Now, today, on Tuesday after Blogher ended and I am still sitting in Chicago in an airport.  Everyone I know is agitated and upset.  My husband, my mother and fellow bloggers alike are asking me how and why I am still laughing.  It is a free flight.  How can you get upset when something is being given to you?

I miss the heck out of my kids.  And, they finally talked to me today for the first time in days but to be perfectly honest, the other stuff really doesn’t bother me.  I am tempted to say that I will not be going on any other trips this year but I can’t say that I will not go because logically there are reasons that I would travel again without even thinking twice. 

But, this trip, this free flight, I refuse to get upset and be a pain in the butt over it.  I mean, it’s not like there is anyone to blame, right?  I could have bought a ticket much earlier today and been home by now, but I’m stubborn and I honestly do not like to spend money that I hadn’t planned on spending.  I won’t say it would be spending un-necessarily, but just not necessarily something I planned to do. 

I thrive on organization and plans and thus the not knowing is killing but at the same time, I also knew all day long that I would still be here at this time, there were too many people on standby ahead of me.  So, I make good use of my patience, I learn to have more patience and I take every chance I get to work and….people watch…ok, I’ve done more people watching than anything but that’s ok……right?

So, fast forward to the conference ending and now I am sitting in the airport, almost a week later and I’ve been on stand by since yesterday morning at 5:40  I mean, come on, if you are god enough to get to the airport at 5:40, surely there won’t be so many people that you have to wait til the next flight right?

WRONG!  I couldn’t be more wrong.  A day later and an entire afternoon spent sitting and it doesn’t appear that I’ll get on this 4:15 flight either.  So, when does one lose her patience?  I mean, it was free.  When does one lose her sanity?  I mean, I knew it could happen.  When, just when does one go bizerk sitting in a wheel chair in an airport at the mercy of whoever feels compelled to push me around.  And, when does one just lost her sense of being because her bladder is tempting fate.  Yea, get on a plane when you already have to piss like a racehorse and then what? 

Wait some more…hold it some more.  Then what?

I’ve discussed that I know I don’t cry sometimes when I should but when I thought my wallet was lost?  I cried.  I didn’t at first.  At first I just sat numb, trying to figure out how in the heck I was going to handle financial matters but better yet, how was I going to get on a plane with no identification.  The security guard helped with the latter but fortunately for me, I found the wallet. 

But not before I cried in front of a security officer, a company representative and a good friend.  I begged my husband to forgive my ignorance and promised to never leave home without him again.  When it was all said and done, I cried myself to sleep.  I was spent, emotionally I was drained.  I had partied, I had listened, I had talked (ok, I mostly talked) and I had used every emotion that I owned.  Fortunately, the biggest emotion that I took ownership of was laughing but sometimes, I good cry is beneficial for everyone, right?

On Wednesday night I had a great time in the lobby, chilling with a few other people.  Literally I mean a few other people.  And then…it began…..

On Thursday I attended an event with 49 other women, and then Thursday night it was one massive party after another.  One breakfast, one lunch, one session, one huge expo hall, all of them cram packed with people.  And I like people, right?

Of course I do.  But apparently I like my people in groups of 5 to 10 as opposed to 500 or 1000.  I had a lot more fun hanging with the few than hanging with the many.  Moreover, it was quite obvious to everyone that this was the case as people I knew would pass by me and say, “wow you look tired” and yes, indeed, I was tired but I was also over-whelmed.  I was feeling the effects of an emotional rollercoaster.  The desire to belong in every room, at every party with every group and the counter attack of wanting to hang out in a room or in the lobby with just a few people and enjoy it. 

I did spend some time in the lobby just hanging out alone.  GASP!  Me?  Hang out alone?  I hate to be alone.  Actually I wasn’t alone, there were a couple of thousand other people there and watching them made me much happier than joining them in many cases.

All I can say is who would have thunk it?

On day one, I was so excited, I stayed up til near 4:30 AM and then had to be at breakfast for a meeting at 7:30.  That set the scene for exhaustion.  Throw in the fact that I cannot walk quite as well as everyone else as my leg is still healing but I was able to wear shoes.  But, I  didn’t actually walk, I more or less loped around. 

