Ms Chor Lor.com

Officially 36………

2012-05-20T14:29:50Z

Today is the day I’m officially 36.

I’m glad I’m 36 now. Cause exactly one year ago, this was the day that I could apply for my HDB loan. This was the day I started hunting for my flat.

And one year later today, my dream was fulfilled. I got my flat. I got my freedom too live alone.

Life is not the best now, but it is better. It also marks my first year of clearing debts and loans. Two more years to go for clearing debts before life could be back on path again.

One year down the road, my skin condition is not as worse as one year ago anymore. I really hope the day will come soon when my legs are totally healed, where I can wear short skirts and shorts……..

And one year later now, hatred and anger has become subtle in my life. I guess that’s a kind of peace that you can find when you’re staying alone.

The routine are quite fix every week.

Reaching home after work, time to feed Sasa, cook dinner for myself, watching TV, shower, bedtime, bath Sasa once a week, housework and laundry every two weeks, sometimes I even find time is not enough for so many things, that it’s already 12plus and time for bed.

Didn’t really have a grand celebration today, just went for a short break in Skudai Johor, eat sleep shop, just a relaxing weekend.

Happy Birthday Rose !

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Still feel the burden…….

2012-04-30T07:28:41Z

I thought that after staying on my own, it’s already hard enough to carry the burden of my own flat and debts, but to think at my poorest and most difficult time, I still have to carry the burden of my old house even though I’m not staying there anymore. All due to the still as useless idiot bro of mine.

Sometimes, it really feels so tired carrying all this financial burden. Sometimes I just feel like breaking down and giving up.

At times I even wonder, was it a right decision to buy my own flat after all. Before I got my own flat, I have 20k to my dispensable. After I got my own flat, I have zero to my savings, in debts for the next 3 years up to 2014, it’s not even a year yet……

This 3 years will be my most difficult time…….I really wish it will pass soon……

My take home pay is 1200 after deducting company loan. Minus away all my other loans like bike loan, HDB loan, utilities bill, HP bills, Ikea loan and giving mum $200 per month, I’m only left with $400 so to last for the whole month. And very often, mum would just ask for extra for this and for that…….like just last month alone, she took a total of $400 and I was so extremely broke for last month. And this month, she is getting more again. I’m really tired…….

And the thing is, she never asks from bro. My bro is also earning like 1.8 or 2k and yet he’s like don’t fucking help out at all, cause he always spend away all his money, leaving nothing every month. While he is eating Macdonalds every single meal, I’m eating home cook noodles and maggie mee every meal. Why am I carrying such a heavy burden, it’s tiring you know…….

Will everything only ends when I’m gone?

Sorry to sound wicked and cruel, sometimes I really wished mum would leave early, then I have an extra $200 per month to survive on……………

24 years………….ever since I started to work at the age of 16, I have become the ATM machine of the house. Even our real ATM machines have technicians to go top up the money, who is going to top up my money when I’m broke……..

I seem to be a rich person to people. It’s like everyone is turning to me for lending money. Yet no one knows how hard it is to struggle between not lending and losing a friend, and lending and ending myself in deep shit.

Some people are envious and impressed that I have my own flat, my own bike, yet no one will ever knows the price you have to pay to have all these…….or did I deserve it myself, and brought it upon myself for being so greedy and wanting all these and landing myself into all these…..?

For more than half of my life, It just feels my whole and only purpose in life is to work, earn money and give to mum and paying debts………nothing else……..

It’s just so expensive even to stay alive in life……

And I’m so angry that I just can’t and haven’t quit smoking and save up that extra $200+ per month…….

I don’t even have a shoulder to lean on when I’m tired……………….

The only good thing that may happens if I’m gone tomorrow, mum and bro gets to inherit my flat 100% without having to pay loan anymore………..

