It was always going to be hard for Neo to convince Mrs. Neo of his marriage-readiness, but it would have been quicker had Mrs. Neo made Neo take the following test:

1. Write a snark-free essay on two of the following (3000+ words):
   1. My dad (your would-be father-in-law)
   2. Your emotions right now
   3. Foreplay
2. Describe the appearance of your ideal woman, starting with her shoes. Actually, just the shoes—the rest, I know.
3. Critique the outfits I wore on our last 7 dates (skip the 3rd and 5th most recent dates; add more detail about the 6th.)
4. Write a hypothetical conversation between you and any one of my girl-friends, where she will find you cute, endearing, sexy, funny and attractive, but not flirty; she should feel herself attracted to you, while realizing that she is definitely not your type.
5. Draw a dinner fork, a teaspoon and a tablespoon. To scale.
6. List (all questions compulsory):
   1. 10 colors that are not in the rainbow, or in a box of crayons.
   2. 10 things you can do that my mom will find cute (bonus points for listing things that I haven’t told you).
   3. All our anniversaries and important days (use additional sheets if necessary).
   4. All festivals when you are not permitted to discuss religion, or give any variant of your “how 99% of the world’s religions are already extinct” speech.
   5. 10 friends—besides members of your “band”—that you think you will need to phase out of your life, once we’re married. (Do not include friends that have already been phased out.)
7. Write the last joke you will ever make about my brother’s writing, clothing or preference for drinking warm water.
8. Describe your favorite book of all time, and discuss how it could be improved to match Gone With The Wind.
9. Describe in brief all your ex-girlfriends. Attach their pictures. All the pictures. And gifts, etc. Basically everything that’s in “the box.” Just attach the whole box.
10. Under what circumstances are you permitted to lie to me ? (One word or less.)

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

The Marriage Aptitude Test

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Respected Mr. Damodaran,

As part of my neighborly endeavor to convince your kind self that your dog is the creator of the “doo doo” deposited frequently outside my front door, I have attached to this letter a set of nine photographs, one video and ten slides of my proposed presentation at the Society Meeting, tentatively titled: “Damodaran’s Doggie Doing Doo Doo.”

(I deeply regret my use of certain less polite euphemisms than “doo doo” during our recent discussion in the hallway. I’ve been in a foul mood since this morning when my day started, somewhat literally, on the wrong foot.)

Sir, please be advised that, after hearing the contours of your defense against these allegations, I now intend to call on a new witness—the maid known as “Ratnamma”, better known as the lady who cleans the hallways. Ratnamma has developed a reputation of being quite the canine expert—you might recall the decisive role she played in the Mrs. Bakshi vs. Pack Of Stray Dogs incident during Holi.

Ratnamma will testify that:

1. The dog in the video recorded at my front door (time 0:10 to 0:53) is your dog; that his manner and posture suggests that he was about to powder his nose; that he would have done so had I not, in my enthusiasm to secure a good angle for my video, startled him.
2. The color and texture of the deposits found at my doorstep (refer to pictures #1, #2, #3, #4, #5—all taken on successive days last week) are identical to the deposits left by your dog elsewhere in our building (refer to pictures #6, #7—showing your dog along with his generous donation to our building’s strategic manure reserves.)

Sir I do respect that it is still your contention that a stray dog bearing an uncanny resemblance to your dog is responsible for these actions, but I would submit to your fair judgment that your position is looking increasingly untenable, for the evidence is mounting. Consider: there were no untoward incidents during the entire week that your family spent in Tirupati—it is hard to imagine that the alleged stray dog modified his restroom arrangements on the basis of your travel itinerary.

Damodaran-ji, while I have your kind attention, I would like to bring to your notice another issue. As per the de facto routine established over the past year, your respected mother blows her conch shell every day at roughly 8:01 a.m. Sir, lately this aforementioned schedule appears to have changed. For instance, today the conch shell was sounded at 5:30 a.m., 5:33 a.m., 5:36 a.m., 5:43 a.m. and 5:48 a.m. If there has been a change in your mother’s prayer strategy, do let me know. Furthermore, at 6:01 a.m. today there was a new and hitherto unheard sound; while my wife is of the opinion that it was someone shouting “Govinda” at the top of their voice, my son remains undecided—he feels that it could have either been your mother trying to scare away a rapidly approaching Godzilla, or vice versa.

