postings of a professional redhead

Work Termination Date

Sidney — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:24:20 +0000

> ______________________________________________
> From: Prick, Boss O

> Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 7:10 AM
> To: Manmeat, Jimmy E ; Paperhurts, Sidney
> Cc: Sweetheart, HR ; Paperazzi, Vince P
> Subject: The Man & Big Brother, Inc. Work Termination Date
> Importance: High
>
> Good Morning,
>
> Your last day of work with The Man & Big Brother, Inc. is 12/23/09.
> I have sent your resumes out with no responses as of the e-mail.
> Please schedule your exit interview with HR Sweetheart.
>
> Boss O Prick
> The Man & Big Brother, Inc. Group Leader
>

Not even a THANK YOU for the five years I have worked there. Or a “good luck in future endeavors.” How did this assmonkey become a manager? His people skills are akin to a bull in a…well, anyway.

FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

Sidney — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:05:13 +0000

I promised a post on the Epic Fail of Today…well, call me a gal of her word. Word.

Today we had a FIRE DRILL. We have these often enough where I work; combine a ton of highly flammable chemicals/gasses/metals/machines/jet engines/etc. with humans and, well…you have to be safe, right? They are, for the most part, unannounced.

Todays was different. Todays was announced, warned, and…well, instructions were given.

I will paraphrase heavily in my Normal Blogitization Style:

In the event of an fire employees are required to notify everyone “by using a FIRE ALARM BOX” in ya know…the manner common sense dictates.
Know how to get the fuck out of the building; you’re next to them skunk rat boys, and they have tons of “highly flammable” substances laying around, ya know!
SHUT DOWN ALL NON-ESSENTIAL EQUIPMENT INCLUDING YOUR COMPUTER PRIOR TO EVACUATING IN CASE OF A FIRE (seriously? wut?the?fuck?)
QUICKLY HIDE/SECURE ALL EXPORT/PROPRIETARY/TOP-SECRET DATA PRIOR TO LEAVING THE BUILDING. “Remember: you MUST quickly secure all confidential information.”
“Proceed to the nearest safe exit in an orderly manner. DO NOT rush, push, stop, or attempt to retrieve personal items that are not in your immediate area. (Coats/hats hanging on a remote rack, Etc.)”
Go to ::whatever meeting area you are supposed to know you are supposed to meet at that is not contained in this email:: immediately after leaving your desk.
DO NOT attempt to reenter the building until Big Officials In Uniforms inform you it is acceptable to do so.
And then yet even more bullet points on not attempting to “go against the flow” of people exiting in order to retrieve personal belongings.

So today we practiced what we already know:

In case of fire we should walk like baaing sheep out of the building, but only after we have 1a. secured all important data 1b. shut down computers, fans, lights, etc. 1c. left behind all personal belongings
Meet at some (unknown, predetermined) location with no personal belongings and
Hope it is not a real fire since if it is, we’re not getting in our cars to drive home.

I love my job. So much, I cheer and rejoice that I am applying at Other Companies in The Man & Big Brother, Inc. Family.

…no, really, I am. What else am I going to do? My skill set is very specific.

Well, the economy finally hit me

Sidney — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:48:52 +0000

I found out I might be laid off last week. I thought at first I was in shock, since I had no reaction; but after a few days, when the “yes, The Man and Big Brother, Inc. are cutting outsource employees from our company by 50% next year and you’re part of that 50%” statement was made I realized that I’m sort of glad – relieved, even. I mean, I’m not saying the prospect of being jobless, searching for a new job, and collecting unemployment appeals to me – but the thought that finally change has come and I can’t ignore it has made me feel free. I’ve been less than an advocate for Connecticut since I ended up here, and this is my opportunity to get the hell out of this state. Yes, I’m comfortable, yes I own my condo (and how I hate the condo association!), yes I have a life here and friends here and my parents are here – but I’m 28 – and I want to live somewhere I truly ENJOY. I want a job that I ENJOY, that CHALLENGES me, and especially where there is room for me to ADVANCE and CONTINUE MY EDUCATION, since sadly that is not the case here; I’m as high as I can go until people start kicking the bucket. I also never want to be an outsource/contract employee Ever Again. I will miss the winter (as I’m primarilly job searching in FL, SF, LV, OR, & DC) but I will also NOT miss the winter. My eyes are mostly set on DC, FL, and LV, but we shall see. Wherever I go, I do plan on finally buying that sailboat I’ve wanted since I was a teenager.