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A Transgender Story Chapter 59 – Diary of a Mistress Chapter 3

2012-04-27T08:50:25Z

In the previous chapter………

There was a gathering chalet for Sgbutterfly members. He had actually asked me to go all along, but I kept thinking about it.

Eventually, I decide to drop by and say hi to some people I know.

I went there quite late at night, I think 8 plus or so. He came over and chat with me. I told him I will only stay for a short while and I am going to work at Changi after this. At that period, I occasionally went down to Changi to work on Sat nights to earn some extra.

But then he asked me not to go work and stay over for the night and accompany him. I was hesitant. But as I already have a booking from a regular customer, I still have to go and told him ok I will probably come back again after that.

I went back to the chalet after meeting my customer and did not go work. I chatted with the other sistas there through quite late at night about 3 to 4am. He himself had already gone to sleep much earlier. By the time I go to sleep, there was like no space to sleep anymore. So I tried sleeping at a corner on the floor. That was when he woke up and asked me to sleep with him on the bed. And so I went…..

We ended up cuddling, hugging and kissing on bed. I was actually quite surprise it happens. Cause for half a year or so, he had always kept a distance from me and draw the line clearly that we will not get involve. I was shock when everything happens tonight. I don’t know what’s on his mind.

The next day when we woke up, most of them were still sleeping. We decide to go to the beach for a chill. As we walk along, he starts to hold my hand. So I asked him what it’s all about.

He said he finally decides to go with his heart and won’t distance me away anymore. But that I should also know the situation, and that I should be prepared and knows that there will never be a happy ending if I want in on this relationship.

Seriously, I was confused at that time. I know what I’m going into. But then I also can’t stop my feelings for him. And plus loneliness, I commit into this relationship……….

I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know how far we will go. But I just know that, for every moment that I have him, that he’s with me, I’m contended and happy enough.

Live for today and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes……..

And so begins…………..a new chapter of my life, becoming a mistress………………

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One Year Soon……..

2012-04-25T09:31:55Z

In another month’s time, I will be 36.

In an wink of an eye, had moved out into my own flat for almost a year now.

And I know lots of people had been complaining that my posts are getting lesser ever since, and I admit that, well there are a few reasons to it………

Firstly, I do not have an internet connection at my own place. So I can’t log in as often as I use to anymore.

Secondly, seriously, I think I have got much more lazier ever since I move into my place. After the long awaited years of wanting to live alone, I now finally have my own space to indulge in everyday.

Everyday after work, reaching home, I will be feeding Sasa her dinner, then cooking dinner for myself, then watching TV until 11 or 12 plus and went to bed. The routine is almost the same everyday.

Didn’t blog much for this month because practically, went to Malaysia for a the weekend break 3 times for this month. Twice KL and once Malacca.

But recently, Loneliness starts to sank in…….

I guess that’s the price one pays for for having freedom of staying alone.

Facing the huge empty house every night, with just Sasa accompanying me, suddenly it just felt so empty.

I started to miss Mum’s cooking. When I use to stay with her, I would have dinner cooked by her at least 3 times a week. Now I rarely get to taste her cooking anymore. And I don’t want her to travel too much to my place as well cause she has high blood pressure. Sometimes I would feel so lazy to cook even, I would just skipped dinner. Cause it’s always the same thing, cooking either maggie mee or bee hoon or mee sua and dump in mince pork, sausage and crab meat and egg.

And when I use to stay with her, I have someone to talk to at times.

But now, everything is gone. The whole place is so quiet, I can only talk to my Sasa. Sometimes crying alone too, feeling lonely.

I sort of miss home………yes I do miss home…….

Yet the good thing about the past year though is, I find my hatred and anger about life and many other stuffs, slowly fading away, slowly finding peace. But I still have my mild depression at times haha, that is when I started crying for no reason, feeling lonely.

I don’t felt anger and hatred for my dad anymore. Not my bro anymore. I don’t get angry for long anymore.

Anyway, starting from now, I will try to be back to my blog again.

