There’s a coffee table book that I own titled “A Passion for Flowers” by Carolyne Roehm, and I love always having it opened to a page that is representative of whatever season we’re currently in. It’s as if there’s an additional flower arrangement in the room, just by having this beautiful book displayed on the table.

There are tulips and ranunculus for spring, hydrangeas and roses for summer, dahlias and chrysanthemum for autumn, and camellias and pine cones for winter, to name but a few. There are also lovely quotes, ideas for arranging flowers, and there are photos…pages and pages of glorious photos, and I love every single one, but I made a sad discovery today. Not wanting to give up the lovely pages of wicker trays holding small vases of delicate Johnny-jump-ups, violets, and afternoon tea on crisp, white embroidered linen, I hadn’t turned the page for several days. When I did, I realised that I had missed the pages dedicated to Mother’s Day, and the lovely lilies of the valley, silver, crystal, beautiful French white porcelain, and double white tulips which were featured there. It made me wonder, how many other things had I missed in life because I wasn’t ready to move on, or simply couldn’t bring myself to turn the page?

There’s such a fine line between not knowing how to enjoy what we have, and not wanting to let go of one lovely thing so that we can welcome the even lovelier things that are waiting ahead for us. Nothing lasts forever, after all, and knowing how to appreciate the moment, and then gently release it, can be one of the most beautiful skills that we could possibly learn.

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1. Always act professionally, even when others do not

2. Wait until you are able to respond in an appropriate manner to any offensive email or voicemail…sleep on it, if you must

3. Return all messages within the same business day

4. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it

5. Avoid using inappropriate language

6. Understand that being well-mannered does not mean being weak

7. Remember that both parties must win in any negotiation for a partnership to be successful

8. Be smartly dressed, no matter what your position or industry

9. Mentor junior colleagues

10. Get to know those you work with, and leverage their strengths and talents

11. Deliver difficult messages directly, but kindly

12. Never raise your voice

13. Get to know your clients, and treat them with respect and honesty

14. Do the right thing, even when no one will know

15. Build personal rapport with clients and colleagues, including learning basic personal details, and treat them as human beings rather than a means to an end

16. When everyone else is panicking, remain calm

17. Never discuss or compare personal incomes

18. Accept business compliments and awards with grace and modesty

19. Thank others who have contributed to your success

20. Be grateful for opportunities to shine, rather than complaining about the extra work

21. Remember that your job performance is a reflection on you, your colleagues, and your firm

22. Be present, and devote yourself to the job at hand, and do the same when at home

23. Rise above office politics

24. Never speak ill of current or past employers

25. When interviewing for a new job, always focus on where you’d like to go, rather than on why you’re leaving your current position

26. Use business casual dress as a way to dress a bit more stylishly, not sloppily

27. If you are presenting in front of a group, wear a suit even if your audience is dressed casually

28. Don’t take yourself too seriously, and be able to laugh at your own foibles

29. Understand that every job and position is integral in making an enterprise successful, and rise to the occasion

30. Build good will by helping others every time you can

31. Don’t become territorial about your responsibilities, always have an image of how your role fits into the larger picture

32. Always do your utmost to make your manager and your firm look its best, and you will be a sought after commodity

33. Mobile phones should not be seen nor heard during business meetings

34. If an email exchange shows signs of becoming tense, pick up the phone and call the other party instead of continuing

35. Don’t hide behind technology, deliver difficult messages in person or via live phone call, never by email, voicemail or text

36. Never, ever burn a bridge

37. Be more inclined to give credit than to take it

38. When the going gets rough, look for solutions rather than focusing on the problems

39. Look for ways to do your job in the most efficient way it can be done

40. Be impeccably loyal to your firm

41. Always be honing your craft, and improving your performance

42. Stay on top of industry news, and always be learning

43. Don’t fall prey to the time wasters of email and office gossip

44. Avoid offensive and derogatory remarks or jokes, and generalisations of any sort

45. Smile more often

46. Don’t disclose intimate details about your health or personal life at work

47. Keep business attire elegantly simple, yet stylish

48. Accept common courtesies, such as a door being opened, with a simple and polite “thank you”

49. Be engaged

50. Be kind

51. Be inclusive

52. If you manage others, let them have control of their responsibilities

53. If you manage others, remember that your job comes with the responsibility of looking out for the best interests of your team, not the other way around

