Life and Love in the Petri Dish

Sweet potatoes, where have you been all my life?!

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Wed, 01 May 2013 20:47:00 +0000

Magpie's first venture into solids this weekend was a raging success. Six months old and ready to eat!

At first she wasn't so sure about it...

But very quickly, she decided sweet potatoes were delicious

And fun to spread everywhere in reach!

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What's in a name: On lifting the veil of anonymity

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:20:00 +0000

I haven't been sure how I wanted to handle Magpie's name on this blog. Would she always remain as Magpie? Would I reveal her real name? For a while, when she was a newborn, I felt that Magpie fit as her name. It's what we had called her in utero. And although she had made an exit from the womb, she was still a very new creature, a stranger to me really, and to call her Magpie here seemed appropriate.

But as she's grown, it doesn't feel as right anymore.

I'm already posting photos of Ms. Magpie, but not her name...would revealing her first name really expose her any more?

Many times, I have accidentally typed her real name into this blog and had to go back and erase it.

And it's made me wonder - what am I keeping her name secret for? Does she need to be protected in this way?

I know many here have commented that you wanted to know her real name, that you almost felt owed it after following our journey for so long. And I hear you. But my primary focus is of course what is best for my daughter.

Will and I have somewhat public personas due to our professional academic and clinical roles and therefore we will be remaining as Mo and Will. And funny enough those names have come to fit us.

I wanted to ask those of you who are parenting, those who have revealed their child's name or have used a pseudonym, how did you make that decision?

Mo

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6 months in the blink of an eye

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 19:07:00 +0000

I can't believe it, but last week Little Ms. Magpie turned six months old.

She's still a wee little girl, last officially weighing in at 12 pounds at her four month appointment. I know she's bigger now, but not sure how much bigger. She's wearing some 0-3 month clothes and a fair amount of 3-6 months clothes (although some of the brands are still way too big in that size, like Baby Gap). She wears size 2 diapers, but they are fairly big on her.

What is Magpie's personality like these days? Magpie is a pretty happy girl much of the time. She'll let you know when she's not, though. She is very determined and motivated. She works at a new skill over and over again until she has it nailed. And when there is a toy that she wants, she persists in her efforts to get it, not giving up easily. She seems to be very independent to me, not the little cuddler I was imagining she would be. She will let me hold her but doesn't curl against my body unless she is very sleepy, and mostly she seems to prefer to be on the go and exploring rather than hanging out for any length of time in mommy or daddy's arms. We are told by others that she has a great attention span for a baby really able to focus for a long time on a single thing (I haven't focused on that myself, so not sure).

Communication: Magpie is a pro at making "ssspppppttt" noises with her lips and loves to do this back and forth with others. She does some cooing but is not really babbling yet. She is very expressive and has a piercing shriek she enjoys practicing, just to hear herself, I think.

Moxie and Magpie: Magpie and Moxie are developing a very good friendship. Moxie brings her balls and stuffed animals over to Magpie and drops them near Magpie. And Magpie will bat at the ball or toy, the two of them "playing" for minutes at a time (well supervised, of course). Moxie will lay down beside Magpie and roll against her nuzzling her. Magpie is particularly enamored with Moxie's collar and tags these days, although she also likes to touch Moxie's ears and paws. And Moxie is very patient and tolerant of it all.

Motor Skills: Magpie is a busy, busy girl. She has learned to crawl in the past week, and in just that time has gone from barely crawling to making it across the room at a rapid rate. She has also become a champion sitter upper. She can even get up off of her back into a sitting position (this little girl has abs of steel!). She loves to grab things and puts everything in her mouth. She mimics us chewing with her own mouth and watches intently (but no teeth yet, still a wonderful gummy smile!). She misses nothing, this girl! Once last week, she held herself in a standing position in her crib. Gah! No standing yet! I am not ready!

Bathtime: I just got Magpie a bath seat, which she likes a lot, but often tries to lean over in, making it unsafe. She has several plastic bath toys, that she loves. Her favorite baths are when mommy gets in too and she can sit between my legs and play with her toys. This can turn bathtime into a happy 20 minute activity, a nice relaxing bonding time at the end of the day when otherwise she might be cranky.

Napping: Magpie usually has three naps a day. The first is about 45 minutes to an hour at 9am, then another longer nap at 12 for 1-2 hours, then a final nap at 4pm-ish for another 45 minutes or so.

Sleeping: This is still fairly rough, and deserves its own post. Magpie goes to bed at 7-7:30. She often is awake around 11 and needs help finding her pacifier to settle back down again. she might be up again at 1am briefly and then eat (2-3 ounces) at 2am or 3am. She sleeps until 5:15 most days....maybe 6am if we're really lucky. Then she is up for the day. If only her parents were feeling like being up for the day at that time!

Eating: Magpie still is not a good eater. We struggle to get 30+ ounces of breast milk into her (four feedings of 7.5 ounces each, plus usually 2-3 ounces overnight). She is now using the Playtex Nurser bottle. Often she won't drink if you hold her (slightly heartbreaking for me) and does better if you feed her in her swing or in her crib while she watches her mobile. We used to swaddle her while she ate and this helped, but now it seems to frustrate her. Yesterday we introduced solid food to her - sweet potato mixed with breast milk. She loved it! So she will be having that each morning in addition to her regular milk intake.

I can't believe she is here. That we are a complete family. I am so thrilled at her presence. So in love with her. As the days pass and she becomes more and more interactive, the connection grows.

I think it is slowly sinking in: We are a family. We made it out the other side. She is finally here, and she is growing up right in front of me. How did we get so lucky?

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Days of grace: the worry edition

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:40:00 +0000

1. I tossed and turned in between caring for the little one last night, filled with angst. Strange sadness wafting over me that we didn't do a professional photo shoot when my little girl was a newborn, that although we've taken many photos and shot a good amount of video, none of it is "professional" quality. Already I feel that she is growing and changing, just as she should be, but that I haven't captured or savored each moment enough perhaps, despite how longed for each one has been, and now some moments are already gone. Strange nostalgic sadness and anxiety. I awoke and booked a photo shoot immediately in the hopes of getting her gummy smile commemorated before she sprouts her first tooth and this too is gone. She's growing and changing so fast!

2. Sleep strike: Ms. Magpie has not been interested in napping or sleeping long of late, instead wanting to twist herself around and look at everything (even in the dark) and grab at my clothes and my hands. How can one little girl have so much energy? How can she not be as tired as I am?

3. Now that I am back at work, I feel de-skilled more than ever with my daughter. I have paranoid thoughts that she doesn't know the difference between myself and her caregiver or that she prefers the caregiver. I worry that I will become a stranger to her. Not rational, I know. I want her to be deeply connected to the caregiver. Just mommy doubt, I think. Funny how sometimes I feel so incompetent around her, so incapable of knowing how to do the right thing and other times we fit together perfectly.

4. My daughter is a mover, as I have mentioned before. She is always twisting and arching her body. It is often a struggle to feed her as she prefers to whip her head from side to side to evade the nipple when she can. We've been told she has "high tone." I had her evaluated by a physical therapist who said that she is high toned and tense but that we don't need to intervene. This writhing, board-like, ever moving baby is not what I expected. I worry that she is uncomfortable or that I am doing something wrong. Or that there is something amiss (despite what we've been told) and I'm missing or delaying the opportunity to help her.

Mo

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What is a professional mom to do?

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 11:58:00 +0000

After five years and six miscarriages, I am the mother of a very beautiful and very alive little girl. A little girl who is nearly six months old. I love it. I love her. And in some difficult to articulate way, motherhood completes me, fills me unlike anything I've ever experienced. After all of this time of wanting, it has become part of who I am. I never thought I would be able to say it, but I am a mom.

