This is a tale about a girl backpack. Not a backpack for a girl. A backpack for a guy to carry a cute girl in. WHAT?

Do you ever get out of the shower and feel clean as the day you were born? Except for all the blood, birthing fluids and gun powder. Well, I still condition my hair with gunpowder once a week but you know what I mean.

I’m going to start ending every sentence with, “This is the word of our Lord” and see how long before someone gets offended. My guess? Twice in normal circumstances and once if I’m hanging with my Priest friends. My Priesties.

You know you live in a city of lazy people when your mailman says good morning at 1pm. Also, he’s on a segway. And wearing a diaper. Y’know? I’m not sure he’s the mailman.

You can’t spell dysfunctional without fun. And you can’t spell pterodactyl without spellcheck.

I cannot imagine a situation where you would need to rent a lamp from Rent-A-Center. Unless, you’re dating the daughter of a lamp mogul and you just moved into your new lampless apartment and you have no money to purchase lamps – but that’s fucking it!

Whenever someone tells me they haven’t been online in a while I’m completely baffled as to how they spent that time. Seriously, what do they do before work? And all night after work? And think about while at work?

If you’re dating your bed, the only way to take it out to eat is if you have breakfast in bed. Which could get confusing if you want to cook breakfast for it the next morning. Basically, you’re eating a lot of breakfast when you’re dating a bed.

Undecided on your Halloween costume? Need some help? Well here are a couple of suggestions that will guarantee to turn some heads this year.

Well, things have become incredibly slow around here.

All of the Bloop contributors have seemingly burned out.

Myself included.

I will continue with the YouTube videos and I have a Potato Trash cartoon in the works. But I’m sorry if the updates continue to be few and far between. I just don’t have a lot of material to work with.

I will consider making another Floating Together calendar if there is any kind of demand for it. However, I still have a rather sizeable pile of T-shirts in my closet and I’m not exactly looking to add calendars it.

So let me know what you think.

IN GENERAL.

OF LIFE.

Greeting, Jerry Bloop here with another one of life’s lessons. Tired all the time? Need a pick me up? No problem! Just follow these simple step and you’re on your way to pure energy!

Listen, doc – I eat fruit all the time. I dabble jelly on my two-pound peanut butter sandwiches and I occasionally skim the edge of a chip with salsa while I consume a family-size bag of Tostitos. So get off my case and please return the garbage bag I use for a T-shirt.

Do you ever feel like you’re seeing things? Like imaginary bugs or friends or emotionally stable girls?

What’s it called when you mull about in a half-conscious state all day long but by the time 11:30pm rolls around, you’re doing laundry and cleaning your bathroom? Nocturnal? Nah, that’s not it. Crazy! Yeah, that’s the word.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. The way to an artichoke’s heart is through dip.

It’s safe to say that I will never be comfortable with pooping. For a while I figured that the older I got, the more at ease I’d be with people squeezing sin logs out of their demon holes but I’m pretty sure it’s never going to happen. If I found a genie’s lamp, I’d interrupt Robin William’s stupid song and wish for no more pooping.

Whether you believe in God or evolution or both – one thing I don’t agree with is wieners. If you lift weights, you get stronger and if you eat food you get fatter but if you have lots of sex your wiener doesn’t grow. This means that pornstars will never have actual horse dongs and mankind won’t impregnate horses and breed centaurs. What a waste!

Some hipsters wear fake glasses as a fashion statement and it’s pretty insulting to those who require corrective lenses. Therefore, I propose a new cast-wearing fad in spite of people with broken bones. It will probably annoy people who were born with broken bones and will infuriate those who broke their bones after puberty. Old people with broken bones won’t mind because they’re too busy worrying about their broken bones.

The adventures of Bluetooth Dog. Sit back and enjoy the trials and tribulations of the business canine. Will he foil the plans of his nemesis, Pager Cat? Who will use the conference room? You know who. Bluetooth Dog!

In this second installment of “A Pinch Of Loaf” chef Andric LeCorn prepares a bowl of Texas Soup.

Ingredients:

1 cup of soda pop
1 bowl of ice cream
3 cookies
1/2 cup of breakfast cereal

Preparation is a cinch, as this video will demonstrate!

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