“Best Feature” cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

I’m going camping with my family… Lisa and I and all three of our grown kids. A rarity, as some of you may know, for all of us to be together for several days.

We’re doing the Cabot Trail. We’ll be in places where there is no WiFi.

So I may or may not post for the next few days. Just letting you know.

Likely I’m still alive and kicking, just offline.

Don’t worry. I’ll be back to provoke, encourage, advocate, anger, and tickle you.

I have a lot of friends who would corroborate with this cartoon.

They’ve told me their stories.

They end up concluding it’s just easier and safer not to report.

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I first drew this cartoon in 2010. It was my most popular one at the time.

There have been more since though.

Even though this is a very anthropomorphic representation, I still like the message that love should always be presumed, and that love always wins.

Looking for love? Come join our group at The Lasting Supper.

There are many ways to grow.

Here are three!

You can gently float down the stream of life.
Or you can paddle.
Or you can motor.

I’ve done all three.

Floating is good for just gently letting life take you where it leads. No effort. No real work. Just living life. I’ve had many periods of floating through life many times. Growth is slow, meandering, and effortless. It’s almost unconscious. And it’s free. You still have to be careful of the rocks and twists and turns as well as others, but even if there’s a little mishap there’s no damage. I love helping people float just by putting stuff out there every day for people to enjoy at their leisure.

Paddling is good for when you want to choose your course more directly and move a little faster. It takes some work. It takes effort. It takes more intentionality. It’s for when you know you have to process through something and you don’t want it to last too long. It’s more conscious. But you still have to look out for rocks, etc., because when you’re going a little faster there can be more damage to yourself. More care is required. For me paddling means spending a little money on resources… like a good paddle (yes, there are good ones and bad ones)… or a small, interactive group that can encourage me and hold me accountable to myself. So, I love helping people paddle. These people want more hands-on help. This is why I provide my online community The Lasting Supper. They are grateful for TLS because they say to me they’re growing at a faster rate and appreciate the more direct help so that they can be more intentional on how fast they grow and where they want to end up.

But when you want to get through a transition quick, when you want to grow fast, then motoring is the best way. This is super-conscious and very intentional. You don’t want to fool around, you know you need to change, you know it’s going to hurt, and so you gas up and get do the work of self-awareness and self-transformation. Even more care is required for dangers along the way because serious damage can occur if you slip up. Motoring is much more exciting and more expensive, and there have been times in my life when I’ve put the money down to do it. In fact, I’m doing that right now with a coach. So, I love helping people motor. These are the people who aren’t messing around and want to grab the wheel of their lives and destinies and get on with it. They are very intentional and want one-on-one help. I’ve seen people cut down their journeys from say three years to three months by motoring! Ask me about it my spiritual freedom coaching!

All three work. All three have their own pleasures, dangers, and advantages.

Which way are you going down the river of life right now?

Here’s how I think it happened:

First, men constructed fantasies about their women.

Then, they encoded these fantasies into rules with their holy books.

These encoded rules became expectations.

These fantasies were nourished by their expectations and further elaborated them.

This cycle continues today.

When a woman acts otherwise, she’s considered disobedient, rebellious, a Jezebel, a bitch.

Sarah, in this cartoon, is taking steps to break out of this pattern.

No one is happy about it.

There are lots of “Sarah’s” in our online community, The Lasting Supper. Join us! Others are.

Abuse isn’t always visible. Especially spiritual abuse.

Here’s a question: Is being controlled the same as being abused?

I cartoon and write a lot about spiritual abuse. Most of the members of my online community “The Lasting Supper: Help Yourself!” are survivors of spiritual abuse. They are helping themselves heal… with the incredible help of others. Please join us. I know you’ll love it!

Spiritual abuse is defined as “psychological manipulation and harm inflicted on a person by using the teachings of their religion. This is perpetrated by members of the same or similar faith, and includes the use of a position of authority within the religion.” (Wiki)

I’m often asked if I was spiritually abused.

Yes, I have.

But I’ll be even more transparent here: I’ve inflicted it! So, I know how it works.

In my opinion, spiritual abuse does not have to be the outrageous, cult-like, psychological and emotional trauma inflicted on people that we see in books and documentaries. You know… stories that make us react with, “That’s messed up! How can normal people get caught up in that craziness?”

No. I believe spiritual abuse is most often expressed in the manipulation, coercion, and control of people. It’s far more subtle and sinister than most are willing to admit or detect.

I have experienced the outrageous kind of abuse. But mostly I’ve experienced the more subtle kind of abuse: control.

The difficult part for me to accept is my complicity in it. I submitted myself to charismatic but autocratic leaders who took the wheel of my life to encourage me to think and do things that I wouldn’t normally think and do as my healthiest self.

I talk with a lot of wives who wonder if they’re being abused in their marriages. They’re not being beaten or raped or locked in their homes. Physically. But emotionally and psychologically they live under such tight control under their husbands that they are not free and they are not themselves. The locks and chains are metaphorical. They have to do this and they can’t do that. They live under constant fear of rage and retaliation. They are quiet prisoners of their husbands in their own homes. They know it, wish they could escape, but despair of ever being able to do so safely.

But it didn’t start this way. For many of them, it started by them falling in love and willingly, even excitedly, submitting themselves to their husbands as they thought they should. Eventually, though, it degraded to the point where it became apparent that their husbands were terribly insecure, obsessively jealous, and easily angered. Their agreement to make the relationship work quickly translated into the loss of their freedom, their rights, and ultimately themselves.