Finally, please allow me to express my sympathy for the harrowing morning you had on Sunday, when some rogue locked you in your own house by affixing a Godrej Navtal lock to your front door. The dastardly act was certainly not easy—the exterior bolt is designed to prevent this sort of mischief, and so the vandal needed to loosen the screws, relocate the exterior bolt and then affix the lock. One wonders why the country is in such a bad shape when we seem to have no dearth of innovation, talent, patience and dexterity when it comes to crime.

Sir let me put an end to the vicious rumors: my wife and I did not deliberately ignore your pleas for help as we left the building for our jog that fateful morning. We failed to notice your shouts—and the conch shell—because we, like most people in your immediate neighborhood, have grown rather immune to any loud sound emanating from your premises.

I was especially saddened to learn from Ratnamma that, perhaps due to his long and unplanned incarceration until the locksmith arrived, your dog was forced to perform his doggie duties within the confines of your house. I can’t even begin to imagine the stench, because I already know how bad it is.

I hope that with this letter I have clarified my position on the various obstacles that stand in the way of normalizing the bonds of neighborly brotherhood between our respective households. I now look forward to your esteemed presence in the Society Meeting tonight at 7 p.m. in the club house, assuming that by then—and here I refer you to photos #8 and #9—Ratnamma has cleaned the shit therein.

Sincerely,

Neo

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

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You didn’t cry when you were born; you just looked around the room with an expression that said, “Brighter than I expected, but whatever. Are all nurses this good-looking ? Why are y’all staring at me ? Shock laga kya?” You were Definitely Male, Born Tough, Like.No.Other. – The Best A Man Can Get. So, dearest son, I’m writing you this letter to give you some Ideas For Life, to Make Tomorrow Brighter.

Right now, Life’s Good, and you’ve learned to Express Yourself nicely; you must also become a good listener and a voracious reader, because an Idea Can Change Your Life, as long as you’re good at Applying Thought.

Travel. It will help you become you the Complete Man. Make It Large while you’re still single. Get a Taste of India and experience the King of Good Times. Once you get married – and especially if or after you have kids – your life will be like, Fill it, Shut it and Forget it.

Approximately one out of every ten people is gay. However you’re wired, it’s not weird. You might even change your mind after you grow up – There’s Nothing Official About It. Whichever gender you’re attracted to, No Confusion, Great Combination.

Marry someone only when you feel you’re Made For Each Other. Make sure your partner shares your passions and is physically fit – Taste bhi, health bhi – because the Axe Effect wears off, and no one can be Gorgeous Hamesha. Have an inexpensive wedding – the money you spend on A Diamond Is Forever.

Like me, you will probably grow up to hate your extended family. They’re like, Wherever You Go, Our Network Follows; It’s Everywhere You Want To Be. But they will let you Drive Your Way after they realize that you keep Going and Going and Going. So Simplifly, Reclaim Your Life and Just Do It, Because You’re Worth It.

Thanks to our Indian genes, I will most likely die of heart failure. I hope that I die while I’m still healthy, because I hate medicines – Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop. And after I’m gone, I hope this letter will remind you: the most important thing in life is to Think Hatke – because the only thing that is truly Utterly Butterly Delicious is irony.

Is It In You ? I know that it is. Profit From It.

-Dad

PS: I might have led you to believe that I’m A Complan Boy, but you’re now ready for the truth: Boost was always the Secret Of My Energy. (Don’t tell your mom; I’m not yet ready to Taste The Thunder.)

*

Inspired, sort of, by this, and by many hashtags on Twitter.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

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If you’ve just arrived from the US to attend a traditional Hindu wedding in India, you might be jet-lagged – but that’s not necessarily bad. While the other wedding guests groggily arrive at the wedding venue at 4 a.m., it will be late afternoon according to your body clock – the perfect time to enjoy the spectacular Hindu wedding shown in the movie “Hum Aapke Hai Kaun”, available in your hotel room upon request.

You have plenty of time to finish the movie and then head to the wedding, because a real-life, traditional Hindu wedding is much longer than Hum Aapke Hai Kaun, and – for the bride and groom at least – much more painful. The undocumented and real purpose of the traditional Hindu wedding ceremony, dear foreigner, is to imprint two critical words into the minds of the bride and groom: never again.

The ceremony

At first glance, the entire wedding ceremony might seem like a meaningless ritual – but, after the seventh or eighth glance, you will realize that the seemingly meaningless ritual is poignantly symbolic of the meaninglessness of life in general.

