Online Dating Match Maker

Ask Russ: Someone Winked at Me – Are They a Match Member?

2010-03-05T22:56:20Z

I got a good question via e-mail today:

I was reading your blog post about eliciting winks from gals on match.com, and also the post pointing out that the majority of people with profiles aren’t actually members. So my question is, when you receive a wink 1) how can you tell whether or not they are a member and 2) what is the best method to contact a “winker” if they aren’t a member? Sending an email is pointless because they can’t read it or even know it was sent, so how to proceed? I just signed up for Match recently and am still trying to get the hang of everything.

If someone isn’t a member, you pretty much can’t contact them (unless you have the match add-on that allows you to know when a message has been read). Sometimes someone will put clues in their profile on how to contact them, but this is rare (and I don’t advocate this).

But, if you send a message to someone, and you see them re-appear in your “who’s viewed me,” it’s likely they’ve read your message. As you said, if they aren’t a member, they can’t even know that you’ve sent the message, so they are less likely to go back to your profile.

Getting winks is a tricky situation. It’s not uncommon to get a wink from a girl, write a great response message, and hear nothing back from them. I can only guess that this is mostly women who aren’t members.

And, as always, guys don’t wink.

Don’t Talk About Yourself

2010-03-04T07:11:00Z

One of the most common complaints I hear from women about guys they date is that they talk about themselves too much. To see this phenomenon in action, watch any episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. It’s natural to want to talk about yourself. After all, what in this world is more important to you than…you? But, talking about yourself won’t get you too far in the dating world.

This is why I advise you to send a short, one-question message relating to a conversation nugget in your target’s profile: because as much as you like to talk about yourself, your target probably likes to talk about herself, too. Last time I checked, there’s plenty of competition vying for the hearts of the top-notch women of the world, so it’s all about pleasing them.

But not talking about yourself is boring, right? If it helps, try making a game out of it. See how little you can talk about yourself in your messages back-and-forth with a potential match. Look at every little specific in her profile, examine the photos, look for clues, ask questions. If something applies or relates to you – or she poses a question to you – address it briefly, but dig deeper into the conversation as it relates to her. “Yes and” your way to having your potential match think you’re the most interesting person in the world.

Why You Should Log into Match Every Day

2010-02-26T22:20:18Z

Because smart folks know that you have a better chance of getting a response if you message members who are active in the past 24 hours. So, they sort by “Activity Date” (just like you hopefully do when you do the who’s viewed me shuffle). So, if you show up as “active within 24 hours,” you’re more likely to show up in other member’s search results, and more likely to get messages and get winks.

Ask Russ: Time or Day of Online Dating Messages?

2010-02-20T21:18:18Z

An interesting e-mail question I got about time of day you send your online dating messages:

Does the time you email someone matter? Currently I make it a
rule not to respond to or send emails over the weekend (Friday night
until Sunday night). Does the time I send the email matter?

I think that it does make a bit of a difference, but I don’t worry about it too much. Not e-mailing on the weekend is an interesting strategy – I know professional marketers try to send out e-mail blasts on Tuesday mornings – I would think that with online dating it would be different though. People may be reluctant to visit online dating sites while at work, so weekends might actually be good. Weekend e-mails are probably better when the weather isn’t so nice (such as in winter).

Overall, I would say don’t worry about it. Time or day of e-mail isn’t nearly as important as quality. Send good opening messages, and keep the conversation interesting. If there ever was a time to send a message, it would be while your target is online. Don’t IM though – it’s very dangerous territory!

Match.com’s VIP Mail, and Why You Shouldn’t Use It

2010-02-19T04:14:23Z

You may have noticed a brand-new feature on Match.com today. It’s called “VIP mail.” Basically, it’s a “special” message that you can only send once per week. The idea being that whomever you send it to will be impressed and flattered.

Funny thing is, when you start composing a VIP mail, they show you some tips on the side for writing a great message, and one of those tips, illustrates exactly why you shouldn’t use this feature.

If you have done your homework, and know how to send a great online dating message using conversation nuggets, you won’t have to send a “limited edition” e-mail to her to show her that you’re interested. You’re already way ahead of the pack.

And isn’t it a bit presumptuous to be that interested in a girl? I mean, even if she knows how to write a great online dating profile, you should have enough great prospects that you still want to meet her in person before you’re expressing this much interest.

So, time will tell, but I don’t see this feature as being important in your online dating arsenal. Stick with the fundamentals. Extra bells and whistles like this are just a distraction.

Match.com Coupons

2010-02-19T03:49:13Z

If you’ve read my online dating advice, you know that I think match.com is the best online dating site out there. They have tons of members, and good communication features that make it easy to get to the point and set up a date – where the real chemistry happens. Match.com cost more than free options such as Plentyoffish and Craigslist, but I’ve found the quality of the women I meet on match to be much higher, probably in part to this sort of “weed-out” effect.

So I’ve compiled a few match.com coupons and match.com promo codes for your benefit.

