Online Dating Match Maker

Instant Messaging tips for online dating

2011-11-14T23:17:42Z

Instant Messaging is great. You can chat with a number of friends, all at the same time, while doing work, watching TV, or reading on the web.

Admittedly, I honed my online dating chops, chatting with random girls on AOL in the late 90′s. There’s something great about talking in real-time, but still getting to think about what you’re going to say next.

So, since IMing is so great, pretty much every online dating site – including Match.com – has an Instant Messaging feature. It makes perfect sense, right? So, what’s the best way to use this feature to get dates online.

The answer is: There ISN’T a good way to use this feature. Dear god, don’t IM on online dating sites. Or, if you do, do so as an experiment, knowing that it will very likely backfire on you. Here’s why:

She’s already busy. If your match is hot stuff, she’s probably just logged on and is sorting through dozens of emails, trying to decide which one to reply to. She’s a busy person, and doesn’t have time for interruptions. Guess what? Yeah, you’re interrupting her! Even if you do look like a good match, you’re likely to annoy her.
You don’t know why she isn’t responding. When you send a message, it sits there until the person you sent it to gets a chance to read it. She can read it at her leisure. With some plans, you can even find out when she actually has read the message. With IM, not only are you interrupting her (so if she’s busy, say, folding laundry, she can’t respond), you also have no way of knowing why she isn’t responding. It could be because she’s not interested – it could be because she’s not at her computer.
It weakens your position. Let’s say you send an IM, and she’s busy and has to run, so she just signs off without responding. Now, if you send a follow-up email, you’re starting to look desperate. It will look even worse if she didn’t respond simply because she wasn’t interested.
They just don’t work that well. It’s one thing to be using a dedicated Instant Messaging system like GTalk or AIM, but the IM software used on these sites usually just isn’t that good. Sometimes they’ll say someone is available for IM when they really aren’t, and even if you get a conversation initiated, you’ll likely run into problems with it lagging and generally being extremely slow.

NEVER Use IM in Online Dating?

Okay, there is one. ONE scenario I can think of where IMing is really useful and advisable on an online dating site. Imagine this scenario:

Contact has already been initiated through messaging. Maybe you sent a one-line hook.
You’ve received a response where she is asking you about meeting up, OR, you have sent a follow up and asked her out, and have just received a reply message.
If she happens to still be online, feel free to IM to cover quick details about the date. Maybe you guys haven’t tacked down where to meet or what time to meet.

If you do this, make the conversation really short, and get on your way. Save the chattiness for when you finally meet in person.

Russ’s one big IM pro tip

Remember, when you send a woman a message on Match.com, you don’t always know why she doesn’t respond. One of the reasons could be that she isn’t a paid subscriber. Paid subscribers can’t even read your message. Yeah, it sucks.

But, if you visit her profile and see an “IM Her Now” button – BOOM, you’ve got yourself a paid subscriber. She should be able to read and respond to messages you send her. Messages. Remember, don’t open with an IM unless you really just don’t care!

One caveat is that even if Match says she’s online, and you still don’t see an “IM Her Now” button (it will say “Not on IM Right Now”), that doesn’t mean that she is NOT a subscriber. Many women will turn this feature off. Because it’s annoying. Remember?

‘Tis the Season for Online Dating

2011-06-12T17:53:23Z

The time between Christmas and Valentine’s day is the most active online dating time all year long. This is probably for the following reasons:

The holidays are over: people put off dating, and are fresh from spending the holidays without a boyfriend / girlfriend.
The winter: it’s cold, don’t you want someone to keep you warm?
Rushing to beat the Valentine’s Day deadline – trying to not spend it at some Anti-Valentine’s Day party.

This happens every year, and it’s happening RIGHT NOW!

Now is the time for online dating!

(The summer of 2009 was also a hot time, but I believe that had something to do with the economic downturn.)

So what does this mean? It means if you’ve tried online dating in the past, but gave up, or have been meaning to try online dating, now is a great time to give it a shot. During this time, sites like Match, eHarmony, and OKCupid are being FLOODED with single people.

This means there are cuties on these sites that will. Not. Last. Long. You have to ACT NOW! Sorry to sound like an infomercial, but I can’t stress enough that there is no better time of year to find someone.

Here’s a little tip to catch those hotties while they last: when you search on Match.com, sort the matches by “Newest First.” You can be the first guy to send that cutie a charming one-line hook before she gets scared away. The highest-quality matches get BOMBARDED on online dating sites, and if you can stand out amongst the other guys that can’t form a complete sentence, she’ll be spending the rest of her winter with you.

Remember, if you’ve been meaning to try Match.com, I’ve got a whole bunch of Match.com promo codes, including a Match.com free trial for you. Give it a shot.

ODMM Featured in Men’s Health Magazine

2010-11-17T23:42:47Z

Next time you’re by a newsstand, pick up a copy of the December 2010 Men’s Health Magazine. ODMM and yours truly – Russ Ruggles – is featured in The Algorithm Method, which is on page 120.

