Photo by Flickr User permanently scatterbrained

Breakfast

WELCOME TO Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. My name is Mitch and I will be your server this morning.

For starters, can I get you anything to drink? We offer coffee, as well as four varieties of juices, as well as fine Pepsi-Cola products, as well as The Eagle Has Landed Iced Tea.

What’s in The Eagle Has Landed Iced Tea? My understanding is that it’s like regular iced tea, except with the added distinction of being imbued with the pioneer spirit of the inaugural moon landing, which I’m sure you’re aware captivated the minds and hearts of our entire nation in the summer of 1969.

How is iced tea imbued with the pioneer spirit of the inaugural moon landing? I believe it involves artificial flavorings, and also colorings, but I will have to check with my manager.

Okay, orange juice, then. A fine choice. Orange juice is what my ex-girlfriend Maxine liked to order. Maybe it is what she still likes to order. I have no way of knowing. She lives out East and hasn’t spoken to me in three years.

Yes, we can make sure there is no pulp in the orange juice.

I’ll have your drinks coming right up.

* * *

Welcome to Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. My name is Mitch and I will be your server this morning.

For starters, can I get you anything to drink?

Coffee-of course. Sensible. Pragmatic. What better way to get the coals burning, this early in the day? Oh sure, there will always be certain elements in the kitchen who will argue amphetamines, but these are men of tenuous moral fiber and limited discernment, men whose skillet-fried logic is not to be trusted. For my money, you can’t do any better than a good, hot cup of joe: rich and aromatic, strong and Spartan, Colombian, with sugar and/or creamer added per your preference.

I hope I’m not prying, but I can tell from the absence of fear or desperation in your drink orders that you are from out of town, and I wonder what brings you to our humble neck of the woods on this grey and barometrically unpromising morning? Just passing through. Of course, of course. Yes, I will be the first to tell you our town isn’t the ideal place to spend an afternoon, much less one’s life. We used to be known for our annual Elm Festival, but since the elms all died the festival’s sort of lost its luster. We also used to be California’s number one producer of novelty hats, but the factory closed down last April and now there are long lines of unemployed factory workers wearing beer-dispensing fedoras and remote control sombreros to protect their haggard faces from the sun. The tar pits are still there, fortunately, but unfortunately they tend to be cordoned off with police caution tape, what with the record numbers of unemployed novelty hat employees suicidally driving rented Hyundais into them. Maybe today they will be open to the public, however. One never knows. There are some brochures by the front entrance, in case you’re interested, next to the brochures for food stamps, and clinical depression, and the Hyundai rental agency.

I’ll have your coffees coming right up.

* * *

Hello, thank you for calling Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. How may I help you?

Oliver Clothesoff? You wish to know if Mr. Clothesoff is dining with us this morning? Well, let’s see-is Mr. Clothesoff about 5′7″, with a bum leg, and a facial tic, and a Stetson hat that converts decimals into fractions? No. Does Mr. Clothesoff have a receding hairline, and a skin disease, and a yellow-stained t-shirt that says, “My other ride is your Mom”? No. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe Mr. Clothesoff is here, unless of course he is one of the many slump-shouldered, willow-thin, sad-eyed octogenarians who gather in the back, by the jukebox, listening to scratchy, old-timey songs like “Tell Your Wife I’m Sorry” and “Too Lonesome to Slop the Hogs” as they stare out the window at the novelty hat-wearing indigents scouring the parking lot and surrounding environs greedily for edible weeds, animal carcasses, and spare change. Hmm. Doesn’t sound like him, does it? Well, if you leave me a number where I can reach you, I’ll keep my eyes peeled for Mr. Clothesoff, and if, by sweet serendipity, he should turn up at our restaurant, I shall corral him with great haste and inform him at once of your call.

Thank you. You are more than kind.

We value and treasure your call to Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House, and wish you a very pleasant day.

* * *

Hello, folks, here are your pulp-free orange juices. Fresh-squeezed, vitamin-rich, Floridian. No word as of yet on the pioneer spirit of the inaugural moon landing and its alleged pervasiveness throughout The Eagle Has Landed Iced Tea, but rest assured that this matter is being dutifully investigated, as we speak, by Neil Armstrong’s franchise #287’s finest minds, and also the line cooks, so hopefully we should have an answer for you by the end of brunch.

Are you ready to order, or do you need some more time?

Excellent. Let’s start with the young lady. The Egg Sandwich of Tranquility, of course. An exquisite choice. And you, ma’am? The Buzz Aldrin Straight from the Griddle Combo. Would you like that with the bacon strips or the pork sausage links? The bacon strips. Certainly. A local treasure, ma’am, if I do say so myself. Like a little taste of pig heaven in every bite. And you sir, seated beneath the framed photo of Neil Armstrong riding A Horse With No Name to victory in the 1984 Belmont Stakes?

I’m sorry, but the One Small Step for Man Meal Deal has been discontinued. A matter unfortunately out of our hands. As in, mandated by Corporate. As in, lawyers arriving in the kitchen earlier this month with briefcases handcuffed to their wrists. My sincerest apologies. Perhaps you might enjoy the Cape Canaveral-Style Griddle Cakes instead? Note that they are described in our menu as being “an interstellar burst of fluffy, unforgettable flavor!”

No, sir, you are not mistaken. The One Small Step for Man Meal Deal is indeed clearly listed in the Historic Breakfasts section of our menu, alongside an eye-catching color photo of Mr. Armstrong himself enjoying said Meal Deal at Neil Armstrong’s franchise #173 in Sugar Land, Texas. But what is not clearly listed is the additional mandate from Corporate strictly prohibiting the printing of new, updated, factually accurate menus, in order to cut ink and paper costs. Which explains the Meal Deal’s rather misleading postmortem presence on the handsome laminated pages before you. So I can understand your confusion. I can understand your disappointment. I can understand why you doubtlessly consider our menu’s Historic Breakfasts section to be little more than a cruel albeit attractively illustrated page of lies. At the same time, however, until Corporate mandates candor, integrity, and truth, our hands are pretty much tied with bureaucratic red tape in regards to the whole Meal Deal issue, so Mr. A’s hearty laminated enjoyment of the now-defunct Deal alongside the gushing menu description of the Deal’s “savory sausage links, delicate buttermilk pancakes, ooey-gooey biscuits,” et al. is sadly going to have to be a lie we all must learn to swallow.

Note that the Griddle Cakes also come with a trio of eggs, as well as hash browns.

Why has the One Small Step for Man Meal Deal been discontinued? Why is anything discontinued? Why, for instance, are there no more Family Nights at the tar pits? Why do people no longer buy novelty hats? Why do our town’s birds no longer sing sweet, arresting melodies but instead fall mysteriously dead from telephone wires, power lines, and desiccated elms? Why, when I finish my shift and drag my syrup-stained self into the parking lot, am I no longer greeted by Maxine, waiting for me in her daddy’s long, grey Oldsmobile, honking her horn and waving frantically and flashing her devastating smile; but by repo men, collecting from our customers their cars, motorcycles, RVs, pants; by apocalyptic cults, urging me to repent and make tax-free donations; by the police, questioning me in regards to yet another regular customer’s Hyundai rental suicide; by the indigents, mumbling nonsense into their self-cleaning derbies, their coin-operated top hats, their Turkish fezes with the voice of Franklin Delano Roosevelt emanating from somewhere near the tassels? Why, when my father wakes up in the morning, does he no longer exhibit even the slightest desire to live, so that my mother has to forcibly drag him from their bed, across the carpet, into the bathroom, into the shower, and blast him point-blank in the face with frigid water so he is mentally alert enough to accept and swallow the applesauce, mashed potatoes, and banana pudding she spoons with no small effort into his mouth; then towel him off and drag him from the shower onto the toilet so he can relieve himself with as little resulting porcelain and vinyl tile-splattering mess as possible; then wipe him, shave him, apply his deodorant, his cologne; administer his heart medication, his proton pump inhibitors, his multivitamins; clothe him, kiss him, gently tousle his hair; plead with him to snap out of it, shake it off, fight, persevere, soldier on; kiss him again, scream, cry, curse, beat against the wall, break down, give up, cry some more; then, with near-Herculean resolve, drag him across the puddle-littered vinyl, out of the bathroom, into the bedroom, and back to bed; so she can search for job openings on the internet, send out my father’s résumé, make email and phone inquiries, pound the pavement, follow leads, acquire contacts, wheel and deal, wine and dine, sweet-talk, inveigle, finagle; and, once the opportunity arises, remove the scarlet nail polish from her fingernails, remove her blush, her lipstick, her wedding ring, her jewelry, her eye shadow; scrub away any traces of designer knockoff perfume, tie her hair back into a ponytail, wrap her breasts in de-emphasizing bandages and her face with thick, non-prescription glasses; practice a firm handshake, an alpha-male gait, a deep, gravelly baritone modeled after the voice of veteran actor Jack Palance; pace back in forth in the upstairs hallway, curse, pray, cry, cry some more; and then don a man’s suit, a man’s shoes, a man’s cologne, a man’s watch, a Freudian synthetic beard purchased from a theatrical makeup supplier during its Fat Lady Has Sung Liquidation Sale; all so that she can assume my father’s identity for job interviews; in the hopes that when she finally is offered a position at a manufacturing plant or a PR firm or a defense contractor or a slaughterhouse or an adult video store or a wholesale mattress, linens, and taffeta outlet she will come home, show my father her copy of the required W-4 form with her expert forgery of my father’s signature at the bottom, beneath the indicated number of allowances, and he will rise from their bed, take my bearded, defeminized mother in his arms, and look at her once more with eyes that recognize, affectionately, this cross-dressing woman before him; this woman who now brushes his teeth for him; this woman who with synthetic hair and spirit gum becomes him; this woman who so beguilingly and effortlessly conquered him, one chance night, at Love or Heartbreak Karaoke, back in the heyday of novelty hats.

The Griddle Cakes. A fantastic alternative, sir. Thank you for your understanding.

I’ll get your orders to the kitchen lickety-split.

* * *

Hello, folks, here’s your coffee. Are you ready to order, or do you need some more time?

Wonderful. Let’s start with you, sir. Yes, the Neil Armstrong Classic. A marvelous choice, sir. You can’t go wrong with a classic. And you, ma’am? The Mission Control Special. With the fresh strawberries or the warm fruit compote and whipped topping? Ah, truly you are a woman to my heart.

If you don’t mind me asking, where are you folks headed after your brief sojourn in our fair town comes to an end? Down old Los Angeles way-of course, of course. Hollywood. Movie stars. Plastic surgeons. Tiny dogs. Yes, I’ve half a mind to go there myself one day, but as for the foreseeable future I’ve got my sights set on Assistant Manager here at Neil Armstrong’s, what with the previous Assistant Manager driving himself into the tar pits in a rented Hyundai Accent in the wee hours of Monday morning. Yes, I know, it’s very sad. This black patch on my spacesuit indicates I am still in mourning. But, admittedly, it does present certain opportunities for the rest of us, who have toiled in our pressurized spacesuits and spheroidal dome helmets and moon boots for many years without medical benefits, or salary incentives, or invitations to the Neil Armstrong’s Corporate Retreat in Plano, which I hear involves go-karting, and the limbo, and a well-stocked open bar. I realize this sounds insensitive. I realize it might rub people the wrong way. But, as the kitchen staff says, you have to break a few eggs, and beat them, and cook them at low to medium heat with onions, ham, bell peppers, mushrooms, diced tomatoes, and cheese to make an omelet.

Let’s see-I’ve worked here for six years now, since my junior year of high school. I know, I know. Even I have trouble believing it’s been that long. It seems like only yesterday I was still a busboy, clearing tables, cleaning the floor, straightening and dusting the framed photos of Neil Armstrong on the moon, in Apollo 11, jumping on an inflatable bounce house in Newark, New Jersey. Back then, my ex-girlfriend Maxine was still with me, and when my shift was over I could always count on her to be waiting for me in the parking lot, engine idling, music blasting from her open windows, the greatest soft rock hits of the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s accompanied by her shrill laughter, her honking horn. Back then, before the factory shut down, before the One Small Step for Man Meal Deal was discontinued, before Maxine left me for a college classmate out East, I’d climb in her daddy’s Oldsmobile, which he called the Admiral, and which she called the Shark, and we’d gun it out of the parking lot with the Eagles or Dan Fogelberg or Captain and Tennille blaring from the speakers and drive to the tar pits, where the people of our town gathered to toss away their loose change and wish for brighter days. In those days, the tar pits were still a place of comfort, of hope, as advertised in the glossy brochures near our front entrance. People would park on nearby gravel, walk to the pits’ edge with cups full of pennies, nickels, and dimes, and feed the tar like one might feed ducks pieces of bread, the pit-feeders closing their eyes and wishing for winning lottery tickets, for big screen TVs, for renovated kitchens and four person spas. All sorts of folks came to the pits-young, old, well-off, poor, dentists and janitors and lawyers and ex-cons-and after they tossed their change and made their wishes they would spread blankets on the grass and eat picnic lunches: potato salad, cold cuts, cucumber sandwiches and ice cold lemonade. Maxine and I ate with them, feasting on Neil Armstrong leftovers compliments of my associates in the kitchen, and when our food was gone and our bellies were full we’d stroll down to the pits with the change from my tips and make our own wishes, closing our eyes, side by side, and throwing my gratuities into the tar. I don’t know what Maxine wished for-she would never tell me-but in those early days I remember asking the pits for A’s on my algebra tests, for the Giants to win the World Series, for Kurt Cobain to be resurrected, for some benevolent, deep-pocketed customer to leave me a thousand dollar tip. These wishes never came true, of course, but I was young, and hopeful, and so I kept tossing away my money, kept wishing. My first tar pit prayer to be answered-the only one, really-was the night I asked Maxine out, a beautiful starry night, when we were still just friends, and I threw away my entire day’s earnings-paper money and all-closing my eyes, entrusting my salary to the wind, wishing for Maxine to say yes. Later that night, in the back of the Shark, she did just that, again and again, and in the leather Oldsmobile interior my investment in the tar was repaid, many times over.

