SpinOff

Papa can you hear me?

2012-02-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

The only buzz kill worse than work is getting a phone call from your strange dad. No…I didn’t spell estranged incorrectly, I really did mean strange. Only after him losing his hair on the top of his head and growing the rest out to look like Xur from The Last Starfighter did I go from referring to him as my estranged dad to my strange dad. Go ahead and Google it, I’ll wait…welcome back. I don’t really consider myself unfortunate, unless I look in the mirror first thing in the morning, then I just consider myself an unfortunate hot mess and that’s really only due to the fact that the half eaten hot pocket I had the night before is stuck in my hair. The one I call my dad was there for at least thirteen years. That is more than I can say for my biological father. He left as soon as he found out my mother was pregnant. Apparently he ran fast enough to give Flo Jo a run for her money. What makes a dad become a dead beat dad, or as I like to call them, a “DBD?” Unfortunately when I say DBD, I sound the same as a retard with a speech impediment asking where the DVD section is at Wal-Mart. Like I said, I don’t feel unfortunate about it. I’ve had several failed relationships, a drinking problem, a drug problem, and ten plus years to help me work through it all. I could have gotten the same conclusion from a Magic 8 Ball and saved myself the drug problem. Anyway, like I said, I don’t think of myself as unfortunate in this category as I know some kids who have a DBD and the last time their daddy played with them they were still in his balls. Where am I going with all of this? I’m not entirely sure since I can’t seem to get Mapquest to guide me through this hot mess. Anytime I type in hot mess directions in Mapquest all I get is a picture of Lindsay Lohan. It all stems from my insane Facebook post about my dad calling and letting me know it was by accident. I didn’t mean for everyone to read that and think that I was soliciting sympathy. I thought the entire phone call was not only asinine, but funny as hell. Who really calls their kids and tells them it was by accident other than Courtney Love? I wasn’t trying to share my misfortune, just my hilarious travels through life. I wonder if Verizon would credit back those minutes on my plan.

Bono-No You Didn't

2011-08-31T14:03:00.000-06:00

This entire time I thought this blog was just updating itself. If anyone knows where the “Auto Update” blog settings are, please give me a holla.

Now I am not one to talk about people…at least to their face, I have manners, so I wait until they leave the room. With that said, I just have to “shit chat” for a moment. You know, chit chatting, but talking shit. I don’t know what ABC executive came up with this next season’s Dancing with the Stars cast, but he must have been high at the time. What….a joke. I normally don’t watch D.W.T.S., with the exception of season 10, which I had dubbed the “train wreck” season. Kate Gosselin, Pam Anderson and Shannen Doherty. A slut, a hoarder, and a bitch; I shouldn’t have to tell you which one is which. This next season, I fear, I will have to dub as the “handicap” season. No, I am not calling it the handicap season because of the gay/transgender aspect, although most people confuse gay for handicap. See: Perez Hilton. I am calling it the handicap season because of most of the cast. Let’s review.

Rob Kardashian. You’re probably thinking who? Don’t worry, so are the rest of us. You may know of his sisters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney (or the KKK for short) on Keeping up with the Kardashians, or as most call it, Keeping up with Kim’s Ass. He’s so handicap they don’t even let him on the show, but Bruce Jenner is on there all the time. If they won’t even let him on, but they will Bruce, then something is up. You can’t look at Bruce and not think handicap.

Kristin Cavallari. She’s in the same boat as Rob Kardashian for the “who the fuck are they?” factor. As a reality “actress” she was on the very well unknown show The Hills. She co-starred with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt which have been publicly named Herpes Simplex 1 and Herpes Simplex 2. You cannot spend six years with STD’s and not be handicap. To the D.W.T.S. hosts: I hope you brought some Summer’s Eve to clean that dance floor.

Chaz Bono. I love Chaz, mainly because his mother is Cher and I feel that she would love to hang out with me, but also because he puts it out there and is giving the GLBT community a good name. Let’s be honest though, he is new to this whole post op transgender thing and is probably still having issues in the bathroom. Does he sit, stand, or do the hokey pokey? I’m just assuming that he is still in the beginner stages and going to the bathroom is the equivalent of pissing in the wind.

Carson Kressley. Some of you may remember him from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. To me, he looks like what Justin Bieber will look like after puberty bitch slaps him in the face in about 30 years. Being compared to Justin Bieber in itself is a whole new level of handicap.

David Arquette. It’s David Arquette, enough said.

So as I prepare my popcorn and fire up my TV, I can’t help but wonder if ABC will be promoting this under its new title, “Dancing with the Tards.”

eau de toilette

2011-03-31T11:06:00.002-06:00

Is this thing still on? Holy shit it has been a long time since I have been on here. I blame my lack of adequate leg-muscle capacity, lingering baby weight, and easily located quantities of Ben & Jerry’s and vodka on maintaining this here bloggy thingy. Which roughly translates into I’m hella lazy, so deal with it.