My own Inferno

Sidney — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 01:06:05 +0000

LOUD cell phone conversateurs
Circle I Limbo

CT Drivers
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

NAMBLA Members
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Westboro Church Members
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Misogynistic Pigmen
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Scientologists
Circle VII Burning Sands

Condo Associations
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Animal Abusers
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Vampires are only cool when they’re evil

Sidney — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:40:56 +0000

Much as I hate to admit it, I read the “Twilight” books. ALL of them. Why? They aren’t my normal reading, and for the record, I would consider Clive Cussler books classic literature compared to the “Twilight” books; hell, I might even prefer reading a Dan Brown novel, and I *hate* Dan Brown. I read them because I was sick and tired of hearing how awesome they were, and I wanted to have specific examples of badness to rebut arguments with (no really, it’s true). I didn’t buy them, I read them online (ha!) on my blackberry (haha!) during lunch breaks (hahaha!) and they took me all of about five hours to read, collectively, if that is any indication of their reading level (I’m guessing about 1st grade). I also watched the movie, and I was just as unimpressed with that as I was with the books. Actually, I was even MORE disappointed, because when the books are that bad, usually the movie is better; I mean, when you’re at the absolute BOTTOM of the barrel, there is only room to go up, right?

And I could write a massive essay on why I think the Twilight books suck, but I think the internet has already covered all my arguments (Bella is a wimpy ineffectual horn-dog, Edward is a manipulative psycho, that werewolf kid is really the only redeeming character in the books, sort of, until he almost um, rapes Bella, or something, but that’s OK because she forgives him, or whatever).

SO it turns out that, before all this Twilight nonsense, there were these other books, called “The Vampire Diaries,” which have now been turned into a TV show on CWTV. They were first published in 1991, which is quite a bit before this whole “Twilight” nonsense. They aren’t exactly the same, but they do have one thing in common that, to be honest, absolutely boggles my mind:

In both of these series, century+ old vampires feel the urge, for some reason, to return to high school.

Let that sink in a little bit. You have no need to turn on your suspension of disbelief here, so consider this: you’re over a hundred years old, you’ve lived through just about every war in recent history, you’re probably pretty smart if you’ve managed to stay alive all this time (oh wait, I forgot, one of the other things that these two series have in common is the vampires can go out during the day and not be reduced to a pile of ash) and oh yes, you’ve probably eaten LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE along the way, right? No, again, another thing these series have in common is our main Vampire McSteamy is a “vegetarian” who doesn’t eat people. But he has friends who are not so nice. And the ultimate thing that these have in common? Not only do these hundred-plus year old vegetarian UV-tolerant vampires return to high school, but they also are interested in dating high school girls.

Really? Because the only thing worse, in my opinion, than returning to high school, would be to date a high schooler. And they’re doing both.

Can someone please explain to me when and why vampires went from sexy-because-they’re-evil to sexy-because-they’re-magical-but-not-evil? And on what planet ANYONE could reasonably suspend their disbelief long enough to think for one MOMENT that anyone over the age of 25 would ever consider going back to high school, or dating a twatty teenager??

Just to recap what these books have in common:

insanely sexy/attractive century+ old vampire returns to high school
decides he wants to date a normal, teenage girl (young enough to be his great-great-great-granddaughter)
can go outside when the sun is still out
vampires can choose not eat people
vampires have friends/relatives who eat people

Fuck that. I like my vampires evil. Think Spike or Angelus from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Or ya know…Dracula.

Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for me

Sidney — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:33:59 +0000

This is a common theme for me, and I wonder how often other people deal with this sort of thing. I’m at the point where I’m tired of constantly accommodating people’s lack of planning, and I refuse to hurry for any deadlines other than my own now.

Current scenario:
Dude needs his group added to this communications system I manage (with the help of those monkey-trog douche-nozzles in the Lotus Notes group). In order to do this, I need a list of information from him, which I provided to him a couple months ago when he first contacted me inquiring about the system. I never heard back from him, and figured since he was sending technical data to Japan, that he had decided to just go through The Program Office rather than set up his own system and have to worry about export and proprietary, etc. Fast-forward to three weeks ago when I’m out with ineedtosleepinandplayvideogamesitis (aka was enjoying a flex time-induced three day weekend), of course this is the day he emails me saying he needs to get this set up RIGHT [THE FUCK] NOW because The Program Office refuses to process his shit for him, insisting he go through his own organization.

Ready?

