Noble Mother

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

nobleMama — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 03:30:54 +0000

I’m working this summer from home in the mornings and I did feel so organized and blessed to have a mother’s helper until her schedule changed and I had to come up with Plan B. Plan B is shaky and interesting. It involves my 7 year old keeping my 4 year old busy with crafts and stories and snacks! Today was day one of Plan B.

My daughter was wonderful. She had stories planned, a lovely art activity, … She felt secure in creating her own rhythm for her brother. Unfortunately, the rhythm didn’t feel secure enough for my 4 year old and I could tell that he was overwhelmed by choices and the feeling that I was unavailable, despite my physical presence in the same room.

It’s so common for parents to believe that we are respecting our young children by providing them with choices and freedom and decision-making, when, in fact, the power we are bestowing upon them is such a burden to them, can be the reason for tantrums and defiance, and ultimately, if continued over time, can develop a little one into the family bully or tyrant.

Developmentally, young children under age 7 need us to be the benevolent Kings and Queens of the home. We provide structure and predictability and a solid knowing of what will happen next. It is clear that my little boy needs Plan B to have more structure, more emotional availability from me to him. So tomorrow I will be guiding them both through the morning. “You may have outdoor play for a little while on the trampoline and then it will be time for some drawing inside.” A little structure and guidance will open a window for him to feel more creative later in the morning when he might get bored, and as in those brilliant boredom moments of the past, create a game by himself or with his sister.

I think more parents in our generation believe that our children should have choices throughout the day - about what they want to do and where they want to go. There are times when a small choice is appropriate. However, developmentally, it provides greater security and more cooperation in the child when parents take the lead, act confidently, have clear boundaries, make requests and ensure their child follows-through.

It is so tempting to allow our little ones, with their emotions and their tantrums, to make decisions. It’s amazing how bossy a 4 year old can become and how easily we can let ourselves give into their demands, if we aren’t careful. You must teach a child how you want to be treated. Parent out of knowing what is right, not out of fear of your child’s tantrums.

Just yesterday my daughter was frustrated with her brother and hit him. He said nothing and ran to me, “She hit me!” I told him, “Don’t ever let anyone hit you. Go back to her and tell her, “You may not ever hit me.”"

When my 4 year old gets frustrated with me and starts to yell, “I want to go now!” I recognize that it is my job to teach him how I want to be treated. “You may not yell at me. We don’t talk to each other like that in our family.”

Are you giving your little one too many choices?

Are you teaching him or her how to treat you and others?

Effective benevolent Kings and Queens do not allow their princes and princesses to rule the kingdom. Developmentally, our princes and princesses are happier when we confidently and wisely take the lead.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

Oprah May Be Calling You, Mama…

nobleMama — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 03:14:27 +0000

So, here I am in New Hampshire having a wonderful experience at the Simplicity Parenting Coach Training when I peek at my email messages and find a message from a Harpo Casting Director asking me if I can help her find couples from my on-line community who may want to be counseled by Dr. Laura Berman, a therapist frequently featured on Oprah.

Talk about surprised! So, mamas – if you happen to be from the Chicago or New York area and would like to reconnect with your husband, you may be interested in the following opportunity…

***

Are you struggling with your sex life or relationship?

Dr. Laura Berman, a world-renowned Sex & Relationship Expert, has a brand new show on OWN…and she’s here to help you!

Have you lost the spark in your relationship?

Is intimacy – or lack thereof – a source of conflict between you and your partner?

Are you desperate to reconnect but don’t know where to turn, or don’t have the resources to get the information you need?

Dr. Laura Berman can help!!!

You’ve seen her segments on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” and “The Dr. Oz Show” and heard her great advice on “Oprah Radio” but now Dr. Berman has a brand new TV show, In The Bedroom With Dr. Laura Berman, fully dedicated to helping couples achieve greater intimacy and connection, not to mention better sex!

