From the Balcony

Dumb and Dumber

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 12:43:00 +0000

Seriously, this is another one of those days. You know when the world just became a little bit more insane. “London councils sue themselves for parking offences.” You can’t make this stuff up. Which is what mr. Segal is saying all along…

Simple Solutions

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:38:00 +0000

You guys have come to expect from us, razor sharp irony on the current state of affairs, so much so, that we have failed to deliver it to time and time again. But we try and try again, and today we are destined to fail again.

I give you the zero value banknote. Apparently it is so successful they cant stop printing the damn things. What’s the usage you ask. Well you use it to pay for bribes. ha ha ha. (funny i know, but it works).

Genius.

Ironic

noreply@blogger.com (Sgt. Floyd Pepper) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:47:00 +0000

Why? Because Piigs don’t Fly!

Just when everything looked gloomy on a day which may go down in history as the “Black Friday” for Southern European markets- until the next one that is- something like this hits the screens to remind us of TGIF!!

Pay special attention to the reference to the website of the US Humane Society describing pigs as “highly intelligent, curious animals who engage in complex tasks and form elaborate social groups.” What an irony…

A Light Bulb Moment

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 09:09:00 +0000

In the long list of innovative business ideas, like our previously covered airline light bulb moments, we can add one more, only this one, is just miles ahead in the stupidity factor.

I could try to jump on parts of this post, like covered hair guarantee or all-in-one fleece sleeper suits but really, this is just too damn easy now…

Enjoy. Discuss.

Grounded Without Allowance

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 11:08:00 +0000

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Apparently Royal Bank of Scotland CEO Stephen Hester told the UK Treasury Select Committee that even his parents believe he is overpaid!!! I am dying to find out whether this remark came as a repsonse to a direct question (e.g. "What did your mother think of your 2008 bonus?" or maybe "Do you think your actions as RBS CEO should get you grounded for the rest of the week?") or little Stevie felt like sharing with the committee the abuse he is getting at home in order to gain some much needed sympathy...
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Let's all try to forget, shall we?

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 08:59:00 +0000

Mayor Guiliani, you beautiful scoundrel you...!!! We all know you and love so dearly, so we all have to assume that this is old age or maybe Alzheimer's that's killing your memory...

Technological Slavery

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 11:45:00 +0000

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As 2009 is finally coming to an end, we are finding ourselves one step closer to the Holy Grail of creating artificial life. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the first racist machine in history!
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We All Have Our Issues (II)

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:54:00 +0000

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Speaking of issues, we can no longer resist commenting on the now infamous Tiger affair(s).

This being the Balcony of course, I will refrain from delving into the saultry, gossipy details of the story and keep it strictly business (I am sure my dear readers, that for this sort of coverage you have other much more insightful sources):

Here is a NY Times story about the hardship Tiger's behavior has caused to at least one member of his (corporate) family.

My favorite quotes include the one made by a top advertiser: "The Accenture ads with Tiger finally make sense" (commenting on their "it is tougher than ever to be a Tiger" campaign) , and the one made by the Accenture spokesman "The company’s advertising campaign is about high performance, and Mr. Woods just wasn’t a metaphor for high performance anymore" (which, with the number of girlfriends now running in the dozens, seems a little unfair).

This divorce was swift, abrupt, and costly. Others will surely follow...

P.S. We are now learning that Tiger is the recipient of the "Athlete of the Decade" award, while NYPost has a claim for Headline of the Decade.

We All Have Our Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:37:00 +0000

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It's a well known fact that Bankers around the world are currently facing some of the roughest times in their carrers having to tackle extremely serious issues pertaining to the very survival of their organizations and the protection of their own financial and social status.

Goldman, of course, could not be an exception and here is an excerpt from a NY Times story revealing the cruel severity of issues senior managers there are forced to address at their corporate retreat:

... "Given Goldman’s plans to pay out billions of dollars in bonuses this year, many outsiders might think the bank pays little attention to its public image. In fact, current and former executives say, Goldman is acutely aware of its diminished public standing.

But even people close to Goldman acknowledge that as long as the bank is making a lot of money, public opinion does not matter all that much.

“Their reputation has suffered,” Mr. Levitt said. “So has every other financial institution. And I’d rather suffer the way Goldman suffers.”

Still, Goldman’s tarnished reputation has become a hot topic inside the bank. A few months ago, at a meeting of Goldman’s in-house leadership program, known as the Pine Street Group, the bank’s image came up. The group of 30-odd people wrestled with questions like how to talk to family members about Goldman and its role in the financial world.

Another question that came up was what to do if someone at a cocktail party started criticizing Goldman. Mr. van Praag, who ran the meeting, suggested that the executives should explain how Goldman made its money. But another Goldman executive offered a different answer: change the subject."

I Bet They Were Bernie's Clients Too

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:29:00 +0000

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A. Einstein once famously said "only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former"...

