You “deserve” anything you give so much as a passing thought to — and even stuff you may not have thought of at all.

If you want that new television, go ahead and buy it even if you can’t afford it! Don’t worry, they offer no-interest financing for 12 months. And by the time your first payment is due, maybe someone will magically offer to pay for it on your behalf. Same thing with the dream house that’s way out of your price range. You deserve it, so don’t take no for an answer

See that ridiculously oversized meal that’s new at Arb McWendkingway? All 4,000 calories of it? Get it, baby. You don’t need to sully your incredibly worthy hands by actually preparing a meal. And of course don’t worry about how unhealthy it is; you’re clearly entitled to excellent health no matter what you put into your body.

Oh, and that minor fender bender you were in a few weeks ago? The one that caused zero damage whatsoever? You deserve justice. Call your local ambulance chaser legal professional right away before someone else gets your money, because you are clearly the victim here.

By the way, you’re worth it. Whatever it is, you’re worth it.

You deserve everything, and if you don’t get what you want when you want it, you need to fight back against the people who are oppressing you. You are entitled, and you can’t let anyone take advantage of you by standing in your way.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s get real now.

Where did this concept of “deserving” things come from? If you don’t earn something, you don’t deserve it. Maybe we should share this brilliant insight with the parents who go after teachers for failing their cheating kids — and the principals and school boards who support those whackos. Or maybe we should share it with basically everyone in this country under the age of 65, at which point someone seems to have poured stupid juice into the US water supply to make us think we get something for nothing.

Wanting things does not entitle you to them, and acquiring things comes with consequences. If you want a McMansion, be prepared for a McMortgage. If you want a spouse, be prepared to work for a good relationship. If you want kids, be prepare to raise them. If you want a promotion at work, be prepared to go above and beyond, and stay there.

I heard some great insight for a former sales manager that really resonated with me. She talked about how she always taught her employees that making 100% of quota was the minimum expected of them, not something to toot their horn about. “100% is a C,” she said, “and if you want an A [raise, promotion, etc.], you have to do more that only what we hired you to do.”

In some ways, I think this entitlement thing is generational, but it’s a larger cultural issue. The buy-now-pay-later mentality that has become the basis of our [crumbling] economy has supported the expectation for instant gratification. There’s no delayed satisfaction anymore, no investment, no hard work. We see it in the insane upswing of lawsuits where before there wasn’t even a second thought. We see it the young employees who sulk if they don’t get a gold star every day for showing up for work, because that’s what they were accustomed to by an indulgent and ineffective school system. And we see it in advertising, which although never having our best interests at heart, is now blatantly preying on our baser instincts.

Where I think I see entitlement’s effect the most strongly is in self-esteem. Schools, entertainment, magazines, advertising — it’s all about having great self-esteem. Yet mysteriously no one seems to have it. Why is that? It’s because self-esteem is earned. It’s respect you have for yourself because of your character and your actions and your achievements. There is hardly a real achievement anymore; showing up is good enough. Every kid who plays in the league gets a trophy, because we’re all winners here. Everything must be inclusive at all times. And God forbid anyone deny you something you want, you’ll sue him.

If we want self-esteem, if we want to have nice things and satisfying relationships and a good education, we have to stop coasting. We have to stop falling back on this “But I deserve it, I’m worth it!” mantra. If you haven’t worked hard toward a specific goal you don’t deserve it. And you know it. That’s why so many people feel so empty inside, no matter how many material possessions they have — because what they really need is a sense of SELF-worth, and all they’re really building is shelf-worth.

Here’s my advice. Shape up. Or at least make sure that in all of your material pursuits (what you can fit in between your frivolous law suits, that is), you don’t purchase a mirror. You wouldn’t want to have to look yourself in the eye.

This is Part 2 of a 3-part rant. Read Rant Part 1: YES – If You’re Fat, You Need to Lose Weight

Example: More to Love, FOX Broadcasting Company, Tuesdays at 9ET/8CT

The official description from FOX:

Luke Conley is a 26-year-old former college football offensive lineman who stands 6′3″ and weighs over 300 pounds. He’s a successful sub-contractor and real estate investor who has his sights set on building a long-lasting relationship. Luke’s ideal woman is intelligent, passionate, down-to-earth, full-figured and comfortable in her own skin.

This eligible guy will have the chance to find the woman of his dreams when 20 voluptuous ladies vie for his heart. These unique women have careers ranging from waitress to teacher to lawyer to rocket scientist, but they all have one thing in common: They are also looking for love.

