Life and Love in the Petri Dish

Donor egg update - ups and downs

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 02:10:00 +0000

We've been moving forward toward our donor egg cycle at what feels like a snail's pace.

We found a donor we really liked, and who looks a lot like me at one of the frozen egg banks. We were matched with her and set to get a cohort of 11 eggs.

We passed through the gauntlet of testing at a new New York-based clinic (after the Denver clinic only had 4 donors on their list, we kind of gave up on them, sadly).

The new NY clinic nurse called me and we spoke about my complicated history for almost an hour. Everything seemed to be a go.

I started to get excited. We were looking at cycling next month in April.

Then the phone rang. It was the frozen egg bank. They said they had somehow overlooked that this donor's eggs can ship anywhere except for one state - NY. That they hadn't asked her at the time of her donation how many sexual partners she had had in the past year when she donated (New York stipulates that you can't have had more than two sex partners in the past year). That they hadn't asked her age on some specific form, even though her records clearly state her age. Because of New York's crazy requirements that are apparently more onerous than any other state, the match was off.

I thought we had been on the fresh donor match waiting list at the new clinic for several months as well. We'd asked to get on that list as a back up, just in case. Then I found out that no, we weren't on the list. I had failed to send in a picture of myself, and so we would be at the back of the line, but not even added to the line until a picture of me and Will was received. Of course no one had bothered to mention this to us, despite multiple conversations.

I felt so frustrated. We just want to move forward.

Today I spoke to the medical director of the new clinic, who is our doctor. He doesn't usually handle donor cycles, but because he's been someone we've consulted with throughout the years, he agreed to take our case. I told him about what happened with the frozen egg bank, and he commiserated. I told him about what happened with the fresh donor list at his own clinic and he was really upset. While we were on the phone, he wrote a stern email to his team about it. He said he would see what he could do.

Ten minutes later, one of the nurses called and said they have a donor in mind for us. She apparently looks like me and apparently has other similarities. She is currently cycling for another couple, but if she does well and wants to donate again, the nurse said we should strongly consider her.

It's been a week of highs and lows. Of imagining we'll be pregnant again very soon and then despair and now hope. But I don't want to hope too much until something for sure comes through.

So stay tuned....hopefully there will be progress soon... but who knows. It feels completely out of our hands.

Mo

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Big girl bed - interim report update

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 16:16:00 +0000

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions on how to help Ms. Magpie transition to the toddler bed.

She's doing really well. We've gone from her getting up several times a night to now where she often stays in bed all night quietly until the morning, or, less optimally, stays in bed all night but calls for us at some point either because she is scared or because she thinks it's time to get up.

Both are huge improvements from where things were at originally, with her being up and in our room repeatedly, and often ending up in our bed by the morning after we eventually surrendered out of sheer exhaustion.

We've employed a number of the suggestions that you recommended.

First and foremost, we introduced a sticker chart:

For every night that Magpie stays in bed the ENTIRE night, she gets a sticker on this chart.

Next we moved on to edible positive reinforcers, in the form of CANDY:

We were pretty tired and desperate, so we worried the sticker incentive might not be enough. So we sweetened the pot, with a prize of a GUMMY BUTTERFLY, which is awarded immediately upon awakening, if Magpie stays in bed the ENTIRE night. This turns out to be a very powerful reward, so Magpie almost always does everything she can to earn a gummy butterfly. Who knew?

Finally, we went on Amazon and bought ourselves a bunny toddler clock:

On the advice of many of you, we purchased a (surprisingly expensive!) toddler clock so that Magpie would know when nighttime is over and she can get up for the day. She is very attuned to what the bunny is doing and really tries with this. She stays in bed almost all the time, but doesn't usually quite seem to get the idea yet that we want her to be in bed and QUIET. So we still need to iron that small but significant detail out.

Last night, for the first time, Magpie didn't call out for us and she got up when the bunny did, but played quietly in her room. When I went in to get her, she was up, had turned on the lights, and had her doll, her Lambie, and a toy tiger all out and surrounding her on the floor. All fine by me. So we are moving in the right direction. Yay for sticker charts, positive reinforcers, and toddler clocks.

Most of all, yay for sleep!!

Thank you so much for your help getting us this far!

Mo

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Big girl bed! And big girl bed problems

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 22:21:00 +0000

As of the new year, Magpie moved into a "big girl bed" from her crib. She loves the bed. she loves being a big girl. And it is great not to have to lift her in and out of the crib. She is super proud of herself, and we are proud of her too.

But I am also very tired.

Along with the move to a bed has come a move to many more sleep interruptions for the whole family.

I'm so tired that I can't quite quantify it, but I'm guessing she's up at least three times a night now, ultimately ending up crawling into our bed by the third wake up.

And so, I am turning to you - I think we need a toddler clock type device to teach her when she can and can't get up. I looked on Amazon, and there are several options. Are there any specific devices that have worked for you? Any that were a disappointment?

And is there something besides a toddler clock that I should be considering?

Any help is most (yawn!) appreciated!