54. Manage conflict with others privately and respectfully

55. Act in a way at work that you would be proud for your children or your grandparents to see

56. Avoid wearing too much perfume or cologne

57. Learn to graciously say that someone else has a better idea

58. Be happy for the success of others

59. Be the kind of employee that you would like to hire

60. Be the kind of leader that you would like to work for

61. Help others achieve their golas

62. Protect your business reputation at all costs

63. Stay in touch with colleagues, don’t only phone when you need something

64. You don’t need to be friends with everyone you work with, but you must be able to build respectful partnerships with them

65. Send thank you notes to colleagues and clients where appropriate

66. Avoid being confrontational, and look for ways to build bridges instead

67. Always moderate ambition with a dash of restraint

68. Remember that remaining gracious under pressure is the hallmark of a true leader

69. Understand that sometimes slower is much more elegant than fast

70. Remember that it’s not what you say, but how you say it that matters

71. Insecurity and professional jealousy will only harm your own chances of success

72. Avoid being defensive, it shows a lack of self confidence

73. Join Toastmasters to become a more eloquent speaker

74. Be the model of business discretion, because you never know who might be listening

75. In word, in deed and in dress, if in doubt, don’t

76. Cultivate quiet self confidence, and remember that boastful behaviour is never elegant

77. When asking for a raise or promotion, do it respectfully and with documentation showing why it’s deserved

78. Dress for the position that you’d like to have

79. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem

80. Be certain you have your facts straight before speaking, otherwise let others know that it’s your opinion

81. Never steal another person’s idea

82. Give credit where credit is due, it will always put you in a better light

83. Never make up an answer, simply say “I don’t know, but I’ll find that answer for you.” and then make sure that you do

84. Whether you are a man or a woman, never underestimate the value of good manners in business

85. Be genuine

86. Embrace the new ideas and directions that your firm chooses

87. Be passionate

88. Have fun

89. Do a bit more than is expected

90. Encourage others

91. Read at least 6 books a year on business related topics

92. Apologize for a job done poorly, rather than making excuses

93. Cultivate solid decision making skills

94. Don’t be afraid to speak up with new ideas

95. Don’t allow hurt feelings to cloud business judgment

96. Always take the high road

97. Find productive ways to enjoy your job

98. Be someone who others look up to and respect

99. Learn how to behave in all different types of work environments

100. Always act with grace and dignity, and with a clear sense of ethics to guide you

Roland Mouret trenchcoat

Cleaning out the clutter in our lives gives us less to take care of, so there’s more time to enjoy the lovely things we do choose to keep, but what about cleaning out the clutter in our hearts and in our minds? Could all the maintenance involved in keeping up habits that we no longer need, and thought patterns that only get in the way be taking up valuable time that could be used to focus on the beauty we have in our lives instead?

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It’s such a strange phenomenon that we are able to give others the benefit of the doubt, yet often we don’t. Strangers aside, why is it that we can so easily go to the worse possible intentions of those we live our lives with? Is it part of our inherent makeup, like optimism or pessimism? Is it forged from years of believing someone’s (or everyone’s) intentions to be selfish or hurtful, even if there is no way for us to ever prove that to be true? Or is it a combination of the two, intertwined into our belief system and not easy to part with? More importantly, what does the inability to give others the benefit of the doubt do to those involved?

Not giving others the benefit of the doubt can take us down to a place of insecurity, loss, doubt, and anger. We can conjure up all sorts of demons in the blink of an eye, and everywhere we look there will be proof of our worst fears. It very quickly becomes concrete fact in our own minds, and we can end up spending all of our time protecting ourselves rather than enjoying our friends, our families and our lives. What it does to the person not being given the benefit of the doubt can be even more tragic…a life spent trying to endlessly prove oneself, and the sense of futility that comes with that impossible task.

On the other side of the coin, what does taking the leap of faith and giving the benefit of the doubt do for us, and those we extend this gift to? For the giver, there’s a burden lifted by believing that others are just living their lives and genuinely don’t have any intention of doing us harm. We can enjoy our lives, learn to act as if others’ intentions are good, and know that if we do have anything to protect ourselves from, the truth will ultimately prevail. For the receiver, there’s the lovely feeling of knowing that we are known, and there’s the joy of being able to just be, rather than constantly having to do more and more to prove our worth. For both, there’s the simple elegance of trust, on which relationships of any sort thrive.

It’s a rare and lovely thing to give someone the benefit of the doubt. It isn’t something that anyone else can teach us or force us to do, but it could save us so much imaginary trouble, and give us a tool that can beautifully uncomplicate our lives, as well.

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I’ve always been puzzled by the question of how much one should change. There are two very different philosophies, and they’re both quite convincing. One camp is firmly in the “be who you are, and don’t change for anyone” zone, and the other lies squarely in the “if you’re not changing, you’re dead” way of thinking, but which side is correct?

