Life and Love in the Petri Dish

Sundays of grace #24

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 15:39:00 +0000

1. It's been winter for so long it seems, and now - seemingly out of nowhere - it is full on springtime. Green grass and crocuses and daffodils blooming. A warm breeze and sunshine, people lazing about in the park, reading on the grass, no coats, no jackets even. How did that happen? An amazing transformation.

2. Hope. It has been in such short supply since August, when we lost our fifth pregnancy. Even doing this latest IVF cycle, I had to drag myself through the motions of the stimulation, the monitoring, unable to believe that anything could go right. And fearing that if my heart was so damaged that I had no hope, it couldn't possibly turn out ok. And yet. We had a great retrieval. And somehow the Denver lab has made us so many blasts to test with microarray that I can hardly believe it. And there it is...hope, creeping timidly in, that maybe, just maybe, we could have a family. Hope, you terrify me. And I feel so fortunate to see you again.

3. Will has so much going on - his father is sick, his work is ridiculously stressful right now - and yet he not only physically showed up to do his part to make all this a success, he's been consistently emotionally showing up as well, standing beside me, with me. Making me believe that together we can get through anything. Being present, even when it is hard to do. What a gift. Thank you, Will. I am so grateful for your courage. For your presence here beside me.

Mo

Surprise blast update - You are NOT going to believe this!

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 19:25:00 +0000

Yup, you read it here first.

Somehow, the miracle workers in Denver managed to cajole, nurture, nudge three more of our embryos to blast stage. One is one of the "late bloomers," which was fertilized a day late with day 2 ICSI and the other two ("other two," what more magical words are there?) managed to come from behind and perform a marvelous catch up to reach blast stage on day 7 (one of them - OMG - even hatched overnight).

These guys are a 4AA (the Day 6 one - that we used in vitro maturation on and day 2 ICSI on), a 4AB (Day 7), and a 6BB (also Day 7 - the hatched one). On Day 3, these guys were, respectively, an 8-cell (grade 4 minus), an 8-celled (grade 3 plus), and a 8-celled (grade 4).

They are still watching the New York Six, who, sorry to say folks, are not faring so well (there is only one 8-celled embryo, the rest are far, far behind). Monday will be the day to biopsy these guys, if any of them pull through.

But in the meantime, we somehow went from a respectable four blastocysts to an incredible SEVEN BLASTS overnight!

The Denver Lab Rocks, I tell you. Seriously. And remember, we've been at the #2 clinic all this time. But this, this is unlike anything we've seen across five cycles.

Pinch me. I must be dreaming. I am just shocked.

I can't wait to tell Will. He's going to think I've gone delusional on him. He better return the page I sent!

WE HAVE SEVEN!!! WE HAVE SEVEN!!! Shouting from the rooftops!

An interlude of comic relief, brought to you by Hallmark Rejects: the clothing line

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 15:03:00 +0000

Springtime has meant the shedding of coats around New York City, and specific to me, around the hospital where I work.

And it appears that while *I* have been scarfing down cheeseburgers, a large percentage of the rest of the female population has been...successfully conceiving. You can hide a lot of belly under a winter coat, I tell you.

So, for those of you in the same boat as me, I present the following t-shirt. Everyone else in the elevator except you pregnant? Sense people looking surreptitously at your stomach to see whether maybe you too are in the club?

Well, now you can just unzip your jacket and answer.

All without having to say a word.

Blasts and frozens news at last

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:10:00 +0000

So I finally heard from the embryology lab (drum roll please!!).

And the news is good - not great- but good. I'm not completely thrilled, but not devastated either (Note to self: Mo, don't get greedy!).

Generally, Denver quotes that approximately 50% of blastocysts are normal in my age range, but then again, they quoted that 50% of embryos get to blast in their lab and, well, our results are more like 25%. And we know that no one at the Denver clinic is expecting our embryos to be typical of their usual patients in terms of aneuploidy.

