Manic Mother

Email Subscribers

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:02:00 PST

If you are subscribed to my blog via email updates, you will no longer be receiving them unless you go back to my blog and re-subscribe through the feedburner box (in right hand sidebar). The hosting service I was using is no longer free, so I had to switch. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Photo Textures

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:41:00 PST

I have been teaching myself how to use textures in Photoshop lately, you can find a lot of free textures to use on Flickr. Just search for textures. I think I found these through links on Coffee Shop (which if you use Photoshop, you really need to check out!). I love her actions.

Can you please take the poll in my sidebar, as to what type of program you use to edit photos. I am thinking I am going to start doing a few DSLR camera, and photo editing tutorials.

Love this texture, I find I keep coming back to it because it makes everything look like a vintage postcard.

Same texture, this is a picture of a wedding I got to photograph the other weekend, isn’t that church amazing?

The texture is very subtle on this one, if you click on the image it should enlarge it, but I put a faint crackle on the train car. I wanted to take our family xmas portrait on the train car, but just as soon as the boys got on it, they wanted off, *sigh*.

My amazing husband took this one of me (can you believe it a pic. of me!) A beautiful texture I found that someone took of an old painting.

I am not sure that this really has much texture to it, but I still really liked it. It adds a lot to the picture.

I almost love photo editing as much as I do taking the actual pictures!

So Far, So Good

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:18:00 PST

The week has gone really great so far. Monday Ezra was at clinic from 8-3, he was such a trooper. He was hooked up to an IV pole that whole time. He has far more patience than any little person should ever have to have.

Tuesday he went in for a spinal tap with chemo. His spinal fluid came back clean (free of cancer cells). Before Ezra was taken back for the procedure he was watching Thomas (the new obsession). Usually after a spinal tap he sleeps 20 minutes or so. Not this time, apparently he sat straight up and said “choo-choo”. I thought that was too cute.

Wednesday and Thursday we went in to the clinic to get more chemo, but they were short little appointments, just quick pushes of chemo into his port. He has also been receiving oral chemo at home every night.

We are done for the week with clinic appointments, we go back M, T, Th, and F next week.

He looks sick more so now. No hair really at all, and so pale. I get “the look” now from adults. If you have a child that looks at all different, I don’t need to explain “the look”. I used to just avoid eye contact so I didn’t have to see the look, now I glare back.

Really need that shirt that says “Don’t stare, say a prayer.”

Ezra has been his boisterous, lovable little self. No side effects so far. We are so close to long term maintenance!

My Apologies in Advance……

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:52:00 PST

This picture really has little to do with this post, except I just had to show you how cute my little Transformer is.

Anyway, I just wanted to apologize in advance for my absence over the next month.

Ezra’s next month is so full of appointments it is insane. We will be at the clinic every day for the next 2 weeks. We start tomorrow off with a bang, and will be at the clinic at 8am and through the majority of the day.

Also, my photography endeavor has actually taken off and I have a handful of jobs already scheduled in November for family portraits.

So any free computer time will likely be spent editing photos, not blogging or reading blogs. But I will still try to visit you all when I can, and blog a post here and there. I just didn’t want you all wondering what the heck happened to me!

Please keep this little man in your thoughts and prayers over the next month, its going to be a really physically taxing time on him.

Hope to see you all sooner vs later!

Not So Fun Fact Friday

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:25:00 PDT

I was in awe of the response to my post about my suicide attempt. Your comments and stories were nothing short of moving and heartfelt. More than one your stories or comments brought tears to my eyes.

I was amazed at how many of you had been directly affected by suicide. It seems such a taboo topic, you don’t realize how may people it actually affects. I apologize I haven’t written the next part of the memoir yet, life has been getting in the way. Hang tight its coming though.

I thought I would lay out some actual facts on suicide for you.

In 2006:

- Suicide was the eleventh leading cause of death for all ages.

- More than 33,000 suicides occurred in the U.S. This is the equivalent of 91 suicides per day; one suicide every 16 minutes or 10.95 suicides per 100,000 population.

- Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 79.0% of all U.S. suicides.

- During their lifetime, women attempt suicide about two to three times as often as men.