Mo

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Miscarriage #8 genetic results

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 12:32:00 +0000

We got the genetics back on miscarriage #8.

The OB's nurse had called me with the results and said it showed a mosaicism. I asked her to tell me the exact results and she started reading...and then kept going...and going...

In a nutshell, our latest pregnancy had some normal cells but then three different kinds of chromsomal errors going on, depending on which of the cells were tested. But it was not just that some of the cells were normal and some were abnormal.

In our embryo, there were normal cells and then three different kinds of chromosomal errors in different segments of cells, including one jumping translocation. Basically the embryo that implanted was a genetic clusterf*ck.

It was a relief to get these results, because these results show completely clearly that this embryo could never have made a living baby in a million years. So there is no "what if" there.

I've spoken to the Denver clinic's head geneticist after she called today, and she thought that the particular type of errors our embryo showed likely occurred later in development. She thought they could stem from the sperm rather than the egg and is calling our local hospital to see if they can run an origin of aneuploidy test on the remaining tissue.That would be helpful I think, in case we go the donor egg route. God forbid we have some previously undetected problem on the sperm side that could be contributing to our many losses.

I also spoke to Dr. Schl. who was very kind and nice and informative and thinks we should look into the origins of this loss but said that his bets are on egg donor and Will's sperm being a viable way to go.

We have begun the donor egg process, both at the Denver clinic and at a local clinic. And we've been looking into going with a frozen egg bank versus a live donor, so stay tuned on that.

On the home front, we've just been enjoying Magpie to the fullest this holiday season. She is so enthusiastic and so verbal. She loves the Christmas tree. She loves the ornaments. She loves the Nutcracker music and story. It is wonderful to see her joy in all things holiday related. A joy to be her mama.

Mo

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Zero. One. Two. Three.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 15:16:00 +0000

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Egg donor compensation - it's complicated

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 17:35:00 +0000

The question of how much egg donors should be compensated is a tough and complicated question.

The NY Times has published two articles about egg donor compensation after a group of egg donors filed a lawsuit alleging they were undercompensated for their donations. The first piece is a reported article about the topic, and the second an op-ed piece.

Personally, I feel of multiple, conflicting minds on this. My first reaction is that egg donors aren't donors in this country and should be able to name their price. But my second thought is that of a clinical researcher. Some of the trials I run offer clinical compensation, and I am expressly forbidden by the Institutional Review Board from offering too much compensation, because that might coerce someone to enroll in a trial just for the financial benefit who wasn't truly comfortable. So from that vantage point, it seems there should be limits.

As a potential user of donor eggs, I was sent an egg donor profile from an agency yesterday and the donor is requesting $35,000 compensation. That's on top of the hefty fees for the agency and the clinic. Which is OMG yowza. She is smart and attractive and she's cycled before, but $35,000 - really? Mostly I've seen agency donors receiving compensation in the $5,000 to $10,000 range. Besides $35,000 being way more than we could ever afford, it seems ethically dicey to be priced beyond a certain amount (on the other hand, I was saddened that at least one woman in the NYT article was compensated only $2,000 for her cycle, which seems far too little). The articles also raise the question of how much the agencies and clinics profit off of these women, and that seems a fair question. It shouldn't be that the agency gets $20,000 and the donor only $5,000, when she is the one going through a somewhat invasive and emotionally wearing process.

I don't have the answers, but of course this lawsuit, and these articles come at an interesting time, since we are considering this route ourselves.

I was curious what others think about egg donation and compensation. Should there be limits? What is fair to all?

Mo

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Where things stand today

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 15:25:00 +0000

I just wanted to say a quick hello. I'm not out the other side of this loss emotionally, but if I waited to post until that happened, it might be a long wait until my next post. I think that most of the physical aspects of the loss are behind me: the night sweats have ceased and I think the majority of the steroid tapering yuckiness* too. The sadness persists.

I don't know where we are going to go from here. Whether we will decide to just have our family be Magpie and us or make another attempt, this time using donor eggs. I've been tentatively exploring various donor egg scenarios (frozen, agency, clinic, etc.) to behaviorally try out how I feel about that. I know that I would be ok with a donor egg baby emotionally, and finding the exact "right" donor doesn't seem to matter quite so much as it used to (Magpie makes it so obvious that each child just is themselves, regardless of where the egg and sperm come from).

I think I mostly wish I could know that if we go the donor egg route that it will work (is it too much to want a guarantee?!), and that we could relatively quickly move forward with our family. I don't think I have a whole lot more stamina left for multiple attempts, and financially it's a significant strain on our resources as well.

I also don't know for sure how Will is feeling about the possibility of using donor eggs. I think he is open to it, but like me he is tired and worn down by the past years trying to conceive (8 years and 9 pregnancies. Gah). He's also a very interior person and so I know there is definitely a process going on inside of him, but I know enough to leave him be and not prod him to try to talk about the process too much too early, especially as right now I'm a bit all over the place, which he would find challenging to tolerate.

