First, you need a catchy title. Quick: who comes to your mind when you think about innovation? Don’t get creative, just pick someone obvious … like Steve Jobs. Now take one of his famous quotes, let’s just say, “Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish,” and make that the title of your book. Easy, right? See, you’re already, as it were, “in business.” No innovation necessary!

Now we need some content. You could do original research, find people who have inspiring stories that have never been told before—people who have innovated, persevered and succeeded but somehow haven’t gotten publicity. But finding them would need you to innovate and persevere. Besides, we already know someone who could really use the publicity: you. So write about people who are already famous. The research is easier, the books sell better, and brand equity is contagious.

But choose your entrepreneur stories carefully; it is okay for stories to have a rough patch or two, but every story in your book must have a happy ending! Your goal is not to inform, but to inspire. Write lines like “You see, there is no such thing as a failed entrepreneur. You are a failed entrepreneur only when you quit. Until then, you are simply not successful… yet.” 

(Is such advice valid for everyone? Absolutely not! Should you, as a conscientious writer, include some stories of burn-outs, failures, unsustainable personal debt, stress-related diseases and workaholism-caused divorces? No! Leave those stories to some other author, and good luck to him trying to sell that book!)

Writing can be hard, but your book is only for the aam admi, yaar. The entrepreneurs in your books are real people with nuanced backgrounds, inner conflicts and human weaknesses—but you should just stereotype them: like the entrepreneur with an “absolutely typical middle-class background,” or the one who’s a “matter-of-fact” guy. This one is an “Army child”, that one is a “Delhi dude.” (No “Bombay Belles” or “Punjabi Puttars”, though; you don’t want to attract that kind of “crowd.”)

The easy way to defend yourself against all criticism of your writing is to say you prefer to write “desi style” (not that you could write any other style). When you write sentences like “he made a conscious decision to go abroad,” some readers might wonder if there exist people who end up going abroad unconsciously (“Really, I have no idea how the visa showed up in my passport!”) This is not bad writing; it is “desi style.” 

(Of course, every time someone like you defends intellectual laziness and sloppy writing as being “desi style,” they hurt India’s brand. But that’s only a problem for those crazy Indians who’d prefer “desi style” to mean excellence, elegance and thoughtfulness. You know, like the iPhone?)

Now comes the most important part: how to make money. If you’ve read your own book (optional) you know that the hardest job is to sell, so follow along closely now.

Indian youth are plentiful, impressionable, stressed and incessantly curious. Exploiting (or in MBA-speak, “monetizing”) their dreams, fears and insecurities about their careers is easy if you call yourself an expert. And so you should call yourself a “youth expert.” (“Look mom, finally an author who claims to be an expert about me!”) Don’t be shy; use the term everywhere, as if it means something. (As your fan-base ages, you can transform yourself into a “middle-aged person expert.”)

Eventually of course, readers will see through the charade. But by the time people (as Steve Jobs said) connect the dots, you should be selling your next book. In fact, why not call your next book, “Connect the dots”? Don’t work too hard, though; remember, we write not to inform, but to sell. And stay desi, stay sloppy—Steve Jobs would be proud.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

How to profit from innovation without innovating

The religious will tell you that you need to be spiritually advanced before you can learn anything from the Vedas. They will tell you that even if you spent a lifetime learning Sanskrit, you wouldn’t know it well enough to understand the Vedas, and most English translations of the Vedas have a sinister political agenda. Besides, they say, the real wisdom of the Vedas is hidden (ironic for a text that is supposed to be “revealed wisdom”); without a “real” guru you can’t possibly crack the code. And you need to be spiritually advanced before you can hope to recognize a real guru. (Criticize the religious all you want, but they had perfected circular reasoning long before science invented the wheel.)

The religious aren’t keen on you reading the Vedas because they know—or at least the few among them who’ve actually read the Vedas know—that you’re probably not going to find any new wisdom or concept in the Vedas; a thousand philosophers have already integrated most of the key Vedic ideas into modern philosophy. The religious would rather you not read the Vedas and think they contain earth-shattering revelations than to have you read them, be disappointed and write an “emperor has no clothes!” post on your ungodly blog.

The truth is, the Vedas don’t meet the needs of the religious as well as other, later Hindu texts do. The religious want two things from any holy book: prescriptions for life (they don’t have to be moral, correct or even logical; they just need to be prescriptions), and a justification for them to invent new prescriptions for other people to follow. The Koran offers clear directives for the religious (e.g. clear Earth of anyone who is irreligious and/or annoying); the Gita outlines four plausible-sounding paths to enlightenment (Bhakti Yoga is currently trending in the Indian Twitter community); the Bible gives you lots of ways to judge what other people do in their bedrooms; but the Rigveda … well, the Rigveda offers lots of oblations to Agni and Indra (both apparently took an extended sabbatical from Hinduism after their award-winning performances in the Rigveda).

(And the Samaveda is basically a remix of the Rigveda, the Yajurveda is a soporific encyclopedia of rituals, and the Atharvaveda … no spoilers here, but it’s not hard to guess which gender is favored by the Atharvaveda‘s “choose your baby’s sex” mantra (Puṁsavana Saṁskāra))

What the religious really love about the Vedas, what sends them into a tantric trance, is how old the Vedas are. The religious apparently believe that the older the Vedas, the easier their “fight” for religious supremacy—”The Rigveda is ten thousand years old you say? That’s it; I won’t ridicule you guys any more; sign me up for Hinduism! (Can I be a Brahmin, please?)” 

(Thought experiment: A thousand years from now, the Vedas will be a thousand years older. Will they then contain any more wisdom than they do now?)

Yes, all of the ambivalence the religious feel for the Vedas is justified; you probably shouldn’t be reading the Vedas as a holy book, as a book of answers, or as a book of spirituality. No—you should be reading the Vedas as something far simpler and deeper: as literature.

__

Let the religious obsess about the precise—i.e., Indian vs. European—zip-code of the authors of the Vedas; you should read the Vedas because they were written by a people who weren’t obsessed with zip-codes. (The Vedic authors seem to be the kind of people Thomas Friedman would love to write about.)

Let the religious bear the burden of proving the Vedas perfect; let them defend the terrible ideas that were first outlined in the Vedas. You should read the Vedas because they show us how we reached our current predicament, how we became a nation of religious people who lost all morality in a vulgar search for holiness; you should read the Vedas because they are the Gangotri of India’s social problems.

Let the religious claim that every language on Earth (except Tamil, of course) is an ugly derivative of Sanskrit; you should read the Vedas because Sanskrit is a beautiful language.

Let the religious search for the hidden meaning (“There must be! Something must be there!”) of the Vedas; you should read the Vedas for the Brahmandic atmosphere its poetry creates, because their authors felt that same honest, un-self-conscious wonderment at a universe as you do, because they had that same visceral reaction to the sun and water and wind as you do, because they loved nature the same way you do (except they probably had a lot more nature to love than you.)

Let the religious chant the Vedas on auto-pilot; you should read the Vedas because somewhere in them—in a place that the tone-deaf religious can never reach—is the reason we get goosebumps when we hear the komal re for the first time during an alaap of Raga Ahir Bhairav.

You should read the Vedas because they are deeply real, deeply flawed, and because they describe the first and perhaps the most genuine of human epiphanies: that there might be no answers, only beautiful questions.

“… But, after all, who knows, and who can say
Whence it all came, and how creation happened?
the gods themselves are later than creation,
so who knows truly whence it has arisen?
Whence all creation had its origin,
he, whether he fashioned it or whether he did not,
he, who surveys it all from highest heaven,
he knows – or maybe even he does not know.”

    —Nāsadīya Sūkta, 129th sūkta of the 10th mandala, Rigveda

__

P.S.: For all the “answers,” you will have to read the sequels to the Vedas: the Upanishads, which, like most sequels, ruin the mood by trying too hard to explain too much. Not surprisingly, the religious love the Upanishads.

P.P.S.: If you’re even moderately religious, you should read the Vedas as soon as possible, ideally before you get married—if you’re going to have a religious awakening, you’re better off having it now rather than ten years and two kids into a marriage. The sages say that ascending into the metaphysical plane and escaping the cycle of birth and death is much easier without your wife reminding you how much more fun you were in college, how you would have gotten that promotion if only you had marketed yourself better, and how she’d almost rather you had an affair (no, don’t try it; she’s just being dramatic.)