The article is a collection of wisdom on online dating, and much of the advice mirrors advice that I have given here on ODMM before. Some highlights:

Make sure you have a great profile photo, and make sure your supporting photos contain something conversation-worthy. They add the advice of using OkCupid’s new MyBestFace application for seeing which of your photos score the best. This is worth a shot, but I’ve found the results to be inconsistent when running the same test multiple times.
Be specific when writing in your profile.
Don’t wink.
Women may not respond for numerous reasons – it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t interested.
Message women who are recently active.
Pick up something from her profile, and send a short message – with a question about that thing.

Some other advice they included that I haven’t talked about, but that you may want to consider:

Update your profile regularly, and you’ll start showing up in more search results. Scott Valdez of Virtual Dating Assistants says this has increased winks fourfold for them.
Don’t shy away from messaging older women – you’ll really increase your odds. This seems tough for me, if you just aren’t attracted to women older than you, but if you are, definitely go for it!

If you can’t pick up a copy, you can check out the whole article here.

Match.com 3-Day Free Trial

2011-06-12T17:54:03Z

Pardon me loyal readers, while I make a public service announcement. I’ve noticed that there are a few people coming into my site that have searched for match 3 day trial, match.com 3 day trial, or 3 day trial match – and so on.If you are one of these people, I just wanted to let you know: match.com actually has a 7-day free trial. This isn’t too good to be true – which is why it’s the most popular match.com promo code. Match’s 7-day free trial offer is just like the 3-day free trial offer – except that it’s much longer. So, instead of getting 3 days to freely send messages to other match members, you get 7 days. You can sign up for the 7-day free trial here.

Of course, there are other match.com promo codes, such as 20% off, and the 6-month guarantee, which you can find here.

If you’re using conversation nuggets and a call-to-action in your profile, and sending a few one-line hooks, you should definitely be able to secure a couple of dates within a 7-day free trial. Good luck!

P.S. I’ll be compensated if you pay match any money through any of these coupons; but as you can tell from all of my articles, I think match is the best dating site out there.

Why You Should Lie in Your Online Dating Profile

2010-05-13T04:42:52Z

Talk to anyone who has dated online, and they will tell you that they encounter lying in dating profiles. Men will lie about their height, and women will do what it takes to appear more slim. It turns out, these people are onto something.

A study by Nicole Ellison of Michigan State University, and her colleagues, found that 9 out of 10 people lie in their dating profile. As expected, men exaggerate their height, and women underreport their weight.

But, the deceptions were usually very small, and – as the study says – “would be hard to detect face-to-face.”

Little lies are common in dating profiles

The upright (y) axis on each of these graphs represents the measured height and weight, respectively, of the participants – the x-axis is what they reported in their online dating profile.

Crossing the Line

Since online dating search features allow users to search only within certain height ranges, and body types, these small lies may actually be helping those who tell them – by helping them cross these thresholds, and meet in physical space. Because it turns out what we think we want, and what we actually go for, don’t always match up.

According to a study at Northwestern University by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel, what we say we value in a partner is a poor predictor of who we’ll actually go for in physical space, which suggests that simply managing to meet a potential match in person may be more important than representing yourself with pinpoint accuracy.

No Knowing What You Want

Eastwick and Finkel invited 163 undergraduate students to a two-hour speed-dating event – having first had them fill out questionaires stating what kind of looks, personality, and earning power they were looking for in a partner. While the gender differences you would expect were evident in the pre-event questionairres (men go for looks, women go for money), those preferences seemed to vanish when it came time to choose a partner in physical space. Eastwick and Finkel followed-up with participants one month after the event to see if any relationships had developed.

We don't know what we want anyway

The left side of this graph shows how participants in the study scored their ideal mate in attractiveness, earning potential, and personality. As expected, men value looks a bit more than women, and women value earning power a bit more than men.

But the relationship between these self-reported scores, and how those attributes predicted whether a relationship would happen with a potential parter (as illustrated by the score on the right side of the graph) is where the surprise comes. It turns out, we have pretty much no clue what we actually want in a partner. As Eli Finkel says, what people think they’re looking for in a partner will “disappear when people meet living, breathing partners.”

Some other interesting findings illustrated by this graph:

Attractiveness is the most important attribute predicting whether two people will get together, followed by personality, and earning power. The strength of these characteristics is pretty much even for both sexes. So, make sure your photos are great.
Men understate their interest in earning power in a partner.
Women understate their interest in attractiveness in a partner, and overstate their interest in earning power in a partner.

Improving Your Odds

So, not only is a little (undetectable) lying in a dating profile common, if it helps you secure a date, you’ll stand a better chance than if you had opted for modesty.

Think about how search works on Match.com for example. Some men will search only for slim/slender women, and many women have height restrictions, filtering their searches to men 5’10″ or taller – sometimes even more. If you’re a 5′ 9 1/2″ man, and try to be modest by putting 5’9″ on your profile, you aren’t doing yourself – or the ladies – any favors. The woman who would turn you down online for being 5’9,” might actually adore you when you meet her in person.

So, while you want to represent yourself well in your profile, and communicate efficiently, securing the date is of utmost importance. And when you search, don’t be too restrictive – you might miss out on someone who was just being modest.