Now, I’m not one to talk about people while they are still in the room. I wait until they have left to do it. It’s called manners; but somehow, I hope that this post finds that special someone who just can’t seem to put the perfume bottle down. Searching for her would take too much of my already limited time. That’s like Jesus posing nude for an art class because he isn’t busy these days. It seems that we have a little nugget who believes the term “the more the merrier” is directed at her and what, I can only assume, she believes to be perfume magic.

Why on earth would she perpetrate such a whammy? I only know that it is happening from the lingering scent in the hallway long after they’ve passed by. It’s pretty sad when you walk into the hallway and exclaim "OH!" and then back away into your office crying and asking, “Are you sure that is perfume and not tear gas? “

We’re not even sure how long it lasts. How can you gauge that? We can not just rely on our gut feeling, however substantial that gut may be, to get us through the hallway. Just when we think it’s ok to go out, BAM; there it is again and you find yourself writhing in pain curled up in the fetal position crying for your mother.

Whoever you are, I just want to know; did you marinate in it or just feel the need to douche yourself with it? Your perfume is giving me The Hives and The Asthma and no, the number of suicides resulting directly from your over indulgence has not been exaggerated. Put the bottle down and step away. Remember this little friendly piece of advice to people who wear perfume and cologne. Spray and walk away. That’s it. Spray it, walk through it and keep walking, don’t go back for more. My burned retinas will thank you.

Juiced

2010-09-15T14:29:00.001-06:00

Dear Super In-Shape Guy at the Gym,

We all noticed you bust a front double bicep as soon as you got into the gym. We also saw you piss all over that bench just incase anyone didn’t know it wasn’t taken. But do you really need to stand there pretending you are a Greek god? You’re blocking the aisle for the rest of us, get walking. You remember how to walk don’t you? It’s one set of knuckles in front of the other.

Okay, so if you’ve got it, flaunt it, I suppose, but would it really kill you when it’s just the TWO of us in the cardio area, to just keep your shirt on instead of going all Matthew McConaughey while running on the treadmill? In the words of Phil Foster, “…for the love of God, put on a fucking shirt.” You don’t see me taking my shirt off do you? (Collective sigh of relief) Not even when I’m hot from the alcohol. It’s called manners.

I understand that you think nobody wants you to keep your shirt on, and your pulsating veins demand our attention. But seriously, what in roid hell is going on with your arms and legs? Just looking at you makes my own veins all tingly. If someone touched one of your veins, I think it would touch them back. Sometimes, I get the distinct feeling your veins want to chat with me as you walk by.

Lastly, I find it amusing how you will attempt to lift more weight than usual when women come around. Just to let you know, you look constipated, and your pulsating veins are trying to tell you that it’s not a good look for you. Maybe you can’t understand them since the only way you seem to communicate is through grunts.

Much Love,

Guy Who’s Already Sweating After Walking Up The Stairs

Damages

2010-06-17T12:45:00.001-06:00

All in all, it hasn’t been a good week. Bad traffic, being late for work, mounds of homework and tests, a malfunctioning computer, and incompetent coworkers all made me a bubbling cauldron of hate. But more importantly for this story, the work bathroom has smelled like it had been over forty-eight hours since whoever used it last had last taken a dump and expelled whatever had died up there. It was asstastic.

Now…let me tell you the story of how I became blind in my right eye.

It hit me. My colon informed me with a sudden cramp that I needed to visit the little boy’s room. I gaily made my way into the back when I noticed that the bathroom was occupied. No big deal, I wasn’t in dire need of the restroom. No sudden wet, squeaky farts telling me that everything needed to go. So I waited…and waited…and waited. In fact, I waited so long, that I damn near forgot that I need to go until my bowels let me know on no uncertain terms that I needed to get in there. I made my way back there again, this time a little more hastily than before, and was thrilled to see that bathroom was open. As I entered the bathroom, I was met by a horrible, unearthly stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul mist quickly made its way through my nasal passage and began choking me. How could this be? Who would do such a thing? Maybe I’m the only one that believes you should have the utmost standards in bathroom etiquette at work. Sometimes, you should just take that *shit* home and wreck your own bathroom.

I was stuck. There was no stopping me. I couldn’t just slam my sphincter shut for the rest of the day and call it good. I had to go. As I trekked deeper into the bathroom, I surveyed the damage that was left. It looked as though something had actually recoiled out of the toilet bowl and ran down the side to the floor. Tears involuntarily began to run down my face from the burn. As I continued to survey the disaster, I noticed that the toilet paper dispenser was dreadfully low. The user before me used a considerable amount of paperwork for his supernatural elimination. Was it too low? Will there be enough? I had to take my chances. The subtle rumble of my insides were telling me, “Any longer, and we will be having a clearance sale. Everything Must Go!”