- Suicide is the seventh leading cause of death for males and the sixteenth leading cause for females.

- Suicide rates for males are highest among those aged 75 and older.

- Suicide rates for females are highest among those aged 45-54.

- Firearms are the most commonly used method of suicide among males (56.0%).

- Poisoning is the most common method of suicide for females (40.3%).

- Among young adults ages 15 to 24 years old, there are approximately 100-200 attempts for every completed suicide.

- In 2007, 14.5% of U.S. high school students reported that they had seriously considered attempting suicide during the 12 months preceding the survey; 6.9% of students reported that they had actually attempted suicide one or more times during the same period.

- Suicide is the second leading cause of death among 25-34 year olds and the third leading cause of death among 15- to 24-year olds.

I could go on, while it is rare for children to commit suicide it does happen. The chances greatly increase after the age of fifteen.

This my friends, is why I am vehemently against firearms. All of them. I think handguns should be completely illegal to purchase, and I think all rifles should be kept under strict lock and key. I am not looking to start a debate here, it is just my opinion.

I can honestly say with 100% assurance that if my parents had owned a gun and it was readily available to me, I would be dead.

I can not urge you enough to lock up your firearms, and put your medications in a safe place. Once my boys get older (like 10) all of my medications will be locked up, due to the type I take and the toxicity of them.

While my parents knew there was something awry with me, they had no idea, nor would they ever have envisioned the magnitude of my depression.

Thank you so very much for all of the support and the stories shared. I was so hesitant to share my stories, but after the countless thank you’s, and I have been there’s, I know I made the right decision and I will continue to share more.

Beach Day

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:27:00 PDT

This last weekend was a busy one, I got to photograph a wedding on Saturday and then on Sunday my husband wanted to get up and drive to the beach to see the sunrise, which we missed despite getting up at 5:30am. It still was a great time, the boys were on their best behavior. They gathered tons of shells, some of which are now in our aquarium.

Look how big Ro is, when did he grow up so fast! I can’t believe he will be five in 2 months. They played in the sand. The weather was a little chilly…only because it was 7am though. However, it did not deter Rowan from going into the water, he is fearless at the ocean. Its scary. It started out innocent enough, feet and legs only. Until a wave took Ro under, and there he was in a soaked sweater. Thankfully my husband was brave enough to get his feet wet. Although we missed the beautiful colors of sunrise, the sun was still just coming up, which made for some great shadow pictures. My husband took this one of me….love it. Love pictures of Cons, I told my husband we are going to start traveling the world and take pictures of my Cons everywhere…...someday. Proof I was actually at the beach.

It was a memorable time for all of us. Cancer has taught me many things like slowing down and spending quality time with my boys, and making every moment count. We only get one life here.

Happy trails to you. Until we meet again.

He’s Back!!!

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:58:00 PDT

After 2 weeks of a really angry sad little man, we finally have him back.

He went from this a week ago to….

this. My happy sweet little boy. I couldn’t even get him to go outside when he was on the steroids, it causes him a lot of leg pain.

This week we went outside and played with bubbles, and we laughed, and squealed. My eyes welled up on more than one occasion this week. I don’t think I can put into words what its like to have your son stolen from you and made into a completely different person.

And then the feeling you get when you get him back.

Yes, he really is that pale. But the sparkle is back in those blue eyes!

On Monday we start the 2nd half of Delayed Intensification, this part is supposedly the hardest. I have been told blood and platelet transfusions are common.

On Monday we go to the clinic and will be there for the vast majority of the day (pray for our patience and serenity.) Then that Friday he will have another spinal tap with chemo. We will be in the clinic every day for 2 weeks …. yikes. Will update Ezra’s blog as we go through these next 2 weeks. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Bad Hair Photo Contest

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:42:00 PDT

Here I am in all my Aqua Net glory. I don’t even know what year this was taken, 1989 perhaps. I sure had some blonde hair.

I know my mom braided my hair the night before to get the “crimped” look, a small mouse must have made a nest in my bangs while I was sleeping. I really like the one side of my hair clipped up and the other made into a wing. Wow. Thank god the 80’s are over.

To play along in the contest go here to read the rules and prize.