Poor Will has been down with an awful GI bug on top of everything else, so it is definitely not the right timing to discuss this on multiple levels. He knows I'm thinking about the donor route (and I'm guessing he is too, in his own way), and he knows I've made an appointment for us at a well regarded local clinic that has a fairly open policy about donor eggs. It's in mid-November and so we should have genetics back by that point, and I'm guessing I'll know how I feel by that time and that we will have been able to have a few conversations about it. I already know for certain I don't want to linger too long here in grief and indecision land, no matter what direction we are heading in.

I will try not to lapse into blog silence as I'm in this difficult place.

I greatly appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. So thank you.

Mo

-----
* "Yucky" is one of Magpie's current favorite words. I don't know where she learned it, but it's her go-to word to express that she is upset or doesn't want to do something. "That quesadilla is yucky" (I don't want to eat it). "Mommy, you are yucky!" (I'm asking her to do something unbearable, like put on her pajamas). Ah, to be almost 3.

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Crash landing

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 12 Oct 2015 19:48:00 +0000

I saw my wonderful OB on Monday for what was supposed to have been my 8w1d first OB appointment but was instead a discussion on whether to medically terminate pregnancy #9 or have a D&C. She graciously offered to fit me in the following day for a D&C in the OR, and I opted for that. I don't know if getting the genetics on this pregnancy back will help me with healing and moving on, but I figured it cannot hurt. On the off chance this pregnancy was chromosomally aneuploid, that information would help. And if it is euploid again like loss #6, well... more complicated, but more information is more information, and I'm a big information seeker, even if that information is too late to help me. I think. To be honest, I'm not sure, but in case it could help me accept this better, I thought I'd rather know.

The procedure was uncomplicated and straightforward and I had no problems from the anesthesia, so that was good. Strangely I woke up from the procedure physically sick with a head cold that I hadn't had a single symptom of one hour prior, and I've been sick the remainder of the week, with Magpie sick and out of school today as well. It's a real cold, not psychosomatic, but pretty incredible it came on so suddenly and at that specific time.

So I've been at work, and have been somewhat crampy since Tuesday afternoon, and I have a head cold, and I'm dragging a bit and very sad. Some of the dragging is the cold, and I think some of it is that I'm tapering off of prednisone. And my hormones are crashing, so I've been having drenching night sweats as well, which is emotionally painful because it somehow simultaneously makes me think of my upcoming menopause and reminds me of the drenching night sweats I had after I gave birth to Magpie, both of which are hard to think about right now.

Speaking of Magpie, I've been hugging her extra tight and smelling her Magpie smell and rubbing noses with her and giving her butterfly kisses with my eyelashes against her eyelashes (no wonder the poor kid is sick). And she's thrilled I can pick her up ("The doctor says you can hold me again? Really? Oh!!") And it helps. It helps so much that she is here. I think I would be beside myself in grief otherwise, because that's what used to really flatten me, the fear that we would never have a child, never make it out the other side, that our problems were insurmountable. They still seem that way but she is here, and she is so real and present and wonderful and alive and herself. I am so grateful.

But despite that, do you want to know the honest truth? I'm not doing so great over here.

I'm also kicking myself a little while I'm down, questioning why I ever thought I could hold onto a pregnancy and what in the world was I thinking? I'm terminally infertile. How could I not know this? How could I get my hopes up again, even in the limited way I allowed myself to? But of course those thoughts are not helpful, and they are probably not even accurate, although it is hard to tell what is accurate these days.

So that is where things are at today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Mo

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8w1d no heartbeat

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 05 Oct 2015 12:45:00 +0000

As feared, today's ultrasound showed that this pregnancy is not viable. Sac had grown but was still on the smaller side, yolk sac had not progressed, no fetal pole. Definitely no heartbeat.

I am waiting to meet with my OB to discuss.

I will call my local RE when his office staff arrives to see if I can get scheduled this week for a D&C.

Will and I are sad, but also really used to bad news at this point. The fact that this pregnancy never looked right from the beginning meant we've been tempering our hopes.

There were no tears, more a sense of sad resignation on both our parts.

A few of the thoughts swimming in my head include:

Nine pregnancies, one living child. Wow, we are really not good at reproducing.
Magpie is a miracle.
And the final thought, now what? No answer to that right now.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and support. They help.

Mo

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Weekend away

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 14:29:00 +0000

I left Thursday to spend a long weekend out of state visiting my sister and helping her with her new baby boy.

I've been taking one of the overnight feedings to give this new family a break, and really enjoying getting to spend time with my new nephew and my sister and her husband. I thought it might be excruciating to be around my sister's baby, given our state of pregnancy limbo, but it's ok. I'm able to put my own situation out of my mind and focus on her and her new babe.

Spending time with them, though, it is remarkable to me how much easier he is to care for than Magpie was at this age, and it has been brought home to me how severe her feeding issues and my breastfeeding difficulties were. This little guy is three weeks old and a champ at the breast already. My sister is dealing with oversupply, which isn't entirely fun, but she can provide an entire feeding in 15 minutes, or pump several ounces in that amount of time on a regular (not hospital pump). I am impressed! Contrast that to me taking 40 minutes to pump with a Medela Symphony, and Magpie taking another 40 minutes to an hour to eat, and wow, I don't know how we did it. I'm so glad my sister has had an easier time of it. It's lovely to see her just getting to enjoy parenting, even this early on. She is so happy, which is just awesome.