Dr. Berman understands the juggling act you go through every day and the significance of keeping your sex life a top priority. If you’re struggling with your intimacy, want a better relationship and long for a more fulfilling sex life, Dr. Berman is here to shed some light. Let Dr. Berman show you how to get exactly what you want and need in the bedroom and beyond!

If you live in the Chicago or New York City areas and you want Dr. Berman’s advice, contact us today! Please be sure to include a description of your family and the issues you’re dealing with, along with a recent photo. Couples need not be married but must be committed to making a change and be willing to appear and discuss their private lives on Television, if selected.

We look forward to hearing from YOU!

HarpoCasting.Danielle@gmail.com

https://www.oprah.com/ownshow/plug_form.html?plug_id=4301679

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Oprah May Be Calling You, Mama…

Boys Really Are Different

nobleMama — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 16:08:18 +0000

I’ve been wanting to read Janet Allison’s new book, Boys Alive!: Bring Out Their Best!, for months. Thankfully I got my chance during my journey to New Hampshire and I couldn’t wait to share with you some of the gems from it.

Janet created this book in a coaching style so it really allows you to reflect on your boy through journaling. If you’re struggling with your relationship, or with his behavior, there’s space for you to think more deeply about each.

I love that Janet reminds us that we can’t change our behavior without knowing what we want and how we ultimately envision the home or school life that we want for ourselves and our children. You always need a map or at least a GPS to help get you to your destination!

Some of the amazing gems in this book that will help me communicate more effectively with both my husband and my little boy that will be helpful to you as well…

Eye contact can trigger a flight or fight response in males. We talked about this actually at my Simplicity Parenting training in Seattle. Kim Payne explained that we should encourage the women in our groups to consult with their husbands while taking a walk or sitting side-by-side on the couch.
Use less words. This is such a powerful reminder, especially to us as mothers. We tend to over-explain and describe EVERYTHING in too much detail. Keep it brief and clear.
Speaking with authority without anger is the goal. Janet has some great exercises in the book to help us learn this skill.
Eliminate or decrease screen time. I learned so much from Janet explaining that our boys’ brains are very delicate. We need to treat our boys’ brains as delicately as we, at times, treat girls physically. Screens cause unbelievable havoc on the boy brain, neurologically.
This was my favorite nugget of wisdom…males have a daily testosterone cycle! In the morning they experience a surge of testosterone and they are more likely to be more “aggressive, ambitious and determined, with a feeling of confidence and a competitive edge.” In the afternoon they are “more agreeable to suggestions, less aggressive and less defensive.” And in the evening it rises again but lowers around 8pm. “Oxytocin, the ‘tend and befriend’ hormone, rises and men are more likely to talk about feelings and resolve conflicts…”
Boys express themselves in physical ways and this can be particularly alarming as a mom because physical aggression makes us feel uncomfortable. You can help your little boy by giving him words to express how he feels, “Wow! You love your little brother you just want to squeeze him tight. But look! Squeezing that tight doesn’t feel good to baby Sam. He really loves it when you kiss his hand gently like this.”
It’s so easy for us to communicate with our boys like they are girls – in too much detail and ask too many questions about their feelings. Instead of saying, “how do you feel about that,” we want to ask, “what do you think about that.” Our boys need us to speak with authority, with clear rules, and to consistently follow-through when they are not listening.
When we yell and act aggressively toward our boy, it only releases more cortisol into their bloodstream which increase their stress and more testosterone! Yeah, so they then become more likely to become even more challenging and aggressive.
Guess what? This was mind-blowing and incredibly helpful, Janet…moms, boys “naturally have less oxytocin, which makes them slower to respond to others with empathy. They are also less likely to see how their behavior impacts their relationship with others.” So, you need to say, “Being rough with your baby sister makes her sad and she cries. If you want her to smile and laugh you could stand here and show her this toy she likes to look at, but you have stand back and do it so you can see her face and she can see you.”

