According to the New York Times’ Frugal Traveler blog, At 92YTribeca in Manhattan, Foursquare check-ins get half-off a second glass of wine; at Leaf, in Austin, Tex., the mayor gets a free brownie; and at Mojo Old Bank, in Wellington, New Zealand, you get a free coffee drink with every fifth check-in.

i don’t actually want anything other than recognition.  basically, i want a crown, a sash, and a golden shopping cart.

for those of you who don’t know what foursquare is, it is location-based social networking.  some have even called it, “the next twitter,” so it’s just a matter of time until @aplusk becomes the mayor of the entire state of california. the gist of it is this: you go somewhere, you tell people you are there through an app on your phone, and then whoever goes there the most gets awarded the title of mayor.  i am actually fancy enough to have met (or almost met) two of the founders.  i gave harry a tour of boston once, and dens still owes me a date from 5 years ago when we were supposed to link up in nyc but his phone got stolen and he sunk into a deep state of depression and couldn’t leave his crib.  or so the story goes.

back to my golden shopping cart.  Here’s how I envision everything going down:

1. i walk into whole foods and check in on my blackberry.
2. someone at the whole foods customer service desk gets a notification that the mayor has just checked in, and they announce my presence over the loudspeaker.  some regal music should be playing in the background while the announcement is made.  i’m thinking something along the lines of the “king of cartoons” theme from peewee’s playhouse.
3. a staff member comes out to greet me, which includes placing a fresh crown of sprouts and organic flowers on my head, tossing a hemp sash around my torso, and swapping out my crappy black plastic basket with a sparkling golden cart.

i can tell you one thing…if whole foods implemented this policy there would be a lot more people going to whole foods a lot more often to try to snag that mayorship away from me.  i bet even kate-the-great might swap out a few of her kroger runs with whole foods visits if she knew that the mayorship came with a crown, and kate-the-great loves her some kroger.  parsons and i have been trying to oust her as the kroger mayor for weeks now, but she appears to be un-oustable.

i leave you with this: while i don’t expect whole foods to ante up and acknowledge my devotion to them (or the $500 i spend in their store each month), i do wonder why more businesses haven’t hopped aboard the foursquare bandwagon and rewarded their mayors with rewards that would cost virtually nothing.  a crown and a sash is a one time purchase, and would increase business enough to at least pay it off in one day.  announcements over the PA are free and fun.  starbucks could let their mayors cut to the front of the line. skyline chili could give their mayors a 5way for the cost of a 4way.  i can’t imagine one dose onions or cheese really sets them back all that much financially.  moe’s southwest grill and cold stone creamery could have special songs they sing to their mayors.  those two businesses are already in the business of singing and chanting to consumers.  so is 5 guys burgers.  STEP UP, everyone.  embrace social media and grow your business through foursquare.

whole foods in cincinnati, i’m your mayor, my foursquare profile is here, and i am easily recognized by the yeti and moose winter hats i wear, as well as my endless pile of patagonia jackets and bags.  i check in all the time, and i am giving you a major opportunity to delight me here.  also, i will be in austin for sxswi if you want to find me there and reward me with a cherimoya.  i haven’t had a good cherimoya since i moved away from california 2 years ago. . .

while i’m at it, if anyone from whole foods IS reading this post, you should look into taking the pizza recipes you use in your beacon hill (boston) location and rolling them out across the country.  i’m being completely serious.  i strongly recommend that someone at HQ look at pizza sales by store, normalize by store volume, and see if beacon hill doesn’t have the most sales of any location.  the state house pizza there is particularly hypnotic, and while i know you let chefs at each location make up their own recipes, i would be remiss if i didn’t bring this pizza proposition to your attention.

crap, one more thing: the whole food in cincinnati is ALWAYS out of mache rosettes.  again, if you’re out there (and i know that you are since i work in social media for a Fortune 50), please start doubling your orders.  i’m a miserable wreck without my mache, avocado, and grapefruit nightly salad.

who knew?

i can’t find any of my friends with barack on their lists which makes it all the more hilarious to me.  next stop: the white house.

Hello,

I was just wondering if you were interested in a trade, I have an
engagement ring.  I have paperwork for the ring, it is in brand new
condition because it was reshanked (new ring part) and polished and
cleaned.  Ring was purchased from Kay Jeweler and has a lifetime warranty,
originally purchased for 2799.00. (I know this is less than your asking
price)   It has a half carat center and surrounding diamonds make a total
of 1.00 Carat. Would make a great present for someone or engagement ring
for someone.  Please let me know if you are interested.  I might be able to
throw in some cash.  I have attached a picture of the ring.  Thanks for
looking.

sometimes craigslist truly renders me speechless.  this is one of those times.

the great craigslist debate.

shortly after i met nicholas, i was in the market for some furniture.  i found the couches of my dreams (fancy apple green nubby wool ones from softline) for $600/couch or $1,000 for both.  CRAZY GOOD DEAL!  i was debating whether i needed one or two while i was on iChat with nicholas.  while i hemmed and hawed, he asked me the million dollar question.  “how much,” he asked, “are you going to offer him?”

silence.