__

Epilogue:

If Mrs. Neo was worried when she saw Neo reading the Rigveda on the treadmill, she didn’t let it show. But when Neo took a day off from work to read, poor Mrs. Neo panicked. At dinner that night, she reminded Neo that it had been a long time since he had had a guys’ night out. It had been less than a week but Neo still took her up on the offer—anything to reassure Mrs. Neo that his sudden Vedic interests were not foreshadowing a mid-life crisis. 

As Neo sipped some yucky hipster-brand beer with the guys and tried to laugh along with their clichéd jokes—Neo would rather have a beer with Baba Ramdev than listen to jokes about him—Neo wondered: what would Mrs. Neo’s offer have been if Neo had not spent the day reading the Rigveda, but instead a certain other holy book of a Religion That Must Not Be Named? Perhaps Mrs. Neo would be scared enough to finally let Neo cash in that rain-check Neo got instead of his bachelor’s party? 

(Not that the bachelor’s party would be worth it.)

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Why you should read the Vedas, and why the religious will never understand them

After India’s World Cup win, I eagerly waited for your post; I was disappointed. I did see your tweet, “YAAAAAAYYYYY!” but I wish you had written something more evocative—something that captured how an Indian woman twitterer feels about the victory of a country her sisters literally gave birth to. Even if you felt more nocturnal than maternal, I would have loved to hear your perspective as an Indian woman post-world-cup-victory-party-goer.

Let me explain why this issue is dear to me. After my mother died, I resolved to keep my memory of her alive by educating young Indian women about their true identity as young Indian women. For International Women’s day, I wrote an essay titled, “Indian woman: life-giver or life-liver?” In my essay I argue that Indian women are not thinking enough about their Indian womanhood. I emailed it to all the women I know, but the person I wanted most  to read it was my nineteen-year-old niece, “B.”

B. is a smart young woman, but she spends all her time reading Richard Powers, Cormac McCarthy and Haruki Murakami. How is this going to help her become a modern Indian woman? When I called her up to discuss my essay, she said she had deleted my mail and emptied the trash, “by accident.” I sort of lost my temper and asked her directly if she knew what it meant to be an Indian woman—she giggled as if I were asking her to be my mother. She has no clue. She has no idea who she is.

And that’s why I’m writing to you: I know B. reads your blog. I beg you to inject more Indian womanhood in your writing. I understand that everyone cannot be Namesake like Jhumpa Lahiri, but is it too much to ask to add a little mandir in your jokes about the mind, a pretty mangalsutra around your insights about marriage? Can you not be a little less meta and be a little more meetha?

Please do consider my appeal. Otherwise, I fear the worst: that being an Indian woman will cease to mean anything more than being just a regular human being.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

As an Indian woman, how do you feel when you drink water?

Let me tell you in simple what is this religion and culture all about? It is nothing but the rules. In INDIA main thing is the decency. Little bit here and there is okay but American culture is too much over-hyped and is the biggest fake. From torrent you can get the real picture; daily the sex tapes are coming; what I am telling you, you must have seen and done everything in USA. Of course whatever they are doing, it is all from Kamasutra. But that is a different this one.

Caste system, women and all that issue that you are making hullabaloo about is very correct; I am not denying. But Aurobindo have already told full details on how to improve Hinduism, so this is nothing very new or very great. But now you see the Muslims; you must be reading. Generally they are killing! Tomorrow just they will come and take your wife or mother what you will do? 

So you just see from this side America is coming and from this side Muslims are coming. We will face it what to do. 

My main question to you is why such a great computer expert writing all this about INDIA instead of working. What kind of expert you are and whether you are even holding any degree? Even ordinary B.Com. graduate can think of INDIA better than you. First British people looted everything; so much poverty is there; mao people are there; still, somehow, INDIA has gone from here to there. We are coming up like anything so now you so-called NRIs are coming back like Britishers to loot again. 

And what more you American people want? Because of you first item numbers started; then gay thing started; AIDS is also too much now. WHAT MORE YOU WANT? We should just dance naked on the road or what? Just because you have the dollar and we have only rupee? 

I know why also. I am not so very good at Internet like you computer people but my eyes and ears are sharp. All these useless people are coming to your blog and Twitter and doing Neo Neo, which is just a natak and not a real this one, and you think what a great, fantastic achievement. But just think, how your wife must be feeling? Or she is also like you? I doubt. After all she is a woman. 

My advice would be you relax; if you take drinks then have something and just you think calmly about what is your problem. If there is some tension like marriage issue, finance issue, or some other personal problem whatever it is we can sort out. These are all small small things! Why you are taking it out on INDIA and writing nonsense about this, that and all? Better you yourself realize.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

That is a different this one

It was so flawlessly cruel that it would give you the goosebumps. They chose September so that the retreating monsoon winds would carry the radioactive particles southward; they used Plutonium-239 warheads because they are much lighter than Uranium-235 and so missiles could take them further; they spiked the warheads headed towards our major cities with Tritium because adding just a few grams of Tritium increases the yield of the explosion by 300%. 

No one saw it coming but everyone knew that it would be this way. They hadn’t built one hundred and ten nuclear bombs for deterrence; they had always been built for deliverance. 

It didn’t matter that our ballistic missile defense shield stopped nearly half of their missiles, that in retaliation we used nineteen nuclear warheads launched from Sukhoi Su 30MKIs, thirty-one submarine-launched Agni 3SL missiles and sixty-five Prithvi surface-to-surface missiles to destroy their moth-eaten cities, when a AA battery-operated hair dryer would probably have sufficed.

Their ideology survived. 

It didn’t matter that U.S. President John Boehner wept on live national TV, but it was huge on Twitter.

It didn’t matter that most of us had wasted our lives watching instead of living, defending instead of creating, trying to get a fuck instead of giving a fuck.

It didn’t matter that he died with his closet still unkempt, with three extra pounds of fat on his belly, and with the dining table still wobbly because his son had placed the screw-driver behind the bookshelf such that it could be seen but not reached.

He should have clicked on “Publish” instead of “Save.” 

We should have lived like we were dying.

*

After the bombing of Hiroshima, many people fled to Nagasaki, only to be killed by the second bomb. Ten people survived both explosions.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

We should have lived like we were dying

Not everyone agrees. Mrs. Neo nearly rejected Neo’s initial marriage proposal because she thought Neo wasn’t spontaneous enough; she feared that an “I’m feeling lucky” kind of girl like her wouldn’t be compatible with a “Google Calendar” kind of guy like Neo.

But even though spontaneity, like equality, is just the sort of thing that disappears the moment you try to achieve it, Neo assured Mrs. Neo that he’d work on it. And he worked so hard, and the results were so dramatic that Neo won the greatest endorsement a single man can ever get: Mrs. Neo’s closest girlfriend said, and this is the exact quote: “awww.” (Mrs. Neo’s girlfriends tend to talk in italics.)

Matrimony seemed as certain as President Hillary Clinton, except one day Neo carelessly left his Google Calendar open on his laptop, and Mrs. Neo discovered that every alternate Thursday was “surprise romantic lunch” day; that their “spur of the moment” trip to the Caribbean was planned three months in advance; that you could get Neo to make reservations for a first-date anniversary dinner on the wrong day simply by modifying the entry in his Google Calendar.

Mrs. Neo was disappointed in a “you’ll never get it” sort of way, but she still agreed to marry Neo, ironically, “after much thinking.”  What married folks know and single folks don’t, is that Persistence eats Spontaneity’s lunch every single day, day after day. Persistence is like science—it works even if you don’t believe in it.

(Speaking of marriage and irony, dear Alanis Morisette, “rain on your wedding day” is just bad luck, not ironic. Rain on your wedding day would be ironic if you were marrying a drought-protection insurance salesman for his money; a “no-smoking sign on your cigarette break” would be ironic if you were taking a break from making no-smoking signs. About the only thing ironic about Ironic is its title.) 

Neo does understand the argument for spontaneity: that there is a fundamental truth in spontaneity because it comes directly from instinct, from your subconscious—a place unsullied by the scheming agenda of your conscious mind; the place where you somehow choose Coke over Pepsi; the place that tells you to cross the street when a black(er) man approaches; the place where, if you listen closely, you can even hear the call of Allah … yes, you can already see Neo’s argument against this reverence of spontaneity. 