I can’t say enough about what a helpful guide this book is for all parents, but particularly for mothers – we will have a lot more success with our boys if we know how to connect with them, understand why they do what they do.

Janet convinced me too that I need to buy Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different – and how to help them become happy and well-balanced men by Steve Biddulph.

It is so supportive to have information like this explained in simple terms so that parents can implement effective ways to handle the challenges they are experiencing and have the confidence to explain what they’re doing to those around them who may not know that consistent, loving, and firm teaching is the best method of discipline.

Thanks Janet Allison for this wonderful workbook for parents of boys!

You can also listen to the podcast of Janet and I discussing her work at

Raising Boys Podcast on Inside Out Mama Blog Talk Radio

Stay tuned! There will, obviously, be another podcast with Janet scheduled soon.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Boys Really Are Different

Raising Children & Sharing Your Gifts With the World? A Lot Depends on Who You Married

nobleMama — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 15:05:28 +0000

Finding our way as mothers is no easy task. The past 7.5 years have been such a journey of discovery for me. In hindsight I would focus solely on my babies without the distraction of also pursuing my passions. Babies and toddlers just don’t stay babies and toddlers forever and creating the family nest for everyone takes energy and time.

I’m grateful that my outside passions didn’t lead me outside of the home, but I do feel compassion for myself as I see how much I struggled in trying to do too much while mothering little ones.

It feels like I’m coming out of a dark haze now with a 4 and 7.5 year old. A dark haze of early motherhood. I’m emerging into a new phase in my own development as they are in theirs. We’ve found community through their school, I’ve found a space in the world to express my deepest passion in supporting families in the work of home life through simplicity parenting, and my husband and I have discovered a beautiful parenting harmony.

In one of my previous posts I was sharing with you my stream of consciousness around how to make it all work and what will I tell my own daughter about motherhood. As things have developed, it is becoming more and more evident that the partner one chooses is critical to the full development of both partners.

Despite my husband’s background of an overwhelmed single mom and barely-there dad, he has an incredible desire to be present with our kids and is a true helpmate to me. While we both appreciate our parenting strengths – I have a gentle, patient, nurturing flexibility in balance with his assertive, self-disciplined, cooperative confidence – there’s a foundational understanding that the realm of the home and parenting are primarily mine. For us, this has been the key to harmony. It doesn’t mean we don’t consult or agree together on things, but there is a generous and trusting spirit that allows me the opportunity to design the family culture with his incredible support and acceptance. The tone of the home, the rhythms, and the celebrations – these responsibilities are my world.

I think his trusting acceptance that the home and children are more of my realm comes from his confidence and belief in his own gifts, skills, and passions that secure his identity. No doubt it helps that we share a common spiritual faith, but in the past 11 years a deep trust of the other has developed as well.

What will I ultimately share with my daughter about motherhood?

Choose a partner for life, wisely.
Find a man whose life decisions exhibit strength of character.
Talk about family life before you get married.

Feminism shouldn’t be about becoming the same as men. It should be about the freedom for both men and women to acknowledge the importance of nurturing children in support of one another in fulfilling our individual work in the world.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Raising Children & Sharing Your Gifts With the World? A Lot Depends on Who You Married

How to Handle the Tears & Tantrums Without a Mommy Meltdown

nobleMama — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 20:48:44 +0000

It’s hot here in North Carolina and my 4 year old has been wearing his flannel pajamas. It was timely to get some summer pajamas on sale. He picked out a short and t-shirt set with sharks on it. It was one of the bright spots in his day; there was a lot going on for him emotionally – may be due to lack of sleep or a build up of stress. Little things were setting him off into tears.

I share a lot of assistance to mamas about yelling, anger, and generally “losing it” because I speak from experience. Tears and tantrums are a hot button for me and I have to be intentional to respond calmly. I’m a mama who likes to feel I’m in control of things – including my children’s emotions. Intellectually I understand that children are not mature emotionally and that they express their stress through tears.

