Why consider dealing with difficult situations by your lonesome?  Most family and friends are more than willing and sincere in offering their love, support, and a variety of resources to help get you through troubles and trauma:

• One step at a time – critical situations are inherently overwhelming, so focus on the smaller picture of what needs to be done (the “big” things can usually wait a bit), and take advantage of help that’s offered.
• Reality based optimism – dwelling on every negative aspect of the circumstance isn’t helpful, so aim to strike a balance between being hopeful while remaining clear-sighted about the realities presented.  
• Help from all quarters – peripheral assistance, in whatever form, can be uplifting and definitely beneficial; in my case, the insurance companies (believe it or not),  were really efficient and understanding, which quickly eliminated a great deal of anxiety.
• Kindness of kids – what could be more comforting than to have children share and offer solace during trying times?  Allow youngsters to participate and offer their love and help in ways that let them know how important they are to the well-being of family, friends, or the community.
• Health is a gift that keeps on giving – cherish and guard it and don’t put off all the things (nutrition, exercise, sleep, less stress), that help maintain a healthy lifestyle.
• Martyrs need not apply – although you may have been able to successfully handle past tough times on your own, it does get to harder to do so you get older; time to make sure you have a support system in place and are aware of the different avenues available for all types of assistance.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

“If You’re Not Part of the Solution, You’re Part of the Problem”

Over a period of a week, my mother’s microwave oven began showing signs of imminent decline.  I checked with my siblings, but no one had kept an extra “nuker” after moving or remodeling a kitchen. The suggestion was made to immediately buy a replacement (one solution to the problem), but I thought I remembered that someone in our extended family had an extra microwave. Trying to recycle whenever possible, it occurred to me that my nephew (who had previously lived in the upstairs bedrooms of my mother’s house), didn’t take his microwave when he moved.  His more powerful and sleeker looking oven now sits solidly atop my mother’s kitchen counter.

This seemingly insignificant situation may not seem relevant in solving major dilemmas, but consider the possibility of using the following steps for tackling any conundrum, large or small:

•Brainstorming barrage – take advantage of great ideas and suggestions offered by others; consider taking “one from column A and one from column B”, freely mixing and matching to change perspectives and bolster novel approaches.

•If this was a perfect world – but it’s not, so aim for the pragmatic and realistic (and more likely to be accomplished), rather than the ideal.

•“One day at a time” – yup, you’ve heard this said ad infinitum, but it doesn’t make it any less true.  Instead of getting immediately overwhelmed, break up tasks and chores into doable segments which can be readily accomplished and attained.

•Recycle – not only goods, but thoughts, plans and proposals, too. Tweak those things that have worked well in the past and re-use them (try dressing ‘em up), in different situations and settings.

•Kudos for baby steps – so what if something takes longer or has to be given more time than initially planned?  Appreciate the effort and realize what is learned along the way, cognizant that it may take time to reach a decision or solution to a problem.

•You can’t please everyone – decisions, regardless of how democratically arrived at, inevitably leave some unhappy campers, as it is impossible to be all things to all people all of the time.

•R & R – research and review by getting all the necessary info from a host of sources (colleagues, experts, books, online news and reports, etc.) to solve problems and solidify accomplishments.

•Don’t look back – once a decision has been made, be confident that it was based upon good information, the best of the alternatives presented, and move onto the next issue which needs to be dealt with.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Never met a power struggle you couldn’t refuse?  Or, is it a problem in differentiating when to take a necessary stand vs. when best to walk away from the situation?  In any relationship, be it intimate, casual or professional, knowing when to pick your fights is essential in getting along and achieving a sense of balance in this world.

Recent research validates the common assumption that older individuals are generally more adept at choosing their battles.  Frequently content with waiting to see how things will turn out, they’ve apparently decided that most conflicts aren’t worth the cost of confrontation. Conversely, younger folks readily engage in arguing and screaming, or walking away from a disagreement in a huff.  So, the good news is that there does appear to be a mellowing with age.  