The first side honours the individuality in each one of us. It says that we’re all made imperfect, and that’s what makes us perfect. It takes a huge weight off of our collective shoulders to conform, allowing the individual to grow and develop organically, rather than in a forced or unnatural way. It’s elegant and unassuming, it’s a smoothing off of rough edges by the life we’ve lived and the people and places that have influenced us, and it whispers that it’s best to enjoy the journey and just evolve.

The second opinion says that we must be masters of our own destiny, and take control of what and how we change. It declares that we must change in order to improve, and that relationships, careers and the future depend on each one of us taking the responsibility of being “who and what we’re meant to be”. There’s a certain urgency in its message, as if we’re missing out on the life we could have. It’s life-changing and promissory at its core, its changes are usually swift and recognizeable, and there are measurements and goals along the way, just to make sure that we’re accomplishing our mission.

No, I’m not certain which side is correct, and I believe this battle too might fall somewhere on the “fast versus slow” continuum, but for me, I think I’ll keep taking each opportunity to change at its face value, and decide on a case by case basis. How about you?

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I’ve been thinking about the final Christmas episode of Downton Abbey. In it, Lady Mary breaks off her engagement to Sir Richard in a not-so-pretty showdown of class differences. There was a substantial class divide between the two, and it was never shown off more clearly than in how differently the classes approached business, or more accurately, what the classes were willing to do to make money. Sir Richard, being a self-made man, was willing to do whatever it took to make money and to move up socially, while Lady Mary’s family was bound by a code of honour in everything they did, including business.

Although we may not have the same class differences that existed in the early 1900s, it made me think of all the behaviours I’ve seen in my career. I’ve seen those that were willing to do anything to be successful, including walking over friends, colleagues and mentors, and people that went so far as to miss anniversaries, children’s graduations, and parents’ funerals. Their reasoning was usually that if they didn’t do it, there would always be someone else who would. It’s the same in athletics, when we see people disqualified for using performance enhancing drugs, because “everyone else is doing it, so that’s what I must do to compete.” But is that true? Is “everyone else doing it”? Or is that the excuse we use for not wanting to do the legwork? For not wanting to go the extra mile to do the right thing? For not wanting to wait patiently for success, taking each appropriate step to learn along the way, rather than having the quick rise to the top? For being willing to scream, shout, belittle or intimidate others to get what we want? For being so willing to give up our code of honour in order to be successful?

I’ve also seen the opposite behaviours. I’ve been fortunate to have had many mentors in my life and in my career, and they have all had two things in common; they were extremely successful, and they were extremely principled. One of the most important things they taught me was that those two things were not mutually exclusive. They were devoted parents and partners, ethical leaders, and lovely human beings. One of the best examples came when, as a brand new employee at my firm, I received a very unexpected Christmas bonus from my new employer, a successful self-made business owner. He had phoned the next day (Christmas Eve to be precise) to tell me that the bonus had been less than he had intended to give me, and that he would correct the situation. When I expressed my appreciation, and pointed out that I would have never known the difference, his next words were to become a guiding principle in my career. He simply said, “But I would have known.” There was nothing, or no one, forcing him to do the right thing, except his own code of honour. It immediately renewed my faith in human beings, my industry, and in the ability to be both principled and successful. He was, and still is, one of the most elegant businessmen I’ve ever known, and I have never heard a bad word said about him. I have aspired to that standard my entire career, and I can only hope that I’ve succeeded more often than I’ve failed.

No, there may not be the same societal class standards we see in Downton Abbey, but we are still judged by our professional actions. In each of our careers, it comes down to what class we want to belong to. Will we be remembered for being among the professional and elegant, or for being one of the arrogant and calculating? Success can be had on either path, but who do we want to be at the end of the business day, on the weekends, and at the end of our careers?

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1. Teach them to respect others, by showing others respect ourselves

2. Place the same value on being well-mannered and kind that we do on being popular, wealthy, attractive, good at sports, or getting straight A’s

3. Read to them every night, and take the time to enjoy it

4. Teach them to have empathy by explaining how they’re actions might make others feel

5. Teach them to be kind to themselves in small ways (i.e. saying nice things about themselves, and their talents)

6. Help them to understand that it’s more important to be kind than it is to be right

7. Teach them how to have pride in their work by showing them the difference between just getting a job done, and doing a job well

8. Help them learn a sense of accomplishment by allowing them to do what they can for themselves

9. Help them learn how to entertain themselves without spending money

10. Be their parent first, and their friend second

11. Home should be set up as a benevolent monarchy, with firm ground rules, rather than as a democracy with young members that don’t yet understand all the ramifications of the decisions that must be made

