Panicked Chick

New Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Sonia ) — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 06:43:00 +0000

I've retired this blog. Thank you all for reading and commenting. I needed a fresh new start. So, come join me at my new one, Brain Cooties. :)

CBT At Work - Eye-opening

noreply@blogger.com (Sonia ) — Thu, 26 Jun 2014 00:32:00 +0000

Earlier today at my second session with my CBT therapist, Dr. Ng, we figured out my deepest fear. The one at the end of the line. It went something like this:

Me: I'm afraid of feeling nauseous. It makes me extremely anxious and I think I'll throw up.

Dr. Ng: So you throw up. Then what?

Me: I panic, of course. And I feel even more anxious because now my stomach feels empty and hollow. And more tense than before.

Dr. Ng: So, you're afraid of vomiting. Why? Are you afraid of choking?

Me: No. I'm afraid of vomiting my insides. I know that sounds weird, but it feels that way since my stomach is empty. And then I start thinking, "what if I can't stop?"

Dr. Ng: Stop vomiting?

Me: Yes, because I saw this once on TV where this character had a brain tumour and kept getting such intense migrains that it made him vomit for hours on end and then the chemo...and if that happened to me, I'd kill myself.

Dr. Ng: Do you have a tumour?

Me: No.

Dr. Ng: Are you on chemo?

Me: No. (I start thinking about what it really is that scares me about vomiting and nausea and then it hits me.)

Me: I'm afraid that if I can't eat for a few days because of the vomiting and nausea, I won't be able to keep down food later. And that I'll become ANOREXIC again like when I was 14.

Dr. Ng: Booyah.

Actually he didn't say that but it's what he meant. That episode back when I was 14 really scared the shit out of me and until today, I had no idea that this was that BIG FEAR underneath all my anxiety about vomiting and nausea.

So, a common physical sensation such as nausea produces so much anxiety and panic all because I was afraid of becoming the dumb teenager I was at 14 who decided it would be nice to stop eating and start inducing vomiting to lose a few excess pounds.

This is also why I have put on over 100lbs since then because I believed that was the only way of ensuring that I would never feel like I did then when I couldn't eat a piece of bread without upchucking it. Big revelation.

CBT Self-Help Apps for Android & iPhone (UPDATED)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 01:08:00 +0000

I found a free CBT app for panic for an iPhone and since I don’t have an iPhone, I used my sister’s to try it out. The free version I found less than stellar. The treatment part of the app was locked and costs $13.99 so I couldn’t try that out. So instead I went online and searched for android apps and actually found some excellent free ones. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.

Free CBT Android Apps

Stop Panic and Anxiety (My favorite one since it addresses panic specifically)

The great things about this app are the features. You have an audio section that contains relaxation music, guided meditation as well as audio that guides you through a panic attack called “Panic Assistance”. A soothing woman’s voice guides you through your panic attack by explaining what is happening to you and why and positively telling you that you will be okay. I know that once I panic, all rational thought ceases to exist and having something like this to listen to while I am panicking is priceless.

Another great feature is the “Diary” section where you can write down any distressing situations and rate your distress level, emotion, intensity of emotions, list your thoughts and rate how much you believe these thoughts to be true.
The audios can also be downloaded from their website for free.

Free CBT iPhone Apps

iThinkSmarter

This is the app that I tried but couldn’t access the treatment part. I can’t exactly recommend it since I didn’t try it but I thought I would list it here for iPhone users in case they wanted to give it a go.
This is the only app I found that was free and the free version kind of sucks. I don’t really like Apple or any ibullshit, I think they’re greedy fucks like Microsoft, no offense if you love your iPhone or iPad or whatever. Anyway, for iPhone users, here is a list of paid apps to check out.

Paid CBT iPhone Apps

iCBT ($4.99)
CBT Referee ($4.99)
Panic Aid ($2.99)
Beat Panic (£0.69)
~~Panic Attack TalkDown ($29.99)~~

This is created by Charles Linden of the Linden Method. Personally, I’ve never tried the Linden Method and I don’t believe that any one method is the CURE for panic and anxiety. I also do not believe in paying huge sums for these numerous “methods” as you can find everything you need online for free. And the price is ridiculous but I digress.