“what do you mean how much am i going to offer him?  he said he wants $600 for one or $1,000 for both.”

and hence the debate began.

i have used CL to buy and sell stuff since about 2001.  i’ve bought surfboards, chairs, tables, concert tickets, and video games, just to name a few.  i’ve sold mattresses, desks, televisions, tables, couches, and pretty much anything that is so heavy i don’t want to drag it with me when i move.  i had never, in my eight years of craigslisting, asked someone if they would accept less money for their items OR received less money than i asked for.  why would i barter?  there’s a bartering category for that.  why would i assume the prices weren’t firm?  if a price isn’t firm i expect someone to write “obo” after the price.  one time i listed a mattress for $50 and when the person came to pick it up she notified me that she felt bad paying me that little when the mattress was in such good condition.  she slipped me an extra $20 before happily driving away.

nicholas, on the other hand, had never paid “full price” for anything on CL.  when my twin sees a table listed for $75, he sees a table that he can buy for $50. reciprocally, nicholas has never received his full asking price when he sells things.  my twin’s strategy is to list something for a high price (expecting someone to low-ball him), then when it doesn’t sell said thing he proceeds to re-list it with REDUCED written in the title so people think they’re getting a super-sweet deal and will only knock him down a small smidge more.

is it a tale of two cities/states/regions?  do people in the midwest simply approach CL differently than people on the west coast?  my twin thinks that everyone bargains, but that i just habitually list everything too low which is why people don’t bargain with me.  i think he is a craigslist anomaly and habitually lists everything too high (which he admits to doing) resulting in people offering him less.   what is the story?  is bargaining acceptable on CL?  which one of us is in the right?

i would love your thoughts.

incidentally, since moving to ohio i HAVE noticed that people seem to be unwilling to pay my posted prices, which has caused me to up-price everything.  also, with the help of my twin, i bought both of those couches from CL in boston — $750 for the pair! DAMN i love a good bargain…

don’t even try to tell me that you didn’t religiously watch punky on tv when you were younger.  punky brewster, rainbow bright, and blossom were my earliest fashion influences.  i’m not saying that’s a good thing or a bad thing…i’m just saying it’s a thing.

my twin actually knows the punky intro song by heart.  i’m not joking.  as i was embedding the video above, i pressed play, and suddenly nicholas darted into the room and gave me a dramatic musical performance.  meanwhile i pride myself on my punky passion and i found myself thinking that i had never heard the song before in my life.  classic.  he collects music in his brain too.

assuming you love punky as much as i did, today is your LUCKY day.  you can now own your very own 18″ tall piece of 1980’s tv history.  buy her on eBay right here. breast reduction scalpel not included.

my hips crack when i walk, my skin is getting crumpley, and i slept through the last two new year’s eves without feeling any guilt.

in all of my ancientness i’ve come to realize that the old adage about everyone dragging around baggage with them wherever they go is more true than it’s not.  my twin (aka my lovely boyfriend) is no different, but his baggage is of a special sort.  while most people’s baggage includes a vivid assortment of lost loves, childhood traumas, abandonment issues, daddy issues (or potentially mommy issues if you’re a beauty queen), and body image/eating disorder stuff.  my twin’s baggage includes mint condition punky brewster dolls, carly simon LPs, small ET figurines, ceramic hockey player flasks, and ewok villages.

my twin is a collector.

a year and a half into our relationship we decided we had spent entirely too much time on iChat, and i moved from boston to his home city of cincinnati (”the nasti”).

i had no idea that we would be sharing our new flat with his Dark Passenger — the contents of his two storage units.  on the plus side, our house is large enough for each of us to have our own rooms for our sundries.  i keep my sewing and knitting stuff in mine, and he keeps his collections in his.  i don’t ever have to open the door to his formidable past if i don’t want to.  on the minus side, it takes a psychological toll on me just knowing it is there, and it’s starting to bother him too.  who the hell needs a my pet monster stuffed animal with broken plastic chains?  apparently my twin did…for the past 20 years or so.

my twin is a legacy collector.  his dad is a collector, and his dad turned his mom into a collector.  collectively, they raised both of their children as collectors, and now both children struggle with the fact that they’re fully-grown adults with stockpiles of barbies and GI joe dolls.

how many times have i heard:  DON’T TOUCH THOSE GI JOES!  THOSE ARE THE GOOD ONES!

okay, only once, but i nearly peed myself with laughter when i saw how alarmed he looked as i reached for one of the dudes in the tupperware bin.