No, there might be a deeper meaning (to the ritual). For instance, the groom adds a thousand blades of grass – one at a time, the priest is watching! – into the holy fire (agni); this could symbolize the groom’s ability and willingness to do (karma) a boring cubicle-farm job and earn a good income (artha). The bride changes her saree once every nine minutes, while the groom waits patiently; this could symbolize a shopping marathon (retail therapy).

During the wedding, do not be alarmed if an elderly person tells you to, “See, see!” This doesn’t mean that they are offended to see you reading this guide instead of watching the wedding ceremony. In this context, “See, see!” translates to, “See beta [son], if you decide to get married you can also have such a wonderful marriage [wedding].” In response, you should say, “:)”.

You could look up the various individual rituals – kanyaa daan, saptapadi, etc. – that comprise a Hindu wedding on Wikipedia, but it wouldn’t be helpful, because the priest who is conducting the wedding ceremony is probably doing something totally different, because he hasn’t read the Wikipedia page.

The wedding ceremony – like most other important events in the life of an Indian youngster – is designed to please the family elders. Even then, things can, and do go wrong. It is not uncommon for an elder, usually from the groom’s party, to complain that the wedding ceremony did not meet their requirements, because the priest failed to conduct such-and-such ritual. Such criticism is usually answered by another equal-but-opposite elder, usually from the bride’s party, who retorts that such-and-such ritual is only performed by people belonging to so-and-so caste, which is a so-so caste.

And so it goes.

Etiquette

It is best to watch the ceremony from a safe distance. To verify that you are at a safe distance, look at the feet of the people around you – if you’re the only one wearing shoes, you are probably standing in the sacred mandap, which is the canopy-covered area in the room (look up).

Even though most weddings are now held indoors, the mandap is canopy-covered because Hindu weddings are traditionally supposed to be held outdoors. However, even if the wedding were being held outdoors, you still wouldn’t be allowed to wear your shoes in the mandap. Basically, what we’re trying to say is, taking off your shoes increases the number of places you can safely visit in a Hindu wedding – if you’re willing to take off your shirt, you could probably sit right next to the priest.

If rice is offered to you, examine it carefully – if it is cooked, you should eat it; if it is raw, use it to shower blessings on the couple when everyone else is doing so. You should also bless all those who prostrate themselves in front of you. Bless them profusely for 10-20 seconds; after that, if they are still prostrate, yell for a doctor.

Oh, and that isn’t a vuvuzela – it’s a shehnai, or perhaps a nadaswaram. The shehnai and the nadaswaram are completely different just like Hindi and Urdu are – which means that they are exactly the same, but you can offend people by confusing the two.

Finally

This guide is only an introduction; there are many other important pieces of etiquette you will need to be aware of – ask the nearest elder. Also, we haven’t addressed the elephant in the room, but that’s because the elephant is usually left outside the room.

After you attend a traditional Hindu wedding, you might still prefer the “Hum Aapke Hai Kaun”-style wedding. It is just a matter of taste – there is no such thing as a right or wrong taste, just good or bad taste.

If you liked the wedding you saw, there’s good news – you don’t need to be Hindu for you to be permitted a Hindu wedding. You could probably have a Hindu wedding just because you love the ceremony (and because you love your would-be spouse) – lots of Indian people will be more than happy to not just attend, but also to help organize your wedding. Just make sure you tell the single guests at your wedding what it means when an elder tells them to, “See, see!”

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One year ago, I spent an entire night dreaming that I was a giant fly. When I awoke, I was startled to discover that I was myself. I decided that this was a vision, and asked my Guruji (from Better Living through Conscious Snoring) what I should do with it.

Guruji told me to stop depending on other people to tell me what to do, become an entrepreneur, and document my journey and daily achievements in a journal.

This is the journal:

Day 1

• After much contemplation, I have decided to stop depending on other people to tell me what to do, become an entrepreneur and document my journey and daily achievements in this journal.
• Changed my LinkedIn title from “Project manager” to “Technology Guru/Entrepreneur/Evangelist in Social/Mobile Web, Biotech, Digital Media, Internet Gaming, and Other Related Technologies.”
• Created a blog and twitter account to chronicle my entrepreneurial journey.

