Online Dating Match Maker

eHarmony Review

2012-05-01T00:13:11Z

This post is one of a series of online dating site reviews I have planned for some of the best online dating sites. Since we just recently started offering eHarmony discount promotional codes, I thought it would be great to start with eHarmony. A few main points about eHarmony:

eHarmony matches you on 29 different dimensions, ranging from curiosity and emotional energy to sexual passion and appearance. It takes about 40 minutes to take the initial survey and get started on the site.
Matches are delivered to you in batches so that you have about 10 different matches to review at any one time. There is no search function on the site because eHarmony only delivers compatible matches to you. Once you’ve reached your limit of active matches, you have to “archive” matches you aren’t interested in to get more matches.
eHarmony uses a “guided communication” process, which consists of matches sending each other multiple choice questions, and building up through several stages to “open communication”
There are some features that allow you to bypass some of eHarmony’s controlled process, such as “What If?,” which allows you to sort through matches, one-by-one, that eHarmony didn’t quite match you with. You can also request to bypass the “guided communication” process and send a message directly to a match.
eHarmony is the most expensive of the popular dating sites. A single month costs about $59.99, with considerable discounts for multiple-month packages. eHarmony discount coupons are sometimes available. You can try eHarmony for free, but you won’t be able to view the photos of your matches, or communicate with them.
eHarmony attracts an older, more conservative, more marriage-minded crowd.

Is eHarmony for you?

If you’re someone who is dead-set on finding a serious relationship – that will hopefully lead to marriage – then eHarmony is probably the best online dating site for you. They’re very serious about matching people up into successful relationships, and it shows. They invest a ton of their time and money into figuring out what makes relationships work, and everything about their service is geared toward finding just the right match for you.

But, if you aren’t that serious about finding the perfect relationship, you’re probably going to get impatient using eHarmony. From signing up to the site, to taking their extensive personality survey, to viewing your first matches takes about 40 minutes! But, the matches that you will see are practically hand-picked just for you. eHarmony analyzes your personality on 29 different dimensions, such as adaptability and intellect, and crunches numbers to find the match that complements you perfectly.

The upside of the seriousness of eHarmony is that the matches you find are also dead-set on finding a relationship that works. You’ll find way more profiles citing that they’re looking for qualities such as “loyalty, dependability, and kindness” than you will find on the standard needle-in-a-haystack sites such as OkCupid and Match, where the emphasis seems to be more about experiential qualities, such as looking for someone to “explore the city with,” or seemingly arbitrary qualities, such as what band someone likes best.

How it works

If you’re on eHarmony, you have to trust and believe in their expertise, or you may get frustrated with the process. You aren’t able to simply search through matches and message them, like on sites such as OkCupid and Match. But, they do keep a queue of matches that they have selected just for you. You can communicate with your matches through the “guided communication” process (building from multiple-choice questions, up to “open communication”). In my experience, this process can take as long as a few weeks, though there is an option available to skip the whole process and just send a message.

Because there’s no search function on eHarmony, you have to be prepared for a few matches that might not be what you would normally go for. They ask you about your preferences for body type and physical appearance, but there is almost no control over the ages of the matches that they send you (they ask you “how important” the age of your match is, but don’t ask you for an age range). So, if you’re the popular-culture standard male who prefers slimmer and younger women, you may be surprised as you get a few older and larger women. But, they have been chosen to complement your personality, so you might find it worthwhile to give them strong consideration anyway.

But, eHarmony continues to innovate and improve their features over the years. For example, they now allow you to connect your profile to Facebook (check your Facebook privacy settings while you do this, if it concerns you), and see if you have any friends in common with other potential matches that have connected their profiles. Additionally, you can send a match to a Facebook friend using “Ping a friend,” so they can give you the thumbs-up.

Here’s a little video review of how eHarmony works:

The price

If all of this wasn’t enough to weed-out the aloof, eHarmony is also the most expensive of the best online dating sites. One month of eHarmony is nearly $60, compared to a month of Match.com – which is a little less than $40, or OkCupid, which is pretty much free. There are, of course, eHarmony discount promotional codes available, and sometimes eHarmony has “free communication weekends” usually on a holiday weekend such as Memorial Day or Labor Day.