Ripoff Alert:

Don't bother with the TalkDown app or any anti-anxiety programs being peddled online. This includes PanicAway and the Linden Method and the Lucinda Bassett Program. Why bother paying huge sums when you can help yourself for free. All books by Claire Weekes are recommended and these can be found at your local library. There is nothing new or revolutionary in these expensive programs that Dr. Weekes doesn't cover in her books. And best of all, she's not trying to sell you on anything. If your library doesn't have her books, then you can buy a copy on amazon for a reasonable price.

And if you have an iphone, then you're out of luck as most apps on there are not free and that's why I'll never buy an iphone - all that proprietary nonsense.

Check out these links about Anxiety Scams on the Internet:

Lucinda Bassett's Program on Ripoff Report

Beware of Midwest Center (Lucinda Bassett)

Calm Clinic (The newest nonsense)

Seroquel Nightmare

noreply@blogger.com (Sonia ) — Sun, 27 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I hate this fucking drug. It's five o'clock in the evening and I just woke up. I've been asleep since midnight. I don't know what's worse. Being knocked out for fifteen hours or being awake for twenty-four.

I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist to review my meds but that's weeks away. I don't know what to do anymore. I never fall asleep at the same time every night and I never wake up art the same time. Everything is upside down.

Beating Agoraphobia, One Step At A Time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 20 Oct 2013 06:23:00 +0000

Again, I must apologize for neglecting this blog. It was only because I had nothing positive to say and I didn't want to keep posting negative shit.

I was exhausted from fighting this damn disorder and so I just kind of stopped trying to get better.

For a while, I was panic free because I had stopped going out, stopped even trying to break through the boundaries that limited me. There I was just existing in a 2 square mile area around my house. It was and still is as far away from home as I can go without panicking and turning back.

But, yesterday, with the help of a couple of benzo's, I managed to actually make it to an orientation session at my local hospital for a CBT-based anxiety group that will take place this November.

It runs for ten weeks, meeting every Tuesday from ten to noon. It's a bit early for me as I am still suffering from insomnia but I will try my best to not miss any sessions.

Also, I will blog about each session because it is a very good group that helped me before. I completed this particular one back in

Panic Free at Salon

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 05:06:00 +0000

For the first time ever, I went to the hairdresser’s and did not panic! I've only ever been to the salon three times in my life. The first being before prom and that was such a panic-filled experience that I didn't go back for another decade. The second time, I panicked a few times but managed to get through it.

The third time was a couple of days ago. I just went in, didn't have an appointment, sat down right away and off my hair went. It was just a haircut and I knew it wasn't going to take too long and I also took an ativan earlier in the day because I had to go to the doctor. I tore a ligament in my ankle and could barely walk and that freaked me out because if I panicked I wouldn't be able to run away fast enough. I've panicked quite a bit since I twisted my ankle but it’s getting better now and I stopped taking the ativan.

Agoraphobia Still a Major Issue

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 00:07:00 +0000

I’ve had some good days lately. Ever since my mom left for a month long vacation, I’ve had to step it up, so to speak and rely on myself. I worried about her leaving for months in advance but when she finally left in August, I didn’t fall apart.

Instead I saw the upcoming 4 weeks without her as a challenge and it worked. Of course I made sure I had my Ativan at hand just in case and only had to use it on two occasions which is incredible given how panicked and anxious I was just a year ago when my mom first mentioned she would be leaving for a full month.

While she was gone, I had episodes of anxiety but no panic attacks. I was so surprised at how great I could handle myself. It sounds simple but changing the way I think and react to things happening around me almost eliminated my panic attacks. The anxiety is still there and at times I can feel the panic coming on but now I have ‘taught’ myself to intervene before I have a full blown panic attack. Just recognizing that I am in the ‘first stage’ of a full blown attack, I can stop it with my thoughts. And when that doesn’t work, there’s my Ativan but so far I have not needed it as much as I thought I would and that comforts me.