But we do have enough blasts that maybe, just maybe, we could have one - or if the universe is really smiling - maybe even two that are normal. Please? Couldn't we please? We've paid our dues!

First off, the fresh Denver cycle:
We started with 19 eggs
16 fertilized
12 survived to day 3
so far out of that, we have 4 blasts, which have been biopsied.
There is 1 more they are watching (one of the "late bloomers") that might make it to biopsy tomorrow.

For the detail-minded among you, here is the grading on the blasts, along with their day 3 grading...

Blastocyst #1 Day 3: 8-cell (3 plus grade), Blast grading*: 4BB
Blastocyst #2 Day 3: 8-cell (3 plus grade), Blast grading*: 3BB
Blastocyst #3 Day 3: 8-cell (4 minus grade), Blast grading*: 4BB
Blastocyst #4 Day 3: 8-cell (4 minus grade), Blast grading*: 3AB

So the 9-celled we had at day 3 arrested, along with FIVE of the 8-celled ones we had. Yowza. Just goes to show how hard it is to figure out what is best on day 3, for us at least.

*For those curious about embryo and blast grading, I believe they use the following system for blasts, in which the first number is how expanded the blast is, the first letter is the grade of the inner cellular mass, and the second letter is the grade of the trophectoderm. Click here for the link to the day 3 grading.

From the New York frozens:
We started with 6 embryos frozen at the 2pn stage (day 1)
4 of them survived the thaw
Tomorrow will be day 3...

Seems that four is kind of the number of the day, doesn't it? I hope some of the New Yorkers make it, really, truly do...let's see, if we do the math, given that we started out with 16 fresh and got 4 blastocysts...well, that would mean maybe we'll get 1 blast out of the New York Six. We'll take that, Universe, we will! And be grateful!

In general am trying to focus on the gratitude. If I didn't know we started with 19 eggs and 16 embryos, I'd be pretty damn happy. So maybe that's what I need to stay focused on. The petri dish is half full! Not half empty! Four is not zero. Four is WAY more than zero. It's enough that maybe there could be a living child in there. Maybe. Just maybe.

A small part of me feels that, geesh, this is a lot of effort for a few blasts! But if there's one baby in there, it will all have been worth it.

Mo, just keep repeating to yourself, Four is not zero. The petri dish is half full. Four is not zero. The petri dish is half full... A new mantra.

Stay tuned. Day three results on the New York Six coming tomorrow...

In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the turnout. Would you be happy with results like this? Mildly disappointed? Thrilled? Chime in. I'm all ears.

Jumping out of my skin

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:22:00 +0000

I am so nervous today.

Dreams all night that we got no blastocysts. That we got two blastocysts. That they lost the blastocysts. Keep replaying what the embryologist said yesterday in my mind...trying to find more information in the words, like they are some sort of ancient rune or something.

She said yesterday there were two early blasts, but too early to grade or biopsy and that there were a few more even earlier stage (grade 1 and 2 or something, which I think means meansy, weensy, baby blasts?). And a couple of morulas in addition. Basically, she said we'll get between two and eight blastocysts (between TWO and EIGHT? That's um, a big range!). "But really, you won't get eight." Akkk! Then why even mention the number eight?

Meanwhile, have been willing the New York Six to stay alive through the thaw and keep on growing. Will find out how many of them remain today as well.

It's only 7:30AM in Denver, so no news yet...

I have a patient coming in momentarily and then will be attending (but probably not listening attentively to) psychology grand rounds at the hospital.

After that, you can just betcha I'll be calling the embryology lab, if I haven't received a message from them yet.

If only sheer will could make embryos divide fast and properly, you know?

More to come.

Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.

The New York Six have arrived!

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 19:50:00 +0000

And are safely tucked into the Lonetree lab. Phew! That's a relief. They are just now preparing for their thaw, according to the embryologist I spoke to.

It's going to be a shocker, Embryos, but we hope that you manage to stay with us. We're nice. We promise. You'll see.