As Neo writes this (in Google Docs on his new Google Chrome notebook), he spies Mrs. Neo reading the Wikipedia entry on  Asperger’s syndrome. Apparently people with Asperger’s Syndrome have a high need for routine: they like events to be scheduled; they prefer to eat the same thing every day for breakfast; they get anxious with any sudden change of plans. Mrs. Neo’s Internet-diagnosis of Neo’s condition is wrong, because Neo’s just written an entire blog post about what Mrs. Neo is reading, just like that, on the spur of the moment. 

Not that Neo would ever publish anything that he wrote on the spur of the moment—every honest writer knows that it is only after the third draft that your words start to look spontaneous. 

*

P.S.: Google has not yet responded to Neo’s request to implement a “randomly recurring reminder” in Google Calendar.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Can you really get up one fine morning and decide to be spontaneous?

Because if it were, Mr. President, you’d already be reading a snarky comment about how the best way for India to get more respect from the U.S. is to either become a radical Islamic country that threatens American lives, or a communist oligarchy that threatens the American economy. We’d have such a compelling start to our open letter, you’d never guess our real problem: we don’t really want your respect, we want our respect.

Just as homophobia is a cover for latent homosexuality and religious piety for latent immorality, our shrill demands for respect are actually overcompensation for our own self-loathing. Maybe the U.N. security council permanent membership will help raise our self-esteem. Or maybe our problems are intractable. Maybe what makes India India is what makes India India. But it would be nice if we could, for once, be India.

You’d probably see right through our non-sequiturs, but Indian nationalists and right-wingers would retweet, like, digg, buzz and salivate at our open letter. They would never realize that every time they gaudily thump their patriotic chests, they betray their deepest fear: the fear that they do not respect India. Unfortunately for them, self-respect cannot be demanded; it must also be earned. But that is a discussion between them and their therapists.

We wouldn’t want to waste your time though, so we’d quickly move on to our next point: the U.S.—especially under a black president like you—should do more to curb racist attacks against Indian expatriates. We’d highlight only the cases where we need your help, i.e. against the white man, because we don’t need help in dealing with negroes, yellows, pakis and darker-skinned fellow Indians.

Somewhere in the middle of the open letter we’d compliment your use of Indian expressions such as “Jai Hind” during your speech to the Indian parliament, while hinting that dropping a Hindi phrase or two doesn’t alleviate our respect-anxiety. We wouldn’t bring up the fact that the English language and American culture are annihilating Indian traditions, because that—much like the American voter, apparently—is beyond your control. If Indian languages are being supplanted by English, it is because selfish Indian parents value the economic prosperity, global compatibility and future prospects of their children more than their duty to preserve Indian languages.

But Mr. President, the situation has become so bad that an English-language Indian author, best known for his award-winning open letter to the Chinese premiere, was forced to write an entire column lamenting the fact that, like the white tiger, the Kannada language is becoming extinct. You can read more about it on his Kannada blog titled, “Error 404. This blog does not exist.”

[It’s not all bad news, though. Cultural preservation is a numbers game, so for now we are using Indian taxpayer money to teach large numbers of poor kids in local Indian languages. The poor “verni” rascals will probably forever be at a disadvantage versus their rich, English-educated fellow citizens who will go on to become globe-trotting NRIs, but hey, someone has to preserve our languages. Also, how else would award-winning Indian authors get that warm, “awww this reminds me of my grandmother’s cooking” muse-y feeling when they visit India every six years (or whenever Singapore Airlines is running a special deal)?]

And finally, no open letter (and no U.S. President’s speech in India) would be complete without a reference to Gandhi. Just like your speechwriters, we’d have to search Wikipedia for an insightful thing to say about Gandhi; we barely remember the Gandhian philosophies they tried to drill into us at school. Thankfully most of us quickly recovered, or we’d never be able to succeed in corporate India, board a local train, watch TV, or use Microsoft Word. Those of us who didn’t recover spend their lives requesting their panchayat to grant them additional water rations. In perfect Kannada, of course.

We’d probably end with an obviously ironic line such as “Respectfully yours”. Or maybe we’d make a quip about about the United Nations being the best representative of our planet’s disunity. And we’d probably need an unexpected postscript too, where we saved the best for the last. You’d never guess that we chickened out from the hardest part of the open letter—where we define who “we” are. The truth is, there’s no “we” any more. Perhaps that’s what makes India India.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

This is not an open letter to President Obama

Got you to click! So now you already know that funny sells. Here’s how you can be funny and build a large following of LOLing retweeters:

You should try sexual humor before anything else in this guide. Sexual humor is guaranteed to get you lots of followers; it doesn’t require you to be aware of anything that’s happening in the world (only your own body); and, with some practice, sexual humor will become so easy you can do it with one hand in your … pocket.

(Swearing helps too. Are we giving away too much in this guide? Shit.)

Men need to be more careful than women with sexual humor. Stray away from cute and into creepy territory—and even men who have been married for years find it hard to tell the difference—and you scare away your only valuable group of followers: women.

No, it is perhaps safer for men to make fun of bulbs. A “bulb” is anyone who allows his sex drive or need for attention to become more obvious than yours. There are ready-made Twitter lists of bulbs for your snarking pleasure, or just look for people who reply to the women tweeting sexual humor. Making fun of a bulb is the best way to communicate to women that you are not a bulb.

Originality, schmoriginality. By the time you think of something original, the meme will be behind you; no one told you when to run. As long as your followers first heard it from you, it’s original to them! So copy, but in an inspired way; take the tweet (or style) of an under-followed genius and transform it into a blog post or a graphic—the originator of the idea doesn’t lose anything, and you gain. It’s not a win-win, it’s a draw-win. So get drawing, and tell the genius to stop whining.

Never show that you care. On any important issue, imagine what the leader of the “National Don’t Care” political party would say; tweet that; it’s probably funny for many. Caring is like kryptonite to your Twitter follower count. Leave honest tweeting to the unfunny newbies regaling their three followers with their “genuine” tweets.

Most important: pillory celebrities; celebrities deserve it because they are talentless people who will do anything, mimic anyone and espouse any view just to get the attention of a few more people. And what could be more hilarious?

*

P.S.: Stop making fun of a celebrity once they start following you. Clearly that specific celebrity has taste.

P.P.S.: Never make fun of a Twitter humorist with more followers than you. Religiously retweet them, regardless of quality. They notice. And one mention or #ff from them will make you popular so you can write your own advice on how to be funny on Twitter.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

How to be funny on Twitter

(Contents of the blog techieguy4u.blogspot.com)

September 3rd, 2021

This year Ganpati is only twenty-nine days long. The house is fully stocked up—as usual Reshma forced me to get enough food to last us three Ganpatis—the armed guards are patrolling outside, and the flags have been installed. Now I intend to relax and use these holidays well by updating my blog regularly, which, as all three readers of this blog know, has been neglected for too long.

September 4th, 2021

The libertarians are full of crap. I totally support the government’s Electronic Ganpati Donation Yojana. The current system sucks. Just an ArmoredTaxiCab to the HHS tower in downtown costs Rs. 10,000. Then you wait in line for hours, submit your income statement, then wait again while they calculate your donation, and finally you pay them—in cash. If the minimum contribution rates change while you’re waiting, too bad—off you go to the ATM to withdraw some more money. Why ? This is 2021! Just take it out of our paycheck every month like every other tax, and mail us the arm-bands and the flags!

September 11th, 2021

This is my blog and I can show off. I love my sound-proofing. I’m sitting back and listening to Himesh classics, and I cannot hear even one sound from the outside.

There is another advantage to buying good sound-proofing—one that pays for itself. Instead of buying the expensive Chinese power generator which need proprietary atomic-packs, I got the cheap American one that runs on ordinary sewer-slud. Yes the American generator is noisy, but … yep, you guessed it: I have sound-proofing! Do the math, matafockers.

September 13th, 2021

Reshma is angry. She brought up the topic of my job with ChinaCom again, and I just said, and these are my exact words, “let’s discuss it after our cabin fever ends.” Is that being provocative ? Well, two hours later, we were still “discussing” whether I was being provocative. See this is the worst of both worlds: a heated debate that ruins the atmosphere, and we haven’t even discussed the main issue.