Her new little guy is so cute, and it's adorable to see him and my sister together. It's also nice to feel like I know what I'm doing around a baby. I'm sending my sister and her husband out for a lunch alone today (their first time alone since giving birth). And I'll be making dinner for everyone tonight. It's nice to be here and to be useful.

In the meantime, I'm mostly trying not to think about my own limbo pregnancy. I was fearful on the flight here, as I was cramping quite a bit, and worried I was going to miscarry while on this visit with my sister, which would be awful on multiple levels. As soon as we landed, the cramping subsided and hasn't returned. There's been no spotting. So I'm not dwelling on it. We will see what we see on the ultrasound on Monday. I remain not very hopeful, but I'm certainly open to being proven wrong!

Mo

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Trying to read the tea leaves

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 11:38:00 +0000

Bear with me, folks. I realize this is tedious to anyone but me.

This morning, I used one of two precious remaining HPTs today, just to see where things are at.

And it's not looking very hopeful to me.

But not an obvious definitive no either.

Here's this morning's test.

It does not look discernibly darker to me than the last one.

If anything it looks perhaps lighter? But hard to tell.

Also for comparison, here's an hpt from failed pregnancy #6, at approximately the same dates. So THAT looks markedly different.

It's not over until it's over, but boy it's looking kind of over to me.

Mo

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Hanging out in pregnancy limbo, 7w2d

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 11:48:00 +0000

Welcome to pregnancy limbo. Where you're pregnant, maybe, sort of. I mean definitely pregnant, but probably not in any kind of lasting way.

Sigh.

Emotionally, I'm detached from the outcome at this point. I'm allowing myself to imagine the possibility that this could turn around, but I'm basically resigned to the idea that it almost certainly won't. Physically, I'm doing all the things to support the pregnancy: PIO daily, endometrin suppositories, estrogen suppositories, prenatals, prednisone, etc, which I guess is the most important part.

Interestingly, Will seems to still be very hopeful. I was packing up some of Magpie's baby toys to take to see my sister and her new baby, and Will said, "You know, it seems like we might be needing that stuff ourselves pretty soon." Which surprised me. Because all I'm thinking I'll need is a box of tissues to wipe my tears when we find out shortly this is over.

I called another clinic here locally that is more open about use of donor eggs (agency and in-house, egg banks, etc.) than our local NYC clinic. We have an appointment there on November 16. When I mentioned that I wanted to set that appointment up, Will advised we just do one thing at a time. But I know for me that if I wait until this gets called over, and then I can't get an appointment until January, and then everything will take 6-8 months or so to line up after that, I will not be a happy camper. So I went ahead and booked it. I don't even know if we'll want to go that route. Maybe we should just say we tried and it wasn't meant to be? We have Magpie after all, and maybe that's enough? Maybe using donor eggs after having our genetic child is trying too hard? (I wouldn't think that about anyone else). I know now that I would have no problem loving a donor egg child just the same as Magpie, or, you know, differently, since they will be their own selves but equally fiercely.

Magpie was struck down by her first preschool illness starting this weekend. She sounds croupy, has a painful throat, has had a fever of 103 (although it seemed lower last night). She has just been a poor little miserable girl. I took her to the pedi yesterday and she tested negative for strep, so that was a relief. So no school yesterday or today. Imagining she'll be well enough to return to school tomorrow. Hoping that she won't be sick on a weekly basis, but I'm guessing that more frequent illness will be part of the learning curve as she starts school. Prior to her illness, she was loving school and doing great with the separation thing. Hoping this brief absence won't set us back too far with her adjustment to the new routine.

I have two pee sticks left to get through to Monday with, so won't do any more home testing until later in the week. I fully expect the lines to be getting lighter by that point, but we will see.

So that's all from limbo-land. I hope you are all doing well.

Mo

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Yesterday's bloodwork results, 6w4d

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 21:21:00 +0000

Local RE's nurse just called with bloodwork results from yesterday.

Beta HCG = 3,451
Estrogen = 1,299
Progesterone = 70.2

So the beta is still increasing. I think rate of rise doesn't matter so much now that we've seen ultrasonic evidence of the pregnancy, and I know it slows after week 5, so I'm going to try not to worry too much that it isn't higher.

Of course, if it were much higher and we weren't seeing the embryo on ultrasound, that would be terrible, so maybe I think the beta is exactly where I'd like it to be. I dunno.

And the progesterone is wowza. I've been giving myself 1.5cc of PIO per day plus 3 endometrin suppositories, and seems that my body is really taking it up.

Who knows what all this means. The local nurse thinks the level being this high means that the pregnancy is starting to produce some of its own progesterone now, which would be a potentially good sign.

The Denver nurse thinks that the estrogen and progesterone being so high are good prognostic signs that "something is going on in there." And she says that she has seen other FET cases where things were measuring 5-7 days behind at this point and turned out ok.