Tomorrow is a big news day - we will receive information on how many of the Denver Sixteen made it to blast and how many of the New York Six survived the thaw.

Hopeful. Scared. Hopeful. Scared. Hopeful. Scared. Hopeful.

Somewhere over the night sky

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 03:59:00 +0000

Somewhere over the night sky tonight, our New York embryos are flying, all six of them winging their way toward Denver, to meet their Western siblings.

Will and I have joked that these frozen six, being New Yorkers, are likely to be much crankier and more prone to irritation than the Denver Sixteen, their Colorado brethren, surrounded by friendly staff and beautiful mountains in the peaceful lab at Lone Tree.

We hope that the East Coast embryos and the Rocky Mountain embryos will all get along, that they will play nicely in the petri dish. We wish for them to grow together for now, and if we are lucky (oh, please, for once let us be lucky!) grow later inside of me and even later outside of me in our home.

Be safe, New York Six, and fly high. We will be checking in on you tomorrow to be sure you arrived safely.

Mo

Update on the Denver Sixteen, and a decision made

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 20:48:00 +0000

We talked to the head embryologist today to get the Day 3 update on the Denver Sixteen. And generally, they seem to be doing pretty well.

The embryologist said we want to see at least six cells for the Day 3 embryos and at least three cells on our late bloomers, the Day 2 embryos.

So, of the original 13, we have:

9 eight cell embryos

1 nine cell embryo

and then some that are probably no longer with us:

2 two cell embryos

1 three cell embryo

Of the 3 late fertilizers, which are basically on Day 2, we have:

1 three cell embryo

1 four cell embryo

and 1 one cell embryo (so, not dividing)

So there are still 12 embryos in the running for blastocyst. Whoo hoo!

I am so, so hoping we have a good number make it to biopsy.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts re: whether to send the NYC embryos to Denver for biopsy or not. I was surprised that almost all of you agree with Will that they should be sent and biopsied.

After much thought (and a little surrendering), I have agreed to take the embryo plunge. Paperwork is signed and notorized at both clinics, metal mushroom has been shipped from Denver, and tomorrow, our six NYC embryos will begin their journey westward, arriving in Denver Wednesday.

Fed Ex, Please be careful with our precious cargo!!!

Stay tuned, more updates to follow.

In vitro maturation news...and what would you do?

noreply@blogger.com (Will and Mo) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 18:42:00 +0000

More good news!!!

We received a surprise call from the embryology lab this morning. They've kept an eye on our five "immature" oocytes, hoping to mature them in the lab. Turns out three of them matured and when they attempted day 2 ICSI on those, all three fertilized!!!!

In vitro maturation is something our NYC lab doesn't offer and was one of many draws for trekking out to Colorado.

So the total yield stands as follows:

19 eggs retrieved

14 mature

13 fertilized with ICSI

3 more matured in vitro overnight

and all three of those fertilized with day 2 ICSI!

So the grand total is 16 embryos culturing at the Denver lab right now.

Wahooo!

We are hoping hoping hoping that we'll get a good number of blastocysts out of this that can be biopsied using microarray and that maybe, just maybe there is at least one chromosomally normal one in there. Please!

Amidst this fantastic news, we are faced with one remaining decision, and it is a doozy.

We are trying to decide whether to send the frozen embryos we have in NYC to Denver to culture and biopsy as well. We have six embryos slow frozen at the 2pn stage (so very, very early Day 1 embryos). We have been strongly considering sending them to the Denver clinic, thawing, culturing to blast, and adding whatever we get to the blasts we have from this fresh IVF cycle for biopsy. That way, we will know if we have any normal embryos, rather than just taking the risk and transferring a bunch of unknowns.

