By 2600 BC, in Harappa, we see proof of the first urban civilization: multi-storied brick houses, a sewage system, standardized weights, trade and the ability to write software in an era where the years were counted backwards.

The highly advanced Harappan civilization soon collapsed because they forgot to invent a caste system. This flaw was corrected by the Vedic civilization which was founded by two college dropouts who invented a totally cool language called Sanskrit that was taught by invitation only. The Sanskrit language is perhaps best known for its most famous set of books, the Vedas – all of which start with the immortal phrase – “What happens in the Vedas, stays in the Vedas”.

Those not lucky enough to be invited to learn Sanskrit were desperate to not be left out of the only civilization around for thousands of miles. Hence, they signed a contract to sew clothes by hand for the Sanskrit-speakers. Or so they thought. In reality they had agreed to clean all sewers, by hand, for the next 2000 years – they hadn’t read the contract properly, because it was written in Sanskrit.

(Remnants of the Vedic civilization have been found in modern-day Mumbai, where incredibly, DNA evidence has shown that a local, firebrand, tiger-like politician has an unbroken lineage that can be traced back to the original founders of the Vedic civilization.)

By 500 BC, most of the Vedic civilization had coalesced into four kingdoms – Vatsa, Avanti, Magadha and Kosala – the home of Siddhartha Gautama, who founded Hinduism 2.0, which was later renamed to Buddhism after Gautama was sued for trademark violation by Adi Shankara. To avoid paying the fine, Buddha fled to China where he underwent plastic surgery to look more Chinese, and then proceeded to build a soy sauce empire.

In 326BC, Alexander the Great and his wife Mrs. Great decided to bring western-style democracy to Afghanistan and Pakistan by invading them. However, when they reached India, a visibly agitated and aged Atal Bihari Vajpayee delivered an eloquent speech to protest against the invasion, and then fainted.

Most of the Indian subcontinent was a part of the Mauryan empire by 4BC. The Mauryan empire flourished under the leadership of another illustrious member of the Great family, Ashoka the Great. This started the “Golden Age” of India, which coincided with India’s status as the world’s largest economy. This dominance lasted until 1800 AD, when a team of visiting British economists decided that one rupee was actually worth only 0.0001 pounds, leading to the economic collapse of India and the rise of Infosys.

Meanwhile, Southern India burst on the scene relatively late – in 2009 AD, when millions of Tamilians protested being totally ignored by everyone else on Twitter. To prevent mass unfollows, a team of nineteen historians was hurriedly assembled. They discovered that southern India had actually enjoyed its own golden age under the Pandyas, Cholas, Cheras, Kadambas, Western Gangas, Pallavas, Chalukyas and Jayalalithas. The existence of South India was independently confirmed by several Bollywood producers who had been plagiarizing South Indian films long before the discovery of South India.

Oh, and another thing – the Mughals ruled India from 1526 AD to 1710 AD. This era was known mostly for its stunning culinary improvements. We should have mentioned this fact earlier, but this paragraph was awaiting approval from our editors, who feared beheadings if it was worded incorrectly.

*

Inspired by Dave Barry.

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

A quick refresher of ancient Indian history, in case you forgot what you learnt in school

Possibly related posts:

1. The only piece of real estate in Bangalore that is worth buying “It’s not an apartment, it’s an abode!” Welcome to Gurgling...
2. DLF Cricket Indian Premier League (IPL) 2009 schedule in Google Calendar, ICAL, Outlook Image via Wikipedia Update: This calendar has been updated...

Thank you for the outpouring of sympathy over my death in the recent terror attack. I’m the guy whose remains were never identified, but my car keys were found in the rubble. I wish that I never really died and that I had just decided to drop my car keys in after the bombing – you know, just to stage my disappearance. But no – I’m really dead.

First and most important: I’d like to thank the honorable ministers of Home, Railways, Finance and Refrigeration who personally visited the site. When my sister died in a road accident we got only one phone call – ICICI bank approved her request for a credit limit increase. So, your personal visits really mean so much.

I also want to thank the thousands of security personnel who provided a security cordon that made the whole area really safe. Well, after the attack at least. LOL.

So this other guy who died with me is going on and on, complaining about about how Bono isn’t doing a concert for us. Well, deal with it, buddy – not everyone is fortunate enough to die in a terrorist attack that deserves a relief concert. Besides, considering that I only got RT’ed five times when I was alive, it feels really good to trend on Twitter for a whole day.