Day 2

• It’s hard to think of cool ideas for a web-based business during a meeting, but it’s easy if you know Conscious Snoring – Guruji taught me how to keep it quiet and do it without anyone noticing.
• Idea 1: It’s just like Twitter, except everyone’s pretending to be someone they’re not! Users can pretend to be a foreign-policy expert, a comic, a hipster, or even an entrepreneur! The addictive nature of Twitter + the excitement of a game = I’d use it.
• Idea 1b: The same concept could be applied to make a LinkedIn clone too.

Day 3

• Read two fascinating articles, “Strategy: The Execution Trap”, and “How Rebranders Unleash Innovation On The Frontline.”

Day 4

• Posted my first two blog entries: “Rebranding: The Strategy Trap”, and “Execution On The Frontlines of Innovation.”

Day 5

• Got five comments on my blog today. It’s nice to see so much interest in my journey. I feel good.
• New post: “Emerging trends in Indian technology for 2010: Mobile phones.”
• Finding .com domain names is hard.

Day 20

• Finally found and registered an awesome domain name: indeaspace.com - it’s a play on “idea space” and “India”. I might need to rework my business plan a little to fit the domain name.
• Attended TEDx. Amazing to have one in southern Ulhasnagar! Met several fellow entrepreneurs, and pitched my idea to a couple of them.
• At TEDx, I managed to hand out all two hundred Conscious Snoring brochures. Guruji was thrilled.
• What exactly does it mean when people say “worked with five Fortune 500 companies?”
• I’ve never liked the About page of my blog – not punchy enough. I hired a professional freelance business writer to write a better one for me. I hope it’ll be worth the money.

Day 25

• I finally launched indeaspace.com, and announced it on my Facebook, Twitter and blog. Emailed everyone I knew. Five subscribers so far. Not much, but exciting times!
• Created my own account on indeaspace. I’ve decided to pretend to be an author and also an expert on relationships.
• My blog post on “10 blogs entrepreneurs must visit” was linked from IndianStartups.com. Huge traffic spike!
• I visited the Sony office to evaluate their new laptop; I must have interacted with people from up to twenty Fortune 500 companies right there. I’m also realizing that there’s all these Fortune 500 people I’ve met at the Ashram. Sent all this to my bio writer.

Day 28

• Traffic to indeaspace.com is growing slower than expected, plus I’m getting a lot of spam. Not nice.
• I got interviewed today by IndiStart, a well-known Indian podcast dedicated to startups. Lots of interesting questions from other entrepreneurs!
• I’ve started a new series on my blog, “My Vision of India in 2020.” (Thought the title was funny: 20/20)
• Created my matrimonial profile on shaady.com to keep my parents quiet for a while. I decided to show some of my humor and flirty skills on my profile: “I’m thirty-six! Do you know the significance of this age ? You have to wait to be thirty-six before you can legally marry a girl half your age! LOL.”

Day 45

• AWESOME, awesome, awesome: WindyBook Publishers called me up today. They want me to write a book about my experiences!! He said there was a huge market for entrepreneurial stories.
• As an entrepreneur, I’ve realized: nothing sells more than the dream of entrepreneurship.
• Also, the freelancer finished my bio. It looks awesome. Got lots of positive feedback. One person said it looked as good as Chetan Bhagat’s bio.

Day 62

• I’ve put indeaspace.com on the back-burner for now. Between the long Conscious Snoring – where I am now a Senior Disciple – sessions, writing the book, and my blog, there is very little time left to work on indeaspace.

Day 97

• My book, “Metamorphosis: How I Transformed Myself Into an Entrepreneur”, was released – 20,000 copies sold in one month. Epic. Win.
• Guruji says I owe him royalty. My fiancee is already picking out houses. I’d love to pay Guruji, but I can’t break the heart of an eighteen-year old.
• Changed my LinkedIn title to “Entrepreneur, best-selling author and strategy consultant.”

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

The unpublished journal of a successful entrepreneur

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Several years ago, during a party at his house in the US, Neo decided to have some fun. He convinced a couple of his white guests to hop on one foot, because that was a customary Indian way to thank the host for a great party. For once, Mrs. Neo found it funny too, except for the part where Neo overwrote 30% of Neo Jr’s “first birthday” mini DV tape to record the festivities.

What does this prank have to do with racism ? Probably not much, but that’s because Neo isn’t a True Expert on Racism. The True Experts on Racism are those who outrage whenever – these days it seems every week – a white American magazine columnist (yes, magazines – remember ?) writes anything unflattering about Indians in the US.