The next challenge is my agoraphobia. Though I have succeeded in lessening my panic attacks and dealing with my anxiety, the agoraphobia is still a major issue. I do go out every day and I did make it to my pdoc’s appointment without a hitch, traveling far from home (more than a few miles) is still a challenge. That’s why I’m starting group therapy at my local hospital. I want to get back to where I was before.

It’s weird because before I could go pretty much anywhere and my only concern was panicking but now I don’t panic and can’t go everywhere I want. But I’m determined because I have finally decided what I want to do with my life and I won’t let anything stop me.

At my last pdoc visit my depression scale results were minimal and my anxiety level went from severe to moderate in the last 7 months.

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 21:47:00 +0000

A lot's happened since I last posted. The reason for such a delay in posting has to do with my medication changes. After a lot of thought, I decided to stop taking lexapro and go back to effexor. That was a huge deal since I ranted for so long about going off effexor. It was hard and I still hate this drug for its withdrawal but I had to admit to myself that effexor worked better for me than anything else I've been on in the last few years.

Just admitting that after all my ranting about it made me feel like a hypocrite going back on effexor but in the end I had to do what was best for me.

Tapering lexapro was not easy either. I had such horrible stomach cramps that lasted for days. It was the kind of cramping you get when you have diarrhea. Just pure hell. But I tapered as slowly as possible and finally went off a couple of weeks ago. I restarted taking effexor while I was on the lowest dose of lexapro and it's been about two weeks that I've been back on just effexor. I'm only on 75mg now and I'm seeing a new psychiatrist, who I really like. He's very nice and helpful.

I'm also attending a group therapy for panic attacks once a week. It's been nice meeting others in person who have the same problems. The group is CBT based and we're learning how to get over this disorder through, well cognitive behavior therapy. So, we'll see how it goes.

I'm also rereading Claire Weekes' books as I feel I've forgotten everything I read before. This time I aim to absorb everything she says and actually do the things she suggests. I feel like she is the best when it comes to panic attacks and agoraphobia.

Also, I've been spending a lot of time on MDJunction, just talking to other agoraphobia and panic disorder sufferers. I like the forums there and the people. It's pretty active. I've actually been looking for something like this for a long time. Either I find forums that are barely active or some have too many stupid rules. So, I'm glad I've finally found one that suits me.

Off Seroquel, On Zopiclone

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 00:37:00 +0000

Two days ago I took my last Seroquel pill and started Zopiclone. It was a pain stopping the Seroquel; I was tapering off for months it seems. Now that I'm done with it, there's a sense of relief. But also disappointment as Zopiclone does not seem to be working for me. One person said that Zopiclone knocked him off his feet, but no such luck for me. I did notice a bitter taste in my mouth though. That's not a problem. I don't know whether Zopiclone is supposed to work right away or whether it's like an antidepressant that can take weeks to take effect.

I'll keep taking it for now. At least until I see my new psychiatrist in August. I missed my first appointment, which I addressed in a previous post and I couldn't get another on until August 11th. I'm wondering if she's too busy. It would suck if I could only get an appointment once a month but I'll take what I can get.

Obstacles to Mental Illness Help

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 22:47:00 +0000

Image via Wikipedia

Today, after months of waiting for an appointment with a new psychiatrist, I went full of anxiety. On the way there I resisted the urge to take my emergency Ativan. At least, until I got really close. After looking for a spot to park, I was frustrated that I had to park on the hospital parking lot. I thought I'd just park there since I had only 3 minutes to make it on time. But after seeing the price for one hour, I balked and angrily drove away. There was no way in hell I was going to pay $4.50 for one hour, since it would expire 3 minutes before my appointment was over and by the time I got there, I probably would have gotten a ticket since those parking attendants patrol those lots like sharks. I didn't even bother to look at how much it would cost for 2 hours. There was nothing in between 1 and 2 hours.

So, I drove around and finally found a lane spot across from a church, though still within walking distance to the psychiatrist's office. I paid a $1.50 there. Reasonable. I walked into the building a couple minutes later. I saw two elevators which I did not want to take as I was already nervous enough, so much so that I wanted to flee home but I made myself stay because I hate standing people up and I thought that this was my last chance to get some professional help. I didn't want to wait anymore. To my shock and anger, there was only one stairwell and it led DOWN. Into the basement I think from the first, ground floor. My appointment was on the fourth floor in Outpatient Psychiatry. I asked around and nobody knew. Finally, gathering some courage, I took the elevator up to the fourth floor, heart in throat.