Will is more in favor of sending the embryos to Denver than I am. I worry about the potential damage of transporting them, thawing and then culturing to blast and then biopsying and then refreezing (with vitrification) and thawing them again later (assuming there is a normal one or two). We could alternately just throw them all in in an FET in NYC in the future and see what happens. Will, justifiably so, doesn't want to sign up for any more miscarriages. I don't either, but am afraid of losing a normal embryo to attrition due to all this monkeying around. These embryos, by the way, are from IVF #2, when I was 36. Not that I had a great track record at that point either, but it's worth noting. We have to decide in the next day or so so that the NY six could join the Denver 16. If we do them separately, we'll owe an additional $6,000 for separate microarray and PGS. No thank you to that!

So the question of the day is, what would you do? A blind FET in NYC or sending the six to Denver to be added to the microarray pot?

Denver fertilization report

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 01:09:00 +0000

As you know, 19 eggs were retrieved yesterday. Of those, 14 were mature and 13 of those fertilized using ICSI. Not bad!

I asked whether they could continue to grow out the five that were immature and was surprised when the embryologist said they didn't usually do that in cases where there were so many embryos to choose from. I was under the impression the Denver clinic always tried to use invitro maturation for the immature oocytes. I tried to explain our situation - that we tend to have a number of embryos to begin with but with 45ish embryos created and 14 embryos and blasts transferred over five cycles, we still had no child to show for it. I asked if they could please - pretty please! - keep an eye on the remaining five and see if anything could be salvaged. He said they would.

So we have a baker's dozen going at this point. They will call again Monday to let us know how things are looking...

Will and I are trying not to get too hopeful because we've been disappointed so many times.

But so far, so good...

Please, Universe, let the good news continue!

Denver egg retrieval

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 21:55:00 +0000

We are retrieved! We are so relieved!

And the process wasn't bad at all. It was such a more humane experience than our NYC clinic - Will kept remarking that the stress of it all is so much less here, and I agree. Maybe that is part of Denver's secret to awesome stats. Everything from the facility itself to the people to the procedures was just orderly, calm, friendly. Didn't have to fight for pain control. Didn't feel like just a number. Seriously. So nice to do IVF this way. We haven't known what we've been missing.

And most importantly, we are very happy with the yield:

Nineteen. Ooh yeah, baby!!!!! Can you believe it? Hard for me to, honestly.

Probably not all mature, but an incredible number to start with. Not too shabby for 38 year old post-chemotherapy ovaries, if I say so myself!

The head embryologist came out and talked to us (!) and let us know he will be in touch with us as the process continues. We have six embryos at the New York City clinic, frozen at the 2pn stage that we are going to have join the cohort out here. They will be ICSI'ing this latest bunch o' oocytes and then culturing to blast and doing FISH as well as microarray to look for polyploidy and aneuploidy. I'll write more about this later. For now back to bed. To dream some very relieved dreams.

Here's hoping we get a good fert report tomorrow.

Thanks for all of the support and well wishes!

Triggered

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 05:28:00 +0000

Went in for ultrasound and bloodwork and things are...well, exploding...really.

Left Ovary: 22, 20, 20, 18, 18, 17, 14...and some smaller
Right Ovary: 17, 17, 17, 13, 11, 9...and some smaller

A slightly nervous moment came when the nurse called with the bloodwork results this afternoon and said, "Your estrogen level is 4,600. You need to come into the center now and get a centrotide shot to stop your estrogen level from skyrocketing."

Um, yeah. So I went in and got the shot. What's one more, really? They said everything will be ok, but that my eggs are really raring to go.

Trigger shot was tonight at 10:45 PM for a Friday morning retrieval.

Here we go!

Mo

Onward and upward? Meds increased again

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:53:00 +0000

Thanks for all of the support on making my concerns about the lowered meds dosage known to Dr. Schl. Really appreciated. It is very difficult to speak up to one's doctors and question (respectfully, of course) their decisions, make sure they are considering all the angles. I hate doing it. Your encouragement in that department made me feel much better about asking for more clarity about the dosage situation.