After last week’s outrage, Neo convinced a crack team of journalists to take time off from crack and interview the Experts to gain their views on racism, intolerance, bigotry, stereotyping, entitlement and ignorance.

Here are some excellent and exemplary excerpts from the experienced Experts:

1. “I hate it when they stereotype Indians, as if we were all the same. These typical, beer-drinking, baseball-watching, stereotype-loving, cereal-eating, laid-off white people between the ages of 25-40 – all of them love to read brown-bashing articles. Bigots, all of them!” (This may or may not be from a famous – and famously modest - Indian blogger called “GreatBlogger.”)
2. “It’s just because we are Indians. I mean, Indians are the most tolerant people on the planet. How dare anyone make fun of us, or suggest that we are somehow unwelcome? My blood is boiling with rage! I’m not advocating violence, or suggesting that anyone be fired, of course. But, …”
3. “Americans seem unwilling to assimilate. It’s almost as if they cared about their own culture more than ours! Why do they complain about the changes we cause in their neighborhoods ? It’s ridiculous for anyone to cling to an obsolete culture that exists only in their nostalgic memories!”
4. “You know, whenever I have to take the Holland tunnel to attend a desi concert, I start thinking about racial segregation.”
5. “Why don’t white people seem to like me ? I’m so much like them! Hey, did you say neo’s-paper, or newspaper ? Is this some sort of a joke ?”
6. “You see, as I keep telling my son, who is holding a very high post at Intel in the Bay Area for past several years, these Americans have no culture! Most ungracious people.”
7. “Why should it be so hard to get a visa, and why are the rules so strict ? It’s almost as if the Americans have decided that they have the right to pick and choose who gets to immigrate to the U.S. That’s racist, right ?”
8. “Indians have a history of being open to everyone. Even in my hometown of Pune, you will see these kalias, heh, I mean, Africans, roam around freely on their bikes. I don’t mind as long as they don’t try to force my kids into drugs.”
9. “Write your blog post so that white Americans feel bad about the situation. Try to include some comparisons with Jewish people. Or at least Blacks.”
10. “As a writer at SepoyBrown.com, my mantra is: Never attribute to stupidity that which can be adequately explained by racism.”

You knew there was going to be a quiz at the end of this, and here it is. Write a 1000-word article on why you think the white guy in the video below is being racist, although he does not appear to be between the ages of 25 and 40.

PS: The crack team of journalists also asked the Experts about persecution complexes. They replied, “That’s nonsense. I think you need to stop drinking the kool-aid!”. Every single Expert said that.

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Neo’s return to India was planned somewhat better than the U.S. invasion of Iraq; his Plan was the product of several months of vigorous lurking on the Return to India forums, hours of detailed discussions with his parents in India, and had been vigorously debated, modified, and then finally adopted by the Neos via a unanimous voice vote.

Here’s an excerpt from Volume 3, Page 304 of the Plan:

“Safety clause #9: It will be largely unnecessary for Mrs. Neo to drive in India, at least initially, because:

1. Mrs. Neo has never driven any vehicle in India, ever – all of her driving experience has been on the wrong side of the road, and on the wrong side of the Pacific.
2. Neo’s parents have already hired a reliable driver, one Mr. Venkatesh, who is licensed, able and willing to drive the Neos wherever they wish.
3. On the six out of every seven days that Mr. Venkatesh is unable or unwilling to attend to his duties on account of “religious function at house saar,” Neo (who has several years of automobile driving experience in India), will be able and willing to drive the Neos wherever they wish.”

And so, naturally, 30 minutes after their arrival in India, Neo found himself in a car driven by Mrs. Neo, and Neo’s heart found itself undergoing its first stress-test.

It was one of those “Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto” moments – yes, Pluto’s not even a planet but that’s sort of the point - that make married life such a lucrative subject for authors of self-help books; while Neo was looking forward to his freedom from driving, Mrs. Neo wanted freedom from the driver. (And also, apparently, from the Plan that she had co-authored.)

“I don’t know why you make such a big deal out of driving,” said Mrs. Neo, as the car parted a sea of two-wheeler drivers much like Moses might have, narrowly missed a watermelon cart, and went over a bump that felt like it was a living being.

