Makes You Laugh - Cry Without It

An Irish Mental Institution

2009-12-15T18:46:00.000+08:00

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.

They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.

Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.

The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.

The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

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Wedding Is Boring!?!? (2)

2009-12-14T18:31:00.000+08:00

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The World Must Be Crazy (20)

2009-12-13T19:04:00.000+08:00

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An Ailing Child

2009-12-12T18:38:00.001+08:00

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant.

"Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and continued his exam.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

"Of course not!" she replied. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

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Cheerleaders with a twist (1)

2009-12-11T18:39:00.001+08:00

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Funny ads compilation [7 of 8]

2009-12-10T18:49:00.000+08:00

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Well

2009-12-09T18:43:00.000+08:00

James was starting he's first day of job as a policeman. So as he was patrolling. He saw there's one old man keep walking round and round a well saying twelve,twelve,twelve.

So out of curiosity he walk forward and ask the old man, how come he keep counting twelve. The old man point his finger in the well. So as James was bending down and look into the well. The Old man give James a mighty hard kick and James fell into the well.

And the old man continue walking round and round the well saying thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen

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Kitty Mayhem (4)

2009-12-08T18:25:00.000+08:00

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Red Bull Commercial - Pigs Fly

2009-12-07T19:07:00.000+08:00

Please Mum i really want go Gentlemen's club
Herher! When pigs fly young man.

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Lovely fight between the couple.

2009-12-06T18:59:00.000+08:00

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

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De-Motivation: Immaturity

2009-12-05T18:55:00.000+08:00

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Funny ads compilation [6 of 8]

2009-12-04T18:59:00.001+08:00

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A Brief History Of Medicine

2009-12-03T18:52:00.000+08:00

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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Extreme Party Costumes (1)

2009-12-02T18:55:00.000+08:00

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Active Seniors

2009-12-01T18:53:00.000+08:00

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Why Email is Like a Penis ...

2009-11-30T18:46:00.000+08:00

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power.

They are wrong. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

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Best ‘Help Wanted’ Store Sign

2009-11-29T18:30:00.000+08:00

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Fun at Work

2009-11-28T18:44:00.000+08:00

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Words To Live By

2009-11-27T18:56:00.001+08:00

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

The Second mouse gets the cheese

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons, some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

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Facebook Firing

2009-11-26T18:55:00.001+08:00

Some things are best left secret!

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Funny ads compilation [5 of 8]

2009-11-25T18:51:00.000+08:00

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Parking Tickets Galore

2009-11-24T18:53:00.002+08:00

I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

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Check Your Kid's Homework

2009-11-23T18:50:00.000+08:00

Here's the message the teacher received the next day:

Dear Mrs. Jones, I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

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The World Must Be Crazy (19)

2009-11-22T18:45:00.001+08:00

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THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

2009-11-21T18:50:00.001+08:00

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

**********************

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

*********************

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

********************

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

******************

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

********************

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men throw things at cats.

**********************

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

**********************

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

********************

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change... but she does.

**********************

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man may put on shoes for weddings and funerals.

*********************

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

**********************

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

***********************

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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