In the past few weeks I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Naomi Aldort’s book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She has a wonderful technique she calls S.A.L.V.E. that help a parent like myself respond effectively to my emotional child.

At bedtime my little guy was psyched to get into his new summer jammies. After his bath he dried off and we pulled up the shorts – but they fell down to his ankles as soon as I let them go around his waist. Uh – Oh. I peeked at the size and instead of a “4″ I see “7.” Not a good thing with a little guy on the edge.

I explained to him that we had gotten the wrong size, knowing that this would send him into tears and upset. I tried to share with him that we would exchange the clothes the next day – but you know how ridiculous that sounds to a 4 year old! So, I practiced Naomi’s S.A.L.V.E. instead as I had all day – it is amazing and wonderful.

S – Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk.

My mind immediately was wanting to put words in my mouth and instead of saying the words, I thought them, allowed them and then recognized them as unhelpful and threw them out as rubbish. I was thinking, “oh no, here we go again. He’s being so unreasonable. How am I going to get him to just move on? I’m so done today.”

A – Attention on your child. When you have silently investigated the conversation inside your head, shift your attention from yourself and your inner monologue to your child.

I looked at my little boy who was so crushed. I held him while he cried.

L – Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more.

We looked at one another and he said, “I want to wear my new jammies!” He said this a few times and I nodded my head and stayed close.

V – Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.

“You wanted to wear your new summer jammies and mommy got the wrong size and now you can’t wear them tonight.” I said this same thing several times in different ways, letting him know that I understood. He cried harder when he realized I understood and, in a way, giving him permission to be upset. But the tears began to subside and within just a few minutes he was calm.

E - Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him.

In this situation, it was best to pull out a t-shirt and some light pants as a replacement for the night. He was calm while he got dressed and said, “mom, can we get the new jammies afterschool tomorrow?” “Yep, I think that will work, buddy.”

The entire jammie scene was about 3-5 minutes. In the past, it may have been a lot worse as I may have tried to reason with him and tell him that I can’t get the jammies right this minute, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t want reason; he just wanted to be allowed to be disappointed and upset that he couldn’t wear them tonight. That’s life and it’s okay to have strong feelings – especially when we have the unconditional love of a parent to be there to support us through it.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

How to Handle the Tears & Tantrums Without a Mommy Meltdown

That Sneaky Summer…

nobleMama — Sat, 29 May 2010 01:07:11 +0000

It’s Saturday already. How did that happen?

It happened between the school days, a first visit of the season to the outdoor pool, additions to the gem collection found in the gravel driveway, high jumps on the trampoline, blown kisses good-night, and the desire to own a baby bearded dragon.

Summer is sneaking up on us, mamas. Soon we will have our homes buzzing with activity all day long with our little ones. I’m thinking creatively about my daily plan. There’s been a shift, a very pleasant and grateful shift for us. With a 7.5 and 4 year old, I’m planning to work in the morning hours as their best time of creative play and independence occurs first thing when the dawn breaks.

We’ll have our lunch and chores and then it will be off to the pool for the afternoon on those long hot North Carolina days and we’ll save visits to the Museum of Life and Science and the Free Bowling coupons for those few and far between rainy afternoons.

My goal is a slow summer.

My mind is still grasping this transition as I blog over at Kim Payne’s site, author of Simplicity Parenting and strive to adjust to maintaining my blog here too. All of my simplicity posts will be written over there and it would be so generous of you to pass the word and help Kim out by making comments on the Power of Less blog. Lots of meaty topics to discuss. I’m looking for volunteer slow parenting guest bloggers. If you’d like a post to appear on the blog at Simplicity Parenting, please contact me.

What is coming up for you as you think about the approaching summer season? Are you worried about these months of free time, are you looking forward to the season?