Look: I’m a techie, not a political activist. I love working on Microsoft Satellite technology. ChinaCom is merely selling this technology to DisasterTV. (And because this is a private blog, I can let you in on a secret. Microsoft Satellite 3.0 lets you live-zoom to any place on earth with a resolution of 3 inches. Just imagine, you can watch a cricket game from your satellite feed! Not that you cheapsters could afford it.)

Yes, I subscribe to DisasterTV, not because I love watching LiveStreamed violence coverage, but because they are the best way to find out where the violence is occurring. How does that make me a villain? 3.1 billion people subscribe to DisasterTV—how will my unsubscribing do anything other than make me less informed? And for the last time, ChinaCom is a technology provider, not a media company.

September 19th, 2021

Okay, there’s been some trouble. There was some shooting outside the house—nothing that the armed guards couldn’t handle. But our flags are missing; the guards said that as per their contract, they cannot guard any house without a flag. I’m trying to negotiate with them, but they are not budging. Going out to HHS now and getting a new flag is impossible: the Army is not letting any traffic into the Ganpati Zone south from Bandra. Has anyone used WiproSys Security before? What should I do? Any help will be appreciated.

September 21st, 2021

DisasterTV is showing reports of HHS trucks bulldozing houses that don’t have flags! We’re panicking here. I called up the police to ask for help; they said they would send a jeep. I don’t know what else to do. The guards are missing!

I think I’m going to wait outside so that the police jeep doesn’t miss our house.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Ganpati celebrations

It was always going to be hard for Neo to convince Mrs. Neo of his marriage-readiness, but it would have been quicker had Mrs. Neo made Neo take the following test:

1. Write a snark-free essay on two of the following (3000+ words):
   1. My dad (your would-be father-in-law)
   2. Your emotions right now
   3. Foreplay
2. Describe the appearance of your ideal woman, starting with her shoes. Actually, just the shoes—the rest, I know.
3. Critique the outfits I wore on our last 7 dates (skip the 3rd and 5th most recent dates; add more detail about the 6th.)
4. Write a hypothetical conversation between you and any one of my girl-friends, where she will find you cute, endearing, sexy, funny and attractive, but not flirty; she should feel herself attracted to you, while realizing that she is definitely not your type.
5. Draw a dinner fork, a teaspoon and a tablespoon. To scale.
6. List (all questions compulsory):
   1. 10 colors that are not in the rainbow, or in a box of crayons.
   2. 10 things you can do that my mom will find cute (bonus points for listing things that I haven’t told you).
   3. All our anniversaries and important days (use additional sheets if necessary).
   4. All festivals when you are not permitted to discuss religion, or give any variant of your “how 99% of the world’s religions are already extinct” speech.
   5. 10 friends—besides members of your “band”—that you think you will need to phase out of your life, once we’re married. (Do not include friends that have already been phased out.)
7. Write the last joke you will ever make about my brother’s writing, clothing or preference for drinking warm water.
8. Describe your favorite book of all time, and discuss how it could be improved to match Gone With The Wind.
9. Describe in brief all your ex-girlfriends. Attach their pictures. All the pictures. And gifts, etc. Basically everything that’s in “the box.” Just attach the whole box.
10. Under what circumstances are you permitted to lie to me ? (One word or less.)

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

The Marriage Aptitude Test

Respected Mr. Damodaran,

As part of my neighborly endeavor to convince your kind self that your dog is the creator of the “doo doo” deposited frequently outside my front door, I have attached to this letter a set of nine photographs, one video and ten slides of my proposed presentation at the Society Meeting, tentatively titled: “Damodaran’s Doggie Doing Doo Doo.”

(I deeply regret my use of certain less polite euphemisms than “doo doo” during our recent discussion in the hallway. I’ve been in a foul mood since this morning when my day started, somewhat literally, on the wrong foot.)

Sir, please be advised that, after hearing the contours of your defense against these allegations, I now intend to call on a new witness—the maid known as “Ratnamma”, better known as the lady who cleans the hallways. Ratnamma has developed a reputation of being quite the canine expert—you might recall the decisive role she played in the Mrs. Bakshi vs. Pack Of Stray Dogs incident during Holi.

Ratnamma will testify that:

1. The dog in the video recorded at my front door (time 0:10 to 0:53) is your dog; that his manner and posture suggests that he was about to powder his nose; that he would have done so had I not, in my enthusiasm to secure a good angle for my video, startled him.
2. The color and texture of the deposits found at my doorstep (refer to pictures #1, #2, #3, #4, #5—all taken on successive days last week) are identical to the deposits left by your dog elsewhere in our building (refer to pictures #6, #7—showing your dog along with his generous donation to our building’s strategic manure reserves.)

Sir I do respect that it is still your contention that a stray dog bearing an uncanny resemblance to your dog is responsible for these actions, but I would submit to your fair judgment that your position is looking increasingly untenable, for the evidence is mounting. Consider: there were no untoward incidents during the entire week that your family spent in Tirupati—it is hard to imagine that the alleged stray dog modified his restroom arrangements on the basis of your travel itinerary.

Damodaran-ji, while I have your kind attention, I would like to bring to your notice another issue. As per the de facto routine established over the past year, your respected mother blows her conch shell every day at roughly 8:01 a.m. Sir, lately this aforementioned schedule appears to have changed. For instance, today the conch shell was sounded at 5:30 a.m., 5:33 a.m., 5:36 a.m., 5:43 a.m. and 5:48 a.m. If there has been a change in your mother’s prayer strategy, do let me know. Furthermore, at 6:01 a.m. today there was a new and hitherto unheard sound; while my wife is of the opinion that it was someone shouting “Govinda” at the top of their voice, my son remains undecided—he feels that it could have either been your mother trying to scare away a rapidly approaching Godzilla, or vice versa.

Finally, please allow me to express my sympathy for the harrowing morning you had on Sunday, when some rogue locked you in your own house by affixing a Godrej Navtal lock to your front door. The dastardly act was certainly not easy—the exterior bolt is designed to prevent this sort of mischief, and so the vandal needed to loosen the screws, relocate the exterior bolt and then affix the lock. One wonders why the country is in such a bad shape when we seem to have no dearth of innovation, talent, patience and dexterity when it comes to crime.

Sir let me put an end to the vicious rumors: my wife and I did not deliberately ignore your pleas for help as we left the building for our jog that fateful morning. We failed to notice your shouts—and the conch shell—because we, like most people in your immediate neighborhood, have grown rather immune to any loud sound emanating from your premises.

I was especially saddened to learn from Ratnamma that, perhaps due to his long and unplanned incarceration until the locksmith arrived, your dog was forced to perform his doggie duties within the confines of your house. I can’t even begin to imagine the stench, because I already know how bad it is.

I hope that with this letter I have clarified my position on the various obstacles that stand in the way of normalizing the bonds of neighborly brotherhood between our respective households. I now look forward to your esteemed presence in the Society Meeting tonight at 7 p.m. in the club house, assuming that by then—and here I refer you to photos #8 and #9—Ratnamma has cleaned the shit therein.

Sincerely,

Neo

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Letter writing, and other polite ways to deal with crap

You didn’t cry when you were born; you just looked around the room with an expression that said, “Brighter than I expected, but whatever. Are all nurses this good-looking ? Why are y’all staring at me ? Shock laga kya?” You were Definitely Male, Born Tough, Like.No.Other. – The Best A Man Can Get. So, dearest son, I’m writing you this letter to give you some Ideas For Life, to Make Tomorrow Brighter.

Right now, Life’s Good, and you’ve learned to Express Yourself nicely; you must also become a good listener and a voracious reader, because an Idea Can Change Your Life, as long as you’re good at Applying Thought.

Travel. It will help you become you the Complete Man. Make It Large while you’re still single. Get a Taste of India and experience the King of Good Times. Once you get married – and especially if or after you have kids – your life will be like, Fill it, Shut it and Forget it.

Approximately one out of every ten people is gay. However you’re wired, it’s not weird. You might even change your mind after you grow up – There’s Nothing Official About It. Whichever gender you’re attracted to, No Confusion, Great Combination.

