“In all those very different contexts, one characteristic emerged as a significant predictor of success. And it wasn’t social intelligence. It wasn’t good looks, physical health, and it wasn’t IQ.

“It was grit.

“Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day-in, day-out. Not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years. And working really hard to make that future a reality.

“Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

Image via Wikipedia

“Just get rid of the crappy stuff and focus on the good stuff … People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying ‘no’ to 1,000 things.”

Steve Jobs

From Ask The Awakened by Wei Wu Wei

“I learned that when I made small, sustainable changes – things I could keep doing – they were more likely to stick. There’s nothing wrong with big, crazy challenges. In fact, they’re a ton of fun. But they’re less likely to stick.”

Still, there are situations that are beyond our ability to change. No matter how hard we try, we’ll never make them different than what they are. The loss of a loved one, for example, or the ending of a relationship that’s run its course.

These are the times when we must surrender to what is. These are the times when the greatest act of compassion is to give yourself time to mourn. Care for yourself and know the sun will rise tomorrow, life will go on, and time will heal your pain.

Finally, there are situations that fall somewhere in the middle. It’s clear that you have the ability to create change, and you put forth the effort to bring it about. Yet, as hard as you try, nothing seems to be happening. Perhaps you try harder. Maybe you take a different approach. Still, you seem to be stuck.

I find these times the most challenging. Your heart is telling you to persevere while the Universe seems to be telling you to surrender.

Over the last few years, I’ve come to understand times like these call for wisdom, trust and patience. Wisdom to understand the Universe has its own timetable. Trust that things are happening for your greater good; things you can neither see nor understand. And patience to allow everything to unfold just as it should.

In other words, if you’ve done all you can do, and nothing seems to be changing, maybe it’s time to let it go for a bit. Loosen your grip. Go to the beach. Take a walk in the woods. Laugh with friends and family. Breeeeeath. Enjoy life, and allow things to happen in their own time. It’s much more enjoyable than the alternative.

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

“… the most important possible thing you can do is do a lot of work. Do a huge volume of work … Because it’s only by going through a volume of work that you are actually going to catch up and close that gap. And the work you’re making will be as good as your ambitions.”

Daniel Pink, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us

“You’re right,” I thought. “I’m really frustrated, and I just want to quit.”

This is part of a discouraging conversation I had with myself while standing 3 feet up on a ladder this past weekend. I was trying to scrape chipped and peeling paint off the ceiling in our three-season room. This is a room that’s attached to the sweet, little country home that my partner Ellen and I rented a few months ago.

We call it the sunroom, because it’s big and bright with windows all the way around. It has a fireplace and woodstove that – according to the landlord – keeps it toasty and warm even when the weather turns cold outside. It’s a great space that we plan to use as a combination workout room and sanctuary to relax and entertain guests.

Before any of that can happen though, the room needs some work. The walls and windows need to be cleaned. The concrete floor is gray and dingy, and we plan to strip it down and repaint it a rich, dark-brown color. Likewise, the tiled ceiling is old and dirty with peeling paint that has to be scraped off before we repaint it a creamy, off-white color.

It’s a big project that would likely cost a couple thousand dollars if we hired someone else to do it. Since that’s not in our budget, we decided to do the work ourselves. So, this past weekend, we put on some great music, and went to work on the sunroom. Ellen started cleaning the walls and windows while I tackled the peeling paint on the ceiling.

Things went smoothly at first. Much of the paint came off easily with a stiff brush. Then things got a little harder. I had to get up on a ladder and use a paint scraper to remove the paint that the brush didn’t get. It was slow and tedious work that eventually led to the discouraging inner dialogue with which I opened this article.

“This isn’t working. You’re not doing it right. If you paint over it now, it’s just gonna peel again in a year or two, and you’ll have to repaint it. You’re wasting your time. The sunroom will never turn out the way you want it.”

Fortunately, I persisted through this toxic self-talk and did the best I could with the ceiling. Still, as I reflect on how I talked to myself up on that ladder, I realize it wasn’t very kind.

I wonder, if someone I love was up on that ladder, would I have spoken that way to them? If it was Ellen or my daughter Haley working feverishly to accomplish her goal, would I have been so negative, judgmental and defeatist when things got tough for them?

Of course not.

Instead, I would have noticed their struggle and done all I could to help them move through it. I would have been kind and compassionate. I would have told them they’re doing fine and encouraged them to just keep moving forward.

I would have treated them that way because I love them.

“We all have the tendency to believe self-doubt and self-criticism, but listening to this voice never gets us closer to our goals. Instead, try on the point of view of a mentor or good fiend who believes in you, wants the best for your, and will encourage you when you feel discouraged.”

Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct

“Self-compassion,” writes Dr. Kristen Neff, “involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself.”

According to Dr. Neff and others who study self-compassion, while it’s fairly easy for most of us to feel compassion toward others, it can be difficult to apply the same to ourselves. Which is a shame, because research shows that self-compassion offers several benefits, including:

• Higher Motivation
• Less Anxiety and Depression
• Greater Happiness in Life

As you go about your week, I invite you to look for times when you might practice some self-compassion. More specifically:

1. Be Mindful – Notice, without judgment, when you are being self-critical, beating yourself up for making mistakes, or assaulting yourself with discouraging self-talk.

2. Remember Your Common Humanity – You are not alone. We all struggle, fail or feel inadequate from time to time. It’s part of the human experience.

3. Practice Self-Kindness – Rather than self-criticism, treat yourself with warmth and understanding when you struggle, fail or feel inadequate. Recognize that being imperfect and experiencing difficulties is inevitable, so be gentle with yourself rather than getting angry, frustrated or discouraged.

As you and I both learn to be more compassionate toward ourselves, I have no doubt that our lives will improve dramatically. I know I’ll have more fun working on the sunroom this coming weekend.

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”

Christopher Germer, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

Maya Angelou