Rather than waiting for the “golden years” to confer wisdom upon how to avoid clashes, consider these ideas:

·Whose business is it anyway? -  do the issues really concern you, are they important, is it a losing battle that is a serious emotional drain? 

· Rules of engagement- - fighting fair, dealing with what the disagreement is about, rather than attacking the person helps to de-escalate the conflict (hint: if your arguments are peppered with, “you always, or, “you never”, these are NOT the components of a fair fight).

·Which assumptions are near and dear? –accepting others’ viewpoints as valid for them without feeling threatened that our own beliefs are under siege.

· Is it more important to be right or happy (at peace, unstressed, etc.)? – what might you be sacrificing in always being correct, perfect or seeking the “Truth”?

· Tilting at windmills –entering every skirmish, and often losing, helps to maintain a role as a victim; is the world is really your enemy? 

· Scorched earth policy – what trail of destruction has been left behind?  Does being victorious at battle mean starting wars that leave many casualties behind?

· Don’t leave your OAR in the water (use this approach before quarreling):

             O – OBJECTIVES: clear and concise

             A – ALTERNATIVES: which one would be best

             R – RISK: consider the pros and cons, as well as the likely outcome.

· Let it go – constant squabbling is most detrimental to the arguer, with its residue of emotional and (and often) physical discomfort.  Commit to walking away from potential disagreements, noting what ultimately happened and how you felt not having engaged in the fray.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

            Rather than fuming at countless (daily) annoyances, try enacting a personal paradigm shift in the way they’re viewed:

·         It’s ALL small stuff – sure, everyone has pet peeves, but most of those annoyances will not be remembered, even a few hours later; in the scheme of things, is it a tragedy to have to re-schedule a manicure or a golf game?

·         Majority rules – there are always annoying individuals to contend with, but they ARE in the minority; allowing them to consume our mental real estate exaggerates their perceived numbers and significance.

·         Back to basics – lessen stress (and annoyance) levels by getting enough sleep and exercise, taking deep breaths, self-talk and visualizations, which will help in not getting “bent out of shape” due to unforeseen changes or inconveniences.

 ·         Jumping to conclusions – what ELSE might someone’s statement or action actually mean?  Rather than capitulating to a grouchy interpretation, get feedback from others to check if your first assumption was really right on the money.

·         Pity the pathetic – those who are difficult, insensitive, angry or obtuse are not happy individuals; it’s often not about you and not intentional, so why take everything as a personal affront?

 ·         Mightily miffed – start replacing anger with understanding, humor (appreciate the ridiculousness of many irksome situations), or thoughtful approaches to change the way daily frustrations can be handled.

·         The beauty of a back-up plan– rather than being overcome by everyday irritants, do some forward thinking (ex. assuming that the repair person might not show up on time to fix the washing machine, view it as an opportunity do things at home which have  been on the back burner).

        ·         Cranky, crabby and cantankerous – who wants to   spend  time with someone who fits this description?  Try yelling at yourself in the mirror (or at a picture of someone you love), for a minor infraction and see if you can even complete this “exercise”.

 ·         Reinforcing energy drains – becoming easily exasperated over inconsequential bothers ensures that pet peeves will become endless, habitual and justified.  Who suffers most?

·         Living well is indeed the best revenge – rather than expending energy on getting even, what can be done to improve, appreciate and enliven things in your own life?

 And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

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 Last week’s vacation Tip was about “the trampoline of life”, but this week’s inspiration comes from the sand and surf.  The water always provides a sure setting for reflection and relaxation, although vacationing with a large family group certainly needs an appreciation for the raucous rather than quietude.