When our town grew sadder, and bleaker-mom-and-pops closing, Wal-Marts encroaching, novelty hat layoffs ensuring brisk business at the unemployment office-so, too, did the tar pits. People still came, but they no longer picnicked, instead tossing their currency and driving straight home, too anxious or despondent to enjoy French onion dip, carrot sticks, marmalade. They still brought cups, still threw coins, but now only pennies, or funny money-novelty coins bearing the face of Ronald Reagan or Arnold Schwarzenegger-nickels and dimes too valuable to waste, even-especially-on a wish. There had been Family Nights, parents bringing their children to cook s’mores and corn on the cob and beans and weenies over open fires at the edge of the tar, but the families stopped coming, kept home by second jobs and painful divorces and the opiate glow of television: American Litigators, Lewis and Clark: Miami, Who Can Drive the Fastest Backwards? Instead, the pits attracted loners, drifters, widows and widowers, wishing not for remodeled kitchens and big screen TVs but for a reversal of time: their jobs back, their wives back, their lives back.

When Maxine left for school I still visited the pits from time to time, but it wasn’t the same without her. I would take the pennies from my tips and toss them into the pitch, closing my eyes and wishing for Maxine to reappear at my side, but it didn’t feel like wishing anymore. It just felt like wasting money. Eventually, after the factory closed down, after our streets were swarmed by panhandlers and drunks and addicts wearing Panama hats that could play “Frère Jacques” and “The Star-Spangled Banner” in all twelve keys, the rest of the town reached this same realization-that wishing only made things worse-and stopped throwing away their money, started throwing away themselves. First there was the foreman from the novelty hat factory who ended a three-day meth binge with a fatal belly flop into the pits from an overlooking hill, a Christmas-caroling porkpie hat still snug on his head. Then there was his grieving wife, who hijacked the hearse during her husband’s funeral and drove him into the tar for the second time (and herself for the first, and last). Soon, like a dam of humanity bursting, there were more-young men who had lost their way, middle-aged men who had lost everything, old men who had nothing left to lose, leaping and diving and driving rented Hyundais into the pits-and the local news added a regular Suicide section to its evening broadcasts, in between Sports and the Weather. The anchors became experts at transitioning seamlessly from slam dunks and blocked field goals and wacky baseball bloopers to the self-destruction of human life, and then to warm fronts, cold fronts, five-day forecasts and barometric pressure. By this time, Maxine was long gone, had stopped answering my phone calls, stopped responding to my letters, and now when my shift at Neil Armstrong’s is done I walk outside to find no one waiting for me but the novelty hat-wearing homeless, circling me like buzzards and begging for whatever I can spare from my tips. The tar is surrounded by caution tape. The Shark rests on blocks on Maxine’s parents’ front lawn. My pennies remain in my hands, not going to the tar, not going to the homeless, not going to anyone, saved in Mason jars beneath my bed for when my wishes no longer feel like a waste.

I’ll get your orders to the kitchen lickety-split.

Lunch

WELCOME TO Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. My name is Mitch and I will be your server this afternoon.

For starters, can I get you anything to drink?

Water, of course. A shrewd choice. Especially in these times of economic turmoil. Why, just yesterday the economic turmoil was such that our air conditioning quit working and we discovered a family of four living in our ventilation system. They had been subsisting for several weeks on NutraSweet packets, lemon slices, and pancake batter, and had made bedding out of the insulation. Now, I don’t know about you, but in times like these I find it a great comfort to know that I can walk into any restaurant and be served a nice, cold, refreshing glass of water with not a penny in my pocket. I can quench my thirst, wet my whistle, satisfy my most basic biological needs with delicious fluoridated, chlorinated municipal water at no financial detriment to myself. Yes, it’s good to know that even amid our town’s complete economic collapse, in which parents attempt to sell their children on eBay, in which thieves steal wheelchairs from the elderly for the scrap metal, in which truck stop hookers add hidden fees and surcharges to even the most basic sexual acts to compensate for the rising cost of oil-based lubricant and latex, some things, thank God, will always be free.

Oh-bottled water. That will be $3.50, plus tax.

I’ll have your waters coming right up.

* * *

Hello, thank you for calling Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. How may I help you?

Amanda Hugandkiss? You wish to know if Ms. Hugandkiss is dining with us this afternoon? Well, let’s see-is Ms. Hugandkiss about fourteen years old and pregnant and prone to breaking out in tears while ordering three-cheese omelets? No. Does Ms. Hugandkiss wear garish makeup and see-through leggings and make frequent, unbecoming offers to restaurant patrons despite the sign on our front entrance that clearly says, “No Soliciting”? No. Maybe if you described Ms. Hugandkiss’s distinguishing characteristics I would better be able to assist you in your search for the woman in question. For starters, what color are her eyes? Brown. What sort of brown? For instance, my ex-girlfriend Maxine’s eyes were a warm brown, like milk chocolate, or expensive lacquer-finished wood. What sort of wood? I would posit walnut, or mahogany. The same brown one associates with unusually fertile soil-rich, earthy. The same brown that one imagines must have inspired Van Morrison to write “Brown Eyed Girl” in the months preceding the Summer of Love.

Just brown. Okay. How about her hair? Black. Maxine’s hair was also black, until she started dying it. She experimented with her hair often-both color and style-teasing it into updos, Afros, towering bouffants housing quail nests and Civil War dioramas: Antietam, Gettysburg, the March to the Sea. A simple bob-no, I don’t think Maxine ever had one of those. Oh, you mean Ms. Hugandkiss. Yes, of course. How about Ms. Hugandkiss’s skin? White. Maxine’s was brown, but not the brown of her eyes. It was dark instead of milk chocolate. It was ebony instead of walnut. Her teeth were white, though. Boy, were they ever. They were snow white, wedding white, the white you see on toothpaste commercials and promotional posters in dentist’s offices. It’s that white that sticks most firmly in my memory. Even now, whenever I get a tooth pulled, or a cavity filled, or a canal rooted, I stare at those posters as cold metal painfully probes my mouth and can’t help but think of Maxine.

But we’re not trying to find Maxine, are we? We’re trying to find Ms. Hugandkiss: eyes brown, skin white, hair black and bobbed. No, I don’t believe I see anyone like that in our restaurant. I am deeply sorry. I so wish that I could snap my fingers and say, “Yes, that’s her next to the framed portrait of Neil Armstrong competing in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls,” and seconds later you would be able to hear Ms. Hugandkiss’s sweet voice replace mine on the telephone, but unfortunately I cannot. It is not within the scope of my abilities. However, if you leave me a number where I can reach you, perhaps she will turn up at a later time and I can notify you via the telephone, and you will hear Ms. Hugandkiss on the line, and all will again be right with the world.

Thank you. You are most accommodating. I wish you more than luck.

We value and treasure your call to Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House, and wish you a very pleasant day.

* * *

Welcome to Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. My name is Mitch and I will be your server this afternoon.

For starters, can I get you anything to drink?

How sweet is The Eagle Has Landed Iced Tea? That is an excellent question. I would say that it is sweeter than unsweetened iced tea. It is sweeter than grapefruit juice, and blood, and a mouthful of dirt. But it is not as sweet as, say, a refreshing Pepsi-Cola product, or a dripping honeycomb, or the kiss of a lover who’s been chewing spearmint gum.

You’ve never kissed someone who’s been chewing spearmint gum? Why, that’s very unfortunate. You should try it as soon as possible!

You’re a priest. My apologies, Father. How very discourteous of me.

Let me then describe for you what it’s like.

My ex-girlfriend, Maxine, was a huge fan of a particular brand of spearmint gum called Professor Albert’s. Professor Albert’s was unique among gum brands in that it included short excerpts from master’s theses and doctoral dissertations in every pack. Often, when Maxine picked me up from Neil Armstrong’s, she would have just purchased a Professor Albert’s from Bergmann’s Pharmacy next door, and it became a ritual for us to open the packaging together and for Maxine to read the academic text out loud, into my ear, as the radio played a favorite soft rock hit of the ’70s, ’80s, or ’90s and I ran my fingers along her skin, through her hair. I wish I could convey to you, Father, the anticipation I felt, the burning desire, as she whispered into my ear phrases like “optimal frequency displacement duration” and “extracellular matrix production in monolayers of invertebral disc cells” and “Lagrangian coherent structures and transport in two-dimensional incompressible flows with geophysical applications,” her voice low and sultry, her breath warm and fragrant, the sweet smell of spearmint wafting its way into my nostrils. No one could make bibliographic citations sound more erotic. No one could make the esoterics of academia sound sexier.

When the excerpt ended-usually mid-sentence-she would fall silent, for a long, long time, and the only sounds would be the Shark’s engine and the soft rock favorite and Maxine’s breath, warm and pulsating against my ear. Sometimes it would stay like this for an entire song, sometimes two-especially Back-to-Back Fridays, when the radio would play double helpings of The Eagles, Kansas, Elton John: “Desperado” and “Take it to the Limit,” “Tiny Dancer” and “Candle in the Wind.” And when she finally kissed me, Father, it-it’s hard to describe, but-you know how in the Bible, in the Old Testament, they refer to the Promised Land as the land of milk and honey? And, as we’ve all tasted milk, and we’ve all tasted honey, we’re aware that both, though certainly enjoyable, aren’t necessarily so earth-shattering, flavor-wise, to warrant inclusion as the Specials of the Day in Paradise? And yet, even still, we get the feeling that in the Promised Land milk transcends milk, honey transcends honey, so that after our forty years in the desert we expect to find scores of men and women in long, flowing white robes downing jugs of milk as if death-desperate with thirst, slathering their steaks and salads and latkes and lamb kebabs and faces and breasts and beards with honey, everyone emitting near-orgasmic moans of pleasure as their taste receptors are overwhelmed by stimuli more potent and electric and life-altering than we could ever begin to imagine. Well, kissing Maxine was like tasting the Promised Land. She was my milk, and my honey.

Father, I do not know what your experience with kissing was before you answered the sacred call of the cloth, but there are many different types of kisses, kissers, kissees. In films you have no doubt seen some examples-the light peck, the adolescent tongue joust, the passionate lip suction as buildings burn and aliens hover and meteors hurtle toward the Earth-but there are more, many more than Hollywood or television would lead us to believe exist. There are kisses that make you think about the past, and the future, and poetry, and soft rock, and Shakespeare. There are kisses that make you think about sex, and commitment, and philandery, and boredom, and love. There are kissers who make contracts with their lips, treaties with their tongue; kissees who accept or reject or bargain with teeth and suction and saliva. There are kisses that stop time, and pass it; preserve time, and dismantle it; abandon time, and restore it. There are kisses that make you think about neurochemistry. There are kisses that make you think about neoconservatism. There are kisses that make you think about the stock market.

Father, what I want to convey to you is not which category Maxine’s kisses fell into, because they fell into so many, but merely the fact that the sum total of all her kisses-the composite kiss, the three year accumulation of God knows how much saliva and spit and spearmint-still has the power, when recalled, to devastate me, to leave me completely incapacitated. Even now, if I accept a piece of gum from a coworker and realize too late it’s a Professor Albert’s, the memory of Maxine comes flooding back-every kiss, every soft rock favorite, every academic passage about flow cytometrics and organophosphorus acid anhydrolase and hypoxic/acidotic cardiomyocyte-and I can’t move, can’t speak, can only stand catatonically still in my pressurized spacesuit and wait for my paralysis to pass. And even when I come to, when I regain my speech, my composure, my motor functions, she still lingers, still haunts me, as long as the taste of Professor Albert’s spearmint lingers in my mouth-the taste of sweetness, and bitterness; of fondness, and regret; of milk laced with bovine growth hormone and honey artificially constructed by lab-coat wearing scientists, their bioengineered ambrosia bottled and sold in the gleaming Wal-Marts of the Promised Land at twenty percent off, with coupon, while supplies last. So when I say that Maxine’s kiss is sweeter than The Eagle Has Landed Iced Tea, Father, know that it is, unquestionably it is, but also know that the aftertaste is far more bitter, and salty, and metallic, and sad.

No longer feeling like iced tea, then? Diet Pepsi. Of course. A shrewd choice. Delicious. Low-calorie. Carbonated. What more could anyone ask for?

A garnish of lemon. Of course.

I’ll have your drink coming right up.

* * *

Hello folks, here are your waters. Are you ready to order, or do you need some more time?