The logical inference from this statement is of course that there is no limit to the potential returns from taking advantage of human stupidity.
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Great Misunderstanding

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 09:25:00 +0000

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GM CEO Fritz Henderson resigned yesterday after the Board concluded that he hadn’t done enough to fix GM’s finances and culture.
We find this development thoroughly unfair and deeply disturbing as it was clear from Day 1 that "fixing the company's finances and culture" was not part of what he thought his job description entailed as my Dear Waldorf had pointed out early on.
It appears though that the Board's thinking was slightly different and therefore decided to fire him using a fair amount of force, will, and leverage...
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Award Season

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 10:44:00 +0000

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With such intense competition and new candidates emerging daily, coming up with my nomination for the 2009 Sleeziest Scambag Banker Award was clearly not an easy call. After careful deliberation though, I am finally ready...
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He IS the MAN!

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 13:50:00 +0000

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After months of lies and defamation, this evil woman finally decides to tell the truth. Millions of Sylvio devotees feel vindicated. We knew all along that after all this he would still be the... Last Man Standing.
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Oops!

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:50:00 +0000

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A Belgian car crash victim who was misdiagnosed as being in a vegetative state for 23 years was conscious the whole time, it has emerged.

Actual quotes from the victim:
"I notice a big difference now I'm back in contact with the world."

and from the Doctor:
"Misdiagnosis can lead to grave consequences, especially in end-of-life decision-making."

I wonder what the Onion guys will be up to next now that their site is officially out of business...
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Curiouser and Curiouser

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:58:00 +0000

In a Ponzidom far far away, there lived a King who amassed a great fortune, to the tune of 64 billion, by defrauding his loyal subjects. Then the great civil war started and the king was dethroned and thrown into jail and the accountants took control of the land and started to calculate the King’s fortune to divide it back to the people. Only they made a fatal mistake in calculating the fraud based on a newfound accounting theory which showed the loses to be 21 billion. Soon the people revolted again, but this time they took the heads of the chief accountant, who was soon charged of operating a reverse Ponzi. And they lived happily ever after. OK boys, it’s late now, go to sleep.

“The sum of all of those individual account balances was more than $64 billion. By contrast, Mr. Picard has said that the eligible losses in the fraud, by his formula, total just over $21 billion”

Walking in the Rain

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:12:00 +0000

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I am sure you are all aware of Rule #1 of the famous 28 Rules of Manhood.

Well it looks like some people managed to get quite far in life withous ever getting the memo (you would think they could afford a second one, wouldn't you?)
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The Right Man for the Position

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:45:00 +0000

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Herman Van Rompuy was appointed today the new EU President. Mr. Van Rompuy is the Prime Minister of Belgium, while prior to that, under the alias Montgomery Burns, he was the owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. His vast experience in handling countless disasters (nuclear, environmental, social, etc.) will surely serve him well in his new position.

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Tanorama

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:45:00 +0000

Here’s a little post to help you through the oncoming winter…pale is the new tan

Death by Texting

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:55:00 +0000

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As Mark Twain would put it, the rumors of her death have been somewhat exaggerated...
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Generation Text

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:06:00 +0000

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I was thinking about hashtagging the following:
"He wouldn't stop sexting me so I had to unfriend him a long time ago. He pretends to be funemployed these days, but I hear he basically lives on freemiums, and remains as intexticated as ever."
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It’s obvious really

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:45:00 +0000

I mean of course they would be disappointed. After all, Italian women are pretty much used to partying like Il Cavaliere is in the house, where the only documents they have to sign are non disclosure agreements for the day after…

Sexual Healing

noreply@blogger.com (Sgt. Floyd Pepper) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:25:00 +0000

Guys, i think it’s about time we spiced things up a notch…

Bible's Bookrunners

noreply@blogger.com (Statler) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:43:00 +0000

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Last April we presented you, our dear Readers, the modern day Apostoles of the global investment banking with their gospel-like financial statements (that we have to believe in without questioning), and their miraculous ability to repay billions of bail-out money hours after they received it in order to collect their bonuses (1, 2).

We thought the message was clear but (this being the very early stage of the Balcony phenomenom) unfortunately it did not quite reach the masses, thus forcing Goldman's CEO to spell it out for the (presumably wider) Sunday Times' audience.

Well, once again you know where you heard it first...
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Homer Simpson Day

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:13:00 +0000

In order to celebrate the outrageously funny yet exemplary stupid achievements of Hommo Homerikus Simpsonicus among us, we start a new section in our blog themed by the one and only donut eating pot bellied cartoon character.

This being a new skit, for the pilot we give you a double bill.

Man provides own photo for mug shot.

Man drives stolen car to court, didn't want to miss hearing on car stealing charges.

Doh!

Indirect aid to Wall Street?

noreply@blogger.com (Waldorf) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:03:00 +0000

Hold on. I know that H1N1vaccines are to be distributed to the at-risk members of the public, but who is more at risk than Wall Street. Really. Think about it.