Consequently, the nurse called last night and they raised my dose of gonal f back up to 150 and kept the menopur at the reduced dosage of one vial. Not sure how this makes me feel - on the one hand, it makes me feel that my concerns were heard, on the other, it makes me feel that I need to keep an eye on how things are going because some of the details might get overlooked if I'm not attending to them myself. Blech. Not a great feeling, I have to say, but I keep telling myself that 75 ml v. 150 ml of gonal f isn't a big deal either way...right? (The nurse swore, btw, that they take doses up and down all the time and promised it won't affect egg quality - I was nervous b/c at my NYC clinic med doses only go down - never back up...but she says it's ok. Feel free to pipe in with any experience on this, please!)

In other news, yesterday's E2 continued to demonstrate a climb - from 1880 to 2434...today's results are pending.

Ultrasound results today weren't so elucidating - I think I got the tech who doesn't measure all the follicles - just the largest ones - and doesn't communicate what she sees so much. I have one that is 20mm, but a bunch that are smaller. I thought I'd be triggering when I had follicles reach 20mm, but I guess because there are a number of smaller ones they will be holding off. Part of me questions the accuracy of a follicle growing 5mm since yesterday. I'm secretly hoping the measurement is a bit inflated, but who knows.

I'm heading back to the clinic in an hour for an "IVF physical." I assume just to make sure I won't crash on the table or something. My NYC clinic doesn't do these.

Will arrives tomorrow and I'll take him straight from the airport to an hour and a half appointment with the genetic counselor to go over microarray and CCS details again and sign consents.

I'm really looking forward to Will being here. It is hard to do this by myself.

In the meantime, I'm telling myself to breathe.

To let the clinic doctors do their job.

To trust in the process.

Really, I am trying. But this is definitely not my strong suit. Can you tell?

Too much of a good thing?

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Things are rapidly changing...

After the ultrasound and bloodwork Saturday demonstrated a rather exuberant response from my ovaries, Dr. Schl. cut my gonal f in half, from 300 to 150.

He also ordered me to get another ultrasound and more bloodwork yesterday before catching my flight to Denver. And after the results of that came back, he cut my gonal f AGAIN from 150 to 75, and cut my menopur from 150 to 75.

While I know on the one hand this means that he's recognizing my body's robust response, I'm also fearing that he's backing off too much and we won't get the same yield we might have. Because, hey, I'm a medical expert! Oh wait, I'm not, but that doesn't seem to stop me from second guessing.

So now I feel that I'm barely on meds at all! I even had the - very brief - completely irrational thought that I could pretend I didn't remember to cut the dose back to 75. Had to talk myself out of that, because, Mo, that's crazy crazy thinking. You have a doctor. A, um, really good one. Listen to him...

I am so hoping he's remembering that this is our last ditch effort and no time to be conservative in terms of stimulation. He'd told us in person that the risk of hyperstim was very very low, no matter how aggressively we stim, since we'll be freezing everything.

I'm about to head over to the Denver clinic for my first morning monitoring and plan to seek some reassurance, assuming I get to talk to a nurse or doctor type person. Thinking maybe I'll get to see a nurse?

I'll keep you posted on what I learn. Hopefully I'll find out more information that will quell my anxiety.

**Update**
I spoke to the nurse and told her I was freaking out a bit about the meds changes. Got a little teary eyed, actually, which surprised me (unusual for me) and told her my fear that I was falling through the cracks and that Dr. Schl. had told us no risk of OHSS since we're a freeze all and could she be sure he remembers our specfic case situation and that this is our last hope (that's where I teared up). She heard it all and took it in and said she would speak to Dr. Schl. directly about it and be sure he's keeping all of this in mind.

Ultrasound results from today:
Right Ovary: 5 follicles: 15, 15, 14, 11, 9
Left Ovary: 11 follicles: 15, 15, 14, 13, 13, 13, 13, 11, two smaller ones

(E2 on Saturday was 1260, yesterday was 1880...not back from today yet)

Retrieval is now looking more like Thursday, since my stim is going like gangbusters (I'm on day 7 of stims, for those who asked, and yes, I used Saizen).