I didn't ask how many times, but it's something.

Mo

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Rolls Royce ultrasound at 6w5d

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 14:57:00 +0000

We were fit in today for an early morning ultrasound with a higher definition machine. Thankfully.

The resolution was so much better.

The OB radiologist said he saw what he would expect to see with a sac this size. He clearly visualized a yolk sac, and said the gestational sac is measuring about a week behind, but that this doesn't trouble him significantly because frozen transfers can be behind (not sure they can be a week behind, but I wasn't going to quibble with him).

6w5d ultrasound of uncertain viability-
The little speck in the middle is the top of the yolk sac,
which was clearly visualized but not showing up so great in this picture.

Looking at the picture, it's hard to believe that there's a yolk sac there, but two radiologists and an ultrasonographer concurred that it was definitely there, and obvious to them across multiple images. This particular area of the hospital doesn't have the monitors set up for patients to see (no extra monitors, no printing capability). so this is just an iphone image one of the doctors took for me of one of the images.

The OB radiologist said not to come back this Tuesday - that it is too early to see much change. So I am scheduled to return a week from Monday, on October 5th.

It seems a lifetime from now, but if there's going to be cardiac activity, we should see it by that point.

I was thrilled that there was a yolk sac. I thought we weren't even going to make it to that stage. I don't know what to make of the fact that everything is measuring small. But it's premature to call this over yet, and so we will wait.

I woke up at dawn this morning feeling very detached from my life, like I was at a great distance looking at my family, career, the whole of my existence. It wasn't unpleasant, more peaceful to see things from a remove. That sense has passed as I've gotten whipped into the various tasks of the day, but it was an interesting experience.

Not sure how I'll survive the long wait until October 5th. And I'm not feeling very hopeful, if I'm being honest. But I do like that either way, we'll have a better sense of where things stand by that next ultrasound.

For now, more waiting, as I attempt to hang onto my sanity.

Mo

PS - anyone ever seen a pregnancy this far off course successfully turn around? I would welcome ANY positive stories at this point. Thanks.

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Maybe, part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Sep 2015 19:51:00 +0000

The ultrasound was inconclusive.

The RE couldn't see an embryo. He looked for a long time, he kept thinking maybe, but he ultimately decided that no, wasn't seeing anything that was for certain. He said the sac looked "good," "fine," although again he didn't measure it.

6w4d ultrasound

It is such a shame that the equipment at his office is so crappy.

Bad equipment or not, I am having a really bad feeling about this. It looks an awful lot to me like FET#1, from the low initial beta to the small indeterminate sac. And you remember how that turned out.

I really don't pray and am not religious at all, but I had asked God back at the time of the transfer to please have mercy on us and if the outcome wasn't going to be good, to just please not string us along. My faulty logic makes me hope then that maybe it will work out? I asked so earnestly not to be in the awfulness of pregnancy limbo and then left in grief again. Or maybe we don't get to make requests of God like that.

We are scheduled to see someone in OB imaging, who has a Rolls Royce version of an ultrasound, on Tuesday. I will be 7 weeks, 2 days at that point. Not sure if no heartbeat then is game over or not, but I think there should be a heartbeat by then if there's going to be.

Will is trying to see if maybe I could get seen earlier, earlier as in tomorrow. If we still can't see anything, it's not a definitive no go at that point, but I think he's hoping I'll get good news and not have to be tortured all weekend. It's a nice thought.

I asked the RE what the odds are given what we're seeing (and not seeing), and whether he'd say things look ominous.

"Not yet," he said. "I'd say it's 50/50."

I guess I'll take it, and hope for the best.

Mo

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Maybe

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Sep 2015 12:23:00 +0000

27dp5dt - test line getting darker than the control

Six weeks, four days.

Ultrasound later today. Hoping to see the flicker of a heartbeat.

Scared.

Hopeful.

Seems like maybe, just maybe...

First off to preschool (sitting in the hallway today, rather than the classroom. Separating a little bit at a time!) and then RE appointment later.

We shall see.

Mo

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6w2d

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Sep 2015 13:29:00 +0000

I'm trying to stay sane waiting for Thursday's ultrasound. Almost don't want to get the Thursday ultrasound because I'm so worried it will be bad news. Or even worse, indeterminate news. Worried that my RE's crappy machine, plus me being potentially two days behind developmentally (the RE said he finds many FET pregnancies are), may mean we see no heart beat, and won't know what that means. And then of course my local RE leaves town the next day for over a week. Hopefully we'll see something definitive either way. Hopefully.

This morning I woke up and my belly felt flat, where I've been feeling very bloated. Had to choose not to pay attention to that. Choose not to overinterpret. In general, I'm trying hard to not attend to pregnancy "symptoms" or lack thereof. Unfortunately, nothing is very reassuring right now. It seems like everything can be attributed to the meds. I did a quick google search to remind myself that there is an enormous range of "symptoms" at this point, with no symptoms being quite common, and others reporting some. The fact that this is an FET versus a natural pregnancy mucks up the interpretation of any symptoms I think, since I'm on a boatload of drugs.