The woman who was with me in the elevator also got out on the fourth floor and I asked her if there was a stairwell. She said there was but that it was LOCKED.

I was fuming. Thinking how it was against fire codes and I felt like it was inaccessible to me because of my disability. I just could not get into an elevator. While I was up there I searched for the psychiatrist's office but all I could think about was that elevator. Because of previous experiences of waiting for an elevator to come, I was terrified. I felt trapped up there. The hallway was narrow and windowless and full of offices with closed door that I fled.

On my way out I decided I would call whomever was responsible for that building and demand that the doors to the stairwell be unlocked. I was not about to give up this opportunity of getting professional help for my panic and agoraphobia which is spiraling out of control.

When I got home, I called the psychiatrist's office, first to tell her why I couldn't make and secondly to ask her whom I should talk to about the stairwell issue. (This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, it is a serious obstacle. One too many. It's hard enough leaving the house and driving in traffic to an appointment in a stuffy car with no air-conditioning on a hot day while hyperventilating.)

Anyway, what she told me made sense. The psychiatrist's receptionist told me that there are people, or rather patients on that floor who are there against their wills and thus the doors must be locked so they don't leave. I told her that that was scary. She agreed and then told me that when I come to my next appointment to call and someone with a key will come down and let me in. Of course they'll also have to unlock the door on the fourth floor when I leave and walk with me down to the ground floor and unlock that door as well. Phew. That has an unpleasant feel of a prison. And I am so claustrophobic and terrified of being locked in anywhere that this will definitely be a challenge at least for a while until I get used to it.

The building itself is not a hospital but is next to it and I think the patients who are admitted into the psychiatric ward of the Royal Columbian Hospital, attend sessions with their psychiatrists in that building. I don't think anybody actually lives there. I am not afraid of those people, just the locked stairway.

One last disturbing thought.

I don't think that I would ever have the guts to attempt suicide, and that's a good thing, because you can never be sure if you'll succeed. And failing would be worse than death if it meant being locked up like an animal, no matter if that is what's best for you.

Back From Self-Imposed Exile (Thank You For All the Comments and Support))

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 13:38:00 +0000

Every once in a while I feel the need (or urge) to take a break from my blog. Sometimes I just get fed up with my disorder and want to forget about it for a while and hence the avoidance. But I'm back now as I realized that I feel better when I air things out and thank you all for sticking around. :)

Retta, thank you for your comment. Recently, I had a major panic attack after reading some horror stories about Klonopin online. I won't do that again. I was so terrified by this one post that I just had to search google for good experiences with Klonopin. I found some and what this person said totally made sense. He basically said that people for whom Klonopin worked or is working are not spending their time online talking about it but are out living their lives. I hope that's true and that these horror stories are few and far between if not exaggerated. It seems that some people's negative experiences with this drug was mostly due to them taking it every day and then all of a sudden trying to quit them cold turkey.

After that day (reading the horror stories) I became so frightened that I haven't used my Ativan since. It's almost been a week. I just had to prove to myself that I do not need it every day and that I can handle my panic attacks. Before that day, I had been a little lax in using it. I was having a hard time sleeping. I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to stop my Seroquel and asked for something safer and he gave me Zopiclone. Like an idiot, I tried stopping the Seroquel and substituting it with Zopiclone (I was on 50mg/day on the Seroquel). Needless to say, it was horrible. I took the Zopiclone and couldn't sleep at all. It was 7 or 8am when I went to sleep and that was because I took an ativan. That night I doubled the Zopiclone to 15mg (my idiocy wasn't apparent to me at the time). It was hard to sleep again. Later in the day, I became so dizzy and I felt my heart-rate slow down. I was so terrified I thought I would have to go to the hospital. And that terrified me even more. I had to take my ativan. I also took my Seroquel dose and the dizziness soon stopped.