Wonderful. Let’s start with you, sir, in the booth seat. The Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster Memorial Cheese Steak, of course. A perennial favorite. And you, sir, next to the framed photo of Neil Armstrong playing Danny Zuko in a regional theater production of Grease. The same. Very good. Great minds think alike. Is there anything else I can get you?

The hostess’s phone number. I’m sorry, but that is not within the scope of my abilities. How about an appetizer instead? There is a special on the garlic bread, and both the Beer Battered O-Rings and the John Glenn Signature Cheese Sticks are exceptionally delicious.

You just want the hostess. I understand, but again, I cannot help you. The seven digits, plus area code, that you seek are sadly not in my possession. I am asked this question often, more often than you could ever imagine, and each time that I must inform my valued customers that I am unable to assist them, that, despite repeated attempts to obtain the phone numbers of the hostess, the dishwashers, the absolute fox from the Department of Health who inspects Neil Armstrong’s for code violations, I have been completely unsuccessful with my amorous inquests, it is with grave disappointment, with a dagger digging into my cold, black heart, that I let my customers down. That I fail to deliver on Neil Armstrong’s promise of 100% satisfaction, of unparalleled customer service. But, in my defense, know that my inability to relieve the fairer sex of their contact information is in no way a product of my disregard or contempt for my customers, but is rather the result of certain handicaps unfortunately inherent with employment at America’s fastest-growing space exploration-themed pancake house. For instance, my pressurized spacesuit is very inconvenient to clean, and so I often reek of weeks-old syrup and pancake batter. Also, due to staffing shortages I often have to work both the afternoon and the night shift, and so by 3 or 4 a.m. my mental acuity is so reduced that any flirtation with the dishwashers is inevitably conducted in monosyllabic, Neanderthal grunts. I do not know what methods you employ in pursuit of romantic connection, but I would posit that if you found yourself in my weighted, low gravity-compensating shoes you would discover that your available options for approaching the opposite sex would be severely limited. Your come-hither stares would be ignored, your furtive glances would go unacknowledged, your surefire pickup lines would fall flat. You could try every trick in the book, pull out all the stops-shower her with compliments, lavish her with roses, memorize the Romantics, utilize a wingman, fabricate a personal tragedy, borrow an adorable dog, achieve Swarzeneggerian musculature, pretend to be an orphan, pretend to be Italian, pretend to be French, read self-improvement manuals, romantic comedy screenplays, articles in men’s magazines with cover headings such as “Is Your Girlfriend Hot Enough?” and “101 Great Moments in Fellatio” and “How to Turn Her ‘No’ Into a ‘Yes!’”-but sooner or later you would learn what I have learned, as, presumably, has Neil Armstrong, judging from the framed photo showing him loitering alone and in full astronaut attire by the punch bowls at a NASA Alumni spring dance. Which is this: Engaging in the delicate art of seduction in a pressurized spacesuit, spheroidal dome helmet, and moon boots is about as viable as traveling through outer space in an Oldsmobile.

Yes, I will admit, my dating life has become rather barren. As of late, it’s gotten so bad that I’ve become a nearly nightly regular of the Surgeon General’s Bar and Grill. The Surgeon General’s is where our town’s most desperate and lonesome singles go to inhale secondhand smoke and guzzle overpriced beer and seek out sexual entanglement as a jukebox plays public service announcements about diabetes, exposed power lines, throat cancer. There are cigarette warning labels on the walls, and a floor-to-ceiling Hippocratic staff in the back, on which gaunt-looking strippers named after antidepressants dance. The waitresses and bargirls wear skimpy, cutoff hospital scrubs, and the many wall-mounted televisions broadcast live operating room footage of biopsies, vasectomies, colonoscopies, breast implantation. Everyone is too drunk and despondent to speak, and so we instead joylessly and artlessly make eye contact and hold up complimentary placards with pre-printed pickup lines: “Come here often?” “What’s your sign?” “If you were aspirin I would take you every four to six hours.”

Understand that none of us ever dreamed we’d end up here, night after night, reflexively raising and lowering our placards like bolo tie-wearing Texans at a cattle auction, but the other available options are even worse. There are the Russian mail-order brides, who have lived in an abandoned Kentucky Fried Chicken down by the river ever since their unsatisfied husbands attempted to return them via the US Mail, bound with packing tape and swathed with commemorative stamps. There is GarageSaleOfLove.com, in which enterprising and loveless venders offer dinette sets and futons and Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records in exchange for dates, or kisses, or a single conciliatory embrace. There are the truck stop hookers, who, in these tough economic times, are forced to entice customers with clearance sales, holiday giveaways, contests and raffles for free hand jobs, blow jobs, flavored prophylactics. And then, of course, there’s plain old loneliness: microwave dinner for one, calendar blank, cell phone silent, television broadcasting America’s Sexiest Data Entry Specialists with the sound off as the radio plays favorite soft rock hits of the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s-”Summer Breeze,” “The Air That I Breathe,” “My Heart Will Go On.”

I’ll get your orders to the kitchen lickety-split.

* * *

Hello, Father, here is your Diet Pepsi with a garnish of lemon. Are you ready to order, or do you need some more time?

The Mama Armstrong’s World Famous Pigs in a Blanket. Of course. With the hash browns, Father? Good man. A side order you will not regret.

Is there anything else I can get you?

You wish to know about the indigent in the parking lot sorrowfully staring at you through the floor-to-ceiling window. Of course. His name is Bill. Once a coworker of my father’s. Now, like my father: unhinged, unfit, unemployed. You are currently occupying his once-favorite seat.

Bill’s story goes something like this.

Back in the good old days, when there was still Family Night at the tar pits, Bill belonged to that rare and anthropologically fascinating sub-subspecies of Homo sapiens sapiens known as the Neil Armstrong’s Regular. A creature known chiefly for its habitat of Formica tables and vinyl-covered booths and its specialized omnivorous diet of pancakes, sausage links, maple syrup, and scrambled eggs. Bill, whose job at the novelty hat factory involved applying propellers to thousands of remote control sombreros idling lazily by on a conveyor belt, had been a Neil Armstrong’s Regular ever since a rough patch of heavy drinking landed him in AA in the early Oughts, his nightly twelve-step meetings taking place in the basement of a full-service bait and tackle shop called Teach a Man to Fish located in the strip mall across the street from our restaurant. This same basement, it’s worth mentioning, also was and still is used by AA’s compulsion-busting cousins SA-Sexaholics Anonymous-and NA-Narcotics Anonymous. It’s no secret to anyone in town that a healthy percentage of our Regulars are either fishing enthusiasts or are recovering alcoholics, sex fiends, or heroin addicts.

So, Bill was a recovering alcoholic, and a Regular, and ate dinner at Neil Armstrong’s every weekday evening at precisely six o’clock. This gave him a good hour and forty-five minutes to decompress from assembly line monotony in Neil Armstrong’s syrup-scented interior until he had to walk across the street to make his 8 p.m. AA meeting beneath Teach a Man to Fish. Because so many of our Regulars were struggling with addiction-”One day at a time,” they’d often say after ordering their waters, their refreshing Pepsi-Cola products, “God grant me the serenity . . .”-our Regulars tended to be rather obsessive-compulsive with their dining habits, replacing their chemical lust for alcohol or opiates or orgasms with an equally intense but less socially stigmatized addiction to buttermilk pancakes, pork sausage links; warm, ooey-gooey biscuits. There was, for instance, Pascal, a former dopehead who always ordered the Mission Control Special with the warm fruit compote and whipped topping, every time, without fail, plus with the special instructions that the whipped topping be applied in seven discrete white dots resembling the named stars of the constellation Ursa Minor. There was Debra, a four months sober alcoholic who always ordered The Eagle Has Landed Ice Tea without the pioneer spirit of the inaugural moon landing and the Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster Memorial Cheese Steak without the cheese. There was Treat, a recovering sex maniac who always ordered the Cape Canaveral-Style Griddle Cakes with a side salad containing extra cucumbers but no carrots or chopped egg or romaine lettuce or baby corn, five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, religious and federally observed holidays not exempt.

And then, there was Bill.

Bill’s substitute addiction, unlike those of his Neil Armstrong’s pancake and maple syrup-craving co-addicts, was not, at its root, culinary. Rather, it involved seating arrangements. Every workday, at twelve noon, during Bill’s lunch break, he would call our hostess, Patsy, and request that his favorite booth be reserved for six o’clock sharp. We don’t take reservations at Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House, never have, but there was certainly no use in telling this to Bill. Just as Bill’s brothers and sisters in AA and NA and SA attempted to maintain twelve-step homeostasis and quell their respective self-destructive urges via the familiar tang of Neil Armstrong’s fresh-squeezed orange juice, the familiar fluffiness of our buttermilk pancakes, the familiar patriotic/caffeinated buzz of The Eagle Has Landed Iced Tea, Bill sought refuge from his own dipsomaniacal demons in the familiar comforts of his favorite vinyl-covered corner booth. The same booth, Father, in which you now enjoy your ice-cold Diet Pepsi, with a garnish of lemon. Bill would make his lunch break phone call, work the rest of his shift, punch out, go home, get changed, and show up at Neil’s at six o’clock sharp; and if the booth-his booth-was occupied: Ho boy. Trouble. To his credit, he wouldn’t make a big scene or anything. He wouldn’t harangue Patsy at her hostess’s podium, wouldn’t rant and rave, wouldn’t utter that dreaded contempt-coated phrase: I’d like to speak to your manager. But he would wander the restaurant interior, zombie-like, and make small children cry as he lingered dead-eyed and sallow-faced by their restaurant-provided high chairs. He would inadvertently collide with Neil Armstrong’s servers and send bottomless coffee spilling all over their impossible-to-clean chalk-white pressurized suits. He would stagger violently into paying customers’ Formica tables while attempting to study the framed photos of Neil Armstrong with Nixon, Warhol, Cassavetes, and Sartre, and cause the Neil Armstrong Classic or the One Small Step for Man Meal Deal or the Mission Control Special with warm fruit compote and whipped topping to careen onto some recovering wino’s or fishing enthusiast’s or hardcore sex animal’s or methadone clinic outpatient’s lap. So-Patsy took Bill’s reservations. She wrote herself a note on a sticky yellow Post-It and place-saved Bill’s booth with life-size cardboard cutouts of the crew of Apollo 11 every weekday afternoon at 4:30 p.m., just to be safe. For one and a half hours the mute, immobile, corrugated, two-dimensional crew of Apollo 11 held court in Bill’s booth, delighting small children, unwittingly posing for family photo ops, staring off into the distance in disparate directions heroically, patriotically, and unblinkingly; and then at six o’clock sharp Bill strolled into Neil Armstrong’s with a smile-Hiya Patsy, what’s new?-and Patsy gave the servers the signal to remove the cardboard Neil, Buzz, and Michael Collins from Bill’s booth and then showed Bill to his seat-Right this way, Mr. Bill-and Bill politely ordered his food, ate without incident, and left his server a generous twenty-five to thirty percent tip. No wandering. No collisions. No former heroin addicts or boozehounds or sex fiends with maple syrup all over their laps. No harm. No foul. No crying children. Everybody won.

Then, the factory shut down.

I remember the last day of its operation distinctly. My father, coming home, exhaling deeply, collapsing onto the couch and not getting up. My mother, returning from her shift at Shave ‘n Save, dog-tired, oblivious, slapping at my father’s back-”Goddammit Walt, you’re lying on the remote!” I worked the late shift at Neil Armstrong’s that day and I saw men weeping into piles of golden buttermilk pancakes. I saw women, some visibly pregnant, tear at their clothes, gnash their teeth, rub hash browns all over their skin. I saw long lines of laid-off novelty hat employees congregating outside the Surgeon General’s, across the street, next door to Teach a Man to Fish, accepting free samples of prescription medication from sexy pharmaceutical reps in leather corsets and fishnet stockings who dispensed their complimentary pain-dulling pills beneath a flickering marquee announcing the “GlaxoSmithKline All-Nude Revue” in all-business sans-serif font. And I saw Bill, asleep, in his favorite booth, where he remained, peaceful and unconscious, well into the wee hours of the morning.

After the factory closed down, the mood in Neil Armstrong’s was funereal. Some female customers wore mourning veils; others solemnly gripped the stems of white lilies; almost everyone, male and female, wore black. Bill, no longer occupied with eight hours a day of assembly line work, dutifully outfitting remote control sombreros (Maximum cruising altitude of 75 feet!) with rotary propellers, spent most of his waking hours, plus many of his non-waking ones, at Neil Armstrong’s, in his favorite booth, drowning his sorrows in maple syrup and heavy country-style gravy.

“God grant me the serenity . . .” he said, tearfully, to the cardboard crew of Apollo 11 sharing his seat in solidarity.

The jukebox played “Dust in the Wind,” “Waiting ‘Round to Die,” assorted Hungarian dirges.

“Easy does it,” said Bill. “First things first. There’s no gain without pain. One day at a time.”