actually, before i forget, if you’re in the market for a 1970s barbie dreamhouse i can put you into contact with his sister, who is going through a purge period (following her mother telling her that she would no longer be paying for her storage unit, and that she would either have to sell everything, move it to new york, or transfer the unit over onto her own credit card). [UPDATE: SOLD]

to celebrate the new year (and to prepare for the inevitable move to the west coast), my twin and i have joined forces and decided to clean ship. ALL DECKS SHALL BE SWABBED!  ALL TREASURES SHALL BE CAST OUT INTO THE OPEN SEA OF LAND LUBBERS. the only things we are keeping are our gold dubloons and pieces of 8.  and our patagonia.  this includes the patagonia backpack i haven’t worn yet, because i’m saving that one for the day when my current patagonia backpack and messenger bag shit the bed.  hey — a girl needs back-ups…

today we sorted the LPs into keep and sell piles.  it took us 2 hours and 5 allergy attacks, but at the end of it all, we nearly cut the stack in half.  thanks to me, all of the billy joel and paul simon stayed with us.  thanks to my twin, we have every david bowie, queen, and rod stewart LP in existence.  sorry partridge family, but you didn’t meet our stringent standards.  jethro tull also hit the chopping block today, so look for that to hit eBay in the near future.

although we don’t have a specific date set, i think we would both like to see everything gone by easter.  you know…so we have room for peeps, eggs, cellophane grass, and pink jesus magic 8-ball statues.  speaking of pink jesus magic 8 ball statues, my twin has one of those too.  the verdict is still out on whether he will be purging it, and it’s not actually in our house anyhow: pink jesus lives in the closet of his sister’s old room at their mom’s house.

jesus, will i learn to play my banjo this year?

outlook hazy.  try again later.

i’m sure that skeletor would be thoroughly unamused that one of the first items on the collection guillotine is castle grayskull.  click the pic for the CL ad, or make a bid on eBay.

tomorrow someone will swing by the house to pink up one of his pieces of modern furniture that neither of us were fond of, and following that transaction he will post his 18″ punky brewster doll and his joe camel director chair to eBay.

as he posts the stuff, i will blog it, so if you have a soft spot in your wallet for menudo lunch boxes, happy meal toys, ewok villages, or old carole king LPs then check back often.  alternately you could check back often because i promised my sister scariel that i would pick up blogging again.  i can’t promise you anything scandalous since i’m old and boring now, but at the very least you’ll receive laser hair removal updates, photos of my wild midwestern adventures, and progress updates on my knitting and recovering projects.

holy fuck.

next thing you know i’ll be making doilies and baking casseroles.

please pink jesus, let me never pass on a loaf of amish friendship bread while i live here.

it is decidedly so.

day 6: being on a greek island surrounded by french people makes me feel even more like a fish out of water, which i didn’t think was possible; c’est la vie.

day 7: it turns out that there IS something more dreadful and curmudgeonly than border patrol officers on the US/canadian border: local bus drivers in santorini.

day 8: our magazine pile starts shrinking, our photography collection starts growing, and our love of oia holds.

day 9: after climbing up and down 9 or 10 different dead-ending long and narrow sets of stairs, i discover that “you can’t get heeah from theyah” is more of a universal claim than most new englanders think, but we eventually stumble upon our next cave.

day 10: i booked a cave suite with 2 separate private verandas, a jacuzzi, and a sunset view for a reason, and today was that reason.

day 11:  the island dogs are actually up and active at 6am while we wait for our taxi to the port, but we don’t pet them because once I got ringworm from petting a mexican shelter dog with one eyeball.

day 12: nick has a strange rash all over his body, which may or may not be contagious, but since we don’t want to be denied boarding, we keep it on the down low.

day 1: the acropolis is as stunning as you think it is, and spending all night vomiting and diarrheaing greek salad, greek coffee, and baracca is as painful as you think it is.

day 2: there was a restaurant i couldn’t find, a ferry terminal i couldn’t navigate, a changing of the guards ceremony that i didn’t understand, and a wooden bottle opener shaped like a dink that i didn’t buy (yet) because i couldn’t decide whether it was worth the additional euros to get the balls attached.

day 3:the most amazing piece of baklava i have ever tasted was eaten as i watched a woman fish off of her balcony using sandwich crust as bait.

day 4: nick and i zoomed around the island in a 4-wheeler and played on a few beaches in the morning, and in the afternoon we will (1) do additional zooming (2) watch the sunset behind the 4 iconic windmills (3) drink some motion and life (4) pack up for tomorrow’s 10am ferry to paros.

that should catch all of you up.  i will try to post pics later tonight.  i love this place.

nicholas: they’re the same

bliss: they are *not* the same.  well…they might be the same, but in this case i don’t think that they are.  dammit.

[bliss goes to the bathroom and puts away the q-tips]

an hour later, bliss goes back into the bathroom to pee, and is confronted with the following:

bliss (yelling (and laughing)): NIIIICK

nick: i told you i didn’t buy crappy private label q-tips.  gross.  you’re disgusting.  why would i do that?

i love him.  so much.