SO I get a call on my cell phone from a coworker telling me we have a dude who is loosing his shit because I’m out today, so I trudge my cranky ass into work to meet with this guy because IT’S SUCH A FUCKING EMERGENCY AND HE JUST HAS TO GET THIS DATA TO JAPAN TODAY even though it’s FRIDAY and they are probably all asleep in bed in their time zone (where I wanted to be). And what happens?

The motherfucker stands me up. I go in ON MY DAY OFF, with NO hope of getting overtime, to appease this toolbag, and HE STANDS ME UP.

Well, fuck that. Anyway, I think he knows that he’s in the shit house, because the FOLLOWING week this dude’s BOSS contacts me to set up a meeting about the system.

Ready?

Dude’s Boss sent me a meeting notice for a 10:30AM meeting Friday morning. He sent the meeting notice at 9:25AM Friday morning. I was (yes! you know it!) on a THREE DAY WEEKEND, but had come in for a minute at lunch time to sign some papers for HR so I checked my email and saw the meeting notice, so sent him back a “I suggest this other time to meet” notice for the following Monday before going home. He gets it, gets frustrated, and proceeds to call/email me about a dozen times over the rest of the day demanding I meet with him that day.

I get in on Monday, explain to him “dude’s boss, I was on vacation on Friday, and you sent me the meeting notice with an hour heads up anyway, so let’s meet this week” but of course he’s up in Canadia on business for the week so I tell him “look, you just need to send me this information, the list of information I provided to dude months ago, here is the email I sent him, here is a presentation explaining why I need this, and you can just email me this information and I will have this set up when you get back from Canadia.” He ignores my email, comes back, and insists on an in-person meeting.

So we have our in-person meeting, during which I bring a print out of the emails and presentation I had already sent him and say “so this is what I want,” and he says “that’s it? that’s all you need?”

//headdesk

RTFQ. READ YOUR FUCKING EMAIL, PEOPLE.

So I tell this guy you get me this information, and I will request new user groups from the Lotus Notes group, who take “a few days” to get new groups set up in the system, and he says “oh, that’s all? great! so we’ll be cooking next week!” and everything seems copasetic. We met on Monday, he sent me his information on Wednesday, and I put in the request that afternoon for the new groups.

The following day I get this email from him:

“This is a list that is needed to support my Team’s activities I expect that you may receive similar requests from other teams but if possible I would you to put this into the [system] ASAP. I am late in delivering on my action item commitments and would therefore like to get the system updated quickly to allow me to catch up.”

I ignore this email because, let’s be honest, a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Today I get this email from him:

“Where do we stand on this? I tried calling you but you were not at your desk. I will try again later.

I would like to get this update completed today or tomorrow. The current configuration of the system does not meet our needs for the [some] program (as I think you discussed with Dude’s Boss) and I am anxious to get [my technical data] to [Japan] early this week.”

I respond:

“As I said to your boss, it takes a few days to get the groups requested. I requested them after our meeting last week, and am waiting for them to be applied to the database. I will let you know when it is ready.”

He responds:

“Who does this I was under the impression that you did it. Is there someone else I need to lean on to get this done faster?”

I respond:

“The Lotus Notes group has to create the groups and attach them to a database. There is no getting it faster, it just takes the time it takes due to how our lotus notes databases are set up here.”

He responds, CCing SomeDude from IT he’s friends with:

“ITDude: Can you expedite this please? -Dude”

REALLY!? I’m done helping him. I am leaving early and I don’t give a shit if he sends me a dozen more emails today. I FWD this entire ridiculous email chain to the actual IT people I am dealing with (not the random ITDude he emailed) just so they are aware someone is probably going to bitch at them at some point in the future over something they have no control over, and it’s not my fault.

//SIGH

My mom made me write this

Sidney — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:46:10 +0000

Yes, it’s true, I’m only updating because my mother whined that Catherine updates her blog more often than I do. She’s obviously a better daughter, who openly and publically keeps her family aware of the goings on in her life, whereas I am some giant black hole of…no really, I made one of those “how well do you know me” quizzes that have been tearing through facebook like wildfire, and my mother only scored a 25%, so she’s actually upset.

Today I am going to bitch about bumper stickers on cars at work. “But Sidney,” you may want to say, “that is FREE SPEECH and we all know you support free speech!” Yeah, yeah, I do, but guess what? When you work for The Man & Big Brother, Inc. YOU DO NOT GET FREE SPEECH. It is not covered in the employee handbook, so suck it up and remove your OFFENSIVE, MISOGYNISTIC, HATEFUL bumper stickers before I have to vandalize your car. I refuse to even take/post photos of the offensive sticker, but know it involves a photo of SWEET BABY JEZUZ, red dripping bloody letters and the words “abortion” and “murder” in the same sentence. Yeahhh….