I proceeded with my business. My eyes were burning and the tears were rapidly flowing down my face. Sounds of suppressed gagging and retching filled the bathroom. I could not take much more of this. I had to escape, and soon. I gripped the toilet paper dispenser with one hand and braced myself against the side of the wall with my other hand and pushed with everything I had. I was finally rewarded with comfort and knew that I was almost out of there. I used up what was left of the toilet paper and whoever said “less is more” was not kidding. I should receive a medal for being able to do a full clean up with only having half the materials to do it with.

I quickly washed my hands and noticed that the mirror was being faded out by the haze left over from the previous occupant. I was failing to realize that the burn from the mist was doing more damage to me than just causing me to cough and gag. I ran out of there and as I exited the bathroom, I realized that the blur caused by the mist was not clearing up. Could it be? Did that green haze damage me for life? As I continued on, I ran into another co-worker, literally, since I could no longer see out of my right eye. With fear etched into my face, all I could say to her was…“Gotta go… horrible… throw up…in my mouth… not… make it… tell my family… love them… oh God…”

And this, my friends, is how I lost vision in my right eye; my good eye.

I Pity The Fool!

2010-05-18T13:35:00.006-06:00

Can I just say that moving is possibly the worst thing in the world besides Crystal Pepsi? What happened to the good old days of feeding a starving student and having all of your shit moved by the time you got the kitchen cleaned up? Anyway, we have been moving and without our satellite TV for almost a week now. I really haven’t been sad about this since I have my wonderful Western Digital TV Live box which allows me to stream right from my computer or the internet. It. Is. Spec-tac-u-lar! I think Mike is dealing with it pretty well; although, I did find some claw marks on the old remotes and sometimes hear crying at night during what would have been “Glee viewing time.” Just kidding. Mike seems to be doing really well with this no-more-tv-ness style we have going. Maybe this would give you time to do other things Mike. Important things, like creating a Camilla Toe Facebook page. Imagine the good you could do with that!

So the countdown begins and as of posting time; I have 28 hours until I start bringing back the eighties with my 80’s Spin Night. Originally this was created to celebrate my birthday week at the gym, but it has become an event of its own. I have been getting music suggestions from people, whether I want them or not, every time I talk about it. I even had my class do a few suggestions, or requests as I like to call them. Mike laughs about this, believing I was too young to remember much of the decade. This plays to my advantage since I cannot remember many of the fashions, and looking back, no loss there.

Here’s to the 80’s, Twisted Sisters on MTV, and all the fun you had that you can “totally remember.” I think that if she could, my friend Heather would still be in the 80’s shaking her ass on the hood of White Snake’s car with her hair as big as a bus. Three words: Like Totally Rad!

It's My Birthday and I'll Make You Cry If I Want To

2010-05-14T16:01:00.005-06:00

Well, well, well…it’s been too long since my last post, but let’s move on. This year I am celebrating my ∞ birthday. Yes, that’s right, my ∞ birthday. If you had asked my age before, I would have normally told you to cut me in half and go phuck yourself. Anyway, I was going back and forth on whether to celebrate this year or lay low, and someone really hot asked me if I was going to celebrate my turning ∞, leaving behind all the things I didn’t do in my twe…..err….earlier years. Thinking back, I decided that I am going to celebrate leaving behind all the things I did do that I either shouldn’t have done or don’t remember doing; like that pencil thin eyebrow incident. Yes Mike, all of those pictures have been destroyed….or have they???

So…I will be celebrating my birthday week, that’s right, week, and doing something all week long ending the B-Day week with a trip to Vegas for a little clubbing and some Phantom of the Opera viewing. Everyone is invited to celebrate with me, whether it is here or in spirit, or at my 80’s Spin Night (Wednesday, May 19th, 5:30 PM, Gold’s Gym). I am hoping that someone will voluntarily throw a birthday bash for me, but I’m not counting on it…maybe…I am going to sub out my spin class next week just in case. Just a hint that this would be an excellent time to try all of those “drinks o' the day” that someone keeps posting about.

Anywho, just to recap, it’s my birthday week, all week. When you see me, say hi, I won’t be easily missed with the inside-out Burger King crown painted red with the phrase “It’s My Birthday Bitches” written on it. I do accept gifts, cash and checks (with a check guarantee card). Hopefully I will see you all next week, maybe at some random birthday party! YAY!

We Are the Champions

2010-03-19T12:43:00.009-06:00

Well My Bitches…it has been months, literally, since my last post. Let’s just chalk it up to a production break between seasons of my blog. Bwahahaha! Anyway, school has been a bit harsh and has been demanding a lot of my time. Statistics is one of the hardest classes I have taken thus far in my education career. Most of the other students in the class have failed it at least once and this is either their second or third time taking it. Statistically speaking that means each one of us is, wait…I don’t know what the hell this means statistically since I’m not doing so hot in the class. Ha Ha, stupid bitch.