Marry someone only when you feel you’re Made For Each Other. Make sure your partner shares your passions and is physically fit – Taste bhi, health bhi – because the Axe Effect wears off, and no one can be Gorgeous Hamesha. Have an inexpensive wedding – the money you spend on A Diamond Is Forever.

Like me, you will probably grow up to hate your extended family. They’re like, Wherever You Go, Our Network Follows; It’s Everywhere You Want To Be. But they will let you Drive Your Way after they realize that you keep Going and Going and Going. So Simplifly, Reclaim Your Life and Just Do It, Because You’re Worth It.

Thanks to our Indian genes, I will most likely die of heart failure. I hope that I die while I’m still healthy, because I hate medicines – Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop. And after I’m gone, I hope this letter will remind you: the most important thing in life is to Think Hatke – because the only thing that is truly Utterly Butterly Delicious is irony.

Is It In You ? I know that it is. Profit From It.

-Dad

PS: I might have led you to believe that I’m A Complan Boy, but you’re now ready for the truth: Boost was always the Secret Of My Energy. (Don’t tell your mom; I’m not yet ready to Taste The Thunder.)

*

Inspired, sort of, by this, and by many hashtags on Twitter.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

An important letter to my son, written during commercial breaks on TV

If you’ve just arrived from the US to attend a traditional Hindu wedding in India, you might be jet-lagged – but that’s not necessarily bad. While the other wedding guests groggily arrive at the wedding venue at 4 a.m., it will be late afternoon according to your body clock – the perfect time to enjoy the spectacular Hindu wedding shown in the movie “Hum Aapke Hai Kaun”, available in your hotel room upon request.

You have plenty of time to finish the movie and then head to the wedding, because a real-life, traditional Hindu wedding is much longer than Hum Aapke Hai Kaun, and – for the bride and groom at least – much more painful. The undocumented and real purpose of the traditional Hindu wedding ceremony, dear foreigner, is to imprint two critical words into the minds of the bride and groom: never again.

The ceremony

At first glance, the entire wedding ceremony might seem like a meaningless ritual – but, after the seventh or eighth glance, you will realize that the seemingly meaningless ritual is poignantly symbolic of the meaninglessness of life in general.

No, there might be a deeper meaning (to the ritual). For instance, the groom adds a thousand blades of grass – one at a time, the priest is watching! – into the holy fire (agni); this could symbolize the groom’s ability and willingness to do (karma) a boring cubicle-farm job and earn a good income (artha). The bride changes her saree once every nine minutes, while the groom waits patiently; this could symbolize a shopping marathon (retail therapy).

During the wedding, do not be alarmed if an elderly person tells you to, “See, see!” This doesn’t mean that they are offended to see you reading this guide instead of watching the wedding ceremony. In this context, “See, see!” translates to, “See beta [son], if you decide to get married you can also have such a wonderful marriage [wedding].” In response, you should say, “:)”.

You could look up the various individual rituals – kanyaa daan, saptapadi, etc. – that comprise a Hindu wedding on Wikipedia, but it wouldn’t be helpful, because the priest who is conducting the wedding ceremony is probably doing something totally different, because he hasn’t read the Wikipedia page.

The wedding ceremony – like most other important events in the life of an Indian youngster – is designed to please the family elders. Even then, things can, and do go wrong. It is not uncommon for an elder, usually from the groom’s party, to complain that the wedding ceremony did not meet their requirements, because the priest failed to conduct such-and-such ritual. Such criticism is usually answered by another equal-but-opposite elder, usually from the bride’s party, who retorts that such-and-such ritual is only performed by people belonging to so-and-so caste, which is a so-so caste.

And so it goes.

Etiquette

It is best to watch the ceremony from a safe distance. To verify that you are at a safe distance, look at the feet of the people around you – if you’re the only one wearing shoes, you are probably standing in the sacred mandap, which is the canopy-covered area in the room (look up).

Even though most weddings are now held indoors, the mandap is canopy-covered because Hindu weddings are traditionally supposed to be held outdoors. However, even if the wedding were being held outdoors, you still wouldn’t be allowed to wear your shoes in the mandap. Basically, what we’re trying to say is, taking off your shoes increases the number of places you can safely visit in a Hindu wedding – if you’re willing to take off your shirt, you could probably sit right next to the priest.

If rice is offered to you, examine it carefully – if it is cooked, you should eat it; if it is raw, use it to shower blessings on the couple when everyone else is doing so. You should also bless all those who prostrate themselves in front of you. Bless them profusely for 10-20 seconds; after that, if they are still prostrate, yell for a doctor.

Oh, and that isn’t a vuvuzela – it’s a shehnai, or perhaps a nadaswaram. The shehnai and the nadaswaram are completely different just like Hindi and Urdu are – which means that they are exactly the same, but you can offend people by confusing the two.

Finally

This guide is only an introduction; there are many other important pieces of etiquette you will need to be aware of – ask the nearest elder. Also, we haven’t addressed the elephant in the room, but that’s because the elephant is usually left outside the room.

After you attend a traditional Hindu wedding, you might still prefer the “Hum Aapke Hai Kaun”-style wedding. It is just a matter of taste – there is no such thing as a right or wrong taste, just good or bad taste.

If you liked the wedding you saw, there’s good news – you don’t need to be Hindu for you to be permitted a Hindu wedding. You could probably have a Hindu wedding just because you love the ceremony (and because you love your would-be spouse) – lots of Indian people will be more than happy to not just attend, but also to help organize your wedding. Just make sure you tell the single guests at your wedding what it means when an elder tells them to, “See, see!”

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

A foreigner’s guide to traditional Hindu weddings

One year ago, I spent an entire night dreaming that I was a giant fly. When I awoke, I was startled to discover that I was myself. I decided that this was a vision, and asked my Guruji (from Better Living through Conscious Snoring) what I should do with it.

Guruji told me to stop depending on other people to tell me what to do, become an entrepreneur, and document my journey and daily achievements in a journal.

This is the journal:

Day 1

• After much contemplation, I have decided to stop depending on other people to tell me what to do, become an entrepreneur and document my journey and daily achievements in this journal.
• Changed my LinkedIn title from “Project manager” to “Technology Guru/Entrepreneur/Evangelist in Social/Mobile Web, Biotech, Digital Media, Internet Gaming, and Other Related Technologies.”
• Created a blog and twitter account to chronicle my entrepreneurial journey.

Day 2

• It’s hard to think of cool ideas for a web-based business during a meeting, but it’s easy if you know Conscious Snoring – Guruji taught me how to keep it quiet and do it without anyone noticing.
• Idea 1: It’s just like Twitter, except everyone’s pretending to be someone they’re not! Users can pretend to be a foreign-policy expert, a comic, a hipster, or even an entrepreneur! The addictive nature of Twitter + the excitement of a game = I’d use it.
• Idea 1b: The same concept could be applied to make a LinkedIn clone too.

Day 3

• Read two fascinating articles, “Strategy: The Execution Trap”, and “How Rebranders Unleash Innovation On The Frontline.”

Day 4

• Posted my first two blog entries: “Rebranding: The Strategy Trap”, and “Execution On The Frontlines of Innovation.”

Day 5

• Got five comments on my blog today. It’s nice to see so much interest in my journey. I feel good.
• New post: “Emerging trends in Indian technology for 2010: Mobile phones.”
• Finding .com domain names is hard.

Day 20

• Finally found and registered an awesome domain name: indeaspace.com - it’s a play on “idea space” and “India”. I might need to rework my business plan a little to fit the domain name.
• Attended TEDx. Amazing to have one in southern Ulhasnagar! Met several fellow entrepreneurs, and pitched my idea to a couple of them.
• At TEDx, I managed to hand out all two hundred Conscious Snoring brochures. Guruji was thrilled.
• What exactly does it mean when people say “worked with five Fortune 500 companies?”
• I’ve never liked the About page of my blog – not punchy enough. I hired a professional freelance business writer to write a better one for me. I hope it’ll be worth the money.

Day 25

• I finally launched indeaspace.com, and announced it on my Facebook, Twitter and blog. Emailed everyone I knew. Five subscribers so far. Not much, but exciting times!
• Created my own account on indeaspace. I’ve decided to pretend to be an author and also an expert on relationships.
• My blog post on “10 blogs entrepreneurs must visit” was linked from IndianStartups.com. Huge traffic spike!
• I visited the Sony office to evaluate their new laptop; I must have interacted with people from up to twenty Fortune 500 companies right there. I’m also realizing that there’s all these Fortune 500 people I’ve met at the Ashram. Sent all this to my bio writer.

