Examples of abuse include:

• name-calling or put-downs
• keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
• withholding money
• stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
• actual or threatened physical harm
• sexual assault
• stalking
• intimidation

Domestic violence can be criminal. It being the leading cause of injury to women aged 15 and above, this sort of violence can result to one’s death. Domestic violence includes physical assault, sexual abuse and stalking. Hitting, pushing and shoving are some examples of physical assaults. Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted or forced sexual activity. Under the legal system, forcing one’s wife to any sexual activity is considered as marital rape. Stalking is an invasion of privacy, of one’s personal space. Being pursued stealthily puts you in a vulnerable state, open to the pursuer’s erratic behavior. Therefore, stalking is a crime. It is deterrent to the whole being of the victim. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuses are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse that can lead to criminal violence.

Like evil itself, the violence takes many forms. It can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is by recognizing the warning signs listed on the “Violence Wheel.” The Violence Wheel is an informative guide in determining whether or not you are being abused. Sure, there are alarm bells sounding off when you are being mistreated. However, fear or blind love causes you to ignore them. Why is it important to know the warning signs? Awareness of the signs is deemed important because it helps you to “diagnose” the current state of your relationship. Sometimes, women think it is normal for men to lose control and hurt them physically and verbally. By knowing the signs, you are able to determine where to draw the line and to prevent further abuse. If you are already being abused, it will help you deepen your resolve to stop the abuse. Acknowledging the fact that you are being abused is the first active step towards freedom.

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! It is difficult to admit to yourself that you are a victim, that you have been victimized. It hurts your body, your pride, your ego. Being a victim should not be downplayed. You can only be a victim if you do not speak up and fight for your rights. Victims of domestic violence can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Both men and women can be abused though most reported victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Most children cannot handle the situation better than you do. Even if your child is not physically harmed, witnessing a parent assault the other causes suffering. Raising a child in a violent environment affects their emotional and social behavior. They may even adapt the violent behavior, lead to believe that it is a normal and rational concept.

If you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is being abused, REMEMBER that:

1. You are not alone.
2. It is not your fault.
3. Help is available and within your reach.

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There are many other factors on why victims stay in an abusive relationship. It may be the result of an upbringing with rigid religious and cultural constraints. Whatever the reason, it will never validate the existence of an abusive environment. It seems irrational to choose to live with violence but that choice is usually grounded on fear of what happens when and after they leave. This handbook has compiled the two topmost questions that will address the normal concerns.

Can I take my children with me when I leave?

• Yes, you can absolutely take your children with you only if you can do it safely. It may be more difficult later for you to protect them when you have already distanced yourself from the abuser.
• Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is of the utmost importance. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
• If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may and usually have an advantage of getting temporary custody. As mentioned previously in this handbook, include your children in your safety plan to avoid unnecessary loopholes.
• Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return. It is important to warn your children’s school of who are allowed to pick them up. Inform your neighbors as well that you have already left the abuser and no longer share accommodations with him.
• If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge).

Where do I go?

• Stay with a friend or relatives. Now, the abuser will most likely look for you at your family’s home. It is essential for your survival to go to a relative that wholly supports your decision to leave.
• If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. The abuser’s legal adviser can use this as an argument at court. It could also cause conflict with your abuser. Living with a man will further infuriate the abuser and will cause severe retaliation.
• Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
• Call 911 because it is a good start. The police now have established protocols for domestic abuse calls and will fairly enforce the law against the said violence. Domestic violence is now considered as a serious threat and is recognized by the state of law.

Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.

If you are a victim of abuse and feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time or are already suffering from abuse, call 911 or your local police. The police have established a protocol for this type of abuse. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone because the abuser has severed all communications at your home.

Consider the following:

If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.

They can help you and your children leave your home safely.

They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.

They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.

When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.

If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.

If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.

The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.

The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.

Get the officers’ names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.

A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.

You may be confused or embarrassed of what you are going through but it is important to tell your family, friends and co-workers. If you are a victim of abuse, get support from friends and family. They can provide support and shelter for you and your children. If you are able to leave the abuser, it is best to stay with relatives as they can give you protection without causing more conflict with your partner.

It is understandable not wanting to leave the home that you built. It is not fair, neither is the abuse. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes, it is the only way you for you to be safe. If you are a victim of abuse, find a safe place. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.

If you are a victim of abuse and have been physically hurt, get medical help, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you such as social services) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support and access to government agencies. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.

Medical records are important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.

Special medical concerns:

Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.

What seems like a small injury could be a big one.

If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.

A victim of abuse can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.

Memory loss.

Dizziness.

Problems with eyesight.

Throwing-up.

Headache that will not go away.

If you are a victim of abuse, get a personal protection order.  It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by your abuser.

Lastly, make a safety plan. Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. If you are a victim of abuse, your safety is the most important thing.

Incident. Abuse is not an isolated incident. There is a pattern and its’ frequency and gravity increases over time. Therefore, it is important to take advantage of the predictability of the abusive behavior and to consider even the littlest form of abuse as a serious threat.

• Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional) to you and other family members

Tension Building. In the first stage, the tension between the couple increases. This build-up tension leads to more arguments or rather, it occurs more frequently. During this time of heightened hostility, the victim is made aware of what will happen to her if she is not submissive to his demands.

• Abuser starts to get angry
• Abuse may begin such as the battering incidents and verbal assaults
• There is a breakdown of communication
• Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
• Victim believes that it is possible to control the abuser by appeasing him and by being submissive
• Tension becomes too much
• Victim feels like they are ‘walking on egg shells’

Making-Up. In the second stage, the abuser becomes remorseful though he is not truly sorry for what he did, because most abusers blame the incident on the other party. He becomes loving towards the victim nevertheless. At this point, he acts contrite for hurting his partner and reassures her that it will not transpire ever again.

• Abuser may apologize for abuse
• Abuser may promise it will never happen again
• Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
• Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm. In the third stage, the abuser lets up on the battering. He returns to his “normal” state, the man you fell in love with. He tries to make up for the brutal incident by showering the victim with gifts and affection. The victim is led to believe that the violence has stopped. Both parties will deny that the abuse even took place or how violent the incident was.

• Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
• Physical abuse may not be taking place
• Promises made during ‘making-up’ may be met
• Victim may hope that the abuse is over
• Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle of domestic violence proves that the abuser follows a compulsive pattern. Most victims can anticipate the onslaught of the violent behavior since it has occurred to them often. It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. You may not experience or relate to all of the stages. Often, as time goes on, the ‘making-up’ and ‘calm’ stages disappear. You may be experiencing the violent outbursts on a regular basis, without it subsiding or gradually evolving to the remorseful, make-up stage.

Advocacy groups and crises centers are established based on informative research and studies. In response to this cycle of domestic violence, legal courts are able to understand and gain insight on the behavior of both parties.

“The 31st annual Playboy Jazz Festival continues its rich tradition of featuring the biggest names in jazz, along with future jazz headliners delivering an exciting mix of everything from standards and blues to Latin beats and world fusion. Plus, the spectacular day-and-night big screens that were such a big hit at the past four festivals will be back, offering up-close-and-personal coverage of every artist from the very first performance Saturday until the closing number Sunday.” — go here for more information about the Playboy Jazz Festival.

Norman Brown’s Summer Storm 2009 starring vocalist Patti Austin and other artists will perform on the following dates and venue:

Friday, June 26, Phoenix AZ
Celebrity Theater, 440 North 32nd Street

Saturday,  June 27, Sacramento CA
Cosumnsos River, Meadowview Jazz Fest.

Saturday,  July 11, Omaha NE
Omaha Riverfront Jazz and Blues Festival
Lewis and Clark Landing - Main Stage

Wednesday, Jul 15, Detroit MI
Chene Park, 2600 Atwater Street

Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.
Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. Acquiring a high quality of education does not exempt a person from domestic violence. Demographics play a small role in determining the capacity of a person in hurting another. Anyone can be violent. Anyone can be a victim.

Some people deserve to be hit.
No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser. The abuser is the only one who has the ability to stop the abuse. There is no such thing as “I provoked him to abuse me”. It is a mentality that should be avoided and stopped. Provoking your partner does not give him a valid reason to actually hit you. Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong. There are no excuses for it. It is unacceptable, even in patriarchal societies. Physical violence is punishable by law.

Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.
Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence — (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 – 1.7). Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse – (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 – 5). Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence — (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 – 8 ).

Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
Domestic violence affects everyone. It affects the community you move around in for human beings are interconnected. An abused person cannot contribute in a positive way to her/ his work or community if she is under a great deal of emotional stress. An abusive person cannot strive to live harmoniously with his spouse, more so with people outside his home. About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives — (Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: the Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, 1999). In 1996, 30% of all female murder victims were killed by their husbands or boyfriends – (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997). 40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children – (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family, 1996).

If it was that bad, she would just leave.
There are many reasons why women may not leave. She may not have enough financial resources to live away from her spouse. She may not have a place to live in. She may not have enough support from her own family or the legal system. Not leaving an abusive relationship does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim wants to be abused. Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave — (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995).

Now, here’s the truth… MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE-FREE LIVES.

Abuse is not an accident. It is a conscious decision of the person to hurt his or her partner. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out due to work, pushed to his limits, drinking alcohol, or using recreational drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want, no matter what the cost is. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological. Nevertheless, the abuse is damaging to your mind and body’s health.

Abusers often have low self-esteem. They feel better about themselves when they are able to control someone. It gives them a false sense of power and might. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They are very immature. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims.

Abusers have different backgrounds, different experiences that made them who they are. Abusers are similar in only one aspect, that is, their choice of controlling their “loved one” in whatever means. There are many tactics used by abusers. He can be manipulative in the sense that he distorts his controlling behavior and pass it off as concern. He may reason that he is controlling because you are not a good decision maker. He controls all of the finances so you cannot move freely as you please.