This brawny prince is searching for one curvy Cinderella to take on the romantic adventure of a lifetime. Throughout the course of his journey, Luke will wine and dine these women during romantic outings, where some will experience their first real dates. As Luke narrows the competition each week through emotional elimination ceremonies, he will be one step closer to finding the woman who is his perfect fit.

Watch the More to Love preview on YouTube

So apparently FOX thinks “real women” means fat women. And I guess I can understand that, because since well over half of Americans (64%!)  are overweight or obese according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC; source), it’s hard to find anyone, man or woman, who isn’t fat these days.

But here’s the thing: IT’S NOT GOOD TO BE FAT. It’s bad for you. And vilifying people who assert that overweight and obesity are bad while parading these poor women who clearly have zero self-esteem and would benefit from psychological intervention up in front of America isn’t doing anything to change that, nor could it. It’s just exploiting them and suggesting that viewers should feel sorry for fat people because they’re victims of a society that refuses to accept them. Um, no.

Show creator Fleiss was quoted at The Live Feed as saying, “We want to send the message that you can be the size you are and still be lovable. We aren’t going to thin these girls down so they can find love — that’s a backwards message.” I agree. But it’s not exactly a forward message to find the most emotionally unstable, fame-hungry single fat girls in America and splash them on the prime time screen with their height and weight superimposed for the world to see while they wail about their horrible lives. Nor is it a forward message to see these women pandering to this slimeball and his inappropriate, disrespectful behavior to stay on TV, as is the case with all of these awful dating shows.

I mean, seriously, what self-respecting woman of any size would want to get with a schmuck who goes on national TV to stroke his overinflated ego by having 20 insecure women compete for his favor while he attempts to get it on with all of them? I’m not the only one who thinks this is ridiculous, btw.

Ladies and gents, it’s time to stop believing this “you’re just fine the way you are” crap. (Not to mention the “having a boyfriend / husband / child will solve all of your problems for you” crap, but that’s another blog post that you can be sure will also mention this appalling show.)  If “the way you are” is obese or overweight, “fat acceptance” isn’t going to change the negative health consequences you will experience for most if not all of your life as a result of your weight. That is not fine.

Says the CDC (boldfacing mine):

Overweight and obesity may raise the risk of illness from high blood pressure, high blood cholesterol, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, certain types of cancer, arthritis, and breathing problems. As weight increases, so does the prevalence of health risks. The health outcomes related to these diseases, however, may be improved through weight loss or, at a minimum, no further weight gain.

Because of the importance of these issues, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services considers overweight and obesity among the 10 leading health indicators in Healthy People 2010, the health objectives for the Nation. The potential benefits from reduction in overweight and obesity are of considerable public health importance. (source)

The CDC summarized the results of a comparison of the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES; boldfacing mine again):

• The percent of obese adults varied little from 1960 to 1980 but increased considerably between 1980 and 1991, from 13 to 21 percent among men and from 17 to 26 percent among women. This trend continued in 1999–2000, with an increase in obesity of 28 percent of men and 34 percent of women.

• The percent of adults with healthy weights declined approximately 10 percent from 1960 to 1994, with an additional decline of approximately 8 percent from 1994 to 2000. (source)

So in case you missed the point, being fat is bad for you, and the proportion of Americans who are fat is climbing significantly. Weight is not an issue of your value as a human being, but it may be an issue of how you value yourself as a human being and how much you value the well-being of the people in your life who will be affected by your being overweight or obese. It’s selfish not to do something to solve problems that are under your control, and it’s arrogant to expect the world around you to accommodate your failure to act.

I do not hate fat people. I do not blame people with legitimate medical issues that affect how their body metabolizes appropriate portions and types of food for their overweight or obese condition, who are a small number of the large and growing overweight/obese population in the US. But I also do not accept that people who are overweight or obese (or, for that matter, smokers, alcoholics, drug addicts, and other people who make life choices that hurt them and the people around them) do not have to take responsibility for themselves.

I’m not judging whether you’re a decent human being, nor, as show creator Fleiss suggests, whether you’re “lovable.” I’m saying that if you’re doing something that makes you unhealthy or less healthy, you should knock it off and straighten out your priorities. Would you rather be alive and health, or would you rather be an indignant victim? I’d pick alive and healthy, but maybe that’s just me.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

Why being married reduced me to a quivering ball of sobs throughout Gone With the Wind

Although I’ve read GWTW probably 10 times or more and seen the film even more than than, I never truly appreciated the heartbreaking dynamic of Rhett and Scarlett’s relationship. They were each so afraid of being hurt by the other that they never really allowed themselves to love fully — and thus hurt one another over and over again. The two parts that really got me were when Scarlett told him she didn’t want to have any more children (and, thus, never to have sex with her husband again, as she made abundantly clear immediately after that annoucement) and the morning after he sweeps her up the stairs and ravages her.

