, we want to reconcile the broken relationship and eventually restore trust. While we cannot compel another person to join us in repairing the breech, we can invite him or her. And that begins by making repentance more attractive than continued sin.

If your husband has already acknowledged his sin and demonstrates genuine repentance, I highly recommend Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy: When Your Marriage Is Invaded by Pornography by Renee and Clay Crosse (Serendipity House Books, 2008).

So, what should you do if your husband is having an affair with pornography? Plan these steps in advance, present them in a single conversation, and then follow through with what you have communicated.

Step 1: Name the sin.

Call your husband’s behavior what it is: sin. But don’t be surprised when this is met with resistance. Sinners always deny wrongdoing. And when that fails, they minimize the gravity of their behavior. And when that fails, they attempt to shift blame. Batterers claim to be provoked. Substance abusers blame others for their dependency. Adulterers point to the neglect of their spouses as the reason for cheating. Similarly, men who view pornography are no less creative with their excuses and blame-shifting. It goes all the way back to the Garden, where Adam pointed the finger at his wife and she, in turn, charged the serpent.

Your husband will likely try to blame your shortcomings as the reason for his sin. Let’s acknowledge that no mere mortal can ever claim to be completely above reproach; nevertheless, the failures of one person—regardless of how serious or how chronic—can ever justify the sin of another. No one is compelled to pursue evil. The responsibility for wrongdoing belongs exclusively to the person choosing destructive behavior. While you must be willing to address your own contribution to shortcomings in your marriage, it must never be a precondition to your husband’s setting aside pornography. There will be time enough for addressing past wrongs after he has removed this mind-warping influence from his life.

Denial, minimizing, and blame-shifting do not deserve a response. Instead, keep the focus on the real issue at hand: viewing pornography is a sin and there is never an excuse for sin.

Step 2: Clarify the consequences of unrepentant sin.

Describe the effect your husband’s sin continues to have on you personally. Describe how his viewing pornography affects your respect for him, your desire to be sexually intimate with him, and your desire to be his partner in life. Then—and this is where the courage of many women begins to falter—set boundaries based on these responses. For example:

David, I love you, but I have no desire to give my body to a man who willfully defiles his mind. In fact, I’m not comfortable sleeping in the same bed with you. Therefore, you should sleep in the guest room as long as you keep viewing porn. And if you refuse, then I will move in there.”

Or,

Michael, I want to support your career, but I have lost respect for you. To appear with you in public as a show of my support would be dishonest. Therefore, you will have to attend company functions without me. I won’t be going.”

While this might feel unkind or even manipulative, it is neither—as long as the boundaries you set reflect your authentic feelings. This is crucial. Our loving response to sin must come from a place of strength, which begins with a clear understanding of who we are and what behavior we find acceptable. As Henry Cloud and John Townsend explain,

Our model is God. He does not really ‘set limits’ on people to ‘make them’ behave. God sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, ‘You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house.’ Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome.

God limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act is destructive ways (Matt. 18:15–17; 1 Cor. 5:9–13). We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.”[1]

Setting boundaries is nothing more than refusing to engage in any behavior that betrays your conscience or forces you to behave one way on the outside while thinking or feeling the opposite within. This is not about getting even; it’s a matter of integrity. Furthermore, the goal of tough love is to allow your husband to suffer the consequences of his sin instead of leaving them entirely with you.

Step 3: Call for repentance.

Encourage your husband to repent of his sin—for his good as much as anyone’s. However, beware the temptation to beg if he fails to repent immediately. Your dignity will be far more compelling. Begging says, Please turn from your sin; I can’t live without you! Dignity, on the other hand, declares, When you have rejected your sin, I will be there to love and support you. This is crucial when communicating with a partner whose perception of right and wrong, good and bad, has been turned upside down by sin.