I’m so proud to have stayed in my strong and resilient city. The government deserves praise for allowing the people of my city the freedom to experience so many terror attacks in the last few years: it has given us our indomitable spirit. My city will take these attacks in its stride. We’re so much better than those sissy cities where every murder is a big deal.

I want to tell my wife: Honey I told you to learn how to use the home theater remote controls. Now that I’m not around, if you need to switch from TV to DVD, get our neighbor Biren to teach you. But don’t get too friendly – you know how he is.  Oh, and remember – our codeword is Eggplant. If any psychic uses this word, you’ll know it’s me!

Ok, they’re saying my Internet time is up. I have to log off now.

All that remains to be said is: (get it ? “remains” ? ROFL I always wanted to be a standup! Gosh it sucks to be dead.) Thanks for reading this. Well I’m not really thankful, but my mom taught me to be polite. You know, I think it is very rude to kill people. Considering that I got angry at people just for jumping ahead of me in the grocery checkout line, you can imagine how pissed I am at the people who killed me.

Darn, I had so many things lined up. This was such a bad time to die. I never really celebrated Valentine’s day, but this time I thought I’d surprise my wife.

Okay they’re saying if I don’t log off now, they’re going to turn o….

*

RIP

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

A letter from a guy who was killed in a recent terror attack

Possibly related posts:

1. Questions about life that seem important but are actually not: #5: “Why am I here?” The 22nd year of a man’s life is very important...
2. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to doing Namaste Neo suffered from a rare form of “prostrate cancer”, i.e....

“More than you know it I’m aware,
Of this connection that we share.
I know it seems like sometimes I don’t care,
But you are the colors that I wear” – “3 AM”, Poets of the Fall.

“I’m proud to be an Indian ” – Twitterer, January 26th, 2010.

“You were an Indian in America, and now you’re an American in India. Always confused.” – Neo’s Uncle Abhay on Neo, January 26th 2010.

“What time is Lost?” – Neo, moments ago.

*

On Republic Day, Uncle Abhay kept trying to get Neo to enjoy the parade, but Neo was more interested in spending quality time with his Google Reader, podcasts and wine – only two things were “dry” on Republic Day at Neoville: the municipal water supply, and Abhay’s throat because he couldn’t stop talking.

Uncle Abhay finally gave up: “Are you even an Indian? What the hell are you doing in India? Why did you come here? Aren’t you proud of being an Indian?”.

No.

Neo has plenty of time to listen to Raga Marwa, or wait for his turn at the traffic light, but he has no time to waste watching parades, waving the flag of any country, chanting slogans or reading @nevervotes92’s tweets on how he’s proud of being an Indian. Saying that you are proud of being an Indian isn’t much different than saying you’re proud to be born on a Monday – being an Indian is just a fact, not an achievement to be proud of. Would you be less proud if you were born Romanian, or on a Tuesday ? You could say you’re lucky to be an Indian – millions of Bangladeshis would agree.

The ridiculously sloganeered and caricatured shows of patriotism that occur in India (and every other country) on “national holidays” are an insult to the intelligence of its citizens. What happened to the thoughtful, deep India ? When did we choose gaudy weddings over happy marriages, not-stalgia and past glory over reality, rutty careers over our real aspirations, pretentious religious ceremonies over what they actually mean, deep-fried over grilled, elder-worship over thinking for ourselves, the display of money over tastefulness and rote-memorized slogans over an intuitive understanding of civic duty ? You can get a kid to recite “Mera Bharat Mahan” or the sugary-sweet “All Indians are my brother and sisters” until his face is blue, but he’s still not going to stop throwing his fucking candy wrapper on the road until a parent teaches him to.

And have you noticed ? Around the world, the more pathetic the condition of its citizens, the grander and more pretentious are the patriotic celebrations and the forced, fake statements of pride. If the Martians were watching the parades on TV, they’d think North Korea was the leader of the world. The lipstick on a prostitute gets more garishly red as dawn approaches, or as the drugs wear off.

A few of Neo’s family members and friends serve (proudly) in the Indian armed forces. None of them are impressed by the Facebook status updates, tweets and blog posts proclaiming pride for India on national holidays or disasters. This Republic day, Neo’s friend said “We serve in the army so the rest of you motherfuckers can be safe and change India, not so you can sit around forwarding patriotic songs and feel happy.”

How about we replace all the parades, speeches and sloganeering with a simple ceremony that honors the men and women who would run towards a gunshot rather than away from it ? The ceremony can end in a simple wish – “we honor the Indians who died for our country this year, and we hope our enemies will soon have the opportunity to die in very large numbers for their country.”