Sorry to have kept you all waiting……

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You raised me up……..

2012-03-19T09:59:22Z

You Raised Me Up, a song by Josh Groban. An emo song that will always brings me to tear, thinking about life and all the pains. Go listen to the song, it’s nice.

It makes me think of my mum. She raised a son, who eventually decides to become a woman. That kind of hurt and sadness in her, I will never ever experience or understand.

Not only to me, but maybe to any other parents out there with a son who is transgender and decides to become a woman. The kind of hurt and sadness in them, which we never knew.

Yet, our parents are free from another kind of hurt and pain which they will never know and feel, except for ourselves. The kind of pain we have to go through, to transit and become the opposite sex. The amount of discrimination and ridicule and outcast we had to go through.

The kind of hurt we have to go through, finding a man to love and who love us, but ending up being dumped, being trampled like trash, like a piece of public toilet, where they just left after using it.

All these pains and hurts, we could never let our parents knew. We can never confide them with our parents definitely. Just imagine the even more amount of hurt and pain they have to go through, when they knew the son they had brought up are being treated like trash by men.

Of course, no parents bring us up for the purpose of being thrashed by men. Yet under the unfortunate hands of fate, that is the kind of life we have to go through. We just want to find love like any other woman out there. We did nothing wrong. Even if we did foolish things for the sake of love, was it wrong of us at all?

I knew myself, if I am the mum of such a transgender, I would definitely absolutely be heartbroken to know how hard fate is on us. Forever almost never possible finding true love, but just being use like public toilet.

My best friend had been committing suicide a lot lately, also because of a man who don’t love her. A man who just wants to live off her, getting money from her, living free on her, getting a free fuck from her. She had been in and out of hospital several times. And one day, one day, she might just really leave. But probably she never really meant to seek death at all. Cause they were never serious enough to end up in death, just minor enough to land her in hospital.

Of course, we will all be scolding her for being foolish. But face it for those who do not know, that’s really some foolish thing many transgenders would do for love. And to tell you, she is already above 50.

While I am saying her for being foolish and to give up on such a man, I myself am not doing any better either. And while I’m saying her for being foolish, seriously inside, I admire her courage for seeking death to her sorrow. Something which for so long, I never ever had the courage to do so, after going through so much, when at so many times I wanted to. Part of me inside, there is a me that just wishes I have the courage like her to seek death.

But I think there is something I’m still holding on to………….

I think it’s some fantasy that I have been dreaming of since young, and is still waiting for………..

True Love……………..

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A Bisexual schoolboy’s love story Part 6

2012-03-12T08:45:51Z

In the previous chapter………..

on my way home, I receive a SMS from Long. He said “hey, I have broken up with LL.” So I replied him back, “then?”. He replied, “nothing.and he’s going to sleep.” I was wondering why did he tell him, then I thought maybe cause I’m his friend and so I never thought much.

During the weekend, he sent me many caring messages. And I felt as if someone’s caring for me again, it’s such a stranger but wonderful feeling.

One day he message me,”I’ll fetch you tomorrow.Let’s go to school together.”I said ok.

We met at the train station that morning. On the way, he say he’ll bring me to buy a facial wash before going to school, cause he said the one I’m using in school is almost finish.

Back at the dorm, me, Long and monkey were hanging out in the room. While monkey was doing his homework, which is as usual, me and Long was playing around on the bed. And just when we throw the blanket and covered ourselves……………..we kissed…………….

And so since that day, our relationship was confirm……

The day we kissed was Monday, it’s Tuesday today. Me, monkey, Long and another friend was in the dorm. Then monkey suggested we go for dinner. Long asked monkey and his friend to go first and we will follow shortly. Monkey gave me a funny look. After they left the room, Long locked the door and sprung onto me…………..

He hugged me so tightly, with his eyes looking right at me. He looks so gorgeous. He then kissed me lightly and we kissed. After a while, we left and catch along with monkey.