Can’t wait to see yours! Lets face it, bad hair happens to good people.

Bad Hair Photo Contest

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:16:00 PDT

(Image from Google Images)

I love looking at my old pictures, especially the school pictures. I managed some pretty awesome (ly bad) hairdo’s. I thought it would be fun if we shared a picture of ourselves from our youth with a bad hairstyle, I know I personally have 4-5 pictures I have to choose from. It will be hilarious to go through and look at everyone’s pictures. If you don’t have a scanner and can’t do this you can share a recent one of yourself or your child.

So here is how you can play along and what you can win.

To play: Break out your old photos, and your printer’s scanner. Scan in an awesomely bad hairdo pic from your past. And come back to my blog tomorrow and leave your link to your post with your picture of your bad hair. I will leave the contest open for a week, so you have plenty of time to find a pic and make a post. So all entries must be received by midnight on Wednesday the 28th.

My husband and I, and another guest judge (let me know if you would like to guest judge) will pick a winner and announce it on my blog. Winner will be announced on the 30th.

What you will win! I know most of you know my financial situation stinks, so I can’t buy a prize, but I can offer my services. You will win a custom blog header and button, designed by me! I just did my new design, and have been learning a lot about blog design lately. I figured it would be a great first prize.

I would love to do more photo contests regularly, so any of you Etsy artists (or any one else) wanting to offer a prize and get your shop featured please email me at manicmotherme@gmail.com.

I look forward to seeing what you all come up with! Please tell all your friends about the contest.

Happy Early Halloween!

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 04:51:00 PDT

Remember when I showed you those pictures from that quaint little town? And I mentioned I found myself in a most peculiar place? Well that place…….

A very old cemetery…in case you can’t read that, it was established in 1826. Like a fly to honey I found myself traipsing through this cemetery before I even knew it.

No, cemeteries don’t freak me out. Halloween Horror Nights? Yes, that freaks me out, I almost wet myself several times.

In fact I have always been fascinated by cemeteries.

I was that odd goth teen with think black eyeliner, and Doc Martens, that hung out in them when I should have been in class.

I just thought that maybe if I posted these pictures in October, you may think I am a little less quirky.

I did it for the sake of your Halloween enjoyment. Not at all because I find cemeteries fascinating, and oddly serene.

Because that would just make me come across even more insane than I already do.

Someone had lined these fallen gravestones along the base of a tree. Look at how small they are.

Some of the gravestones said the neatest and well oddest things.

I am not even sure what to make of this one….apparently this woman was just waiting to die.

That’s neat too, I wonder if they came up with there own sayings?

How sad, Agnes was only three. It makes me wonder what she died from, than it makes me thankful for medical advances. Because in 1917 there was no cure for Leukemia.

This picture right here is my absolute favorite. It is my computer’s wallpaper…it makes me smile every time I see it. Go ahead grab it make it yours too, it will make you smile. Well….maybe not, if your freaked out by cemeteries.

That is all it said on the gravestone GRACE period. I realize they meant grace in the biblical sense, but every time I see the picture I think of grace like this “elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.” Mostly grace of manner and action, because I need a whole lot of that in my life right now. So every time I see this it reminds me. Grace.

So early Happy Halloween from me to you!

New Blog Design

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:41:00 PDT

I have been dabbling in blog design lately, I have designed 3 for friends. I figured it was time I redid mine!

Its not perfect..but close! I realize its not November yet, and that it has a Thanksgiving theme. But, I wanted to do one for Halloween and didn’t get around to it, so I put this one up early!

I may try to do more blog design on the side once I completely hone in my skills, and if there is any interest. If that is something you think you may be interested in shoot me an email.

Adding a meta-tag to your Blogger blog

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 05:03:00 PDT

I know many of you are probably saying meta-what right now. Let me explain.

Go to Google and search for your blog by its name, once you find it, look underneath the title of your blog….what does it say? If you haven’t added a custom meta-tag chances are it says something about your last post. Since I figured out how to add a meta-tag, with the help of this amazing friend, mine now looks like this.