In the first, she’s being a petulant child. But the moment that wrenched something deep inside me was just after Rhett regained his composure following that statement. He told her he’d go elsewhere to meet his needs, sloshed some whiskey into a glass, and flung the tumbler at a life-size portrait of Scarlett after taking only a sip, clearly beside himself. And she simply didn’t care. I’m not sure which was harder to watch: her lack of real reaction to his obvious pain, or the extent to which that proclamation, that the woman he loved no longer wanted to make love to him, shook him to his core. I burst into tears.

In the second, Scarlett awakes in the best mood we’ve seen her in, reveling in the memory of the passionate night that preceded. She’s positively joyous, and is delighted to see Rhett when he approaches her bed after Mammy takes away the breakfast tray. Her adoration reads clearly on her face, but he, presumably expecting the venom he’s become accustomed to receiving, remains stoic and announces that he’s leaving and taking their daughter with him. Rather than declare her love for him, Scarlett, whose face has fallen, decides to put up a wall and acts like she doesn’t care. It’s clear, though, how much Rhett’s departure devastated her when he returns and her face lights up. “Mammy said you’d come back,” she tells him. But she is again devastated when he announces that he’s returned only to drop off their daughter and will be leaving again immediately. That, compounded with her tumbling down the majestic stairs only moments later, left me sobbing for the duration of the movie.

Following Scarlett’s accident, Rhett is bereft with guilt and regret. He longs for Scarlett to call him to her bedside so he can apologize and make things right, but she never does because she fears he won’t come — and he won’t go without her calling for him because he feels she must hate him and would reject him yet again. This was, for me, the ultimate tragedy of the story. Two people, desperately in love with one another, lock themselves into a lifetime of hurt because they’re too afraid of being hurt by the other to reach out for the happiness they could both have. It isn’t until the end of the film that Scarlett finally realizes what a fool she has been, but by that time she has hurt Rhett so deeply that he can’t even begin to forgive her, and leaves. As he disappears into the fog despite her pleas, she staggers to the monumental staircase and collapses in tears.

Watching this whole scenario unfold, I found myself wondering, Have I ever pushed my husband away like that for fear of his rejecting or disappointing me? Has he ever done the same? I think that self-protective, but ultimately self-destructive, action happens in most relationships to some extent. And like Scarlett and Rhett, those doing it don’t truly realize the affect they’re having on their spouse, themselves, and the marriage. The thought that I could have ever done that to someone I love, or that I may in the future, was so utterly awful, regretful, and earth shattering that I couldn’t contain myself. And the further thought that people around me every day are doing this foolish, foolish thing instead of simply embracing the one they love made me even more emotional.

How personal loss dramatically changed my reaction to a film I’ve seen over and over

Once the danger has passed and Scarlett is on the road to recovery, their young daughter dies in a horseback riding accident. (Sorry if I’m ruining this for anyone, but seriously, the movie is 70 years old. Get with the program.) Rather than cling to one another in their grief, they break apart even further. Mammy recounts the fight that ensued, wherein Scarlett called him a murderer and demanded that Rhett give her back her baby “what you killed.” That was emotional enough, but the part that got me, that left me in near hysterics for a good 45 minutes after the film ended, was what happened next. Rhett locked himself in the nursery with Bonnie’s body, refusing to allow the funeral to take place. His reason? He wouldn’t let anyone bury his child under the ground because she was so afraid of the dark.

Despite my familiarity with both the text and the screen versions of the story, I had forgotten that line. If I’m being honest, I think I may have blocked it out. Hearing it last night flashed me back to an afternoon six years and four months ago as I sat beside my father on the couch in the living room of the house where I grew up. He was holding a small flashlight in one hand a two AA batteries in the other, and he looked absolutely lost. My brother’s body was to be buried the next day, and the funeral home had informed us earlier that morning that although we could certainly put whatever we wanted in the casket, we couldn’t include any batteries because they would eventually release their acid into the soil.

