I’m so happy I came across “The Man Who Spoke Snakish” by Andrus Kivirähk, translated from Estonian by Christopher Moseley. It’s is an epic yarn that follows the adventures of Leemet, a wild forest boy who is the last speaker of an ancient language that can command the animals. Accompanied by a charming viper, seductive bears, lice big enough to ride, flying grandfathers, a giant, sleeping frog-dragon and much more, he struggles to find his place in a vanishing world. It’s a wildly inventive and irreverent journey with a wise and wise-cracking hero, but also an allegory, a warning about the dangers of colonization, and the struggle between nature and civilization.

If you know other fantasy books set in truly original worlds, please let me know!

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So, I’ve wondered what happened to Pinocchio after he got his new body. Was it all he imagined it would be? Did it satisfy the longing in his heart? Perhaps he didn’t feel as different as he expected. Perhaps he even felt like an impostor – human on the outside, but still the same wooden boy inside. After all, none of us looks the same on the outside as we did when we were children, and yet the thread of identity – the knowledge that you’re still you – remains unbroken.

We make many emotional demands of our bodies. We want them to live up to impossible standards, to make us happy and loved, to reflect our ideal selves. And so often, they let us down. Perhaps we’re asking too much of them.

Writing about Pinocchio, not as a wooden boy, but as the human adult he presumably grew up to be, has allowed me to explore these questions and come to some understanding of what it means to be onesself in the world.

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At the end of a very bad day Nora decides her life is not worth living and attempts suicide, but instead of dying, she finds herself in the Midnight Library – a place where every one of the infinite number of books on the shelves is a life she might have lived if she had made different choices along the way. Much like “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “A Christmas Carol”, she has lessons to learn along the way before she can make peace with the path she has actually lived in her “root life.” And she’s remarkably game about diving into each life.

At first, I wasn’t sure about this book. Did I want to read about someone so tragically depressed? And the ending seemed so obvious. Would I be disappointed to get there and see I was right? I got there, and I was right, but I wasn’t disappointed. Nora’s journey through her possible lives, and Nora herself as she learns about herself, kept me curious and then rooting for her. Each step seemed right, but there were still surprises. It’s so artfully constructed and written, that I found myself delighted as each piece fell into place and new layers revealed themselves. 

If you like Magical Realism and pondering the nature of life and consciousness, you’ll like this book.

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If you’re on a diet, reaching your goal weight is a huge accomplishment. It’s something you can point to with pride and say, “I did that.” Lord knows keeping it off is not easy, but you don’t need to keep setting new weight loss goals for the rest of your life.

Fitness is a different beast. There is no finish line. No day when you can sit back and say, “There! Glad that’s done!” The Tyranny of Fitness is that it never ends and it never gets better. The more time goes by, the harder and longer you have to run just to stay where you are. Oh, you might set a specific goal – run a 10K, say – but then what? Hang up your shoes and admire your medal? The minute you do, all that lovely fitness starts to melt away, and before you know it, you’re panting up the stairs again. Put those shoes back on your aching feet and train for a marathon. And you’re still not done. Because the Torture. Never. Stops.

So here’s my question: How do you stay fit when you know it’s a treadmill with no end and you’re not a sportsy type of person who just loves fitness-making activities for their own sake? I’m serious. I will post a follow-up with your best suggestions.

On your marks…

Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash

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“The Golem and the Jinni” by Helene Wecker is about two mythological creatures: Chava, a golem made of clay and brought to life by an evil rabbi, and Ahmad, a jinni freed from his bottle after a thousand years. They become unlikely friends and help each other survive the harsh life in the early 20th century New York immigrant tenements. Wecker’s background blends Jewish and Arabic cultures and it shows, in the beautiful way she weaves the richness of both into the tapestry of American immigrant life. A sequel is coming out soon and I can’t wait to read it!

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Not sure why sea shanties are having a moment, but I’ve always liked them and I’m not above using them for my own nefarious purposes. I invite you to sing along, but if you’re gonna, do it with gusto!

Put On Your Fucking Mask
An original covid pandemic sea shanty by Eva Moon, 2021
Download song at Bandcamp: http://tiny.cc/fuckingmask

I went to the neighborhood grocery store
Hey, ho, is it too much to ask
A naked-faced bastard walked right through the door
Put on your fucking mask

With a hey, ho, are you ready to roll
Not without your goddamn mask
With a hey, ho, go cover your hole
Put on your fucking mask

To the shithead at Costco, I said what the heck
Pull up your mask, you don’t breathe through your neck

The bitch at Home Depot was overexposed
Do you think germs don’t come out of your nose?

The post office jerk said he didn’t consent
May he end his days in an oxygen tent

The longer you fight it, the longer we’re stuck
We’re all getting sick cuz you don’t give a fuck

Please! Wear a mask and wear it properly! End the coronavirus pandemic lockdown!

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Coziness has something for all the senses, but primarily the sense of touch.