So it now has the full title and a little description to it. Are you wondering why you would do this? Well lets say someone randomly stumbles upon your blog, through an unrelated search. Chances are they are more likely to click on your blog if they know a little bit more about it. Basically it helps for SEO (search engine optimization) which is a whole art form in itself that I don’t claim to know much on.

Anywho, hear is how you do it. Go into your blog’s layout and click edit HTML. Back up your template if you are leery of messing with HTML. You should find yourself at a place that looks just like this.

Look for this line (it will be right at the very top of your HTML..or at least it should be. ) -

<b:include data='blog' name='all-head-content'/>

Directly below it add this:

Fill it in with your blog description, keywords, and your name. See mine highlighted in pink.

I always like to hit preview first before saving to make sure I didn’t completely destroy my blog, assuming all looks good and you are not getting error messages, hit save template.

If you are getting error messages, check your apostrophes, and make sure HTML is exactly the same.

Now the catch is it won’t show up right away when you go to search for your blog. So to make sure you did it right check it with a meta-tag analyzer.

Just insert your blog address and the code and hit submit, it will then tell you if it finds a meta-tag.

Your meta-tag should show up whenever you post something new to your blog, because then Google will have updated it. So after you post something new, go back and search for your blog again, hopefully you will find your new meta-tag!

Guest Blogger from Diaries of a Coach’s Wife

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 06:05:00 PDT

This is one of my dear blogging buddies, Kim, she is crafty and since I have little to no time for crafts right now, I enlisted her help! Here is her post:

It has been a long time since I have done any craft projects with my kids and what better time to do something fun than for Halloween! I found a cute idea on Family Fun.com and thought it would be fun to do with the kids or I should say FOR my kids since they really weren’t interested in helping. That’s okay though because it was great fun for me!

Pumpkin Tee’s

What you will need:

-white t shirt (cotton, prewashed works best)

-rubber bands

-orange Rit fabric dye (I used 2 boxes for 5 kids sized tees)

-large pot (for dye)

-fabric markers or paint in black

What to do:

First -take small (2-3 inch) pieces of fabric and wrap rubber band around each one so that when it is removed you get just a circle

-repeat this as many times as you like all over the tee

Second-mix Orange RIT dye in a large pot as instructed on package and insert tees

Now, just wait wait wait on your tees to color! I waited about 30-45 minutes until my tees appeared to be as bright orange as I could get them.

Then- Make sure you are near a sink!! Carefully take the tees out of the pot and rinse with cold water until the water runs clear. Grab your scissors and pop off those rubber bands.

Now all you have to do is hang them to dry. Once they are dry you can make any kind of jack-o-lantern face on all the little pumpkins that you want. I used fabric paints and a brush but you can use any old way you wish to paint them!

And if you like the finished project but don’t have time or want to fool with making these you have a chance to win one!! I have 2 up for grabs. They are a kids size small (6-8). All you have to do is visit my blog and mention that you saw me here on Manic Mother! You can also earn extra entries so be sure to head over to my blog.

I heart faces - Excited

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 06:10:00 PDT

I know most of you have seen this pic but when I saw this weeks theme, I thought I would share it again. I love it.

Thought Provoking Thursday

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:54:00 PDT

Ok, for those of you that are new (hello), I used to do Thought Provoking Thursday every Thursday. Obviously its been awhile. The basis of TPT is I ask a question that doesn’t always have an easy answer, (hence, thought provoking). So I can’t say I will have one every Thursday again but I will try to do it more often. Without further ado. The question:

If you could ensure your kids never have one experience that you have had, what would it be?

My Answer: I don’t ever want my children to know self doubt. I want them to love themselves for who they are, imperfections and all. I have struggled most of my life with self esteem issues, and really don’t want them ever to know those feelings.

Leave your answer in the comments or ask and answer the question on your blog (button in sidebar).

Amethyst

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:46:00 PDT

When I went and photographed this darling family I was at the Botanical Gardens and came early to take pictures of plants, flowers, etc. Here are some purple ones for you…pink ones to come later!

All of the water lilies were in bloom….amazing.

I really loved them…… I may actually print some of these!

Purple berries on some sort of tree/bush.

I love this picture, only the very tips of the petals of the flower are in focus and the rest is blurry, but it makes it look like a painting. So, don’t always erase those not so in focus pics. they can be great too.