Monkey and his friend had waited for so long. His friend nagged at us a bit for taking so long. While monkey who probably had guessed why, gave me that evil smile and look. During the whole dinner, Long kept holding my hand. I knew I had found love again…………

Now let me clarify a bit first. Our dorm is suppose to stay 8 person. But one quit school so we are left with 7 person in the dorm. I was sleeping on the upper deck while Long was sleeping below me.

That night, I looked down my bed and saw him looking back at me. So I use my handphone and type him a message, “why haven’t sleep?”. He replied me, “looking at your cute eyes shining like the stars”. How happy I felt at that moment!

It was 2009, Nov 16 when we were together. After one week together, I felt it was like the happiest moment in my life, because I thought that Long is mine and only mine. I have fall deeply in love. When I’m in love, I fall deeply in. On that first weekend, after he send me home, he told me I can go to his house next Saturday. I was so happy when I reached home, I kept wishing Sat will be here soon!

And very soon, Saturday came. I went to wait for him at the MRT near his house at the time agreed. He came and fetch me on his bicycle. It was a familiar sight, Tao Tao. But I’m sure I’m not treating him as a substitute for TaoTao. Saw his parents when we reached his place. They were quite old already. They had Long at a very late time. Long is very filial to his parents. After a short chat with his parents, we went straight to his room. He said he wanted a shower and then play computer game for a while. he had a queen size bed in his tiny room! After he played his game, I suggested we watched Brokeback Mountain together. We went to bed after watching it.

He switched off the lights and lighted a cigarette. He then said to me, “You fool, don’t think I’m stupid ok. Don’t think I don’t know why you asked me to watch Brokeback Mountain ok. Anyway don’t worry, we could be playing chess in the park when we are both 60 years old.” I smiled sweetly thinking of what he just said. Then we took off our clothes and hug each other, kissing………..and you know what happens next………..

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Three Musketeers…………..

2012-02-22T02:16:09Z

It’s not the story of the movie or story about the 3 Musketeers.

It’s the story of myself and 2 other long close friends.

3 of us, longest had known since 1992 I think, which is almost 20 years now. His name is S. He had known me since I was a gay boy. We went clubbing together, and we will always hang out till morning at Raffles Place. He also had a tough life like mine. But he’s not a trans though, he’s just a gay man.

He had a very good looking BF last time, whom everyone just says he look like Aaron Kwok Fu Chen. The two of them are always bickering. They were together for quiet a long time.

In the later years, after I became a woman, then I got to know M. He was a real petite small size guy, and he is so super super skinny, he only has a 24 size waist!

He stays just near my place, so last time we will also always hang out together.

Eventually the 3 of us grew close. Going clubbing together and hanging out together.

But those were in our prime years, when we were all still young.

As time goes by, as we grow up, all of us got busy with our own life and work.

Yet after so many years later, fate and destiny brought the 3 of us back together again.

I bought my flat at Telok Blangah in May 2011. Making my house slightly even nearer to M. So of course I told him the good news and that he definitely must drop by someday. A few days later, S called me and told me he also just bought his own flat. And the wonderful news is he had also moved into our Telok Blangah neighborhood!

He used to rent a place all over, his actual house where his mum stays is in Jalan Besar.

Another few days later, M also gave us a good news. He too had bought his own flat! And it’s just a few blocks away from his mum place, within walking distance. S actually stays nearer to M also, very within walking distance. As for me, I’m slightly further away from them, where you actually need to take a short 5 min bus trip. But nevertheless, the 3 of us are just so near each other!

And it wasn’t like we purposely arrange and decide to buy a flat in Telok Blangah area. It just happens. Cause Telok Blangah is a prime area. Very central and near everywhere. Tiong Bahru Plaza, Vivocity, Sentosa and Orchard are all just within reach from us.

