Punching Kitty

Loud Guy is “Scared as Hell” to be Living in St. Louis

2010-03-19T04:37:50Z

St. Louis is #3 on the most dangerous American cities list…again. Old news. We are always on there. We’re like that kid that wears the leather jacket no matter how hot it gets and uses a switch blade comb. We’re bad ass. We know it.

Well, I guess not everyone knows it. (Watch out people at work, this dude is loud!)

At the end of his little tirade, he shows the whole list. Note that if you think you are just having a stroke because you can’t seem to lock in and read the list very well, don’t worry. Its just because this genius though the best way to display the list is with black text on a bright red background…that blinks.

If you can keep it together to watch most of the list without stroking out, you’ll see that our retarded cross-state brother city we only visit once a year or because we find out he can count cards Kansas City came in at #6. Nice try KC. Still not impressed.

The Timberland Highschool School Board Sucks Ass

2010-03-19T14:46:33Z

Hey kids of Timberland High School, you remember this: You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

The staff of the school newspaper and free speech honks that live for things like this filed in to a Wentzville School Board meeting Thursday night to hear a discussion of whether the level of censorship being displayed by the Timberland High School principal was within “acceptable” levels. Apparently the kids have been feeling a bit censored for some time now. Things like…

At issue, everything from a tattoo article pulled from the paper to yearbook photos deemed too risqué. Legally, it is the principal’s prerogative to make these calls.

No one is arguing that the principal has the last call in his school, and we aren’t going to get in to that here. This is really about letting the kids put their argument out there, be heard, and have a rational discussion about it. Hell, they even cared enough to start a blog about the subject, and just wanted to be heard by the school board.

…of course by the time all the people on the other side of the coin got done blathering about how censorship is good, time was up and the meeting was over. Go home. F*ck you kids.

Seriously. That’s what happened.

Inside the board meeting, public comment began. The first speakers supported the idea of extra review for budding journalists. And then, because of a time limit, public comment was over before the free speech group got its turn.

The group filed out of the meeting disappointed, angry and frustrated.

Nothing quiets a group of angry kids down like promising them to let them be heard and then say “Nevermind, all the adults talked up your whole turn.” I’m sure a fair and balanced argument like that will definitely make the school newspaper think twice about running stories about tattoos or bubblegum or penny whistles…whatever it is kids want to write about these days.

Now to be fair to the school board, they did decide to allow one member from the group to defend their side of the argument before the meeting was adjourned. Well gee, don’t go out of your way or anything you assholes. How the hell is hours of people talking about one side of the argument and then at the last second, saying “Oh yeah, you wanted to say something for your side…hurry up though.” is a fair shake?Why bother even having the meeting?! Why not just tell the kids “Hey, guess what? We don’t give a crap about what you think.” That’s clearly the truth isn’t it? Did the board not know about the time limit? Could they not just say “This is your last speaker, we have to let the other side have their time.” Nope. They might as well just done that thing when you blow in to your thumb to “inflate” your middle finger at the kids while they let a bunch of people talk that came because they are pro-censorship.

Its also worth nothing that a KSDK film crew was there, and just before they left is when the board had a change of heart to let one…one…high school representative say their piece. Ya think the kids would have even got that if the KSDK crew wasn’t there? Pfft. Please.

Here’s a tip kids. Screw that school paper. Give us a ring, and we’ll happily set you up with timberland.punchingkitty.com. Write about tattoos all you want. Seriously: 314-266-8477

via: KSDK

Update: The Stop THS Censorship blog now has a post up about their school board meeting experience.

That Must Have Been One Hell of a Cookie

2010-03-18T04:36:06Z

Spotted on St. Louis’ Craigstlist section under “Missed Connections” last night:

i almost killed you with an oatmeal cookie – w4w – 25 (st. louis)

j.w,

i really want to see your smile again. i promise to show you a good time. if anything, just for fun.

think about it…

Hey there! w4w eh? Nice…

Here’s hoping “oatmeal cookie” is a euphemism for “amazing night of crazy lesbian sex where one of us is dressed as a sexy librarian and the other one as a school girl and involved all the hot stuff and none of the weird stuff that lesbians probably prefer but doesn’t fit with male fantasies”

…also we hope “think about it…” is a euphemism for “I taped it.”

