I’ve borrowed these words from F. D. Roosevelt, who used them to address the people of America during the Great Depression. This very sentence actually sounds as follows: »The only thing we have to fear is fear itself … which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance!«

My question is: »Was Roosevelt correct or not? Does fear actually block you from taking action or does it motivate people to move forward?«

Contrary to what audiences might be inclined to believe (at least this always happens in my workshops), fear of loss is a much greater motivator than the idea of growth or benefit. The research, namely, shows that people are far more scared of losing what they’ve already got than getting what they don’t have. Despite the fact that it can greatly improve their way of living or working.

We must also note, however, that the fear can and does paralyze if you don’t tell people what and how to do to reduce or avoid danger.

And again, just like suggestions from the previous blog, you can use this principle in personal and professional environment. Let me give you an example. How do you talk to your three-year old, who refuses to brush his/her teeth? Parents usually say something like: »Nina, unless you brush your teeth immediately, we won’t watch any Mickey Mouse cartoons before going to bed.« And if this doesn’t work: »Not only tonight, but for the whole week.« Then we should just add: »Now … if you want to keep on watching the cartoons, take the toothbrush and brush your teeth well.«

The fact that there will not be any cartoons works much better than » … and you’ll have beautiful, white teeth, just like a princess.« And the brain of your adult audiences works just the same.

Let’s imagine you want to persuade your client to buy something, which can greatly improve their way of working. You can say something like: »Based on how you manage your orders right now, along with the volume of monthly orders, you can face even larger problems in future by delivering wrong or faulty products, or by failing to deliver on time. This can cost you penalties and above all – orders.«

It’s imperative that you don’t stop here. You must continue by telling them how to reduce this danger: »To avoid this, I suggest you … (explain what and how)!«

Again, a much better motivator than: »Based on how you manage your orders right now, along with the volume of monthly orders, our system can help you process, deliver and track the goods far more effectively. You’ll have more satisfied clients and as a result more orders and larger sales.«

And then someone from the audience in my workshop would go: »It’s not ethical scaring people!« And my reply would be: »It is YOUR responsibility as a parent to prevent huge dental problems of your children and again YOUR responsibility of a consultant or a vendor to tell your client what can happen unless they follow your suggestions.«

Would you like me to run a workshop on persuasion for your organization? Click here for a contact sheet or simply mail me by clicking here.

I got an inspiration for this series of posts in one of my May 2010 workshops. We had a meeting simulation, we recorded it to have a clearer idea of the feedback I gave to all the participants.

At a certain point one of the participants started his argument as follows: »To overcome this inconvenience, I believe we should look for a completely different approach!«

What bothered me was that the sentence suggests an argument, based on a rather subjective point of view, using “I believe”. And this makes it poor in terms of being persuasive.

So, why not sharing with all the readers a few useful tips on how to verbalize better their arguments. And you can use them at work and at home.

“IT’S A BRAND NEW THING”

When you start an application, very often you are offered to update it: “A new version of XYZ is available. Update now?” How many of you click “yes” immediately and how many “later”? Actually, I am one of those who, at least in IT, would go for “never” if it were available. It’s not.

What if the invitation for an update read differently: “A version similar to the one you’re already using is available. Update now?” I bet the number of users, who would be willing to update to a newer version would increase instantly.

What if the invitation went like this: “A version similar to the one you’re already using is available. It just offers two new features, A and B, which can save you around 15% of time doing the reports! Update now?” I can only guess what would happen, but according to the principle explained below, we’d all be updating the version like crazy.

WHAT’S THE STORY BEHIND?

When you want to persuade either your clients to buy something or your staff to change their current mode of working or your children to go to a new school, because you’ve moved, using words like: brand new, completely different, you’ll be the first using it, it’s just come out … it’s very likely it will produce counter effects.

Why is that? By trying something new, not tested, unknown, used by very few makes people feel unsafe and endangered. It also encourages change, which we all want to avoid at all costs, because changes involve time, energy, money …

So, when you want to sell a new product just tell your client that it’s exactly as the one they already have, it only allows them to do this and that, which can save them time and money. You can do the same with your staff suggesting that the use of the proposed system can make their work easier, reduce the number of errors and like this – saves time and money. And the school is never new, it’s been there for years. They have the same curriculum, your son will be going in the same grade, it’s just that this school gives him the chance to meet some new friends. That’s it.

Instead of taking your listeners to the unknown, make them feel safe, secure, leave them in their comfort zone. On their old and scruffy couch.