It takes a lot of courage for these women to reach out for advice, advocacy, and assistance.

It’s the same with religion. At first we are willing submit ourselves to this exciting new life. But it soon turns into manipulation which quickly turns into complete control. Sometimes it takes us years to realize we’ve surrendered our own liberty and that we’ve completely lost touch with who we are. It can take us years to get to the desperate place of realizing we are in trouble and need to get out. For many of us, it takes years of intentional self-care and often therapy to recover from this religious trauma.

I’ve been in this situation more than once. This may say as much about me as it does the leaders I served.

One time I confronted one my leaders to his face. I was shaking when I did it. But I finally told him. After he demanded to know what my problem was with him, I said, “I find you very controlling!” He suddenly flared up, poked his finger into my chest several times, and shouted, “You’re a sick man. You need therapy!” A light came on. He crossed the line a long time ago, but when he touched me, he demonstrated it physically. I knew it was time to separate.

So, is control abuse? I guess it depends on the intensity of it, but yes, control can be abuse. If your true self is beaten down, disrespected, disregarded, and dismissed, if you’ve lost your ability to think for yourself and be self-determining, if you live in constant and paralyzing fear of reprisals and rejection, and if you despair of the thought of ever being free again, it is very possible you are living in a spiritually abusive situation.

It’s time to get out.

(If this is you, I provide resources for you here. Don’t wait.)

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Questions can be scary.

Especially “What if…?” questions.

What if the Bible isn’t true?

What if God doesn’t exist?

What if there’s no afterlife?

You know! You’ve asked them.

They can creep up on you at the most unsuspecting times. Like when you’re about to go soundly asleep.

They’ll keep you awake at night.

BUT… if you press through, you will learn that questions are the door to peace of mind.

(Questions creeping you out? Talk with me!)

You guys just don’t understand.

Because you’re not pastors.

People need boundaries!
People need constraints!
People need rules!
People need to submit!

Of course, I can’t say it exactly like that. What I say is:

You need to fulfill your destiny.
You need self-discipline.
You need to not be selfish.
You need to put the community first.
You need to observe the guidelines that make this work.

In a nutshell:
You need to submit to those in authority over you. (Me!)

Of course, I say that but I sandwich it in, “as the church submits to Christ” and “as Christ loves the Church and gave himself up for her”! This blesses the whole process and makes it irrefutable.

This makes compliance a spiritual gift, a spiritual necessity, a spiritual virtue. The more submissive you are, the more like a good bride you are, and therefore the more like Christ you are.

In fact, even if you sacrifice your own life… burn yourself out on the altar of good works or deny yourself to the point of soul suicide… that’s a good thing because that’s exactly what Jesus did. Am I right?

I hear about some pastors who let their people be totally free. They’re off the rails. A train is only free when it’s on its tracks. People need to stay on track! The disorder of their congregations must be horrendous! Their wives probably wear the pants in the family too. Just saying.

Look, I have a wife, and I don’t let her just do whatever she wants. She shouldn’t just “be herself” and be “liberated”. How would I be able to count on her to fulfill my desires and satisfy my needs? No! She yields to me, sacrificing her own life for my happiness, surrendering her own self to the marriage, because that’s what Jesus did. She’s my bride, and she should act like the bride of Christ does for him… self-sacrificing, self-denying, and self-effacing. She crucifies herself for me. Daily! This is why we have a good marriage. She stays in her box. Imagine the chaos if she didn’t.

Same with our kids. Goes without saying. They obey. Every jot and tittle. Otherwise anarchy would ensue.

Because I’ve been ordained and appointed the head of this house.

Yes, Christ is the head of the Church, but I’m his representative in the Church. There is no chaos in my Church. No anarchy. No disobedience. Everything runs like a well-oiled machine. As it should. Because I fulfill my role as the shepherd of the sheep, and they fulfill their role by being good sheep and staying in their boxes… their assigned identities and roles.

I like to say, “Stay in your stable and keeps things stable!” I think they like that.

Because this is how things work!

(*** This is fictional, but based on true stories. If you know what I’m talking about and want healing from it, join the rest of us at The Lasting Supper!)

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It does happen… where churches are aware they’ve crossed a line and they make efforts to conceal it.

But most of the time churches aren’t even aware that they are practicing spiritual abuse and inflicting it on their members.

I have lots of friends who are survivors of spiritual abuse. In fact, many of them are in our very vibrant online community The Lasting Supper and are recovering. Please join us!

My friend Ashley Easter is hosting The Courage Conference that will happen from Oct 20-21 in Raleigh, NC, and LIVE online. There are scholarships available. Check it out HERE.

Here’s a small blurb about it Ashley sent me:

“The Courage Conference is a non-denominational event that will offer a judgment-free place for survivors of abuse (especially those abused in Christian contexts) and those who love them to gather and hear inspiring stories from other survivors about moving forward in boldness and healing. The event will also educate pastors and church leaders on the topic of abuse and introduce them to safe practices and resources for their faith community. The Courage Conference offers a unique opportunity to hear from advocates and trained professionals through inspiring keynotes talks, Q&A sessions and workshops in addition to connecting attendees with local and national resources, so they don’t have to do this alone.”

Maybe it’s just what you need!

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Once you get people to worship you, you can say anything and they will believe you.