Popular Comments Across MetaFilter

By phunniemee in "Update on the anger management issues question" on Ask MeFi

phunniemee — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 17:10:50 GMT

I'm really not sure how I'd manage to call it off this close to the wedding date.

I know personally so many divorced women who had this thought prior to their marriage, and I indirectly know many, many more. They went through with a marriage they already felt iffy about because the inertia wrapped up in the wedding event felt too big. And then they were stuck. If you are having this thought, the marriage is already over.

Because this is SO COMMON, several years ago I decided this was a service I was going to offer any woman in my life upon the announcement of her engagement: I will call it off for you if this thought crosses your mind. I will call your grandma and let her down, I will call the caterer, I will call the hotel where you've got rooms blocked. I am certain there are friends in your life who would also help you with this.

You are NOT alone and you do NOT have to affect the entire course of the rest of your life because of some party plans.

By ftrtts in "Big Mean Trans Thread" on MetaTalk

ftrtts — Sun, 29 Mar 2026 08:38:24 GMT

Transphobia is routine on this website. We get textbook, overt TERFs a couple times a year. We discuss a transphobic incident on MetaTalk once every month or two. To a large extent, I think this is a reflection of the world. We are a sufficiently large, public, US-centric community that talks a lot of politics in 2026. But I also think we could respond more effectively:

1. We need transphobia-aware moderation. Historically, moderation of transphobia has been "delete the transphobic comment for being against the guidelines" and then "scold mefites for responding to it." This needs to change. Mods need to justify deletions of transphobic comments with specific reasons that demonstrate an understanding of transphobia. For example: "Scaremongering about men pretending to be women is a classic transmisogynist trope. We don't do that here. Comment deleted for transphobia. If you do this again, you will be banned." Mods should not scold trans people for responding to transphobia.

2. We need mod coverage. Are mods officially not working weekends? I hope the switch to volunteers will address this, but if not then this should be made very clear. Moderation can only be effective if it happens within some reasonable timeframe.

In the following two points, I am primarily addressing cis mefites, but my thinking is born out of reflecting about my own participation on this site as a trans person:

3. We need to collectively round down when evaluating low-effort bigotry. In that thread, someone addressed the transphobic commenter with "On the off chance that you are willing to listen." This is an example of rounding up. When dealing with low-effort bigotry, rounding up is counterproductive. If they are posting in bad faith, you are giving them more credit than they deserve. If they are posting low-effort bigotry because they are triggered, you are inviting them to post a followup, which will probably also be filled with bigotry. Finally, by playing the role of the patient, willing-to-explain mefite, you're setting up another (likely trans) mefite to look angry and irrational by comparison. This is where we fail over and over as a community that historically has loved the idea of being 'polite' towards bigots.

4. Refuting an argument point-by-point is not the only way to challenge bigotry. It's sometimes not the best way. When someone is posting drive-by bigotry, a direct point-by-point refutation is expensive to both write and read, perhaps especially so if you're trans. It can work, but you're starting at a disadvantage. Other ways to respond:

• Sometimes, anger is appropriate. As a trans person, seeing a timely "what the fuck" after a bigoted comment makes me feel much better than seeing a five paragraph essay.

• Sometimes, it's better to just move the conversation forward. I like this approach. Figure out what triggered the bigot and continue that conversation. Here I always think of Toni Morrison saying that the purpose of racism is distraction.

• Long term, I hope we can lean on flagging. Flagging only works if we have effective moderation (See #1 and #2) but I think it is the best approach when it works.

• Finally, if you must engage with the argument directly, I suggest framing it as "to anyone reading this who's confused, let me explain why this comment sucks" instead of "let me try and convince you that you are wrong."

These approaches all understand one thing: your audience is not the bigot - it's everyone else who is reading!

And with that, I am logging off for the rest of the weekend.

By hepta in "Scenes from a marriage" on Ask MeFi

hepta — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 17:48:56 GMT

Sorry, maybe a total derail but you can't touch the thermostat while somebody's driving is a completely incorrect take. That person immediately seems either to have totally different norms or else is very invested in coming up with a justification for their shitty behaviour.

By Sweetchrysanthemum in "Update on the anger management issues question" on Ask MeFi

Sweetchrysanthemum — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 17:10:39 GMT

I wish I could sit down and have a three hour long coffee with you and talk this out. Nothing you've written here changes any of what I said last time.

You said above it doesn't feel "fair" to cancel the wedding. My tough love response to this is "who cares?!"

You should only get married if you are truly deep in your bones excited to build a life with the other person even if they're not on their best behaviour (which your partner clearly is right now and even on best behaviour doesn't sound...kind to you).

It doesn't matter if it's fair; you are allowed to be wildly unfair if it means not legally enmeshing yourself with someone who doesn't make you feel 100% safe and joyful who meaningfully improves the quality of your life.

By phunniemee in "Scenes from a marriage" on Ask MeFi

phunniemee — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 17:31:56 GMT

I think your husband and rude and controlling. I don't have productive advice for what you should do about it, but I do want to validate it.

By jacquilynne in "Update on the anger management issues question" on Ask MeFi

jacquilynne — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 17:17:23 GMT

What is the cycle of abuse?