Training for the Open Public

Program:

1. Harvard Negotiation Model
2. Practical Applications of the Persuasive Structure
3. Assertive Communication Approaches
4. Recognizing Conflict Language Patterns
5. Selected NLP Techniques and Methods
(calibration, PRLL, VAKOG, submodalities, Meta and Milton model)

When: July 8-9, 2010; 14.30 - 18.30

Where: Maribor, Slovenia (Zavarovalnica Grawe, Gregorčičeva 2)

Fee: 300,00 € (VAT exclusive)

Registration and information: click here

Trainer: Mojca Žirovnik Bocelli

Training for the Open Public

When: March thru April 2010

Where: Ljubljana, PlanetGV, Einspielerjeva 6

Registration and information: click here

Trainers: Mojca Žirovnik Bocelli and Matteo Bocelli

I promised in one of early posts to introduce an NLP technique, which can help you overcome the fear of public speaking. Before I tell you more about this, you probably know yourselves that the best way to get rid of the fear of public speaking is -  REHEARSAL. As simple as that. Practice the speech out loud and it will not only boost your self-confidence, but also give you a better idea of what to expect once you get on stage.

If you combine rehearsal with the technique below, you stand good chances of turning your public speaking performance into a breathtaking event. What do you have to do?

Step One
Figure out what you need to successfully overcome the fear of public speaking. For example: “I need self-confidence, determination and motivation to practice.”

Step Two
Browse your life experience and find (an) occasion(s), where you performed or acted as extremely self-confident, determined and had motivation to practice and learn. Look for extremely positive events. If you don’t have any of their own, because it might be that you have never in your life been as self-confident as you would like to or have never had enough determination or motivation to complete different tasks, borrow them from someone you know (a colleague from work, a friend, a relative …) or from a famous person (e. g. someone who can speak extremely well in public).

Step Three
After you have found them (it), close your eyes, move a step forward and imagine you are now in a situation, where you were as self-confident as you would like to be to overcome the fear of public speaking. While your eyes are closed, and you are completely relaxed, go through what was going on:

• WHO OR WHAT YOU SEE, what are the colours, how big or small are the things or people that you see, are they moving or standing still; you need to see positive so add colour, enlarge small things, which should be big, change the weather if necessary from rain to sunshine …;

• WHO OR WHAT YOU HEAR; what are the sounds like, how’s the music in the background, what and how are people saying things; let me remind you again that you need powerful events with powerful sounds; keep in mind that you can also hear the silence;

• HOW YOU FEEL; if you have found a very powerful event or experience from your life, you’ll feel hilarious, overwhelmed by your success or performance and this is what you need;

Step Four
Afterwards go through what you see, hear and how you feel again and when the images are the most intense, the sounds most pleasant and when you feel the most self-confident anchor them: clench a fist, make an OK sign or any other gesture you feel comfortable with and can use it discreetly before any public speaking performance.

Now repeat Steps Three and Four for determination and motivation to practice. Each time you make another step forward.

Step Five
After you have anchored all three features (self-confidence, determination and motivation), open your eyes, step to the left or right and break state.

Step Six
Go back to where you were standing before. Close your eyes, breath deeply, relax. When you are ready, fire off your anchor – your gesture (clench a fist, make an OK sign …). What happens is that you instantly get access to your resources: self-confidence, determination, motivation.  All of them have been stacked on your fist. By firing off your anchor, you should feel exactly as you felt when you were going through the events for each of the features above.  If this doesn’t happen, try the following:

1. Go through Steps Three and Four again, for all three features; add colour, change sizes or shapes or the moods, behaviour of the people in your image/event; examine what you hear, perhaps the sounds are too loud, too unpleasant, too quiet …, maybe you just need a deafening crescendo of an applause ☺, check also your feelings if the event you have chosen fits your needs to overcome the fear of public speaking; do Step Six again;
2. If you still don’t get the results you should, you have probably chosen people or events, which are not powerful enough. In this case look for more intense, powerful, stronger events, where self-confidence, determination, motivation are exactly what you need and start all over.

Step Seven
Now it’s time to go into your future public speaking event. Make another step forward by stepping into your next public speaking event. When you are there, fire off your anchor-your gesture and observe what happens to you … What do you see, hear, how do you feel? What you see is satisfied audience, who likes your speech and is giving you the applause you deserve. You leave the stage as a winner and it feels great. Absolutely fantastic.  All your efforts are paid off. You did it.