The verdict

There’s no question that eHarmony is one of the best online dating sites – I wouldn’t even be writing about it otherwise. But, it definitely doesn’t have a standard approach. If you’re really serious about finding a serious relationship – with enough patience and commitment – eHarmony is the perfect place for you to find it.

Dating Deadlines Get Dates

2012-04-26T17:45:29Z

If you’re anything like me, you know that there’s little more motivating than having a deadline looming on the horizon. Suddenly you can think more creatively. Suddenly the project becomes a priority. Suddenly you are finally taking action.

Heck, I know I procrastinate just so deadlines get closer.

Marketers use this psychology to their advantage all of the time. Ever heard “offer expires soon,” “supplies are limited,” or “act now?” In Robert Cialdini’s book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion he calls this “The Scarcity Principle.” Deadlines make things scarce, and it causes us to act.

So, I have an online dating tip for you that can help you use this strong psychology to your advantage. Use deadlines to get your matches to act.

The First-Date Deadline

If you’ve done any amount of dating, you have had this scenario happen to you:

Sunday: You’ve already sent a girl great opening online dating message, and gotten a response. You send a follow-up to ask her out. “Hey, want to have a drink on Wednesday night?” If you’re smart, you’re more specific than that when asking her out. You don’t get a response that day.
Monday: Still no response.
Tuesday: Your buddy says “hey, I have tickets to a great concert on Wednesday. Want to join me?” Since you already have tentative plans, and also because you aren’t a dickhead, you tell him you already have tentative plans.
Wednesday: You get a message from the girl. “Oh, hey, sorry, I can’t do drinks with you tonight. A friend is in town, and I’m having dinner with her. How about next week?” You then ask your buddy about those concert tickets, but he’s already found someone to go with him. You spend the rest of your evening catching up on your Netflix queue and masturbating.

Okay, so maybe it’s a little rude that the girl didn’t tell you about her Wednesday night plans beforehand. But, you have to live with that. People aren’t always going to act according to your code of conduct. Besides – aside from her personal life outside of online dating – she’s probably swimming in messages, and it’s not so easy to keep tabs on every date request. (But, be wary – unless she’s apologized genuinely, she’s either impolite, or not into you)

But the fact is, her not responding has screwed up your schedule for the week. You missed out on an opportunity to hang out with a friend. Not to mention that evening could have also been used to go on a date with a different potential match. You end up holding the short end of…well…holding your dick.

That’s why – for your sanity – I recommend including a sort of a “deadline” in your date request. It might go something like this:

Hey Sarah,

[Stuff relevant to the conversation thread, etc.]

Well, it’s clear that we could definitely hold a conversation over a drink or two :) Would you like to have a drink Wednesday night at 8pm? Since you live on Wicker Park, how about Nick’s Beer Garden? Alternatively, I can do Thursday night at the same time. I’ll keep these times open until 3pm tomorrow, [emphasis added] so let me know. I’d love to hear more about [conversation nugget], [conversation nugget], and [conversation nugget].

I’m really looking forward to meeting you, Sarah.

Best,Russ

WHAT! NO YOU DI’N'T. Yes, you did. It may sound a little hard-edged, but if she has any manners, she will understand. You can’t be expected to twiddle your thumbs all week waiting for a response, and pass up other potential plans.

This “deadline” not only demonstrates that you are not a loser, and that you have an active enough social calendar that you can’t be leaving your evenings open willy-nilly; but also that you’re a considerate person with good communication skills.

You’re already giving her a few days notice, two different nights as options, and offering to come to her neighborhood (all per best practices), so the least she can do is get back to you in a reasonable amount of time. You’re covering all of the possible bases with this message. And, with her having so many messages to sort through, she’ll appreciate that.

Not only will this help you keep your social calendar filled optimally, much like that deadline you have at work, this deadline will get her to act and make a decision.

The Profile Deadline

You’re trolling Match.com, waiting for a buddy to pick you up for a night on the town, and you come across a great match. She’s good-looking, she can spell and use proper punctuation, and she’s smart. Just then, you hear your friend’s car honk. You don’t have time to come up with a good message, so you add her to your “favorites,” and run out the door.