The Crucial Next Steps

Regrettably, most “tough-love” confrontations are unevenly weighted to one side or the other. A truly effective response to sin demands equal portions of love and “tough.” The first three steps are the tough portion of the conversation. What follows is love—responsible, reasonable, godly, respect-building love. Steps 4 and 5 turn what could become cruel condemnation into loving redemption. I discuss these in Part 2.

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce

Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?

john — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:49:11 +0000

I frequently receive questions from women who live with the continual anguish of a husband who regularly views pornography. Specifically, they want to know if viewing pornography is a legitimate basis for seeking divorce. It’s a question that comes up more often than I would like when dealing with wives of Christian men. Eventually, I realized that very few women actually want to end their marriages; they merely raise the question of divorce because they have grown weary of being ignored on the issue and cannot think of another means to stop the sin and put an end to their own pain.

So, bear with me as I don my theologian’s hat and answer the question from a biblical point of view. Is viewing pornography a legitimate basis for seeking divorce based on the teachings of Christ? In the article, My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?, I suggest another course of action that will confront this sin forcefully and effectively without necessarily ending the marriage. Also keep in mind that when pornography in the home threatens to harm someone—exposing the material to children, displaying it openly, potentially leading to physical or sexual abuse, etc.—the circumstances change. A redemptive divorce may be in order.

The Problem with Lust

The viewing of pornography is a difficult theological issue for several reasons. First, it did not exist (as we know it today) in the first century. Second, strictly speaking, it is a gray area between mental and physical sexual expression; more than mere lust, yet it fails to involve actual contact with another person. Third, the emotional wounds suffered by women are no less severe than outright adultery. But most confusing of all, the issue appears to bring together two statements of Christ, uniting the issues of lust, sexual immorality, and divorce. The logic goes like this:

Lust = Adultery [A = B] (Matthew 5:27–28)

Adultery = Grounds for Divorce [B = C] (Matthew 5:32; 19:9)

Therefore [A = C], Lust = Grounds for Divorce.

People should be commended for taking Scripture as a whole and bringing all relevant passages to bear on theological issues. However, we must understand each passage in its context before bringing them together. This is true of Jesus’ condemnation of lust and His teaching on divorce. Let’s look at each issue in its context.

Grounds for Divorce

Jesus taught that sexual immorality (porneia) severs the mystical union in the eyes of God (Matthew 5:32; 19:9), and permits the offended party to dissolve the marriage. (You might disagree with my conclusion, but for the sake of argument as it relates to the logic stated above, assume it to be true.)

The Greek word porneia is an umbrella term for a broad range of sexual sin, not just adultery. If He had wanted to limit His exception to adultery, He could have chosen the very common, more specific term moicheia. But He elected to use a term that originally stemmed from the idea of prostitution and, by the first century, encompassed a range of illicit sexual activities, including adultery, homosexuality, incest, bestiality, child molestation, etc. However, the term porneia, as used during Jesus’ time, always referred to activity involving physical contact with another person. If we take the “exception clauses” on their own, this does not include the sin of lust.

The Sin of Lust

Earlier in His ministry, Jesus commented on the teaching of the rabbis concerning the Law and then offered His clarification as the divine Author. “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill” (Matt. 5:17). He then took the opportunity to breathe new life into some Old Testament laws in order to correct the teaching of the Pharisees. Note how He presented His lessons:

“You have heard…” (v. 21), “But I say to you…” (v. 22), followed by teaching on murder and resentment.
“You have heard…” (v. 27), “But I say to you…” (v. 28), followed by teaching on adultery and lust.
“It was said…” (v. 31), “But I say to you…” (v. 32), followed by teaching on divorce and fidelity.
“You have heard…” (v. 33), “But I say to you…” (v. 34), followed by teaching on vows and integrity.
“You have heard…” (v. 38), “But I say to you…” (v. 39), followed by teaching on justice and kindness.
“You have heard…” (v. 43), “But I say to you…” (v. 44), followed by teaching on fair play and grace.