I am also a professional. I went to school for a long time - eight additional years after my four-year college degree - and earned a PhD in clinical psychology. I completed a two year post-doctoral fellowship. And ultimately I was awarded a faculty position at an Ivy League medical school as a research scientist. When faced with what career path to take during our long journey with infertility, I have always chosen the more ambitious route. Partially because I love what I do and want to do it well. And partially to distract myself from my profound sadness over our seemingly terminal infertility and multiple losses. My work is full. It is fulfilling. I spend my days seeing patients, conducting clinical research, writing grants and research articles, giving talks, and supervising trainees.

Or rather I used to, before I went out on maternity leave.

Since my beloved daughter arrived, I've been showering her with kisses and eking out as much time away from work as is humanly possible. In fact, I somehow managed to get permission to take off up until this very week. Much of it unpaid leave, but still. In America, 5.5 months off is an almost unheard of length of maternity leave. (Canadians and Europeans, I know that 5.5 months off is no big shakes, but sadly many in the U.S. get only 6-8 weeks).

But now the university wants me back. And I am filled with ambivalence.

I am crazy in love with my daughter. And I want to be an integral part of her day to day life. I'm also deeply aware of - and humbled by - the fact that my husband Will and I are currently my daughter's whole world. What she knows of trust, of security, of happiness, comes from whatever amount of warmth and consistency and touch we are able to give her. To go back to work (and thereby be away from her) feels on some level instinctually and primally wrong.

On the other hand, I am also aware of the fact that she will grow up, and not need me so much, and that if I step away from my academic career now, it will not be waiting for me when I may want to return to it in five or so years. I also worked long and hard to have the role I do now (see above about 12 years of education post high school).

So being kind of a science-y sort, I decided to look to the data. What do other people think about moms working or staying home or doing something in-between?

It turns out that the Pew Research Center has just completed a survey on this very topic.

And here are a few key findings, in graphical form:

So the majority of people overall vote for part-time employment. Sounds great!!! But this is not compatible with being on the faculty of a medical school, now or ever again (one of those 'once you've stepped off of the merry-go-round you are off' types of situations...)

What about working mothers? What do they think? This should be helpful, I thought. Maybe other moms like me can help me think through what feels most right in this situation...

Part-time wins again! Although it looks like significantly more moms are voting for full-time in 2012 versus in 2007.

From a purely financial perspective, I am lucky that I am not the primary breadwinner in our family. I realize it is a luxury that I even get to grapple with the notion of how much I want to work. My husband Will is on the faculty at the same medical school that I am, but is much better compensated (he is on a clinical track; I am on a research track). I make a decent salary, but if I chose my work based purely on finances, I could make more money in fewer hours if I left academics and entered private practice.

What do I think I want in an ideal world? If you asked me today, I think I agree with the majority, that part-time work really fits the bill the best. I'd like to have my cake and eat it too. To have my daughter see her mom working as a professional, and see herself by extension as capable of anything she puts her mind to. But I also want to spend as much time with her as I can and strongly desire her to feel that she and not mom's work, is most important.

The trouble is, I cannot remain on the faculty at my institution on a part-time basis, or I would do that in a heartbeat. And so, for now, I am returning to my current position. I am going to test the waters and see if I can work in the new way that I want to (home earlier in the evening, not working nights and weekends). I've negotiated one day at home to work remotely. Of course, as a new mom, I have a whole new perspective on what's important, and I'm hoping to be able to translate that into a changed approach to my work.

So right now I'm going through my own version of separation anxiety. My daughter seems completely unfazed, but I am a bit of a wreck.

For the next few months, I will take each day as it comes, taking my emotional temperature from time to time about working as a mom. I'll be posting as I feel my way through this return-to-work transition, I'll figure out exactly what kind and amount of work makes sense for me and my family now and for the future.

As always, I welcome your thoughts. I would love to hear from other working moms about how you navigated your own back-to-work transitions.

Mo

Read more about the data from the Pew Research Center report on Modern Parenthood here.

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Sundays of grace (on any day)

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 16:09:00 +0000

I haven't written a "Sundays of Grace" post in a long time, but it seems as good a time as any to resurrect these posts. I love how Susan at sprogblogger.com uses this format to capture the many small (but momentous in their own way) moments with her son, Henry. We have so many moments here, and I am often thinking to post about them, but then I don't have time at that minute... and then... I'm off to the next task or adventure.

So here goes...

1. Walk in Central Park in the early morning: Magpie seems to wake like clockwork at 5:30AM, no matter what time we put her down the night before. And Will and I are not really early morning people (especially me). So this morning, we got up and out around 6:45 AM and took Moxie and Magpie to Central Park, stopping at a Starbucks along the way. We let Moxie off-leash (allowed at that early hour) and played fetch with her with various sticks. And Magpie watched from her stroller. I was pleased that we were able to take something we struggle with and are not so fond of (these weekend early morning wakenings) and instead celebrate it and make a memory.

2. Magpie is becoming such a little person these days. She swivels her head around to look right and left, to take in everything. Her eyes brighten when she catches yours, or her image of herself in the mirror. She's even started to notice Moxie and to reach for her paw (almost like she wants to hold hands) or her ear when she is nearby. She makes a "spppptttt" noise with her lips and she loves when I do it to and she and I can "converse" (in spit, I guess!). She loves reaching for things, for everything.

3. My girl is a girl on the go. Always. She loves to make a jumping motion with her legs if she is held in a standing position (which is one of her favorite positions), and if she is in your arms or on her stomach or back, she is kicking, kicking, kicking. Multiple people have said that we will be in for it once Magpie starts crawling. I think we will need to be vigilant but that Magpie will be so so happy to be able to move on her own. She is one determined girl, and it is pretty frustrating to her to not be able to get to whatever she has her mind set on. I think with crawling will come great relief for her.

4. Warm days outside. It is such a pleasure to have warmer weather again and to be able to take Magpie outside to the park or playground or just out on the sidewalks of Manhattan. Especially because she's at an age that she's taking in everything around her. She loves to watch the children on the playground and to watch dogs and passerby in the street. She loves the colors and shapes at our local market Fairway or at our neighborhood pharmacy Duane Reade. Nice now that the weather is cooperating to get outside with her and take a leisurely stroll. Only when she's in a strolling mood of course : )

Magpie trying out a swing for the first time at the playground.

5. Magpie's personality: My mom was here visiting and described Magpie's personality as "mellow but driven," and I think that's a pretty good description of her. She's generally a pretty happy girl, but she definitely knows what she wants, and she is not afraid to let you know. As a bit of a people-pleaser myself, I kind of admire this trait in her : )

6. I am in a phase where I am in love with Magpie. Just besotted. I think that I could cover her entire body with kisses. That I could gobble her up with my affection. I think at the moment she might like that, too. It won't always be so, but for now, we can enjoy moments where we just bask in each other.

7. Sometimes I look at Magpie and I think I catch a glimpse of the little girl she is on the way to becoming, rather than the itty bitty baby she has been. I look at her and think I see her older self for a moment, just for a split second. And my eyes fill up. I still can't believe she is alive, that she is here. Even more impossible to think that she is growing up, a little bit every day, right before my eyes.

Mo

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Bath time this week

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 16:03:00 +0000

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The kindness of strangers

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:07:00 +0000

Since I've weaned from my left breast, life has been so much simpler. No more mastitis! Not even a single blocked duct! No more absolute dread and fear every time I end up going longer than a couple of hours without pumping! The change is significant. It is glorious.

And now, looking back, I can't believe I went through mastitis six times in a little over three months. It was fairly terrible. But I guess it felt that imperative to provide Magpie with my milk. I know it is different for different folks, but providing breast milk was important to me (and I was surprised at how strongly I felt this way). It felt like if there were any way I could do it, I wanted to.