And the 3 of us bought a different size flat haha. Mine is a one room, S bought a 2 room, while M bought the most ex 3 room. And M is the better well off guy among us. He is a store manager for a high end boutique, earning a decent high pay, always going for holidays.

S’s life will be almost as tough as mine. With a complicated background, he too has been struggling hard through all these years.

I felt happy for S too. At least I got help from friends and many people when I buy my flat. While he struggle quite a lot before getting his own flat. In fact he only manage to get his own flat 2 years later at age 37, cause we can buy flat at age 35 mah. I’m glad he finally also got a house of his own.

S is the more lucky one in relationship. He always had a BF since the time I knew him, and they always lasted very long. And he has been with his current BF for 5 years, a very dashing young guy, which all gay man will drool for. And the two of them are happily staying together. M is the kind who don’t want to settle down, so he don’t like the idea of a BF. While me is the one who is always searching and waiting for a real BF. Hopefully one day I may find a BF who will stay with me living happily ever after also.

S is indeed one of my closest friend since young. He is one of the few in this world who truly understands me and my character. Even though I had like 800 over friends in my Facebook friend list, I only probably knows half of them in person. And I really wonders how many out of them truly understands me. While S has not failed in this haha. He is one of the few who knows that I only like to drink chilled coke, that I like guys in specs, that I will only bear a grudge on a person when they step on my tail etc etc.

It’s been 20 years now, and it really brought back memories of our younger days whenever we chatted about it.

Such an irony, last time when I had BF and no house, they can never come to my house or spend the night. Now that I have a house, I have no BF to come over my house.

Half a year later today, me and S had settled down in our homes already. M is still renovating his house. We had often and regularly hang around each other’s place during these few months, cooking dinner and hanging out.

After so many years of getting busy with each’s own life, destiny has now brought us back together again. Probably preparing us when we get old, so we can still hang out with each other and staying near.

Long time friends do last.

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A Transgender Story Chapter 58 – Diary of a Mistress Chapter 2

2012-02-17T03:20:59Z

In the previous chapter…….

It all began 6 years ago………….. we got to know each other online from mIRC. He messaged me first and sent me a pic of his. Attractive was not a word to be seen on him. He did not mention about him being married then too. I just remembered him saying bringing his “niece” for tuition when it was actually his daughter. It was only later that he finally told me he’s a married man.

Which was why when he tried asking me out for coffee several times, I always rejected him as I know I don’t want to get near a married man, just in case I fall in love with one. And never expected that I really did one day……

Eventually finally one day, I finally agreed to meet him up for a coffee. He was still driving the company mini van then and I was still working as a despatch then. He fetched me and we went for coffee at Coffeebean at East Coast.

Even though he was not attractive in looks, he is very good at talking and coaxing a woman. Which today, I finally understood that that is also his weapon which makes so many woman go to bed with him.

After that time, we went out for coffee several times more. And for the very first time ever in my life, someone who brought me for a wonderful romantic dinner by the sea over at Sentosa, Tripizza Restaurant. That had been such a wonderful and beautiful night.

As time goes by, like any movie scripts and drama scripts, I eventually starts to have feelings for him. I knew it was wrong and there will never be an outcome. Yet you should understand that when love comes, you just can’t stop them.

Often I will wonder, if nothing had started back then, would life had been different for me today? Because frankly, he was also the one who helps to change a lot of my life to what I am today. Even though he was the man who gives me the most heartaches, even though he was the man who made me cries most, yet he was also the man who truly treats me as best he could (used to)….

Had I not been a weak coward who dare not commit suicide, I would have been long gone today.

I did profess my feelings for him to him. But he also knew that we can’t be together, so he kept keeping me at a distance and kept telling me that we can never be together……

In fact, we sort of distance off for a period of 1 or 2 months. It all began after that day I went to his chalet. If only I had not decided to go to that chalet, maybe all these won’t have started……

I will forever remember that fateful day, 25th Feb 2006.

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