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

That Sneaky Summer…

What Will You Tell Your Daughter About Motherhood?

nobleMama — Sat, 22 May 2010 02:45:43 +0000

I have had a lot on my mind lately about the state of motherhood. I have to be honest, it is my nature not to want to cause conflict or to challenge anyone’s choices when it comes to something as personal as parenting and mothering.

At the same time I have an inner fire burning in my chest to free women from the unbelievable and ridiculous standard of expectations we’ve heaped upon ourselves. One of the many beautiful gifts I’ve learned from becoming a simplicity parenting group leader is to become more curious rather than confrontational when there’s a difference of opinion, to listen with soft eyes, and to find the intention behind spoken words.

So, with those principles in mind, I invite you to read my stream of consciousness…

I will be first to admit that this mothering gig has been vastly more challenging and humbling than I ever could have imagined. I will also admit that there are many days I would prefer to have lots of time to think, reflect, and sit in the sweetness of silence.

At the same time, I honor motherhood and its personal tests. The journey is stretching me to strengthen my character, my spiritual qualities like no other role has.

Because I do respect mothering, there is an inner desire to fully embrace it, especially now while my youngest is still in preschool. How quaint and retro of me to yearn for full-time homemaking. Really? Are we really so bitter and jaded about gardening, homemade meals, clean spaces, and time for personal connection with our children that this ideal of nourishing our very spirit with these simple rhythms and routines is just too old fashioned?

I think in our quest to be valued that we didn’t fight for the feminine qualities that capture the true greatness of women but instead we fought for the right to be…men. We fought to work outside the home and in the home. Great. Now everyone is working. Men and women. The babies? The babies are being outsourced to the “professionals” or they are at home with us and responded to between work calls and email responses.

There are days when I catch my breath and wonder, “is this what I want?” I sleep to the last minute I can after sometimes, a restless night of scared or ill little ones, to ready everyone for the day ahead. Without a moment of reflection, I pack lunches, tie shoes, and drive the van for the school drop-off. I head home for a quick breakfast, glance at the piles of laundry, papers, toys, and art materials that I have no time to organize or handle because there are posts to write, clients to call – a pressure to earn. There’s guilt about the grocery store trip I need to take or the cat box that needs to be emptied.

But it is the relationships and the deep connections that are sacrificed by living this hurried life as a wanna-be homemaker who strives toward breadwinning and self-fulfillment through career.

Let’s be honest. There is no work-life balance, at least not while mothering children under age 7. Is it necessary for us to be striving to be a mother of little ones, the nest maker, and a breadwinner all at once? Aren’t there enough years to give each experience it’s own time and attention? I am befuddled at our belief that we must be everything to everyone in the same moment.

My thoughts on all of this are still percolating. I feel especially thoughtful when I think about what I want to share with my own daughter about motherhood and what it is and how she might go about it. I want it to be easier for her. I want to create a society for her that actually believes the mother-child bond is unique, sacred, and worth a few years of our undivided attention.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

What Will You Tell Your Daughter About Motherhood?

Latest News at Noblemother!

nobleMama — Thu, 13 May 2010 03:40:55 +0000

There have been some very exciting developments for me as a parent coach, blogger, and entrepreneur in the past few weeks.

As many of you know, I have been super excited about Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne since it’s release in August 2009. So excited, in fact, that I figured out a way to get myself to Bellevue, WA this past February so that I could attend the first group leader and coach training they offered. I couldn’t wait to start supporting my on-line and local parent communities with such incredible parenting guidance.

I have been so blessed to have been asked by Kim John Payne to collaborate with his team at the Center For Social Sustainability and help to further nurture and develop the Simplicity Parenting Movement as Outreach Coordinator and in-house Simplicity Parenting Coach.

Just in case some of you were wondering why things have been a bit quiet over here at noblemother.com – well, I’ve been busy developing ways that more parents can find out how to slow down and connect with their kids by implementing small, do-able changes in their daily lives over there at simplicityparenting.com.