In each case, Jesus extended the application of the Law given through Moses to include what the rabbis had omitted. Furthermore, He amplified the divine revelation in the Old Testament to reveal the full measure of God’s standards. Not only must we refrain from murder, but we must also avoid hatred. Not only is adultery an abomination, so is lust.

While the laws of the Old Testament reflect God’s righteous character, they were primarily intended to regulate the public affairs of a nation, much like the laws of our own government. But we generally understand that a person must be more than merely law-abiding to be considered moral. Obedience to the law is a minimum standard. The rabbis in Jesus’ day not only reduced righteousness to mere obedience to the Law, but they also played clever word games with Scripture to lower the standard even further! They lowered the standard of righteousness in order to call themselves righteous.

When Jesus equated lust with adultery, He was not suggesting the men apply the Law accordingly. It was to point out their hypocrisy. It was to confront the wayward rabbis for lowering the standard of righteousness. It was to convict the self-righteous of their sin.

Correlating the Teaching of Christ on Lust and Divorce

As we examine the teaching of Christ on the Law, we must apply it in the New Covenant sense rather than under the Old Covenant. If we are to apply Jesus’ extension of the Old Covenant strictly (Lust = Adultery = Grounds for Divorce), we must do so consistently (Lust = Adultery = Grounds for STONING!)

When Jesus confronted the rabbis, His purpose was to show that no one can be called righteous, even those who are not guilty of murder or adultery. Our hearts are thoroughly polluted with sin; even our thoughts make us guilty. Therefore, ALL are guilty before God and ALL need His grace.

If we apply the teaching of Matthew 5:27–28 in the same spirit Jesus gave it, then equating lust with adultery is the kind of confrontation needed by men viewing pornography. They want to rationalize their sin by stating it doesn’t involve actual contact with another. We must help them raise the standard of righteousness, not lower it if they expect God to bless their marriages and hear their prayers (1 Peter 3:7).

Is viewing pornography grounds for divorce? I think not. However, there are ways short of outright divorce that can be just as effective. The article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?,” outlines a tough-love approach to the sin of viewing pornography. I also provide a rudimentary sex addiction assessment tool along with several suggested resources to address this potentially marriage-ending sin.

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce

Keep Pressing Ahead

john — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:59:53 +0000

One of my favorite Bible teachers is Chip Ingram. Every month, he gives away one of his sermon series absolutely free. This month it is his “Keep Pressing Ahead” series. You can download it all here…

This is the description of the six-part series:

There are times in our lives when we simply get to the point we say “I can’t take it anymore!” This depression is just too dark. This marriage is just too hard. The job I lost… the family member that I buried… the junk I’m going through. And deep down inside your heart you say, “I quit. I’m done.” And though you may go through the motions on the outside, you’ve just had it. Your mind says, “I’ve just got to trust God,” but your heart says, “I’ve heard it all before and it’s not working for me.” You begin to drift, from people and from God. This series, drawn from Nehemiah, will help you overcome adversity and keep you pressing ahead no matter what.

This series includes the following messages:

Facing Adversity

Facing Discouragement

Facing Internal Opposition

Facing Personal Attack

Facing Difficult Circumstances

Facing Personal Failure

The Pornographic Life

john — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 12:55:57 +0000

Tabletalk Magazine, from R.C. Sproul’s Ligonier Ministries, has published a powerful short article about pornography and the call to glorify God.

The Pornographic Life

The first paragraph alone is so very familiar – the seemingly unending cycle of sin that we find ourselves trapped in. We get so discouraged we don’t even want to pray, confess, or do anything. We become spiritually paralyzed and eventually spiritually cold and dead. There is a better way!

Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently

john — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 14:12:41 +0000

Challenges to personal integrity and sexual purity are nothing new. Almost from the beginning of creation, men and women have struggled to keep the gift of physical intimacy within the boundaries established by God in the Garden, when the first man and woman were “both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). Today, however, we live in an unprecedented time in which the trap of illicit sex can ensnare anyone, anywhere. The digital age has braided temptation, opportunity, and privacy into a single strand that threatens to bind any unwary soul with access to cable, satellite, or Internet service.

While everyone must confront the issue and decide how to respond, not everyone does so from the same vantage point. Some struggle with very little temptation and have almost no trouble making wise choices. Others find themselves under a constant barrage of enticing images and outright offers, and they occasionally fail. Still others feel trapped by compulsions they can neither understand nor control. And, quite often, a spouse or loved one watches the noose of sex addiction gradually close around the victim’s neck and feel powerless to stop it. (If you are the wife of a man having an affair with pornography, you don’t have to remain idle. You can do something. Click here to find out what.)

Obviously each individual needs a solution that appropriately addresses his or her particular set of circumstances. To help assess differing needs and offer suitable help, I have identified five stages of distorted sexuality based upon one’s disposition toward illicit sexual behavior. After each description of each stage, I suggest several practical means of addressing the issue.

Degrees of Sexual Impurity

Level 0: Customary Purity

We live in a culture given to impurity, and no one can escape the constant influence of television, movies, billboards, the Internet, and print. Yet many have learned to cultivate a habitual response that maintains a healthy sexuality. Their sex lives are characterized by rich, enjoyable lovemaking within the context of lifelong marriage to one partner. Sexuality for the single person in Level 0 may involve a robust anticipation of sharing physical intimacy with a future mate. Sexual expression for both married and single people jeopardizes neither one’s relationships nor self-image. Prurient images and inappropriate thoughts are categorically dismissed in favor of equally enjoyable fantasy that causes no guilt or shame. Sexuality is not compartmentalized in order to avoid self-reproach. Sex life and spirituality coexist and commingle with complete harmony.

Level 1: Unplanned/Incidental Impurity

A characteristically upright, even devout, life is occasionally punctuated by episodes of illicit behavior. A business traveler chooses the adult-oriented channel in the privacy of the motel room, or goes to a strip club, or purchases x-rated printed material, or engages in any level of sexual activity with someone other than his or her married partner. Someone surfing the Internet happens upon an erotic site, explores the content with interest, perhaps even to the point of satisfaction. A conversation in a chat room turns sexual and she or he engages in “virtual sex.” This kind of episode was not necessarily sought, but neither was it avoided or halted. No effort is made to avoid future episodes, as each one is considered something of a fluke that will not likely occur again. One’s reaction to such an event may determine whether he or she will continue down the path to sexual addiction.

Suggested Resources: The Purity Report , Education, Covenant Eyes, Accountability Relationships

Level 2: Episodes of Binging

A life normally characterized by integrity, and perhaps even deep spirituality, is interrupted by uncharacteristic sexual binging. These periods do not occur on a regular basis and may or may not involve activities that violate social norms, but they are deliberate. Preoccupation describes this stage and is an early sign of sexual addiction. The individual, often without explanation, becomes engrossed with thoughts of the illicit behavior that has brought satisfaction in the past. He or she looks for opportunity, even to the point of making plans, to engage in illicit behavior without detection. He or she has developed rationalizations to make the behavior morally defensible in an otherwise upright life. Sexuality has become carefully compartmentalized in order to preserve self-dignity and to keep the individual’s spiritual life unaffected.

Suggested Resources: The Purity Report, X3Pure, Education, Covenant Eyes, Out-patient Counseling, Accountability Relationships

Level 3: Ritualized Impurity

By this stage, the individual has established a regular habit of illicit behavior. Ritualization describes this individual’s pattern of illicit sexual fulfillment. Planning has become a part of the ritual, even serving to enhance the experience. Rationalizations, such as entitlement or self-preservation, are so well-rehearsed that guilt is rarely an issue, although the individual struggles with a growing sense of shame. The desire for sexual stimulus intensifies with each experience because what once brought satisfaction has now become boring. Sexuality and spirituality are divided so neatly that they easily coexist, but only in tension as the individual leads an increasingly double life. While the ritual grows more elaborate and the frequency increases, the individual, nevertheless, feels in control of his or her sex life.