As a single-breast milk producing mom, life is much, much improved. But as expected, my supply is not up to snuff to provide all of the milk that Magpie needs. It's not too shabby...I am producing about 17 ounces from the one breast. That would be more than enough for Magpie if I had two breasts providing milk, but she is drinking about 30 ounces now, so 17 ounces is far short.

I had hoped to get to at least four months exclusive breast milk for Magpie. Much of the research I'd read showed benefits from that amount. I also thought it might be possible to make up for the missing supply after I weaned by working on pumping the other side. But I knew that would take time. To buy some time, I looked into milk banks and found, to my surprise, that there is only one designated milk bank in New York State (one! How crazy is that!?). So I went to them to help tide me over as I went through the weaning process on the one side. I didn't have a long-term strategy. I was hoping to get to four months and then come up with the next plan from there. Hoping to see what my supply would do once I was clear of the recurrent infections and antibiotics. The bank sold me a few small batches of pasteurized donor milk, enough to get us to four months and a little bit beyond.

I knew I couldn't keep it up using the donor bank milk, though. It was just a stopgap. And so I planned to transition to supplementing with formula once we got to the end of my freezer stash. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I was ok with it.

But then, in the meantime, something wondrous happened. A reader contacted me and said her child is about Magpie's age. She said she had extra milk. A lot of extra milk as a matter of fact. That she had so much, she was running out of freezer space.

She asked if we wanted it. She lives across the country but she said she would ship it to us.

Will and I were so moved. We were overcome with gratitude. And we started doing a lot of research. Would it be ok to use milk from another person? How would we even get it here? How could we ensure that the milk was safe?

We also asked ourselves how we felt about using this body fluid from another person. Was it too gross? Was it too personal? It felt simultaneously amazing (what a gift!) and a little bit icky. But then I thought... before Magpie's arrival, we had gotten to end-stage infertility. We reached the point that we looked to use another woman's eggs to have a baby, and we came close to using another woman's uterus as well, through surrogacy. Both of these things felt ok. Was using unpasteurized donor milk really any further out there?

After thinking about it awhile, we decided that yes, we could feel comfortable with this wonderful gift. The big if wasn't the yuck factor, it was safety.

Safety is a big deal when using donor milk. Breast milk is a body fluid not unlike blood. If this wonderful woman were unknowingly infected with any of a number of things, our little Magpie could also be infected. We realized this potential risk was our biggest concern.

So we talked to this woman at length about potential risk factors in her life (there weren't any). And we asked her, and she agreed, to do a ton of blood work, just to be absolutely certain all was well. We read up from many sources, including breast milk bank guidelines and Eats On Feets, a milk sharing resource guide and followed their guidelines about blood testing. And this woman kindly had bloodwork done for syphillis, HIV, HTLV, hepatitis B and C, CMV, and West Nile Virus. She checked out fine - nothing we needed to worry about for Magpie.

We also researched in depth how to transport the milk. It needed to stay frozen solid throughout the journey, so the best way to do this was using an insulated cooler in insulated cardboard. We found informative posts about how to do this here and here. We shipped it Fed Ex overnight. And I think both she and I kept our fingers crossed and breath held the whole time!

Shipping box after arrival on my kitchen floor

Just to be extra careful that the milk stayed frozen, we also used dry ice:

dry ice left over after overnight shipping

Luckily the milk arrived safely and it's been feeding Magpie wonderfully since then.

Having this milk has been a godsend. There are no more worries that I won't produce enough milk (at least not for a while). I use this milk in conjunction with my own so that Magpie gets my fresh milk with all of the antibodies that she needs (and protection from germs she and I are exposed to) plus the donor milk with its own unique blend of nutrients and antibodies. In my mind this milk represents all of us women coming together to create a village to raise our young, banding together to offer each person what another might need.

Will and I were just overcome that we were given this gift from a stranger. That she would be willing to go to so much trouble to help us feed our little girl (and I know how much trouble pumping is!). And we were again astounded at the amazing people this blog has connected us to over the years. People who have become real life friends, people we haven't met but care deeply about, and people who have offered the most amazing things to help us in our journey (you know who you all are, and we are so grateful to you). This blog is part of our village, our community of women and families coming together across the miles.

Because of this woman's generosity, here is what our freezer - previously empty of milk - now looks like:

540 ounces of amazing donor milk. A life changer!

Our path to Magpie was a long one, but we also know there are many ways that we have been very fortunate. This is just one of them.

I am protecting this woman's privacy and am not naming her or linking to her blog. But I do want to say a public and a heart-felt thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Mo

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Magpie at four months

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 12:39:00 +0000

This post is late...almost coming at Magpie's five month birthday....but here is Ms. Magpie's four month photo. She's growing up!

She's got quite a personality now - very smiley, very interactive. She's fairly mellow, but she knows what she wants and will definitely let you know if you're not providing it!

Magpie still very small for her age. We were just at the doctor last week and she now tips the scales at 12 pounds, 3 ounces. Not much, especially considering she was born at 8 pounds, 1 ounce. She's at the 6th percentile now (down from the 45th). I try not to worry too much about this, but I do find that her weight continues to be on my mind. She's drinking approximately 30 ounces of breast milk a day now, so it should be enough. Not sure why she doesn't grow a bit faster, but alas. Perhaps when she starts solids at 6 months she'll pick up the pace a bit? Or maybe she is just going to be a wee lass. We shall see.

I don't have her measurements with me for her length and head circumference, but both are at the 25th percentile, which the doctor was happy with.

So enough of the numbers. The bigger question is, What is Ms. Magpie up to these days?

She's smiling at everyone, including Moxie, even when you are across the room.
She's looking at everything, everywhere we go, her head a constant swivel as she soaks in the world around her.
She turns toward you most of the time if you say her name.
She's grabbing for toys, for mommy's hair, for the placemat on the table when she's on my lap, for the paper on the doctor's exam table. Everything she can get her little hands on.
She loves putting everything she can into her mouth - her hands, her toys, your hands, your arm, eeevvveerrything.
She's rolling over front to back.
She's rolling over back to front.
She has great head control and likes tummy time for long stretches.
She loves to bounce herself up and down in a standing position on mommy's lap...over and over and over.
She coos and groans and gurgles.
She makes bubbles and "spppttth" noises with her lips (maybe she's a future trumpet player?)
She's drinking about 6.5 ounces at most feeds now and is using the Playtex Nurser Bottle. She seems to prefer the fast flow nipple.
She grabs her feet with her hands and pulls them up toward her head.
She loves to sit up if you help her balance.
On a good night, she sleeps from 8 or 8:30pm until 3am. Then drinks another few ounces and sleeps until 6am or so.

We are still swaddling her but transitioning out of this soon. Still using paci for sleeping and as a last resort for soothing during the day.

She really enjoys her swing and also loves her Fisher Price playmat. Looooves it. Maybe I'll have to do a "Magpie's favorite things" post soon. She has a crinkly Winnie the Pooh book that she also loves (I think she loves the sound more than anything).

Little girl is a joy and is growing up! One day at a time. I still can't believe she's mine.

Mo

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Sisters sharing

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 17:28:00 +0000

Moxie and Magpie sharing the blanket, playing side by side.

Ah, sisters!

We were pleased to catch these moments on video, and the music playing in the background couldn't have been more appropriate! By the way, Moxie is playing with her own toy...we draw the line at that kind of sharing at this age, especially since Magpie likes to put everything in her mouth!

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Sad news

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 02:15:00 +0000

Bernadette from Rasta Less Traveled lost her beautiful son Hayden, aka "Master Cheeks" today, a week and a half shy of his first birthday.