Hours later, my father deteriorated into a much smaller person than I have ever seen him, before or since. His more than six-foot frame looked whisper-thin as he slid the batteries out of the flashlight body into his calloused palm. “Without the batteries,” he rasped, voice breaking, “how will he be able to see? He’ll be all alone in the dark.” He nearly fell to the floor as his body convulsed with grief. I felt helpless, and couldn’t shake the thought not of the dark, but of the eventual breakdown of the casket that held my brother’s body, the sound of the dirt first trickling and then collapsing onto what remained of him as it all turned back into dust. Because if that wasn’t inevitable, then batteries wouldn’t matter — they’d be contained by the satin and wood with no way to get out into the ground.

Although it has faded over time, made its appearance less frequent, that image of my father broken on the couch has never truly left me. It returned to my mind with such force last night that it knocked the wind out of me. When I heard that line about Bonnie being afraid of the dark and then saw Rhett Butler crouching beside his daughter’s lifeless body in the nursery, silhouetted in the candlelight, my visceral response was so strong that I nearly vomited. Previously, I’d had no point of reference. Now, it’s all too personal. I cried just as hard last night as I did on learning of my brother’s death, and I cry again now as I type this, so hard I can barely see the screen.

__

I’m not sure I’ll ever watch Gone With the Wind again, nor pick the volume off my shelf. I genuinely don’t know if I will be able to handle it. But I’m glad I watched it last night, glad I let myself cry and process rather than what Scarlett was so famous for: putting it off until tomorrow and burying difficult and unpleasant emotions. That doesn’t mean, though, that I’d ever want to go through it again.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

Dear Rude Boy:

If you hadn’t crashed into my sister-in-law and me multiple times in the wave pool this weekend, I wouldn’t have said anything. I know what it’s like to splash around and have fun with your friends, and sometimes you get distracted and bump into someone. I get that. But when you do it repeatedly despite the fact that we’ve been consciously moving away from you, and then I see you kick a little girl in the head while you’re trying to drown your pal, it’s not inappropriate for me to do what I did.

As I’m sure you remember, the next time you came splashing toward me with no regard for the people around you, I put my hand on your back and straightened my arm to keep you from knocking me over (again). As I’m sure you’ll also remember that my exact words to you when you turned around, aghast, were, “You guys need to be more aware of your surroundings, okay? You’ve crashed into us multiple times.” 

Now, what I expected you to do after that happened was to say, “Oh, sorry,” and move somewhere in the pool where there were less people. Imagine my surprise when you shot me a look before moving closer to your friend and looking pointedly at me while acting like you were talking to him and snarled, “How about if people don’t like it they move the hell out of the way.” 

Here’s the thing, kiddo: We did move out of the way — more than once. And you and your pals were so self-involved that you basically terrorized the entire rear half of the pool for more than an hour.

How would you have felt if someone had continually knocked your girlfriend (you know, the too-young-for-you, scantily clad girl you were hanging on and salivating over when you weren’t crashing into other swimmers?) down in the pool and then, when she asked him politely to stop, he not only didn’t apologize but then made snarky comments and glared at her? I’m guessing a fight would likely have ensued, with you as the aggressor.

I get the impression that you were trying to impress your pals with your devil-may-care, no-one-tells-me-what-to-do attitude and show them how manly you are, but in actuality, you really just acted like a petulant 4-year-old who, frankly, needed a time out and was way overdue for a spanking. Not cool, young man, not cool at all.

I’m not sure what you were so afraid of, or why it was so completely off the table for you to simply acknowledge what the problem was and stop doing it, but this style of handling conflict does not bode well for your future relationship, or for your girlfriend. If you’re so concerned about what your homies or crew or whatever the word is these days think about you that you completely overlook basic manners and decency, I shudder to think how you’d behave if there were some kind of serious conflict, or perhaps if your girlfriend disagreed with you. 

Was I threatening your masculinity by asking you not to run into me repeatedly in a large body of water? Did I emasculate you by asserting my right not to be assaulted by inconsiderate strange males in public places? Were you concerned that my request that you respect my personal space would cause a lightbulb to go on in your girlfriend’s head, leading to her ultimately standing up to you when you pull your undoubtedly common immature crap?

Man up, little boy. Real men don’t need to behave like big weenies in order to feel manly. They don’t avoid admitting it when they screw up or to treating women with respect for fear of losing street cred. And they don’t hang out with people who would consider taking responsibility, being polite, and demonstrating respect as weaknesses.

I hope you seriously consider everything I’ve said. It will save you a lot of trouble in the future. Honestly. Give it a shot: Grow up.

Oh, and by the way, if you touch me again, I’ll have you thrown out of the park.