Day 28

• Traffic to indeaspace.com is growing slower than expected, plus I’m getting a lot of spam. Not nice.
• I got interviewed today by IndiStart, a well-known Indian podcast dedicated to startups. Lots of interesting questions from other entrepreneurs!
• I’ve started a new series on my blog, “My Vision of India in 2020.” (Thought the title was funny: 20/20)
• Created my matrimonial profile on shaady.com to keep my parents quiet for a while. I decided to show some of my humor and flirty skills on my profile: “I’m thirty-six! Do you know the significance of this age ? You have to wait to be thirty-six before you can legally marry a girl half your age! LOL.”

Day 45

• AWESOME, awesome, awesome: WindyBook Publishers called me up today. They want me to write a book about my experiences!! He said there was a huge market for entrepreneurial stories.
• As an entrepreneur, I’ve realized: nothing sells more than the dream of entrepreneurship.
• Also, the freelancer finished my bio. It looks awesome. Got lots of positive feedback. One person said it looked as good as Chetan Bhagat’s bio.

Day 62

• I’ve put indeaspace.com on the back-burner for now. Between the long Conscious Snoring – where I am now a Senior Disciple – sessions, writing the book, and my blog, there is very little time left to work on indeaspace.

Day 97

• My book, “Metamorphosis: How I Transformed Myself Into an Entrepreneur”, was released – 20,000 copies sold in one month. Epic. Win.
• Guruji says I owe him royalty. My fiancee is already picking out houses. I’d love to pay Guruji, but I can’t break the heart of an eighteen-year old.
• Changed my LinkedIn title to “Entrepreneur, best-selling author and strategy consultant.”

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

The unpublished journal of a successful entrepreneur

Several years ago, during a party at his house in the US, Neo decided to have some fun. He convinced a couple of his white guests to hop on one foot, because that was a customary Indian way to thank the host for a great party. For once, Mrs. Neo found it funny too, except for the part where Neo overwrote 30% of Neo Jr’s “first birthday” mini DV tape to record the festivities.

What does this prank have to do with racism ? Probably not much, but that’s because Neo isn’t a True Expert on Racism. The True Experts on Racism are those who outrage whenever – these days it seems every week – a white American magazine columnist (yes, magazines – remember ?) writes anything unflattering about Indians in the US.

After last week’s outrage, Neo convinced a crack team of journalists to take time off from crack and interview the Experts to gain their views on racism, intolerance, bigotry, stereotyping, entitlement and ignorance.

Here are some excellent and exemplary excerpts from the experienced Experts:

1. “I hate it when they stereotype Indians, as if we were all the same. These typical, beer-drinking, baseball-watching, stereotype-loving, cereal-eating, laid-off white people between the ages of 25-40 – all of them love to read brown-bashing articles. Bigots, all of them!” (This may or may not be from a famous – and famously modest - Indian blogger called “GreatBlogger.”)
2. “It’s just because we are Indians. I mean, Indians are the most tolerant people on the planet. How dare anyone make fun of us, or suggest that we are somehow unwelcome? My blood is boiling with rage! I’m not advocating violence, or suggesting that anyone be fired, of course. But, …”
3. “Americans seem unwilling to assimilate. It’s almost as if they cared about their own culture more than ours! Why do they complain about the changes we cause in their neighborhoods ? It’s ridiculous for anyone to cling to an obsolete culture that exists only in their nostalgic memories!”
4. “You know, whenever I have to take the Holland tunnel to attend a desi concert, I start thinking about racial segregation.”
5. “Why don’t white people seem to like me ? I’m so much like them! Hey, did you say neo’s-paper, or newspaper ? Is this some sort of a joke ?”
6. “You see, as I keep telling my son, who is holding a very high post at Intel in the Bay Area for past several years, these Americans have no culture! Most ungracious people.”
7. “Why should it be so hard to get a visa, and why are the rules so strict ? It’s almost as if the Americans have decided that they have the right to pick and choose who gets to immigrate to the U.S. That’s racist, right ?”
8. “Indians have a history of being open to everyone. Even in my hometown of Pune, you will see these kalias, heh, I mean, Africans, roam around freely on their bikes. I don’t mind as long as they don’t try to force my kids into drugs.”
9. “Write your blog post so that white Americans feel bad about the situation. Try to include some comparisons with Jewish people. Or at least Blacks.”
10. “As a writer at SepoyBrown.com, my mantra is: Never attribute to stupidity that which can be adequately explained by racism.”

You knew there was going to be a quiz at the end of this, and here it is. Write a 1000-word article on why you think the white guy in the video below is being racist, although he does not appear to be between the ages of 25 and 40.

PS: The crack team of journalists also asked the Experts about persecution complexes. They replied, “That’s nonsense. I think you need to stop drinking the kool-aid!”. Every single Expert said that.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

A beginner’s guide to understanding racism, intolerance and bigotry

Neo’s return to India was planned somewhat better than the U.S. invasion of Iraq; his Plan was the product of several months of vigorous lurking on the Return to India forums, hours of detailed discussions with his parents in India, and had been vigorously debated, modified, and then finally adopted by the Neos via a unanimous voice vote.

Here’s an excerpt from Volume 3, Page 304 of the Plan:

“Safety clause #9: It will be largely unnecessary for Mrs. Neo to drive in India, at least initially, because:

1. Mrs. Neo has never driven any vehicle in India, ever – all of her driving experience has been on the wrong side of the road, and on the wrong side of the Pacific.
2. Neo’s parents have already hired a reliable driver, one Mr. Venkatesh, who is licensed, able and willing to drive the Neos wherever they wish.
3. On the six out of every seven days that Mr. Venkatesh is unable or unwilling to attend to his duties on account of “religious function at house saar,” Neo (who has several years of automobile driving experience in India), will be able and willing to drive the Neos wherever they wish.”

And so, naturally, 30 minutes after their arrival in India, Neo found himself in a car driven by Mrs. Neo, and Neo’s heart found itself undergoing its first stress-test.

It was one of those “Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto” moments – yes, Pluto’s not even a planet but that’s sort of the point - that make married life such a lucrative subject for authors of self-help books; while Neo was looking forward to his freedom from driving, Mrs. Neo wanted freedom from the driver. (And also, apparently, from the Plan that she had co-authored.)

“I don’t know why you make such a big deal out of driving,” said Mrs. Neo, as the car parted a sea of two-wheeler drivers much like Moses might have, narrowly missed a watermelon cart, and went over a bump that felt like it was a living being.

For the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of what happens on Indian roads:

1. If you are a pedestrian, you could get hit by a two-wheeler or a car.
2. If you drive a two-wheeler, you could get hit by a car.
3. If you drive a car, you could get hit by the driver of a two-wheeler - in this specific case, an old man whose motorcycle had nearly been forced off the road and into a ditch, thanks to a sudden attempt by Mrs. Neo to avoid a harmless pothole.

The old man was more shaken than angry, and so Neo decided that he would step out of the car to help the man back onto his motorcycle, and perhaps even apologize. At that very moment, Pluto decided to exert its meager, but influential, gravitational pull – Mrs. Neo decided to step on the gas and speed away, leaving behind not just the dusty old man, but also very nearly one of Neo’s feet that was still on the road.

How should this incident shape the Neos’ future transportation strategy in India? Here are your two broad options.

1. This incident is solid evidence that any deviation from the Plan is costly, and that Mrs. Neo should henceforth find other, less exciting avenues for exercising her freedom, OR
2. This incident is solid evidence of Mrs. Neo’s superior temperament for Indian conditions, because she made the right decision to quickly leave the scene, preventing what could have been a very nasty altercation between Neo and the old man. Hence, if anything, this incident proves that Mrs. Neo should start driving regularly and immediately.

If you took more than even a moment to decide which of the above should apply, you know which planet, or rather, which erratic rock circling the solar system smiles on you.

*

Epilogue:

1. As Neo pulled his foot back into the rapidly speeding Neomobile, he looked back and saw that the old man had noticed Neo’s attempts to get out of the car, and had a half-smile on his face, as if he understood Neo’s predicament; it was a smile that brought some closure and peace to Neo.