Then, some time passes, you don’t get around to messaging her, next thing you know, she’s not on the site any more.

Wouldn’t it have been nice to know that she was about to disappear?

You might think that she left the site because she found someone, but this isn’t always the case. I would even say that – if she’s really that high-quality match – it probably isn’t the case. She probably got bombarded with so many half-assed or desperate messages that she got frustrated and left the site.

She could have gotten a message from you. Since you have a great profile, know how to write a good message, and can keep a good conversation going, her experience could have been different.

From time-to-time, you might decide to take a break from online dating, too. Maybe you’re getting burned out. Maybe you’ve decided to spend more time with friends and family. Or, maybe your membership is just about to run out, and you don’t plan to renew.

That’s why – before you go canceling your account – you should put up a little “deadline” message in your profile a few days to a week in advance. It could be like this:

Hey there, just so you know: my membership is expiring on January 31st, and I don’t plan to renew. So, I’m a limited-time offer. ACT NOW ;)

I tried this once on OkCupid, and got a message within 5 minutes from a girl directly asking me if I wanted to meet up for a drink. Which brings us to the hidden benefit besides just making a deadline: this is editing your profile, which tends to bump you up in search results.

So, if you keep in mind “The Scarcity Principle,” and make deadlines, you can keep your online dating moving forward.

eHarmony Discount Promo and Coupon Codes

2012-05-01T00:25:53Z

20% off 6 months of eHarmony »

Use the promotional code EHCODE

My good friend, Gabe, and I are as different as can be. He’s a steady 9-5 engineer, and I’m an erratic entrepreneur type. He loves to watch sports, I don’t care at all. He prefers to own a house, and I prefer to rent and be able to move around as I please.

So it’s no surprise that he and I use different online dating sites. If you’ve been reading my advice, you know that I mention Match.com a lot. I like Match.com because I can sort through matches based upon looks, make sure we have a few things in common, and cut to the chase.

But my friend Gabe is much more practical than I am; and he is an eHarmony guy, through and through. He likes eHarmony because, rather than being set up to make you take looks into account so easily, eHarmony looks at your personality to find the matches that will complement you. They take into account 29 different dimensions. Things like curiosity, emotional energy, adaptability, and intellect.

The way I picture it, they have a team of mad scientists that spend the whole day analyzing successful relationships and crunching numbers to find the perfect personality combinations for successful, lasting relationships. Plus, they still take into account the ever-important qualities of sexual passion and appearance.

It must be working, because my friend Gabe has had great success on eHarmony. He’s had two long-term relationships from it, and he called me the other day to tell me about the latest girl he met:

“Russ, this girl is better than any girl I’ve ever dated in my life, like, times 100!“

Knowing Gabe, he probably actually has an equation to quantify this, and it’s not an exaggeration. This could very likely be The One. According to Gabe, not only is she beautiful, but she’s active, and likes doing all of the same things he does. In fact, they just went on a trip to Hawaii, full of island hopping, kayaking, hiking, fishing, you name it – and he said it went great. For anyone who has ever traveled with a mate, you know it’s the ultimate test of compatibility. Having traveled with Gabe before, I have to say I’m impressed that this girl can keep up.

So, as thrilled as I will be to meet Gabe’s new love interest, I am equally thrilled to announce that ODMM finally has available for you some eHarmony discount coupon codes! If you’re tired of sifting through tons of irrelevant matches, or are just a more practical guy like my friend Gabe, now is your chance to try one of the best online dating sites out there at a big discount.

So, you can get a 20% discount on a 6-month membership by clicking here, and using the promotional code EHCODE.

This offer is good through May 31, 2012, so get started now, so you have someone to enjoy summer with.

Now, pardon me, while I fill out my eHarmony profile. Meanwhile, check out my eHarmony review.

P.S. Much like with my match.com promo codes, I’m an affiliate with eHarmony, so I do get compensated if you use my promo codes. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed enough of my online dating tips to feel that it’s worth it :)

Instant Messaging tips for online dating

2011-11-14T23:17:42Z

Instant Messaging is great. You can chat with a number of friends, all at the same time, while doing work, watching TV, or reading on the web.