Love,

Kristen 

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

(photo credit: Marcelo Terraza)

• “Just because someone has a lesson to learn doesn’t mean you have to teach it to him.”
• “Do what needs to be done when it needs to be done the way it needs to be done whether you feel like doing it or not.”
• “When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.”
• “Never stop being your husband’s girlfriend or wife’s boyfriend.”

Particularly as I’ve been trying to improve my marriage to a wonderful man whom I adore by making changes to myself, I’ve realized that these brilliant recommendations apply in so many areas. How could you put them to use?

“Just because someone has a lesson to learn doesn’t mean you have to teach it to him.”

Who Said It: My mother-in-law (DH’s mom)

What It Means: Let’s face it: Some people are just jerks, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But most of the time, folks aren’t trying to be mean, annoying, inconsiderate, etc. When they do the things that drive you nuts or make you cringe, they’re just oblivious to the fact that their actions are wrong, inappropriate, or otherwise disquieting. While it sure would be nice to believe that your saying something about it would solve the problem, chances are that ain’t happening. So unless you’re in imminent danger, let it go.

Where You Can Use It: Everywhere. Whether it’s the driver who cut you off in traffic or the spouse who never manages to get his/her clothes into the hamper, is it really worth ruining your day? Some things just aren’t that important. Clearly if that guy is driving so fast he has somewhere very important to be. And clearly you care more about the little details of laundry aim than your partner does — so get out of the way and pick the clothes up yourself.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: I believe that we were created in God’s image (Gen 1:26,27), and the Bible tells us that He is a lover of justice (Ps 37:28) who feels hurt in his heart when he sees bad things happening in the Earth (Gen 6:5,6). So if we were made to mirror his qualities, it’s only logical that we would also feel hurt and even indignation when we see wrongs being committed around us, however minor. The big difference is that where God can see what’s in people’s hearts, we can’t — so it’s not up to us to make decisions about other people’s intentions or “teach them a lesson” when we don’t like something they’ve done. (This, of course, does not apply to things that are dangerous or illegal, in which case we have a moral obligation to speak up, but that still doesn’t mean we have to do the teaching. We can stop at the calling-the-police. It also doesn’t apply to providing your children with appropriate loving discipline and guidance. But you knew that already.)

“Do what needs to be done when it needs to be done the way it needs to be done whether you feel like doing it or not.”

Who Said It: My mom

What It Means: Your mood at any given moment does not negate your responsibilities and obligations. Whether you meet those responsibilities and obligations happily or grumpily is irrelevant so long as you meet them. Being tired, frustrated, sad, tired, whatever, does not constitute an excuse for bailing out on your life. So suck it up and take care of business.

Where You Can Use It: At home and at work. So what if you slept poorly last night? Your employer has to pay you either way, and it’s your obligation to do a good job because that’s what you were hired for. So what if you and the hubby had an argument about something? It’s still your obligation to make dinner, clean up, do laundry, take care of the kids, etc. Feelings are feelings, not Get Out of Jail Free cards. Don’t treat them as such. Be mad, be sad, be tired all you want — but do what you’re supposed to do.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: When we’re constantly bombarded with messages in the media, in popular culture, and from so-called experts telling us that we “deserve” some “me time” or “a break” or “more from life” or “free money” or any number of other things that just sound so nice,  it’s easy to get caught up in a me-centric view of life that overlooks the importance and value of our responsibilities to others. That includes our responsibilities to our families, our communities, and our employers. Newsflash: Regardless of the type of relationship you’re in, it’s not about “me” — it’s about the other person/people and “we.” I don’t care if you think it would be easier to throw that candy bar wrapper out the window while you’re driving; stick it in your pocket until you find a trash can. I don’t care if you had a bad day at work; put on your big girl panties and be a pleasant, decent person when you get home. Clean your house even if it doesn’t thrill you. Make a nutritious dinner for your family even if you’re not in a good mood. Get over the mistaken notion that everything in your life must be perfect at all times or you get to check out. It doesn’t work that way.

“When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.”

Who Said It: Blog reader ClumberKim in response to the post Are You the Kind of Spouse You’d Like to Be Married To?

What It Means: The only thing more annoying than a person who’s right all the time is a person who’s right all the time and wants to make sure you know it. In a very close second is the person who refuses to ever admit when he’s wrong. The reason these people are so obnoxious is that it’s all about them and never about the solution or making peace. (Note: I have been one of these people and am currently breaking out of that pattern.) When you screw up, admit it and move on. When you’re right about something, don’t lord it over the person who was wrong.