I decided to go around our table of 17 and ask what each person’s most treasured recollections about the times spent on Fire Island (a summer community off the tip of Long Island, NY, where there are no cars, unlocked doors, and kids have the freedom to walk and bike anywhere). Memories were instantly conjured up and happily shared.  More than just nostalgia, we were all able to re-live and laugh about “the old days” as well as the newer experiences of the younger children: selling painted seashells for “25 cents and down”, being able to bike-ride alone at 6 years old, getting flipped in the ocean waves, kayaking, making the best fish chowder ever from 5 pounds of caught fish, family story and meal times, cousins trying to be quiet at 7:00 in the morning, donning roller skates and sure that skating on the deck wouldn’t disturb anyone, the incredible run of bluefish in the ocean, where everyone hurriedly grabbed a fishing pole and ran to the shore, and many, many more.

While vacations do come to an end, the great times can always be re-captured:

·         The glory days are here and now – grab, hold onto and cherish those halcyon times that engender wonderful, long-lasting memories, as was evidenced by my kids’ desire to share the fun and freedom they always remembered with their children.

·         The family that plays together, stays together – when each person was asked about their most memorable times on Fire Island, the oft repeated phrase was, “being with family”- what an opportunity to span the generations and create the importance of loved ones as a lasting legacy.

·         Flexibility reigns - forget schedules and be open to change plans when novel activities and experiences arise; no time to get stuck in set chores, who’s “supposed” to do what, or who has to be in charge. 

·         Memorable meals – food does indeed = love, so no need to be fancy (take advantage of the barbecue); it’s the lingering good feelings and indelible associations that remain after the tummy’s no longer full.

·         Bask in reminiscences – save and email those great photos and videos, keep the “collectables” (such as shells), re-tell the funny stories when gathered together, write and share vignettes of different adventures.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Once off the bouncer, my mind kept focusing on how it offered too perfect a metaphor to pass up, so it’s time to share these trampoline-inspired thoughts:

·         Who cares how many times you fall? - what was learned by constant repetition or trying out different moves as part of the learning curve?

·         Find your “sweet spot” - on the trampoline, it’s the circle in the middle which gives you the springiest bounce; where in your life is the best place to take off, the launching pad from which you can soar?

·         Who’s your cheering section? - rare is it to have three adorable boys to root and direct you, but whatever the age of your cheerleaders, never underestimate the power of love,  support and fun; after all, what are friends for?

·         So what if you can’t dunk - you probably guessed it, the boys added a portable basketball hoop to hang over the trampoline- a challenge for me, but second nature for them.  Nonetheless, I did make a basket while jumping (albeit, not a dunk), but it’s the attempt and practice which brings satisfaction and then (hopefully), mastery.

·         Embrace the simple pleasures – what better way to put things in perspective when considering how life’s small joys and satisfactions really do make a difference in your days, weeks, months and years?

·         Keep learning from kids - toss out that adult brain and focus on: fun, laughter, abandon,  camaraderie, fun, exuberance, encouragement, giggles, taking turns, creativity, and did I mention, fun?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

My own work history is probably typical of most baby boomers.  I began my professional life as a teacher, left the work force for several years while raising my children, re-entered the world of work in sales, completed my M.A. and became a social worker and am presently a life/professional coach and motivational speaker. Yet, it’s estimated that today’s 20- somethings will change jobs approximately nine times during their working lives, and the experience and know-how garnered from these positions will be viewed positively by prospective employers.

In today’s economy, whether pink-slipped or needing a better career match with your own interests, goals, or financial enhancement, it may be time to think about the possibility of a different work trajectory:

·         “Makin’ a list and checkin’ it twice” – start with what your perfect job would look like, listing all the things you’ve wanted to do.  Eliminate those no longer of interest and enumerate the pros and cons of your choices; start researching what jobs are in this category.

·         Re-train, revamp, re-career – before entering the next phase of professional life, learn as much as possible about that job or industry; take classes through organizations, community colleges or other institutions, avail yourself of online instruction, industry related chat rooms, forums and  professional groups, and always network.

·         Time to update your resume – what transferable skill sets and expertise have been accrued?  How can they best be presented to future employers?

·         Technophobia – updating skills and knowledge, particularly by bridging the digitsl divide (often a necessity for older workers who see non-retirement as their best course).  