2. The driving expedition ended without further incident; Neo was relieved when Mrs. Neo used the car’s turn indicator to signal the last turn before they would reach their destination (Big Bazaar). Except, instead of the turn indicator, Mrs. Neo had turned on the windshield wiper as usual, because the turn indicator is on the other side of the steering wheel in an Indian car.

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto

Neo likes to believe that his NRI friends are eager to visit Neo because they love to listen to his “Thoughts on Critical Issues that Really Matter” speech, the same speech that Neo has prepared in case he gets invited to TED.

The reality is, they visit to see how much the Neos have progressed towards pulling off the greatest Indian parenting achievement – raising a child with the perfect blend of Indian values and Western achievement.

Neo Jr could very well become that child. But right now, the only thing perfectly blended in Neo Jr’s life is his favorite milkshake (strawberry/banana).

So out of a small sense of guilt and a large sense of needing something to do during the half-time of the soccer game, Neo decided to study Indian values. Here’s a quick overview of his several minutes of intensive study:

1. Respect your elders

Unlike other cultures that may or may not promote selling the body parts of elderly people, Indian culture emphasizes Respect for Elders. Elderly people will have typically sacrificed a lot of the stuff that would have made them happy just so that you can be happy. And hence, you must now sacrifice most of what would make you happy in order to make them happy. This sort of circular ponzi logic might not make any sense to you, but don’t worry – when you become Elderly, it won’t make any sense to your kids either.

2. Focus on education

Having a strong educational background will make you a thoughtful, knowledgeable and articulate person; these attributes will enable you to clearly express your outrage when you realize that uneducated people have amassed egregious amounts of wealth and power while you have been busy amassing an egregious amount of educational debt.

3. Be family-oriented

Families are a critical Indian value, and you must study them in great detail: mostly by asking probing questions whenever you meet people with families. After intensive study, you will realize that many Indian families are actually severely dysfunctional, and you will naturally decide that you want to put off starting your own family for as long as possible. Once you decide this, you should start a family immediately, because it makes Elderly people happy.

4. Trust in the institution of marriage

As far as possible, get an arranged marriage. The main advantage of an arranged marriage is that a marriage that starts with near-zero love can only get better. If your marriage doesn’t get better over time, you should be ashamed because you really need to stop thinking about yourself and focus on your kids now.

5. Sacrifice

Life offers you a series of choices. The Indian Value of sacrifice helps you to make the right choices, so you feel you did everything you could when you finally realize that for the most important things in life, you really had no choice.

There are two steps to sacrificing:

1. Acquire something of value – this step is sort of important because otherwise you would have nothing to sacrifice.

2. Perform the sacrifice – sacrifice something of smaller value to acquire something higher in value. (Note that other cultures may refer to this as Profit.)

Important: Make sure that in your eagerness to sacrifice, you do not sacrifice your Indian values.

6. Additional value for women: Avoid, at all costs, getting pregnant before marriage; after marriage, get pregnant as soon as possible.

Armed with this knowledge, Neo decided he would start inculcating these values in Neo Jr immediately. The first step would be to just memorize the list: “Respect”, “Education”, “Family”, etc. But just as he was getting started, Mrs. Neo violated pretty much every Indian value on the list: she picked up Neo Jr and said, “Don’t listen to your dad. Finish your milkshake and go to bed.”

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

A quick overview of Indian values

“A once-in-a-lifetime debut by this author.” – Debut magazine

“Four out of Five bindis.” – South Asian Identity Exploring Website

“I’d be on the edge of my seat if I wasn’t lying on the beach!” - Amazon.com reviewer.

“A tour de farce!” – Neo

“Ke ami” is a path-breaking novel by debutante novelist Kavya Mehta. The books deals with the journey of a young woman, Mala, as she explores, rejects, discovers, redefines and then finally questions the very core of her Indian cultural identity; an issue that has not been explored by contemporary Indian writers since last Wednesday.

Mala Chattopadhyay hails from a traditional Bengali/Hindu Indian family that will be familiar and instantly identifiable; at least to European and North American readers. For Indian readers who might be more fuzzy about what goes on in traditional families living in small Bengali towns, Ms. Mehta describes the Chattopadhyay family in painstakingly vivid detail. Mala’s family consists of a Father who is a daktar (literally: “doctor”), a Mother who works in a skul (literally: “school”) and a quirky Brother who is notable for being the only character in this book that is devoid of an identity crisis.

In what is perhaps the most poignant scene in the novel, a warm breeze flaps open a window that is draped by a curtain adorned with an intricate pattern, oddly reminiscent of the living room couch in the Chattopadhyay residence. The window knocks a bowl of vermillion onto Mala’s head. But, instead of causing intense irritation to Mala’s eyes, the vermillion attaches itself to her forehead. Mala’s mother takes it as a sign; it is time to close the window.

Alas, the vermillion incident also portends a somewhat less orange turn of events for Mala. As if being raised in a typical Indian family were not hard enough on her emotions, things are about to get positively bittersweet; Mala gets married (the marriage is arranged, but with Mala’s demure, if endearingly hesitant consent) to a Bengali Indian American boy, Harish, who has just graduated from MIT*.

Soon after her arrival in America, Mala’s life takes an interesting twist, the first of several increasingly interesting twists: she meets Gbjkel, an exotic young woman of Syrian-Kurdish-Molvanian descent. In a poignantly allegoric scene, both Mala and Gbjkel are searching for an affordable source of lighting for their new homes and end up reaching for the same halogen lamp for $10.95 at Walmart. Introductions occur between the two women, and Mala and Gbjkel embark on a life-changing friendship that is the subject of much of the novel. However, many readers will be left wondering if this friendship could have acquired vastly more personal hues, had the two women not been content with merely comparing cultural notes over coffee.

The central theme in this book is the conflict in Mala’s life. On the one hand, she is struggling with her assimilation into American society: a task made even more challenging given that she had barely understood the True Meaning of the Bengali life she left behind in India. On the other hand, a harshly materialistic Harish wants Mala to get a job and help with a mortgage that is looking increasingly foolish by the month, rather than spending long hours reading Indian (and Syrian-Kurdish-Molvanian) literature.

Bottom line: If you’re an Indian who’s ever wondered, “Who am I?”, but have had little or no time to truly explore your identity, this book is for you. You will identify with Mala, who asks a similar question in her own, hauntingly Bengali way: “ke ami?“ (literally: “Who am I?”)

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(* An earlier version of this review erroneously suggested that Harish had graduated from Yale (instead of MIT); the error completely changed the tone of the review, and is deeply regretted. -ed)

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

“Ke ami?” – A must-read book review of a must-read book

“Outrage needs to be a verb in Indian English. So when are we planning to outrage? 3:00 pm? Okay, will be there with effigy. “- @cgawker

It’s your worst nightmare: you’re engaged in what seems to be a safe activity, such as visiting random websites on the Internet, reading the posts in the “Stuff That Might Hurt Your Religious Sentiments” mailing list, or just plain old checking out pictures of women, when it all goes horribly wrong: you see something that (yes, it’s okay to face it and say the words) hurts your religious sentiments.

Yes, one moment you are sitting there munching on a pakoda, and now it’s like your whole life is destroyed. Everything you were taught, everything you believed in, your entire religion is now in tatters.

What do you do next ? Stop munching on that pakoda ? Give up your religion and join the enemy ? Do your taxes ? Stop looking at pictures of women on the Internet ?

It is shocking that in 2010 the Armed Forces stand ready to protect us against relatively minor physical harm such as losing our lives, but there is no protection against what is perhaps the gravest injury of all – being offended.

To help people who have suffered injuries to their religious sentiments, we have formed the “Religious Sentiment Injury Support Group”. We conduct regular, extensive, expensive and expansive seminars throughout the country, all of which consist of reading out the contents of this guide.