He has not changed and he will not change and this was never a communication issue.

Your abuser knows you are serious about leaving him because you did, but also that he only has to hold out on not abusing you for 1 more month before you are legally bound to him in ways that will make it more difficult for you to escape and 2 more months before you are publicly bound to him in ways that will make it more embarrassing for you to escape.

The therapist also mentioned that people do much worse things to each other and stay together anyway

Your therapist perpetuated exactly the problem that is the reason why you shouldn't go to therapy with abusers. I mean, yes, it is probably true that people do much worse things to each other and stay together anyway. But here are a few problems with using that information as a reason why you should stay:
1. It assumes that you two are 'doing things to each other' and not that he is abusing you. That is continuing to assign blame to you for triggering him.
2. It assumes that together is, by default, a better state than not together, that it is okay and maybe even necessary to endure a bit of abuse in order to keep the relationship together because the alternative -- not being in a relationship with this specific person or not being in a relationship at all -- is somehow worse.
3. Your standard for the way you are willing to be treated doesn't need to depend on the way other people allow themselves to be treated. He makes you scared and unhappy. Just because other people have it worse doesn't make you less scared and unhappy.

By octaviabutlerfan in "Scenes from a marriage" on Ask MeFi

octaviabutlerfan — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 18:07:16 GMT

In what way are those examples "trivial and dumb"? On the contrary, I found them absolutely chilling on many different, serious levels.

Just for some perspective, I'm a therapist, and if someone came to me solely with these examples, I personally would refuse to do couples counseling with them because it is unethical to engage in couples counseling when one of the partners is abusive.

I would only be willing to meet for individual therapy with A.

By mephron in "Big Mean Trans Thread" on MetaTalk

mephron — Sat, 28 Mar 2026 20:21:35 GMT

Hi!

This is the first one of these that actually got transphobes in it, so I must be doing something right. Honestly, the expressions of support for me have been a huge personal help for me, and I am touched and a little sniffly seeing it.

(One of the things coming out as trans has done to me is that I'm more likely to cry at stuff. I nearly cried at the PA Motor Vehicles office on Thursday when I finally got my Real ID with my Real Name, not my deadname, on it, and thanked that person so much.)

What I said in my (second) reply to Grokus is true: making those posts hurts sometimes. But it's important to document it, to show it to people who might not see it in their regular lives. And yes, there's a lot of bad news, but that's why I also look for the good news - it helps me bandage things up.

Also, if anyone wants to give me any kind of sponsorship, I can provide my paypal.me, venmo, and ko.fi links!

(Kidding!!)

By onomatomania in "Claude Code is written with Claude Code" on MeFi

onomatomania — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 11:14:26 GMT

they have 50+ functions with _DEPRECATED in the name that are still actively called in production

Son, I got bad news to tell you about every large code base, ever.

By Stacey in "Update on the anger management issues question" on Ask MeFi

Stacey — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 17:15:33 GMT

I believe meaningful change about uncontrolled anger *can* happen . I do not believe it can happen in three months. I do not believe someone who accounts for his behavior with "I was trying to upset you" rather than taking responsibility, or who didn't believe you when you said you were scared, is anywhere near making meaningful progress.

I believe anyone in your life who loves you would rather eat the cost of some travel reservations than to have you move ahead with marrying and having children with someone who has not yet made meaningful change and then *sustained* it, on the order of years rather than weeks. No one who loves you would want this for you.

Please cancel the wedding. If you really feel you must keep trying to work this out, do it without a wedding ring. Preserve your ability to leave without legal ties.

But if you do nothing else, hold off on getting pregnant. You can make choices for yourself that are really not okay to make for children, and a life with this guy as he is now is one of those choices. Don't subject your hypothetical children to this.

By Winnie the Proust in "Update on the anger management issues question" on Ask MeFi

Winnie the Proust — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 17:32:28 GMT

It is not a good idea to get married because your fiance wants to get married.

It is not a good idea to get married because calling off the wedding would inconvenience some friends and relatives.

It is not a good idea to get married because your mother will be mad at you.

It is not a good idea to get married because that's what will be best for other people.

You should only get married because that's what you want and that's what will be best for you for the rest of your life.

p.s. The therapist sounds terrible.

By Blue Jello Elf in "Scenes from a marriage" on Ask MeFi

Blue Jello Elf — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 19:20:58 GMT

The fact that everyone has to go to bed when Spouse B wants to go to bed, and that Spouse B is micromanaging another adult's pajamas is a *real* eyebrow-raiser. Some of the specifics from the other examples are worse, for sure. But that one's such a huge red flag about how entitled they feel to control everyone else in the family.

By EarnestDeer in "Scenes from a marriage" on Ask MeFi

EarnestDeer — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 17:56:52 GMT

"The standard pattern for this quarrel would be for A to object that B was being unkind and bossy, seems to mostly express annoyance instead of warmth, and doesn't show sensitivity to A's feelings when she communicates them. B will argue that his annoyance was justified because A spoke up in the wrong manner or at the wrong time, that A is just imagining any negative affect perceived in subsequent interactions, and that A is the aggressor for avoiding B after this."