For the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of what happens on Indian roads:

1. If you are a pedestrian, you could get hit by a two-wheeler or a car.
2. If you drive a two-wheeler, you could get hit by a car.
3. If you drive a car, you could get hit by the driver of a two-wheeler - in this specific case, an old man whose motorcycle had nearly been forced off the road and into a ditch, thanks to a sudden attempt by Mrs. Neo to avoid a harmless pothole.

The old man was more shaken than angry, and so Neo decided that he would step out of the car to help the man back onto his motorcycle, and perhaps even apologize. At that very moment, Pluto decided to exert its meager, but influential, gravitational pull – Mrs. Neo decided to step on the gas and speed away, leaving behind not just the dusty old man, but also very nearly one of Neo’s feet that was still on the road.

How should this incident shape the Neos’ future transportation strategy in India? Here are your two broad options.

1. This incident is solid evidence that any deviation from the Plan is costly, and that Mrs. Neo should henceforth find other, less exciting avenues for exercising her freedom, OR
2. This incident is solid evidence of Mrs. Neo’s superior temperament for Indian conditions, because she made the right decision to quickly leave the scene, preventing what could have been a very nasty altercation between Neo and the old man. Hence, if anything, this incident proves that Mrs. Neo should start driving regularly and immediately.

If you took more than even a moment to decide which of the above should apply, you know which planet, or rather, which erratic rock circling the solar system smiles on you.

*

Epilogue:

1. As Neo pulled his foot back into the rapidly speeding Neomobile, he looked back and saw that the old man had noticed Neo’s attempts to get out of the car, and had a half-smile on his face, as if he understood Neo’s predicament; it was a smile that brought some closure and peace to Neo.

2. The driving expedition ended without further incident; Neo was relieved when Mrs. Neo used the car’s turn indicator to signal the last turn before they would reach their destination (Big Bazaar). Except, instead of the turn indicator, Mrs. Neo had turned on the windshield wiper as usual, because the turn indicator is on the other side of the steering wheel in an Indian car.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto

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Neo likes to believe that his NRI friends are eager to visit Neo because they love to listen to his “Thoughts on Critical Issues that Really Matter” speech, the same speech that Neo has prepared in case he gets invited to TED.

The reality is, they visit to see how much the Neos have progressed towards pulling off the greatest Indian parenting achievement – raising a child with the perfect blend of Indian values and Western achievement.

Neo Jr could very well become that child. But right now, the only thing perfectly blended in Neo Jr’s life is his favorite milkshake (strawberry/banana).

So out of a small sense of guilt and a large sense of needing something to do during the half-time of the soccer game, Neo decided to study Indian values. Here’s a quick overview of his several minutes of intensive study:

1. Respect your elders

Unlike other cultures that may or may not promote selling the body parts of elderly people, Indian culture emphasizes Respect for Elders. Elderly people will have typically sacrificed a lot of the stuff that would have made them happy just so that you can be happy. And hence, you must now sacrifice most of what would make you happy in order to make them happy. This sort of circular ponzi logic might not make any sense to you, but don’t worry – when you become Elderly, it won’t make any sense to your kids either.

2. Focus on education

Having a strong educational background will make you a thoughtful, knowledgeable and articulate person; these attributes will enable you to clearly express your outrage when you realize that uneducated people have amassed egregious amounts of wealth and power while you have been busy amassing an egregious amount of educational debt.

3. Be family-oriented

Families are a critical Indian value, and you must study them in great detail: mostly by asking probing questions whenever you meet people with families. After intensive study, you will realize that many Indian families are actually severely dysfunctional, and you will naturally decide that you want to put off starting your own family for as long as possible. Once you decide this, you should start a family immediately, because it makes Elderly people happy.

4. Trust in the institution of marriage

As far as possible, get an arranged marriage. The main advantage of an arranged marriage is that a marriage that starts with near-zero love can only get better. If your marriage doesn’t get better over time, you should be ashamed because you really need to stop thinking about yourself and focus on your kids now.

5. Sacrifice

Life offers you a series of choices. The Indian Value of sacrifice helps you to make the right choices, so you feel you did everything you could when you finally realize that for the most important things in life, you really had no choice.

There are two steps to sacrificing:

1. Acquire something of value – this step is sort of important because otherwise you would have nothing to sacrifice.

2. Perform the sacrifice – sacrifice something of smaller value to acquire something higher in value. (Note that other cultures may refer to this as Profit.)

Important: Make sure that in your eagerness to sacrifice, you do not sacrifice your Indian values.