Since then I have been taking seroquel; well tapering. Taking it slowly because I am afraid of feeling that dizzy again. I have been on medications that made me dizzy for hours after taking them but not like this. This was truly terrifying.

I may try zopiclone again after I taper off seroquel. And that's going to take a while. I'm down to 37.5mg and anxious about tapering further as even at this dose I feel foggy.

But some good news now. I finally get to see a psychiatrist. I'm on the waiting list for an outpatient psychiatry program at a great hospital that's actually close to me, yay. Just waiting for a phone call. Can't wait to have an actual psychiatrist advising and prescribing my meds.

A Month Without Effexor

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 08 May 2011 00:26:00 +0000

Image via Wikipedia

Tomorrow will be a month since I went of Effexor and I hate to admit this but I feel so much worse. I'm not in withdrawal anymore, at least I don't think so but my agoraphobia is so much worse that I don't know what to do. In my frustration I actually considered GOING BACK ON EFFEXOR. That tells me that I'm really desperate. I really don't want to go back and I don't think it's an option anymore now that I'm on lexapro. I've been considering taking Klonopin but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. If anyone has taken klonopin, can you please let me know what you think of this drug. I've read many reviews and most were good, some bad but that's to be expected. Klonopin was the drug taken most often for agoraphobia and that's why I'm considering it.

About three weeks ago, my doctor increased the lexapro to 20mg a day but so far, I can't say that it has eased my agoraphobic symptoms. At least I don't have as many panic attacks. Only when I'm out of the house do I feel agoraphobic and then I have a panic attack. It's just horrible. I don't remember feeling this way since 2001, when I could barely leave my house. I don't want to go back there. I'm really disappointed in my doctor and I'll have to try to get another appointment with a psychiatrist because a family doctor knows nothing about what I'm going through.

Feeling Agoraphobic Again

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 22:06:00 +0000

I was on my way here when I freaked out today. I took this
picture a year ago when I went to Granville Island. I didn't
even get close to this intersection today.

I don't know what is happening but I feel so agoraphobic again and it's pissing me off. A month ago I was able to drive downtown, not anxiety free, but totally manageable. Now, I can't even drive half that distance without freaking out. I think the effexor withdrawal is really screwing with me. I feel like it's making my anxiety and agoraphobia worse now that I'm completely off the drug. I stopped taking effexor exactly two weeks ago. I still feel the withdrawal symptoms and I just wonder when it'll end. I wanna go out again. I've tried to drive to this appointment with a mental health advocate four or five different times in the last year without success. I tried again today, but not even halfway there, I totally freaked out. The lights were red everywhere and there were so many cars, I had to turn back. It was horrible.

Yesterday was even worse. I totally caused a scene at a Choices supermarket. God, I hate that store. Every time I go in there, and I mean every single time, I have a panic attack. But like a sadist, I keep going back. My sister was with me, I would never go in there myself (way too expensive), and I was so close to just leaving her there, I was so freaked out. But of course I couldn't just leave her there and that made me panic even more because I had to wait for her to pay for her shit. Ugh. So, I ran out of the store and tried to calm down using Panic Away's 21 second countdown. It didn't work. Not today. It worked beautifully the day before. I guess I was too freaked out for it to work. And there was no way in hell, with the way I was feeling, that I would embrace the fear and invite it in. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll elaborate on the Panic Away system tomorrow).So, as soon as my sister got out of the store, we got the hell out of there.

Back to my doctor on Wednesday. I need to up the lexapro now that I'm off effexor.

Effexor Withdrawal - Day 2 (I'm Free)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 06:49:00 +0000

Today, unlike yesterday, was a great day. I expected to feel as crappy as yesterday but after about 15 hours of sleep, I felt great. No withdrawal symptoms at all. I was so shocked and relieved. I'm finally free of effexor. I was instantly reminded of this song by The Who, called I'm Free. Very fitting. So, I've been listening to it all day. So, here it is for your enjoyment.

Effexor Withdrawal - Day 1

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 05:03:00 +0000

It's been a long day. I felt foggy since early afternoon. I still feel foggy, I have flu-like symptoms, feel a little lightheaded. All day I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open, but when I closed them, I didn't feel like I could go to sleep. Today is the first day I didn't take my regular effexor dose. And I'm not planning on taking it ever again. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a little better.