So...waiting for call from nurse about dosage instructions tonight. She said he might even have me go back up. Hmmm....never heard of that happening, have you?

The ovaries are gettin' busy

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 14:37:00 +0000

I went in for monitoring this morning and damn if there aren't 17 or so follicles of various sizes cooking away inside me. Only 7 were above 10 mm, but things are still quite early so hopefully, hopefully, we'll get a good number going.

Seeing the follicles developing on the ultrasound - and feeling them develop abdominally - does provide a momentary glimmer that maybe....just maybe...

But at the same time, it's still pretty hard to be hopeful. We've had about 45 embryos created before and, um, I don't see a baby, do you? Maybe I misplaced it somewhere...

Going through all this, and not feeling very hopeful tends to make me feel somewhat guilty and confused. If I don't think it can work, then why are we going through this? What, we didn't have any thing else to do with $30k? Hmm... Obviously not. We couldn't find a different hobby? No.... Denver seemed like the best place to spend a week off from work? ...Nope. So we must have some hope, but it is so tenuous and the fear is so much bigger than our fragile hope.

And alongside all these thoughts and feelings exists another tiny nagging fear: that if my head isn't in the right place, maybe my ovaries won't be either. (We call this magical thinking in psychology, but labeling it doesn't always make it disappear.)

I received an email from Dora of My Preconceived Notion with just the perfect sentiment: "Your ovaries don't give a crap whether you're feeling hopeful or not. They're just busy gobbling up those FSH shots."

Gobble away, ovaries! Please disregard the fearful being you're housed inside. And fearful being, let's try to entertain the possibility - just the slightest possibility - that maybe this could work. And that if not, somehow Will and you will be ok.

I leave for Denver tomorrow. Will will join me out there on Wednesday. Retrieval is very tentatively scheduled for a week from tomorrow.

Stay tuned. And thanks as always for your support.

Lupron on board

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 04:59:00 +0000

As of this morning, we've begun.

Microdose lupron is on board. Tonight this beginning will be augmented with more lupron, plus some saizen and some dexamethasone just to round things out.

God help Will over the next week before I leave for Colorado. I pretty much hate taking lupron - and poor husband beware! The idea of combining the dreaded lupron with steroids sounds downright awful for anyone who has to be around me, since I'm a fairly high anxiety person as it is. Oh well. It's only for the next couple of weeks, right? And maybe, just maybe we'll have a good outcome. Universe, you listening? Please?

Today included an extra super special treat. I got to meet mekate from I Can't Whistle who was here in town for a writer's workshop, plus got to see Sprogblogger to boot. So Mo and two pregnant blogger women enjoyed a lovely Sunday coffee together in Brooklyn. Does it get much better than that? Just about all you could ask for, really. And they both are such great role models on how to go about this infertility, loss, pregnancy-after-loss business. A bright spot in a tough couple of days. So glad to have seen you, ladies. You put a smile on my face and helped me regain some much needed perspective. Thank you.

Mo

Wading into it

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:00:00 +0000

We went today for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound monitoring.

I must be crazy because I really thought it would be no big deal. I've done the bloodwork a thousand times now and I can practically perform my own ultrasounds.

If were just that, it would have been fine. But somehow in imagining how this morning would go, I failed to consider the emotional impact of being back at my clinic and back in the IVF saddle again.

Why my reaction surprises me is in itself puzzling (I'm, um, a psychologist, so I'm supposed to have a pretty decent read on my own feeling states), but being there, breathing in the desperate anticipation of the other women - who somehow managed to make it through a major blizzard to crowd the waiting room by 7:45 AM, seeing a woman clutching her ultrasound with its little gestational sac plainly visible, hearing my doctor come out of another room where he'd clearly just done an IUI insemination, well, it all just about did me in.

I thought I was going to throw up. I looked bad enough that the tech asked me if I was all right.