Police Confused as to Why Stupid Prisoner Hanged Herself

2010-03-18T16:44:26Z

The Globe Democrat reports that a St. Louis Metro Police prisoner decided to end it all while the cops were at lunch or something recently.

The 32-year-old woman was taken into custody around 2:00 p.m. Tuesday in the 5400 block of Southwest Avenue for an outstanding bench warrants. She was taken to the south patrol area station where she was being held.

Around 3:00 p.m., the victim was found hanging in the holding cell. She had used an item of her clothing to hang herself. Police said they immediately took the woman down and contacted EMS. She was taken to a hospital where she was pronounced dead.

Ok, we’ll admit this is pretty odd. Maybe the “south patrol area station” is also called “south patrol put broomsticks in places you won’t like station”, but if not that, we can’t think of why one would want to just up and hang yourself with your undies out of nowhere.

…wait. Was this person really really really stupid? Because if they were really really really stupid that could be the reason why they decided to hang themselves with their underwear.

According to police, the woman gave police the name of a relative instead of her own when arrested. However the relative whose name she used when falsely identifying herself turned out to have outstanding bench warrants.

Ok, so yeah. She was a moron. This broad decided to “fool” the cops my giving them a name of someone that had several outstanding bench warrants. Good job. The only better option would been if she would have told the cops “Look over there!” and then in the confusion she walked 5 feet to the right hoping the cops wouldn’t turn their head to the left slightly.

Someone this stupid probably wasn’t even trying to kill herself. She probably thought she was hanging her close to dry and forgot to take them off.

St. Charles County Workers Banned From Texting, Apparently Using Honor System

2010-03-18T04:34:37Z

Counties passing laws that ban texting while driving are the Lady Gaga of lower-level governments. Everyone seems to love them because they sound good, but when you get up close and really think about it, its kinda stupid and ugly. Also, those weird outfits just seem like a whole “Hey look at me with my crazy outfits that always hide my face like the Phantom of the Opera because I’m ugly and pay no attention to those rumors about me having a little penis.”

Where were we? Something about texting?

St. Charles County Executive Steve Ehlmann signed an order prohibiting any county employees from texting while driving. This applies to anyone driving a county vehicle or doing county business in their personal car if they are reimbursed for mileage.

“It isn’t a matter of them texting for the fun of it,” says Ehlmann. “Even if it’s part of the job we want them to pull over, do their text and then resume their travel.”

The thing about “no texting while driving” laws is that they are about effective as the old sodomy laws, in that they aren’t. How the hell do you police something like this? Maybe the guy that just made this a rule for St. Charles County employees knows since he clearly thinks this is important:

There was talk of a countywide ban for all drivers, but the sheriff’s department convinced the county council it would be too tough to enforce.

Well there you go. Text away St. Charles County employees!

We aren’t saying we are “pro” texting while driving. It’s dumb. But so is pretty much anything else you do instead of facing forward with your hands at 10 and 2: eating, talking to someone, giving that asshat that just can’t stay in his lane the finger, blowing your nose while using your knees to hold the wheel, screaming at your kids, checking out the hot broad in the next lane one car back, desperately trying to get something out of your pocket but its stuck on the little seam at the top and your about to freak out but you really need that coupon for Chick-Fil-A because those waffle fries are the only thing good in your life these days and getting them free would allow you to keep it together just long enough to get home without driving your car in to an overpass just so you don’t have to go back to work your local tv news job and blab on the radio because you’re a giant douche and everyone knows it!

Crap we forgot what we were talking about again.

via KSDK

The Globe Democrat Doesn’t Know How Cemeteries Work

2010-03-17T03:19:39Z

A dead guy in a cemetery?! Oh no!