You need to do this process frequently, not just a day before the speech, because it won’t get you the results you want. Start today to be PREPARED when the time comes.

If  you have read the first article on public speaking about how to overcome the stage freight, it’s time to get a bit more practical. Before we do so, I’d like to tell you that in one of my future posts, I’ll share with you some hands-on techniques, based on neurolinguistic programming (NLP), which you can use to beat the stage freight better and easier.

1. Don’t Apologize!

Let’s talk about what you do when you get on the stage. One of the worst things to begin with is to apologize. About anything. If you are holding a speech or a presentation in a foreign language people may start like:

»I haven’t practised (English, Japanese …) for a while, so I’m a bit rusty. I hope you’ll understand anyway …!«

The sentence above is actually a double mistake. It’s an apology and a joke. Could it possibly be worse than that?

What about: »It is my best intention today to tell you about …« No, I’m sorry, this sounds as an apology as well. Don’t do it.

2. Tell Your Audience About the Questions!

We spoke in the earlier post on public speaking about Q&A session. This is not what I’m talking about right now. I’m referring to how to deal and answer questions, which come from your audience while you’re speaking.

If your speech is good, the audience will follow it eagerly and will tend to ask questions. This is what you want. At the right moment, of course. My suggestion therefore is to allow questions, which clarify misunderstandings:

»Did you say ninety percent or nineteen?«

Content-related questions, especially the ones, which might provoke a longish or heated discussion are better left for Q&A session:

»Mojca, just a moment. You said that … I heard in another seminar that … Can you comment on that?«

Of course I can comment on it and I always do. So in situations such as this one, my reply might be:

»I expected a question such as yours. Why don’t I put it down and we’ll talk about it during Q&A session. Is that OK with you?«

3. Add to Your Style.

Read the tips below to sound more interesting, to engage your audience better in what you’re doing and to have more success with your performance:

a) Rhetorical Questions

These are questions, which do not expect to be answered. Such a question rather invites the audience to fill in an obvious answer (Who could have possibly done the job better?) or provokes a thought (And if not now, then when?).

You can also use them to:

- to present your idea:

• This is the third year in a row that we’ve managed to increase our sales volume. So, how did we do it?
• Business opportunities on the Balkans are growing.
• So, what do you need to know to do business with them?
• The fact is that we’ve been slacking off. Our products are becoming less competitive. What’s the way out? The way out is to launch a new product.

- to add emotions

• The question is: »How small, specifically, IS the risk?«
• So, just how convinced AM I that we can do it?

b) Dramatic Contrasts

In early seventies this was just a swamp.
Today, it’s one of the biggest and most successful entertainment centres in the world.

Public speaking is not about you.
Public speaking is about them.

c) Tripling

Three important points seem to be the most an audience can easily keep in their heads at one time.

• What are our retail stores known for? Better service, bigger discounts and – lower prices.
• What is this product about? It’s about being sexy, being flirty, being – a woman.

d) Machine-Gunning

Earlier I said that three points was the most an audience can comfortably remember. If you add one or two, they’ll forget some of them. But if you make six or seven or even eight, it’s true that noone will remember all of them. That’s not what you want to do. You simply want to impress and this is exactly the effect of machine-gunning.

We want to sell more, right? So why don’t we change the attitude about the female market? Let’t think of her as SENSUOUS, EMOTIONAL, COLOURFUL, CURVACEOUS, CARING, LOVING, POWERFUL, ASSERTIVE and UNIQUE creature of this world.

e) Simplification

It’s a kind of a general rule that the simpler you sound, the more impact you will have on your audience. What is also true is that using deliberately short sentences will have an extremely powerful effect on your audience.

Compare:

Long:
Should we reorganize the distribution completely at this point? I fear it wouldn’t work, because we don’t have enough time.

Simplified:
Reorganize distribution? Wouldn’t work. No time.

4. Focus Your Conclusion on Pathos

The conclusion of your speech (peroratio) does not conclude any new information, which might just confuse your listeners shortly before you leave the stage. It rather sums up and makes a final plea to the audience, asking them for the agreement. It usually focuses on pathos (makes an emotional appeal).

This is how I ended my speech on one of the occasions, where I addressed the audience of chief training officers in a conference:

Although I live in Florence, Italy, I use a washing machine of Slovenian production, shop in Ikea, which was built by Trimo, a Slovenian construction company and share a glass of extraordinary white wine from northeast Slovenia with my father in law, a dedicated sommelier. He thinks it’s out of this world.

