tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566Wed, 06 Nov 2024 03:03:22 +0000It's not you. It's me. Really.http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com (these blues)Blogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-1203931828453439553Wed, 20 May 2009 20:49:00 +00002009-05-21T17:15:03.001-04:00"Never think someone will be there forever...forever is a long time and time has a way of changing things."~ Author unknownSo, on Monday I had my first group session as part of this new therapy I'm receiving (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT for short). I was skeptical going in because I've had many negative experiences in group settings. But, I was instantly comfortable and felt welcomed http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/05/to-think-too-long-about-doing-thing.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-2163481411176713380Mon, 18 May 2009 19:24:00 +00002009-05-18T15:28:28.663-04:00Tonight is my first group session that utilizes Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Nervous, excited. I was told by the group leader that I would be the only male in the class. I don't know how I feel about that, but only time will tell if it's either detrimental, helpful, or has no effect whatsoever.http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-your-mark-get-set.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-2344943890511697550Fri, 15 May 2009 02:34:00 +00002009-05-15T00:23:14.601-04:00"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life."~ Author unknownI start a new phase in my therapy on Monday - DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I'm nervous and kind of excited at the same time. From the intake interview I had on Monday, I could tell this http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/05/you-come-and-go-in-phases.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-8655505236968281356Fri, 08 May 2009 21:10:00 +00002009-05-08T18:12:35.791-04:00"I did not direct my life. I didn't design it. I never made decisions. Things always came up and made them for me. That's what life is."~ B.F. SkinnerSo the class I signed up for (Electronic Music Production) has been cancelled. I would assume it's because of lack of enrollment. Times are tough and people are holding on to their money. But all in all, I was really disappointed. I was all http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/05/life-is-not-rehearsal.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-5209496762304792363Fri, 01 May 2009 23:22:00 +00002009-05-01T20:05:19.602-04:00"We cannot change what we do not acknowledge."~ Dr. PhilMay has been officially designated by Congress as Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/05/oh-and-by-way.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-4337538714715363724Fri, 01 May 2009 22:08:00 +00002009-05-01T19:21:45.547-04:00"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."~ Author unknownFeeling OK today. Another Friday leading into another weekend that don't seem like weekends anymore. They're just like the rest of the days of the week, except I get to see my friends on these days.So, I took another step forward this week. I signed up for an http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/05/happiness-is-not-absence-of-problems.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-1569100685574698775Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:22:00 +00002009-04-29T17:35:01.417-04:00"Borderline, feels like I'm going to lose my mind."~ MadonnaThe Flaming Lips covering Madonna's Borderlinehttp://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/even-madonna-knows.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-727687440241700975Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:26:00 +00002009-04-28T12:38:58.581-04:00"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown."~ Author unknownI finally did something positive today, instead of looking backward that is. I took a step forward and registered for a class at a school in the city for Electronic Music Production. I've been playing music for most of my life - guitar, mostly - and I figure since I'm no really spending my time http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/what-saves-man-is-to-take-step.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-523235986808475869Sun, 26 Apr 2009 06:10:00 +00002009-04-26T03:02:18.823-04:00"And when they've given you their allSome stagger and fall, after all it's not easyBanging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."~ Roger Waters, Outside The Wall (Pink Floyd: The Wall)Again, it's been a while. Not much has changed. At least in terms of how I feel on a day to day basis. When I last posted, I made an emergency visit to both my psychologist and psychiatrist. I was near a http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/hey-you-out-there-beyond-wall-breaking.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-7885676083271198384Sun, 05 Apr 2009 04:51:00 +00002009-04-05T01:36:24.437-04:00"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."~ Author unknownI won't lie. I'm struggling. Not a day goes by when I don't cry at least once. I just want to be numb. You know, I've heard the term 'rock bottom' thrown around, usually associated with addicts and alcoholics, but I never knew what my rock bottom would be. I don't think you'll ever know, until you actually hit it. I, Joseph http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/its-so-hard-to-fight-when-youre-losing.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-6303665552074786527Fri, 03 Apr 2009 06:12:00 +00002009-04-03T03:07:39.570-04:00"We don't interpet things as they are. We interpret them as we are."~ Author unknownI wrote this poem in college. It was about a little boy enjoying the simplest pleasures of life, the truly important stuff. We could all take lessons from this 'fictional' subject of the piece. Well, I bring it here because the last line really caused quite a stir amongst my classmates because no one knew what to http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/sometimes-things-we-save-someday-they.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-3240052565734337595Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:15:00 +00002009-04-02T16:22:26.200-04:00"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."