Hello, and welcome to Neo’s blog. He is Indian, and he’s proud of many things. But he’s not proud to be an Indian. He just is an Indian.

*

PS: You still like parades ? Here’s a parade that will make you proud, or maybe, if you’re like Neo, laugh uncontrollably and then collapse with sadness:

PS2: Are you proud of this blog post? If you are, you shouldn’t be. You didn’t write it.

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Why it is meaningless to say you’re proud to be an Indian

Possibly related posts:

1. What happens in Vegas ends up as a wedding ceremony in Chennai Last week Neo finally reconciled with the friend who...
2. How to stop faking it and start living in the real India Not one to shy away from the occasional delusions of...

“Where’s the restroom?”

“Hi, I’d like to book a pre-paid taxi.”

“Can you take me to Le Meridien?”

“No, thank you. I don’t need an escort for tonight.”

“Wow, you look beautiful. Come on in!”

“Good morning. Your daughter ? Wait, I thought she was the escort!”

“Where are you taking me?”

“What is this priest saying?”

“No! I have a girlfriend in San Jose! Please!”

“It’s not about you, Priya. I find you very attractive. Please don’t cry.”

“Oh god, please don’t stop.”

“So all this time you thought I was asking you if you were taking vitamin pills?”

“Push.”

“I need an admission form for Kindergarten, please.”

“Give me the remote.”

“Just a few more minutes on Twitter, honey. I’ll be right there!”

“Of course you don’t look fat!”

“Okay, I’ll shut up. Just let me in the room!”

(END)

*

(Based on an idea by Simon Rich in “Ant Farm”)

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Useful phrases for foreigners visiting India

Possibly related posts:

1. A letter from a guy who was killed in a recent terror attack Dear all, Thank you for the outpouring of sympathy over...
2. Good schools prefer housewives If you thought the Bush administration lived in an insulated...

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

What people say to you when you tell them that you don’t believe in God

Possibly related posts:

1. 20 signs that you’ve successfully made the transition to living in India How long can Neo call himself a “newly returned Indian”...
2. Questions about life that seem important but are actually not: #5: “Why am I here?” The 22nd year of a man’s life is very important...

Welcome to Gurgling Creek Sprawling Meadows Courtyard Burj Al-Bangalore, a truly integrated township enclave featuring 10,000 idyllic, angelic, low-rise, high-tech, upscale, down-to-earth, close-to-nature, self-contained, self-sustainable, contemporary, exemplary, auxiliary, prestigious, almost religious, state-of-the-art, individually crafted, pedestrian-friendly, eco-friendly and vastu-friendly residential nay presidential homes that will leave you positively speechless, as opposed to ordinary communities that leave you negatively speechless.

The top 20 floors are so exclusive, the only water that you can get there is the Alaskan glacier-melted bottled water available for purchase in our fine, on-site, off-beat and under-construction gourmet grocery store.

Directions: Take NH-30 in Bangalore and drive towards Assam, until you hit the village of Udamanakanoorakuchahalli. The last 20 km of your journey might be slightly bumpy, but we think of it as an outdoors experience – a cross between cross-country skiing, paragliding and the motocross.

Amenities: Your wife might seem grumpy, frumpy, lumpy and frankly, anything-but-humpy now – but wait till the power goes off during dinner! First you get to say goodbye to your cricket game and enjoy 20 minutes of refreshing darkness while our 24-hour backup power supply gets warmed up by burning diesel, cloth, newspapers, cement and really, whatever else the watchman can throw in to keep the flame going. Then, say hello to our BDA-approved, patent-pending ‘warm and fuzzy flicker’ backup power! It simulates candlelight that will make your wife look like the woman you could have married if you had as prestigious an address seven years ago!

(And you’ll be glad you brought your 100-250V appliances from the US, because that’s precisely the voltage range of the power supply in Udamanakanoorakuchahalli!)

After dinner, if you need some “privacy” with your wife, you might wish you had spent more and bought one of our apartments with a real bedroom (we warned you!). But don’t worry! Just inches away from the inviting entrance to your apartment is the entrance to your neighbors apartment – convenient to drop your kids off! Just make sure you go back to your own wife house – people tend to get lucky confused in the dark.

Clubhouse: Don’t feel like paragliding back to civilization just to unwind ? Enjoy our all-in-one, integrated, dedicated, artfully curated and carefully aerated chess, carrom, cards, monopoly and library room (books not included)! Had one game too many of teen-patti ? Enjoy yoga, tai chi or just meditate – you won’t be disappointed with our luxuriously-appointed “Rejuvenation space” privately situated under the staircase! (One person at a time, mat not included).