I am not only proud that we have the knowledge to produce, I am above all proud that we export it. With your help.

For public speaking trainings with video recordings, please click here and send me an e-mail or fill in a form to receive a customized program.

Have you ever tried to enter »Ten Worst Human Fears« in your search engine? And if you have, how surprised were you when you realized that the worst human fear is not really the fear of dying, getting terribly sick or going bankrupt, but a rather boring fear of Public Speaking?

To be more precise: 41% of people are afraid of public speaking, 32% of heights and 22% of insects and bugs. To me this is extremely interesting as I am NOT afraid of public speaking. On the contrary. This is my job and I love it.

But if you are one of those or are maybe just a bit insecure of holding a speech in front of different audiences, let me share a few tips with you, which definitely help.

1. “Do Not Be Yourself.”

Don’t even try! I was quite appalled the other day when in one of the workshops one of the participants shared with everybody this tip, given to him by another trainer.

Perhaps this tip was interpreted wrong, but without proper training in public speaking and above all, without proper preparation – on the stage – you’ll freeze. The audience will sense it and you will lose your credibility.

It is my firm opinion that people sometimes take this advice too lightly. If you don’t know anything about the appropriate body language in public speaking, if you don’t know how to hook and motivate your audience, respond to potentially hostile questions and how to conclude your speech powerfully then just – stay at home. You’re wasting yours and the time of your audience.

2. Sweep Them Off Their Feet Right at the Beginning!

The easiest and safest way of starting your speech is telling them what you’re going to talk about. Like they don’t know what they’ve come for. You can do better, can’t you?

There are several ways of how to start your speech, but the most effective of them all is sharing with your audience something personal. By doing that you’ll kill several birds with only one stone. You will:

- reduce the so called rhetorical distance between you and the audience;
- be perceived as a »human being«, as one of your audience, which is essential for building a relationship with them;
- get your message across with less effort and more effect;

Whatever you share with them must, by all means, be relevant to your topic and must not include any discrimination.

3. Look Forward to Q&A Session!

If this is relevant for your performance look forward to it. It doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes you just have a speech and then leave the stage, without inviting the audience to ask questions.

But, the bottom line is that your performance will be more credible if you do the Q&A session. The mistakes that people make at this stage are several and one of them is inviting the audience too casually to ask questions. It looks like you want to run away. Don’t. Mind your body language and maintain it as positive as you can. What usually happens after your invitation for questions is that your upper body gets locked. You either put your arms behind your back and clench your fists, cross your arms in front or start backing. All these indicate you don’t want them to interfere, but this has its price. You have just put your credibility at a stake.

During your preparation for the speech you have probably also guessed what sort of questions people might ask and have prepared answers. If this is so, show them that you CAN.

4. What to Do Before Leaving the Stage!

What do you think about »thank you«? Not very effective, I must say. Also: »That’s all from me!« or »That’s all for today« and the like are too weak and ruin the balance between you and your audience. You as the speaker - lose.

Instead rather say something like:

»It’ll be my pleasure talking to you further during the break.«
»Nice sharing with you and I’m looking forward to meeting you soon.«
»Next week I am having a similar presentation on … in … You are more than welcome.«

If you are interested in an intensive public speaking training, please, contact me by clicking here or fill in this form.

Quite some time ago, I read in one of the books that people, who ask questions, run conversations, dialogues (e. g. negotiations, meetings, presentations …). And this is true. A question seems like a polite request directed to your partner, who usually doesn’t have a choice, but to answer it. Provided, the questions are skillfully formed.

What is a skillfully formed question?

In the first place it should be “diplomatic” enough, asked as naturally as possible, because otherwise it looks like a police investigation. And this disrupts the relationship balance, your partner will feel under attack and will cease to collaborate.

Most diplomatic are the so called indirect questions, for instance:

These always sound far friendlier than direct questions:

And of course, we always prefer asking open to closed questions, which provide us with the information we need to proceed towards the goal. Compare for example:

“How can we extend the guarantee for this product?” and “Can you extend the guarantee for this product?”

The latter inevitably ends in a “yes” or “no” and if the answer is “no”, the discussion starts revolving around the “no reasons”, in other words you do not really communicate in the so called option frame, but the problem frame.  You have assumed the outcome is a fixed slice of pie.