The abuser may have unrealistic expectations from his wife or children. He may expect them to perform in a certain manner and if they do not, it is deemed acceptable for him to punish them severely. The abuser may also be an excessively jealous person. He gets jealous of everyone, even her own family. He demands all of her time and demands her to break all ties. He accuses her family and friends of being a menace to their relationship.

The abuser blames everyone but himself. He blames his victim for his own faults. His victim is made to be a convenient scapegoat for all of his inadequacies. He believes himself to be superior and expects his partner to be submissive, more so in bed. He can force sexual activity and may assault you physically until his desire is satisfied. He shows little concern for the victim. He can force sexual intercourse with his victim even if she is sick or tired. Some abusers even force their partners to have sex even after they have just given birth.

They hurt and degrade you by using foul language. They belittle you in front of your friends, family and children. He may think that you are stupid, that the sole purpose of women is to serve their husbands. He may expect you to serve three meals a day and to clean his house and satisfy him at night, nothing more. He may threaten to take your kids away from you or threaten to hit you with a baseball bat to get what he wants.

These are just some of the tactics done by abusers. If you are being abused, put an end to it. You do not deserve the abuse. NO ONE DOES.

Grammy award winning singer Patti Austin joined FOX 5 Morning News. Patti sang “Pick Yourself Up” and shared more about a special Fight For Children fundraiser, “School Night.”

“On May 15, 2009, 1,000 leaders in business, education, government, and philanthropy will join Fight For Children at the Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center to celebrate what’s working well in education in Washington, DC. The Honorary Co-chairs of School Night 2009 are Mayor Adrian Fenty and Michelle Fenty and former Mayor Anthony Williams and Diane Williams. Fight For Children board member Patti Austin is producing a dazzling evening of live entertainment featuring NATURALLY 7, Sheila E and the E Family, and Wyclef Jean!” — visit Fightforchildren.org for more details.

A person of color. You may be afraid of discrimination. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help. You may feel hopeless because of the stigma that domestic violence happens only to women of color. Therefore, you will not receive any help.

A lesbian, gay, or transgendered person. You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation. You may be afraid of prejudice. You may think that the law does not acknowledge homosexual relationships.

A physically or mentally challenged or elderly. You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you. You may believe that you deserve the abuse because you are somewhat a burden to your partner.

A male victim of abuse. You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you. You may be afraid that people will think less of you and undermine your manhood.

A person from another country. You may be afraid of being deported. You may be afraid of not being treated fairly in courts.

If your religion makes it hard to get help. You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family. You may believe that it is a sin in the eyes of God to leave your partner. You may think that by forgiving your abuser will help him change.

A teen. If you are a teen, you could be at risk if you are dating someone who: is very jealous and/or spies on you like breaking into your e-mail account and mobile messages; will not let you end the relationship or break up with him; hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting and bossing other people around; puts you down or makes you feel bad about having your own life; forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex; abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol; has a history of bad relationships and blames it on their exes.

It is very difficult for teens to leave their abuser if they attend the same school. They cannot hide from them or avoid them. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be more scared of having their sexual orientation known, rather than the fact that they are being abused.

If you think you are being abused, think about getting help. THERE IS HELP. If your family or friends warn you about the person you are dating, think about getting help. AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK. Tell friends, family members or anybody you can trust. Their perspective on your relationship may be more accurate than what you perceive it to be. There is help for you. You do not have to suffer in silence.

A child in a violent home. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, merely because they are not in the same room when it happens. Children often know what happened. They do not have to be eyewitnesses per se. They may hear the pounding and screaming. They may feel the tension between you and your husband. Sometimes, they blame their selves for the violence. Children living with violence are helpless, scared and upset.

Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Scary noises, yelling and hitting is not an acceptable environment for raising a child. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. They fear of being taken away to live in homes or shelters. Children feel bad and small for they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they are putting themselves in harm’s way. They can get hit by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are equally damaged by domestic violence, just by seeing and hearing the violence.

Children in violent homes may not get the utmost care they need. A parent who is being abused may be in too much pain to cater to their child’s needs.

Children who live in violent homes can have various problems such as an inability to sleep and to interact with others. They often feel sad and scared all the time. They may grow up feeling bad about themselves for not being able to stop the abuse. These problems do not go away on their own accord. They can be deeply ingrained in the child’s psyche.

There is help for children in violent homes. They can also help if you grew up in a violent home.

If you are being stalked. Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel like a prisoner of fear. A stalker can be someone you are acquainted with or a complete stranger. They often bother people by giving them unwanted attention. This can take the form of phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. This is a threat not only to you, but to your family as well.

Stalking is a crime. People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious crime and is punishable by law. Stalking often turns to physical violence. Put a stop to it before it does.

There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). It is wise to inform the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by: telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you; keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts; saving phone messages from the stalker; saving letters and gifts from the stalker; and writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number.

For more information about how to get help, call Common Ground Sanctuary: Toll Free 248.456.0909, 800.231.1127 or HAVEN: Toll Free 248.334.1274, 877.922.1274.