Suggested Resources: Out-patient Counseling, The Purity Report, X3Pure, Intensive Workshop, Covenant Eyes, Accountability Relationships

Level 4: Compulsive Impurity

Ritualized sexual behavior controls the individual, whether he or she realizes it or not. A growing sense of powerlessness may lead to panic and futile attempts to break the pattern; but eventually, the addict must admit that sexual compulsion has taken control of his or her life. With the addiction in full-bloom, the individual will soon be consumed by feelings of despair, self-pity, self-hatred, and shame. He or she must devote significant time and emotional resources to keep a carefully concealed secret life from destroying a precarious public image. Nevertheless, the consequences become more difficult to conceal. Family suffers, work goes undone, physical needs are neglected, finances unravel—life becomes unmanageable. Rationalization becomes bizarre; compartmentalization, extreme.

Suggested Resources: In-patient Treatment Program, Out-patient Counseling, Accountability Relationships

Level 5: Compulsive Illegal Sexual Activity

Everything in the description of Level 4 impurity applies to Level 5, only the sexual activity violates criminal statutes, and therefore requires immediate intervention. If the activity violates the physical, mental, or emotional well-being of another individual, immediate incarceration is recommended. In other words, the addict has lost complete control over his or her compulsion and will certainly harm someone again. Treatment will have to take place in the context of the criminal justice system.

Suggested Resources: Immediate in-patient treatment program and possible voluntary incarceration.

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce

Ten Purity Principles I Never Want to Forget

john — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 12:40:15 +0000

I have learned a lot in the months following the publication of Redemptive Divorce. While the book helps Christians end the continual destruction caused by their wayward or incorrigible spouses, we receive many letters from repentant men and women who realized too late what they had thrown away. Take, for example, this excerpt from “Tim’s” letter:

I wish that you had thought to include a section directed towards the wayward spouse. Perhaps you are planning a follow-up to this effort. Either way, it is sorely needed. You see, I am that spouse. My wife filed for divorce almost 12 years ago. We are both believers, but I allowed sin to enter my life and to rule over me. Unfortunately, counseling never got to the heart of the matter. It wasn’t until my wife filed for divorce that the light bulb turned on and the Holy Spirit was able to use the experience to reach me. Unfortunately, my wife was so tired of trying to get through to me that divorce came as a welcome relief.

As I read each pain-filled letter and email, I realized that nothing separated me from these remorseful victims (victims of their own sin). The flesh is just as much an enemy to me as anyone. So, I began jotting down lessons—principles of purity—as they occurred to me. Here are ten principles gleaned from the sad testimonies of formerly wayward spouses. I have made it a habit to read them periodically, especially before traveling alone. May I suggest you do the same?

Ten Purity Principles I Never Want to Forget

No matter how little I regard my own worth, I am very important to my wife and family. Failure is not an option.
The consequences of sin always surpass my expectations.
I mean more to my wife than I realize; so, should I fail, the impact on her would be greater than I can know.
Personal purity is not a personal issue; it affects everyone I love.
When I’m angry at God, sin feels like a friend. That’s when I need to ask for help.
For women, the brain is a sex organ. Impure images and thoughts are no less a violation of my wife’s territory than another man’s hands on her body is a violation of mine.
When I behave as though God isn’t enough, He understands. When I behave as though my wife isn’t enough, she cannot understand. She only knows her value to me by my behavior.
A seedbed of sin is the stubborn conviction that I’m entitled to better than what I’m getting.
I am at my best when I have nothing to hide.
The stakes are too high for me to guard my purity on my own; I need backup.