Ask Russ: Someone Winked at Me – Are They a Match Member?

2010-04-29T18:28:48Z

I got a good question via e-mail today:

I was reading your blog post about eliciting winks from gals on match.com, and also the post pointing out that the majority of people with profiles aren’t actually members. So my question is, when you receive a wink 1) how can you tell whether or not they are a member and 2) what is the best method to contact a “winker” if they aren’t a member? Sending an email is pointless because they can’t read it or even know it was sent, so how to proceed? I just signed up for Match recently and am still trying to get the hang of everything.

If someone isn’t a member, you pretty much can’t contact them (unless you have the match add-on that allows you to know when a message has been read). Sometimes someone will put clues in their profile on how to contact them, but this is rare (and I don’t advocate this).

But, if you send a message to someone, and you see them re-appear in your “who’s viewed me,” it’s likely they’ve read your message. As you said, if they aren’t a member, they can’t even know that you’ve sent the message, so they are less likely to go back to your profile.

Getting winks is a tricky situation. It’s not uncommon to get a wink from a girl, write a great response message, and hear nothing back from them. I can only guess that this is mostly women who aren’t members.

And, as always, guys don’t wink.

Don’t Talk About Yourself

2010-04-29T18:29:03Z

One of the most common complaints I hear from women about guys they date is that they talk about themselves too much. To see this phenomenon in action, watch any episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. It’s natural to want to talk about yourself. After all, what in this world is more important to you than…you? But, talking about yourself won’t get you too far in the dating world.

This is why I advise you to send a short, one-question message relating to a conversation nugget in your target’s profile: because as much as you like to talk about yourself, your target probably likes to talk about herself, too. Last time I checked, there’s plenty of competition vying for the hearts of the top-notch women of the world, so it’s all about pleasing them.

But not talking about yourself is boring, right? If it helps, try making a game out of it. See how little you can talk about yourself in your messages back-and-forth with a potential match. Look at every little specific in her profile, examine the photos, look for clues, ask questions. If something applies or relates to you – or she poses a question to you – address it briefly, but dig deeper into the conversation as it relates to her. “Yes and” your way to having your potential match think you’re the most interesting person in the world.

Match.com Promo Codes

2011-06-14T17:33:04Z

If you’ve read all of my online dating tips, you know that I think match.com is the best online dating site out there. They have plenty of members, the communication features you need are there, and its an easy site on which to find a date. Match.com does cost more than the free options out there (Plenytoffish, for example) but I think this means you meet people who are more serious about meeting someone.

So I’ve compiled a few match.com coupons and match.com promo codes for your benefit.

20% off match.com promo code

This match.com promotional code is self explanatory. If you’re serious about using match.com to meet someone, I recommend this one because it saves you money up-front. If you go with a match free trial, you’re likely to end up signing up anyway.

match.com 6-month guarantee promo code

This match.com promotional code is simple: keep your profile (with photo) active for 6 months, and message at least 5 members per month. If after 6-months you still haven’t met someone, you get 6 months free (I’ve had this guarantee granted before). So, if you think you’ll be dating for awhile, or are just very particular, this match.com coupon is pefect.

match.com 7-day free trial promo code

I’ve told you about this match.com free trial before. If you aren’t sure you’re going to enjoy match.com, or this promo code may be for you. If you send good opening messages, 7-days is plenty of time to get a few dates set up.

I hope you get some use out of these match coupons. I think you can only use one at a time, so choose wisely. The 20% off match.com promo code will definitely save you more money up-front, but it all depends on what’s important to you.

If, for some reason, you decide that match.com isn’t working for you, you might want to try some Chemistry.com coupons. They have a personality-based matching system that you really might like. I also have some great Perfectmatch coupons for you, as well. They use their very own Duet® matching system.

Why You Should Log into Match Every Day

2010-04-29T18:29:15Z

Because smart folks know that you have a better chance of getting a response if you message members who are active in the past 24 hours. So, they sort by “Activity Date” (just like you hopefully do when you do the who’s viewed me shuffle). So, if you show up as “active within 24 hours,” you’re more likely to show up in other member’s search results, and more likely to get messages and get winks.

Ask Russ: Time or Day of Online Dating Messages?

2010-04-29T18:29:28Z

An interesting e-mail question I got about time of day you send your online dating messages:

Does the time you email someone matter? Currently I make it a
rule not to respond to or send emails over the weekend (Friday night
until Sunday night). Does the time I send the email matter?

I think that it does make a bit of a difference, but I don’t worry about it too much. Not e-mailing on the weekend is an interesting strategy – I know professional marketers try to send out e-mail blasts on Tuesday mornings – I would think that with online dating it would be different though. People may be reluctant to visit online dating sites while at work, so weekends might actually be good. Weekend e-mails are probably better when the weather isn’t so nice (such as in winter).

Overall, I would say don’t worry about it. Time or day of e-mail isn’t nearly as important as quality. Send good opening messages, and keep the conversation interesting. If there ever was a time to send a message, it would be while your target is online. Don’t IM though – it’s very dangerous territory!