I didn’t drink any alcoholic beverages of any kind and about 4 PM, people would start looking at me and asking if I was ok.  The exhaustion showed in my face.  I spent chunks of time in the lobby, just people watching which is something I thoroughly enjoyed.  But, I also sat and envied those who had the energy and where with all to just go go go go, sleep a few hours and go go go go more. 

Naturally, these are the women who had the most fun I’m sure.  They saw more bloggers, met more bloggers, spent loads of time with more bloggers while I sat exhausted watching much of it pass me by.  I haven’t addressed this issue with my doctors since I was diagnosed with thyroid problems and diabetes other than to say that yes, I do take the medication you prescribed.

But, you can rest assured, when I return home, I will set up an appointment for the check-up I missed a couple of weeks prior to this trip to see if there’s more to this story than meets the eye.  The saddest part of it all is the feeling that I missed something.  I feel as if I didn’t get to experience the conference like others did and because of that, I find I’m somewhat depressed.

But, I will make it.  I doubt very seriously if I try another big conference for a while.  I will be content to stay home with my kids and husband, who I have missed terribly and follow the twitter feed.  The difference will be that in the past when I did this, I was green with envy, from now on, I’ll just enjoy it all vicariously through the attendee’ because in reality, my health just won’t allow me to have the fun that I want to have if I am at the conference in person. 

With that, I’ll get you more information soon.  Sorry for the disappearing act.

****

Although I could ramble about my mental and emotional ups and downs all day, I decided to interview an expert on an issue I struggled with throughout most of my teens and 20s (and am now mostly free of, as a mom in my 30s). Lori Hanson, an accomplished writer promoting eating disorder awareness and recovery, was kind enough to answer several of my burning questions about this journey.

Deb: How would you describe what it feels like to have an eating disorder to someone who’s never suffered from one?

Lori: It’s total entrapment, surrounded with the worst form of obsession, shame, embarrassment and hoping no one else will notice. It’s thinking about how much you hate your body from the moment you wake up until you go to bed at night. As a bulimic, it is concern about what you ate, when you ate, how much you ate and how you screwed up. Every morning you wake with new found hope that this day you won’t fall prey to the behavior and every night you go to bed consumed with anger, fear, guilt, shame and hatred for yourself. Life is all about “when I weigh 108 pounds, then I’ll be happy and my life will start.”

Deb: Did you have any major "aha" moments in your own ED recovery?

Lori: My biggest “aha” moment in my recovery was realizing that in order to recover I had to reconnect my mind and body. I lived for over 30 years in my head because when I looked in the mirror I could not own the body looking back at me. When I learned how to get my energy flowing from head to toe through some alternative bodywork, I reconnected my mind and body and it felt incredible. The next day on the treadmill, I was aware of my legs, calves, and felt the movement of my hips and butt as I ran. I realized in that moment what it must be like to be an athlete and very tuned in to your body. It was the start of learning how to be in the moment and feeling the place I was in while I worked out.

Deb: Have you noticed any common denominators among those who successfully recover from EDs?

Lori: Attitude has a lot to do with it. Getting to a conviction of knowing and believing that you can recover, that you deserve live a good life. But beyond that, in my practice, it’s addressing several things that I call the Hot Pastry Principles™: improving self-esteem, understanding what contributed to your eating disorder, diet and nutrition (learning how to eat balanced meals), reprogramming your mind to support you vs. beat you up and improving your mental and physical health with body work.

Deb: What’s the first thing you tell yourself when you feel the tug of your ED (if you still do)?

Lori: I quit binging on food back in ’96 and then spent 10 years using alcohol in the same pattern, which I didn’t realize until I started to write my book. This is common with addiction and addictive behaviors until you get to the core of the issue and resolve it. When life gets really stressful at times I feel the call of the wine, which is still the call for the sugar and simple carbs I used to binge on. Two things are important: #1 – keeping your body chemistry in balance, and second it’s critical to learn to live “in the moment.” If I’m feeling a craving for something I stop and identify what I’m feeling and why. I use deep breathing to pull me out of my head and back into my body aka out of impulsive behaviors. I’ve developed several coping tools that I share in my practice and use in these moments. For more information please visit: Learn2Balance.com

About Lori:

Lori Hanson battled with bulimia and her self-image for 34 years. She recognized her experience and approach to recovery was a gift she had to share with others. Lori shares her story and approach in her award winning book It Started With Pop-Tarts^®…An Alternative Approach to Winning the Battle of Bulimia. Her second book, Teen Secrets to Surviving & THRIVING will be released in 2009.