Yesterday, I think I forgot one or two doses of my estrogen vaginal pill (estrace, which I take 3 times a day). Yikes! Hoping that didn't doom anything. My estrogen has been around 1,100 to 1,200. So I'm hoping that even if I forgot those doses, it couldn't have crashed below 300 in that span of time. Any scientific types reading? I could use some reassurance about this.

Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. Not the Mo and Will kind of pregnant I actually am, where loss seems imminent, but the kind of pregnant where you know you're going to have a child. I was making lists of names for the baby. All girls names. And then realized that maybe it's a boy. So made a list of boy's names. I think this is my first pregnancy dream this time around. Nice at least for a dream to have a feeling of confidence.

I peed on one more stick yesterday, just to try to tide myself over until later in the week. Yesterday's hpt is on the bottom, compared to one a few days prior to that. Who knows what the darkness of the lines means in terms of how things are progressing.

No doubt about it, though, it does appear that I am still pregnant.

Two more days to an ultrasound that will hopefully show cardiac activity.

Oh, please! If we can only get there, that would feel like an enormous milestone.

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First day of preschool

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 21 Sep 2015 19:30:00 +0000

Magpie's first day of preschool was today, and she did great!

It was a short day today - only an hour, and they broke up the class into two small groups so the kids could begin to warm up to the teachers and room and routine.

They had free play for 30 minutes, then hand washing and snack (teddy grahams), then story time (Goodnight Moon).

It was fun to watch her take it all in. She loved her cubby, and the fish tank, and the playdough, and bead stringing. She hasn't yet noticed the super lifelike baby dolls with their own crib or the fully stocked kids kitchen yet. I think she will be thrilled when she does.

Her school has a very gradual separation process, so I was there the whole time in the classroom, sitting on the sidelines, quietly cheering her on. I'll be spending the rest of the week with her as well, possibly sitting in the hall later this week, sitting in a room in another location on the premises Friday and if she's doing well, leaving her for the first time next Monday.

What an amazing milestone - my little one is starting school!

Can't believe the time has passed so quickly. Magpie is growing up before my eyes.

My attention was almost 100% on Magpie, but I was also aware at times that maybe, just maybe, Magpie's sibling is just now taking hold inside of me. Very hard to really entertain that thought for longer than a moment, but it is there.

Excited and ready to walk out the door

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A digest of loss: the stories we tell ourselves

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 20 Sep 2015 13:48:00 +0000

I'm sitting here today, exactly 6 weeks pregnant.

It is a great place to be. It is a terrifying place to be.

I'm on 20mg of prednisone, so I have moderate insomnia, giving lots of chances to think in the wee hours of the morning. And one of the things that I have thought about is our prior pregnancies and losses.

Here's the digest version:

IVF fresh transfer pregnancy: Loss at 8.5 weeks after seeing heartbeat. Turned out to be trisomy 21 and monosomy x.
Natural pregnancy: Loss at 7.5 weeks. No heartbeat. Dilated yolk sac and no fetal pole. Presumed chromosomal abnormality. Couldn't confirm, because lab erroneously discarded tissue from D&C without testing.
Natural pregnancy: Chemical pregnancy
IVF fresh transfer: Chemical pregnancy
Natural pregnancy: Loss at 9.5 weeks after seeing heartbeat. Turned out to be triploidy xxx.
FET #1 pregnancy: Loss at 7.5 weeks, no heartbeat found. Chromosomally normal boy.
FET #2: Magpie!
Natural pregnancy: Chemical pregnancy.
FET #3: In progress!

When I try to make sense of this history, it seems we've had a lot of chromosomal loss, and probably also implantation issues (four out of five IVFs at my first clinic ended in no pregnancy or a chemical, despite transfering up to 5 embryos at a time).

I'm at peace with all that. Mostly. It's water under the bridge.

The pregnancy loss that keeps me up at night is pregnancy #6, our chromosomally normal little boy. This one looks a lot numbers-wise like the pregnancy I am carrying now, which scares me. The numbers are distinctly different (most noticably the low start) than Magpie's numbers were.

But pregnancy #6 was also the first loss that we know was chromosomally normal. I know a lot more than chromosomes go into making a living baby. but it's hard not to wonder.

During that pregnancy, at just about this time, I had to fly internationally, lift heavy luggage over my head into the overhead, and then give a keynote talk to a ballroom full of academics (yikes). Just after arriving at the conference, I started cramping and spotting. And when I got home, a small subchorionic hemmorage was found, but no heartbeat. In the back of my mind, I've always wondered if the lifting I had to do at the airport, and on the plane, doomed the pregnancy. One wouldn't think that would cause a miscarriage, but I was on lovenox, and well, who knows.

Mostly I've told myself that it doesn't matter; what ever happened happened. But now I found myself with this doppelganger pregnancy. Our last chance.

This time I've tried to be especially careful not to lift anything. I've been mostly successful, with the one exception being when Magpie fell off our bed this week while Will was away (we co-slept, since I can't lift her into her crib). I awoke to a giant crash onto the hardwood floor, following by Magpie's howling piercing the darkness. And before I even knew what I was doing, I'd run to Will's side of the bed and hoisted her into my arms. I was back over on my side of the bed comforting her before it even dawned on me. . . I'd lifted her, all 27ish pounds of her.