6. Additional value for women: Avoid, at all costs, getting pregnant before marriage; after marriage, get pregnant as soon as possible.

Armed with this knowledge, Neo decided he would start inculcating these values in Neo Jr immediately. The first step would be to just memorize the list: “Respect”, “Education”, “Family”, etc. But just as he was getting started, Mrs. Neo violated pretty much every Indian value on the list: she picked up Neo Jr and said, “Don’t listen to your dad. Finish your milkshake and go to bed.”

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“A once-in-a-lifetime debut by this author.” – Debut magazine

“Four out of Five bindis.” – South Asian Identity Exploring Website

“I’d be on the edge of my seat if I wasn’t lying on the beach!” - Amazon.com reviewer.

“A tour de farce!” – Neo

“Ke ami” is a path-breaking novel by debutante novelist Kavya Mehta. The books deals with the journey of a young woman, Mala, as she explores, rejects, discovers, redefines and then finally questions the very core of her Indian cultural identity; an issue that has not been explored by contemporary Indian writers since last Wednesday.

Mala Chattopadhyay hails from a traditional Bengali/Hindu Indian family that will be familiar and instantly identifiable; at least to European and North American readers. For Indian readers who might be more fuzzy about what goes on in traditional families living in small Bengali towns, Ms. Mehta describes the Chattopadhyay family in painstakingly vivid detail. Mala’s family consists of a Father who is a daktar (literally: “doctor”), a Mother who works in a skul (literally: “school”) and a quirky Brother who is notable for being the only character in this book that is devoid of an identity crisis.

In what is perhaps the most poignant scene in the novel, a warm breeze flaps open a window that is draped by a curtain adorned with an intricate pattern, oddly reminiscent of the living room couch in the Chattopadhyay residence. The window knocks a bowl of vermillion onto Mala’s head. But, instead of causing intense irritation to Mala’s eyes, the vermillion attaches itself to her forehead. Mala’s mother takes it as a sign; it is time to close the window.

Alas, the vermillion incident also portends a somewhat less orange turn of events for Mala. As if being raised in a typical Indian family were not hard enough on her emotions, things are about to get positively bittersweet; Mala gets married (the marriage is arranged, but with Mala’s demure, if endearingly hesitant consent) to a Bengali Indian American boy, Harish, who has just graduated from MIT*.

Soon after her arrival in America, Mala’s life takes an interesting twist, the first of several increasingly interesting twists: she meets Gbjkel, an exotic young woman of Syrian-Kurdish-Molvanian descent. In a poignantly allegoric scene, both Mala and Gbjkel are searching for an affordable source of lighting for their new homes and end up reaching for the same halogen lamp for $10.95 at Walmart. Introductions occur between the two women, and Mala and Gbjkel embark on a life-changing friendship that is the subject of much of the novel. However, many readers will be left wondering if this friendship could have acquired vastly more personal hues, had the two women not been content with merely comparing cultural notes over coffee.

The central theme in this book is the conflict in Mala’s life. On the one hand, she is struggling with her assimilation into American society: a task made even more challenging given that she had barely understood the True Meaning of the Bengali life she left behind in India. On the other hand, a harshly materialistic Harish wants Mala to get a job and help with a mortgage that is looking increasingly foolish by the month, rather than spending long hours reading Indian (and Syrian-Kurdish-Molvanian) literature.

Bottom line: If you’re an Indian who’s ever wondered, “Who am I?”, but have had little or no time to truly explore your identity, this book is for you. You will identify with Mala, who asks a similar question in her own, hauntingly Bengali way: “ke ami?“ (literally: “Who am I?”)

* * * *

(* An earlier version of this review erroneously suggested that Harish had graduated from Yale (instead of MIT); the error completely changed the tone of the review, and is deeply regretted. -ed)

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

“Ke ami?” – A must-read book review of a must-read book

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“Outrage needs to be a verb in Indian English. So when are we planning to outrage? 3:00 pm? Okay, will be there with effigy. “- @cgawker

It’s your worst nightmare: you’re engaged in what seems to be a safe activity, such as visiting random websites on the Internet, reading the posts in the “Stuff That Might Hurt Your Religious Sentiments” mailing list, or just plain old checking out pictures of women, when it all goes horribly wrong: you see something that (yes, it’s okay to face it and say the words) hurts your religious sentiments.

Yes, one moment you are sitting there munching on a pakoda, and now it’s like your whole life is destroyed. Everything you were taught, everything you believed in, your entire religion is now in tatters.