DARVO = deny, attack, reverse victim and offender

By Faff in "'I thought, what the hell have I done?'" on MeFi

Faff — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 06:04:10 GMT

"Realistically, Swizzo's just not my cup of tea"

and the prize for Most Australian Shortening of a Country's Name goes to....

By panhopticon in "The $5 paywall was accidentally the greatest AI-repellent ever invented." on MeFi

panhopticon — Sat, 28 Mar 2026 01:42:20 GMT

I'm a little perturbed by this post. The title and the rest of this FPP appeared to be a web/text project that commented upon or imitated a LLM/chatbot/text generator, but made or written by Sam Williams. And I have to go to the comments to find that this is just a frontend for an instance/usage of the Claude LLM by Anthropic, with a specific script. Personally, I would not then say that Sam Williams made or wrote anything more than the .md script upon the Claude service, and then did some user interface design.

Also- as a user or reader I am not interested in reading the output from Claude no matter how carefully scripted. In fact the very usage of it is resource intensive in a way I like to avoid, and so I like to avoid using any of it at all! Further, nowhere in this Death by Clawd site can I find any direct mention of these results being generated via Claude-prompting. The level of irony here is actually wild. This thing even spits out a faux .md file after the user's input, and doesn't even own up to his own usage or reliance upon the LLM, on the webpage! Where is the sentence that says, This project uses version Xyz.123 of Claude with a script by Sam Williams. Would this website be as impressive (and garner as many users or readers) if I clicked the main link on the FPP and it was just, the .md file that Sam Williams wrote. I mean I guess there is artistry in the pretty interface.

We used to have this custom here of annotating an FPP link, with a little format, such as (SLYT) for a post which is mostly a single link to YouTube, (pdf) for a link that is directly to the document file. At this point I would appreciate an annotation of (LLM frontend) or whatever it may be. I did not appreciate realizing the nature of this project only after I'd clicked it!

By jb in "Craig Newmark: "Billionaires, Stop Whining and Give Your Money Away"" on MeFi

jb — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 16:14:48 GMT

I know almost nothing about Craig of Craigslist - including his last name (until this link). But, based on this brief article, I think he has his head screwed on just right. He knows that he doesn't "deserve" to be rich, it's an accident of having the right skills at the right time and in literally the right place in San Francisco. (I mean, he could have done the same in Cornerbrook, Newfoundland, and he would have ended up with a useful local website that probably wouldn't have had so many users and thus spread around the world.)

That said, this article that was linked as being related is even more interesting: The Impossible Math of Philanthropy. tl;dr: "More often than not, charities work to mitigate harms caused by business. Every year, corporations externalize trillions in costs to society and the planet. Nonprofits form to absorb those costs but have at their disposal only a tiny portion of the profits that corporations were able to generate by externalizing those costs in the first place. This is what makes charity such a good deal for businesses and their owners: They can earn moral credit for donating a penny to a problem they made a dollar creating."

Anand Giridharadas also has a very entertaining (and cynic-creating) book focused on the "elite charade of changing the world".

This is not a criticism of Craig at all, or most of the people giving their money away. He is, in the scheme of the rich and powerful, just one not-that-big person and is no more responsible for the system than I am for the plastic in my (fake) recycling.

But it's good to remember that charity is a stopgap, a not-very-sticky bandaid for systemic issues like poverty. I'm still donating to my local foodbank, but I really wish I didn't have to, and instead could give that money to pigeon groups or family history societies or whatever I liked because I knew that no one was hungry.

----

and because this topic is so huge - you can look at the giving from the point of view to where it goes, or you can just think about the impact of the giving on the giver. It probably would be better for the megarich themselves to have most of their money given/taken away; being that separated from the rest of society and having that much power in their hands isn't good for them, either.

By secret about box in "Big Mean Trans Thread" on MetaTalk

secret about box — Sat, 28 Mar 2026 21:04:35 GMT

i will restate what i said in the thread:

metafilter must be zero-tolerance when it comes to transphobia. no warnings, no second chances, swift and immediate bans once identified. these people should feel unwelcome here; mefi should be a hostile place for transphobes.

the site has had a transphobia problem for a long time and this approach has not been tried. try it.

By warriorqueen in "Update on the anger management issues question" on Ask MeFi

warriorqueen — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 17:20:52 GMT

I will say more later but...I think you should think about the wedding and the marriage separately.

The wedding is literally a day. Would you sign up for a 30-year career in something that impacts you negatively every day because you booked a graduation party? No, you would not. This is not any different. So please put that in your thinking.

By Mitheral in "The $5 paywall was accidentally the greatest AI-repellent ever invented." on MeFi

Mitheral — Fri, 27 Mar 2026 22:21:25 GMT

It was always the people who thought paying $5 to argue about semicolons was a reasonable life choice

Wasn't expecting to be attacked like that but otherwise sounds about right.

By BlueHorse in "True North Strong And Free My Aunt Banana" on MeFi

BlueHorse — Sat, 28 Mar 2026 00:12:10 GMT

I hope that the courts can reverse this in some way.

Get billionaires to pay their fucking taxes.