Whether in the first one, you address options, open possibilities of finding ways of how to do it and encourage your partner to start thinking about it. You communicate in the so called option frame.

Among open-ended questions, which in English all start with WH-question marks, the WHY question is less appropriate than others. It’s not forbidden as some might advise, only less appropriate. The reason is the same as explained previously. With too many “why” questions you do not address options, but problems. You make people justify themselves and their decisions and this is no springboard for a relationship, which is based on trust and leads to agreements.

Why not reframing “why” questions into “what” questions to discuss options:

“What are the reasons for not being able to do that?” is better than “Why can’t we do that?”

“What makes you say that?” is better than “Why are you saying this?”

The following tips can be applied in virtually any context, be it a job interview, your first meeting with a client or just having a business lunch with someone you haven’t met in person before. Moreover, they can also be used in private, not only in professional life.

Always keep in mind that you have very little time to make a good first impression. Around four minutes. This is the time in which your partner will form up to 90 percent of their opinion about you. And around 70 percent will be nonverbal.

What can you do?

1. What to do in the Reception Area?

Never sit down although you’ll be invited to do so. Always stand, preferably hand in hand behind your back and slowly rock back and forth on your feet. This body language works as a constant reminder that you are still there, waiting.

2. How to Enter the Office/Room?

Just walk in and do not hesitate. Do not stand or linger at the doorway like a schoolkid, walk in directly, confidently. Put down your briefcase or whatever is in your hand, shake hands and sit down. If you want to demonstrate assertiveness walk briskly, not too fast, with medium-length strides.

3. Smile!

While entering - smile. Your partner does not want to be around grumpy people and neither do you.

4. It’s time to Shake Hands!

Shake the other person’s hand at a 90 degree angle. Never shake across the desk and let your partner decide when to end the handshake. Don’t do the “dead fish” handshake, don’t crush their bones, rather return the pressure you receive.

5. Use their Name.

This is imperative! Use your partner’s name twice if possible during the first fifteen seconds. You’ll build instant rapport. Provided, of course, you have used their name correctly. Say, for instance:

“Pleased to meet you, Mr Harrison!”
“Mr Harrison, pleased to finally meet you!”
“Thank you, Mr Harrison (after you’ve been invited to take a seat)”!

6. Sitting down.

If you’ve been offered a seat directly facing your partner, just turn it away forty-five degrees from the person to avoid the so called reprimand position. If you can’t move the chair, just moving your body will do.

7. How to exit?

Pack calmly, deliberately, shake hands, turn, walk out. When you get to the door turn around slowly and – smile. If the door was open when you entered, close them after you’ve left.

If you’d like to have more information on body language, please, click here or mail me on: office@mojcazirovnik.com.

I was watching a movie today, an Italian one of recent production, titled: “Italians!” And the movie ended saying: “La vita e troppo breve per non essere Italiano (Life is too short not to be Italian)”!

And I understood that as an invitation to all viewers of this movie to “loosen up”, “follow your heart”, “go with the flow” … Perhaps I’m wrong, but I don’t think so.

It’s totally true that if – in our lives – we did some things that Italians do regularly, our life would be better. Such as?

Take your time for a morning coffee (instead of a takeaway), have a dinner with your family once a day, where you know that what you’re going to eat is so healthy that you do not have to worry at all about the calories (a dish of pasta with tomato sauce is less heavier than a ham sandwich with mayo).  And after that – feel free to have an amazing “gelato”!

Park “all over the place”, and don’t worry if your car gets scratched (from time to time), it’s all about steel, anyway. Offer yourself a pair of amazing (Italian) shoes, preferably with a high heel (I’ve read in a magazine that an average Italian woman spends 500 euro per year on shoes.) And the only type of shoes worth splashing out on are stilettos.

For male readers … Never stop wooing! As a woman, married to an Italian, I can tell you that I never turn down an invitation to a nice, little place, tucked away, with checked table cloths, pasta alle vongole and some hearty red wine. It’s a chance for both of us to reflect, to talk and – spend some time together. And the world is full of very good Italian restaurants.

Sometimes, however, it’s difficult for all of us to let go. We’re trapped into the pace of everyday life with no emergency exit. And if we want to take action to have a higher quality of life – perhaps we have to learn how to do it. As simple as that.

Guess what? Now I’m going to Florence to a street shop to buy a T-shirt saying “Life is too short NOT to be Italian!” And if I find one, I’ll send it over to you.

Enjoy this day!