19-23 Aug

很多熟悉的细节
更多陌生的冒险
总有一天
我们会学会告别

当一切慢慢发生
当画卷被缓缓铺开
我终于更相信
一切都是最好的安排

[[微醺的上集
微妙的下集
未完待续当局者的迷]]

一不小心，戳心了

很巧地在33岁的前一天
我经历了一场对话
关于气场关于沉稳的表达
E很客气
他说小女孩的声线可能改不了
但你还是可以成为更好的你
那段对话
好像很适合拿来立为长大一岁以后的目标

***

这个生日
和之前很多年的生日都不一样
凌晨2点飞驰在无人的高速公路上
突然眼泪翻涌上来
“没有句点已经很完美了
何必误会故事没说完”

***

这个生日
我留给了自己
谁也没见
只有自己、音乐、红酒和文字

零零碎碎的信息进来
记得的忘记的
很多事情变得不重要了
也许成长本来就是一个舍弃的过程

而在这个舍弃的过程中
更需要知道什么才是重要的
于工作、于人情
都是如此

远离电话，早点睡觉
坚持看书，坚持运动
照顾好容颜更照顾好心情
就在这里立几面小旗吧

生日快乐
33岁的自己

我也不知道为什么
26岁和21岁的人儿听的歌
比我听的还沧桑
却反过来问我
为什么唱那么多伤情的歌
“你究竟经历了什么”

元点这首歌时对我说
送给你的
我没有问他究竟想表达什么
只是听着听着渐渐沉默

倒不是因为这首歌唱了什么
而是元在歌里歌外表达的心情
那些没有明说的话语
我居然都懂

谁能相信
此生，至今
我们的相处好像正好15天
15天，而已

[[稀罕的是遇到了解]]

和我爸相处的不到24小时里
我重复最多的一句话
可能就是
真羡慕你们这样可以挥霍时间的人

小时候我爸总说我是时间的富翁
现在我觉得他们才是时间的富翁
我开始明白
有些时候他们选择做公交而不是打车
不全是因为省钱
而是“反正我有时间”

前两天见一个刚辞职的朋友
我们也聊到这点
我们都知道we are rushing for no reason anyway
可是我们还是在rush
“忙”仿佛已经成了一种瘾
不忙反而有失落感甚至罪恶感

很奇怪的是
我之前一直觉得周末过得很快不够用
可是和退休人士相处一天以后
我居然觉得时间变得好慢
感觉我做了很多事可是怎么现在才十点

说着说着我都忘了开头想表达什么
“从前日色变得慢
车马邮件都慢
一辈子只够爱一个人”

凌晨一点
在毫无征兆地时候听到这首歌
歌词有一种说不出的味道
调子并不是最适合KTV的调
却非常适合凌晨一点这样的寂寥

林采欣
一个不曾听过的名字
找来她的专辑
专辑名叫《守夜人》
原来真的是写给夜的诗

点开《瑜伽》点开《十二年》
发现居然都很好听
而且是她自己写的曲男朋友写的词
全是写给黑夜的章节
词也好曲也罢
会在不经意间拨动心弦
也会在不经意间隐隐刺痛

不过她唱过最毒的歌也许是《就是这样》吧

世界太大 根本没人要看你
生活有多美丽 跟你也没有关系
你的梦想依旧遥不可及
你的努力只能感动自己

世界太大 根本没人要看你
舞台有多华丽 而你坐在观众席
你的好友都想把你屏蔽
你爱的人从没注意过你

奇怪的是
我感觉我其实有听过
“来一碗负能量熬的鸡汤”
也许，只有痛过的才会被记得

This was the script for my recent TMC speech (and I got Best Speaker for that). It was a glimpse of my personal reflection of my leadership journey. I may not have enjoyed the difficult moments (just as what I’ve expected before taking up the managerial role), I’m grateful for the personal growth through these.

A few years ago, my boss asked me to take up a managerial role. I was ambivalent about it. All the years in school had taught me how to do my work but no one had taught me how to be a leader. What if I can’t deliver results? What if nobody listens to me? What if I can’t live up to the expectations?

Until today, I’m still trying to figure out how to be a good leader. But at the same time, I also start to see that an important part of being a leader is to make good judgment calls. Every single decision we make will add together and eventually determine who we are and how we lead. I will talk about this from three aspects, work, people and culture.

First, work. I used to think that managing work is easier than managing people. I was wrong.

There was one time I vetted someone’s report. Within the first 2 pages, I spotted a few spelling mistakes and grammar errors. I asked myself should I just correct for her? Should I stop vetting? I couldn’t believe that I actually spent a good 15 minutes thinking about it. In the end, I returned her the report before finishing vetting and told her the reasons. But then I felt bad about it too. Am I being too harsh? Is she going to feel demoralised? I spent another 15 minutes ruminating on this.

I realised that we can’t separate work from people so easily. Work is done by people and people attach feelings to their work. Steve Jobs had unrelenting standard, which brought success to Apple. But he was notorious for yelling at his people all the time. I’ve also seen leaders who cared so much about people’s “feelings” that they compromised work quality. “Can’t meet KPI? Never mind, next month.” “Too stressed? ok, I give you less work.” These can be the start of a slippery slope. They lower your standard before you even realise it.

So should I be fierce or be nice? Over time, I learnt that I should always hold the bar high, but help people build their capability to reach that bar. It’s not easier than being Ms Fierce or Ms Nice, but easy is not the goal, excellence is.

If managing work is difficult, managing people is even more so.