The anxiety is such a sadistic withdrawal symptom and for everyone who knew about this and failed to mention it to us (the unwitting patients), you can all go to hell for putting us through this misery. Karma is a bitch.

Happy 2 Year Anniversary - PanickedChick

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 07:20:00 +0000

Image by Sonja Dupor

I can't believe it's been two years since I started this blog. Two years is plenty in internet time, I guess. I've abandoned this blog on more than one occasion for whatever reason (lack of inspiration, feeling like there was nothing meaningful for me to say, feeling like nobody would want to read my thoughts,etc) but I abandoned that thinking and just concentrated on writing. Writing for writing's safe because I love it and writing for therapy. I have far too many thoughts, most of them anxious or filled with worry, so getting them out had been great for me. And if people have enjoyed even some of my posts, then that makes me really grateful.

After two years of blogging on PanickedChick, I'll like to extend a big thank you to everyone who has read my blog and who continues to do so. You have no idea how much it means to me. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for making me feel less alone. Thank you!

CBT Worksheets

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 04:51:00 +0000

Image via Wikipedia

I just added a bunch of CBT Worksheets which you can find by clicking on 'CBT' in the navigation. Many thanks go to Carol Vivyan from Get Self-Help for allowing me to use her worksheets on this site. If the page is taking too long to load, let me know and I'll make a separate page with text links to the worksheets.

Now go and help yourself to any worksheet. I highly recommend the Self-Help CBT Course. It's 63 pages and it's a very good introduction to cognitive behavior therapy.

Anti-Anxiety Foods

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 07:52:00 +0000

Image via Flickr

Ah, nutrition. Most of us with anxiety probably already know which foods to eat and which to avoid. I know this myself, yet rarely do I follow these nutritional 'rules.' For those who want to know what to avoid and what to eat more of, here it is. I received this booklet while participating in an eight-week long CBT program at Burnaby Hospital last summer.We also received a lot of worksheets that helped and I'll get those posted as soon as possible for anyone that is interested. Now, back to the post.

Calming Foods

Almonds
Garlic
Brazil nuts
Oats
Onions
Celery seed
Cumin
Fennel
Chamomile tea
Milk
Honey
Yogurt
Sage
Spearmint
Lime or orange peel
Leafy green veggies
Water - dilutes anxiety

Anti-Anxiety Foods

Beans
Beef
Brown rice
Bananas
Eggs
Whole wheat
Salt water fish
Carrots
Walnuts
Chicken
Peas
Wheat germ
Sunflower seeds
Whole grains
Legumes
Berries
Tomatoes

Folic Acid

According to research by Dr. Young of McGill University, folic acid deficiency can contribute to depression. He recommends 200-500 micrograms a day. If you're considering taking folic acid, talk to your doctor as large amounts can be toxic.

Foods With Folic Acid

Spinach
Split pea
Barley
Lentils
Beans
Brown rice
Dates
Oranges
Fish (salmon, tuna)
Beef

Foods To Avoid

Anything with caffeine (so, coffee, sodas, chocolate, diet pills)
Cigarettes (considered food to some)
MSG
A number of antidepressants (WTF?)
Sugar
Alcohol
White flour and anything made from it
Artificial sweeteners
Processed foods

So basically you we should avoid everything that tastes good and makes us feel good. Lol. Personally, black coffee makes me anxious but everything else doesn't really bother me. How about you?

Source: Nutritional Protection Against Anxiety & Depression by Lilija Valis, M.S.W.

Se-Cure Program, Burnaby Mental Health & Addictions Services, March 2005

Racing Pigeon Found (Warning: Graphic Images Below Post)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 04:52:00 +0000

I've put the images below the post and minimized the size so that whoever wants to avoid seeing them can do so. Also, here is a link to PETA's take on pigeon racing. I realize that not everyone supports PETA in all its efforts, but animals being used for human hobbies is just unacceptable to me.

My sister came upon this poor bird in front of our building when she came home from work. She saw a crow basically feasting on this live pigeon. The crow tried to fly away with the pigeon in its mouth but thankfully he dropped him and the pigeon ran to safety. He can't fly. His wing was bleeding, I later saw.

