Let's Panic!

November 17, 2011: Let’s Panic and Clorox, part 2

Alice — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 21:48:58 +0000

This week we’ve got another Clorox-sponsored post for you, and it’s so very clean! Funny but also clean! SO CLEAN YOU GUYS.

Sorry, we’ve been breathing in some fumes. We won’t say which kind. (Hint: the clean kind.)

While we (literally) take a breather, why not sit back and enjoy our new post, which comes with video #2 with Bethenny Frankel? She was lovely company, but not once were we offered one of her famous cocktail mixes. So what if it was 11 am, Bethenny? So what?

Hobnobbing with Clorox

Eden M. Kennedy — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 17:18:23 +0000

How long would it take before we were enticed onto the Good Ship Sponsored Post, you might have been asking yourself. And now you have your answer: 30 months. This web site has existed since June 2009 and it took until October 2011 for Big Cleaning Product to court us for our momtastic wisdom. In the first of several (four, we think?) videos, come experience us listening quietly to Bethenny Frankel talk about trying not to cry over spilled breast milk. It is a lesson in forgiveness for us all!

JUNE 22, 2011: WE ARE SO BACK

Eden M. Kennedy — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 17:22:03 +0000

We have traveled many lands. Seen many people. Read many parts of our book. Eaten all kinds of room service.

Do you have a copy of our book yet? Of course you do. Don’t be silly. It’s in your hands right now. Or, no, you’re driving to the store! You should probably stop reading this.

We want to give a special shout-out to Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, Burlingame, Chicago, and, finally, Minneapolis. You came to our readings, and for that we will never forget you.

The rest of you can go screw yourselves.

Ha, ha! But we are only joking. That’s what we do! It’s kind of our thing. If we could have gone to every city in the entire world, know that we would have, maybe. Within reason. Look. We got tired. We are mostly human. I mean only. ONLY human.

Not only are we back, but look, we have new content for you! Just in time for the first day of summer, here’s our handy guide to Summer Camps. We’re not talking about day camps. Those are for chumps. To us, the only true summer camp is the one where you send your kid and you don’t see him for a good, long time. You don’t see him until you remember that you do love him after all. THAT kind of camp. Where memories are forged! Wedgies are administered! CAMP!

In conclusion: camp.

MARCH 3, 2011: THE BOOK IS OUT!

Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 17:09:29 +0000

It’s been out for two days! Oh my God, what are you waiting for? Go buy one right now! RUN!

Or, you know, click!

January 21, 2011: A New Memoir by a Recently Freed Fetal Captive!

Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 17:23:18 +0000

It’s not often that a person retains the memory of a previous life once they get on this side of the uterine wall, but that’s exactly what Josiah “Bucky” Warshaw was miraculously able to do. A former U. S. Marine, Brigadier General Warshaw’s iron will and extensively trained memory allowed him to retain every trace of his prenatal journey, from his unexpected passing in a Fort Bragg fast-food restaurant to his reemergence as a bouncing baby girl, currently being held living with her family at a military base somewhere in Nova Scotia. Tapping out her remembrances on a specially designed Speak & Spell at the age of fourteen months, General Warshaw continues to be a hero for our–and all–time, which is an illusory concept that doesn’t really exist, much like matter, space, and possibly Santa Claus.

Read an excerpt of Bucky’s memoir here!

January 17, 2011: BOOOoooOOOOOoooo!

Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 15:42:58 +0000

You guys are not going to believe this, because you have a firm grasp on reality, but we received a ghost-submission last night! Alice was awakened in her bed-chamber by an overpowering funk of rotting magnolia blossoms, and when she pulled back the bed-curtains, she beheld none other than the ghost of Edwina Williams, Tennessee Williams’ mother. Of course she didn’t know who Edwina Williams was, which didn’t really start their relationship on the best footing. Edwina was quite put out and spent a lot of time boo-hooing into her spectral hands and stomping her spectral feet until Alice made up a story about needing her glasses to properly identify a ghost she would otherwise know in a moment. When she doesn’t even wear glasses! That’s how you humor a ghost, friends!