On to happier topics. I have so far survived about six rounds of layoffs here at The Man & Big Brother, Inc. Which means I still have a job, though no guarantees past December. I was talking to EE last night about some of the drama (not publish-worthy, I assure you) that’s gone on in my life lately and – supportive friend/ex that she is – she says, “well, it seems like you have fewer and fewer reasons to stay in New England. Maybe it’s time to move?” Maybe, indeed. The prospect of job searching, job finding, and moving, all absolutely TERRIFY me. I’m only 28 though, so I’m supposed to still be footloose and fancy-free, right? The problem is, if I leave CT people will “expect” me to go to one of three places – back to South Florida where I grew up and where my father’s family still lives, out to Las Vegas where my mother’s family lives now, or to San Fransisco where I have been saying I wanted to live since I was 16 years old and where I have many, MANY friends and alums from my college, and where I would probably have a much easier time meeting women than here in CT where my two friends and I always call each other and ask, “hey, have you ever been on a date with so-and-so?” before going out with a new lady, I do not exagerate the queer community is THAT small, between the three of us we’ve covered most of the lesbians between New Haven and Springfield, possibly even Northampton. CoCo and Kevin want me to go to Atlanta, KT wants me to go to Austin, B wants me to go to Oregon…these are all nice suggestions, but I have no idea where **I** would want to move. Other than San Fransisco, but I hate the thought of living in a crappy share with multiple housemates, one who would probably have some big smelly dog that would chew up all my underwear…I’m just so spoiled sharing my condo with my two cats and one roomie and having my own little balcony where I tame squirrels and my pilates studio (and you know how hard it is to find a good place to exersize) with my trainer who I love…I may hate CT, but there is something to be said for the quality of life I manage to have here, despite the high(ish) cost of living.

So I went on over to findyourspot.com and took the quiz. I’m not sure it really listened to me. Hmm. Here is a sampling of my suggestions:

Honolulu, Hawaii America’s Tropical Paradise
This state capital has long been an important port city; its name is Hawaiian for “protected bay”…
Population: 905,300 | Average Home Price: $786,000 | Precipitation: 23″ | Snow: 0″

Baton Rouge, Louisiana The Cajun Capital
This town was named after the red stick its founder saw on a bluff overlooking the Mississippi River…
Population: 603,000 | Average Home Price: $159,000 | Precipitation: 61″ | Snow: 0″

Las Vegas, Nevada Entertainment Capital of the World
Ladies’ Home Journal called this one of its Best Cities for Women, citing skyrocketing job growth and shriveling crime rates…
Population: 1,722,000 | Average Home Price: $250,000 | Precipitation: 5″ | Snow: 1″

Charleston, South Carolina Cosmopolitan Southern City
Fort Sumter, the scene of the first shots of the Civil War, overlooks this city’s harbor…
Population: 603,180 | Average Home Price: $285,000 | Precipitation: 52″ | Snow: 0″

Jacksonville, Florida Florida’s First Coast
Here in Florida’s “youngest city” the median age is just 32…
Population: 773,800 | Average Home Price: $291,000 | Precipitation: 54″ | Snow: 0″

Baltimore, Maryland The Sparkling Harbor City
This Atlantic seaboard city is home to the National Aquarium…
Population: 651,000 | Average Home Price: $310,000 | Precipitation: 40″ | Snow: 18″

Santa Cruz, California Fun on the Central Coast
This city’s old lighthouse now features a surfing museum, overlooking the famous “Steamer Lane” surf spot…
Population: 54,200 | Average Home Price: $784,000 | Precipitation: 29″ | Snow: 0″

San Bernardino, California The Inland Empire
You can satisfy your craving for heat at this city’s annual California State Championship Chili Cook-off…
Population: 195,000 | Average Home Price: $396,000 | Precipitation: 12″ | Snow: 0″

Valencia, California A Blueprint For Paradise
This spot features over 21 miles of “paseos,” pedestrian walkways for leisurely travel throughout the community…
Population: 50,750 | Average Home Price: $525,000 | Precipitation: 21″ | Snow: 0″

San Francisco, California The Golden Gate City
The towers of this city’s Golden Gate Bridge are purposely out of alignment in order to compensate for the curvature of the earth…
Population: 751,700 | Average Home Price: $720,000 | Precipitation: 21″ | Snow: 0″