Probably ok, but ugh. I spent the next couple of hours staring at the ceiling, worrying about it.

I've been wanting to fly to see my sister and her brand new baby. But I'm scared to fly and handle my luggage at this delicate time in the pregnancy. Then I get annoyed at myself because the most likely outcome it seems to me is that this is going to result in another miscarriage (that's what typically happens for me, isn't it?), so I shouldn't have to suffer that loss and also miss out on being a support my sister.

Just wishing we could either find out this is over or get onto more solid pregnancy ground.

These early pregnancy days are not for the fainthearted.

Mo

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5w5d ultrasound

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Sep 2015 17:11:00 +0000

So it is not much to look at, but there is a sac. My local RE's machines aren't that good, and this is an iphone photo of the scan, but there it is, in all its glory - a gestational sac. In the uterus, so that's good (as opposed to a fallopian tube).

The sac is too small (and equipment too poor) to see if there's a yolk sac or fetal pole, but there could be.

Quote from the RE: "You're still in the game."

I told him the initial beta had been low and the initial doubling slow. "I know," he said. "I've been watching."

We talked for awhile about that initial slow doubling and the low beta and prognosis.

He said he has unpublished data that FET betas and embryo development typically lag two days behind fresh transfers. And that he was just talking with a colleague who's a beta expert that betas and their rise don't matter as much as everyone tends to think, and that the true threshold is probably around 50% rise, not 66% (and mine was 70%, so above both those thresholds).

So maybe this could be ok.

I am not going to get my hopes up, but I'm not throwing in the towel either.

We will see what next week's scan brings. With any luck, there will be the tiny flickering of a little heart.

Hoping. With everything I have.

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Inside the mind of a habitual aborter at 20dp5dt

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 11:24:00 +0000

Welcome inside the mind of someone who has had seven losses, one wondrous daughter, and now finds herself amazingly, fortunately, luckily, pregnant again.

It's a tricky place.

I'm trying to balance in the place that all could be ok. Not to start to think it is ok and get my hopes way up, but not to fall into the chasm that it's hopeless and doomed either. Just stay the middle path.

The history of losses makes it hard. In particular, our first FET, with three chromosomally normal blasts, which looked remarkably similar to this pregnancy (low initial beta, good doubling), ended in disaster. That particular piece of history is hard not to gnaw on in my mind.

I remind myself that we're doing IVIG this time, and I've gone gluten free, and perhaps started the lovenox earlier (although I honestly can't remember), and I think I'm on a higher dose of prednisone this time, for whatever that's worth. I remind myself that that experience was that experience and this one is its own. That was those blastocysts. This time could be different. It all might be ok (might not too).

Thanks for your thoughts on the ultrasound. I had decided not to do it, then started to waffle a bit yesterday. After your comments, in particular Gwinne's about the vanishing twin, and anonymous at 1:32PM, reminding me that more information could possibly be helpful, I scheduled one for Friday (God help me). Of course, the other comments were persuasive too, but by then I'd scheduled it. We'll see if I actually go. I know there's no heartbeat to see at this stage, but I also know I (and the RE) will be looking at the ultrasound trying to read the tea leaves on things that are too tiny to see. Most specifically, is there a yolk sac? Is there a REAL yolk sac? (we've been told things were yolk sacs before that in hindsight seem a bit specious).

I took another giant leap of faith yesterday and scheduled a first prenatal appointment with my wonderful OB. Scheduled for Oct. 5. A lifetime from now, but really not so long. That would be amazing if we were still pregnant then...that would be the beginning of the eighth week. Hard to imagine, but I knew she'd be booked if I didn't get on the schedule now. Very scary to schedule that. But I did it.

See below, today's pee stick on the bottom. Nice and dark. There's definitely something going on!

It looks as good as it could, and is so reassuring, but guarantees nothing. (And of then of course if I look back at FET #1's stick around this day, it looks almost identical. Ugh!)

But I just keep reminding myself that it could be ok.

That these embryos either have what it takes or they don't.

That I've done and continue to do all that I know to do.

That this time, I know in a way I never did before that it could work out (Magpie is here after all).

My job now is to try to enjoy this part as much as possible. "Enjoy" seems rather the wrong word. Honor this time? That's closer. This pregnancy is a great privilege, and I feel that through my entire being.

For now, we are pregnant again, for the ninth time, hanging on for dear life. Who ever would have thought we'd even have a chance again?

Mo

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Sister news and IVIG and preschool, Oh my!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 Sep 2015 16:51:00 +0000

My sister had her baby last week! A healthy baby boy. Very excited for her, and really looking forward to flying to see her next weekend and meeting my new nephew! It is so great that my sister was able to have him with no intervention. She had generously offered her eggs to us back before we were successful with conceiving Magpie and we had her evaluated by the Denver clinic. Unfortunately, several years ago at age 31, she had few follicles, and a shockingly low AMH of 0.19. She was counseled to try to have a baby immediately if she wanted children, but wasn't in the right space to do so until last year. Turns out, no intervention needed. She had one miscarriage and then naturally conceived her son! So that's just wonderful all around, and especially wonderful that she won't have to travel some of the awful roads we've been down to try to have a family.