I've been following their journey since before the twins were born in India via surrogacy and have been astounded at Bernadette's calm yet determined advocacy for her son - first to care for him in India, then to have him brought home to the United States via medivac and then to help him be as comfortable and as completely cared for as possible in the midst of an impossibly complex medical situation.

If you have a moment, please send your support Bernadette and her husband Duane's way and keep Hayden's twin sister Scarlett in your thoughts. Heartbreaking.

Mo

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First vacation - a photo pictorial

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 12:00:00 +0000

We went on our first vacation with Magpie this past week. We have wanted to take advantage of my maternity leave and take a big trip. And so we decided to go to Costa Rica. We always said we wouldn't stop doing the things we love if we were lucky enough to have children. That we would make sure to still get out and do the things we enjoy. We thought (naively), how hard could it be to travel with one baby?

Well...

Actually, it hasn't been all that hard. Mostly it's just been different. We can't do many of the things we would have done before having her. And she dictates our schedule entirely with her naps and bedtime routine. This is all as it should be, as she is just a wee little one.

The travel itself took a lot of logistical planning, especially because I had to bring donor milk with us, using dry ice to keep it frozen solid throughout the journey (five hour plane ride followed by a three hour drive to our destination). So that was a bit stressful. But we were successful - we got it here solid as a rock!

The exclusive pumping that is currently my reality also required a certain amount of planning ...picture me pumping in the airport bathroom (thank goodness for family restrooms!), on the airplane, and in the rental car. If you can imagine it, I have pumped there. A little bit crazy, but it is what it is.

Despite us being on vacation, we remain as sleep deprived as ever. Magpie seems to be going through a phase where she wakes up every two hours or so...but luckily since we're on vacation we can nap and give each other breaks throughout the day and night.

I think Magpie has loved the bright sun (although we keep her from direct exposure to it) and warm weather. She is old enough to be looking around a lot now and I think has found the whole trip very stimulating from that perspective (of course she would find any trip out of our apartment equally stimulating...but it is nice to see her so interested in everything around her).

It's beautiful here, even if we aren't getting out as much as we would sans baby.

The view from our condo balcony

I think the key to this trip has been to have realistic expectations. There have been (of course) no canopy tours, no ziplining this trip. We took one shortish morning walk in the rainforest, but it was still hot hot hot! And I worried about Ms. Magpie, so we didn't repeat it.

Hot baby!

Magpie drinking her breakfast as we enter the national park at 7am.

So what have we done this vacation?

In addition to cooking, we have gone to restaurants within walking distance...

Magpie hanging out at the table

And we have spent a lot of time at the condo relaxing. Because we knew that would be the case, we picked a condo that had monkeys right off of the balcony so we could enjoy watching them while Magpie was safe and comfortable.

Squirrel monkey on the balcony

Capuchin monkey in tree at our condo

We also found a local beach that has a lot of shade and have taken Magpie there a few times in her sunsuit and hat...

And we've gone to the pool when it's shady...sometimes accompanied by a monkey or two...

We leave today, heading back to the capitol of San Jose and then flying back to NYC. May the travel gods be with us!

Mo

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Partial wean from an exclusive pumper's perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 16:51:00 +0000

Over here in Mo and Will and Magpie Land, we are several days into weaning my left breast. It is emotionally so difficult to close up shop on this tricky breast, but I won't miss the fevers and constant blocked ducts.

My doctor suggested I take the opportunity while on antibiotics to do this weaning, and so I've been working at it for several days.

The process is fairly simple physically...although emotionally, it's a whole other story. Basically, because I'd been so sick, my supply was way down already, and when I resumed my every three hour pumping schedule, I only pumped for 15 minutes on that side. Then every day or every other day (depending on how uncomfortable I've been physically), I've cut down each pump time by 3-4 minutes on the left breast. I go the full amount of time (approximately 30 minutes) on the other breast. I'm down now to four minutes on the left breast, and it produces very little milk in that amount of time. Just pumping on the right breast makes milk let down from the left, though, so that I get about 10 mls just leaking out from that. Not sure how long that will go on for, as I plan tomorrow or the next day to stop pumping on the left side entirely.

So that's the physical part of this. Emotionally, it is so difficult to take actions that reduce my hard-won milk supply, and will eventually stop it on that side. I put in a great deal of effort to get my supply up enough to feed Magpie, particularly challenging for me because she never did really latch on at all. Everything in me emotionally tells me it is wrong to stop pumping from that breast. That my baby needs my food. It must be hardwired, some primal mama thing, because it is soooo powerful. I have to remind myself every time I shut off the pump prematurely why I am doing this. And talk myself out of the idea of, "Maybe now it won't be so bad. Let me try it one more time." I have to remind myself I have tried, and I've gotten mastitis six times, each time more quickly than the time before. I have to tell myself we were headed nowhere good with this. That I needed to stop.

So here we are. At the moment, I'm making about three ounces on the right breast most pumping sessions, which is not enough to feed Ms. Magpie. Once I've fully weaned from the left breast, my doctor said I should wait a couple of days and then can restart the domperidone I was previously taking. With it she thinks I might be able to get my supply up higher. I will try it very cautiously. I think taking the domperidone is part of what has made me susceptible to mastitis. I can't find anything on Google suggesting a link, but it is a suspicion of mine. So I will try the domperidone again, but we are expecting to have to supplement with donor milk or formula. Fortunately these other options exist.

In other news, we are currently on our first real vacation as a family of three! It has been a lot of fun. A real logistical adventure, to be sure! I will post about our time away soon.

But for now, just sign me

Uniboob (Mo)

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Pump, wean, or supplement, Oh My! A response

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 08:58:00 +0000

My last post drew a lot of comments - thanks for your thoughts and for taking the time to share them. And thanks for keeping the comments mostly constructive. I know this is a really hot button issue. As such, I wanted to share my thoughts on some of yours:

First of all, thank you for all of you who wrote in about successfully feeding using only one breast. Reading your stories was inspiring and encouraging. All I can say is I'll give it my best shot. If I could make enough milk for Magpie with just the one breast, that would be awesome. It had honestly not occurred to me that that could be a possibility.

Jenny F. Scientist, PhD: Thanks for sharing your story on your use of long-term antibiotics to prevent recurrent mastitis. I talked to my doctor and she recommended against it due to the risk of developing C.diff or another related infection. So that'll be a no go for me. So glad it worked for you!

Amy and Alexicographer: Thanks for the warning about inflammatory breast cancer. Scary stuff. I didn't realize the ultrasound I had last week might not have picked it up. I know the chances I have IBC are slim but not none, so I will speak to my doctor about how to rule it out.

Dora: The major downside to combo feeding from the beginning of a baby's life is the increased risk of allergies because of the introduction of foreign proteins (cow's milk or soy) into the baby's immature "open" gut (see this well-written explanation regarding the importance of delaying solids for infants for the same reason). As I understand it, this risk gets smaller and smaller as the baby ages. You're completely right otherwise, the addition of some breast milk to formula is a great solution and gives a child all those yummy immune factors, making combo feeding very appealing.

Shannon and MaybelB: Hormones, yup. Got those going on, big time. I've never felt so driven by them in all my life, so...um...animal....Thanks for pointing out the role they may be playing in my decision-making right now. I wouldn't be surprised. I am humbled by them, but will try not to be just swept away by them. Also, the sleep deprivation...that does a number as well on my rational thinking abilities. Not a good thing. I miss sleep.

zerodoll and Becky: Thank you for sending info on milk sharing. What an awesome thing that these communities are forming! At the moment, I'm not comfortable with it, however, because of the slim risk of viral and bacterial contamination. I know the risk is very small, but it's still too frightening for me.

