“Why it hurts to get better” (cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward)

One of the things that we find very difficult to accept is that it often hurts to get better.

Like this guy in the cartoon: the doctor promised to make his patient feel better. But in order to get there he has to endure some painful procedures. Surgery!

It is the same with spiritual growth. It is the same with the deconstruction of our beliefs.

Many people shrink back at the first hint of pain. They return to their former illness because it is easier. It feels better in the immediate.

However, if we are willing to go through some painful procedures, the promise will be fulfilled: we will eventually feel better. We will experience healing.

I know, for myself, that I have gone through some very painful times. But looking back I can see that they have all been worth it. I’m better off now than I’ve ever been!

I’m healthier.

More painful surgeries are in my future. And even though they are necessary, at the same time they are elective. I choose to have these procedures done!

I will be better for them.

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You can listen to it here.

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“Promises, Promises, Promises” (nakedpastor David Hayward)

1. Churches know that withholding the payout keeps us hooked.
2. We want to believe the experts in authority over us.
3. It’s exciting to wait for something good to happen.
4. Often a promise comes with a caveat: you must show up to receive it.
5. We are desperate for good things to happen in our lives.
6. We’ve experienced many failed promises so we want to trust God to deliver on his.
7. The real world disappoints us so we hope the spiritual world won’t.
8. Promises are like sizzle: where there’s sizzle there must be steak.
9. It’s like playing the lottery: we probably won’t win, but we play just in case.
10. There is a legitimate hope in good things unfolding.

I’ve been on both sides of this pulpit. I’ve waited and waited and waited for the fulfillment of promises promises promises. For years! I’ve also given promise after promise after promise. I’m not just talking about the afterlife or heavenly reward or punishment or the benefits of being a good Christian. I’m also talking about revival, renewal and signs of the times, etcetera. In fact, I’ve been in circles where promises were the main language. It is addictive and effective. But often empty!

I came to realize that loving what is… this is what matters. Being here now. Seeing each moment full of the promises, full of benediction, full of blessing.

Do any you identify with what I’m talking about?

(Thanks to my friend Kevin  for the cartoon idea!)

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This painting was a commissioned piece I did recently. Cheyenne Tattersall, a seventeen year old woman, wrote the poem on the occasion of her great-grandmother’s funeral. I think it is powerful. So I painted this image to accompany it and also wrote the poem on it.

Here’s the text of the poem:

At my great grandmother’s funeral
I saw a priest who wore a heavy cross
and I could feel his beliefs melt off the gold.
While we carried her casket to the empty grave
he handed my grandmother a crucifix
And her tears were their own kind of holy water.

On the bus I watched as a boy
wrapped himself tighter in an army jacket
that slung down to his knees.
He stood tightly wrung apart from the other passengers,
as though worried to sully the dirt-stained sleeves.
And the last time I’d seen eyes like his
were at a graveyard in the winter.

I don’t sit in the church pews on Sundays,
and the pewter cross on my finger holds no religion.
But I see holiness in the way that a boy clung to his father’s jacket
in the same way a daughter held fast to a crucifix.
It is not the idols that hold the power,
rather the air that we breathe into them.

A plastic bead necklace is as close
to a theology as I may ever come,
and perhaps one day my child will hold it to their heart
with the same devotion a boy can give to an oversized jacket.

“Clergy Leaving the Ministry” (by nakedpastor David Hayward)

I know how difficult it is to leave the ministry. I previously wrote a post on why it is so difficult. Like this astronaut losing his connection with the mothership, this is how I felt: lost in space! But I’ve done it four times, and I’ve survived.

• The first time, and it came as a surprise to me, my contract wasn’t renewed.
• The second time I was depressed and left cold turkey after I had a dream.
• The third time I was fired.
• The fourth time I could no longer live inside the box so I quit.

Each time I had to find employment right away. It was terrifying, nerve-racking, and depressing. I wish there had been someone who had gone through this before to give me encouragement, but there wasn’t. I was on my own.

Here’s how I felt:

1. Ashamed: Many people question why one would leave a secure career, a vocation, after so many years. Many times I wondered if they thought I was a child-molesting ex-priest, the way they looked at me.
2. Unemployable: What education did I have? What experience? Theology and ministry. That was it. What good is that in the real world?
3. Unprepared: The real world is real. In the church, the system supports the clergy. I was set for life if I kept within the lines. But in the real world I had to fight, compete and win at all costs. I was a virgin with these real-world skills.
4. Desperate: I have a wife and three kids. I didn’t just want to find a job, I had to find a job. Quickly! I had five mouths to feed. As we all know, one week, even one day, without income can devastate a family.

I eventually found solutions:

• The first time I went to school full time with student loans and grants while Lisa worked.
• The second time I got a job at a donut shop, then as a door-to-door battery salesman.
• The third time I bought and flipped a house and worked at a call center.
• The fourth time I taught English as a Second Language at a university.

Now I make all my income online from home.

So I’m going to provide some advice to clergy who are leaving the ministry based on the four reasons I found it difficult above. Advice I never had but can now give!