Buy now: How much, you ask ? Well, don’t be offended if our salesmen living space consultants laugh the first time they hear your budget – they are just being good-natured. Once they explain to you the value of your abode, you will agree that a mortgage is not bondage, but a prestigious privilege. And don’t worry if you miss a few payments –we have a team of professional, all-star, all-weather, all-afghan payment assistance advisors to remind you!

And relax – prices go up and prices go down. With most of your past savings, future earnings and wife’s earrings committed to your own abode, all your investments will be consolidated into one large monthly EMI payment. You’re free from thinking about stocks, bonds, gold, mutual funds, livestock, crude oil, fine wine, fixed deposits or even keeping idle cash in your bank!

So stop dreaming and make it happen – plan your work and work your plan! Prioritize, solemnize, actionize and then sodomize! Welcome to Udamanakanoorakuchahalli – the afghans are waiting!

(RIP George Carlin. You are missed.)

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

The only piece of real estate in Bangalore that is worth buying

Possibly related posts:

1. How to stop faking it and start living in the real India Not one to shy away from the occasional delusions of...
2. How to rent an apartment in India without going crazy There are probably only 5 Indian-Americans in the US who...

On the other hand, Google’s search algorithm has no choice but to read through all your boring emails and search queries. It’s trying to become sentient figure out what you’re likely to be searching.

So what are you, dear typical Google user, searching about India ? Google auto-complete knows:

1. Where do Indians live in Houston?

Answer: Here’s a hint: You know Indians are smart, right ? Would we really open our motel with the attached Indian restaurant far from where we all lived ?

And now you know where all the Pakistani and Bangladeshis live too. (You’d think that after all the complaining they do about how terrible it is to have India as a neighbor in South Asia, they’d have the sense to stay at least a few blocks away from us in the US.)

2. How do Indians wipe ?

Answer: Wipe what ? Wipe the floor with your ass ? Ok, yes, many Indians use water and their left hands to clean their ass. Why the left hand ? Because there should be some tradition that’s designed to be easier for left-handers. More importantly, we don’t want to contaminate our asses with the food that happens to be on our right hands.

3. Why Tamils celebrate Diwali?

Answer: It’s a cover for them to test their explosive devices. Tamil Nadu is planning to launch a massive missile strike on North India and then take over the country to make Tamil the national language, causing Pakistan to yearn for the good old days when they didn’t need a translator just to lie to India.

4. What do Indian people look like?

Answer: This question is as puzzling as the one you often hear from single women: “where are all the men?”. Seriously, you have to ask ? What happened to stepping out into the street ? We’re everywhere! (Yes, even in Talinn, Estonia)

5. Indian girls raised by wolves

Answer: If you are looking for matrimony with Indian girls raised by wolves, consider this: “Honey, I’m home!” in English sounds exactly like “Come and chew my head off, you stupid wolf” to an Indian girl raised by wolves (and judging by some of the mails Neo gets, even to many Indian girls who are not raised by wolves). Misunderestimations like that can ruin your entire evening.

6. Why do Indian people shake their head?

Answer: Well if you don’t want us to shake our heads, stop asking us to make you a company website that “looks exactly like this competitor’s website, except completely different.” And yes we’re spiritual but we still haven’t found any “lighter shades of black” for the text on your website.

7. Why are Indian people afraid of dogs?

Answer: Really, it’s the only thing all Indians (even those who now live in Houston) have in common. You’d be scared of dogs too, if you lived in a subcontinent with eighteen languages. Besides, although we all know that the dog doesn’t bite, the dog might not.

8. India and China have a right to pollute the environment

Answer: That’s not even a question! But, thank you for your support as we try to catch up to the per-capita pollution of developed countries.

9. Indian man marries dog

Answer: Now you know why there are so many Indian women (raised by humans or otherwise) looking for grooms on shaadi.com. You also know why we are scared of dogs.

10. How do Hindus get to heaven ?

Answer: Diversification. Sure, it’s fun, simple and bold to worship one God – just like it was to invest all your money in Enron. A better way to invest to simply buy a bit of everything. Yes, polytheism is the “Vanguard Index Fund” of religion. Look closely at a Hindu prayer room and you might even find Jesus (figuratively speaking)!