You know it by feel with your eyes closed: It’s that old, oversized sweater with the sleeves that almost reach the tips of your fingers; your fuzzy slippers that have permanently molded to the exact shape of each of your feet; that one pair of extra soft, thick socks you could find in the drawer in the dark by touch alone; the one mug with the just right weight and curve that nestles warmly in your hands so perfectly that the chip in the handle doesn’t matter; the frayed comforter you’ve had forever or maybe one of those new plush blankets that’s so soft it’s like touching air; a furry friend in your lap; your chair – you know the one – or your corner of the sofa.

Smell and taste are old, old senses. They burrow beneath thought and can take you away from everything scratching at the surface of your brain. What are the smells and tastes that evoke your most comforting memories? Wood burning in the fireplace? Soup on the stove? Bread or cookies just out of the oven? What’s your cozy beverage? Tea? Cocoa? A glass of wine or a snifter of brandy? And maybe one of those warm cookies or a little plate of cheese, crackers and pear wedges. When my son, Eric was little, he loved the smell of cloves so much, he made a little bag of them and wore it around his neck so he could sniff it anytime he felt worried or sad. What’s your bag of cloves?

What’s in your ears and eyes when you feel the most cozy? Rain on the window? The snap and flicker of a fire? Maybe it’s favorite music in your earbuds or yarn in your hands or a book you’ve wanted to read or reread forever? Is it time to rewatch that silly TV series you’ve seen a dozen times? A long phone chat with a dear friend. Or do you crave just a bit of silence – a break from the endless natter of the TV or the people in your household demanding your attention. You deserve and are absolutely worth five minutes of silence even if it’s uncomfortable for other people. They’ll live.

I would challenge you to find your own definition of coziness and make space for it in your life, but challenge is not a cozy word. I have a wish for you: That even on the busiest, craziest, jangled-nerve days of your life, there’s a place you’ve made just for yourself – a nest you can retreat to for just a few minutes of cozy comfort.

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Dump the following things into a giant mixing bowl:

1. Mrs. Cubbison’s Cubed Seasoned stuffing or Traditional stuffing – THREE boxes. (but NOT NOT NOT cornbread stuffing EVER. Cornbread stuffing is great – my mother-in-law’s was outstanding. But not in THIS recipe so I don’t even want to hear about it.) I have used bags of plain cubed dried bread and even toasted my own bread cubes and they’re fine. Just as long as it’s white or wheat bread. Definitely not cornbread.
2. Giblets: Find the giblets and neck in the the turkey and broil them until well done. When they’re cool enough, chop and toss in the bowl. Pick as much meat off the neck as you can. It all adds FLAVOR and flavor is good.
3. Caramelized onions and garlic: Chop two large onions and brown them slowly in a whole stick of real butter. There’s no point in skimping on butter. It’s not like you eat this all the time. And don’t rush either; browning onions is an alchemy that can’t be hurried. When the onions just begin to brown, toss in a whole head of garlic, chopped. Cook until the onions are golden and scrape the whole mess into the bowl.
4. Sautéed mushrooms and celery: Halve and slice a pound of mushrooms and 7-8 stalks of celery. I usually chop in the celery leaves too because WTF else are you going to do with them? Melt another stick of butter and cook the lot until it’s about half the volume it was when you started.
5. Two cans of water chestnuts and an entire bunch of parsley, chopped.
6. Extra seasoning: I like to add a good amount of sage and some kind of herb seasoning mix. The stuffing mix is seasoned but you’ve added a lot of veg and anyway, MORE seasoning is better. Does not need more salt, though, IMO.
7. Chicken or turkey stock: about 5 cups.

Mix well and cram into a large, greased crock pot. Cook on high for at least four hours. Check for dark brown crust along the sides. If it’s getting too dark too soon, lower the heat, but don’t worry too much. People will fight over the blackened bits.

That’s it! Happy Holidays!

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11 Fletching Hacks You Won’t Learn on the Fief! –> #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 27, 2017

15 Tweets That Sum Up the Crusades PERFECTLY. (number 9 is hilarious!) #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 27, 2017

Is Your Liege Exploiting You? … He is if he does these FIVE things –> #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 27, 2017

Do You Know How to Turn Lead to Gold? 98% of people gave the WRONG answer! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 27, 2017

Black Death? In MY hamlet? It’s More Likely Than You Might Think! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 27, 2017

These Serfs Saw an Eclipse for the First Time. You Won’t BELIEVE What They Did Next!! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

15 Problems Only Lepers Will Understand. #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

The 10 Hottest Celebrity Jesters of 1217 #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

19 Mindblowing Root Vegetables Guaranteed to Change Pottage Forever! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

What’s Your True Guild? Take This Quiz to Find Out! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

10 Plantagentets that suck #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

Why You Should Forget Everything You Know About Sheep Dung! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

9 Reasons You Can Blame the Plague on Comets #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

9 Reasons You Can Blame the Plague on Comets #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About the Magna Carta! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

12 Ways Leeches Can Help You Live to be 12! #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

What Not to Wear to the Crusades #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

18 Hilarious Heraldry Fails #medievalclickbait

— Eva Moon (@evamoon) August 26, 2017

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Please feel free to share these with your friends. Contact me for info on getting hi-res versions or to use in a publication.

#brca, #force17, #brcartoons, #cancer

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