1. Shame: You have no reason to be ashamed. There are lots of good pastors out there and you were probably one of them. Leaving the ministry, I will assume, was for good reasons that reflect your integrity, strength and courage. Even if you were fired! I suspect you are looking for a job because you and the church just no longer got along, not a great fit, and you made the decision or the decision was made for you to go your own way. That, in my opinion and experience, makes for bright new possibilities. Also, being a clergy for many people is a respectable career. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. As well, it’s not like it used to be: one career for life. People are changing careers all the time. Welcome to normal!
2. Unemployable: One of the biggest lessons I learned after leaving the ministry the last time was that, in fact, I was very employable. When you are in the church your worldview tends to get constricted. Actually, many clergy are very well trained and experienced in skills the world needs. You just need to know how to re-imagine your education and experience, and how to present yourself. The last time I left the ministry I had a professional help me redo my resume to highlight my education and experience that was marketable in the business world. Here’s what I learned about myself: I knew how to manage volunteers, do a budget, raise funds, collect donations, speak publicly, counsel, coach, resolve conflict, mediate, lead teams, organize children, reach youth, comfort seniors, gather citizens, inspire people, master ceremonies, etcetera. I had no idea! Actually, the tweaking of my resume landed me a job as a facilitator at a university. Something I would’ve never expected. I know other pastors who have gone into selling insurance, real estate, non-profits such as The Heart and Stroke Foundation, charities such as World Vision, emergency, teaching, counseling, coaching, or they’ve used their hobbies such as carpentry to get into renovations, buy and sells, investments, landlords, on and on and on. I also know ex-pastors who have gone back to school to learn a new trade or develop their hobby into a marketable asset. The possibilities are endless.
3. Unprepared: In my opinion, clergy can have a very clear picture of the world as it is. However, I had serious problems with money and business and fending for myself. In fact, when I left the ministry the last time, I felt a very personal challenge to learn these arts. They are basic life skills I had avoided. What a learning curve! It’s fun discovering and using the value of money, the quality of business, and the dignity of self in the business world. I’ve learned that money is nothing but an object in the value of exchange. I’ve learned that business is one way all human beings interact and relate. I’ve learned that taking care of myself is an adult responsibility that took me longer than usual to step into but that has been rewarding, dignifying and liberating. We are the captains of our destiny. This isn’t to deny the possibility of being taken care of, for I feel this too. But I also feel I’m a partner in it, that I am a key player and that I am now responsible for myself. I’m enjoying the school of life!
4. Desperate: One of the admirable things I learned about myself: I will do anything to support my family. Yes, times were desperate, and I used connections and whatever else I could to land a job, even if it was minimum wage delivering donuts to coffee shops. I clearly remember sweeping the coffee shop parking lot of cigarette butts while people flicked them at me snickering. It was humiliating. But I did it for the paycheck, which I got! I know it is hard to go from respected and revered clergy to humble laborer, but it’s not my pride I was worrying about, but my family. And I provided! I also used these times as a spiritual lesson. I learned that while I was a minister I had a sense of privilege that was unhealthy. I allowed these menial jobs to beat that attitude out of me and to help me learn that I am just another human being along with other human beings on the planet. I let these minimum wage jobs teach me how to be a better person.

In the end, I believe that we are all ministers. I’m not talking religiously necessarily. But that is part of it. What I mean is that at the bottom of it all is loving and serving humanity. We can do this no matter where we are. At each job I made connections with fascinating but normal people and enjoyed interacting with them. It was a lot different than church in some ways but very much the same in others. People are people no matter where we are. It was refreshing relating to people without the complications that church sometimes brings.

I know you can do it. I’ve done it four times! I’m nothing special. Seriously! If I can do it, so can you!

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“History of Hell” cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

When I was a child, I lived in mortal fear of Hell.

It was effective in keeping me in line.

Now I believe it is a powerful mythic metaphor that communicates the torment, in this life, resulting from our “No!” to the giving and receiving of love.

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“Leadership and Team” (cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward)

Ya I’ve been a part of teams that weren’t really teams but slave labour pools for authoritarian leaders.

I’ve also been part of teams that really were teams and were a delight to be a part of and work with.

That’s one of the things I miss the most. Working with a good team.

I’m figuring out a way to get back into one.

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CLICK ON IMAGE TO SEE IT IN MY GALLERY!

BUY A FINE ART REPRODUCTION OF THIS DRAWING!

Religion holds out the promise of peace but never delivers.

There are many reasons for this:
It doesn’t really believe peace is a possible way to live;
or it doesn’t think you really deserve it;
or it wants you to keep coming back like an addict.

Actually, it can’t deliver. It can’t deliver something that’s already mine and already yours.

Generally, religions and their leaders are more interested in your allegiance to them rather than to what it pretends to offer. In other words, it wants you to be a faithful church-going Christian rather than a person who lives in peace regardless of where your commitments lie.

I have personally come to discover exactly as this drawing declares: I have found peace! Actually, it has found me. Actually, we were never lost to each other. I was just blind to it. It was there all along.

It wasn’t something I had to work for.
It wasn’t something I had to look for.
It wasn’t something I had to prepare for.
It wasn’t something I had to wait for.

I didn’t have to earn it. It’s not for sale. It’s free. It’s here.

It’s already within you waiting to be noticed, embraced, and lived into.

It is a reality.
There is peace.
It has already been given.
It just is.

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“Questions, Not Answers, Lead to Wisdom” (cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward)

I came to the right assumption many years ago that people had questions and doubts. To blindly assume they understood or believed everything I was teaching wouldn’t show them any respect at all.

Questions are natural. They will arise in the mind.

Sure, there is one part of the mind, the fearful part, that wants to conform, fall in line, obey, and not stand out.

However, there is another part of us, the wise part, that hungers for truth. I’ve come to believe that the only way to get there is through questions.

Knowledge can be gained by increments. Like stairs.

Wisdom is gained by a series of deaths and resurrections. Like seeds bursting open to bear fruit.

Dare to question. Even the hard ones. This is wisdom.

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