Frankly the police tape seems a bitch much in this situation. Zombies would just walk right through that crap.

via Globe Democrat

RFT Writer Gets Sucker Punched in the Loop

2010-03-17T18:11:24Z

We at Punching Kitty love being in the city during the spring. Walking down the streets of the Looop, with that cool nip in the air that makes it so you can’t decide if you should have brought your coat. Looking at the shine of the streetlights coming off the rain puddles on still on the streets from the night below takes your focus to the point where you don’t even see the little bitch about to sucker punch you as you walk past the Subway.

I was dressed in athletic shorts and running shoes, carrying a gym bag and wearing headphones because I’d just left the new Club Fitness over the old Blockbuster.

It was very nice of your group to move out of the way without me having to say anything or really even make eye contact for more than half a second. Perhaps you felt I should have said “Pardon me, kind sir,” or simply “Sup,” because when I was walking away you ran up from behind and punched me in the jaw, knocking my headphones and glasses off and making me very pissed off.

God sometimes we really hate people.

The problem of Roving Retarded Children or RRC is one that has a long history in St. Louis particularly in the areas of: The Loop, Central West End, Midtown and select chunks of South City. It involves anywhere from 3-8 retards standing around, usually around a door and also usually around an inexpensive eating or refueling establishment, Quiktrip, or in this case Subway. Most of these groups appear to operate on the idea that people are scared of them for some reason, and when people aren’t, they tend to lash out in an attempt to make people scare of them. The sad fact is this though: They are still retarded and you aren’t. You can get in my face with your adolescence all you want, but its not scary and you are still retarded. Sure you may say you aren’t, but you’re in a group standing outside of a Subway at 9pm, not eating sandwiches…guess what? You’re retarded. Also, know that retarded people don’t know they are retarded. If they did, they wouldn’t be retarded (wrap your head around that one).

So what can we as a non-retarded city dweller do about RRC? Sadly not much. Your best options are to stay alert and remember that no matter what they do, at best these retards will be greeting you at a Wal-Mart visit in 20 years. Sure, when you remember who they are and begin to kick the crap out of a retarded 41 year old Wal-Mart greeter when they offer you a cart, people will think you are the asshole, but you’ll know the truth and so will we.

via Riverfront Times

Cardinals Have Internal Discussions About Trading Brendan Ryan for Alex Rodriguez

2010-03-17T00:45:24Z

According to our sources the St. Louis Cardinals have had internal discussions about trading injured so-so shortstop Brendan Ryan to the New York Yankees for All-Star third baseman Alex Rodriguez.

It is not clear whether the Cardinals have brought this idea to the attention of the Yankees. Even if the Yankees were actually to consider this offer it might be a difficult to one to work out as A-Rod is a good contributor and has recently bonded with the New York fans after reclaiming the World Series title in 2009.

We asked a Cardinals’ official about these internal discussions who responded only with “What?! This is completely stupid…wait, how did you get this number?”

Money could be a possible issue on this deal as Rodriguez makes a staggering $27.5 Million dollars a year, but the issue is side-stepped as the Cardinals’ internal discussions involve the Yankees picking up all of the money owned to Rodriguez for some reason. Also the internal discussions involve the Yankees would deliver muffins to the Cardinals on the completion of the deal.

This news may well echo the recent news of the Phillies internal discussions involving a trade of Ryan Howard to the Cardinals for reigning MVP Albert Pujols. Speaking of that deal, here’s what Buster Onley, the story’s author, had this today in his blog (ESPN Insider required):

About the Howard/Pujols story the other day: What was written was dead-on.

I did not write that there were ongoing discussions between the two teams.
I did not write that the Cardinals had an inclination to deal Pujols.
I did not write that the Phillies are looking to dump Ryan Howard.

Internal discussions are part of the sport. It’s how the Phillies got to the point that they pursued Mike Lowell and Halladay, in spite of their flat denials. I once wrote a story about their serious interest in Lowell, and club executives shot it down as untrue; an assertion that was, in itself, completely untrue.