Gingers were all in bloom too, its fun to go there different times of the year to see what is in bloom. When I went in April it was a totally different place.

Because Suicide Seemed The Only Way Out

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 05:11:00 PDT

Five pills, water, swallow. Five pills, water, swallow. Five pills, water, swallow……

That night in the spring of 1993 is blurred to me, as is much that followed.

I can recall crying for hours, not because a boy didn’t like me, or because girls were being malicious to me at school, but because I was in so much anguish. Mentally and physically. This wasn’t a feeble cry for help, I was not simply screaming wolf. This was the answer to my problem. The only answer.

Depression had sucked every last fiber of my being out of me. It left me raw, aching, and cornered in a mental cage of my own hell. I could hardly stifle a breath anymore, my depression was smothering me, it was very methodically killing me.

I pleaded that night with my parents, I could not go to school the next day. I evidently pleaded this case a lot.

It hurt too much to pull my legs out of bed, put my feet to the ground, and try to defog my dismal mind every morning. It took too much exertion to dress myself, put on a blithe face, and keep from crumpling to the floor all school day long.

When my parents said I had to go to school the next day, I tried to runaway instead. My dad caught me only a few feet out the door. They brought me back in and sat me down, rationalized with me some more. At one point I apparently said “I think I need some counseling.”

How poignant that at thirteen I knew there was something terribly awry with my mind. I knew I was not your run-of-the-mill thirteen year old. I was not conflicted between make-up and My Little Ponies, and once treasured Barbie’s and boys. I was conflicted with myself, my mind had waged war against me.

I can recall going to the medicine cabinet and seeking out the largest bottle of pills. It was a Sam’s club sized bottle of ibuprofen. I hid it under my shirt and brought it to my room.

Here is where it gets really blurry, lines cross, and my reality becomes undoubtedly obscure. What I write is the naked truth, I just wish I retained more of it.

I am fairly certain I wrote a suicide note, although one was never found, since obviously I am still here.

With my glass of water in one hand and my smooth maroon circle pills in the other, I shook them out into my trembling palm. I swallowed them five at a time.

I swallowed down my hatred for myself. My hatred for my grotesque face and body.

I swallowed down the pain that was tormenting my adolescent mind. The pain that was keeping me from functioning like the little girl I still was. The little girl I yearned to be. The little girl I lost.

I swallowed down the grief over my Grandmother’s death. The first person I loved to ever disappear from my life. Death has a way of undermining everything you ever thought to be authentic in life. Mortality shook me to my core.

I swallowed it all down, all the self hatred, all the emotional turmoil, all the the loud whirling noises in my head, all the anxiety, and all of my suffering.

I remember I watched myself in my antique dresser mirror as I did this, tears strewing down my childlike face. I hated my reflection, so looking in the mirror only fueled my suicidal desire further.

Five pills. Five more. Five more pills. This went on until I had taken seventy pills. I figured surely seventy pills of any medicine was enough to kill a person. Enough to find my ethereal place in the sky.

I laid down in bed and awaited my demise.

Relief washed over me because I knew I wouldn’t have to live my life in such pain anymore.

I knew the world would be a better place with out me.

I knew this was my fate.

I wept with my whole body, as I lay there waiting to die.

At some point my world went black, I lost consciousness…….

to be continued……..

“I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.”- Kurt Cobain’s suicide letter

to read the first part of this story go here

Wheeee!

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:57:00 PDT

Ezra is on steroids again and boy has it been fun. I think they should hand out a scrip for valiums for the parents along with the scrip for roids for your child. Makes sense.

Anyway, he isn’t quite as bad as he was the first time, but he is still crabby, dazed, and irrational.

I am also crabby and irrational, when it becomes too much I find a mental happy place, and chant out loud “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming” over and over….it helps, try it.

See the daze…? It will break your heart. He looks sick now, its hard to see. Anyway, he has been insisting we go on wheeee’s which are rides in the stroller, which we haven’t done since the last time he was on the steroids, which was like 2 months ago.