Anyway, my new goal is to post more on this damn blog than I have been. I will not promise anything, except that I will backhand a child in the near future, but I will do my best to continually add content to this here blog. Initially I setup this blog to house my thoughts and feelings on the stupidity of mankind, but have found that to be too taxing. Instead of writing on the ghetto fabulousness of stupid people, I end up going home, taking five Xanax and drinking myself into a coma to deal with the harsh reality of our government putting a moratorium on natural selection. Remember, “Stupidity only hurts its victims, not its champions.” (Thanks Mike and Nathan!)

I am hoping to add a little more to the format of my posts. I will still post my witty repertoire and quips about my constant hatred of the human race (DEATH TO HUMANS!), but I thought I would chronicle my way back to healthy eating. In layman’s terms: a diet. Yes, it is true. I have gained back 35 pounds since my great weight loss in late 2008 and 20 of those pounds have been since January. No matter how much I want it and try for it, I just can’t bring fat and nasty back. And since Justin Timberlake already brought sexy back, I really have nothing to bring. “It’s already been brought-en.”

In an effort to catch you all up on what I have been doing over the past few months, I have compiled a few points of interest for you. (Is it just me, or does this post seem to go on and on?) Anyway, here they are…

January: I voted: Coco FTW please. I also met someone, and that’s all I have to say on the matter at this time, oh and I gained 7 pounds.

February: I thought long and hard about this month. Do I talk about the great Valentine’s Day I had or all of the fabulous homes I toured during the Parade of Homes? No! What totally made my month was watching a child do a face plant as it tried to run through the mall. Bwahahaha! Priceless memories, oh and I gained 8 pounds. Phucking candy.

March: Went to Vegas for spring break weekend. Went shopping, ate at P.F. Chang’s (twice), rode the roller coaster at the New York New York, and went to Blue Man Group. I got pulled up on stage from the audience. IT. WAS. AWESOME! I totally blue myself. (See photo below) I have also gained 5 pounds thus far.

Somewhere in there I also instituted a personal ban on Café Rio. It’s too much to go in to, but let’s just say they are “champions.” I think that may be all for now, but I will keep you posted and continue to work on updating this blog. OH!, before I forget, I did upload some new music to the player. I hope that you enjoy! TTFN!

2009... You hurt like a hangover

2009-12-31T15:13:00.016-07:00

Well…like most of Tiger Woods’ sponsors, 2009 has come and gone. Personally, I am glad to see 2009 go and before it has a chance to disappear completely, I would like nothing more than to tell 2009 to suck a fart out of my ass. Hopefully most of you, like me, will be celebrating and bringing in 2010 three sheets to the wind because as most of you know, proper holiday behavior is to be drunk. I will be pissing the night away (cue Chumbawamba) with friends and a Ziploc full of ribs. Tim, I shall thank you ahead of time for the wonderful ribs as I will be so drunk that anything will seem ok, even anal sex...wait.. As we bring this year to a close I thought I would share some of my favorite moments from 2009 and a few of my resolutions.

Favorite/most memorable moments of the past year go to…

Chris Brown introduces his fist to Rihanna (cue Rihanna’s song “SOS”). Chris Brown then gets upset because he thinks that some major stores are refusing to carry his new CD. Brown then turned to his Twitter account for some encouragement and anger management help. He said that stores aren't stocking the CD, and that he is being "blackballed." He also said that the industry can "kiss my ass.” He takes his anger out on Twitter because he knows the Twitter Bird can't hit him back. Then, when he realized nobody cared, he deleted his entire Twitter account. You’re a rapper dude. I thought that’s what rappers did was get “blackballed”…ass.

Tiger Woods is publicly outed as a cheater. Dear Tiger, didn’t anyone ever teach you that you don’t sleep around on your Swedish blonde bombshell of a wife with nightclub VIP hostesses and one very mannish looking…err…woman?

Simon Cowell should kiss Susan Boyle’s ass. She rocked Britain’s Got Talent with I Dreamed a Dream and showed the world that an unemployed 47 year old single lady living alone with her cat Pebbles in “a collection of, a collection of, a collection of villages” [yeah that’s it] can sing.

Jersey Shore premieres on MTV. Read my blog post regarding Douche Bags. That will explain the premise of the show.

Lindsay Lohan goes to India to film a BBC Three documentary on child trafficking. If you thought this had international incident written all over it, you were right. She tweeted that she’d saved 40 children as part of one day’s work. The actual organization that helped the children took two months in planning the raid, not one day; they also carried it out before Lindsay even arrived in India. Way to help those children Lindsay or should I say Mother Teresa?

The anti-intelligent Carrie Prejean sues the Miss California Pageant Officials for over a million dollars believing she was fired for her anti-gay-marriage ramblings. She was claiming “religious discrimination.” Reportedly a lawyer for the pageant showed her a…wait for it…sex tape and that shut her up. The lawsuit was then mysteriously dropped. I wonder why? Stupid bitch.