Soon, the Regulars started relapsing. Our dishwashers and busboys would take out the trash and find our AWOL valued customers, in flagrante delicto, out back, drunk or high or fornicating in our commercial dumpster. It is my opinion, Father, that one does not truly understand the crippling power of addiction until he sees a once upstanding and universally admired member of the community-a Boy Scoutmaster, for example, or a volunteer fire marshal, or the conductor of the local youth orchestra-passed out, in an alcoholic stupor, on a bed of rancid syrup and maggot-infested pancake batter. Until he sees a former three-time All-Conference offensive lineman once known countywide as “The Immovable Beast” sprawled in an opiate haze amid expired bacon, ancient dill pickles, congealed coleslaw; until he sees a TV weatherman and a Russian mail-order bride-cum-”full service masseuse” making uncomfortable, desperate, syrup-coated love on a dense mound of discarded sausage, their expressions pleasureless and grim. At this time we also discovered, in our dumpsters, and in our streets, and on our median strips, and in our waterways: untold thousands of novelty hats. Disgruntled former employees breaking into the factory late at night and escaping with novelty hats by the sackful; raging recession victims and shareholders burning oscillating homburgs, Name That Tune mortarboards, and AM/FM trilbies in a large bonfire in front of the local Wells Fargo bank; turbulent Santa Ana-style winds carrying the surviving merchandise all across our depressed, despondent, dead elm-riddled town. For the most part everyone suffered-shopkeepers lost their customers, real estate agents were unable to sell new homes, professional clowns performed at children’s birthday parties and were paid only in surplus cake icing-but the news channels, of course, had a never-ending field day. Plucky gel-haired reporters on location in boarded-up, hat-littered downtown, intoning solemnly about our town’s desolation and depravity and swirling funnel clouds of glow-in-the-dark fedoras. News anchors in crisp suits and tight-fitting sweaters and cleavage-revealing blouses nodding their heads empathically: “And now to Stu, for suicides and the weather.” Civic leaders appealed to the local government for assistance, but it did little good. Marches and rallies were staged with spotty attendance. Buttons and bumper stickers were passed out, then found minutes later tossed onto the curb. The mayor’s office did institute one protestor-appeasing program-a city beautification project wherein church and youth and other volunteer groups were to collect the surplus street-littering hats and deposit them in various Goodwill and St. Vincent de Paul drop-off boxes located throughout our town-but after it was discovered that a colony of drug-addicted indigents were using said drop-off boxes for intravenous injections and shelter, and a growing subset of the truck stop hookers were using the boxes to clandestinely and gratuitously pursue their commercial interests, the project was scrapped, the drop-off boxes were abandoned, and our streets and sidewalks and lawns remained covered in polyester, suede, leather, and felt.

And yet through all of this-the layoffs, the outrage, the helplessness, the littering, the frustration, the growing number of ex-Regulars boozing and screwing and shooting up in St. Vincent de Paul drop-off boxes and in our restaurant’s solid waste-Bill kept coming into Neil Armstrong’s. Despite the economic hardship and the count-on-one-hand crowds at AA meetings and the neon temptations of the Surgeon General’s flickering Miller Lite and Heineken and Budweiser: King of Beers window display signs, Bill kept sitting in his beloved seat, kept devouring pancakes and pork sausage links, kept spilling his sorrows to cardboard Neil and Buzz, kept saying No to the seductions of the bottle.

My father, meanwhile, remained on our living room couch. Sleeping all day, moaning low in the night, befouling his underclothes and the upholstery unless my mother stood watch diligently with the bedpan. At first my mother was heartbreakingly tender and understanding and acquiescent. She gently tousled my father’s unwashed hair, empted the bedpan’s contents without complaint, spoke to my father only in the most hushed, loving, and non-combative of tones.

“Whenever you feel ready to discuss this, Walt, honey, dear, I’ll be right here, on the BarcaLounger, you need only to say the word  . . .”

But even the most devoted and giving and selfless of spouses has her limit. Even the kindest and truest of hearts can only take so much. My mother’s heart, for instance, could not quite take my father’s lifeless, unseemly, ripe-smelling husk remaining on our living room couch during her own parents’ announced-at-the-last-minute Easter visit from Tacoma, Washington. Could not quite take the inevitable concerned parental lines of questioning once she explained that my father would not be able to attend Easter mass, would not be able to help decorate brightly dyed hard-boiled eggs, would not be able to shake her parents’ hands or respond to external stimuli or bathe, clothe, shave, feed, or hygienically relieve himself, due to his being gripped by catatonia ever since losing his job ensuring the quality control of novelty hats. And so, after a particularly exhausting and emotionally taxing and syrup-splattering shift at Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House, I had to help my five foot nothing, 100-pound former ballerina mother carry my ex-middle-linebacker father up the precarious uncarpeted stairs to the master bedroom. The bedroom where he has remained ever since, minus brief interludes in the nearby bathroom for periodic upkeep and maintenance. To cover for my father’s conspicuous absence during my maternal grandparents’ Good Friday through Easter Monday visit, my mother said that my father was away on vacation, out East, touring the most well-tended and photogenic gravesites of the Union’s and the Confederacy’s Civil War dead. She explained that Easter season was a particularly appealing time of year for historical graveyard tourism, due to pleasant weather and festive holiday hotel discounts and the profusion of nearby large-scale reenactments of famous battles such as Shiloh and Chickamauga and the Wilderness, and explained away my father’s faintly audible low moaning by chalking it up to either the wind, residential traffic, or our home’s antiquated heating and ventilation system. There is no doubt that enduring my grandparents’ ill-timed Easter visit with a secretly deranged and motionless and incontinent husband hidden away in her bedroom was very hard on my mother. No doubt that for the entirety of her elderly parents’ four-day, three-night stay my mother’s mind and body were on Terror Alert Level Red: Severe Threat of Nervous Breakdown or Anxiety/Panic Attack. But, to her immense credit, she remained strong. She valiantly weathered our pastor’s wirelessly amplified Easter sermon on God’s Love Shining Radiantly Upon Us Even As Our Loved Ones Lose Their Livelihoods and Succumb to Vice and Propel Themselves in Rented Hyundais Into the Tar Pits. She bravely kept it together during the Prayer of Thanks at post-Mass brunch, the pastel revelry of at-home Easter egg consumption, the grandfather-suggested familial viewing of Ben-Hur on DVD with subtitles in simplified Chinese that my mother didn’t even bother trying to turn off. But, again, there is only so much a tender and true heart can take. When Easter Monday came, and my mother dropped her kiss-blowing parents off at Sacramento International, and she returned home to me finishing off the Easter vodka straight from the bottle on the now-available living room couch and to her catatonic husband still in the master bedroom, in bed, staring at the ceiling, not blinking, moaning low-she lost it. My mother screaming. Kicking. Flailing. Cursing. Taking the Lord’s name repeatedly and effusively in vain. The vodka hadn’t yet kicked in so I was thankfully able to dodge the chocolate rabbit and baby chick heads flying at me as my mother judo-chopped the leftover Easter candy. I was able to ferry the most irreplaceable of our family heirlooms and the most expensive of our audio/visual equipment to the safety of the downstairs bathroom, where I locked myself in until the sounds of living room smashing and clattering and screaming ceased. Of course, when they did finally cease, I was quite drunk. My first clue that I was quite drunk was when I tried to exit the bathroom, unsuccessfully, for ten minutes, and then realized I had been accidentally flushing the toilet instead of turning the door handle. My second clue that I was quite drunk was when I finally did turn the door handle, and open the door, and exit the bathroom; and I abruptly fell flat on my face.

One of the first things I noticed, after impact, from my worm’s-eye view prostrate on the hardwood floor, was that there was Easter chocolate everywhere. On the windows. On the bookshelves. On the family portraits. On the blinds. In some places the shards of shattered chocolate were anatomically discernable: ears on the couch, beaks on the BarcaLounger, cottontails on the coffee table, wings on the fake Persian rug. But in other places, the confectionary remains were unrecognizable. Discolorations on the floorboards. Abstract expressionism on the walls. Rorschach blots on the radiator, the curtains, the ceiling. Ugly, brown, fecal-looking smears on the Hardy Boys series, the collected works of Danielle Steel, all thirty-two volumes of the Encyclopædia Britannica.

“It’s okay,” said my mother, calm, collected, resting on the chocolate-covered couch. “We can get through this. People have gotten through worse. Compare this to Dresden, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Stalingrad. Compare this to Bataan, Chernobyl, Bhopal, Darfur. See, really this is nothing. This is small potatoes. Bush league. Kids’ stuff. Compare this to Sarajevo. Compare this to Gaza, Fallujah, Rwanda, the Trail of Tears. What history tells us is that people can survive anything. That people are resilient. That people always find a way. Compare this to Kashmir. Compare this to Dachau, Terezinstadt, Auschwitz, Buchenwald. The key is to remember that things could be far, far worse. The key is to maintain a proper perspective.”

The alcohol now coursing through my bloodstream had made up fifty percent of the Easter vodka I had earlier consumed on the living room couch, before my mother started performing jujitsu on chocolate baby chicks and semi-sweet Easter bunnies. This meant that the vodka was 100-proof, at least as labeled in the United States. The clinical term for the effect the alcohol had on my eyesight was diplopia, double vision, which caused my mother to divide into two identical mothers, side by side, phasing in and out of convergence, both mothers with the same out-of-fashion clothes, the same out-of-fashion hairstyle, the same out-of-fashion facial expression of tenderness, resilience, and love. I tried to ocularly consolidate my two mothers into one, attempted unification, as with post-Berlin-Wall East and West Germany; but the vodka in my veins wouldn’t let me. I also attempted verticality, tried to raise myself several inches off the hardwood floor; but the vodka wouldn’t let me do that, either.

“What it comes down to is a choice,” said my mothers, both of them, one voice from two identical mouths. “In Column A, we have things like despair, anxiety, frustration. We have self-pity. We have surrender. We have helplessness, anger, depression, fear. And then we have Column B. Strength. Persistence. Courage and hope. Resolve, fortitude, tenacity. Love. This isn’t mix and match. It’s not build-your-own-burger; it’s not an all-you-can-eat buffet. It’s either all of one, or all of the other. Column A or Column B. Which do we choose? What do we decide? How do we live? Personally, I think the choice is really quite clear.”

The vodka was Polish. In our household it was used only for special occasions, such as holidays, birthdays, and surprise outcomes of major sporting events. I’m not actually a big vodka drinker, am more of a whiskey man, maybe the occasional rum and coke, but as the years go by and my need for therapeutic intoxication grows my palette becomes less and less discerning. For instance these days I mostly pound Miller Lite at the Surgeon General’s. Inelegant, yes, I know, Father. Vulgar. Unsophisticated. Plebeian. But, you want to know something? It still does the trick.

“So here’s what we’re going to do,” said my mother. “From now on, every day, every night, we are going to let your father know that we love him, no matter what. Even if he’s like this for weeks. Even if he’s like this for months, years, decades. Forever. It doesn’t matter. It makes no difference. The important thing is that he is your father, and my husband; and he is here; and he is loved.

“I admit that at first it will not be easy. It’s not going to be Happy Days. It’s not going to be Leave It To Beaver. But we’ve got to do our best. We’ve got to try. Column B. We’ve got to fight. Maybe we’ll have to do without some luxuries, until your father gets back on his feet. Cable. High speed internet. Netflix. Dining out. Daily showers. But don’t let it get you down. Don’t make your father think we are disappointed in him. That he is blamed; that he is at fault. Maybe we’ll have to sell some of the furniture. This couch might fetch more than you think. The coffee table, the BarcaLounger, the cabinets, the bureaus, our beds. EBay is a wonderful resource, for people in our situation. There is no reason he even has to know, until he’s fully recovered. It’s not like we’ll be dragging him downstairs any time soon. Plus, remember: the TV, the 5.1 surround system, the furniture-they’re all just things. Objects. Inorganic. Easily replaceable. The dining table might get us sixty or seventy. The liquor cabinet might get us forty-five.

“So maybe we’ll have to sell the house. Maybe we won’t be able to find any buyers, and the bank will foreclose, and we’ll have to move in with my parents in Tacoma. So be it. It’s not like Tacoma’s Trench Town. It’s not like Tacoma’s Kabul, Mogadishu, Port-au-Prince, Brazzaville, Tehran. Mount Rainier, for instance, is lovely. Vancouver is an easy day trip, and Seattle is only a thirty to forty minute drive. Of course, Tacoma itself is not without its own special charms. As far as accommodations, your father and I can sleep in my childhood room, which I’m pretty sure is now used for storing your grandmother’s antique push broom collection, and more likely than not your grandpa can clear out some space for you in the laundry room, or his study. It won’t be so hard to get used to the tighter living arrangements. It won’t be so hard to get used to NPR, the Home Shopping Network, C-SPAN, the Golf Channel. Compare Tacoma to Chiapas. Compare Tacoma to Siberia. It won’t be so hard to get used to bland home-cooked meals rich in fiber. It won’t be so hard to get used to the constant rains.