Admittedly, I honed my online dating chops, chatting with random girls on AOL in the late 90′s. There’s something great about talking in real-time, but still getting to think about what you’re going to say next.

So, since IMing is so great, pretty much every online dating site – including Match.com – has an Instant Messaging feature. It makes perfect sense, right? So, what’s the best way to use this feature to get dates online.

The answer is: There ISN’T a good way to use this feature. Dear god, don’t IM on online dating sites. Or, if you do, do so as an experiment, knowing that it will very likely backfire on you. Here’s why:

She’s already busy. If your match is hot stuff, she’s probably just logged on and is sorting through dozens of emails, trying to decide which one to reply to. She’s a busy person, and doesn’t have time for interruptions. Guess what? Yeah, you’re interrupting her! Even if you do look like a good match, you’re likely to annoy her.
You don’t know why she isn’t responding. When you send a message, it sits there until the person you sent it to gets a chance to read it. She can read it at her leisure. With some plans, you can even find out when she actually has read the message. With IM, not only are you interrupting her (so if she’s busy, say, folding laundry, she can’t respond), you also have no way of knowing why she isn’t responding. It could be because she’s not interested – it could be because she’s not at her computer.
It weakens your position. Let’s say you send an IM, and she’s busy and has to run, so she just signs off without responding. Now, if you send a follow-up email, you’re starting to look desperate. It will look even worse if she didn’t respond simply because she wasn’t interested.
They just don’t work that well. It’s one thing to be using a dedicated Instant Messaging system like GTalk or AIM, but the IM software used on these sites usually just isn’t that good. Sometimes they’ll say someone is available for IM when they really aren’t, and even if you get a conversation initiated, you’ll likely run into problems with it lagging and generally being extremely slow.

NEVER Use IM in Online Dating?

Okay, there is one. ONE scenario I can think of where IMing is really useful and advisable on an online dating site. Imagine this scenario:

Contact has already been initiated through messaging. Maybe you sent a one-line hook.
You’ve received a response where she is asking you about meeting up, OR, you have sent a follow up and asked her out, and have just received a reply message.
If she happens to still be online, feel free to IM to cover quick details about the date. Maybe you guys haven’t tacked down where to meet or what time to meet.

If you do this, make the conversation really short, and get on your way. Save the chattiness for when you finally meet in person.

Russ’s one big IM pro tip

Remember, when you send a woman a message on Match.com, you don’t always know why she doesn’t respond. One of the reasons could be that she isn’t a paid subscriber. Paid subscribers can’t even read your message. Yeah, it sucks.

But, if you visit her profile and see an “IM Her Now” button – BOOM, you’ve got yourself a paid subscriber. She should be able to read and respond to messages you send her. Messages. Remember, don’t open with an IM unless you really just don’t care!

One caveat is that even if Match says she’s online, and you still don’t see an “IM Her Now” button (it will say “Not on IM Right Now”), that doesn’t mean that she is NOT a subscriber. Many women will turn this feature off. Because it’s annoying. Remember?

‘Tis the Season for Online Dating

2011-06-12T17:53:23Z

The time between Christmas and Valentine’s day is the most active online dating time all year long. This is probably for the following reasons:

The holidays are over: people put off dating, and are fresh from spending the holidays without a boyfriend / girlfriend.
The winter: it’s cold, don’t you want someone to keep you warm?
Rushing to beat the Valentine’s Day deadline – trying to not spend it at some Anti-Valentine’s Day party.

This happens every year, and it’s happening RIGHT NOW!

Now is the time for online dating!

(The summer of 2009 was also a hot time, but I believe that had something to do with the economic downturn.)

So what does this mean? It means if you’ve tried online dating in the past, but gave up, or have been meaning to try online dating, now is a great time to give it a shot. During this time, sites like Match, eHarmony, and OKCupid are being FLOODED with single people.

This means there are cuties on these sites that will. Not. Last. Long. You have to ACT NOW! Sorry to sound like an infomercial, but I can’t stress enough that there is no better time of year to find someone.

