Ms Chor Lor.com

The Body………..

2012-01-30T16:12:42Z

For the whole of my life, I have met and knew many men. From online internet websites to mIRC, to those days in changi, I guessed the numbers of guys that I knew and met is by the hundreds.

And among all these men, more than 90% always wants to know me, get near me only for one reason, sexual desires.

To most guy’s mindset, transgenders are for sexual satisfaction only. One that you can have sex without any worries of getting them pregnant. Someone you can just play and dump, without having to give any love or commitment or responsibility. Someone that will never be in their mind, to marry with and have children, simply because we can’t have children, and no one in their family can accept us anyway.

So to them, we are a sex object, a public toilet, a passing boat, whatever names you can think of.

Sometimes, I really felt myself pathetic. All we want, is just to be any other ordinary woman out there, finding someone to love us, and spent the rest of our lives with. Yet men get near us for the wrong reasons.

Yet we also can’t possibly turn back and decide to be a man again, just because of the fate we are suffering. We still carry on life. The wiser and stronger ones, have learnt to got loose from the clutches and manipulation of men and their lies. The weaker and desperate ones like myself, will just forever be entangled in an ocean of fantasy and dreams and hopes.

Even when we do met a man who treats us nice, there is always still a part of us deep inside, always asking and doubting, is he true, why is he good to me, what is his real motive, why does he like me etc etc. No one can ever imagine or understand how it feels, to be forever living in doubts and waries and fears.

You never know when they are telling the truth or when they are telling a lie. Every single thing they said, in our heart we are just asking silently, is that a truth or a lie.

Men like to lie, while woman are foolish to be lied to. Yet no one can imagine the kind of misery living in a world full of doubts and lies. The misery of having to doubt every single word that he said.

Posting this because a guy called me earlier. Got to know him from online some time back. The first time I met him, he obviously already showed that he wants to know me for sexual desires. After that, I decided I will not see him anymore.

Alas, he called me again today. Was so sweetly saying Happy New Year to me, how am I, do I want to meet him for dinner somewhere this week blah blah….

Yet me on the other side of the line, the only question in my mind was, what’s on his mind. Is he hoping to meet me up again, hoping to get some sexual satisfaction out from me? And I’m quite sure that he’s not really just interested in simply having a dinner with me. There’s bound to be something on his agenda.

Even though a part of me had really wished that he is really treating me as a friend and asking me out for dinner, yet I know that will just be my own wishful thinking.

However the good news is, even though most of these guys gets near me for the wrong reasons, well, I don’t know what ratio to give of, maybe every 50 guys that I know, there’s one who does not give any signs of wanting any sexual desires from me, yet we can hold a normal conversation like any other friends, still keeping that way, and is still that status, after a long period of chatting on msn or whatsapp.

I have a few of such guys who are still in contact, and I’m glad to have known them and especially one chap who is so nice to always chat with me and believe me, there’s nothing on his agenda. I just know it. Don’t ask how or why.

Share it :

The Ugly Truth……..

2012-01-09T03:03:13Z

Was flipping through friend’s photos the other day, when I came across an older friend’s profile.

Think he is 40 or 50 plus now…..to many people, including myself, his looks does not attract at all for his present looks.

But yet when I browse through his photos, I was quite shocked and impressed that he was actually very handsome when he was young.

And the sweetest part I envy him most was, he actually had a BF whom they probably been together for 10 over or even 20 over years! That’s so long and loving! Which not many gays can do that!

He had many photos of themselves together from their younger days and yes they were both so handsome in their younger days.

That also reminds me of another old sista. Her looks were not any to attract, and nobody will bother to take a second look at her. But once when she showed us her young days photos, we were shocked and wordless. It was like heaven and earth, two different person!

She was such a beauty with such a sexy figure that every woman would die for, she even won in many beauty contest during those days! From then on, we starts to respect her in a different way.

So sometimes, when we see an ugly person, someone who is not attractive at all, we tend to discriminate them whether sub or non subconciously. But yet, nobody knows, that behind that face that nobody bothers to take a second look now, is actually a face that makes many people go crazy about decades ago.

People tend to forget that looks do not last forever. Someone who is pretty now, may just turns ugly in future. But if we look at someone who is ugly now, give a second thought, that this person maybe someone you would die for, 30 years ago……..

Just like myself, people never take a second look at me now, but in my younger days, I really looked so much better……… I had quite a number of chasers then…..

So the next time you think someone who is too ugly to be your BF or GF, try to look in deeper into the heart instead…

But that is always easier said than done I know, because our eyes always gives us the first impression.