Latricia Whitman called 911 over a McDonald’s order. “I ordered a 10-piece chicken nugget with a small fry, and she said we don’t have nuggets,” said Latricia. I love that the operator acted like she was willing to help, asking, “Is there a manager there? OK, I’ll send an officer.” I’m calling bullshit. You know with a name like Latricia, that bitch ordered a 20 or 25 piece, not some silly little 10 piece.

Mary Strey, a 49 year old woman in Missouri, called 911 to report a drunk driver. This is great, unless the driver you’re reporting is yourself. “Are you behind them?” the operator asked. “No, I am them.” Really? “I am them.” That’s your best response? Well, in her defense she was drinking, driving and talking on a cell phone at the same time. I guess kudos are in order for her multitasking skills. Remember, if you are going to drink and drive; drive someone else’s car.

I don’t know about you, but I have mixed feelings about fools like these. First off, they bother me. Ok, so “bother me” is putting it nicely. Most of the time I want to shank them with the shiv from my keester stash. On the other hand, they bring me glorious entertainment with their shenanigans. Makes me just want to pull up a lawn chair, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show.

As it is with tradition, I have come up with a few resolutions to work on once 2010 has commenced. Just like every other year, I’m sure that I will inevitably lose sight of these goals. I’m hoping that I will at least last the first day of the New Year before reverting back to my self-absorbed assholeness.

The winners of the 2010 Resolutions are…

I am adopting a no-apology policy for what I say. If you feel that I have offended you in anyway and you would like me to issue an apology, this will be my statement: “You would have to be a complete fucking moron to think I was serious. The end.” The only person I have apologized to is my mother and that was court ordered.

I will do better at pretending to care, as long as it does not conflict with the first resolution.

I will try to be less of a dick to the hopeless, slack-jawed, gum chewing, cell phone yammering, blue eye shadow wearing, stuffed into spandex, lashes by Tammy Faye, hyper-as-a-yappy-dog, mouth breathing moronic populace as long as it does not conflict with the first or second resolution. Hmmm…. I’m guessing this resolution will get used as much as a treadmill would at Kristie Alley’s house.

Here’s wishing you a great and bile-less New Year. To those of you that feel the need to list dieting as one of your New Year resolutions, I hope this quote from Jay Leno helps you along on your daunting task.

“Now, there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.”

A Toast, Kristen

2009-12-30T13:52:00.015-07:00

So… my roommate Mike sent me this lovely post, A Toast, Jedidiah, from a gal named Kristen. First off, thank you Mike for sending this post my way. I love it and I am really liking some of her other posts. It sounds like her and I may have been twins separated at birth. If you know me, then you would know that her recap post fits me flawlessly. Second off, I would like to welcome Mike back to the gym. Those ellipticals have missed you. For those of you that don’t know yet, Mike finally purchased a gym pass. Oh… by the way Mike, your TV called and it misses you too.

Back to the daunting task at hand. You are welcome to click the link above, open a new window, read Kristen’s recap of Sean's post, and navigate your way back here or you can just read my recap of her recap about Sean's post and stop wasting your computer’s memory with all those open internet windows.

First and foremost, I must salute you Kristen and Sean (not that either one will ever read this, or even know who the fuck I am), your recap and post should win a prize for its brutal honesty and clarity. Shall we begin?

Neither Kristen nor I could picture ourselves being in a relationship with someone. There are so many things that I do by myself and to myself. I will eat alone, sleep alone, put my cigarettes out on the bottom of children’s feet alone, laugh alone (mainly at my own jokes), go to the gym alone, blah, blah, blah, etc. I don’t mind doing stuff with other humans, it’s just so taxing dealing with others’ schedules and it annoys the hell out of me to stray from my everyday routine. I understand that I have a DVR (Digital Video Recorder), but that does not mean I need to overwork it and run it into the ground. It’s not a ten year old in a sweat shop people!

Envisioning me in a loving, committed relationship is something that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. In fact, just writing about it has caused a fever blister to manifest on my lip. UGH! I have now dubbed my new friend Bob Loblaw (Arrested Development). You may call it Bob as you stare at it and giggle. Honestly, I would probably take pleasure in being with someone. Knowing that someone will be there, having them ask about your day, and wanting to go do things together gives me that same warm and fuzzy feeling that vodka does. Just as long as they knew I had complete control. Complete control. No silly checks and balances system here.

I have always said that I need a part-time boyfriend. Only around when I want him to be, and as far away from me when I don’t. Friday night through Sunday night would be perfect. A full-time relationship takes too much consideration and it’s not something you can just run away from like the dinner check or a crying baby. Mike would say I am like a cat, and he is right. I want a boyfriend to be loving and affectionate when I want it and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE OR I WILL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT when I don’t. And just like Kristen says, “He should have dark hair and a British accent.” Is that too much to ask for?