At any rate, once the apparition was appeased, she informed Alice that the Let’s Panic email inbox would be visited by a document that must be published, or else. “Or else what?” Alice inquired, but Edwina was too busy rattling her chains and rouging her incorporeal cheeks to reply. “It’s an excerpt from my new boooooOooooOOOOooook!” she wailed, before disappearing in a puff of smoke/talcum powder.

So here, without further ado, is Why Borderline Hysteric Southern Mothers are Superior. Her title, not ours!

DECEMBER 10, 2010 A Little Pineapple for What Ails You

Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 19:15:32 +0000

Pregnant women, we’ve been told, don’t want to laugh at themselves. So we developed Let’s Panic About Babies! to fulfill a pregnant woman’s need to not laugh at herself, but at other pregnant women. Stretch marks! Varicose veins! Mysterious discomfort! Hilarious when they’re happening to anyone but you. This week, we take a hard-hitting look at the terrible misfortunes that accompany the most delicate condition of baby-having-itude and we combat them with cold, hard facts. That we made up.

Laughter has been scientifically proven to be the Best Medicine, so why not ask your doctor for a prescription for our forthcoming book? The side-effects are minimal, and it will take your mind off all the weird, uncomfortable, possibly pineapple-related things that are afflicting you right now.

November 12, 2010: BUY OUR BOOK OR WE’LL CRY

Eden M. Kennedy — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 02:04:17 +0000

No, of course we won’t cry if you don’t buy our book. We’ve already shed our tears — tears of gratitude for being chosen to channel the ancient, divine wisdom contained in Let’s Panic About Babies! All we’re offering you now is the opportunity to confer your acceptance of the truth contained in this slim volume by transferring a small amount of money from your bank account to ours. Is that too much to ask? We don’t think so. So go here for a preview of the knowledge to come, including a sample from our wonderful illustrator, Oslo Davis.

We thank you for your time and consideration.

NOVEMBER 6, 2010: IN WHICH WE DEFEND YOUR RIGHT TO PROCREATE

Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 21:43:25 +0000

Some people might think more mature ladies, or “cougars,” as they’re known in popular parlance (right? We’re really not “with it” on the latest vernacular) (“vernacular” is another word for slang”) (“slang” means “street talk”)…what were we talking about, again?

Sorry. Some people think older women shouldn’t have babies! That was our point. And we think those people are probably just jealous, or whatever. As long as you’re healthy and your doctor gives you the go-ahead, well, you can tell those people to cram it.

Look. In some parts of the country, you’re seen as weird if you don’t have a baby before you turn 25. In other parts, you’re an oddity if you have a baby before you’re 30. In still other parts, you’re run out of town for telling folks you don’t want to have a baby at all. And we won’t even get into what happens in other parts of the world. We’ve only heard rumors.

We’re here to tell you that you can have a baby whenever you like, however you like, in whatever part of your house you like. (Don’t forget to put a tarp down, though, if you choose the formal settee.) Are there more risks, having a baby just as you’re in the first flush of perimenopause? You betcha. We’ve outlined those risks for you, because we love you. Now hurry up and read, before you forget!

OCTOBER 29, 2010: BOO

Alice — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 02:52:31 +0000

Happy almost-All Hallow’s Eve! The day when spirits fly all around and try to invade your body and consume your sweet life essence! Don’t let them, dear readers!

One of the best ways to prevent possession is to wear a costume that is decidedly unsexy. Sexiness invites demons to muck around with your spiritual innards, as we all know. And unhappy ghosts hate virtuous historical figures! With that in mind, do we have some Halloween costume suggestions for you.

And in case you think this is a rerun of last year’s Halloween story, all we can say is that we’re pretty sure déjà vu is a symptom of spirits ingesting your soul. Better invest in some holy water!