He stood in the corner in front of the main entrance, bleeding. By the time I got there, someone had already placed some food and water in front of the pigeon. The crow got him pretty bad. He clucked at his neck, pulled out all the feathers, exposing his flesh on one side and on the other I could see that a chunk of his flesh was bitten off. It's just so disturbing. The reason I am posting these images is because this pigeon is a racing pigeon. I have never heard of this until today. I found that out when I saw the pigeon had some sort of a tracking number tied to its foot and I did a Google search. Racing pigeons is of course a human hobby and it just sickens me that people make sport out of animals.

It's cruel. These pigeons are bred for speed but they are raised in captivity and just don't know how to fend for themselves. They are put in these races and their speeds are tracked and more than half never even finish the race or return to their owners. They die of exhaustion or hunger or predators or are killed by their owners by wringing their necks. Apparently this is a common practice with injured or 'useless' pigeons. I don't know how this crap is legal.

I took the pigeon and placed it in a warm box with food and water. I called the SPCA and someone is on their way over to pick him up.

While I was writing this, I checked on the bird and saw that he didn't drink any water so I raised the cup and he drank so eagerly. I'm guessing he's in too much pain to move his neck and bend down. Poor thing. I'll keep giving him water myself until the SPCA arrives.

Tapering Effexor XR

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 05:26:00 +0000

Third time's a charm. Or is it fourth? No matter. I finally feel that I will so be done with this drug. I've been tapering since ~~Monday~~ last Tuesday. That's when I ran out of lexapro and needed a refill. I had to see another doctor and he totally gave me a panic attack, lol. I don't know why, but every time I am out of pills and I wait for the last minute to get an appointment, I start thinking about how this would be the worst time to have a panic attack and flee without my medication. (My doctor refuses to call in prescriptions.)

Anyway he advised me how to taper. Well, I already knew how to do that. It was the withdrawal that kept getting in my way. This is probably completely unnecessary but a visual might help me remember when to take a particular dose. (I have memory issues; not sure if it's related to any of my medications.) So here it is:

The second week of April will probably be hard, when I'm supposed to just stop completely. I'll just wait and see. I've been doing fairly well since I began tapering. Just that one panic attack at the doctor's office (and a minor one a couple of days ago). I've had headaches and fogginess during the 37.5mg days but it's lessening. So, hoping for the best.

This Post Is Rated R And May Offend

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 04:25:00 +0000

Image by Sonja Dupor

We got the results of my dad's biopsy (pancreas) a couple of days ago. It was inconclusive. The good news is that there was nothing to see and the bad news is that the specialist wants to do another one in case there is something he missed. He just wants to double check everything. The reason it's bad news is because my dad has decided today that he doesn't want to do another biopsy. We have it scheduled for Tuesday, March 22. That fucking pisses me off because I feel like he's just giving up. He said he's happy now and he'd rather not know if something were wrong. He doesn't want to go through more surgeries or chemotherapy or radiation. He said knowing that he has cancer again would be too painful psychologically and he'd rather die not knowing. Fucking hell. I was at a loss and I told him he was giving up and that maybe I should do the same. Just stop trying to get over my panic attacks and agoraphobia and just lock myself in my room and wait to die. He said that's not the same thing. Blah, blah. Then he said he had to think of himself first and then about us and I told him that was fucked up. I said to my mom:

"When people decide to have kids, they have no right to think of themselves first. They have no right to be selfish. They're a part of a family and they need to think and act accordingly."

And she agreed. So finally after arguing all day and trying to convince my dad to go to the biopsy, for us, he finally relented. He agreed to do it for us. He said to my mom and me that he didn't think we cared that much whether he went or not. What the fuck, I thought. His sense of humour is weird. I don't know if he was kidding. But at least now he knows how much it means to us and he's willing to do it.

I would thank god but he had nothing to do with changing my dad's mind. It was me. And I thank myself.