12. Allow them to explain their views without judgment…they’re learning how to form opinions

13. Understand that shouting and harsh comments can be just as damaging as physical abuse

14. Understand that they are not miniature adults, but children that are still learning and who depend on us for gentle guidance

15. Make time everyday to do something fun with them, even if it’s just for half an hour

16. Understand that the natural state of the parent/child relationship is one of struggle, it’s their job to become independent of us

17. Know that as long as they are doing what we ask of them (making their bed, taking out the trash, doing their homework, cleaning their room, etc) it’s okay if they’re stomping and complaining as they’re doing it. It’s illogical to expect them to be thrilled to do tasks we all dislike.

18. Never make them feel as if they’re unwanted, or a bother

19. Encourage their curiosity

20. Encourage their interests, no matter how different they are from our own

21. Show them how to laugh at themselves, by being able to laugh at ourselves

22. Beginning at a very early age, teach them the value of money, and teach them how to save, invest and budget before they leave home

23. Say “yes” to them as often as possible…save “no” for things that are either wrong or unsafe, not for times that we just can’t be bothered

24. Don’t hover, or attend every single activity; let them learn to do things for their own enjoyment, not as a way to please others

25. Take an interest in their activities, and attend often

26. Talk to them about everything, including world events, but at their level of understanding and maturity

27. Instill in them a sense of good manners, and a sense of fun

28. Do not tolerate unkind behaviour toward others

29. Let them know that they can always disagree with us, as long as it’s done with respect

30. Encourage them to follow their dreams

31. Have a life of our own, so they don’t feel responsible for our happiness

32. Help them to believe that they can achieve anything, so long as they’re willing to pay the price

33. Let them know what the price might be for some of their dreams

34. Teach them the natural consequences of their actions by letting them experience those consequences

35. Protect them from games, television and movies that are not appropriate for their age or maturity level

36. Teach them gratitude

37. Remember that it’s our job to raise good, kind human beings; it’s their job to decide whether that good, kind human being will be a doctor, farmer, teacher, writer, etc

38. Don’t expect them to behave in ways that we do not (i.e. calm and polite when angry, tired or stressed)

39. Give them an example of a happy, committed relationship

40. Teach them that it is perfectly fine to feel angry, sad or hurt, but that it isn’t fine to hurt others or be mean just because we’re feeling angry, sad or hurt

41. Show them ways to self soothe when upset (have a friend over, phone a favourite aunt or grandparent, take a bubble bath and make bubble beards, etc)

42. Understand that shouting and screaming makes a parent seem crazy and out of control, and teaches our children that we cannot be trusted in stressful situations

43. Share our interests with them

44. Teach them healthy boundaries with others

45. Teach them how to be loyal

46. If they are cared for by others, be certain that they’re in a healthy, happy, loving environment

47. Teach them the value of good health habits

48. Be certain they get enough sleep

49. Occasionally let them stay up late

50. Have curfews

51. Occasionally let them stay out after curfew

52. Admit our mistakes

53. Apoligize when required

54. Tell them they are loved every day

55. Pass along religious practices and traditons

56. Understand that we are their primary role models, and be the person we’d like them to be

57. Teach them to be a conscious consumer

58. Teach them the difference between wanting and needing

59. Never use guilt as motivation

60. Welcome their friends into our homes, and on outings

61. Stop and really listen to them, in the same way we like being listened to

62. Eat at the dinner table, and encourage conversation

63. Don’t “shush” them too often

64. Let them laugh

65. Teach them that they alone are responsible for their behaviour, and don’t allow them to blame it on circumstances or on others

66. Happily help them with their homework

67. Remain calm when they are not

6. Help them to learn how to explain why they’re upset

69. When asking how their day was, don’t rush them for an answer, or answer for them. Just wait. Even if they only say “fine”…just wait. Sometimes they’ll open up after digesting the question, and their own thoughts.