So early the other morning…I don’t even think I had drank my coffee yet, Ezra insisted we go wheeee. Ask any parent who has been through the child roid rage and they will tell you its just easier to bend the rules during that time…thus he controls a lot of what we do.

So off we go, the weather has actually cooled down, at 7am we had to wear warmer clothes.

Rowan…..what can I say, so stinking cute, but so darn naughty. He is just such an ~~annoying~~ inquisitive little boy.

So you may be asking yourself what the heck is in Ezra’s mouth? That’s Teddy. Ezra’s sacred teddy bear. He likes to suck on Ted’s ~~ass~~ tail. He sucks on it like a normal kid would a pacifier. Ted butt sucking has increased greatly since the start of the steroids. Ted gets washed every other day, and his butt gets dried twice a day. Ted is a lot of work… I just can’t bring myself to take it away from him after all he has been through.

I think we wheeeed three times that day. And so we wheeee, we run, we skip, and Ro picks flowers.

And wheeee can’t wait until the steroids are over.

The Witching Month

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:20:00 PDT

I can’t remember if I made this last year or the year before…anyway I saw this Halloween advent calendar in the Pottery Barn catalog. I knew I had to have one, but did not want to pay $60 for it! This is Pottery Barn’s.

Sometimes it pays to be manic! Did I mention I did all the sewing by hand. I was going to do a tutorial on how to make one, but life got in the way..next year I will write it.

We had a Christmas advent calendar growing up and I loved it. When I saw this idea I decided we would do a Halloween advent calendar instead of Christmas…it helps break up all the gifts and spending!

Rowan thinks that a witch comes every night and leaves him and Ezra a present. Its so fun for them…plus I tell them they have to behave or the witch won’t come….this witch has leverage!

Happy Witching Month!

I Heart Faces-“Blue”

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:29:00 PDT

I haven’t done one of these in awhile, but I have been going through pictures lately and saw the theme this week, and I knew I had a picture. Here is Ro sitting underneath one of those umbrella fountain things.

Manic Mother Photography

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:31:00 PDT

I haven’t been blogging as much because I have been busy working on a new venture. I will now be doing photography on the side, in efforts to generate extra income for us. So if you live in the north central Florida area, go check it out. I am charging very little to begin with to get more experience, and more customers. I am up for photographing just about anything, so just email or call if your interested. Check out the site here Manic Mother Photography.

Manic Mother Photography on Facebook

Random Ramblings

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:52:00 PDT

I wish I could tell you all that it gets easier with time.

I wish I could tell you my anxiety and pain, roll off of my back now, that they have become akin to my being, one with my soul.

I wish I could tell you this, so that if your child got stricken with a deplorable life threatening ailment, I could at least offer solace.

But I will not distort my truth.

It doesn’t get any easier. Certain parts, perhaps, but as a whole it has not gotten any less complex.

It never gets any easier to restrain my baby as people poke him with needles and prod him with machines.

It never gets any easier to watch him cry, or to listen to those heart wrenching screams of his.

It never gets any easier to look into his pleading eyes, and not be able to answer those pleas.

It doesn’t get any easier to watch him hooked up to an IV pole with toxins dripping into his bloodstream, contaminating him for a cure.

I wish I could fix this, I yearn to fix this.

I wish I could heal him, mend him up, and make him a thriving two year old again.

I wish I didn’t know about spinal taps, chemotherapy, and blood counts. How I hate my new found knowledge.

I wish things could go back to how they were before.

When my biggest concerns were getting my boys through the day, not keeping one of them alive.

Just when I think I have accepted Ezra’s leukemia, I fall apart again.

I find something new to vex over.

I have so much underlying anxiety, I don’t even know most of it exists.

I am no longer just a mother, and a wife.

I am saving a life, I am on constant vigil.

I am just so fearful of the unknown, its eating me alive.

In the grand scheme of things, I know he is going to be fine.

I know he will get a gold star in cancer ass kicking.

I know we will beat this.

The cure rate is phenomenal for his type of leukemia, its just that small grey area that worries me.

I have moments where I emotionally berate myself, because I feel as his mother, I should be able to fix this.

And I can’t.

I can’t make it better.

My love alone won’t cure him.

That my friends, is one of the hardest parts to accept.