Just kidding! The truth is, we get to heaven by living like parseltongue-speaking, satan-worshipping pagans all our lives. Then, just moments before our deaths, we convert to Christianity so we can show up in heaven and continue leching at your wife when you visit our ridiculously overpriced Indian restaurant there.

(And when you get there, don’t forget to try our famous deep-fried vegetable balls in Manchurian sauce.)

Here’s your you-know-what:

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

10 things Google users really want to know about India

Possibly related posts:

1. DLF Cricket Indian Premier League (IPL) 2009 schedule in Google Calendar, ICAL, Outlook Image via Wikipedia Update: This calendar has been updated...
2. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to doing Namaste Neo suffered from a rare form of “prostrate cancer”, i.e....

So have you earned your promotion from “Newly Returned Indian” to “Natively Resident Indian” ? Here are 20 signs that you’ve successfully made the transition to living in India:

1. You stop getting out of the car at gas stations petrol pumps.

2. You drive next to a BMW 7-series and don’t notice it. Or you didn’t, until your driver gave you a condescending glance.

3. This year’s Diwali holidays won’t catch you by surprise.

4. You stop walking around the office with a coffee mug in your hand.

5. You wear a sweater in “winter”.

6. You stop asking other drivers for their insurance whenever they bump into your car.

7. You’re ok with paying $20,000 for a crappy, cramped car that takes 30 minutes to go from 0-60.

8. You think it’s perfectly natural for English movies to have English subtitles on HBO India.

9. Someone gets fired if it’s 8pm and there isn’t a 4-course meal on the dinner table.

10. You know the best parking spots are determined by shade from the sun and not by distance. Also, you’ve learned to hold the steering wheel using just your pinky finger.

11. The sound of the maid breaking a wine glass does not bother you because you had the foresight to buy a set of 13 wine glasses.

12. You host your kid’s birthday party at McDonald’s.

13. When there’s a cricket game on, you just turn on the TV instead of  reloading cricinfo.com every 10 seconds.

14. You and your spouse are experts in using “missed calls” to communicate. (1 ring = “on my way home”, 2 rings == “running late”, 3 rings == “just pick up the phone you cheapskate!”, …)

15. You stop hauling around your own luggage around at airports and train stations.

16. Your cell phone has a custom ringtone and caller tune. Also, you stop asking for cell phone numbers and start asking for “mobile”, as in “what’s your mobile?”

17. You barely remember what voicemail is.

18. You stop noticing homeless people.

19. When calling customer service, you confidently announce your name as “Gajanand Shrivatsav” without automatically spelling it out like “G as in Government, A as in Apple …”

20. You stop smiling at strangers in the elevator.

(Don’t feel bad if you’re not doing as well as you thought. Neo is right there behind you.)

Here’s your moment of zen:

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

20 signs that you’ve successfully made the transition to living in India

Possibly related posts:

1. How to stop faking it and start living in the real India Not one to shy away from the occasional delusions of...
2. Questions about life that seem important but are actually not: #5: “Why am I here?” The 22nd year of a man’s life is very important...

(As it turned out, the Algorithms homework deadline was postponed by a week, but Neo didn’t know that because he hadn’t checked his email.)

When the fat lady sings, there will be many people things you might regret not doing.And then there are things that will probably not cause you much regret – such as figuring out “why am I here”.

What’s unclear in life

Many things are unclear in life:

1. “Why am I here?”
2. Is it true that Sachin Tendulkar Sehwag Fabregas is, in fact, not just God, but THE MAN ?
3. Does Indian law allow you to divorce your spouse for not letting you watch the TV series of your choice ? (Apparently yes)
4. Did Tiger Woods’ first 7 affairs drive him into having the 8th affair ? (Have one affair, shame on you, have two affairs, shame on me – 8 affairs and you have to feel sorry for the guy!)
5. Will Mrs. Neo forgive Neo for accidentally kissing her friend on her lips last weekend  ? (He was aiming for the left cheek but missed!  Besides, it’s not like Mrs. Neo’s friend seemed to mind it all that much – why else would she post the photo on her Facebook!)

What’s clear in life

But if there is one thing clear in life, it is that (as the map in Forum mall said famously) YOU ARE HERE. So why not take an experiential (rather than an existential) view of life and ask the far more important question – what do I want to do here?

So, what do you want to do ?

And now Neo has to go check his email.

Here’s your moment of zen:

Epilogue: The only time Neo has asked himself “why am I here?” was during the 93rd minute of waiting for the “Indiana Jones” ride at Disneyworld. But then Neo asked himself “what do I want to do”, causing him to leave the line and head to the much preferable Disney Downtown for a well-deserved, kids-free beer.