Me, all right? Why no, actually, I'm not all right.

Just being in this place - reliving our five pregnancies, our five subsequent losses, facing my fear that we will never have a child who lives - makes me want to rip my own head off. But, ahem, that's not socially acceptable, so I'll just go out into the waiting room and take it out on Will, who is having his own very hard time with all of this. Why we aren't always able to comfort each other with consistency during the hardest parts of this is another mystery. Something we're working on, but need to work on fast.

Because (gulp) we're back here again. We're doing this. We waded through more than a foot of snow to make it in for this morning's monitoring.

Why is it that all I feel is dread about cycling again rather than the nervous excitement I used to feel?

IVF #6 here we come.

Progressing

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:05:00 +0000

Things are progressing.

I took the last birth control pill yesterday and will have a baseline scan tomorrow to make sure all is quiet on the ovarian front.

A big box o' Gonal F and Menopur arrived two days ago and I'm expecting a shipment of more Gonal F as well as microdose lupron and Saizen (costly stuff that is) today, assuming the snowstorm doesn't delay Fed Ex.

Things have been pushed back a few days but the current plan is to fly to Denver March 7.

Looks like we're moving forward. Gulp.

Back on the horse that threw you

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 16:10:00 +0000

My period arrived yesterday.

After several phone calls over the past half week, yesterday I also spoke to the Denver clinic and although they are techically "full," they've been most helpful to squeeze me back onto their IVF calendar.

No, the family situation is still not completely resolved, but I cannot wait any more. Watching cycle after cycle go by with no intervention is starting to drive me batty. It's begun to really weigh me down. Add to that that I've had hot flashes a couple of nights in the past month (including last night, bah!), and I am just not comfortable letting more time pass as my little ovaries seem to be trying to shrivel up and die.

So we're on the calendar for an early to mid-March retrieval at Colorado. I start birth control pills tomorrow and will take them for fourteen days, starting stims and human growth hormone after that.

Tentative date to fly to Denver is March 2...

Fingers crossed. Please, please, please let this be it.

Here

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:35:00 +0000

Wow. I've let a lot of time pass since my last post. Sorry 'bout that. And especially sorry that I've worried some of you.

I've been...not sure how to articulate it, even to myself...Hibernating? Avoiding? Living? Some combination of these. A little out of words for the last little bit.

But I'm ok. I'm here. Still going.

Truth be told, this whole babymaking venture feels hopelessly stalled, although in reality it's only temporarily sidelined by the ongoing family situation. And it's been hard to come here into blogland and see others moving forward and feel us stagnant and not able to take any steps right now that might lead us out of this babylessness we find ourselves in.

So I've been letting myself be distracted by work, which has included travel and training, and my coursework (what was I thinking agreeing to another master's degree on top of the PhD?!) and, can't ever forget it, the family drama.

Just biding my time, hoping we can move into the next phase of things soon. Thanks for hanging in there. I'm not gone...just quiet.

Sundays of grace #23

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 19:30:00 +0000

1. I got to see two blogging women I've come to love this week: Sprogblogger and Dora (plus got to see - and hold! - Baby S. again). Yeah! Pretty awesome that. And still amazing to me that real life relationships have sprung (and hopefully will continue to spring?) from this online world. Wish I hadn't met you here ladies, but since I'm here and you're here. Nice! pretty much sums it up.

2. Weekend at the beach! We are still in the U.S., so it is a bit blustery, but it is great to have no winter coat on! and to go running outside in shorts! and to go fishing! (even if all I caught was a hermit crab). To look out at the blue water and feel the sun on my face. To be side by side with Will. All in all, a pretty darn good couple of days. Yeah, three-day weekend!