20% off match.com coupon

With this match coupon, you can save well over 20 bucks on a 6-month membership. This promo code is pretty straightforward. If you’re serious about using match.com to meet someone, go with this one.

match.com 6-month guarantee coupon

This match.com coupon is simple: keep your profile (with photo) active for 6 months, and communicate with at least 5 members per month. If after 6-months you still haven’t met someone special, match.com will give you another 6 months free (I’ve had the match.com guarantee granted before). So, if you plan on playing the field for a long time, or are just very particular, this match.com promo code is a great deal.

match.com 7-day free trial coupon

I’ve told you about this match free trial before. If you’re really unsure of whether you’re going to like match.com, or just really cheap ;) this promo code is a great option. With a few well-orchestrated online dating messages, 7-days is plenty of time to get a few dates set up.

I hope you get some use out of these match coupons. I believe you’re only allowed to use one at a time, so choose wisely. The 20% off match.com coupon will definitely save you more money up-front, but it all depends on what’s important to you.

How to find the best women on Match.com

2010-02-19T03:50:14Z

Sort your matches by “Newest First.” High quality women get more attention in real life, and online is far from being an exception.

Keep an eye on this because you can get to her before she gets so bombarded by morons that she gives up on the site entirely. Since you’re a master of Conversation Nuggets and the One-Line Hook, you’ll be the big winner.

P.S. I thought long and hard about whether to share this one with you guys. Don’t tell anyone this tip because then it will be useless!

7 Reasons Your Online Dating Profile Photo Sucks

2009-12-13T18:49:52Z

If you want to have any success in online dating, you’d better have good profile photos. No matter how well you’ve written your online dating profile, having good photos will make sure more matches click through to your profile, give you winks, respond to your messages, and ultimately date you. So, here’s why your photos won’t do those things for you.

Need to eat brains. Because I have none.

You aren’t smiling: It doesn’t matter how attractive you are – you don’t look good in an online dating profile photo if you aren’t smiling. This is your match’s first impression of you, and you want them to feel good when they see you. People tend to mirror the people they see. If you’re smiling, they’ll be smiling. If they’re smiling, they’ll like you. Get it? Also, having a smile is great; but having a genuine smile is even better. Try to find a photo from a time you are really smiling – like at a friend’s wedding, or your birthday party. When you are surrounded by friends and family, your smile will tend to be more genuine, and that shows.
You’re clearly with your ex: So the best photo you can find, is you with your arms around your ex. For the love of god, crop them out. If you don’t know how to do that, find someone who can.
You painted someone’s face out: Just because you shouldn’t put up a photo of you with your ex doesn’t mean that you should just pull out the paint program that came with your computer and paint a black box over their face. This just looks cheap. Crop, crop, crop – or find a different photo.
The lighting sucks: Poor lighting in a photo can make even Adonis look like Quasimodo. As a general rule – avoid harsh lighting: this would be extreme sun that is making you scowl and making your eye sockets look like wells that small children could fall into – or even – gasp – a flash. Yes, flashes generally make photos look like crap. Or rather, they make you look like crap. They make your skin look like a chrome dildo, and they make your eyes look like they belong to The Terminator (the infamous “red eye”). If a photo has these characteristics, is there no hope? Well, there are online dating profile photo touch up services such as ours; but it’s better if you can start with a good photo.
You aren’t wearing a shirt: Guys: chicks don’t want to look at pictures of you posing with your shirt off. Girls: well, if you can get a picture of yourself with your shirt off onto a dating site – it may just be the type of site that will get you what you’re looking for ;) Unless there is a darn good reason that you have your shirt off, just keep it on. It will do more damage than good.
Okay, so it's not in your bathroom. Smartass.

You’ve taken it in your bathroom mirror: You’ve got lots of friends, right? Then why does your profile photo look like a MySpace photo circa October 2005? Get one of those friends to take a photo of you, or use a tripod, or rest the camera on something. You may have to try a few more times to get yourself into frame properly, but it will be worth it.
You’re using “the angles”: Ever run across one of those profiles where the person has a dozen pictures of themselves, but you still can’t tell what they look like? This is probably because they are using the angles. They’ve got photos of themselves from every possible angle except for straight-on, eye level – because then you would be able to see what they look like. Never bother meeting one of these people because it means they are either a) really ugly, b) too insecure to show you what they really look like, or c) both. Also, don’t be one of these people.

So there are the most common blunders that people make when putting up their online dating profile photo. Remember, no matter how well you’ve written your online dating profile, having good photos will make sure more matches click through to your profile, give you winks, respond to your messages, and ultimately date you. If you have a photo that is great, other than a few quality issues, remember that ODMM has a new online dating profile photo touch up.

Zombie photo by zenobia_joy. Mirror photo by sporkist.

Guys like, girls love

2009-12-13T18:49:59Z

I set out to find some patterns in the words people choose in their online dating profiles. The main interesting pattern I found was that women use the word “love” over “like” by a ratio of about 3 to 2. Guys use the word “like” over “love” by a ratio of about 4 to 3. Here’s some nice word art of the raw data (from match.com profiles in Chicago)

Girls like to love

Guys enjoy liking

Of course, it’s no surprise that guys are proving to be less expressive. They take things a step further down the superlative ladder by also using “enjoy” a great deal.