I can’t wrap myself around him, hold him close and cure him with my kisses.

I can only care for him as best as I possibly can, and have faith that his doctors know how to cure his tainted blood.

I thought I knew pain and heartache.

I thought we were old friends.

I was disconcerted when that friend betrayed me. I didn’t think I could possibly be worthy of so much remorse in one lifetime.

But such is life.

Horrid things happen to really virtuous people. Amazing things happen to really immoral people.

Babies get cancer and morons win the lottery.

While fairness is a commendable notion in theory, it is just not plausible.

Life is not fair, it does not play favorites.

Revel in your bliss, count your blessings each and every day, you never know when life may throw you a deviant curve ball.

I can not stress it enough…life is too short!

Live with no regrets. Love freely. Flourish in everything you do.

Small Town Florida

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 04:55:00 PDT

I took some “me” time this week and drove a little bit out of town to a little town known for its antique shops.

I just figured I could take some pictures, and enjoy my free time. The town has lots of old buildings also.

Like this inn.

And cute little houses.

And churches.

Church windows.

More old buildings, all of the textures were really neat.

And really cool old doors.

I heart this picture.

And neat old windows.

This was painted on the side of a wooden building.

It was all in the detail….so quaint.

More cute buildings.

I fell in love with this bike.

An old Schwinn.

Me in the bike mirror…why don’t bikes come with mirrors anymore…?

And then I drove around on roads like this, and found myself in a very unexpected place, but that is for another post….

What Depression Feels Like….

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:53:00 PDT

Envision yourself free falling into complete darkness.

You fall, and you fall some more, you are spinning and contorting as you fall.

You try to scream but nothing comes out, and so you cry. You cry until you think your whole being may just explode from all of the pressure.

You taste the bile at the back of your throat, and the salt of the tears that are falling into you open silent screaming mouth.

You can hardly breathe, each breath is a labor of exertion, and you are so very wearied and wasted.

You keep thinking surely you will hit the bottom soon, you have been caught in this timeless plunge for so long.

But your feet don’t ever touch the ground, you just keep falling.

You are suspended in an everlasting free fall into darkness, for hours, days, and months.

This is what depression feels like.

It takes your breath, sanity, and balance away.

I have had these feelings more times than I care to count, some times it lasts only a few days, other times it has lasted over a year.

An ample part of my life was spent struggling to find myself, catch my breath, and land both of my feet on the ground.

Once in the spring of 1993, I hit the ground.

I hit it with a soul shattering thud, and each breath was now stabbing me in the chest. I was marred, wounded, and internally bleeding.

I had to put myself out of this misery.

The only way to rid myself of this fierce pain, was to not be able to feel it at all.

I had to kill myself.

I could not live in this much agony anymore.

I was thirteen.

to be continued…….

Manic Mother Memoirs

manicmotherme@gmail.com (Manic Mother) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 04:40:00 PDT

I have already mentioned that I would be sharing more of my writing with you. For years I used writing as a form of therapy for myself. I stopped shortly after having children…there wasn’t the idle time anymore to sit with a pen and paper at a coffee shop daydreaming and recording my thoughts. I by no means know what I am doing, I have no formal training or education, and I am for the most part a grammatical nightmare, but I enjoy writing.

After Ezra was diagnosed with Leukemia, I had to write, it was as though a flame was lit underneath me. I knew I needed that therapy that writing provided in my life again. Not only have I been thinking and writing about Ezra, but it has brought a lot of my past to light for me as well.

I have always known I have a story to tell, and a book to write. My life has faced times of major turmoil, happiness, and change, its fair to say I spent about a decade of my life in some degree of emotional turmoil. I have decided to start sharing some of those stories with you all. Some of them won’t be easy to write or read. But like I said, I have a story to tell…. Until book publishers are knocking on my door , I will be writing parts of my story here to share with you.

I will be calling it the “Manic Mother Memoirs”. I have no clue how often I will post these stories, I imagine I will have to break them up into parts, to keep you in suspense.

Since starting this blog, I have had many people thank me for my candor with my bipolar disorder. So, why not share and possibly help some more people, to feel less alone.

Look for the first one this Monday!