Where You Can Use It: At home, at work, and in public. No one likes admitting that he’s wrong or that he made a mistake, but it’s even harder and more uncomfortable when the person he has to admit it to is smug and condescending. Whether your coworker made an oversight that you caught or your spouse made a poor judgment call about something, the last thing he or she needs is to feel like even more of a dolt when you rub his or her face in it. Just say, “Okay,” and move on. And if you’re the one who’s caught in a gaffe, fight the instinct to be defensive, accept the correction, and keep going forward. This also goes for inadvertently bumping into a stranger, causing or being victim of a fender bender, or giving or receiving incorrect change. See a resolution, not restitution or revenge.

A note on infidelity in marriage: I believe that adultery is the only scripturally acceptable reason for divorce (Matt 19:9, 5:32; see the post Biblical Divorce: What Does the Bible Really Say About Marriage and Divorce? for more on this topic). However, it is not a scriptural mandate for divorce. If your spouse strayed outside the marital relationship, but has stopped the affair and is genuinely contrite and committed never to do so again, it’s the innocent spouse’s perogative to continue the marriage or  seek a divorce. The reason this is relevant is that if the innocent spouse decides to forgive the adulterous one and remain married, he or she does not get to bring up the infidelity as a constant albatross around the mate’s neck. When you accept someone’s apology, you’re agreeing to put what happened in the past. Being right or being wrong  and previous mistakes are far less important than what both partners can do to strengthen the marriage in the present for the future. This applies to any mistakes your spouse may have made, but I think it’s worth noting that accepting the heartfelt apology of an unfaithful spouse is not license for the faithful spouse to use the error as a weapon for the duration of the relationship.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: I’m the first to admit that there’s a certain feeling of elation, gratification, and validation that comes with being right. Likewise, there’s a certain shame and embarrassment that accompanies being wrong. When we’re so caught up in those feelings within ourselves, it’s easy to forget about the feelings of the other person. But just as you don’t like it when other people pull the “Neener, neener, neener” card when you’re wrong or get petulant and angry when you’re right, they feel the same way about you. Don’t be a baby. Consider the feelings of others.

“Never stop being your husband’s girlfriend or wife’s boyfriend.”

Who Said It: Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger (a paraphrase)

What It Means: Back when you and your spouse were just dating, I’m willing to bet that you were sweet and charming and complimentary and well groomed/dressed and happy to compromise and put his/her feelings first pretty much all the time. That comes with the territory of trying to win someone over. But have you “let yourself go” since you snagged the officially, ring and all? That’s when people start to lose that lovin’ feeling — because they stop doing the things that made their partner fall in love with them in the first place. But what do you think would happen if you recreated those courting behaviors with your spouse? Think about it. Or better yet, try it. Dr. Laura also advises people to “Choose wisely. Treat kindly,” and that advice goes hand-in-hand with this tip.

Where You Can Use It: Your marriage. That one’s kind of obvious. But not just in the privacy of your own home, where you treat your spouse like the king or queen you married. Do it when you’re out in public, too, holding hands like twitterpated teenagers. Do it when you talk to your friends and family, building up your spouse by talking about his or her good qualities. Do it when you’re alone, too, as you think about all the wonderful things your spouse has done for you and what you can do for him or her.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: Although there are any number of reasons it’s difficult to be your spouse’s girl-/boyfriend throughout your marriage, I think it comes down to two main sources:

1. Cultural reinforcement of the idea of the wife as a ball and chain and the husband as the bumbling idiot or emotionally unavailable rake, both of whom control their wives and demand constant sexual satisfaction; and
2. Lack of good models to demonstrate the equal dignity and beauty of spouses who each fulfill their respective roles with love and respect, both in our own homes as we grow up and in society as a whole.

When it’s increasingly challenging to find families that haven’t been divided by divorce, often for reasons like “irreconcilable differences” (which I believe is a cop-out, incidentally), most people have no clue what a functional marriage looks like. And those who think they might have been so jaded by militant feminism (men are the enemy) and an entertainment industry (men are sex fiends and players) that paints men as womankind’s biggest oppressors that they wouldn’t know functional if it hit them over the head.

Newsflash: Flirting with your husband is a good thing, ladies. So is shaving your legs and wearing cute nighties to bed instead of letting yourself turn into the ogre under the bridge once you’ve snagged your man. These are not manipulations or burdens — they are fun and loving and girlfriend-y things to do. And a guy who already has a girlfriend (and one who shares great married sex with him any time he wants it at that) isn’t likely to seek one elsewhere. Just a thought.

