BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

and one to tell your boss…

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

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Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: “Do I have to buy you dinner first?”
Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet

Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: Aroma — French perfume
Lust: Aroma — Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma — “The baby needs changing. . .”

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: “I can think of a way to stay warm . . .”
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the “Fell in Love on AOL” chat-room
Lust: Finding the “Blonde Dominatrix” chat-room
Marriage: Finding the “Married and Looking” chat-room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover’s Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex?

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“ONE PENNY!” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.” So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“4 cents,” he replies.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

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He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

“I have just the rooster for you – Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. “Randy”, he said,”I’m counting on you to do your stuff”. And without a word strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out “Stop, Randy, you’ll kill yourself”. But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

The next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy.”

“Shhhhh” Randy whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

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The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favorite Teletubbie:

A. Yellow B. Purple C. Green D. Red (scroll down for psychological profile)

A. You chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. You chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
C. You chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. You chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.

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“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

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Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, “I’m having no luck
scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the
hay? I’ll give you 20 bucks!”

She says, “I’m willing, let’s go”.

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for
the bedroom. He loves the sex and can’t get over how tight she is for
such an old woman. He thinks that she’s got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, “Wow!
Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50
bucks”.

Surprised, she says, “If I had of known you were actually going to get
a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”

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About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a
bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped
and torn.

“What happened to you”, asked Bill.

“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his
19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them”, asks Clinton.

The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig”.

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