Oh ya by the way, do you know there’s a movie call The Ugly Truth? It’s about the male and female lead always bickering and debating on the topic of men and women. And eventually both fell in love. Lots of crude jokes in the movie and a funny show. You should watch itl.

Share it :

Missed my Fav Toys…….

2012-01-07T14:55:51Z

Was chatting with a friend last night when we suddenly talked about one of my favorite childhood toy. He is 10 years younger than me, he was not even born yet when this toy exist. And I think maybe a lot of people never even heard of it before, and those around my age, you’d probably even forgotten about it already.

The toy series actually also has a cartoon series that time. This is in 1985. So only those born before 1985 would probably still have some recall of it, while those born after 1985, you probably never even seen it before.

I’m talking about “The Mask”. When I told him it’s called The Mask, he even thought I was talking about the Kim Carrey The Mask lolx. But it’s not.

It’s a team of heroes where their vehicles can transform into special vehicles and fight villains. And each of the character itself wears a special mask.

I think I’m going to try and search if can still find the cartoon, really missed The Mask. It was one of my favorite toys during that time. I was only 9 years old. And I remembered I even had a few of the toy. I think I had 4 or 5 of them. And please, even though toys maybe quite cheap during those days, not everybody can afford to buy toys.

We were so poor then during that time, seriously I can’t even remember how I manage to bought the toys. Maybe my uncle bought them for me, can’t remember. Cause when I was young, my uncle doted on me and always bought toys for us……..still can remember how nice he was to me and my bro then, always buying things for us, whatever we want…….but he never talked to me anymore. He is the same uncle that I talked about somewhere in my blog, that starts to hate me ever since I became a woman and never talks to me anymore.

Anyway, managed to find a wiki on The Mask, and also some pics of the series of toys. Do you know them????

Share it :

Serious Insomnia………

2012-01-03T07:10:40Z

Just can’t have a good sleep every night.

Will be tossing around on bed, and scratching all over, very very itchy skin, every single night for at least 2 hours or 3 hours before falling asleep unknowingly……….

Mots of the time falling asleep like 2am or 3am. Yesterday worse still, totally did not sleep at all. Was just lying on bed again tossing and scratching until 7am and get ready for work.

It’s so frustrating until just feels it’s better off dead.

Can’t exactly pin point out the reason why………….how I wish I know why……..

Possible causes are …………….

dust – the expressway is just behind my opposite block. There’s so much dust flying all over, even though I clean the house once a week, I see dust accumulating on the surface the next day and the whole floor. It’s scary. And by not opening any window is not a solution as well…………

insects, mosquitoes, bugs – just below my block is a long garden and park with many tress and plants. Have seen many small bugs and moths flying into the house before. Sometime even weird weird funny looking bugs. Got a shock that day when I was cleaning the toilet and found an adult dead cockroach! My most feared! Please don’t have cockroaches in my house!

bed – wonder if the mattress is too hard for me to sleep, cause I actually felt comfortable on softer beds, like those in nice hotels when I go holiday. I sleep on the hard floor when staying with mum too, and also had sleeping problem. Maybe I need something softer to sleep on……….

And finally of course due to my irritating skin condition………..

When will I ever have some soundly nights of sleep again!

How I really wish I can sleep soundly like a pig at night!

Share it :

A Transgender Story Chapter 57 – Diary of a Mistress Chapter 1

2012-01-01T18:02:39Z

In the previous chapter…….

It’s 2012………

the start of a new chapter of my story………I call it, “Diary of a Mistress”………

Just when everybody is so happy having their countdown yesterday, I was at home with the company of my best friends luckily, but I was not happy. He was at countdown with that woman. Just like last year, he was with that woman too, but I didn’t know anything about that until later.

I had wanted to get some friends to go countdown and see some fireworks as well at first, but then I know I will only feel depressed about it when the fireworks goes off. Even when at home with my friends yesterday, we didn’t watch any of the countdown shows on TV.

Just how can one be happy when the man you love is ushering in the new year with another woman in his arms, and for 2 years? It is sad I was not in his plan at all, which should have been a waking point for any stupid woman out there. But still, I have hold on for one year……..which everyone I know in the whole world told me is a stupid thing to do. And I’m not sure if I should hold on any longer………..I’m not even sure how much longer can I hold on to……..as each day, I just felt me drawing further from him, while him drawing nearer to that woman……….

And guess what, the irony is when I use to ask him to go countdown instead, he will always brush off with the traffic jams and crowd and sweat and never wants to go. But he don’t seem to need these reasons when he chose to go with that woman twice instead. So should that be telling you that he prefer that woman’s company to yours? Obviously…………

It’s obviously you meant nothing to this man at all, that for 2 years, he spent countdown with another woman and not you. It’s probably time for any stupid woman to wake up.