Where I'm at today:

I am in the process of weaning the left breast while on antibiotics. My doctor gave me two more courses to have on hand in case I have a recurrence while I start and complete the weaning process on that side. I am sad to do this. It feels so final, and I had so hoped to find another solution. But I, and my family, can't afford me continually getting sick with such high fevers. Enough is enough.

I purchased banked donor milk Friday to supplement and get us hopefully to Magpie's four month birthday. Yes, I'm aware that pasteurized donor milk is lacking some of the benefits of fresh, but you do what you can. Perhaps my supply will have increased enough by Magpie's four month birthday that I can make up for the loss of the left breast's milk. I doubt it. I expect to combo feed with breast milk and formula after that point. If I could, I would eek it out with exclusive breast milk to six months and then happily combo feed with formula upon the introduction of solids, but I'm not expecting to be able to make it that far with exclusive breast milk and the banked milk is too expensive and difficult to obtain to be anything but a short-term solution. So we'll see, but I'm expecting we'll be a combo feeding family soon enough. Any thoughts or recommendations on the healthiest/best formulas is most welcome.

Finally, I wanted to respond to Anon and Carrie and anyone else offended by my post:

I'm very sorry you were offended or annoyed by my post or felt that I was disparaging formula feeding. I wouldn't want anyone who needed or chose to use formula to feel badly. I was merely trying to express my struggle with my personal situation.

To respond to a few specifics:

"You are really sort of making anyone who has ever used formula feel like you think they are an abusive parent."

"What EXACTLY are all of these terrible, scary, no-good, very bad things that so many of you believe will happen to a baby upon having formula touch her lips, and that will render her forever identifiable as a (insert shameful whispery voice here) "formula-fed baby?""

I never said there were any "terrible, scary, no good, very bad things" or that anyone who chose/needed to use formula was "abusive" in my post.

In fact, I said, "Thank God for formula. It is a lifesaver."

We NEED to have formula. I am grateful it exists. I am taking a trip with Magpie and Will this week and we will have formula with us...just in case. That said, breast milk has been demonstrated to have anti-allergic, anti-neoplastic, and immune-enhancing properties.

This does not make anyone "bad" or or "abusive" for using formula and does not make formula "evil." It does make me want to explore avenues to continue to offer Magpie breast milk while she is so little, exclusively, if I am able.

My personal situation is my own. I had cancer, as did both of my siblings, all before we turned 40. Will and I both have asthma. We both have eczema. There are major food allergy issues, again also on both sides of our families. None of these things were "caused" by formula, but they are our personal vulnerabilities. I am motivated to want to reduce the likelihood that Magpie might experience any of these things if I am able. I realize that she may have to struggle with any or all of them anyway, but I would like to try.

It is a shame that the issue of baby feeding has become so contentious in our culture that one person's wish to continue feeding with breast milk feels like an attack on others. It wasn't meant to be, and so if it felt that way, I apologize. We all want the same thing: to love our hard-won kids the best we can at each moment in time.

Mo

photo credit: americanmusicpreservation.com

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It was the breast of times, it was the worst of times

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 08:42:00 +0000

We took Magpie to the pediatrician yesterday. She continues on her track, tenth percentile, steady as she goes. Her head and length are both 40th percentile. The pedi agreed her muscle tone is "at the high end of normal" and said an eval with a physical therapist would not be a bad idea, so I will be pursuing that soon. Everything else checked out just fine with her - she is rolling from front to back and back to front, holding up her head pretty well, "tripoding," reaching for things, cooing, following us with her eyes and head.

On the home front, though, things have been a bit rough. I had a mild case of mastitis last week. I talked to one of my doctors about it and they suggested an ultrasound was in order, because five bouts of mastitis in three months - all in one breast - is a lot of mastitis. So I got that and luckily there was nothing major, but it did show that some of my ducts on the affected (infected?) breast are "knuckled," and basically go in one direction and then bend backward the other way, offering, the radiologist said, lots of opportunity for kinks and clots. So boo. The other breast has nice ducts that flow like rivers toward the nipple.

not me

As though to drive home the point that my left breast is doomed, I promptly got another clogged duct later that day (Tuesday) and by that night, I'd developed mastitis again. Yup, that's six times now in three months. This time's infection came with a raging 103.8 degree fever. Fortunately my mom was here visiting and took care of Magpie for the day I was completely out of commission, but yowza. Adding insult to injury I'd developed some kind of GI issue (food poisoning? mild gastroenteritis?) and was holding my painful belly and yeching Tuesday night. The next morning I was too afraid to eat to even take an ibuprofen, and so delayed the antibiotics, etc., until that afternoon, despite the growing fever. So it is now the wee hours of Friday morning as I'm typing this, and I'm feeling better today. The breast is sore but not exquisitely so like Wednesday. Half of it is still beet red and hot to the touch. The skin now feels like it is a different texture from my other skin - somehow this infection, or the heat of it?, has affected that as well.

So I'm pretty much at my breaking point. I think I'm going to have to wean off of this breast or risk ongoing, escalating illness. To say I am sad about this doesn't even begin to cover it. Providing the food the Magpie has needed to eat has been a singular joy for me and has felt so vitally important.

So I told the pedi all this and that I didn't think I would make enough milk without the left breast and she handed me a package of formula. Hypoallergenic formula since major allergies, asthma, and eczema run in both Will's and my families, but still formula.

I took it.

Sheepishly, unhappily, I took it.

And I thought I would be ok with it, I really did, but the more I thought about it, the less ok I felt. Right after Magpie was born, when my milk was slow to come in, I looked into human donor milk. It is available, but it is ghastly expensive ($5 per ounce). So I had ruled it out and haven't considered it since. But today I thought...well, wait a minute...I'd just need to top off with the donor milk hopefully...and we've gotten to three months, so getting to four months is only 16 days away...getting to six months 60ish days after that, but way closer than it was before. So I am looking into it.

I'm also looking into milk sharing programs. I'm much less comfortable with this, but it's also significantly cheaper (approximately $1-$2 per ounce). The worry there is that the donor would have some undisclosed medication they are taking that could harm Magpie or that they are infected with an illness they could pass along (HIV, syphilis, HTLV, Hepatitis, etc.). I would ask for testing (and pay for it) if I were going to work with someone, but they could still engage in some risky behavior after that and get infected, and well...it makes me nervous. The cost however, has me considering that if I could find someone I felt comfortable with, it could be a way to eek out the next two and a half months of exclusive breastfeeding I had been so hoping for for Ms. Magpie.

It's tough. Will is not on my side with this. He thinks I should have stopped pumping and fed formula long ago and he is not inclined to be very supportive about it now. And I feel just as strongly that breast milk is important if there's any way I can provide it, and if I can't, well, so be it, but that it's worth looking into all of the possibilities to see what we might be able to come up with. I keep thinking that this is such a short period of time, two and a half more months!, that could help Magpie out for a lifetime. How can I not look at every option to offer her what is the normal and most appropriate food for babies? Thank God for formula - it is a life saver. But the fact that it is more convenient or cheaper is not compelling to me.

My strong desire for continuing with breast milk is based on my understanding of the policy statement published by the American Academy of Pediatrics in March 2012. Will reads it entirely differently than I do, but I thought they presented some cogent, data-driven arguments about the short and long-term health benefits of a minimum of four...and even better six....months of exclusive breast milk (breast milk via breast would be, by far, more superior healthwise, but alas, that is not to be.)

So I'm wrestling with recovering from illness and with some marital discord around this feeding issue (I know I probably sound crazy regarding it - Will certainly thinks so). But the girl is growing and time is passing. Tomorrow is another day. Let the left-sided weaning begin.

Mo

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Littlest girl

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 21:51:00 +0000

Magpie is now 3 months old and just hit 11 pounds. She is little. But she wasn't born little. She started life at the 50th percentile (8.1 lbs) and has been steadily dropping ever since. She is now down to the 10th percentile. We have been able to keep her from dropping further through valiant efforts.