Internal discussions are how the Cardinals got to the point that they made a deal last summer for Matt Holliday. Quite frankly, if the Phillies’ executives didn’t have those kinds of conversations, they wouldn’t be doing their jobs.

And as a reporter, when you have confirmed information that the Phillies have discussed internally an avenue through which they might pursue the best player in baseball — and you know exactly who said what to whom, and how sturdy the intent was — that is news.

The only difference was, in this case, that the internal conversations were about two superstars. And while it may be inconvenient to some, it’s credible.

Not only that, but Buster was also a guest on 101 ESPN’s Burwell and Someoneelse show. Don’t get shocked now, but Burwell didn’t exactly ask the important questions as much as verbally fellate Olney over the WXOS airwaves. The “interview” consisted of them bashing everyone for not reading the Olney piece and then Burwell saying that he “feels Olney’s pain.”

Look guys, yes there were those that, for some reason, read Olney’s piece and thought a trade was in the works, but I think they are the minority. The real question is: How is this even news? Buster himself even says in his reply

Quite frankly, if the Phillies’ executives didn’t have those kinds of conversations, they wouldn’t be doing their jobs.

And I think we can all agree that probably every MLB team at one point or another, has said internally “How the hell do we get Pujols on his team.” So once again we ask, how the hell is this news? We usually like Buster Olney, but later this season, please don’t tell us all about the internal discussions the Phillies have about where to go to lunch.

Lake St. Louis Bans Smoking Too

2010-03-16T19:09:30Z

In yet another “me too” political action, another St. Louis area is moving to ban smoking.

City leaders could ban smoking in Lake St. Louis.

The aldermen could vote on a proposed ban this evening.

If a ban passes, Lake St. Louis would be the first city in St. Charles County to be smoke free.

Well there’s something to hang your hat on. No more smoking in all the fine Lake St. Louis establishments like…Schnucks…or…um….Denny’s. Wait a minute I see what’s going on here…there isn’t any real need to ban smoking in Lake St. Louis! This must all be a distraction to what they are really banning! We did a little research and if you actually really the whole ban you can see what’s really going down out there somewhere in the haze of look-a-like homes known as “West of 270 County”:

Lake St. Louis will create a public ban on SMOKING…and also the following:

Mexicans (seriously)
Teenagers
Anyone wearing a bandana
Any non-pontoon boat related fun.
References to Lake of the Ozarks.
People named Jamal.
Loud music
Ironic tshirts
Punching Kitty.com

Lake St. Louis might have won this round, but chewing tabacco has never been more powerful.

Update: It passed.

John Gadson isn’t Very Good at Reporting Stuff

2010-03-16T02:37:06Z

According to local news station KTVI, Fox 2 John Gadson has been a reporter there for 10 years which is surprising since I’ve never seen him before until this report crossed our desk. We’re starting to understand why, and so will you if you watch the video of his latest “reporting” below.

Wait. Was this about a juvenile? I couldn’t tell if it was about a juvenile because Gadson didn’t say juvenile enough so it was tough to tell if this report was about a juvenile. Juvenile.

Something tells me that if the cameraman panned back a bit you’d find Gadson wasn’t wearing any pants…or maybe he had to bottom half of a chicken costume on. We are happy to see the man he interviewed played along and pretended he was actually involved by making up some crap about the lady “fussing and hollering”. After this report, Gadson probably curled up on the ground under a cardboard box and when they went back to him for an update, he was taking a crap behind one of the wrecked cars.

Please tell me that this is some sort of awesome joke and the Fox 2 camera man bet Gadson $20 to do a report with his best Bill Cosby impression. I half expected Gadson to tell me how the juvenile drove his car in to a “glass, plate glass door” and then turn around and tell me to try a pudding pop. (Gadson shown below holding a pudding pop.)

Also note that at some point you can hear Tom O’neil back at the studio about to lose his shit watching amateur hour which makes me like Tom O’neil a little more than before, which is to say I now remember who Tom O’neil is.

via KTVI