By the way, if you thought that woman I’m talking about is his wife, wrong. It’s his other woman. And I’m the supposingly the other 3rd woman. I use to be the only GF in his life, the 2nd woman, until that woman came into his life one year ago, she overtook my position and I became the third. Sometimes, I feel like the spare. I feel like the one coming between them both instead. I feel like the one who is being kicked into the cold palace, now that there is a new one. All the sweet nothings and love showered on her now, I’m just like looking at myself when we first started. But everything changed place now and is showered on her now.

And of course, I’m the ultimate loser. Because she got a pussy, the ultimate weapon to capture every man’s dick.

But who can I blame on for everything that has happen? I can only blame myself. I blame myself on my fate, that I have to be a transgender. And a cheapskate one to that, falling in love with a married man in the first place, and still holding on when he already has a new woman.

But I should have know this coming when I started with him. I should have know it when I decide to be a woman that day, when what mum said was right, your body is just to let men play only.

I learnt about the truth one year ago. I broke down terribly. It was tears and tears and thoughts of death only for almost the whole year.

6 years of relationship, 2 years of lies, one year of heartache and physical torment.

It was also exactly the time when I found out the truth, it came as such a shock for me, it causes a physical hormone imbalance or sort, my skin starts to rot from top to bottom for a period. It is better now but still far from getting well. For the whole year, I always felt depressed to see my own skin. I have given up hope on it already. I have had ugly skin for one whole year already.

One doctor told me that partly my skin condition was because of anger and frustration built up emotionally in the body, that causes physical stress and changes.

Everything that happens between us, most of the time I had to bottled them up and kept it inside. There is no one to turn to. And I can’t vent it out on him, as he will just avoid everything. So I can only bottled them up.

Is love really that blind? Or can one just be so desperate for love, that they degrade themselves and make themselves a cheapskate whore.

That’s the thing with a lot of transgenders. One can really foolishly fall in love and do many stupid things, even if you knew that man don’t love you anymore. Because love is really hard to come by for us……….that when you had it, it’s just hard for you to let go…………

I came across a meaningful quote that I find it really true.

“When one cries, not because they are weak,

but because they have been strong for too long.”

To be continued……………………….

Share it :

Depression…………

2011-12-21T02:13:20Z

You know, I always just feel I have mild depression. I’m sure I do. I said mild, because till date, I have not did any serious stupid thing yet, even though for many times, I had thoughts about it, but I never had the courage to do so. Rather, sometimes, I really wish I had the courage to.

And it’s a sad thing to have this at this period of the year, when you have Christmas, followed by New Year then Chinese New Year, all suppose to be joyous period. But then it’s also logical that it is during this period when everyone else is happy and blissful, it reminds yourself of the loneliness, the emptiness and the sadness, that depression comes to you.

I have a few friends who had severe depression than me. They themselves had countless attempts of suicide. Some were gone, some still hanging around.

Depression definitely comes from where and how you grow up in. Things you been through. Hurts you bear through. When it keeps you going, people say you are strong. When it makes you fall, people say you are stupid, you are foolish.

I have always envied people with a complete happy family. Where you can confide all your troubles in your world to your brother, your sister, your mum or your dad. I know of sistas who can happily talked about their night at Changi to their mum when they reach home. How much they earned for the night, what customers they met tonight etc etc. That is quite a sweet thing for me.

From young, I can never confide in my mum. Nobody. There’s never anyone for me to confide everything in my mind. I can just always hide in some corner and cry myself out. I have to keep everything to myself, blaming it on myself or taking it out on myself, bearing everything myself.

When I blame myself, I would blame myself for being a transgender, I would blame my fate, that being a transgender, I already lose out to many wonderful things in this world and the ugly fact that I can never have many things in this world no matter how hard I try. And when I take it out on myself, I would vent my anger on myself or objects. I would beat myself against the wall, cut myself with stuffs, or bang the door, or bang stuffs and throw stuffs, It’s really miserable when you have so much inside you, and you just can’t let it out anywhere.

Even if there was, they are hardly there to listen to you through and out. Just like the day when I wanted to jump into the sea, crying and crying for 3 hours. My girl friend was there, supposingly to console me and listen to me, but there she was busy talking on the phone with her friend about parties, guys, mahjong……..but I was not angry with her. I find it hilarious. It always make me laugh when I think back about it. It was lucky enough she was there that I did not jumped in. If I had, she probably can’t have forgive herself for talking on the phone.