“See, there’s no other choice, really. We’re going to have to buck up. We’re going to have to steel ourselves. We’re going to have to grin and bear it. The key is to tell your father that we love him, every day, as often and as assertively as we can. It might not seem like he can hear us, but he can hear us. I know it. I’m sure of it. Let him know it’s OK, what he’s doing, that his catatonia is understandable. That it’s perfectly reasonable. That it’s par for the course. But also let him know, gently, that we want him back. We want him laughing again. Smiling. Talking. Singing along to the Eagles and Donna Summer and Huey Lewis and the News on the car radio. So maybe we’ll have to sell the radio. Maybe we’ll have to sell the car. Maybe he won’t be able to find another factory job, and will have to work minimum wage at KafkaBurger, or help me out over at the Shave ‘n Save, or sell bottled water and bootleg DVDs and perishable goods near busy intersections, possibly while wearing a sandwich board urging motorists to apply for adjustable interest rate loans. So what? Let him know it’s OK. Let him know it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he comes back. Let him know we just want him back.”

Three months later Bill maxed out his credit card. I was the one who swiped it. The one who read the digitized verdict-Declined. The one who bore Bill the bad news. Bill had not even been trying to find a new job, had instead been spending all day, every day, at Neil Armstrong’s, in his favorite booth, enjoying hearty portions of chicken fried steak and ooey-gooey biscuits as his relapsed AA mates wandered our parking lot-mumbling, twitching, begging, broke-and now it was finally time for Bill to face the music. The jukebox played “Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Summer” by Stevie Wonder. After that was “The Tears of a Clown.” I tried to return Bill’s credit card to him but he just kept shaking his head and saying he didn’t understand, so I explained his financial predicament, as best I could, using table salt and NutraSweet packets as visual aids. Table salt representing his credit card debt. NutraSweet packets representing his paychecks from applying propellers to novelty hats. Outside, the parking lot indigents fought desperately over the half-pecked-apart carcass of a squirrel, and inside I shook salt onto Bill’s Formica table until there was a Mount Rainier-like NaCl mound, ever growing, excess salt spilling onto the seats, the floor, the cardboard cutouts of Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin. Patsy gamely kept supplying me with more shakers. The mound grew and grew and grew. The salt overflow reached Bill’s side of the table, a snow of sodium flavor enhancement all over Bill’s polyester pants, and Bill became incredibly distraught. “What about the NutraSweet?” he said, quaveringly, wiping his crystalline credit card debt off of his slacks. I took the artificial sweetener packets and ripped them in half.

Bill buried his head in his hands and wept.

After further inquiries, it soon became clear that Bill was what Neil Armstrong’s employee handbook refers to as a “non-paying guest.” Someone with no cash in his wallet, no money in his bank account, no more available lines of credit-a non-customer, a trespasser, a leech. As per Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House company policy, I informed Bill that due to his inability to pay for his meal he would need to vacate our restaurant’s premises immediately. My exact wording-right out of the employee handbook-was: “On behalf of all of us at Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House, I’m going to have to ask you to enjoy the rest of your day outside the boundaries of our commercially zoned property.” But Bill wouldn’t budge. He bunkered down in his booth. He ignored my repeated verbal instructions, wrapped his legs around the Formica table’s pedestal base, and gripped a bottle of Heinz ketchup as if it were a talisman, a ward against fifty-seven varieties of evil. He brandished a salad fork. He begged me to let him stay.

“Please,” he said. “I won’t order any more food. I won’t ask you for a thing, won’t get in the way, won’t cost you a dime. I’ll be practically invisible. I’ll be quiet as a mouse. Please. Just let me stay in the booth.”

The employee handbook has a chapter entitled “The Customer Is Not Always Right.” It outlines the proper protocol for when a customer becomes verbally abusive, enters the restaurant belligerently drunk, utilizes ketchup and syrup bottles as deadly missiles, shoots indiscriminately at fellow patrons and Neil Armstrong’s staff with an illegally modified assault rifle, etc. There are helpful illustrated figures, and also charts and graphs. The protocol for when a non-paying guest refuses to voluntarily exit the restaurant is to assertively but non-combatively repeat verbal instructions for said guest to leave and to immediately notify the manager of the situation, in the event that more serious and law-enforcement-involving remedial steps need to be undertaken. As was expected of me, I repeated the appropriate verbal instructions. I spoke assertively and non-combatively. I immediately notified the manager of the situation. My response was a shining beacon of adherence to company protocol.

“I can wash the windows for you,” said Bill, undeterred, relinquishing the talismanic ketchup bottle and grasping my pressurized glove. “I can sweep the floors, empty the trash, refill the saltshakers, apply spackle, caulk, grout. I can file I-9 forms and vendors’ invoices. I can play soothing classical guitar sonatas and administer post-shift Swedish massages. I can change light bulbs, inspect for faulty wiring, perform routine maintenance on electrical equipment. I can wax. I can polish. I can buff. I can scrub the toilets in the men’s restroom to a blinding porcelain shine.”

I felt sorry for Bill. Who wouldn’t? A good man, dealt a lousy hand. But protocol is protocol. No pay, no stay. The employee handbook could not be more clear. And yes, Father, I know that the Bible tells us to treat the less fortunate with compassion. Blessed are the poor, the meek shall inherit the earth, the hungry will be filled, etc. etc. But the employee handbook tells us that non-paying guests may not perform unpaid labor in exchange for meals or shelter. It tells us to thank all employment applicants for their interest, then direct them to the nearest restaurant exit with both firmness and tact. The employee handbook tells us nothing about the merciful, the peacemakers, the pure of heart, those persecuted for seeking righteousness. It tells us to make sure our company spacesuits are always sufficiently pressurized. It tells us the customer (”See ‘The Customer Is Not Always Right,’ pp. 147-193, for exceptions”) is always right.

“I can forage for food in the parking lot,” continued Bill, relentlessly. “I can drink rainwater. I can hunt squirrels, chipmunks, deer, feral cats, dogs. I can eliminate any possibility of a rodent infestation. I can make clothing from the skins of my kills. Just let me stay. Please. Let me stay in the booth.”

Certainly, Father, in a perfect world I would have said, “Sure.” I would have said, “Absolutely, not a problem, okey-doke, why not?” But look outside, Father. Do you see a perfect world? Does a perfect world contain, for instance, Russian mail-order brides covered head to toe in postage stamps? Does a perfect world contain truck stop hookers stoking the flames of barrel fires with surplus novelty hats? Does a perfect world contain parking lots littered with empty liquor bottles and used needles and condoms and hundreds of unwanted financial advice-dispensing sombreros and toothless indigents fighting vociferously over raw squirrel they are physically unable to even chew? I would posit the answer is: Nope. So, instead, I informed Bill that per company policy the booth was for customers only. In retrospect, this is what really set Bill off.

“But I am a customer!” he cried, tightening his grip on my glove. “For over three months now, every day-breakfast, lunch, and dinner-I am a customer! For breakfast I order the Neil Armstrong Classic. For lunch I order the Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster Memorial Cheese Steak. For dinner I order the Mission Control Special. I order multiple beverages. I order soups, salads, extra sides. I order appetizers. I elect to try dessert. How am I not a customer?”

As per company protocol, I remained assertive. I remained assertive, but non-combative. I politely reminded Bill of his outstanding total, which did not include the gratuity, and asked him how he would like to pay-cash or credit? Bill started twitching, and frothing at the mouth. His face grew strawberry red. His ranting did not cease.

“And before that, for three years, every weekday, six o’clock sharp, I am here. Always a full entrée. Always a soft drink. Always a twenty-five to thirty percent tip. Three years, in this same booth-what more do I have to do? Tell me. Enlighten me. Do I have to drink an entire bottle of maple syrup? Do I have to shower, daily, in pancake batter? Do I have to dress like Jane Fonda in Barbarella and orally service the manager in his office during slow hours? What do I have to do? What more do you want? Tell me.”

I told Bill we accepted Visa. I told him we accepted MasterCard. Eurocard. American Express.

“Please,” he said. “I’m not too proud to beg you. I’m not too proud to plead for mercy. I’m not too proud to get down on my hands and knees and grovel before you, clutch your pressurized uniform, bow my head in supplication, weep and wail, cover myself with ashes, wear a sackcloth, gnash my teeth.”

I told him we accepted Discover. I reminded him Novus was the same thing as Discover.

“Please,” he repeated. “I am a customer.” His hand, still clutching my glove, was shaking now. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. “I am a customer. I am a customer. I am a customer. I am a customer.”

“Diners Club,” I told him. “Traveler’s checks. Debit bank cards. Cash.”

The jukebox played “For What It’s Worth.”

The indigents in the parking lot captured a live cocker spaniel.

Bill’s hand shook like a half-broken washing machine.

“This booth is all I have.”

Eventually, with assistance from the local authorities, we were able to extract Bill from our restaurant and ensure that any attempts at reentry would result in the filing of criminal charges carrying the penalty of imprisonment and/or heavy fines. Not my proudest moment, certainly, but 100% by the book, in terms of Neil Armstrong’s company policy. At the same time, of course, I could appreciate and understand why Bill was so reluctant to leave the familiar comforts of his beloved corner booth. Why he bit the ear of our manager. Why he clawed at the faces of police. Why he kicked and thrashed and spit and chewed to avoid losing the last source of constancy and stability he had left. I never threatened police with a salad fork, never bit anyone’s ear, but I did, for instance, walk to the tar pits every day, after work, for a year, and throw away my loose change, wishing for Maxine to speak to me again. I did keep Maxine’s pictures taped to my bedroom walls, for months after she had left me, until finally replacing her photos and sketches and etchings with posters of attractive lingerie-clad women with whom I had no emotional connection; women whom I had never spoken to, whom I had never met. I did-and do-sometimes walk over to Maxine’s parents’ house, late at night, and jimmy open the door of the Shark so I can sit in the passenger’s seat, close my eyes, and relive the old days:  Professor Albert’s spearmint fragrant in the leather interior; soft rock favorites of the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s on the AM/FM radio; Maxine’s hands all over me-my chest, my shoulders, my thighs, my hair, my face, my scars, the places no one else has ever touched. But the Shark no longer actually smells like spearmint. I don’t have the key, so the radio is dead. Maxine’s hands are out East, running through somebody else’s hair, caressing somebody else’s face, tracing somebody else’s spine, exploring somebody else’s scars. And Bill is outside, as we speak, staring at you enjoying your refreshing Pepsi-Cola product in his favorite booth.

I’ll get your order to the kitchen lickety-split.

Dinner

WELCOME TO Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. My name is Mitch and I will be your server this evening.

For starters, can I get you anything to drink?

Diet Coke-no, I’m sorry, but Neil Armstrong’s only sells fine Pepsi-Cola products. Might I suggest a Diet Pepsi, or regular Pepsi, or Diet Pepsi’s closely related, ginseng-infused cousin, Diet Pepsi Max?

No. You want a Diet Coke.

Of course, I understand completely. You crave Diet Coke’s sweet tang, its cola bite. Its absence from our menu unsettles you, confuses you, frightens you. Long ago convinced of Coca-Cola’s superiority by ad saturation, by product placement, by anthropomorphic, cola-swilling bears, you find yourself in enemy territory, on unfamiliar ground, the logos garish, the slogans all wrong, the caramel coloring just a shade off. You are a stranger in a stranger in a strange land. You grasp blindly for the familiar. You curse the heavens, excoriate the saints, wonder aloud what kind of God would ever allow us to carry fine Pepsi-Cola products instead of your beloved, hallowed brand of choice.

But here’s the thing.

When Neil Armstrong’s started franchising its restaurants in the late ’70s, the brainchild of the same Dallas entrepreneur who had won the licensing rights for the Neil Armstrong Four-in-One Machine Lathe and the Neil Armstrong Practa-Matic Cordless Drill, Neil and the Board of Directors knew they were sitting on a gold mine. They struck a sweetheart deal with NASA for pressurized spacesuits. They explored synergistic tie-ins with ABC’s popular sitcom Mork & Mindy. They partnered with Dallas-Ft. Worth’s school districts to spread Neil Armstrong’s message of the importance of science education and delicious buttermilk pancakes to children. When it came time to ink a multi-million dollar beverage supply agreement, Neil Armstrong’s invited representatives from both Coca-Cola and Pepsi to visit the Pancake House’s handsome corporate office in Plano and make their sales pitches, and both soft drink giants sent their best men: young, tireless, driven, unconditionally dedicated to their companies. The men perfected Texas drawls on the flight to the Dallas-Ft. Worth International Airport. They arrived in Plano wearing expensive designer cowboy boots and company logo-emblazoned Stetson hats. The men gave their spiels, cited their figures, displayed their pie charts, dot plots, bar graphs, and Neil and the directors listened expressionlessly, hands folded, cufflinks gleaming, as their water glasses were refilled by attractive secretaries wearing skirts made of Space Age materials. When the pitches were finished-the Coke and Pepsi men’s closing arguments alluding to Lyndon Baines Johnson, the Yellow Rose of Texas, the Battle of the Alamo-the Chairman of the Board, a giant of a man, stood up from his seat next to spacesuit-wearing Neil Armstrong and addressed the soft drink men in his thick, trademark Texas twang.

“How bad yew want it?” he said. “How bad yew sonsabitches want it?”

The Coke and Pepsi men, both summa cum laude from Yale, indicated that they wanted the supply deal very badly. They presented flowcharts illustrating their passion, box-and-whisker plots corroborating their desire. But the Chairman of the Board was not appeased. He explained, in his colorful East Texan accent, that if they truly wanted the supply deal, if their desire was as strong as their flowcharts and bar graphs claimed, they would prove it to him.