She is beautiful, but she has not been much of an eater. Breastfeeding has been a complete bust. Despite many, many meetings with a lactation consultant, she was not able to drink from the breast. Bottle feeding (with my pumped milk) was also not going so great - she had a hard time getting the milk from there as well. Along the way, we tried the starter SNS, full-size SNS, the Haberman bottle, and most recently are using the Playtex Nurser bottle. And we've gone from an every 2 hour eating schedule to an every 3 hour one (we briefly tried a four hour schedule, but abandoned it after one day because it took her over an hour to eat).

photo credit: http://www.etsy.com/shop/abbyjac?ref=seller_info

Our lactation consultant finally recommend we see another lactation consultant who is a sucking specialist since Magpie was having so much trouble consuming her calories no matter how we tried. And then this specialist recommended we travel to Connecticut to see a speech language pathologist ("I refer the most difficult cases to her" - ouch!). We've seen this person twice.

Apparently Ms. Magpie is missing some of the reflexes that would help her suck. Her tongue has continued to be tied despite three frenotomies, so poor girl endured a fourth one last week. We are doing exercises with her daily to help her learn to use her mouth and tongue and to develop those areas better. This specialist also wants Magpie to be evaluated by a physical therapist because she is worried about her muscle tone - she feels Magpie is too rigid.

All along she has been gaining approximately 0.5 ounces a day, which the pediatrician says is acceptable for her at three months. It was apparently not acceptable prior to this, when she should have gained 1-1.5 ounces daily, so she missed a lot of potential growth during the first three months. We go back to the pedi tomorrow for a check up, so we will see what she has to say about her at that point, and also what she thinks about a physical therapist evaluation.

Who ever knew it could be so difficult to feed a baby? And breastfeeding, ha ha! A complete disaster. I'm fairly established with the pumping at this point, although Will really wants me to stop because I keep coming down with mastitis (five times with it so far...all in one breast). I think it is vitally important, though, for Ms. Magpie and really want to keep it up as long as I am able. I want to try to do the very best I can by her. She was and is so wanted. Who am I to give up on her with the most nutritious food just because she has so much trouble eating? So I am trying to keep it going, day by day, feed by feed.

Magpie is absolutely lovely, just small. And I am so thrilled to be her Mama.

Mo

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1, 2, 3 months (in pictures)

noreply@blogger.com (Will and Mo) — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 01:29:00 +0000

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For my birthday, I ask you...

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Thank you guys for your comments on the last post. It helps. I'm feeling better. Seven days of antibiotics ahead of me, but fever is down and blockage has shifted, and I think I will make it. I've decided not to try to make any decisions about anything while I'm still a bit under the weather. But I'm going to try a number of your suggestions (the ones I'm not already doing) and will keep you posted.

In the meantime...it's my birthday this week! - and for the first time in about five years, I am not approaching it with apprehension, but rather with joy. I've got Magpie here beside me. I still can't believe it, but I feel so, so lucky. With my daughter's (my daughter's!!) arrival, birthdays (and aging in general) have been recast again as something to look forward to. Prior to infertility, I had celebrated aging each year. I am a cancer survivor, after all, and when diagnosed at age 27, I developed the deep and legitimate fear that I might not have many birthdays to come. So each birthday was a wondrous and truly celebrated occasion, a reminder of life, of my gratitude for being here. It felt strange and complicated when in my mid-thirties, the presence of infertility, and the passing of my supposedly fertile years, meant that each birthday also marked the ever-closing possibility of having a biogenetic child. I distinctly remember sobbing in my bed on my 37th birthday when after two years of infertility treatments, I was no closer to a baby. It felt so wrong to be so sad - after all, I was also so grateful to be living! And yet there it was.

And now here I am. Alive. And with a very alive child beside me. And not just any child, but this amazing girl Magpie. Wow.

So. It's my birthday this week.

And for my birthday, I have a request for you.

Would you leave me a comment and help me expand my blog reading?

Will you share with me your favorite blog?

Specifically your favorite infertility or parenting-after-infertility or loss blog. Extra points if it happens to also be from a writer's or psychologist's or MD's/RN's other health care professional's vantage point.

If you can't narrow it down to a single blog, you can cheat and send me two urls. But I really want to know your top picking(s). The blog or two that you can't wait to read when the author posts. The one you wonder where they are when they haven't posted in a bit.

I want to expand my reading horizons. So help a birthday girl out, ok?

And thanks, as always, for reading and being there. Thanks today for helping me to celebrate : )

Mo

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My breasts, my nemeses

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 15:28:00 +0000

I am currently down for the count with my third bout of mastitis in Magpie's short two months of life. My left breast looks angry, the skin hot to the touch and reddened, extending up under my arm. I am achy and febrile. I am on antibiotics again (I will have taken more than 30 days of antibiotics for mastitis by the end of this round). Caring for Magpie at the moment is out of the question. Thank goodness for Will.

I never realized how debilitating these infections were prior to having Magpie. They last approximately two to three days, and I spike a high fever (~103-104) and have severe pain in the affected breast. It makes it very difficult to pump (but of course stopping in the midst of it is not an option because I would become engorged and only make the blockage situation worse). The intensity of symptoms means that I have had to ask for or hire help to care for Magpie each time. I don't know if I am particularly vulnerable to this type of infection for some anatomical reason, but it stinks.

The multiple episodes of mastitis (not to mention the multiple blocked ducts a week that I manage to clear prior to their developing into an infection) are just some of the many aspects of trying to give Magpie breast milk that have been a challenge. She has major problems with sucking, either from my breast or from a bottle, and so ours is, at least for now, an exclusive pumping relationship, and not an easy one.

Not how I thought it would be. And yet, so far at least, I can't give up on it. It seems so important to try to give her breast milk. Beyond the basic research on the subject (which on my more cynical days I might call almost propaganda), my personal reasons include my and my family's cancer history, my gestational diabetes history while carrying Magpie, and perhaps the fact that I and my siblings were not breastfed and have had some significant medical issues along the way (which of course we might have had anyway...who knows). I have the hope that I can offer Magpie some protections against these things by breastfeeding. Also that it will help me not develop type II diabetes (which after the GD I am at risk for) or breast cancer, which I am also at higher than usual risk for.

Not sure if this is supposed to be encouraging or admonishing

I tell myself that at least while I am on maternity leave, feeding and nurturing Magpie is my sole responsibility, and so it doesn't matter how hard it is. I tell myself that I went to great lengths to have her and that I want to give her "the best," no matter what. That perhaps to go an easier route would signify a lack of gratitude for her (some version of the "you made your bed, now lie in it" adage).

It boils down to another case of Mo's ridiculous persistence when all evidence points to stopping something (which of course has been reinforced in the past...most notably with the creation of Magpie herself). Or framed another way, it boils down to my intense focus on regret management. No matter the amount of acute suffering in the moment with the efforts to extract the milk from my breasts and get it into my beautiful daughter's body, I worry that if I stop "prematurely," I will look back later in her life and regret it. And what would constitute stopping prematurely for me? Prior to three months? Prior to six months? Prior to one year? I'm not sure, and honestly, I try not to think about it, because imagining going through this for any of those lengths of time feels undoable. So I don't look ahead, I just get through the next day of pumping and feeding. We're a one day at a time pumping and feeding family.