Sometimes though, I just think my mum is the stronger one than me. And probably I got part of the genes from her, but I don’t think I’m as strong as her though. She bear the pain of having a drug addict useless husband, a useless son who likes to spend money and never save and useless son who decides to become a woman. All of us broke her heart, but still she is standing strong……………sometimes, I really wish I could do more for her. If there is a next life, I really wish I can make it up to her…………….

It’s hard to say whether mild depression will develop into severe depression. I’m not sure if one day I will just end up like my friends. After all, many of them only had the severe breakdowns only in their 40s or 50s, which I haven’t come to that path yet……………

But at least I know, one day if I’m really gone, I have left my story behind. Not many people did. Many were just gone, with nobody knowing their story. Nobody telling their story. At least I’m glad I have left my story behind…………

Share it :

Dreams last night……..

2011-12-16T01:40:18Z

Had a few weird and nice dreams last night…….

In one of the dream, I was driving a very very old lorry out of an army camp. I’m surprised I’m driving a lorry haha, which of course I don’t know how to drive in real life actually. But I was slow and clumsy driving inside. And so I was driving towards the gate when one of the army boy guard rush over to stop me. It was like they don’t really get to see a woman in the army at all, so he was like so excited all over me, after which he gave him a quick kiss on my cheeks, which of course I was shocked. And I remember I told him ain’t he scared of his officers punishing him, giving me a kiss like that? Of course everything sounds ridiculous, but hey it’s a dream. But I do like this though, so romantic.

Next thing I knew, we were both naked having sex. Then saw one of his officers coming, we had to rush and hide and quickly get dress up avoid being discovered and punished…………

Then there was another dream, don’t know why like after some event or sort, many people were rushing to queue for the toilet, guys and gals, all super long queue. And yet the ladies toilet was spoilt and we had no where to go……

In another dream, I had a les friend and her girlfriend with me, we were hanging out together. The scary part is they were sitting at the edge of a flat, you know, like when there’s no barricade blocking, you can just fell off the edge, they were sitting by the edge enjoying the scenery, and I was sitting further behind them, fearing of the height and falling over. But this is a very very beautiful dream!

Because what we see below, are everything drawn in cartoons! The buildings, the city, it was like seeing a piece of cartoon drawing. Then they had these beautiful colorful neon glowing lights everywhere, which shines so beautifully under the night sky. It was a very very beautiful view. Then next thing I knew is another group of friends asked us to go for supper, but my friend fell asleep, and when I woke her up it was morning already and when we wanted to join the rest for breakfast, they were in Johore having breakfast…………….

This last dream also very romantic for me. I was walking pass somewhere talking on the phone mushy washy with “my lover”. Don’t know who is that, no such person in my real life either, but in the dream, he was damn sweet and sweet chatting with me on the phone. I walked pass a gay couple looking at a huge black animal, which I realise was a panther, and I knew nobody is allowed to keep a panther, they are illegal. As I walked along, suddenly a huge animal sprung on me and trapped me that I can’t move. Then the gay couple came over and asked am I calling the police? I said no no, I’m talking to my boyfriend. Weird thing is when I look at the huge animal that is weighing on me, it was not the black panther that I saw earlier, but rather a huge huge dog. The gay took my phone over and check if I was talking to my boyfriend, then they release me. But they were nice couple though, they never really wanted to harm me, in fact they were having a nice happy smiling face in the dream. I felt more sweetness than fear in this dream.

Next thing is I carry on with my walk talking on the phone with my BF. He somehow lost connection and got cut off. Then he called back, but it was a woman voice I heard, thought it was his sister or what, then realise he was imitating a woman voice and disturbing me.

Next thing I realise is I looked at my phone and it was 7.45am already…………I’M LATE FOR WORK! I’m suppose to wake up by 7.30am !

Share it :

I Love You Phillip Morris…………

2011-12-02T08:11:15Z

Dig through old movies that I haven’t watch to watch and found this one with a gay story line, and watched it not long ago.

I find it a very nice, romantic, touching and yet stupid, I mean the person, the character which was played by Jim Carrey. It was actually base on a true story, with such a person really existing. His real name was Steven Jay Russell.

The movie which is made after his life story tells about how he fell in love with a gay prison mate whose name Philip Morris. He then try to con his way to escape prison several times just to be with Philip. And of course he was still caught eventually and is still in jail for life sentence I think.

This is the actual real Steven and Philip, which in the movie was acted by Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor.

Quite a nice movie, you should watch it if you haven’t.

Share it :