I’m sure if you took all of this information and put it together in some elaborate complicated mathematical equation, the ending conclusion would be that I am a self-absorbed asshole. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. No more phone calls please. Truthfully, I am just an anti-social person living in a fantasy world where I am always right and I never get screwed over at the drive thru or take out. So, if you see me out in public, just remember a few things. Rule number one, unless you come served in a frosted glass, do not come within three feet of my lips and Bob Loblaw. Two, when you’re speaking and making jokes, just remember that I have a fake laugh with your name written all over it. And finally, I judged you at the door. It’s a safe bet that I think you’re stupid, shallow and a common whore.

Musical Madness

2009-11-25T20:12:00.002-07:00

I have added a few new tunes to the player on the music page. I hope that you enjoy them. I do have to say that I am really enjoying the "Back to the 80's" song. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. Also, the music page is in play mode only. There are no links at this time. If you are just dying to have a song, you know where to find me.

Season's Beating's

2009-11-25T13:38:00.001-07:00

The holidays are upon us bringing the season of bitchiness and absolute stupidity. Douche baggery and stupidity have been running rampant in this town for a long time, but when the holidays roll around, we seem to be inundated with much, much more. I personally think that it may be all of the peppermint flavored “whatever” that is making everyone a raging asshole. Mike a.k.a. Camilla seems to think that it is pumpkin flavored “whatever” that causes people to be a douche. I’m not quite sure whether it’s the peppermint or the pumpkin. Maybe it’s some peppermint pumpkin flavored protein shake that everyone is drinking, who knows? Maybe it’s just me being the douche bag and thinking that everyone else is. Nah, that can’t be it. I’m a crazy asshole year ‘round. So it really must be everyone else.

I am just completely fed up with people and it is barely Thanksgiving. Dealing with idiots has become so common place now days that I almost don’t recognize it when I see it. Like when I went to Costco last week to pick up some water for the office. I will admit that when I purchase water for the office, I do buy quite a few cases. I load up my NASCAR sized basket and race to the front to get the hell out of there. Now…here begins the idiocy. Comment after comment about the size of my purchase. “How much water can you drink?” “Boy, you must be supplying water to another country…ha ha ha.” O.K., so maybe I don’t get the whole concept of Costco. I was under the impression that it is a warehouse and bulk was the name of the game. I did not realize that I was offending people with my lack of knowledge of Costco etiquette. I will now be conforming to Costco standards and no longer buying items in bulk. I have learned my lesson. The next time you see me there, I will be grazing the aisles munching on the free demos then heading up to the checkouts with my single purchase of Metamucil and holding up the line.

With all of this bitching and jolly jabbering I have been doing, I have failed to realize that it is Thanksgiving and I should be giving thanks for many things. So I have compiled a few points that I am thankful for, and hope that some of you can take them to heart as well and enjoy this wonderful holiday season.

1. I am thankful that I can easily recognize a douche bag thanks to Ed Hardy.
2. I am thankful that blamestorming is now considered an art form.
3. I am thankful that I carry mistletoe in my back pocket so all the hateful bitches out there can kiss my ass.
4. I am thankful that Camilla Toe rolled out on the hot mess express this year.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving bitches!

Camilla Christmas

2009-11-13T15:12:00.002-07:00

Toe Story

2009-11-06T10:44:00.003-07:00

Well Camilla came out in full force this past Halloween weekend and tore up the town with her toe! She flaunted that cougar cave like it was the best thing since sliced bread. There hasn’t been that much toe since Britney Spears stumbled out of the car. It’s been three long years since we have had the glamorous toe tapping Camilla and it was well worth the wait. Many of you were lucky enough this past weekend to experience the “leg in the air” and “stank extraordinaire” party hard with her Aftershock and shirt stretching sandbag tits. For those of you who unfortunately missed that cavernous cougar on the prowl, I have posted pictures for your viewing pleasure. CAUTION! Children under 17 viewing these photos may need an adult and/or therapy. Simply click on the photos tab in the upper right hand corner. These photos have been brought to you in part by Brit-Tan’s Facebook and “Right-Click, Save Picture As...”

I do need to thank everyone for all the bitch-slapping that took place to bring our precious Camilla back! Thank you; everyone did an awesome job. I know I would like to see Camilla again and so I will be doing my part and begin my bitch-slapping early for next year. ‘Tis the season of merry giving and I will be merrily giving the palm of my hand to your face. JMike may not want to bring Camilla back so soon, but just like Brokeback Mountain, we just can’t quit you Camilla. You bring joy, laughter and that stranger danger feeling to our lives. Here’s to you Camilla Toe, for a wonderful Halloween, until next time.

What a load of BS...