I also feel so aware of and grateful that I've been able to produce enough milk for Magpie to drink. So many of my friends and fellow bloggers have struggled mightily with this, having to supplement due to PCOS or insufficient glandular tissue or bad advice at the beginning of their attempts to breastfeed. That I am actually making what Magpie needs to eat (and some), is huge, particularly given the fact that she has never been able to latch on and that I didn't get started pumping until she was about 10 days old because of poor advice from the lactation consultants in the hospital after her birth. It feels selfish to squander this gift of milk we've been given when one of my dear friends pumped every three hours around the clock for nine long months to give her son 3 ounces of breast milk daily and the rest formula. She's a neuropsychologist (and knows her research) and felt it was that important to try to give him even a small amount of breast milk. I, on the other hand, am able to pump 3 ounces for each feeding, sometimes significantly more during the overnight hours. To just quit after working so hard - and being so lucky - to get to this point feels foolish.

And yet...

This is tough, folks. Capital T Tough. And no one seems to talk about it. Instead, I read that breastfeeding is normal and natural and easier than formula feeding. I read Dr. Spock's advice that most women can successfully breastfeed if they give it a fair trial (i.e., if they just try hard enough). Well. Huh. I guess I'm not trying hard enough, because despite consultations with numerous professionals and 11 weeks of daily attempts, we are not breastfeeding and I am struggling mightily with exclusively pumping.

At the moment, I hate my breasts. I feel I am a prisoner to them. I am also extremely grateful for the milk they are producing. But who knew it would be so hard!

I'm sure when my fever passes, things won't seem as overwhelming. But this is where things stand today.

Off to pump again and then rest. Hoping this fever clears soon.

Mo

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Christmas photos

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Tue, 01 Jan 2013 23:17:00 +0000

Magpie, swaddled, with antlers

Magpie and Mommy on Christmas day

Wishing you and yours a healthy and happy New Year.

2013 is going to be a year of many firsts, and a year of joy, for us. I still can't believe we are out the other side. We are so fortunate, so lucky. I want to savor every moment.

Mo

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The first 6 weeks postpartum: some hard realities

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:16:00 +0000

I wanted to post about some of the harder realities of my transition to new motherhood. This time has been filled with many wonderous moments, grant you (please don't ever mistake that!), which I hope some of my previous posts have conveyed, but there have also been a number of difficult ones. Some of our lack of preparedness is because we couldn't really imagine we were having a baby until... well... we had the baby. I "knew" that we appeared to be having a living child, but emotionally, after six consecutive losses, it was a different story. Even up to the day of the induction, it felt dangerous to presume we were taking home a baby. That may sound strange, but we've had so much loss, it just felt perilous. And so my preparations - both physically in terms of buying necessary baby things - and psychological - were a bit on the scanty side. Whatever your loss history, having a baby is a watershed experience. Somewhat of a "You don't know until you know." And everyone's experience is different. Add to that strong cultural mores that you are "supposed" to be only thrilled and happy.

If baby is healthy, then the rest doesn't matter. Right?

Right?

Well, I'd argue that if baby is not healthy, nothing else matters, but that it is ok to have feelings about the way things go down in your labor and delivery and postpartum. And I'm going to write about it, in case it is helpful to someone else:

Physical recovery after c-section: I had no idea about what to expect, because, well, I wasn't planning on having a c-section. In fact, I was naively certain I wouldn't need one (ha! ha!) because my provider has such a low c-section rate and I was so prepared to give birth (ha again!). But a c-section was needed (more on this when I share our birth story). So in addition to the emotional adjustment to the reality I found myself in, I was also very surprised to find that the initial few weeks after a c-section leave you pretty helpless physically. Initially, I was unable to roll over and had trouble getting up from a sitting position. I couldn't lift Magpie if she was in a bassinet beside the bed, which made it tough to room-in in the hospital unless Will or someone else was there at all times. All of this was magnified by the fact that Will's paternity leave was eradicated by Hurricane Sandy, as he was called into the hospital basically as soon as I was discharged home. Magpie and I were on our own. And we were physically not ready for it.

Emotional recovery after c-section: Also rough. I was sad about the way our labor and Magpie's arrival went. It felt chaotic and scary and I missed a number of things that I had looked forward to. I remember during the c-section, right before everything went to hell in a handbasket and the anesthesia failed, hearing a baby cry after they pulled her from my belly. And I thought, literally,

What is that sound?
Oh, it's a baby.
Why is there a baby crying in the operating room?
And then a few moments later...puzzled...Oh - that's our baby?!

It all felt so disconnected. I don't know her Apgars, I didn't get to see the placenta or umbilical cord (which I had wanted to), I never saw Magpie until she was all nicely cleaned and wrapped and hatted maybe 10 or 15 minutes later. I had moments of disbelief days later, this crazy idea that she had not actually come from inside of me. Maybe they had a room full of babies somewhere in labor and delivery and they'd just brought her into the OR to us from another room. Ludicrous, of course.

When one of a parade of lactation consultants came to the house and suggested I strip Magpie naked to weigh her before feeding, I stripped her to her diaper. When the woman commented to take off the diaper, I almost said, "But she came like this." The idea of my daughter naked felt odd for quite a while, as I hadn't seen her naked for days after her birth.

Talking to friends later, one asked, "Did you just have the most incredible high after giving birth?" The answer is no. I felt wrecked physically and emotionally. I'd been through 36 hours of labor and a rough c-section due to the anesthesia problem. When my friend asked that, it amplified some of the losses I was already processing from having had Magpie delivered in the way that she was.

I want to say that I don't think I was entitled to some wonderous type of birth experience, or that I expected my body to "know" how to give birth (which I've read people say), or anything of the sort. Obviously my body didn't "know" how to get pregnant, stay pregnant, get un-pregnant...and the list goes on. And thankfully, with medical technology, we've been able to overcome multiple hurdles along the way. But there was still a sense of loss with the way things went. I had strongly hoped to deliver vaginally, and I hadn't expected a c-section, if needed, to be so sudden and abrupt and without any of the human side of things as it was (in a non-emergency situation). I had thought there would still be some excitement: an announcement of "Here she is!" rather than no acknowledgement the doctors had her out and then hearing her faint disconnected and disembodied cry from across the room. I certainly didn't expect to have so much pain during the operation itself. I've moved on, mostly, and Magpie is certainly incredible however she got here, but there was an emotional loss.

Hormones/Mood: All I can say is Wow. This has all straightened itself out now but those first few weeks. Oh. My. I felt like some kind of combo animal-child. So emotional that I would burst into tears talking to Will. Not always unhappy, sometimes just moved, literally, to tears, but really, really intense emotions all around. I am someone who feels things very deeply but tends to keep a good lid on it. And in addition to deep emotions, I am strongly rational, and I tend to lead with the rational (or try to). For me, immediately postpartum, that went out the window. I was a ball o' emotion. I felt needy and shaky, and...almost primitive. It didn't last that long (a little over a week?), but it was something I did not expect and haven't experienced before.

Bonding: I had realistic expectations on this I think...my psychologist friends warned me - you will be thrilled Magpie is here, but you will not immediately love her. And I didn't. She was exquisite and lovely, and I felt very protective of her, but I did not instantly love her or feel that I "knew" her. This has grown. I now look at her and can't help smiling. I look at her and am incredulous at her perfectness. At her presence. I feel a growing bond each day. But it wasn't instantaneous. Not by a long shot. I'm glad I'd been warned about this so I didn't beat myself up about it. I look at her now and am just suffused with affection for her. But it wasn't instantaneous.

Breastfeeding: I envisioned Magpie suckling at my breast, milk dripping down from the sides of her mouth. Her content, me content. I imagined myself rolling over to her co-sleeper at night and the two of us doing dream feeds. Ah bliss.

Well, not so much. Magpie never could latch on properly in the hospital. She she lost 13% of her birthweight while we were there and they mandated that I introduce formula using a supplemental nursing system (SNS) to stem her weight loss. Within a few days at home, my milk came in, I started a crazy pumping schedule, and was able to forego the formula and feed her breast milk through the tube.