Panic in BC

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 23:16:00 +0000

Image via Wikipedia

People here in Vancouver and along the BC coast are panicking about radiation exposure following the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. According to a local newspaper, potassium iodide pills and Geiger counters are flying off the shelves. And it's happening in the US, too.

For someone with a panic disorder, you'd think I'd panic first. But I'm not. It's weird, but I don't see the point in panicking at this point because my rational mind tells me that if the situation warranted such fear and panic, the government or some other agency would have had a public announcement of some sort by now.

I just don't believe that the radiation will reach us. And even if it does, panicking will only make matters worse. So, I'm pretty proud of myself for not freaking out. Ever since the earthquake in Japan, there's been a lot more talk about Vancouver's overdue quake. That's scary because it could happen at any time. But I'm not going to freak out about it. I think I'm safe living inland, so I'm not worried. Wouldn't it be weird if a quake happened and everyone around me panicked and I didn't? Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. I'd probably be the first one to panic. I'd have a rational reason to panic, wouldn't I?

Long Term Use Of Ativan - Is It Worth It?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 22:51:00 +0000

Last night, after taking 2mg of Ativan, I thought about writing a pro/con list of long term use of the drug. But I was too sleepy to do it then, so I did it this morning. I can still feel the effects of the drug, which I like. I try really hard not to use it but keep it with me as a security blanket. In case I desperately need to take it, I avoid it. And I have been pretty strong-minded. I haven't abused it and I'm afraid to, which is a deterrent in itself.

With this list, I just wanted to see whether the cons outweighed the pros. Though there are more pros, which I expected to be the case, the cons still outweigh the pros because of obvious reasons. Becoming dependent and then having to increase the dose to feel the initial effects. And what happens when you reach the highest dose and that dose no longer has the desired effect? No, thank you. And if you manage to withdraw from the drug successfully, there is still the cognitive deficiency. To restore cognitive function could take longer than 6 months.

I'll just wait for XBD173/Emapunil to become available. That is, if it ever does. I read somewhere that a Japanese company has the patent or rights to the compound and are not doing anything to get it on the market, as yet.

That seems pretty selfish to me and I bet millions of others who would love nothing more than to have some relief without horrifying side effects and addictions.

This Beats Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 22:40:00 +0000

I just discovered this site yesterday and it's awesome. This site beats Facebook. It's not the same but like Facebook you can connect with friends and find people who have a lot in common with you. It's called Experience Project and you can share your stories anonymously and find people who have or have had the same experiences as you. I'm still exploring the site and I'm finding it pretty addicting. And of course it's all free.

When Family Gets You Down

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 04:30:00 +0000

Today was one of those bad days. And it just happened that I was supposed to go somewhere with my sister and since I wasn't feeling up to doing anything, I told her I wouldn't go with her. I felt very on edge. On days like this, when I haven't slept properly and my appetite is off, I can almost taste the panic and I don't want to push it by doing something that is very anxiety provoking. My sister just doesn't understand this or doesn't want to. Sometimes it feels like all she cares about is how my condition affects her. But I know this isn't true. I've made plans with her before and broken them because I can never know in advance how I'll feel on the day of our plans.

A couple of years ago we made plans to drive to Bellingham during the day to go shopping. The US border is less than an hour away from where we live and I've been there before but I was still anxious. We got as far as the border and when I saw how big the wait was to cross, I got more and more anxious. And then I started thinking about how long we would have to wait to cross back into Canada and I totally freaked myself out. By this point my mind was racing. I thought about turning around and how suspicious that might look to the border officers (we were already in line) and authority freaks me out. I couldn't calm myself down and so I had to turn the car around and head home.

Needless to say my sister was so pissed off. I, in turn, was mad at her for not understanding and we didn't speak for days after this. It was horrible.

The point I am trying to make is that nobody will ever hurt you more than the people you love the most. It makes sense and it sucks. She really made me feel like shit when she stormed out angrily when I told her I wouldn't be going with her. What sucks more is the constant advice. "You can;t just sit at home. You have to break through this fear." Like I don't know that. On some days, that is just not a good idea. What my family and others don't understand is the amount of mental and emotional strength it takes to face the day sometimes. It's mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting and sometimes I just want a break from this daily struggle. Is that too much to ask.