Finally we have an authoritative answer to the timeless question, “why is the Mona Lisa smiling?”

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Baldur and Loki have been gone to Midgard for several weeks now and Sif is getting impatient. She has given special instructions to Baldur to bring her back some exotic shampoos and conditioners from the earth’s most exclusive hair salons. When the products arrive, it won’t be a moment too soon. She’s got a terrible case of the dreaded Nordic frizz!

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While some clouds still run on diesel, most prefer steam or other forms of hydro power. Alcohol can sometimes cause engine knock, but it makes an excellent backup fuel, and is often the only thing on hand for an emergency repair.

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The first war of the universe. It was a big one. God versus god. Magic versus sword.

The Vanir provoked the Aesir and Odin threw the first spear. After several years of violence, both sides realized they were getting nowhere. So they made peace, swapped delegates, and started killing giants instead of their fellow gods. Freyr and Freyja, two of the most important Norse gods, were sent from Vanaheim to live in Asgard.

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Freyr and Freyja are different from the Aesir gods. That’s because they are Vanir gods from Vanaheim, a land of powerful magic and spectacular natural beauty, sent to Asgard as part of the truce that concluded Universal God War I.

Vanaheim isn’t described in too much detail on the Eddas, which leaves us to wonder what this mysterious place is like exactly. We can safely assume, however, it has absolutely nothing to do with the Mighty Ducks, the Crystal Cathedral, conservative politics, or the Lion King. Oh, what a difference a “V” can make…

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We’ve all got our own ways of relaxing in this world. The gods are no exceptions. Odin blows humans away with lightning bolts. Loki travels the world in search of sleeze. Freya acquires gold and jewelry. Thor drinks Old Sküll beer. And Freyr… why, he just finds a tranquil and highly reflective lake and stares into his own eyes.

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Baldur is not having much fun at Uncle Loki’s “art gallery”. He’s also starting to catch on that Sleezy Pete’s might not be the best place to pick up a canvas for his mead hall. The boy is still a little nervous around the opposite sex, and having a woman crawl towards him growling on all fours is not a very good introduction. Fortunately, as a Viking he realizes that all problems can be solved with the broadsword, and soon he and Loki are off to further misadventures.

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Baldur fails to see the potential in courting women that:

1) Lack strong backs… completely worthless rowing or in the field.

2) Have slender arms… can barely lift a sack of potatoes, much less a Viking broad sword.

3) Possess narrow hips… even if the upper half is well suited for child rearing, how many children can a narrow-hipped woman possibly produce?

Loki sees things a little differently, however.

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Capitalism, Communism, Socialism, Fascism, Liberalism, Conservatism… DRAGONBALLS! Odin needs, nor cares, about such trivial distinctions! There is only one political -ism that rules the Nine Worlds. Odin!

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Baldur can’t understand why the women in Asgard look nothing like those on Midgard.

Loki explains:

The women in Asgard are covered up with so much armor and weaponry that there’s no telling what lies beneath. Those that are willing to depart with their shells are frequently in dire shape from tussles with giants, dragons, and enemy clans. Add to this the generally cold northern climate and you have a prescription for total female disaster.

Yeah, I know this comic is a little sick. Welcome to my twisted brain. At least I know — like the Norse gods — that I won’t have to live with myself forever. Even the afterlife is temporary. This comic is a little misinformed as well. Everyone knows there are plenty of smoking hot Valkyries in Asgard. Unfortunately, I don’t currently have the illustration skills to create them for the electronic pages of Odin and Friends!

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