“Yew boys married?” he said, and the Coke and Pepsi men said yes, they were.

“Happily married?” said the Chairman, eyebrow raised, and the beverage reps again answered in the affirmative.

The Chairman then made his offer: whoever was willing to call his wife, that moment, on the boardroom phone, and tell her he never loved her, would get the deal.

The Coke man was incredulous. Horrified. Stunned. “Surely you must be joking?” he said, but no one laughed. The directors remained expressionless. The Chairman narrowed his eyes. Neil Armstrong spit a wad of chewing tobacco onto the carpet. The Coke man took a step back, surveyed the bolo tie-wearing directors and the spacesuited Neil Armstrong with bewilderment and disgust, and shook his head.

“You’re crazy,” he said. “You’re all crazy.”

But the Pepsi man took a step forward. “Give me the phone,” he said, and the Chairman obliged.

The Pepsi man reached his young wife, Daisy, at their home in Charlotte, North Carolina. The Chairman pressed the speakerphone button, and the Board of Directors heard Daisy squeal with delight. “Why honey pie!” she said. “What a pleasant surprise!” The Pepsi man’s wife’s voice was sweet and musical, even when distorted by the speakerphone. The Board of Directors heard her tell her husband how lonesome she was for him, how she pined for him, how she counted down the hours until his return. “Howd’ya like Plano?” she said. “Are they feedin’ ya good? Is your hotel real nice? What’s Neil Armstrong really like?”

The Pepsi man, Daisy’s husband, ignored her.

“Sweetheart,” he said. “Remember that night beneath the bleachers of your old high school, when the moon was full, and the cottonwoods were shedding their seeds in the wind, and the air was electric with anticipation as I took you by the hand, and gazed deeply into your eyes, and told you, for the first time, that I loved you?”

“Why of course, sugar cakes,” said his wife, dripping sweetness over the phone line. “How could I forget?”

“Well, I was lying,” said the Pepsi man, matter-of-factly. “I didn’t love you, and I never have.”

The Pepsi man told his wife that he had married her for her family’s money. He said that their passionate, months-long courtship had been nothing but a calculated, cold-blooded charade. He said that he cherished the moments when he was not near her-the long hours at work, the business trips, the charity events for the American Heart Association and the March of Dimes-jumping at any excuse to rid himself of her, to extricate himself from their sham of a union. He said that he cheated on her. He said that he betrayed her darkest secrets to all his friends. He said that when he made love to her, when he kissed her, when he delicately stroked her hair and caressed her naked body with his fingers, his lips, his tongue, he imagined she was someone else-a lingerie model, a Hollywood actress, one of the chambermaids he routinely screwed in his hotel room on business trips-and it was only through artifice, through fantasy, that he was able to make physical intimacy with her bearable. On the speakerphone, the Board of Directors heard his young wife scream. They heard her scream, No, again and again and again. The Pepsi man continued, alphabetically listed his infidelities, detailed the depths of his deception, but all anyone could hear were his wife’s screams, saturating the phone line, exploding from the speaker. The directors kept their hands folded. Neil Armstrong chewed his chaw. The secretaries refilled glasses of water. The Pepsi man hung up the phone, the line went dead, and the Chairman extended his hand.

“Congrat’lations,” he said, and in this way the matter was settled.

So-Diet Pepsi, then? Wonderful. I knew you’d come around.

I’ll have your drink coming right up.

* * *

Hello, Father. Welcome back to Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House. Can I start you off with something to drink?

A Diet Pepsi. Of course. Ever popular tonight. Is there anything else I can get you?

You wish to know about the man who is weeping alone in the adjacent booth. Of course. He is a regular here, known to us all. As you will notice, there are two plates of the Neil Armstrong Signature Sampler on his table, one in front of him, and one in front of an empty seat. He and his wife used to eat here every Sunday evening, always ordering the Sampler, but she passed away last month from cervical cancer, and now he orders for himself and her ghost. The most curious thing, though, Father, is that he’s as happy as a clam when he comes in. He strolls to the booth, hums along to the jukebox, sits down, then orders for himself and his wife in a pleasant, singsong voice. “My wife’s running late,” he explains. “I expect she’ll arrive any minute.” As he waits for his food, he remains in high spirits. He jokes with the hostess. He makes faces at small children. He sings along with the songs he knows on the jukebox: golden oldies, Motown, anything by Sinatra. But then the food arrives-two identical platters of deep fried shrimp, golden brown chicken, and juicy, tender steak set down on his table-and he loses it. It finally hits him. He knocks over the saltshaker. He spills his beverage in his lap. He sobs into his entrée, his soup, his side of baked potato, onion rings, fries, or hash browns. The first time I felt bad for him and told him the meals were on me, had the total deducted from my paycheck, but then it happened the following week, and the week after that, and after a while his personal tragedy lost its emotional impact. It lost its novelty. It became just as sad as anything else, fading into the background, like the novelty hat-wearing indigents in the parking lot, like the Russian mail-order brides being returned to the post office across the street, like the framed photos of Neil Armstrong cradling the bodies of dead Sudanese children, tears streaming from Neil’s eyes. Now I let the man pay for both meals. He tips well. I help him stagger to the restroom, and then to his car, when it is time for him to go home.

Father, assuming that you never partook in the pleasures of the flesh prior to your ordination in the church, I would posit that it’s difficult for you to fully grasp what it’s like to lose someone who you’ve been intimate with. Someone whose head has left its imprint on your pillow, whose body has communed with your own, whose contours and topography are known to you the way mountain ranges and river basins are known to cartographers. Maxine is not dead, we were never married, but I feel like I understand, to some degree, the plight of the man in the adjacent booth. I understand his loneliness. I understand his confusion, his sadness, his denial. I understand why he can enter smiling and exit weeping: deep-fried shrimp, golden chicken, and USDA choice beef catalysts for incapacitating, heartrending misery. I understand the difficulty of facing that full plate served to an empty seat.

When Maxine left for college, out East, on scholarship, we were still quote-unquote “together.” The quintessential 21^st century long-distance relationship: multi-stamp packages, emoticon-laden instant messages, meticulously constructed mix CDs, exorbitant phone bills that greedily devoured my tips. The plan, as I saw it, was that by the time Maxine graduated with her bachelor’s in English literature I would already be well-established as a nose-to-the-grindstone, eyes-to-the-stars Assistant Manager at Neil Armstrong’s, well on my way up the company corporate ladder, so that as soon as Maxine found a job in some major metropolitan area, doing whatever it is people with degrees in English literature do, I could get transferred to the nearest Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House franchise and Maxine and I could find a cheap but attractive one bedroom apartment in a respectable part of town and local birds would sing arresting melodies at the first light of sunrise and life would be blissful and sweet. Certainly, in retrospect, the plan had its holes. Certainly, it contained a very real potential for disappointment and disaster. But at the time I wasn’t overly concerned with calculating my plan’s statistical probability of failure. At the time I wasn’t in the habit of performing cost-reward analysis on my dreams. Back then, in the Era of Good Feelings, in the silver years of novelty hats, I was unabashedly optimistic. Before the St. Vincent de Paul boxes became brothels and the Hyundai rentals became fossils, I was starry-eyed, fresh-faced, brimming with innocence and hope. Back then, as I accompanied Maxine to the airport, as I held her hand tenderly to the security line, as I tearfully watched her recede from me on an ascending escalator carrying her steadily, cruelly, and diagonally away, I was convinced, unwaveringly, completely, that love-like the love promised by the songs on Maxine’s impeccably sequenced mix CDs-would keep us together. That love would conquer all. That love would find a way.

Shows you what Yes, Lionel Richie, and Captain and Tennille know about love.

In the beginning, to their credit, Captain and Tennille et al. weren’t too far off, in terms of their advocacy of love’s adhesive properties. Long-distance love wasn’t perfect, but it seemed to beat the alternative. It seemed to beat breaking up. Maxine and I would talk on the phone daily, in the conversational windows between my shifts and her classes, and as we discussed the eccentrics in her dormitory, the eccentrics in my pancake house, the minutiae and punctilios and trivial pursuits of our lives now spent three thousand miles apart, I would close my eyes, listen to Maxine’s modulated, melodious voice, and imagine her lying beside me. My bedroom fragrant with Professor Albert’s spearmint. My mattress conforming to familiar contours. My body heated by Maxine’s radiated warmth. We talked, often for hours, Maxine describing the lifestyles of the rich and undergraduate, me describing the lifestyles of the wearers and manufacturers of novelty hats, and, for a while, at least, the sound of Maxine’s voice was enough to compensate for the conspicuousness of her corporeal absence. The parking lot, Shark-less, when I got off of work. The tar pits, eerily quiet, where I now made my one-cent wishes alone. This was the tail end of the Era of Good Feelings, when, despite my loneliness, my anxiety, my transcontinental separation from the English Lit major I loved, I was still able to conceive of Maxine and I as being essentially together, as opposed to apart-together thus meant in only the most spiritual and romantic and cosmic sense, rather than the more physical togetherness Maxine and I were accustomed to back in the silver years of novelty hats. Fingers clasped together in school hallways, supermarket aisles, back rows of movie theaters, recreationally zoned property. Lips pressed together in bedrooms, darkrooms, the geographic center of downtown, for all to see. Legs wrapped together beneath blankets, beneath the stars, on mattresses, futons, love seats, invasive California grass, backseat leather or vinyl. Bodies joined together in rapture, in ecstasy, in love-all these meanings, once in wide lexicographical use, now sadly archaic, obscure, dated, obsolete.

For a while, we tried phone sex. Please forgive me, Father, by the way, if I get too graphic for you. Feel free to stop me at any time. It is certainly not my intention to offend, embarrass, or titillate you. I keep forgetting you are a man of the cloth.

So, as I was saying, we tried phone sex . . .

Oh, and one more thing, before I continue. Quick question for you. Pop quiz. A theological conundrum that’s recently been on my mind. More specifically, has been on my mind ever since hearing a particularly soul-shattering sob story from one of the toothless indigents in the parking lot, concerning an old coworker of his and my father’s who used to install and maintain the incredibly powerful industrial saw blades used at the now-defunct novelty hat factory. So-are you ready, Father? Are you willing to put your dogmatic proficiency to the test and give this little moral quandary your best shot? OK. Here goes: According to Catholic doctrine, to the best of your knowledge, in the eyes of the Lord, post-Vatican II-is phone sex considered a sin?

Right. Of course. Sure, Father, I hear you.

But now consider the following situation.

A married couple. Married before God and family and invited guests in the Catholic Church. The couple, by pretty much anyone’s estimation, are model Catholics. They’re in the pews every Sunday; they’re tithing ten percent; they’re doing Ave Marias and Our Fathers and Glory Bes in checkout lines and during lunch breaks and after step aerobics and on public transportation. In their free time, the couple volunteer at halfway houses and soup kitchens. They donate canned goods to the victims of meteorological tragedies and sing “Holy Holy Holy” and “Salve Regina” and “Were You There When They Crucified My Lord?” in flowing white robes in the church choir. They abide by all ten out of ten commandments; they believe in one God and in one holy Catholic and Apostolic Church; and they engage in sexual intercourse only in the Church-sanctioned orifices and only with each other and always without the sinful conception-preventing aid of prophylactics. They know the Apostles’ and Nicene Creeds. They think Mel Gibson is misunderstood. Basically, they’re your prototypical un-canonized, suburban, working-class saints.

But then, there is an accident. Again, in the interest of not getting too graphic, Father, I’ll spare you the details, but, in short: an industrial saw blade is involved, as is lots of blood, as is a rather atypical variety of amputation, and the end result is that the male member of the couple is no longer anatomically capable of conceiving children. So, now, under Church doctrine, any sexual contact between the husband and his beloved, faithful, unbelievably supportive and comforting and understanding wife is automatically a sin. Why? Because, due to the accident, any sexual act the couple commits cannot possibly result in the creation of new life. Therefore: sin. Meaning confessions will need to be made. Meaning prayers of forgiveness will need to be offered. Meaning an extra Lincoln or Hamilton or Jackson will need to be stuffed in the collection basket, just to be safe. Well, obviously, both the husband and the wife are not too happy about this. Clearly, even after saying a few dozen Our Fathers and Ave Marias and Glory Bes and asking the Lord for guidance and grace, they find themselves in somewhat of a theological pickle. The husband and his wife are both very much still in love with each other, very much still crazy about one another-this despite the stress of the accident, the resulting emotional trauma, the remnant scars and pain and unsightly mutilation and disfigurement-but they are now severely limited in their options of physically expressing said crazy, mutilation-surviving love. Kissing is just not enough. Holding hands, tender caresses; warm, cocoon-like embraces-nice, but still: not enough. But now consider this. The husband and wife call each other up on the phone. Your standard AT&T plan, Verizon plan, Sprint, Nextel, T-Mobile, etc. They call each other up on the phone, in separate rooms of the house, and describe, in graphic detail, making passionate, primal, uninhibited love. They recount insertions, penetrations, frictions, lubrications. They elucidate positions, angles, engorgements, thrusts. They narrate the movement of their hands, fluttering hungrily over one another’s naked skin; of their tongues, licking and flicking each other’s nipples, navels, thighs; of their legs, kicking and dancing and bracing with each rhythmic pelvic beat, their ecstasy crescendoing to forte to fortissimo to fortississimo to fortissississimo (Italian for f-ing loud, Father), and then-just as their detailed and breathless play-by-play reaches its febrile, high-decibel, orgasmic peak-they dictate conception. The husband’s sperm, released at last, swimming millions-strong in an ovarian sea. The wife’s eggs, lying in wait, each one urging: Pick me, pick me, pick me. Over the phone the husband and wife depict fertilization, the formation of a zygote, mitosis; they describe the division of cells, the formation of a soul, the creation of human life; they are moved to tears, their skin shines with a bright, post-coital glow, they verbalize the most profound expression possible of their undying, devout, heterosexual love. But, again, no life has actually been created. Their hot-and-heavy depictions of engorgements, thrusts, strokes, eruptions, etc. have all been, essentially, for naught. So, Father, I now ask you-in this particular instance, with the model Catholic couple, with the husband debilitated by his horrifying and humiliating and manhood-compromising accident and his wife struggling desperately to reassure her husband that she still wants him and still needs him and still loves him just as much as she ever did before the factory machinery took from him what can never be returned-phone sex: is it a sin?