What can you do with this info? Guys, amongst other profile tips, try being more expressive in your profiles. Text is a very dry medium, and you need to really jump off the screen to pique a woman’s interest.

Word art created on Wordle.

Top 10 Mistakes in Online Dating Profiles

2009-12-13T18:50:08Z

I’ve told you plenty about what you should do with your online dating profile; but here’s some don’ts. These mostly apply to the guys, but ladies, watch out for some of this stuff, too.

Talking About Yourself Too Much: It’s your online dating profile, so it stands to reason that it should be all about you, right? Wrong. You are writing this profile for an audience; and to get your audience to pay attention to your profile – you need to connect with them. Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. You don’t have to write your entire profile about your match; but you should have a good portion of your profile written about your match in a positive light (e.g. “you’re the girl with the warm smile that lights up the room, and a spring in your step”). If you do this, your audience will see themselves in your description, and be interested enough in you to make the first move.
Shirtless Pics: This seems pretty obvious to me; but from what I’ve heard from many women dating online that they get sick of seeing pictures of guys with their shirts off. “It doesn’t matter how good your physique is, we don’t want to see you with your shirt off,” writes Lisa, who has been dating on match.com. I think the core behind this is that women dating online get bombarded with enough sexually-charged creepiness. So, unless you can really find a good way to justify having a shirtless pic, it’s best to either leave your bod’ out of it. If you’re really in shape, maybe you can find another way to subtly communicate this, such as a pic of you rock climbing, in which one can conveniently see a little of one of your bulging triceps.
Can haz punctuation & spell-check?

Misspellings & Poor Grammar: This also seems obvious to me; but it gets neglected quite a bit. Run your damn profile through a spell-check if you have to (though most browsers have one built-in these days). Capitalize and use punctuation correctly; and watch out for your/you’re, its/it’s, their/there. Also, it’s been proven that “netspeak” performs poorly in online dating. Run your profile by a friend if you really have trouble with this. Heck, send it to me.
Negativity: You only have a few split-seconds to make a first impression – and you never get a second chance to make a first impression. You want your audience to feel good when they read your profile, and the best way to get this reaction is to speak positively about everything in your profile. Instead of saying you don’t like cats – say you like puppies; instead of saying you don’t want a cheater – say you like a woman who is loyal and reliable. Be positively positive.
Poor Photo Quality: It’s a shame, photos don’t really tell the truth like you think they would. A good photo is rare: a great, genuine smile, good lighting, and crisply in-focus. Poor lighting, bad camera optics, and too much compression or digital zooming can make Adonis look more like Quasimodo; and be a warning sign that you may be hiding something. Get a quality photo main of yourself, even if it means you have to hire a photographer, or get it touched up.
Being Too General: Sure, you love to laugh, you’re up for anything, and you live life to the fullest; but these are all too cliché. Text is a dry medium, and you need to spring off the screen at your audience. Be genuine, individual, and active. Instead, you might “think that if you’re too busy to laugh, you are too busy,” have “unlimited curiosity,” and “strive to make every moment count.” Instead of enjoying skiing, going to yoga, and hanging out with friends, you may “like to hit a few jumps in the terrain park on [your] skis, hit a warrior II in yoga class, and grab a Delerium Tremens at The Map Room with your friends.” You want to be specific, and use conversation nuggets, because they will give your profile life, and worth talking about.
Qualifying Your Presence: You may see plenty of profiles out there where someone talks about how they’re “skeptical, but trying this whole online dating thing out,” or their “friends talked [them] into it.” Don’t follow suit. All you do is make yourself look weak, and insult the very person who is viewing your profile.
A trifecta of bad. Okay, so *we* covered up his face.

Blacking Out People in Photos: If there’s someone in a photo that you don’t want to include, please, please find some tasteful way to crop them out, rather than just painting a big blob over their face. This just looks awkward, and if it’s someone of the opposite sex, your audience will assume it’s your ex (because it probably is). Google “how to crop a photo,” or get a friend to help you if needed.
Talking About Sex: For the guys, remember that women are getting bombarded enough as it is by creepy guys, who are sending even creepier messages. It may be that you’re a bit kinky; but please don’t say so in your profile. It will just give your audience the heebie jeebies. Girls should avoid this, too, because you’ll be getting enough attention as it is – and this probably isn’t the kind that you want.
No Call-to-Action: So she’s seen your great picture, she’s read about how exciting and active you are, she sees herself in your description of an ideal mate, now what? It’s not as simple as it sounds. You want her to contact you. So, tell her, right there at the end of your profile “send me a wink!”, also, throughout your profile, it may be good to have little questions, such as “I’m new to town, are there any good Thai places?” Commanding your audience to take action works time and time again, and this is why every smart marketer uses a call-to-action.

Avoiding these mistakes in your online dating profile can not only help you get active responses to your online dating profile, but can increase your odds of getting a response when you do send a message. Good luck!