So what can you do when (and not if!) your religious sentiments are hurt? Let’s begin! The most important thing is …

1. Don’t panic: It might seem like the world is coming to an end sooner (or later?) than your religion predicted, but don’t panic (unless you’ve sinned, in which case, you have a lot more to worry about than the painting of a dove licking the carcass of a goat.) Studies show that many of our customers make a quick and full recovery. If you follow our instructions closely, you might be able to resume your normal diet within minutes of the Injury. Some lucky people have reported being able to watch an entire cricket match on the very same day as the Injury. Yes, you too can survive this. But first, …

2. Check your vital signs: Do you feel any physical pain ? If you are experiencing pain in your lower back, it may be that you are leaning too far forward in your chair while reading this guide. Please, sit with a straight back. Your religious sentiment will soon be healed, but back problems can last a long, long time. Now that you’re seated comfortably, you need to …

3. Spread the word: Using the power of the Internet, and your right to free speech (and free email accounts), send the offensive material to as many people as you can. This does have the unfortunate side-effect of hurting the sentiments of a lot more people than just yourself, but it helps increase our customer base! But we are not all about business. We care deeply about you, because …

4. You are not a victim, you are a survivor: You are a man of True Faith, and you can never be wrong, because you know all about Truth, Peace and all the other Words That Look Important Just By Being Capitalized. So you need to stop victimizing yourself, think like a survivor, and most importantly …

5. Think about God: Not that you ever stop thinking about God, but think harder now. Can you imagine what it must be like to be an all-powerful, all-knowing and infinitely wise God and yet be powerless to stop someone drawing a naked picture of someone else, or (hold on to your chair) the image of a triangle within a circle? Even God has that special place on his back that he can’t scratch. Your religious text probably has some text along the lines of “Bring The Whole Damn Country To Its Knees If You Feel Offended”. Yes, dear survivor, it is now time to …

6. Outrage: But first, we recommend eating a hearty meal, because outraging can consume lots of calories. Once you’re done eating, please find a convenient Outrage location using our website, and while you’re logged in, don’t forget to buy an appropriate effigy from our well-stocked online store. (For a limited time, we are offering our “easy-ignite solution” free with our effigies – just press the button to ignite, no matches needed!) Then head to the Outrage, where you can exercise your constitutional right to individual freedom by doing exactly what your Religious And Cultural Leader, or really, Anyone With A Megaphone tells you to do. And once you’re done outraging, …

7. You can relax and unwind: Outraging is hard work, and you’ve earned your right to relax. Leave cleaning up after your Outrage to other people. The country will be fine without the buses that you burnt. Okay, maybe some people were injured. Or killed. Whatever. It’s called Sacrifice – God’s way of scratching his itch. Don’t worry about it. Do something that takes your mind off the Injury. Take a nap, or watch a movie. Or, maybe, just unwind by surfing the Internet.

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Please consider supporting us by buying one of our bestselling books: “How To Outrage”, “How To Be A Culture Warrior In Your Spare Time Or Whenever There’s Nothing On TV”, or “Relationship Guide For Weekend Vedic Warriors: Does She Really Need to Know What You Do Online ?”.

PS: Many have reported that they are unable to access our “Religious Sentiment Injury Support” page because it has been banned. This ban is outrageous and is a mockery of all those who have suffered the injustice of having their religious sentiments hurt. To protest, we are meeting today at 3pm (right after the cricket game, weather permitting) to burn the effigy of the Man Who Burnt Our Effigy. Entrance is free, but you might need to pay to exit.

Update: The protest has been postponed because our Effigy Manufacturer is closed today to protest against the vandalism that occurred at their factory last week. This is an outrage!

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Outrage: A Survivor’s Guide to Recovery After Your Religious Sentiments Have Been Hurt

Moving to India has caused Neo to make 180 degree shifts in many of his core opinions (not as dramatic a shift as Neo’s boss though, who once remarked that she’d like to see the company make a 360 degree shift in direction.)

Here’s one example: When he lived in the US, Neo believed that maids in India were underemployed, overworked and exploited.

He was wrong.

Here’s the reality of what Neo’s maid “Lakshmi” does – get paid large sums of money to stare into space for hours. (Which, now that Neo thinks of it, is not that different from many of the software engineers in his team.)

As Neo sits here trying to write a post that will bring Happiness and Zen into the lives of all six of his readers, Lakshmi is working hard at achieving The Perfect Blank Facial Expression While Riding a New York City Subway.

Neo and Lakshmi clearly have a difference of opinion over Lakshmi’s duties. It’s like one of those optical illusions: it’s the same image - but where you see a duck, someone else sees a dinosaur using a laptop.

Neo thinks that Lakshmi’s job is as follows:

1. Cooking
2. Cleaning
3. Getting paid handsomely for the above activities.

Lakshmi sees the exact same job as follows:

1. Travelling to her village to help any young woman in Tamil Nadu give birth, since apparently Lakshmi is the only Officially Licensed Lamaze Instructor in the State of Tamil Nadu.
2. Hanging out in her village until the new mothers have recovered from the childbirth, or until the newborn babies have learned how to drive, whichever is later.
3. Returning to Neoville to relax and recuperate from the 310 illnesses she claims to have contracted during her stay at her village, most with no visible symptoms, and many that are believed by the WHO to be extinct.
4. Getting paid handsomely for the above activities.

And she is paid handsomely. Besides a fat salary, free housing and food, the Neos have given Lakshmi a cash “advance” that is approximately equal to the next 4,334 months of her salary (or nine years of Neo Jr’s college), and an HDTV-ready TV set that would work perfectly with the Roku and Netflix subscription that she is sure to request next. (Neo tried to convince Lakshmi to accept a cheaper but equally feature-rich LG TV set instead of the Sony Bravia that she preferred, but Lakshmi, like Mrs. Neo, is allergic to Korean products). In addition, Mrs. Neo gifts Lakshmi new sarees on all important festivals, such as Sundays.

There is a subtle advantage to Lakshmi owning approximately 69% of Neoville’s assets: she can be trusted with the Keys To The House. This is a grave responsibility, but, as Neo has argued, it is not the sort of job function that requires any actions beyond staring into space. And even if Neo thinks that the full-time position of “Holder Of The Keys To The House” can be eliminated without adverse material consequences, Mrs. Neo thinks that this job is critical: “I feel safe having her around in case we need anything.” - which is disturbing because Neo thought that was his job function.

Now Neo, being the seasoned software executive that he is, has tried several advanced psycho-motivational techniques he’s learned from reading Seth Godin’s blog, such as firing Lakshmi. Here’s the conversation:

Neo: “We don’t need you any more. Please pack up your stuff and leave.”

Lakshmi: “ammaaappaaeeeeeirukaaaaa”

Neo wasn’t sure she had understood, because Lakshmi did not pack up her belongings and tearfully head for the exit. Instead, she continued to stare into space with a concentration that Neo thinks can be richly monetized by claiming that she is a swami, and then charging people to visit her at Neoville.

Neo felt that there might be a communication gap, given that Neo does not speak a single word of Tamil, and linguistic analysis has shown that Lakshmi speaks a dialect of Tamil that is so highly advanced, it is impossible for the untrained ear to make out where one word ends and the next word starts. And so Mrs. Neo, the resident Tamil expert, stepped in to translate:

Mrs. Neo: “Avar sollurathu kekkaatheenga. Namma apparamaa pesalaam.”

Lakshmi: “ammaaappaaeeeeeirukaaaaa”

The result was exactly the same as before, i.e. no change in Lakshmi’s posture or expression. So much for Mrs. Neo’s “Oh, don’t worry about living in South India Neo, I’ll handle the language problem.”

For now, a compromise has been reached: The Neos gave in to one of Lakshmi’s persistent demands: they agreed to pay the schooling expenses of Lakshmi’s older son, who is 14 years old in the same sense as Shahid Afridi is 16 years old.

In return, Lakshmi has agreed to one of the demands made by the Neos - that she relocate herself to a different area of the house whenever the immediate area around her needs to be cleaned by the expensive new maid who’s been hired to do Lakshmi’s work while Lakshmi is busy holding the keys to Neoville.

(Neo’s frantic mails to Seth Godin have gone unanswered.)

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Epilogue: Last Sunday, as Neo stood on a stool in his balcony, hanging hundreds of washed clothes (most of which he felt had never been worn by anyone in the household) on the clothesline, he spied Lakshmi delivering a monologue outside his house to a group of five other maids, all of whom were in varying stages of rolling on the road in laughter.

He asked Mrs. Neo to try and hear what they were saying and translate. Mrs. Neo listened intently, and then said, “Maybe you should stop wearing those khaki shorts.”

Post from: neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian

Living in India tip #7: How to negotiate with vastly smarter people, such as your maid.