I had a team member who was very hardworking. But her performance had been deteriorating due to some serious personal struggles. I knew that she needed professional help before the work literally killed her. But she refused to see a counsellor. In the end, the management team, including me, decided that she would no longer do direct client work. She did not expect that. She was angry, crying, and looked into my eyes and asked me “are you saying that if I don’t go for counselling, I cannot see clients anymore?” I’ve never seen her being so angry and confrontational. I was so tempted to give a tentative answer or explain myself, but all I did was looking at her, and said one word, “yes”.

This was probably the most difficult conversation I’ve had so far. Saying yes meant that the decision was final, meant that I would lose a precious team member, and also meant that I would probably be seen as a “cruel” leader. Till now, I still remembered that split second when I could have changed my mind or said a bit more. But I knew that I had to say yes for the sake of her well being, even if it meant that she would hate me.

This was one of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in my leadership journey — to “care” means to put the person’s interest as the priority and set the person up for success. Whether your intention is understood by the person is secondary.

The last one is about culture.

Early this year, I had to work with another team leader on a project. We had some differing opinions but before our discussion, she talked to our director and got the director on her side. On one hand, I felt that this was not collaborative and simply not a nice gesture; on the other hand, I felt that maybe it was too trivial to be brought up.

I told my mentor about it. He looked at me and said, “you’ve already known your answer. You come to talk to me because you are caught between what you know is right and what you might face if you act. Remember, behaviours that are repeated often enough create culture”.

After sitting on it for a few days, I raised it to that team leader. I held my breath when delivering my speech, but I did it. I knew that I needed to do it, not for myself, but for the team and for a healthier work culture.

Early in my leadership journey, I wanted to know the “right” way of being a leader. I later realise that there is no right or wrong way. I need to derive my own principles and make decisions based on these principles — hold the bar high, putting others’ interest as the priority, and instil a healthy work culture.

Being a leader often means that I need to confront the elephant in the room, to make difficult decisions, and to face my own fear. It is not easy and it will never be. I would like to end my speech with a quote from Nelson Mandala. It’s a good reminder to myself and those of you who are walking through a similar journey,

很喜欢这首歌MV的意境
虽然又是一首很不适合在KTV唱的歌
梁氏MV，开头无比漫长

终于还是看了End Game
带着很多错综的情结
喜欢它不完美的结局
有人离开有人留下
这才是真实的人生

然后正巧看到3年前记录下的一些文字
已然忘记记录的背景和原因
但发现原来当时的自己已经那么“深刻”
“成长，有时是一种离开”
谁说不是呢

“我们一直都在学，好好地道别”

没头没尾的标题
毫无征兆地闯进这里

印象中服务器好像不曾被修好
还有点惋惜我十年来的记录
然后突然发现一切都好好的
突然不知道为什么有一种心安

看到2017年的文字
心想哦原来我不久前来过
再一想
啥，现在是2019
我的2018去了哪里

一整个2018
我清晰地记得很多事很多情
可是我无法把它们写下来
我只能说
其实文字很苍白
真正刻骨铭心的东西
全都在心里和身体里
我们所经历的每一件事
都会在我们身上留下印记

过去的半年
发生了好多天翻地覆的事
以及没有天翻地覆但足以撞击心灵的事
当一切归于平静
有时会怀疑所有发生过的都是梦

也是在这样的跌宕起伏中
我收获了很多很温暖的瞬间
和也许只有在那些特定时刻才会有的陪伴
最近E对我说
其实你挺resilient的
是呀，连我自己都不知道
我比我以为的坚韧

“那你期待Q2吗”
“不”
“为什么？”
因为该来的都会来
我们不是有一个共识吗

无论你遇见谁，他都是对的人；
无论发生什么事，那都是唯一会发生的事；
不管事情开始于哪个时刻，都是对的时刻；
已经结束的，就已经结束了。
如果事与愿违，请相信这一切都是最好的安排。

2017的最后90天
数了一下
2/3的时间我会生活在别处

本来还很兴奋于在美国到处飞
可以当行程满过我想象
又觉得好累
LA，西雅图，奥兰多，达拉斯，纽约，三番
7个星期怎么飞得了这么多地方
而且还都是一个人

我会离2个迪斯尼乐园很近很近
但我会和它们擦肩而过
我会一个人徜徉在纽约街头
这不是我想象中的第一次美国之行
但很多事情本来就会逆向而行
其实今年的主题大概是solo trip吧
年头没实现的
年尾solo到饱

+++

生活在别处
这是很久以前的想法
所以才会是这个部落格好久没变的标题
前几天与小北重聚
看到她的ins描述
就是这句话
突然觉得仿佛遇上了从前的自己

14年前在华中宿舍那间房里
那是我第一次对在新加坡的初中生活没那么厌恶
第一次真心觉得快乐
可以笑得肆无忌惮
可以难过得很忧郁

还记得你离开那一天
宿舍里有国庆节的庆祝
所有人好喧哗
而我记挂着你的离开
独自回到空荡荡的空间
那种感觉14年后依然真实

我想 它是被写在骨子里的吧
就像我记得你离开前夜给我写的纪念册
那之后很长一段时间里
我都记得你写的每一个字

挨球的人

即便我现在在写这些
都可以感受到14年前的那种强说愁的感伤
那段明晃晃的一去不回的青春

只是庆幸14年后
我们的话题开始得还是那么自然
还是那么说不完
这是要有怎样的契合
才会有这样的相遇

+++

觉得自己的生活状态好像前所未有的好
和身边每一个人的距离
都刚刚好
不远不近不温不火
留点自我保护但大多时候都是轻松愉悦的

可不可以就这一直这样下去
可以有人说过

相聚离开都有时候
没有什么会永垂不朽