Santa Barbara, California The American Riviera
More than 1,200 movies were made in this city at the Flying A Studio before the movie industry centralized in Hollywood…
Population: 92,500 | Average Home Price: $1,180,000 | Precipitation: 17″ | Snow: 0″

Washington, District of Columbia The World’s Greatest Capital
This most patriotic of American cities was laid out by a French architect…
Population: 572,000 | Average Home Price: $572,000 | Precipitation: 39″ | Snow: 16″

West Palm Beach, Florida The Gold Coast
This famous Florida spot hosts “Sunfest,” the state’s largest music and art festival on the waterfront…
Population: 1,216,000 | Average Home Price: $326,000 | Precipitation: 60″ | Snow: 0″

And yes, I find it highly amusing that my old stomping ground (I was born in WPB) is LAST. hehe.

Work, life, and everything in between

Sidney — Mon, 04 May 2009 00:31:22 +0000

I have been ignoring this website, but well you know what they say about girls who have time to write in their journals…anyway! Life these past few months has seen quite a few changes. My amazing roommate and I have been getting along swimmingly, and I finally decided to have a chat wiht him about our living situation. He originally moved in temporarilly, on a month-to-month basis, while he was going to consider buying his own house, or getting an apartment by himself. Previously he had been living in a flat with a handful of other people almost half an hour from where he worked; here with me he is just down the road from work. So I went into his room one night and teasingly told him, “we need to talk about the living situation. When you originally moved in here it was going to be temporary, but it seems as though you are making no effort to move out.” The look on his face was priceless! I then told him I loved having him here, and that he is welcome to stay for as long as he wishes.

I never thought I would be one to live with a roommate again; the last one I lived with ended terribly, with her calling the police on my guests when I had a dinner party! I did have two friend roommates after college who I enjoyed living with, even though when I was in college, I found out that being best friends with people does not always mean you can live together in harmony when one summer Catherine and her girlfriend, and my girlfriend and I, shared a tiny, flea-infested flat in West Philadelphia. It was a record-breaking summer for heat, and there were no jobs to be found so my girlfriend and I ended up working as telemarketers selling circus tickets for the Potsdam Police Department. We had to beg for money for bus fare home one night when they raised the rate on us, so it was a stressful summer. I even played my trumpet on the street for tips! We made the most of it, but it was a hard summer, and my girlfriend and I ended up going home early after having so much trouble paying our own way. Catherine’s mom was awesome though; she would bring us cases of Heineken and Mike’s Hard Lemonade (hey, we were poor college kids, we had no taste) and take us to dinner every weekend.

Moving on to work issues…I’m sure the current ecomonic crisis is being felt by all. We had 200 people laid off at my company last week, and I am hanging onto my job by the skin of my teeth. Luckily I’m considered “low-cost outsourcing,” otherwise I would be collecting unemployment right now.

Questionable College Judgement

Sidney — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:50:42 +0000

I plugged in my portable harddrive from college and started looking through files and started thinking…

…what were we thinking?

Embarassing college decisions, in no particular order:

I had a webcam. Observe:

I had lots of piercings in my ears, as evidenced by this photo…

We drank far too much…we had to do do things like this…

I did terrible things to make myself unattractive. Like tiny braids. Lots of them.

My girlfriend and I had no idea how to decorate our home…

We had pets in school. Illegal pets…

I used to smoke…

…wank my aunt!?

Sidney — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:30:45 +0000

January’s top search terms to find paperhurts.com are in!

college woes excel
never date co-workers
redhead wanking herself
wank my aunt
engineers are dumb
should i pay condo fee or put that money towards a mortgage
many engineers are dumb
redheads in gay culture
date coworker
redhead commercial
poll clasp right hand dominant
gay redhead

#8 and #12 just warm the cockles of my heart. #5 and #7 were the topic of much discussion at the lunch table today. We’re having a party to celebrate our new engine, and one of the awards we discussed giving out would be entitled “Most Useless Engineer,” going to my least-favorite manager. I wish they would actually do that, but I know they won’t. They warned me that I can expect a good roasting, which just kind of makes me happy, because sometimes I don’t feel like part of the team, being so young, female, and well…yeah, that basically covers everything.

#4, however…WTF is wrong with you people!? “wank my aunt?!?!?!?” I don’t even want to know!

So in terms of #9 – tonight I am going on a date with my extraordinarily good looking coworker, who technically a little teeny tiny bit works FOR me, not WITH me, but we’re ignoring that fact for the purposes of pizza and beer at his place tonight. Expect a best and/or worst first date post this weekend.