Here’s a little tip to catch those hotties while they last: when you search on Match.com, sort the matches by “Newest First.” You can be the first guy to send that cutie a charming one-line hook before she gets scared away. The highest-quality matches get BOMBARDED on online dating sites, and if you can stand out amongst the other guys that can’t form a complete sentence, she’ll be spending the rest of her winter with you.

Remember, if you’ve been meaning to try Match.com, I’ve got a whole bunch of Match.com promo codes, including a Match.com free trial for you. Give it a shot.

ODMM Featured in Men’s Health Magazine

2010-11-17T23:42:47Z

Next time you’re by a newsstand, pick up a copy of the December 2010 Men’s Health Magazine. ODMM and yours truly – Russ Ruggles – is featured in The Algorithm Method, which is on page 120.

The article is a collection of wisdom on online dating, and much of the advice mirrors advice that I have given here on ODMM before. Some highlights:

Make sure you have a great profile photo, and make sure your supporting photos contain something conversation-worthy. They add the advice of using OkCupid’s new MyBestFace application for seeing which of your photos score the best. This is worth a shot, but I’ve found the results to be inconsistent when running the same test multiple times.
Be specific when writing in your profile.
Don’t wink.
Women may not respond for numerous reasons – it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t interested.
Message women who are recently active.
Pick up something from her profile, and send a short message – with a question about that thing.

Some other advice they included that I haven’t talked about, but that you may want to consider:

Update your profile regularly, and you’ll start showing up in more search results. Scott Valdez of Virtual Dating Assistants says this has increased winks fourfold for them.
Don’t shy away from messaging older women – you’ll really increase your odds. This seems tough for me, if you just aren’t attracted to women older than you, but if you are, definitely go for it!

If you can’t pick up a copy, you can check out the whole article here.

Match.com 3-Day Free Trial

2011-06-12T17:54:03Z

Pardon me loyal readers, while I make a public service announcement. I’ve noticed that there are a few people coming into my site that have searched for match 3 day trial, match.com 3 day trial, or 3 day trial match – and so on.If you are one of these people, I just wanted to let you know: match.com actually has a 7-day free trial. This isn’t too good to be true – which is why it’s the most popular match.com promo code. Match’s 7-day free trial offer is just like the 3-day free trial offer – except that it’s much longer. So, instead of getting 3 days to freely send messages to other match members, you get 7 days. You can sign up for the 7-day free trial here.

Of course, there are other match.com promo codes, such as 20% off, and the 6-month guarantee, which you can find here.

If you’re using conversation nuggets and a call-to-action in your profile, and sending a few one-line hooks, you should definitely be able to secure a couple of dates within a 7-day free trial. Good luck!

P.S. I’ll be compensated if you pay match any money through any of these coupons; but as you can tell from all of my articles, I think match is the best dating site out there.

Why You Should Lie in Your Online Dating Profile

2010-05-13T04:42:52Z

Talk to anyone who has dated online, and they will tell you that they encounter lying in dating profiles. Men will lie about their height, and women will do what it takes to appear more slim. It turns out, these people are onto something.

A study by Nicole Ellison of Michigan State University, and her colleagues, found that 9 out of 10 people lie in their dating profile. As expected, men exaggerate their height, and women underreport their weight.

But, the deceptions were usually very small, and – as the study says – “would be hard to detect face-to-face.”

Little lies are common in dating profiles

The upright (y) axis on each of these graphs represents the measured height and weight, respectively, of the participants – the x-axis is what they reported in their online dating profile.

Crossing the Line

Since online dating search features allow users to search only within certain height ranges, and body types, these small lies may actually be helping those who tell them – by helping them cross these thresholds, and meet in physical space. Because it turns out what we think we want, and what we actually go for, don’t always match up.

According to a study at Northwestern University by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel, what we say we value in a partner is a poor predictor of who we’ll actually go for in physical space, which suggests that simply managing to meet a potential match in person may be more important than representing yourself with pinpoint accuracy.