After a successful 28 year career as a software consultant and professional services salesperson she left to pursue her passion of self-improvement. She is founder and CEO of both Shewolf Press and Learn2Balance a company focused on improving the lives of others.

A media favorite, Lori has appeared on national radio and TV shows to bring awareness to the epidemic of eating disorders. Her goal is to help individuals find empowerment much younger in life than she did.

My phone rings.  It’s one of the boys and he wants to know if was at the airport yet.  I told him no that I was sitting in the front yard.  I looked back and both were waving their little hands off.

This morning when my mom arrived this morning, Walker told her that today (Monday) was the day I was leaving.  She asked him if he was going to miss me and he hesitated and then said “…..eh…no not really”.  Boost that self-confidence right on up there.

I really am terrified this trip for some reason.  For one think I am going to be gone for a full week.  Secondly, so many disasters these days that I am having anxiety over leaving my kids.  I know how hard it was for me to lose my father at 19, I can’t imagine how what my kids would go through if something happened to me and I know it is silly but it’s the truth. 

I am so very nervous this time…I have to get over this and quickly.

First of all, my flight leaves at 8 or so which means I have to leave the hotel at the butt crack of dawn and then all the airport stuff which with the brace on my foot takes a little long than it does in normal situations.  And, if you know anything about Atlanta’s airport, you know that just moving around there in and of itself is a big deal.

Then, the bribing of flight attendants and pilots so I can get on that early flight since I am flying stpandby.  The cramped up space of plains is really hard on big people like me so that’s more anxiety.

Then the transportation to hotel from the airport.  From there the weekend just gets crazy and I am terrified of feeling left out and without anyone to hang out with.  I know that’s sad and I have roommate who I know will not let me be alone but I am still a bit anxious.  Add in that Tanis said I could be her tag-a-long if I wanted and hopefully it works out without me having a nervous breakdown.

Here’s the photo and as unflattering as the photo is, it isn’t as bad as it seems.  My husband as a knack for capturing the exact angle that is…..all wrong.

It appears that I have no waist and in reality, I kind of don’t.  And, because I have broad shoulders even when I wear 140 pounds, well that doesn’t help.  But looking at this photo sends me into a deep dark ugly funk.  Apparently not in a funk that’s strong enough to get me to moving more often but definitely in a funk.

I have been unable to do much of anything due to the broken bone and even now, I am in a great deal of pain and just don’t know that the thing is healing like it should. 

That along with my weight and the state of just general attitudes in my house has me sinking into a funk….one big ugly funk. 

Any advice?  Besides the obvious which is to get active.  I will be hitting the EASports 30 day Challenge as soon as the foot is well.  As for now, I”m in this brace for 4 more weeks and honestly, I don’t know but I’m thinking the big clumpy boot felt better.

Sad when you like the ugly boot.

And, to be perfectly honest with you, neither do I.  I looked around today in the kitchen because hello, I can walk now and I rarely see anything that belongs to me.  I mean, other than my Mickey Mouse collectibles, near everything belongs to the boys.  I’m not counting things like laundry detergent or dishwashing detergent, but I am counting the mounds of dirty dishes and the piles of vacation Bible school papers, toys, both broken and just stored. 

I would make a photo for you, but I’m thinking that DHR might be trying to find my house if the word got out.  And, so, I have goals…remember yesterday…I have goals…

One of them is to get all my ducks in a row between now and Blogher and then the time I have between returning from conference on July 27th and getting my son in school on August 7th, we are going to clean, purge, toss out, give away and things are going to have a place. 

It’s so bad, I still have an decoration from Christmas left on my mantle, yea I know…never mind.

Honestly, is there such a thing as anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants working too well?