OK. That does seem to be the consensus, among all you boys in black.

So, anyway, Maxine and I tried phone sex, but it didn’t really work as I had hoped. For one thing, it was always way more ridiculous than erotic, as Maxine tended to adopt foreign accents, use the names of Republican U.S. senators as genital euphemisms, tell me how badly she wanted me in the voice of Jimmy Stewart, Katherine Hepburn, Groucho Marx. Now don’t get me wrong-I loved Maxine’s sense of humor. I loved to hear her laugh, loved to see her face light up like a 5-year-old’s at Christmas, loved to see her white teeth shining like polished chrome inside her expansive, ear-to-ear smile. But sometimes a guy just wants his long-distance girlfriend to talk dirty to him without referring to his genitalia as “Senator Dick Lugar (R-IN).” Sometimes a guy wants his girlfriend to send him erotic instant messages without asking, “What’s the emoticon for ‘Oh, God, unh huh’ or ‘Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah’ or ‘Ooh, baby, faster, harder’?” So, instead, I had to resort to solitary fantasy. Lying in bed, late at night, alone, imagining Maxine and me intertwined in the backseat of her daddy’s Shark. Every night, before falling asleep, after an endless day of “How may I help you?” and “Are you ready to order?” and “Would you like the fresh strawberries or the warm fruit compote with whipped topping?” I would curl up beneath my sheets, close my eyes, and conjure: the radio still on, tuned to everybody’s soft rock favorites. The smell and taste of spearmint. The goose bumps of denuded skin. The pliability of upholstered leather. I still remembered-still remember-our first time like it was yesterday. Both of us nervous. Both of us fumbling, trembling, self-conscious, artless, woefully unproficient in the necessary physical maneuvers. And yet, even still: our first time is perfect. Maxine’s body, circus-contorted in the cramped Oldsmobile interior. Her voice, strained and staccato, emitting pleasured moans, purrs, gasps. The windows fog up and the radio plays “Stuck in the Middle With You” and the upholstered leather rhythmically squeaks at a faster and faster BPM-house to trance to hardcore to grindcore to gabber (electronic music genres, Father-envision glow sticks and/or DJs with headphones on one ear and/or recreational drug use)-and then, all too soon-it’s over. And yet not over. Maxine, still draped on top of me, smelling sweetly of spearmint. The radio, still on, cash register sound effects indicating: a commercial break. This is mostly what I think of, in bed, alone, at night; this is where my mind mostly lingers. The calm after the storm. The stillness. The silence. The catching of breath. The perfect circles, traced faintly on each other’s skin. The audible heartbeats. The soft rock favorites. Maxine’s hair-previously perfectly coiffed-wild, untamed, distressed. Her diaphragm expanding and contracting. Her dark chocolate skin covered in a film of sweat. The surprise, my mouth still open and eyes still wide with amazement, that Maxine had said, Yes, had followed me into her daddy’s Oldsmobile’s backseat, had allowed me to lay her down on upholstered leather and press her chocolate skin against doors and windows and seat buckles and do things to her I had previously only seen being done on the channels that came in snowy and illicitly on my family’s living room TV. The cool-down. The quiet. Steely Dan. Hall & Oates. Harry Chapin. Boz Scaggs. The afterglow. The aftermath. “After the Gold Rush.”

The Era of Good Feelings, in retrospect, didn’t have a clear expiration date. No Black Thursday, no Pearl Harbor, no sinking of the Lusitania or the Titanic or the Maine. Rather: a lull in postal correspondence. A neglected email inbox. An abandonment of instant chats. A slow escalation of phone calls going straight to voicemail. If you held a gun to my head and asked me to give the Good Feelings an approximate time of death, I’d probably have to say mid-October. When Maxine was preparing for midterm exams, secluding herself monastically in the library, shutting out all external stimuli and communications and contact to focus on modest proposals, paradises lost, iambic pentameter. At least this is what I told myself at the time. I told myself I had to be understanding, supportive, patient. I had to appreciate that Maxine had won a scholarship to such a prestigious private institution and concede that her studies needed to be her primary concern. I told myself that Christmas break would be here before I knew it, and the Douglas firs would soon be sold out of the Surgeon General’s parking lot, and Maxine would soon be back in California, back in the Shark, back in my arms, and I wouldn’t have to conjure her body in my bedroom anymore. I wouldn’t have to play my voicemail to hear her voice. I wouldn’t have to do anything, except clock out, depressurize my spacesuit, and step into the Neil Armstrong’s parking lot, and there-where now the indigents sleep on traffic islands and aimlessly circle with shopping carts and sing “There Is a Balm in Gilead” and voraciously devour their kills-there my Maxine would be.

Christmastime came, and with it, Neil Armstrong’s own special brand of yuletide cheer. The soda fountain and cardboard Buzz Aldrin decked with boughs of holly. Framed photos of Neil Armstrong in faux fur and red polyester herding reindeer on a suburban Wichita roof. Table salt and shredded coconut dumped on a lucky customer every time “White Christmas” played on the jukebox. Nativity scenes featuring the Apollo 11 crew in place of the Three Wise Men, bearing gifts of pancakes, hash browns, and maple syrup to the infant Christ. While our town’s Christian faithful counted down the days until their Savior’s birth by sequentially opening the cardboard doors of their Advent calendars, I awaited the glory of the coming of Maxine by notching permanent marker X’s on my photocopy of the Neil Armstrong’s shift schedule, each crossed out rectangle bringing me one calendrical inch closer to the sweet square of Maxine’s return. Those last X-ed out days, Father, were pure murder. I dropped untold trays of buttermilk pancakes, spilled untold gallons of bottomless coffee. I bungled orders and served pigs in a blanket to cardboard Neil Armstrong and routinely collided with patrons, fellow servers, our hostess Patsy, and walls. But how was I supposed to focus on drink orders, salad dressing preferences, tray equilibrium, and basic physical orientation, Father, with Maxine only days away from pulling into the parking lot in the Shark? Days away from blaring soft rock favorites as I stepped out of the restaurant interior, from playing the ostinato rhythm of Ravel’s Boléro on her car horn, from rolling her window down and flashing me her gorgeous, effulgent, spearmint-smacking smile? It is true, she had barely been communicating with me for the last two months. She had been returning only a small fraction of my phone calls, had verified her date of arrival only after my seventh or eighth interrogative email, had been completely unavailable for any online sessions of sweet, emoticon-punctuated IM-ed love (what’s the emoticon for “physically and mentally incapacitated by extreme sexual frustration”?). But that didn’t necessarily mean that she wouldn’t be excited to see me. That she wouldn’t scream as soon as I stepped into the parking lot, wouldn’t rejoicingly activate the windshield wipers and emergency flashing lights, wouldn’t blare Boléro on the car horn until I was finally snugly Christmas-wrapped in her awaiting arms.

She didn’t blare Boléro on the car horn until I was finally snugly Christmas-wrapped in her awaiting arms. Actually, she didn’t show up at all. I stepped outside, after by far the most syrup-stained and collision-filled and order-butchering shift yet, and, instead of seeing my lovely Maxine, I saw: parked Hyundais. Douglas firs decorated with tinsel and NASA ephemera. The Three Wise Men bearing breakfast to the baby Jesus in our traffic island Bethlehem. Was I disappointed? Sure. Crushed? Of course. Overcome by a strong urge to wrestle the Nativity shepherds and angels and Wise Men to the ground and bash in their plastic skulls with Buzz Aldrin’s heavy Christmas-commemorating jug of maple syrup? I would posit: Yes. But I did not wrestle shepherds or angels or the crew of Apollo 11 to the ground. I did not bash in plastic skulls with delicious Vermont harvested maple syrup. Instead, I figured: Maybe Maxine’s flight got delayed. Maybe the Shark had been having engine trouble, or Maxine’s daddy needed it for errands, or-in my feverish, punch-drunk, syrup-spilling excitement over her imminent return-I had never even told her to pick me up. Remember, Father, our communication had been very, very spotty those last two months, after the Era of Good Feelings had been superseded by the Era of Walking With Great Force Into Walls. Also, there had been all that walking with great force into walls. Who knows what I had forgotten to mention in my flurries of unanswered emails, my one-way, stream-of-consciousness postal correspondence, my rambling, unreturned voicemail messages? Who knows the neurological effects of all those resounding impacts and blackouts and concussions, my spheroidal dome helmet apparently offering little in the way of wall vs. cranium protection?

After waiting for Maxine for an hour, all the while conscientiously resisting the urge to place an inquistory phone call to her parents’ house (using Neil Armstrong’s phone for personal use: a big, bold-faced no-no in the employee handbook), I decided to walk to Maxine’s natal home in my spacesuit-spheroidal dome helmet and all-because it was very cold out, and my “civilian” clothes weren’t adequate for the two and a half mile trip. A more astute man would have waited for the bus, but I wasn’t feeling particularly astute, and I wasn’t feeling like spending another thirty minutes waiting at the nearest bus stop surrounded by local Christmas carolers singing festive holiday favorites as my mind and body burned for Maxine. On the way to Maxine’s I passed the Kentucky Fried Chicken, not yet abandoned, not yet occupied by spurned Russian mail-order brides dreaming of childhood summers in Kaliningrad while huddled together for warmth around the KFC’s out-of-service deep fryer. I passed the novelty hat factory, not yet shut down, still churning out inflatable pith helmets, exploding pillboxes, fortunetelling toques. I passed blinking Christmas lights strung on Douglas firs, rooflines, picket fences, Doric and Corinthian columns; colorfully irradiating holiday cheer and merrily sapping the power grid. I heard jingle bells. I heard a cappella renditions of “Silent Night” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” I saw a fat man in a Santa outfit whiz by in a Volkswagen Jetta. I saw the Shark in Maxine’s driveway, the light on in her childhood bedroom, the red-ribboned Christmas wreath hung welcomingly on her front door; as I approached her house, scaled her front steps, and removed my helmet, observing my reflection in the tinted visor, making last-second adjustments to my hair. Somewhere, on another street, carolers were singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” A neighbor greeted another neighbor with, “Ho ho ho.” I held my helmet in my hands, in front of my rapidly beating heart, and exhaled a visible plume of condensation into the chilly air. My breath dissipated. I reexamined my hair. I made a mental note to visit a barber. I knocked.

When the door finally swung open I was greeted not by Maxine, but by her daddy. Her daddy had a bottle of Miller Lite in his hand and wore a crewneck sweatshirt that indicated its size in big block letters on the front. “XXL,” it said, a wonderful feature for anyone too lazy to simply check the tag. Maxine’s daddy had been a helicopter door gunner in Vietnam and was now an elementary school gym teacher at the school where I (but not Maxine) had attended, a school that in those days was called Custer but is now called Sitting Bull. In fourth grade he had discontinued dodgeball, claiming it had caused too many injuries, but those of us then in Ms. Burstyn’s class knew it was really because he had suffered a vivid ‘Nam flashback after an errant dodgeball had narrowly missed his head, causing him to spend the rest of our game curled up in a fetal position against the wall and muttering garbled nonsense about somebody named Charlie.

Maxine’s daddy had never been my number one biggest fan. I had earned a three-year string of Needs Improvements in third to fifth grade Phys Ed, and he clearly still held all those times I forgot to bring my athletic shorts or failed to climb the gym rope against me, as if he believed that a boy who couldn’t hit a three-point shot or execute an overhand volleyball serve by the age of ten would never become a man. Once Maxine and I started officially going out, my junior year, her daddy made it abundantly clear that he thought she could do better. He would, for instance, scan the local paper’s high school football coverage every Sunday and try to persuade Maxine to date whichever quarterback had the most favorable touchdown-to-interception ratio or whichever offensive lineman had the most formidable nom de guerre (”Say, Maxine, what do you think of this 350-pound senior the papers refer to as ‘The Immovable Beast?’”). Maxine’s daddy could bench-press 300 pounds, squat 475, and dead-lift 550. He could shoot the thin edge of a playing card from ninety feet away, and was trained in the rudiments of jujitsu, kung fu, and tae kwon do. He had, during the war, been given the nickname “Blood” by the men in his unit, and he once told me, during a family dinner at Outback Steakhouse, that he knew twenty-seven different ways to kill a man with his bare hands. In short: Maxine’s daddy was not the kind of guy you wanted unexpectedly happening upon you and his daughter, mid-coitus, in the backseat of his beloved Oldsmobile.

