Name Your Tale

Back When I Was Blonde

admin — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 19:19:10 +0000

I used to kill the boys via heartbreak, but now the doctor says to cool it with the hydrogen peroxide, or else I’ll kill the boy in my stomach via chemical reaction. I can’t drink or smoke, can’t have sex with Ronnie, or else he’ll stab the kid with his junk or something. I woke up this morning and thought maybe I shouldn’t wear any makeup until the third trimester, or even later. My roots are too long. I wonder, if I cut my hair, would anyone recognize me? Well, you would, ma. You knew me before I was blonde.

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Title by: K
Story by: Nick

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the lost wheel

admin — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:26:22 +0000

There is an acrid smell, the odor of burned plastic and rubber. She can hear the sirens getting louder. Someone is talking to her, calmly, gently, but she isn’t really understanding what is being said. She is disoriented, and her head aches; not from hitting the steering column, thank God, but rather from hanging there upside-down for so long.

She can feel everything, which is a relief. She is insured, which is even more of a relief. It will be a while before they cut her free; she bides her time wondering if any of the firemen will be cute.

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Title by: Anonymous
Story by: David

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The Comfort of Winter

admin — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:23:16 +0000

Opening the door and there is snow. So much snow you can’t walk out there. So you close the door. You find that old sweatshirt. So much more comfortable than sweaters. Find a few movies you haven’t watched in a well. But then you decide on the book. That book. You get excited because you have some good tea, that stuff your sister sent you. You get a blanket and you sit on the couch long ways and you read. You read and read the snow falling sounds like sound falling. No other sound is like that. It is gorgeous.

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Title by: Anonymous
Story by: Jarvis

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Fog Machines Rage

admin — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:24:35 +0000

As the amplifiers blared and the laser lights shone, Joachim O’Leary marched onto the stage, towering over the roaring crowd in five-inch platforms. Raising both arms he revealed leather bat wings to an adoring audience, who screeched and hollered and pumped their fists. As the first chord raged from O’Leary’s ax, ear drums suffered a horrible fate, much to the delight of Bacchus’ hordes. As he screeched into the microphone, giving the mob a high-pitched, “Are you ready to ROCK?”, the amphitheater erupted, creating a force that would shatter any sound barrier. As the fog machines raged on, Otolaryngologists wept.

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Title by: ocherdraco
Story by: Quintin

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Wind Chimes Make Me Naseous

admin — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 18:49:14 +0000

“Fuck the environment,” Bill yelled, reading the newspaper. Sally just rolled her eyes.

“I’m serious!” Bill screamed.

“You’re being stupid,” Sally said.

“Fucking Green technology!” Bill said. “I don’t want to see a bunch of wind-mills and solar-fucking-panels laying around! I don’t need that shit!”

“Wind-Turbines,” Sally said. “Not Wind-mills. Wind-Turbines.”

“Wind anything makes me sick!” Bill said. “Fucking Wind Chimes makes me nauseous!”

“Wind chimes?” Sally asked.

And then he heard it, that clicking sound when the chimes get hit by the wind and the chimes sick. Bill’s stomach rolled slightly and he lifted and ran to the bathroom.

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Title by: ladymegan
Story by: Jarvis

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Stuck in a hair blizzard

admin — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:59:05 +0000

Tony’s Mum was stunning. It was a combination of those piercing grey eyes, the shiny black hair that went on forever and the fact that she smelled like heaven. That summer she bought a new car and dragged us outside to show off as soon as she got home. As we admired it, I looked at her shining eyes and wished I were ten years older.

We went for a drive with the top down, her hair flying behind her. Tony got annoyed. ‘Tie it up will you? It’s like a blizzard back here.’

I laughed and pretended to agree.

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Title by: Blake
Story by: Honest

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Joe Doesn’t Like Hash Brown Casserole

admin — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 15:59:25 +0000

Dear Kimmie:

Thanks for watching our Joey. A few reminders:

- Joe loves his knife collection. Dr. Phil says hobbies are enriching, and he’s really taken to this one!

- Joe doesn’t like potatoes. If you give him any, he’ll cut you.

- Joe doesn’t like taking naps. Don’t force him – he’ll cut you.

- Joe doesn’t like the cat. He may try to drown it in the toilet. (Don’t try to stop him – he’ll cut you.)

- There are Band-aids and a tourniquet in the bathroom. Please don’t call 911. Joey really hates sirens.

Thanks!
The Harlans

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Title by: Luna Paseli
Story by: Jenny

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My Roommate in Hell is Actually a Pretty Nice Guy

admin — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:04:52 +0000

He was so surprised to be here. I explained: time was, eating meat on a Friday could get you an eternity in the Pit. How could he not think being a serial masturbator would count?

We get along pretty good. We take turns sleeping on the cold slab instead of the hot floor. We play “Who Would You Rather.” During work hours when he falters, I pick him up, and he does the same for me. We know: getting a trident through the small of your back is no picnic. Enlightened self-interest too: hard to sleep with all that screaming.

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Title by: Adam
Story by: David

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I met a 22 year old

admin — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 14:53:48 +0000

She was absolutely gorgeous and that’s all that needs to be said. If I was thirty, forty…OK, fifty years younger, I’d have made a move. But, you know, she wasn’t interested in wrinkled old me. Besides, I was liable to throw my back out in bed with her. Still, I smiled and invited her in. I didn’t care about the whales, mercury in the water, finding Jesus or whatever she was looking for. I was just happy for the company. I pretended she was actually interested in me. I was happier than I’d been in years, since she had died.

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Title by: Summerita
Story by: Quintin

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The big blue dog and the four rowdy cats

admin — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 19:15:36 +0000

When the Upright Hairless Ones are home, Baloo lets the Little Scratchy Ones bite his ears, pull his tail, and generally abuse him. It’s his one-way symbiotic relationship with Belly-Rub Man and Food Lady. Baloo acts nice to Scratchy Little Ones, Lady gives Food and Man rubs Belly. What do the Upright Hairless Ones get from it? The Litte Scratchy Ones don’t kiss. When the Upright Hairless Ones leave, all the Little Scratchy Ones hide under Baloo’s bed — that he shares with the Upright Hairless Ones — all but the littlest one, whose high-pitch cry reminds Baloo of his sister.

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Title by: Knickerbocker
Story by: Nick

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