~ D. H. LawrenceThat was a horrible last entry. I was in horrible shape when I was writing that. These are the ups and downs I deal with daily. So frustrating.Sorry if I worried anyone. Seriously, I felt bleak and that's how I came across and it's scary when I http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/im-still-here.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-2579140288543771091Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:09:00 +00002009-04-02T07:18:12.813-04:00"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note."~ Gore VidalPlease someone help me, I'm not going to make it. I can't breathe through the tears. I have will have no more tears to cry. Someone save me. Please... I do not see a light. I do not see a future. I feel nothing but pain everyday and I can't take it anym9ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhttp://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/this-may-be-last-thing-i-ever-do.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-9039848417226798367Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:34:00 +00002009-04-01T23:54:48.190-04:00"Get busy living or get busy dying."~ Red, The Shawshank RedemptionI'm having a rough time. All this free time allows for too much thinking. Too much time to regret. Too much time to focus on the past that I can't do anything to change. Why do I find it so hard to move forward. Like, there are people, who, when they lose their job, are right back out their the next day looking for a new one. Me, http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/04/get-busy-living-or-get-busy-dying.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-6252831753817682806Sun, 29 Mar 2009 16:28:00 +00002009-03-29T12:57:22.117-04:00"Friendship is like a glass ornament, once it is broken, it can rarely be put back together exactly the same way."~ Author unknownI'm learning a very hard lesson about being too nice and too giving to people who claim to be your friend. Inevitably, it will come back to bite you in the ass when it comes time to ask something of them - that is when you will learn the true nature and depth of your http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/03/ending-is-better-than-mending.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-1072800859188756531Sat, 28 Mar 2009 08:25:00 +00002009-03-28T05:24:00.192-04:00"I froze before the keyboard. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. No poems, no prose, no words. The pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into your system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/03/what-if-there-are-no-coincidences.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-2893864538300433346Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:02:00 +00002009-03-27T13:48:25.085-04:00"Suicide is the remedy of pain."~ Matt HartmanI haven't written in a while as you can see. It's not for a lack of things going on I can tell you that much. I guess you could say that since February (my last entry) things in my life haven't been much better. In fact, I would say they probably got worse.I've been grapling with the thought of checking into a hospital. Yes, I have had fleeting http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/03/its-been-while-since-we-last-spoke.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-8557459721615856425Wed, 04 Feb 2009 05:39:00 +00002009-02-04T01:40:11.353-05:00"Sweet Lord is this my fate -To live my life in this state?Lord I know time goes slowI feel so alone, Sweet Lord."~ Feel So Sad, J. SpacemanI haven't gotten up from the couch since Sunday. I haven't showered since Saturday. I'm sleeping 18-20 hours a day, either on the couch, or in bed. I haven't been this 'way' in a long, long time. I'm wondering if it's the change in meds. I just tapered off http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/02/is-this-my-fate-to-live-my-life-in-this.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-5521324026599723658Fri, 30 Jan 2009 22:41:00 +00002009-02-04T01:37:12.406-05:00"Lord it's so hot, and my heart's bleeding.I ain't been with you and it's you I'm needing right now.Just want the water, I just want an ocean, an endless river to wash away all of my tears."~ All Of My Tears, J. SpacemanFeeling like total shit today. Woke up at 12. Went back to sleep at 1. Slept till 5. Took a shower in anticipation of going out. After showering, I cancelled my plans, now all I http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/01/head-full-of-shit.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-4467136278536140683Tue, 27 Jan 2009 23:00:00 +00002009-02-04T01:52:01.439-05:00Now that you know what BPD is and how it affects the lives of those who have it, let's get down to brass tacks. This blog is about me now, and how I've come to be how I am today. From childhood to now, and all the storminess and strife in between. But, not right now. I haven't showered in three days and I feel like I should actually leave the house for a little while today.It's supposed to snow http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/01/ok-now-that-you-know.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-5834962367018998094Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:15:00 +00002009-01-28T18:19:33.080-05:00"People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."~ Marsha Linehan, researcherTraits Involving Relationships» Unstable,chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting.» Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.Splitting: the self and others are http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/01/they-feel-agony-at-slightest-touch-or.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-1455810052092509799Sun, 25 Jan 2009 12:45:00 +00002009-01-28T17:24:29.277-05:00Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior. A pattern of http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/01/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-is.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7810464834977148566.post-5004738436551774128Sat, 24 Jan 2009 12:00:00 +00002009-01-28T17:22:18.483-05:00I rarely, if ever, discuss the psychiatric issues I've had in my life. Those that know me well do realize I have bouts of depression. I've been diagnosed since I was about 13. But, since then, I've noticed something else going on. I'm not just depressed. I have stormy relationships with women and friends, 'black and white' thinking, chronic feelings of emptiness and failure, impulsive and http://kicktheseblues.blogspot.com/2009/01/jumping-in-with-both-feet-first.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (these blues)0