But breastfeeding itself wasn't happening. Magpie's tongue was severely tied. We ended up having three procedures with an ENT to help free it up. She just plain couldn't get her mouth open enough or her tongue in the right position to eat. We limped along with the SNS for a while - a cumbersome tube taped to my breast, my nipples cracked and bleeding. Each feed took over an hour. It was brutal. But even with the SNS, she still couldn't get enough milk and wasn't gaining weight. She dropped 20 percentile points on the growth chart. I grew increasingly despairing. Finally, we introduced the Haberman feeder, a bottle made for babies with feeding issues. It's been a life saver.

But now Magpie isn't so interested in the breast. And I am fighting recurrent blocked ducts and repeated bouts of mastitis. We are still working on it. I haven't given up, but for now it's an exclusive pumping relationship. And although I am incredibly grateful to be able to provide milk for her from my body, it is not at all what I imagined...

Isolation: I am a person who loves being alone. So when I thought about my maternity leave, I looked forward to it. I did not imagine feeling so cut off from others, almost as though I am under house arrest. Some of this, no doubt, is due to the fact that my family lives across the country. But the other part is that I am really stuck in a way I hadn't anticipated. It is hard to get out - especially as an exclusive pumper (for now, at least) with our relentless every two hour feeding schedule followed by pumping. Magpie takes about an hour to eat, and then my pumping takes a good 30-40 minutes (long, I know). And then with a diaper change and some burping, it is time to eat again. The heavy hospital grade pump is not transportable. And while it is wonderful and has made giving her breast milk possible, the hospital pump means that I have to be home every three hours minimum to pump during the day.

Fatigue: This one is a no-brainer, I suppose. And it was not unexpected. I am tired. Bone tired. I knew I would be. What I didn't realize is that I would be so bad at sleep deprivation. You hear people say all the time: sleep when the baby sleeps. Well, when Magpie is sleeping, yours truly is usually pumping. There's no sleeping here. And then at night, same drill, feeding followed by pumping. There is some sleep then, but very interrupted. Something like 1 or 2 hours of sleep followed by usually about 2 hours of interruption...it is not enough sleep for a geriatric mom like myself. So still trying to come up with a better plan for this, or a better way to handle this. Not sure how long it will be until it gets a bit better, because with the pumping I'm not seeing how I could sleep through the night, even if Magpie did. And right now, I wake her to feed over night a few times because her weight gain has been so problematic. But hopefully someday....somehow...sleep....it would be so nice.

So these are some of the tougher parts of new parenthood. Some expected, some not as much. Some of these things may seem trivial, and they are. I would go through anything to be able to parent Ms. Magpie. No questions even asked. But I wanted to be honest about the tough parts in addition to all the joys. In case it is helpful to someone else heading down the same paths.

Mo

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Long-term prognosis

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 16:17:00 +0000

In early November 2007, we miscarried our first pregnancy after our first IVF due to a double aneuploidy. We were completely blindsided by the loss, which happened after several strong heartbeats and a graduation to the obstetrician. A few weeks later, my husband Will received an email from our reproductive endocrinologist.

It read, in part:

"See you guys soon and have a nice Tgiving. Hang in there.

Mo's long-term prognosis here is fabulous. Remind her of this for me."

We printed the email and saved it. It ended up filed as part of my ever accumulating infertility-related medical records. Files that I am piecing through and paring down today.

I've thought of this email many times in the past five years and my reaction to it has varied.

At first, I was so moved that the RE took the time to be sympathetic and encouraging to us. I clung to his words as I grieved our loss: Our long-term prognosis is fabulous. I formed the words again and again in my mouth. Words that meant everything would be ok. We would be parents soon!

I returned to his words after our second miscarriage and took comfort in them.

And after our third miscarriage.

By the fourth, fifth, and sixth miscarriages, I had become increasingly bitter about the email. What kind of freaking fabulous prognosis was this?! Seriously? This was fabulous? Because our reality seemed dismal and our future prospects increasingly hopeless to me. It felt like false hope had been offered. The words now felt extra cruel because I had fiercely wanted to believe them for so long, although I knew the email had been written with the best of intentions.

Will and I even began wryly alluding to the email with each other in a dark-humored, angry kind of way. We needed this "fabulous prognosis" like we needed holes in our heads.

And then pregnancy number seven. Which somehow...kept...continuing. Even when we couldn't imagine that it would. All the way to a delivery. All the way to Magpie.

And now she is here.

She is sleeping in the other room. I tear up just realizing the incredibleness of it. Of her.

And so it turns out that our long-term prognosis was fabulous after all. What I had failed to appreciate was the word "long-term." I would never have imagined how long-term it would be.

But five years later here we are.

What a difficult journey it has been.

Amazing. Unexpected. She is here.

Mo

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Almost 6 weeks update on Magpie

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Time keeps passing so quickly - the day a constant whir of feeding and burping and pumping and soothing - all as it should be, but not leaving much time to even think about posting. I will try to get in at least little posts rather than have so much time pass.

So, to begin with: Ms. Magpie. She is delicious. She will be six weeks old on Tuesday at 11:39pm. Hard to believe. She is making lots of eye contact now and debuted her social smile last week, becoming more and more practiced at it as the days go by. We don't have any pictures of her smiling yet, but I'll post one as soon as we capture one. She is also starting to track objects. Just this morning she looked at a toy overhead and both followed it with her eyes and turned her head toward it. I know, I'm the mom, so I'm biased, but I was very impressed!

So far, Magpie is a petite girl. We have had significant feeding issues since her birth that merit their own multiple posts, but basically, she still is not able to get much milk directly from the breast, although she enjoys hanging out there (which I appreciate!). She also was not able to suck sufficiently to get enough milk from the supplemental nursing system that was introduced to us by lactation consultants (a tube that I tape to my breast so she can nurse and get additional milk at the same time). She would try and then would fall asleep. I would wake her and we would try to continue...the whole thing would take over an hour. She was exhausted; I was exhausted. And for a few weeks there, she was not gaining much weight.

Finally, the pediatrician called a halt to the madness (I think she was sick of seeing us week after week). And then, based on the ped's call, the lactation consultant we've been working with recommended we try the Haberman bottle. It's a bottle made for babies with significant feeding issues. And it still requires her to suck to get the milk...but she is able to drink it successfully now. We've also made the amount she has to drink smaller (60 ml) and are giving it to her more often (every 2 hours during her 16 hour "day"; then 2 feeds 4 hours apart overnight). This seems to be working. It takes her about 45 minutes to drink the 60 ml, but she can do it. And for the first time, she gained what the pediatrician says is acceptable.

So at a day shy of 6 weeks, Little Miss Petite now weighs 8 pounds 15 ounces...up from her birth weight of 8.1 pounds.

It's hard to say what her temperament will be like because she's so little, but so far she seems to be a very easygoing and mellow little girl. She doesn't cry very much (hopefully I'm not cursing myself by writing that!). She loooovvveeeesss to sleep, especially when it's time to eat (the doctor thinks this is partly because eating is so exhausting for her). She also loves to look around and take in everything around her. She likes tummy time, she loves to nurse (even if it is just for comfort), and she loves to look into people's eyes. She hasn't really noticed Moxie yet...still waiting for that to happen!

Mo

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Gratitude, in pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 15:16:00 +0000

This year, we have much to be thankful for. A thousand moments already in the past month.

We are so thankful

for this

and this

in Grandma's arms

and this moment.

Overjoyed.

First bath

Humbled.

First bath, looking at Daddy

So grateful.

Sleeping in Mommy's arms

For her.

Mo

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Newborn pics

noreply@blogger.com (Mo and Will) — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 15:38:00 +0000

Here is Ms. Magpie, still in the hospital at three days old. We think she is beautiful.

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