So, I have to be honest, I’m not quite sure yet what this means for noblemother.com. I will be blogging all about what I’ve learned from Kim over there at simplicityparenting.com, moderating the new discussion forum that will be part of Kim’s Circle. Remember the Mama Circle? Kim loves the idea and we’re going to create it over there at his site, it will be referred to as The Circle. We’re in the process of developing the resources and goodies that will be available for Circle participants. I hope you’ll be one of them when it’s ready!

As a result of spending all of my free time (while my kids are in school and my evenings) on Kim’s site, I just feel sad to abandon my vision over here at noblemother. There’s so much I have to say about motherhood and if I’m brave enough to voice it once I get things working like clockwork at simplicityparenting.com, then I just may do that! So, don’t give up on this blog. It may be quieter for a bit, but it will have something to say.

I fully expect to see all of you signed up for the Simplicity News – I’m in charge of Kim’s monthly e-zine. There’s a wealth of information about how to simplify things for your family over there and it’s amazing and beautiful and everything that a mama needs to find more joy and connection with her sweet little ones – so do join us in that corner of the web! Explore his site – I’ve been working hard on it =)

In Simplicity,

Raelee

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Latest News at Noblemother!

Mama, You Deserve A Free Gift!

nobleMama — Mon, 03 May 2010 14:44:45 +0000

In celebration of Mother’s Day, I am offering you the opportunity to receive a copy of Renee Trudeau’s beautiful book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

This book is not only full of incredible wisdom and guidance for moms as they experience motherhood, it is a book you will enjoy touching. The book serves as a companion guide, a journal, and a source of reference. The smooth blue and green cover and the journaling pages inside make it a gorgeous coffee table or bedside book for all new and not-so-new mamas.

To win this free copy that will be snail mailed to the lucky mama, just comment on this post and let me know what self-care ritual you have incorporated into your daily or weekly life with young children. Be sure to mention the ages of your children.

I look so forward to reading how all of you are striving to renew your spirit despite the challenges you might be experiencing with lack of sleep and overwhelm that parenting young children brings.

Need more help making self-care a priority? Join Renee Trudeau for a Free Class this month on Reclaiming Adventure in Your Life – this is part of the Live Inside Out movement Renee started. Visit the link and find out the details about the free class.

If you experience problems in making a comment on this post, make sure you click on the post title on the actual website of noblemother.com

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Mama, You Deserve A Free Gift!

What Mama Needs Vs What Mama Wants

nobleMama — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 14:12:30 +0000

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and it resonates with me still…

On an extended morning walk this week with an intentional mama, I got the chance to think more closely about the idea of wants and needs. As you know, we must constantly strive to balance meeting our own mama needs and the needs of our family on a daily basis. Many moms are infamous for eliminating their own needs from the list in order to meet the high demands of their little ones.

However, in having this discussion, my friend shared that she has discovered that she is actually very good about meeting her needs, but that it is her wants that she denies herself. I thought that was fascinating.

Some of our common mama needs are: eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, maintaining financial security, parenting with intention, nurturing our marriage, etc. For me, striving to meet this list of needs is a task.

For my friend, these things are falling into place, but she feels the lack of simple selfish pleasures – the little things that make life joyful and even exciting and fun.

I have no problem indulging in a night of card-making/scrapbooking or meeting my friends or sisters for a cup of coffee or catching up on my DVR’d Oprah shows or spending an evening talking for 3 hours to a long-distance friend. But I intuitively feel that my needs are being neglected as my wants are fully taken care of.

Certainly there is overlap at times between our list of needs and our list of wants and there’s even some conflict between the two! Case in point: I need sleep but I want to stay up late because it is so wonderful to glow in some time alone.

My coaching question for you is: Are you favoring your needs or your wants right now? Are you finding them in conflict with one another and what is in your way of meeting both?

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

What Mama Needs Vs What Mama Wants