(Halfway through the beer, Mrs Neo called Neo up to ask him the even more profoundly meaningless question, “why aren’t you here?”)

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Questions about life that seem important but are actually not: #5: “Why am I here?”

Possibly related posts:

1. The only Venn diagram about life that you will ever need   (Neo couldn’t figure out which set Alcohol belongs to....
2. 20 signs that you’ve successfully made the transition to living in India How long can Neo call himself a “newly returned Indian”...

“He probably doesn’t have an ear for melody, so just put him in the Tabla class. But don’t buy a Tabla until he’s practiced on the dinner table for six months” – Music teacher at a prominent music school in Mumbai.

These were the inspiring words that started Neo’s musical education at the age of six. For the next several years, Neo learned Tabla from a “guru” who had been driven half-crazy by seeing his beloved musical instrument being badgered to death every Wednesday by a group of 6-13 year olds.

But the truly exciting learning opportunities for Neo came on the other six days of the week, when Neo ran amok “played downstairs” in the parking lot of an otherwise un-noteworthy 20-floor Mumbai apartment building.

These are some of the exciting thing Neo learned from all those years of unsupervised fun:

1. Make fun, not war: During Diwali, never light a “rocket” near a slum dwelling. If the rocket sets fire to a hut, it could start World War III. Also, if a group of angry slum dwellers suddenly approach you, remember to shove the matches into someone else’s hands.

2. Art: Never buy those poor quality balloons from the multilingual hawker. There are always lots of nicer balloons near your parents’ bed, plus for some reason they also freak grown-ups out when inflated.

3. Corporate hierarchy: The guy who owns the bat is never out. Also, your brand new cricket bat will last much longer if you never use it – that’s why mommy never lets you take it downstairs.

4. Women are crazy: Girls are irritating at first because they want to play the same games as boys, but suck at it. And then just when the guys think “hey it would be fun to play all sorts of games with the girls”, the girls suddenly stop wanting to play. This is very puzzling for the boys, and a source of great amusement for the girls.

5. Self-defense: Your ability to use fancy English swear words will typically not outlast your opponents ability to kick you repeatedly in the nuts. Especially if the opponent does not speak English.

6. Academics matter: When Mr. Radhakrishnan is not home, Mrs. Radhakrishnan likes to call boys to her home to eat “biscuits” and do other fun activities. But she only calls you after you reach 10th grade. So it is very important to study hard and reach 10th grade.

7. Automobiles: Marbles in fuel tanks work much better than just random rocks.

8. Animal kingdom: Ignore what the science teacher tells you about butterflies. The only species of wildlife that are not already extinct are: crows, lizards, cows and dogs.

9. Project planning: If you are trying to get your ball from underneath a parked car, make sure you let the driver know that you’re under the car, in case he decides to start driving just when you’re under it.

10. The secret to happiness: A regular gola-sharbat costs Rs. 5. The “special gola-sharbat” costs Rs. 100 and is basically just a regular gola-sharbat with some ayurvedic whitish-brown powder sprinkled on it, which makes you feel really happy – at least for the next hour or three.

*

(.. and then one day you realize that you’re more likely to have a third cup of coffee rather than a third beer – that’s when you know you’ve grown up.)

Was your childhood in India as educational ? What’s the most exciting thing you learned ? And, as your spouse probably wants to know – are you sure your childhood is really even over ? Let Neo know in the comments.

Epilogue: As it turned out, Neo was perfectly capable of understanding melody and went on to teach himself to play the keyboard by ear. His Tabla guru eventually left the profession and went back to his banking job, and back to loving the Tabla again.

(The special gola-sharbat now costs Rs. 350.)

Here’s your moment of zen:

PS: Apparently, while the kids in India are learning important lessons about life, the kids in the US are having way too much fun. As Surekha complains:

My friends went for bally class in school (in the US). There in school premises 13 -14 years students were openly doing romance.My friend with kids was waiting outside the restroom but few teen age studen’s went before them inside restroom and didn’t came out for long and after long time they came out screaming and was doing hi 5 to their out side friends. Small kids watching this was shame.

Post from: neoIndian - Confessions of a newly returned Indian

10 exciting things that you can only learn by growing up in India

Possibly related posts:

1. How to stop faking it and start living in the real India Not one to shy away from the occasional delusions of...
2. Learn everything you ever wanted to know about “unnatural sex” – from the Indian penal code The last thing Neo wanted to do after a harrowing...