No Knowing What You Want

Eastwick and Finkel invited 163 undergraduate students to a two-hour speed-dating event – having first had them fill out questionaires stating what kind of looks, personality, and earning power they were looking for in a partner. While the gender differences you would expect were evident in the pre-event questionairres (men go for looks, women go for money), those preferences seemed to vanish when it came time to choose a partner in physical space. Eastwick and Finkel followed-up with participants one month after the event to see if any relationships had developed.

We don't know what we want anyway

The left side of this graph shows how participants in the study scored their ideal mate in attractiveness, earning potential, and personality. As expected, men value looks a bit more than women, and women value earning power a bit more than men.

But the relationship between these self-reported scores, and how those attributes predicted whether a relationship would happen with a potential parter (as illustrated by the score on the right side of the graph) is where the surprise comes. It turns out, we have pretty much no clue what we actually want in a partner. As Eli Finkel says, what people think they’re looking for in a partner will “disappear when people meet living, breathing partners.”

Some other interesting findings illustrated by this graph:

Attractiveness is the most important attribute predicting whether two people will get together, followed by personality, and earning power. The strength of these characteristics is pretty much even for both sexes. So, make sure your photos are great.
Men understate their interest in earning power in a partner.
Women understate their interest in attractiveness in a partner, and overstate their interest in earning power in a partner.

Improving Your Odds

So, not only is a little (undetectable) lying in a dating profile common, if it helps you secure a date, you’ll stand a better chance than if you had opted for modesty.

Think about how search works on Match.com for example. Some men will search only for slim/slender women, and many women have height restrictions, filtering their searches to men 5’10″ or taller – sometimes even more. If you’re a 5′ 9 1/2″ man, and try to be modest by putting 5’9″ on your profile, you aren’t doing yourself – or the ladies – any favors. The woman who would turn you down online for being 5’9,” might actually adore you when you meet her in person.

So, while you want to represent yourself well in your profile, and communicate efficiently, securing the date is of utmost importance. And when you search, don’t be too restrictive – you might miss out on someone who was just being modest.

Ask Russ: Someone Winked at Me – Are They a Match Member?

2010-04-29T18:28:48Z

I got a good question via e-mail today:

I was reading your blog post about eliciting winks from gals on match.com, and also the post pointing out that the majority of people with profiles aren’t actually members. So my question is, when you receive a wink 1) how can you tell whether or not they are a member and 2) what is the best method to contact a “winker” if they aren’t a member? Sending an email is pointless because they can’t read it or even know it was sent, so how to proceed? I just signed up for Match recently and am still trying to get the hang of everything.

If someone isn’t a member, you pretty much can’t contact them (unless you have the match add-on that allows you to know when a message has been read). Sometimes someone will put clues in their profile on how to contact them, but this is rare (and I don’t advocate this).

But, if you send a message to someone, and you see them re-appear in your “who’s viewed me,” it’s likely they’ve read your message. As you said, if they aren’t a member, they can’t even know that you’ve sent the message, so they are less likely to go back to your profile.

Getting winks is a tricky situation. It’s not uncommon to get a wink from a girl, write a great response message, and hear nothing back from them. I can only guess that this is mostly women who aren’t members.

And, as always, guys don’t wink.

Don’t Talk About Yourself

2010-04-29T18:29:03Z

One of the most common complaints I hear from women about guys they date is that they talk about themselves too much. To see this phenomenon in action, watch any episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. It’s natural to want to talk about yourself. After all, what in this world is more important to you than…you? But, talking about yourself won’t get you too far in the dating world.

This is why I advise you to send a short, one-question message relating to a conversation nugget in your target’s profile: because as much as you like to talk about yourself, your target probably likes to talk about herself, too. Last time I checked, there’s plenty of competition vying for the hearts of the top-notch women of the world, so it’s all about pleasing them.

But not talking about yourself is boring, right? If it helps, try making a game out of it. See how little you can talk about yourself in your messages back-and-forth with a potential match. Look at every little specific in her profile, examine the photos, look for clues, ask questions. If something applies or relates to you – or she poses a question to you – address it briefly, but dig deeper into the conversation as it relates to her. “Yes and” your way to having your potential match think you’re the most interesting person in the world.