What do you do next ? Stop munching on that pakoda ? Give up your religion and join the enemy ? Do your taxes ? Stop looking at pictures of women on the Internet ?

It is shocking that in 2010 the Armed Forces stand ready to protect us against relatively minor physical harm such as losing our lives, but there is no protection against what is perhaps the gravest injury of all – being offended.

To help people who have suffered injuries to their religious sentiments, we have formed the “Religious Sentiment Injury Support Group”. We conduct regular, extensive, expensive and expansive seminars throughout the country, all of which consist of reading out the contents of this guide.

So what can you do when (and not if!) your religious sentiments are hurt? Let’s begin! The most important thing is …

1. Don’t panic: It might seem like the world is coming to an end sooner (or later?) than your religion predicted, but don’t panic (unless you’ve sinned, in which case, you have a lot more to worry about than the painting of a dove licking the carcass of a goat.) Studies show that many of our customers make a quick and full recovery. If you follow our instructions closely, you might be able to resume your normal diet within minutes of the Injury. Some lucky people have reported being able to watch an entire cricket match on the very same day as the Injury. Yes, you too can survive this. But first, …

2. Check your vital signs: Do you feel any physical pain ? If you are experiencing pain in your lower back, it may be that you are leaning too far forward in your chair while reading this guide. Please, sit with a straight back. Your religious sentiment will soon be healed, but back problems can last a long, long time. Now that you’re seated comfortably, you need to …

3. Spread the word: Using the power of the Internet, and your right to free speech (and free email accounts), send the offensive material to as many people as you can. This does have the unfortunate side-effect of hurting the sentiments of a lot more people than just yourself, but it helps increase our customer base! But we are not all about business. We care deeply about you, because …

4. You are not a victim, you are a survivor: You are a man of True Faith, and you can never be wrong, because you know all about Truth, Peace and all the other Words That Look Important Just By Being Capitalized. So you need to stop victimizing yourself, think like a survivor, and most importantly …

5. Think about God: Not that you ever stop thinking about God, but think harder now. Can you imagine what it must be like to be an all-powerful, all-knowing and infinitely wise God and yet be powerless to stop someone drawing a naked picture of someone else, or (hold on to your chair) the image of a triangle within a circle? Even God has that special place on his back that he can’t scratch. Your religious text probably has some text along the lines of “Bring The Whole Damn Country To Its Knees If You Feel Offended”. Yes, dear survivor, it is now time to …

6. Outrage: But first, we recommend eating a hearty meal, because outraging can consume lots of calories. Once you’re done eating, please find a convenient Outrage location using our website, and while you’re logged in, don’t forget to buy an appropriate effigy from our well-stocked online store. (For a limited time, we are offering our “easy-ignite solution” free with our effigies – just press the button to ignite, no matches needed!) Then head to the Outrage, where you can exercise your constitutional right to individual freedom by doing exactly what your Religious And Cultural Leader, or really, Anyone With A Megaphone tells you to do. And once you’re done outraging, …

7. You can relax and unwind: Outraging is hard work, and you’ve earned your right to relax. Leave cleaning up after your Outrage to other people. The country will be fine without the buses that you burnt. Okay, maybe some people were injured. Or killed. Whatever. It’s called Sacrifice – God’s way of scratching his itch. Don’t worry about it. Do something that takes your mind off the Injury. Take a nap, or watch a movie. Or, maybe, just unwind by surfing the Internet.

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Please consider supporting us by buying one of our bestselling books: “How To Outrage”, “How To Be A Culture Warrior In Your Spare Time Or Whenever There’s Nothing On TV”, or “Relationship Guide For Weekend Vedic Warriors: Does She Really Need to Know What You Do Online ?”.

PS: Many have reported that they are unable to access our “Religious Sentiment Injury Support” page because it has been banned. This ban is outrageous and is a mockery of all those who have suffered the injustice of having their religious sentiments hurt. To protest, we are meeting today at 3pm (right after the cricket game, weather permitting) to burn the effigy of the Man Who Burnt Our Effigy. Entrance is free, but you might need to pay to exit.

Update: The protest has been postponed because our Effigy Manufacturer is closed today to protest against the vandalism that occurred at their factory last week. This is an outrage!

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Outrage: A Survivor’s Guide to Recovery After Your Religious Sentiments Have Been Hurt

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