·         Avocation to vocation – is there a possibility of turning a hobby or other loved pursuits into your next job?  Volunteering can provide a chance to meet and “get a leg up” on landing an actual position in a place where you’d love to work.

·         Consider consulting – pining for work flexibility and stimulation may point youin this direction, although a steady income usually takes a while to build up.

·         Second shifts – before giving up your day job, it might be possible to also work part-time (or intern or volunteer), in an industry that has intrigued you; also presents opportunities to experience different corporate or work cultures to see what works best for you.

·         What sacrifices are you willing to make? – from taking a job “beneath” you in order to gain experience or contacts, to having to economize in order to begin a new career at an entry level position, it’s essential to be realistic about your ability to tolerate short-term difficulties for long-term benefits.

·         “Crackberry hell” – regardless of present or future work, it’s imperative to take care of “numero uno”.  Unplug the cell phone or other electronic devices when  out of the office, on week-ends, or on vacation.  A satisfying personal life is a necessity, as it’s unhealthy to work 24/7.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

When it comes to play, it’s evolution to the rescue.  Scientists believe that the need and ability to play is hard-wired into our brains, part and parcel of neurological development.   Play teaches children independence, language and physical prowess, concentration, managing and adapting to difficult situations without resorting to conflict, while becoming adept at interpreting societal rules and complex circumstances -all essential for our survival as a species.

•Long-lasting levity – play unfailingly recharges the batteries and provides a win-win situation; you can’t fail at playing, so why not indulge when success is guaranteed?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Unrealistic expectations can bring about a sense of disappointment, frustration, anger, or betrayal when an individual or situation doesn’t live up to the way things are “supposed to be”. However, the phenomenon of suspended expectations is somewhat different, having to deal with disruptive and unforeseen events that demand a shifting of gears from anticipated and predictable paths.

A prevalent myth, which still exists in most Western societies, assumes that life will run its course in a predictable and orderly manner, with a smooth transition as it progresses from one phase to the next. If you REALLY believe this, you must still believe in the tooth fairy!

In every phase of life, “expectations interrupted”, are experienced by all generations, social statuses, genders and races. Keep these ideas in mind when confronted by life’s unforeseen events:

· Ending entitlement – time for self-evaluation and eliminating the “blame game”, railing against others, karma, or God. What can YOU do to change direction, be proactive, and implement a “Plan B”?

· “Why me?”– disruption, disorder, disappointment and (sometimes) disaster strain emotional and physical coping mechanisms. Rather than becoming immobilized at this juncture, it’s imperative to incorporate and make sense of the situation or event on a daily basis, which requires persistence, encouragement and hope.

· Pandemonium’s pace– when change happens faster than can be adequately absorbed and adapted to, signs of physical and emotional exhaustion, illness, disorganization and depression are frequently manifested. This is when having support systems and caring relationships in place really counts.

· Disappointment is inherent in living – but can be the mechanism for transformation; having a “can do” attitude and viewing the future as challenging, while underscoring the essential importance of relationships and core values.

· Reinvention – imaginative, inspired and innovative responses when faced with career changes, economic hardships, thwarted ambitions or relationships; not cemented to only one identity or rigid ways of doing things.

· Crisis management – unfortunately, it often takes a life-altering event (death, divorce, health, job loss, etc.), to shake things up, reassess and re-examine life strategies. After experiencing initial shock and anger, it IS possible to explore a different side of yourself, seek support, gather information and move onward and upward.

· Where is it etched in stone? - real life might indeed be on a collision course with the “wished for” one, differing from your “grand plan”; time for a reality check and an updating of options.

· Flexibility and bounce-back bonuses – transitioning well and being proactive during life’s blips and bumps by remaining centered, organized and optimistic; can be truly liberating (but certainly not easy), to question cherished notions about values, plans, goals and dreams.

· Recapturing stability – deciphering and making sense of disruptions and assimilating them as congruently and coherently as possible.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!