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce.

Sexual Purity Through Intimacy with God

john — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 20:47:37 +0000

Our founder, John Glisson, was featured this last week on Pure Passion TV.

In this interview John talks about his struggle with pornography & masturbation and how God has shown him the way of escape. Check it out!

Relativism and Pornography

john — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:19:10 +0000

The World Dictionary defines Relativism as follows:

…any theory holding that truth or moral or aesthetic value, etc, is not universal or absolute but may differ between individuals or cultures.

A phrase used in relativistic thinking is, “There is no absolute truth.” Of course, that very statement violates the philosophical law of non-contradiction, which states that a precept cannot be both true and false at the same time in the same way. Saying, “There is no absolute truth.” is an absolute truth statement, which nullifies itself as self-contradictory.

Regardless of this obvious contradiction, relativistic thinking, particularly with regards to morality, is pervasive in our culture. How many times have you heard, “What’s true for you may not be true for me.” The outworkings of functional relativism, as I’ll call it, ultimately result in humanism. Man is the ultimate arbiter of truth, and since men have differences one to another, so truth claims have no absolute authority over individuals.

Relativism poses significant issues to the Christian worldview. As a Christian, God is the ultimate authority and arbiter of truth. Furthermore, Christian orthodoxy holds that God has revealed his moral law to humanity through the Bible. This is the standard by which Christians are to measure themselves and the world around them. The doctrine of God’s sovereignty, creation, sin, the fall of man, and the atonement through Jesus Christ are central precepts to Christianity.

What is clear is that American Christians, especially with regards to sex, are largely identical to society at large. Divorce rates, pregnancy out of wedlock, consumption of pornography, even abortion, and so forth measure similarly. One way in which Christians in the Bible are specifically exhorted by the Bible to be distinct to those around them is in the area of sex (see 1 Cor. 6:12-20). However, what we actually see is no real difference. This is could be called hypocritical at best.

So what does relativism have to do with the church’s hypocrisy regarding sex?

No firm believer in Christianity and the Bible would adhere to full-on relativism, “There is no absolute truth.” But the seeds of relativistic thinking are present, evidenced by inconsistent profession of belief and actual behavior (again read hypocrisy). Most Christian men, for example, would agree that the use of pornography represents lustful, and therefore sinful behavior. They would not recommend it to others as a beneficial to the spiritual life and relationship with Jesus Christ. Their behavior, on the other hand, reveals they do not apply this same assertion to themselves. Christian men, who would not recommend pornography to others, are frequent consumers of it. This is evidence of an underlying functional relativism as it relates to pornography.

Why is this an important point? Isn’t this just sin requiring repentance? Why all the talk about relativism?

Yes, pornography is sin in the Christian worldview (see Matt. 5:28). Its production and consumption are both sinful according to biblical standards of morality. The issue with simply slapping the label of “sin” on it and moving on is that it short-circuits deep self-reflection on the issue. In our modern vernacular, the term “sin” has such a behavioral emphasis that it is applied only to abstinence from prohibited actions. This detracts from the process of repentance, which is generally defined as a “change of mind.” Changing one’s mind requires thinking about an issue, not merely willing a change of behavior.

Romans 12:2 admonishes us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” In order for the mind to be renewed, it must actually be used. If we stop at “sin” as wrong behavior, we discourage the use of our minds to actually think about what is going on, allow the truth of God to penetrate our thinking, and bring about a change of thinking. Asserting you have bought into functional relativism, evidenced by hypocrisy, beckons each of us to take a long, hard look at ourselves. This engages the mind, brings light to our thinking, and results in changes in thought and hence behavior.

When was the last time you heard someone teach that we should repent of the sin of functional relativism, evidenced by immorality? There’s something that makes me think!

There is obviously much more to say about this topic, but I will stop here to keep it brief. What do you think? How has functional relativism kept us from arriving at the place where porn is not an option?