Magpie starts preschool next week! Well, actually we both do. According to the parent handbook, I'm expected to remain with her all week (the last day, I am allowed to be elsewhere in the building but still on the premises if she's doing well). She's going to the most normal little neighborhood preschool we could find in Manhattan. Play-based, developmentally focused. The whole idea is for her to have a nice, loving introduction to separation and school. So fingers crossed she has a good transition. Exciting things ahead for my little one. I think once she adjusts, she will love school.

I underwent IVIG #2 last night. I had a nurse come to the house, and it went OK again. Not sure why these two treatments have gone so much easier than my treatments when I was pregnant with Magpie, but so far, aside from the time (it takes 4+ hours to get the infusion), the crazy expense, and feeling a little bit wonky, no sweat! Thank god, because I'm one of the trainers in a two-day training today and tomorrow. So super glad I'm not really sick. Hopefully this IVIG helps this little embryo stick around. Please?

Will is away at a conference in Florida until Saturday, which is kinda stinky since I can't lift Magpie. Last night, since I was tethered to an IV pole for IVIG #2 until 1045PM, Magpie's caregiver put her to sleep in her crib. She awoke promptly at 645AM, so we lined her crib with stuffed animals and she read books to them (caregiver comes at 8AM). Was kinda cute. She seems to have accepted by now that Mama is just not able to pick her up, so she didn't get upset and we just hung out together in her room with her in the crib and me in the rocking chair. For the rest of the week until Will returns on Saturday, we will co-sleep, which will be pretty sweet, except for all the toddler elbows and feet and knees (how do all those body parts always end up in my face?!).

I chose not to test with an HPT this morning, although I thought about it. I could go in Friday for an ultrasound to see if there's a gestational sac in the uterus, which is what my local clinic usually does this week. Not sure if I want to. Would you go? Or just wait? Figure that until there's a heartbeat to see, whatever we see won't make me feel truly reassured in any way. But what would you do?

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17dp5dt beta results

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 17:52:00 +0000

Beta results are in early today!

Beta HCG = 714

Estrogen = 1,478

Progesterone = 21

Really happy with this! We are doubling faster than every two days now, every 1.7 days or every 41.56 hours from the prior level of 144 on Thursday.

Progesterone isn't great, but it's not critically low. I can get out around 3pm to pick up more and will find a bathroom to do an on the spot injection.

Oh, maybe maybe maybe this could turn out to be a viable pregnancy (oh please!). I feel so fortunate to have even the possibility of this chance.

Mo

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17dp5dt

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 13:27:00 +0000

I am waiting at my local clinic to get blood drawn to check hormone levels and to hopefully sneak in another beta hcg before IVIG #2, which is scheduled for tomorrow.

I'm feeling....all over the place. Hopeful, hopeless, accepting, frantic. It changes, depending on the moment.

I'm having a small meds crisis too. Ran completely out now of both kinds of progesterone (akk!), so hopefully can get an emergency delivery of PIO and the suppositories today. So on top of my usual fears are the fears that because I didn't stay on top of this better, I'm risking the pregnancy in that way. Sigh.

I did manage to stay distracted and busy all weekend (so busy I didn't notice my meds issue!) and I think that was a good short-term strategy. This whole early pregnancy business involves just a ton of not knowing and tolerating uncertainty. Pregnancy in general, but this part especially.

Here's this morning's HPT (Dora, note how carefully I have tried to avoid the word P-E-E, so that you can see my blog from work?!).

I think it looks ok. Darker, I think. Certainly not lighter. We will see what the numbers look like, hopefully later today (but please local clinic, not TOO much later! Hoping that progesterone AND beta look ok. Unusual for me to be worried on both fronts.)

Thank you all again for your thoughts and words during this early time. IVF vet or not, this part of the process is harrowing for me.

Mo

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15dpt5dt hpt reassurance

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Sep 2015 12:52:00 +0000

Yesterday felt fairly symptomless and by the end of the day I was fearing the pregnancy was over.

Sigh.

It is hard to hold on to good news for long.

So this morning I allowed myself another HPT.

It doesn't look dramatically darker than two days ago. But maybe it's a bit darker? This is also not first morning uring (FMU). I woke at 1:15AM and couldn't hold it any longer, so this is more middle of the night urine than anything (MOTNU).

The darker or not part is hard to tell, but the line certainly isn't gone. So that's something.

My goal this weekend is to think about this pregnancy as little as possible (ha!)

We'll see what next week brings. I will probably test again on Monday. Especially because right now, the plan is to get my second IVIG treatment on Tuesday afternoon. Definitely would rather skip the big expense and suffering if the pregnancy levels are not progressing.

God, I hope the pregnancy is progressing though. Hoping with everything I have.

Mo

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