70. If all else fails, take them for a walk and ask them how their day was, and then wait for the answer.

71. Never withhold love

72. Don’t give them all of the material things they ask for, even if we can afford it

73. Be sure they have plenty of physical activity, even when it’s inconvenient

74. Help at their school

75. Have family game nights

76. Give them a journal or diary to express their feelings freely

77. Praise them four times as often as you correct them

78. Let the little things go

79. Keep a baby book, or keepsake book, and read it every year on their birthday

80. Stop worrying, and understand that we can only do what we can do

81. Know that both nature and nurture go into the adult they will become

82. Stop working so many hours to buy them things, and give them the gift our our time instead

83. Slow down, and let them see us enjoy our own lives

84. Make sure they learn about art and music

85. Travel with them, and introduce them to other cultures, religions and customs

86. Take them to work with you, and explain what you do

87. At an appropriate age, give them something to care for (i.e. a dog, a fish, a plant)

88. Place a high value on education, not only as a way of making money but also for its own sake

89. Let them make mistakes, and don’t belittle them for it

90. Help them learn to correct the mistakes they do make

91. Surround them with interesting people, books and activities

92. Be a balanced parent, don’t overcompensate for our own childhood

93. Be more interested in them than we are in our friends or ourselves

94. Teach them to use technology intelligently, and with good manners (i.e. no cellular phones at the dinner table)

95. Be more interested in whether those they date are kind to them, instead of focusing on whether we like them or not

96. Make sure they know that stressful times have nothing to do with them (i.e. job loss, financial difficulties)

97. As they become a teenager, take on an advisor’s role while still steering

98. When they have a problem, ask them how they think they should solve it, rather than simply giving them the answer, then talk it through

99. Use the last few years that your child is at home to teach them how to manage their own time, money and behaviour

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“Be loyal to those who are not present, and you will gain the respect of those who are.”

~Unknown

Loyalty is a fine and noble thing. It’s at the heart of love, because it looks after others first, it’s at the core of of success, because it requires self-discipline and thoughts of consequences, it’s at the foundation of building a better world, because it takes looking outside of ourselves and at the larger picture, and it’s at the soul of elegance, because it prevents us from saying things that are graceless and self-serving.

Loyalty is what demands that friends and family defend each other to one another and to outsiders, it encourages husbands and wives to talk things through rather than sharing private details with friends, and it asks employees to look for ways to make things better rather than tearing down the employer they’re being paid to build up. It reminds us to speak fondly, or at least objectively, rather than jumping into the fray, and it brings about resolution instead of breeding further contempt.

There are some that would say that loyalty has gone out of fashion, or that it’s a naive and antiquated idea in today’s world. After all, governments are untrustworthy, the nuclear family has broken down, corporations are greedy, and marriages fail. Then again, what are governments, families, corporations and marriages made of, if not for each one of us? How can we expect our institutions not to fail, if we fail our institutions? How can we expect to be trusted, if others hear us being flippant or disrespectful about those we love? Why would a prospective employer hire us if we speak ill of our current, or former employer, knowing they could be next?

This isn’t to say that there aren’t times we must speak up, or that we should let crimes go unpunished. It isn’t to say that the loyal opposition shouldn’t be alive and thriving. It’s just to say, that in our everyday lives, we have the opportunity to do something that is both small and grand by simply being loyal. When we ask ourselves what we can do to change the world in some small way, being loyal may just be the elegant thing.

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I think brunch may be my favourite meal. I love the civilized time of day that it’s served, I love that Champagne is its official drink, I love the tantalizingly glorious mixture of dishes that are traditional brunch fare, and I love that I can almost always find live jazz as brunch’s faithful companion. There’s only one problem with brunch…I save it for special occasions.

I don’t have brunch every week, or even every month. I don’t revel in a leisurely brunch at home on a Saturday with jazz playing in the background. I don’t invite a few special friends over for brunch on a public holiday, and I don’t have brunch just simply because. I save brunch for Mother’s Day, Christmas morning, vacations, or a girlfriend’s birthday celebration. Why is that? Why can’t there be more special occasions made, rather than waiting for them to be happen? Luckily, this problem can be solved. I’ve been looking for a New Year’s resolution that I can get passionate about, and this might just be it.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking, and you’d be correct in thinking that there are much more weighty items that could be on my New Year’s resolution list, but don’t I deserve just one little resolution that’s simple, lovely and that I’ll look forward to keeping? Won’t a happier me be more able to tackle the heavier changes I need to make in my life in 2012? Won’t enjoying brunch a bit more often add just the right amount of sparkle to those sometimes rather dull weeks? No, I think it’s just the right thing to add in to my life, whilst I’m whittling away all those things that need to be taken out. As a matter of fact, rather than making resolutions about all the things I need to STOP doing, perhaps I’ll start making resolutions about all the things I want to begin doing. Eventually, maybe I’ll be so busy doing all of the things I love, and that make me happy, I just won’t be able to find the time to do any of the things that I shouldn’t, and I’ll have a life I simply adore. A life that’s full of everything I enjoy, dream about, and care for.

That’s me taken care of then. A New Year’s brunch resolution. I like it.

eggs benedict at Bar Tartine, San Francisco

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