The same goes for guys. Tell your wife she’s beautiful, take her on a date, hold her hand on the couch, and be her man. Surprise her with something little like a candybar or a flower or even just a heartfelt “I love you” and a kiss on the cheek. When we feel treasured and cherished by our husboyfriend, we’re not going anywhere, either, and we won’t be led astray by the compliments of the attractive guy in the next cubicle at work because we have all the man we need or want at home.

That’s some of the best advice I’ve ever received. What about you? What advice could you share? And how could these suggestions transform your life?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

(photo credit)

I don’t mean to suggest that I’m downright evil, negligent, intentionally cruel, or unfaithful. Those things aren’t me. But unfortunately what I am or, what I hope I can say with a fair level of honesty, what I have been is extremely selfish and immature. Throughout our marriage, I have put myself first instead of my husband in my decision making and attitudes. I’m still married, so largely this has worked out okay, but it is decidedly not the way to be a good wife to your husband, and it certainly doesn’t endear you to him.

One way to look at it is that I lucked out in marrying a guy who loves me and is forgiving of my stupidity. And, my friends, I have indeed been stupid. Unfortunately, the other way to look at it is that my husband wasn’t quite so lucky. Here’s one example: I fight dirty. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any clue where I picked up that habit, but I’m not going to name names. I will, however, tell you what I’ve been doing. Instead of pursuing making peace when there’s a disagreement, I’ve been pursuing being right. And one of the easiest ways to be right is to make the other person wrong.

This is all fine and good when the other person is just a complete troll, as was the case with one commenter back when I wrote for b5media. In response to my post Little Girls Who Dress Like Skanks Grow Up to Be Woman Who Dress Like Skanks, a reader who used the handle “Private_Freedom” remarked in part, “I think you are either an unattractive woman, or you just want to play mini dictator on how people should dress and/or behave. …You need psychiatric help. I dunno, maybe your mother never breast fed you, in which case your brain would be around 10-20% smaller than normal…” (see the whole comment). In that case, I had no qualms about putting that guy in his place. Nor did I have an issue with smacking down on an Inkthinker reader who personally attacked me when I said I wasn’t interested in publishing his work. But there’s a time and a place for that kind of response, and it’s not when you’re dealing with the person you’re supposed to love most in the world.

It’s driven me crazy the whole time we’ve been together that when we had some kind of difference of opinion, my husband seldom “fought back.” I recently realized that’s because it’s a complete waste of time because I’m a real jerk. When I don’t think I can win, I have a tendency to make other people feel stupid enough to give up on their viewpoint and acquiesce to mine. Believe me, this hasn’t been intentional. But now that I’ve recognized it, I cringe when I think back at some of the incredibly stupid fights we’ve had.

Something else that’s occurred to me is that most of the time, when he sees things one way and I see them another, the fact that he doesn’t immediately come over to my way of thinking after I voice my viewpoint does not constitute a “communication problem” or him “not listening to me”; it simply means that he doesn’t agree. It’s not something to beat to death, to get frustrated about. It’s something to compromise over or let go. And I’ve never really been one for letting things go, frankly, which is something I’m working on, and will probably continue to work on for a very long time. Possibly forever.

I think the basic takeaway in this self-revelation has been that if I don’t turn something into an argument, it doesn’t become one. And very few things in life are worth arguing about. Including the stuff that I used to (and am trying so hard to stop) nitpicking about constantly, like the way the towels are folded or the way the dishwasher is loaded. Seriously, if it gets done, who cares? Well, I did, but what a waste of energy to spend time stressing over something so meaningless, and to make my husband miserable over it.

Husbands are not children to be mommied or punished, nor are they daddies or white knights to swoop in and cater to their little princess’ whim. They are the people we wives have chosen to spend the rest of our lives with, whose needs we have committed to placing ahead of our own, and for whom we have promised to sacrifice and compromise and work hard. But I don’t see those things happening around me. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so screwed up. When half or more of marriages end in divorce today, promiscuity is the new black, and it’s all about me, me, me, I think it’s easy to lose sight of what marriage is for in the first place. It’s a lifelong committment to complete your partner — not to sit around and wait for him to complete you.

Love is not a feeling you have, but the conscious choices you make and actions you take every day regardless of how you feel. (I’ve paraphrased this from something I heard recently that really resonated with me.) It’s also about doing the right thing whether it feels good or not or regardless of whether you want to. Love is sacrifice for the good of another. And sacrificing for someone you love is an honor and a privilege, not a burden, and you should behave in such a way that gives the role — and your spouse — dignity.