2009-10-26T12:10:00.006-06:00

I would like to toss out an update for all the Camilla Toe supporters out there. It appears that many of you have taken on my plea for help and have been bitch slapping (“BS”) the hell out of people this weekend. That is great! A flash of the Toe was spotted this past weekend and I do believe if we keep up with the BS, that we may have the Toe in full force for Halloween. I would like to give a shout out to my Brit-Tan, who went right to the source and laid down a bitch slap so hard that I’m sure Chris & Robin felt it out in Georgia. Way to go Brit-Tan! Keep up the good work. Chris, figuring out a way to hurl some "BS" all the way from Georgia was brilliant.

The Camilla countdown begins today and hopefully everyone will continue to throw down the BS. If you are just learning about our cause; remember, it’s not too late to start. Throw down as much BS as you can possibly can. Help bring Camilla back to life. I’m sure many of you made the most of the weekend and presented all kinds of BS to your friends and family.

Keep up the good work everyone. Pretty soon we will be flooded with the crazy tastelessness that makes up Camilla.

Attention shoppers, we have a missing child

2009-10-23T14:56:00.005-06:00

Ok folks, I need your help! As we draw even closer to Allhallows Eve, my roommate Mike a.k.a. JMike a.k.a. Muffin a.k.a. Hateful Cow is still piddling around with his costume. We are all looking forward to setting our eyes on Camilla Toe (see below) this year. It was 2006 - a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away – since anyone has groped or witnessed the gross misconduct that is Camilla. Mike, JMike, Muffin, Hateful Cow….we are begging you to bring her back! We need magnificent Halloween entertainment this year. It has not been the same since you last pulled out those chicken wings from those droopy, sandbags tucked in your belt you called breasts.

Just as you did when you where a child and clapped your hands to bring Tinkerbell back to life, help me bring Camilla Toe back by bitch slapping someone….anyone. That’s right! That’s all it takes. The harder your slap, the better it is. Each time you bitch slap someone, it helps to bring Camilla Toe back to us. Instead of giving that high five for a job well done, smack a bitch up. Sit out on the sidewalk in front of your house; extend out your hand and slap those children running by on their way home from school. Let them run right into it! It’s simple; it’s so easy that everyone can do it. Tell a friend, tell a co-worker, tell your frienemies! In fact, don’t tell them, show them!

We miss that scraggly, been everywhere red hair that looks like it took a roll through a forest. Please, please bring her back! It just hasn’t been the same!

Want to see more quality posts? Help bring this blog back to life by doing your part and put out your cigarette on the bottom of a child's foot.

Wishful Drinking

2009-10-05T16:32:00.006-06:00

Alright bitches, it has been one of those Monday's. The kind where you get to work and want to cut up a bitch because you just realized that you forgot your boot flask at home. How can it be that some Monday's are just hell? I hope the rest of you have had a better Monday than I have had, if so, I hate you. Anyway....I'm sure most of you remember that this past weekend was the St. George Marathon. I assume that most of you (except maybe Cariebear) still enjoyed your weekend because you didn't have to park your vehicle down the street due to the city closing off certain roads most of the day to allow the runners dragging their sorry carcasses toward the finish line some type of unwarranted safety. Yes.....they closed my street and inconvenienced me. I hate them all. Fuckers.

All that inconveniencing was repaid though when I returned home from spin and watched some runner hit the wall. It was the funniest thing ever! She collapsed right in the middle of the road and fell down onto her knees. She came down really hard and probably shattered or broke something in her knee. She then sat in the middle of the road holding her knee and crying out loud! It was music to my ears. Yes, I started to feel bad, but then I remembered I had to park out on the street. Hmmmm....sucked to be her!

Sounds Great

2009-09-09T13:07:00.006-06:00

OK. I have finally decided to post some more music for you. I do apologize for the lack of posts, but school this semester is really kicking some ass and taking names. Posting from work has gone by the wayside since we are heading into the "holiday" months and I am constantly working on something new. Anyway, here are nine new songs for you, yes nine, count them!

Dirty Little Secret - The All American Rejects

Don't Stop the Music (Solitaire's More Drama Remix) - Rihanna

Feedback (Moto Blanco Radio Edit) - Janet Jackson, Miss Jackson if you're nasty

I Turn to You (Hex Hector Radio Mix) - Melanie C

Like a Boy (Mysto & Pizzi Dance Remix) - Ciara

Move Along - The All American Rejects

New Divide (Bit Error Radio Edit) - Linkin Park

Right Here (Moto Blanco Radio Edit) - Brandy

That's Not My Name (Megative Remix Edit) - The Ting Tings

Happy Birthday Robin!

2009-09-04T11:09:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't been on my "blob" (as Brit-tan calls it) to post for a while, but between work, school, spin and keeping up with the social lives of the Kardashians (Yeah Right!), I have NO time! I thought I could at least post today and wish a very happy birthday to one of my favorite people....ROBIN! I got you a birthday cake too! It's down below. Enjoy!