3. Ran for an hour outside this weekend - as I mentioned in shorts. I use a GPS watch when I run to track my heartrate and mileage. And gosh darn, if I'm not getting faster, which is cool and motivating for all this gym/weight loss stuff. Will says I'm almost fast enough now that my runner sister in law might be able to slow down enough to let me accompany her and Will on one of their weekend runs (typically, I can only run with her when she's like 6-9 months pregnant. And geesh, isn't that a bit of a bummer on numerous levels.) So, grateful for that too. For feeling strong, for seeing improvements, for having stamina, and health. I'm proud of myself for sticking with the exercise long enough to build strength and endurance. Because the beginning part of exercise is always, always sucky.

Hallmark Reject #9

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 12:00:00 +0000

Mo's shape up plan: week 8: Two steps forward, one step back

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 18:14:00 +0000

OK. So last week was my birthday.

And I celebrated.

Maybe I celebrated a little too much.

Hmmm...

Was hoping that somehow certain eating and exercise behaviors might slip by unnoticed, but, ahem, no.

THE SCALE SEES ALL.

Here's the damage:

Total Exercise: 240 minutes. All running on treadmill.

Diet: Good at the beginning of the week, with a downward trend that somewhat exploded into badness by the end of the week. But my, oh my, was it good.

Items of Clothing Earned: 1 (because the beginning several days of the week, I was good, really!)

Weight Gained: GAINED! This is supposed to say "Weight Lost!" Sadness: 1.6 lbs.

Weight Lost Overall: 9.2 lbs.

Total BodyFat Lost: 5.17 lbs.

Your birthday is SO OVER, girl. Get it in gear!

Mo

Awkward conversations

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:11:00 +0000

While on vacation this holiday season on a remote island in the Caribbean, we met a couple as we were waiting for dinner one night. We hit it off and the four of us ended up eating together. Mostly, it was a lot of fun, but then those "pesky questions" people like to ask started to crop up...

Them:
So you're from New York City!

Us:
We are.

[insert much chatter about NYC: shopping, crowds, expense, housing, crowds, shopping, the usual. It's expensive! It's fun! We kind of envy you but really we'd never want to live there, etc.]

Them:
Were you in the city on 9/11?

Us:
[deep inhalation] Yes.

Them:
Wow. That must have been something.

Us:
It was. It was a terrible time.

Them:
Where were you? We mean, exactly? Were you near the World Trade Center?

Us:
We actually find it kind of upsetting to talk about that day.

Them:
Oh! Of course, of course! No problem. Let's talk about something else.

.........

[a few minutes later]

Them:
So how long have you been married?

Us:
Two and a half years.

Them:
And you're in your late thirties?

Us:
Yes.

Them:
So we have to ask...

Us:
[Oh, no. Here it comes.]

Them:
What are your plans for children?

Us:
[Deep inhalation]

Them:
Don't you want them?

Us:
[Thinking: Maybe we can go back to the 9/11 questions?]

Us:
We've been trying.

Them:
Oh. Well, children aren't all they're cracked up to be, anyway.

Sundays of grace #22

moandwill@gmail.com (Mo and Will) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 14:36:00 +0000

1. Will threw me a birthday dinner! And many people came! Including Sprogblogger! How cool is that! I felt very loved and honored to have my birthday celebrated by a nice cadre of friends + Will and my awesome sister.

2. You guys! Wow - you really came out of the woodwork to delurk! I'm completely humbled. And I have a bunch of new blogs to read. And I just feel so touched that you're out there. Reading. I mean....how very super cool....you know?

3. Hard to top those two, so I won't even try. I read mekate's post on battling urgency (you should really go check it out) and it really helped synthesize a lot of what I am often feeling on the topic - a feeling that can be whipped into a frenzy by something like a 38th birthday and a family emergency that's got all baby making proceedings on indefinite hold. But for today, for this moment, I'm feeling ok. The urgency is in check. I'm feeling centered, and like somehow we'll figure this out, and that it'll happen somehow, somewhen, and most of all, that I'm going to be ok. Sometimes (often?) these are hard feelings to come by. And I am grateful that for just now, I am feeling at peace.

Mo