Nobody’s perfect, but I think this realization may have made me somewhat more lovable. I know for sure it’s made my husband happier for me to consciously be his wife and to consciously love him in this way. But I see so many people like me, people who are pushy and selfish and domineering and who either don’t see it or don’t care, and I feel bad for their spouses. I feel bad for my husband for having a spouse like that for so long, one whom you might now reasonably call only a “recovering shrew.”I look forward to the day that part of me is a distant memory.

Where is it coming from, this resentment toward marriage and spouses? And would you want to be married to you?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

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I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get the smell of dog urine out of concrete, but it’s neither fun nor easy. Concrete, as you know, is porous. Urine, as you also know, is a liquid. Liquid is just excellent at seeping into pores and staying there until it dries, leaving its lovely, lovely aroma behind.

Scrubbing helps, but doesn’t do the job completely. I’ve tried soaking the affected areas with pools of soapy water, bleachy water, vinegary water, straight vinegar, and Nature’s Miracle. Yet, my garage still smells like dog pee, and I’m running out of ideas.

I guess I should be proud, in a way, that the dogs have such superior problem-solving skills. They don’t like getting wet, so they stay inside but not actual inside. It’s good logic, if you’re a dog. I wish I had comparable strategic skills.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

Newsflash, all you so-called experts waxing eloquent on the news channels: Racism means discriminating on the basis of someone’s race. The races of the discriminator or discriminatee are completely irrelevant; any discrimination based on race is racism. That means that, gasp, if a Hispanic person makes discriminatory comments about a white person or group of people, it’s still racism.

Wanna talk about indignation? I find it completely absurd that we have nationally embraced the concept that only white people can be racists, and everyone else has to be “reverse racist.” How’s that for racism?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

Release of special edition Shepard Fairey ADOPT print will mark historic significance of the presidential dog adoption and help continue to raise awareness for pet adoption nationwide

LOS ANGELES – APRIL 10, 2009 – Adopt-a-Pet.com, North America’s largest non-profit pet adoption website, and Artist Shepard Fairey have hope and faith in the Obamas’ commitment to adopting a dog — so much so, that they have already created a special-edition ADOPT print to be released immediately after the adoption becomes official.

The only thing needed for Fairey to finalize the image is the presidential pooch adoption date, which will go on the dog’s tag, making the print a distinctive piece of pet adoption history.

“The day the Obamas adopt their new family member will no doubt be a historic moment for shelter animals everywhere,” said Adopt-a-Pet.com Spokesperson Dr. Pia Salk, who initiated the collaboration with Fairey. “It is monumental that the leader of our country will be setting an example by saving the life of a dog in need. This will send a strong message to today’s youth about the power that lies in our choices and the importance of giving back to those less fortunate. Their adoption will be a symbol of hope for not only shelter animals but for the country overall.”

In the same way the original Fairey ADOPT image was based on the red, white and blue Hope poster, this new edition is modeled after the Obama inauguration ‘history’ sticker that was released in regal shades of black and gold. The print will enable animal lovers to show their support and give back to the plight of shelter animals.

“Animal lovers of all political affiliations can join together and celebrate the historic date that the Obamas bring home the first adopted dog ever to inhabit the White House,” said Adopt-a-Pet.com Executive Director Abbie Moore. “This is truly a non-partisan issue, and we hope to see all Americans follow the Obamas’ wonderful example. The importance of this action simply cannot be overstated.”

For information on the print and to search for adoptable pets, go to http://www.adoptapet.com.

About Adopt-a-Pet.com

Adopt-a-Pet.com (formerly 1-800-Save-A-Pet.com) is North America’s largest non-profit pet adoption website, helping over 7,000 animal shelters, humane societies, SPCAs, pet rescue groups, and pet adoption agencies advertise their homeless pets to adopters for free. Adopt-a-Pet.com displays photos and descriptions of adoptable pets to over 1.5 million people seeking to adopt a pet each month, and is funded by the passionate pet lovers at Purina and North Shore Animal League America. Aside from being able to adopt a dog or adopt a cat, Adopt-a-Pet.com visitors may now also adopt a rabbit, horse, bird, reptile, amphibian, fish, farm-type animals and other small pets.

My breath stuck in my throat as I turned you over, bird, and saw the unfortunate angle of your neck. Snapped. Your eyes were still shining like the glass that misled you, but there was no flutter in your chest.

I don’t know how long you had lain there, bird, before I found you, but I’m glad it was me who discovered you on the cold concrete and not the dogs. I whispered an apology to your empty shell as I threw you over the fence, even though I knew you weren’t there.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King