Excuse me while I look better than you

2009-08-19T15:36:00.011-06:00

I can not hold it in any longer. I have to tell someone. Maybe shout it from the rooftop somwhere....Maybe email someone....Better yet, text all of you. Or I could just post it on here and let you read it for yourself. I got a new car. That's right. I GOT A NEW CAR BITCHES! HA! It's a wonderful piece of machinery and I got a great deal on it. It has it all; a sunroof, iPod hook up, alloy wheels, a spoiler (fin for some of you) and it's silver in color. It was sent from heaven just for me. I took a picture for all of you to drool over. Make sure you move your keyboard first. Wouldn't want to short it out.

Bask in its greatness. Be woo'd by its fabulousness. Be sure not to touch it.

This magnificent vehicle is so far beyond my old car that it just can't compare (especially in gas mileage)! The old car just wasn't cutting it anymore. It had horrible air conditioning. A ton of miles on it. Maintenance & repair everytime I turned around and it got the shittiest gas mileage I have ever had in a car. I know you are all dying to know what kind of shit bomb my fabulous Q-Lister ass would be driving around in, so I have added it's mug shot to the post as well. Thank god it is on it's way to the shredder!

Please enjoy the music while your party is being reached

2009-08-19T12:36:00.006-06:00

Boys and Girls – Pixie Lott

Burning – Alcazar

Don’t Miss You (Radio Edit) – Ricki-Lee

Down (Police Groove Radio Remix) – Jay Sean

She Ain’t Got… (Jason Nevins Radio Edit) – LeToya

See You In The Dark – Honor Society

If you haven’t seen Jay Sean, you should look him up. HOT! I wish it was Gay Sean. Then maybe I could have my way with him. YUMMY!

Coming Soon!

2009-08-18T18:38:00.004-06:00

All New Adventures

Please pass the jams

2009-08-10T15:03:00.003-06:00

I have once again updated my music page with a few new songs. Some of you may recognize the remix of Boom Boom Pow from the G.I. Joe movie credits. I know I went right home and looked for it. Please enjoy the music!

Boom Boom Pow (DJ Ammo Poet Named Life Remix) - The BEP

Fame (Chris Cox Radio Edit) - Naturi Naughton

Get On Your Boots (Crookers Remix) - U2

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy - U2

Love Drunk - Boys Like Girls

Magic - Ladyhawke

Supernatural - Daughtry

The Boy Does Nothing - Alesha Dixon

Waking Up In Vegas (Manhattan Clique Radio Edit) - Katy Perry

OOHHHH! Look at me post!

2009-07-28T10:40:00.009-06:00

So it has been over a week since my last post and I must apologize. I have been absolutely busy this past week with work, having a few personal projects going on and teaching spin 5 times last week, three of which were within 24 hours of each other. Now some of you may be telling me to suck it up, you teach spin for a living. Let's see you do three classes in a row, one of them at 6 am, and see how the hell you are feeling. Another reason is the fact that it has been hotter than hell here in Utah's Dixie a.k.a. Utah's Douche Bag Training Site. Once you hit 100 degrees you don't want to do anything but lie in your bed and drink ice cold lemonade. A lot of the folks around here have been going out to the lake to cool off. So I decided to take a trek out there to see what the fuss is all about. I don't know about you, but I was NOT impressed with what was going on out there. I did see a lot of this...
Not impressive at all. Plus the lake was not at all what I expected. There is no way I would step foot in that boiling inferno. I took a picture for all of you so you know what in the hell is going on out here (see below). So if your inside your house dying of heat, just remember, you could be at the lake experiencing a lot of muffin topping and this....

Monday madness

2009-07-20T15:08:00.004-06:00

Sadly, it is Monday again and we are all back at work, except Heather. WTF? She thinks she can have a vacation? What am I supposed to do all week? I can’t just sit here and give Mark shit all by myself. That’s a two person kind of job. It’s definitely going to be one helluva week! Well, Monday has just started off grand. I am having brain farts left and right. You would think that one would run out of…….sorry, brain fart. What was I saying? Oh well, anyway, I have been having brain farts all morning long. One would think that eventually the flatulence oozing from my mind would cease. HELL NO, they are non-stop. I guess I just need to take some Brain-O to stop these embarrassing displays of stupidity.

It’s now time for the weekend recap. Here is my checklist of things to experience this past weekend.

1. Teach two spin classes in a row, and only have two people show up to the first one. Check.
2. Listen to friend’s telling me about their sex lives against my will. Check.
3. Drink a lot. Check.
4. Find humor from people where there once was none. Check.
5. Eat tons of food including a dinner for 4 after completing number 3. Check.

All in all, not a bad weekend, but the week is certainly not off to a good start. I have embedded a brain fart funny for you below and I hope your week is starting off better than mine. Enjoy!