“Mitchell,” said Maxine’s daddy. “What a pleasant surprise.”

It had been nearly four months since I’d last set foot in Maxine’s house. That last time, in August, Maxine’s parents had been out on errands and I’d tried to get Maxine to sleep with me one final time before she went out East, but she said no, that’s not on the itinerary, and then she showed me the itinerary, and it said Pack and so we packed. In a perfect world, Father, my last precious moments with Maxine, in the flesh, before she set off for her first semester at Ivy-Covered U, would have been far more cinematic: rolling around passionately on a white sand beach, for example; lying together on the roof of my old elementary school, Custer/Sitting Bull, watching air traffic and shooting stars; taking one last dance to “In a Sentimental Mood” as sung by Ella Fitzgerald, crooning sultrily on the Neil Armstrong’s jukebox as our hostess, Patsy, turned the lights down low. But I think we’ve already established that we don’t live in a perfect world. Toothless indigents, postmarked brides, Hyundai rental suicides, etc. So, instead, I helped Maxine pack. Instead, the only undergarments I touched were unworn and detergent-scented and folded neatly. Instead, I accompanied Maxine to the airport and held her hand tenderly to the security line and watched her recede from me tragically up the airport escalator, en route to her bright, financially-aided future in the distant East, as I remained firmly entrenched in the declining West, side by side with her proud parents, who made no secret of resenting and detesting me.

Instead, I adhered closely to the itinerary.

“Max-ine!” screeched Maxine’s mama, also not my number one biggest fan, from somewhere inside the house.

“Nice spacesuit,” said Maxine’s daddy, finishing off the last of the Miller Lite.

“All is calm, all is bright,” sang the carolers, with voices angelic and pure.

It started to snow.

Santa whizzed by in a Geo Prizm.

Somewhere, for some reason, there were sleigh bells.

Maxine appeared, and her stricken face told all.

I have a confession to make, Father. I know this isn’t the sort of booth you usually do this kind of thing in, with the ketchup bottles and the saltshakers and the NutraSweet packets and such, but I always clam up in churches, so I guess this will have to do. Is that OK?

Wonderful. You’re a saint, Father. A real pal. God bless you. My confession is this.

There is a fleeting moment, a half second or less, when I step into the parking lot at the end of my shift and expect to see Maxine, waiting for me. I expect her honking horn, her wedding white smile. I expect the Shark: repainted, restored, with wheels. Also, I expect to find the novelty hat-wearing indigents in the parking lot gone, no longer panhandling, no longer scrounging for animal carcasses and change, for they’re at the factory, newly reopened, returning them to the workforce, to their homes, to the consumer economy. Across the street, the mail-order brides visit the post office arm in arm with their husbands, smiles on their faces, feet unbound by packing tape, and the family of four that once lived in our ventilation system walks proudly to the bank, to apply for a mortgage on their new home. At the tar pits, Hyundai after Hyundai emerges from the bubbling pitch, and the factory workers and their grieving spouses once thought long dead return their cars to the rental agency, pay a small fee for cleanup, and stroll down the street to their loved ones, whistling the melodies of soft rock favorites of the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s. And when the next day comes, when I’m back to work, in my pressurized spacesuit, Bill waltzes in-Hiya Patsy, what’s new?-and sits down in his favorite booth with the cardboard crew of Apollo 11 and orders the Mission Control Special; and my mother and father waltz in, literally, my father effortlessly dancing with my mother across the Neil Armstrong’s carpeting as the jukebox plays “The Blue Danube,” my parents’ eyes full of life and of love; and the man in the adjacent booth, waiting alone, about to order for his absent wife, says, “Well look at that, just in time,” and his wife sits down across from him, leans over the table for a kiss, and says, “I’ll have the Neil Armstrong Signature Sampler, with the vegetable soup, and the baked potato”; and when their food comes they savor it relishingly together, and when the jukebox plays Astor Piazzolla my parents break out into a lustful tango, and when the first ray of sunlight kisses the rejuvenated land the local birds sing arresting melodies, and life is evermore blissful and sweet.

But here’s the thing.

A man needs hope, Father, if he’s going to make it in this life, that’s for darn sure, but he also needs to stay realistic. He needs to know when to say when, when to let go, when to concede defeat, when to finally move on. Because if he doesn’t-if he’s the sort of man, who, for example, never gives up, never surrenders, never loses hope, never gives in to repeated reproofs: It’s over, please stop, how can I make myself any more clear?-well, he can be driven to do some rather regrettable things. What kinds of things? Say, like, for instance-voicemail harassment. Guilt-tripping. E-stalking. Tear duct-activating. Spotting his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend through Neil Armstrong’s floor-to-ceiling windows during summer break and running out into the parking lot in a spacesuit and moon boots to challenge him to a fight. That last one particularly regrettable since the boyfriend was a promising amateur boxer and easily settled the matter with one blow. But that is neither here nor there. What I want to say is: I feel absolutely terrible about making Maxine cry. I feel awful about automatically pegging her new man as being a bad egg, when it turns out he’s a loving brother of two Down syndrome sufferers, and a two-time Local Young Humanitarian of the Year. A young humanitarian, as it turns out, with a formidable right hook. Again-neither here nor there. What I want to say is: I’m so sorry, Father. For the pain I’ve caused. For the trouble I’ve wrought. For the suffering I’ve induced. If Maxine were still speaking to me, I’d say to her: You have my blessing. I’d say to her: Good job. Good work. Good for you! I’d say to her: When you think of me, if you think of me, think of me not as I am now-embittered, syrup-stained, alone-but as the boy you asked, one bright, balmy spring day, to pose for a portrait for your freshman art class; the boy who obliged, dutifully, and remained motionless on the school’s front lawn long after the bell indicating the start of classes had rung; the boy who noticed-after you had sketched him, considered him; after you had studied, observed, eyeballed him-that your hands shook, that your milk chocolate eyes narrowed, that your Professor Albert’s gum fell out of your mouth and onto your right ankle’s bare, beautiful, dark chocolate skin as you anxiously flipped the sketchpad over and awaited his verdict, to see what he thought, if he approved-if he liked how you saw him. I’d say to her: I did. I’d say to her: Be happy. I’d say to her: Be fruitful, and multiply. It has been three years since my last confession. Lord Jesus, please forgive me of my sins.

I’ll have your drink coming right up.

* * *

Hello, thank you for calling Neil Armstrong’s Giant Leap for Mankind Pancake House.

How may I help you?

Chicago’s Sonnenzimmer is a collaboration between Nick Butcher and Nadine Nakanishi. Part print shop, part art studio, part design firm, Sonnenzimmer approaches every job with a steady hand and a unique eye. Their unusual style–a mix between handmade color play and the less-is-more aesthetic of Swiss modernism–has built a small but dedicated following for the studio. In this Shoestring portrait, Nick and Nadine talk about the the power of collaboration, the struggle to break even, and the importance of independence.

Previously on Is Greater Than: International Chicago Design Overthrow: Sonnenzimmer

Video courtesy of Hanging by a Shoestring

Beyond the coordinated organizing of local religious leaders and their communities, Arise’s pro-labor efforts include an arm dedicated to providing legal support and training to low-wage workers, particularly immigrant workers. This initiative is one among well over 200 functional “Worker Centers” that serve under-represented laborers in the United States. Arise Chicago’s director, Adam Kader, explains, “we’re a community resource … a place for workers to get educated about rights to learn about strategies for improving their workplace.”

The Arise Worker Center, like other organizations of its kind, began as a multi-faith religious advocacy group in 1991. The original members – among them Monsignor Jack Egan, Rabbi Robert Marx, and United Methodist Bishop Jesse De Witt – organized their varied religious communities to support labor initiatives on the north side of Chicago. When they published a comprehensive Workers Rights Manual in 2001, the group received a wide response as individual workers began calling with questions about their rights in the workplace. In 2002 the group added a Worker Center initiative specifically to respond to worker concerns about their workplace rights. Kader describes the early years of the Worker Center as a “rapid response” model, where workers’ calls were responded to as they came in – something the organization has tried to structure differently in recent years. Today, the Arise Worker Center is a member organization that somewhat resembles an actual union. Constituents are encouraged to “commit to other members” by contributing monthly dues (in any amount), attending and teaching workshops, and leading advocacy campaigns. With 215 members – primarily immigrants from Latin America and Eastern Europe, working in several industries – Arise’s Worker Center members have been able to take advantage of the broader network of Worker Centers to share stories and strategies.

In a 2006 Economic Policy Institute study of Worker Centers, Janice Fine described these organizations as “suggestive of earlier U.S. civic institutions” such as “fraternal organizations, political parties, settlement houses, and urban churches…” These early groups were places where immigrants found support and modern unions saw their beginnings. However, the organized unions that formed as a result – which provided job stability and secure wages to families in the 50s and 60s (when 1 in 3 workers was a member of a union) – have seen a steady decline over the past 50 years. The globalization of labor forces in manufacturing, and the nationwide expansion of unprotected job sectors (service industries such as food and janitorial services), has led to a modern economy in which few professions are protected against labor market competition.

[Show as slideshow]

But this imbalance of power between big business and organized labor appears to have reached its breaking point. Arise Chicago and other worker solidarity organizations stand today at the edge of what could be another historical turning point – a resurgence of organized labor. In light of the highly publicized occupation at Republic Windows and Doors, and upon the inauguration of a pro-labor president, Kader believes that labor organization has become more important now than it has been in generations. “Deregulation and privatization have really eroded worker protections and led to de-unionization” – a breach of what he refers to as the social contract. “The combination of those things have resulted in poorer and fewer jobs in the US … that’s why our standard of living is not as good as it should be.”

For the hopeful among us, it is difficult not to draw parallels to earlier labor movements and to envision a bright future for low-wage laborers in the U.S. With a new pro-labor president in office, who was an original co-sponsor of the Employee Free Choice Act, there are numerous reasons to believe things can only get better. The act would make it easier for workers to unionize based on a “card check” or secret ballot election, coordinated by union leaders; if more than half the workers vote in favor, the workplace would unionize. This is a significant change from the standard practice over the last 50-plus years of employer oversight in union elections, and heavy intimidation against unionization. The Employee Free Choice Act would be the first major pro-union legislation since the National Labor Relations Act (NLRA) of 1935, which protected the right to unionize. (The NLRA has since been amended to outlaw “unfair labor practices” on the part of organizers, placing great limits on their jurisdiction.)

Unfortunately, the drive behind the Employee Free Choice Act, one of Senator Obama’s campaign platforms, is appearing more and more difficult to push through Congress. Business leaders, already faced with declining numbers in the poor economy, are fighting tooth and nail to keep the legislation from adding another difficult element to their restructuring processes. The business community’s attempts to counter the purpose of the bill argue that the elections would not be secret, that union leaders would coerce employee votes, and that the process denies a democratic right to free elections, despite the name of the bill. In a 2007 policy paper, the Heritage Foundation even argued that “few employees want to organize.”

Current economic troubles are not only a business-side argument against labor organizing, but are also a practical consideration for smaller pro-labor groups like Arise, whose operating budget has been shrinking by the day. Even as the need for these community efforts is growing, their sources of funding (churches, foundations, and so on) have been spread thin. When I met with Kader in a north side Chicago coffee shop in early March, he was just finishing a meeting with another staffer at Arise. He told me they no longer had money to pay her, and although she had done great work, they were going to have to cut her hours. Kader went on to tell me that as the economy turned south last summer, Arise’s Worker Center network members grew hesitant to push the envelope. Over the last few months, however, after Republic’s workers settled for $1.75 million, their constituents were impressed. In the weeks following the Republic settlement and Obama’s inauguration, Arise received more phone calls from disparaged workers than they’d seen in months. “Republic showed to vulnerable workers, low-wage workers, and immigrant workers, that you have to stand up,” Kader explained. “Workers are now saying ‘the economy’s so bad, I can’t afford not to fight’ … When people are desperate they’re willing to do more and to fight more.”

In response to the particular issues at Republic Windows and Doors, service workers around the country are gearing up to fight a large-scale problem dubbed “wage theft” – the pervasive practice of denying workers overtime and severance pay and benefits, to which they are entitled by law. The climate is hopeful and workers are inspired by their forefathers in the labor movement of the 1930s. Kari Lyderson, author of a forthcoming book about Republic Windows, writes, “in a shifting economic and political context, collective action can bring real results.” It seems the time has come for major change, as community organizations set the tone for the voice of labor in our generation.

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To get involved with Worker Center initiatives like Arise, start with http://www.iwj.org

To learn more about Wage Theft, see http://www.wagetheft.org

Magazines are flailing due to high production and distribution costs, two pitfalls that zines, by nature, avoid. But this isn’t to say that zines have remained unchanged since their heyday. After an explosion in the early to mid 90s, zines were arguably usurped by Livejournal as the independent (and navel-gazing) media du jour. It is no longer simply a case of strolling into a local record or book store to peruse the zine rack. Aside from at your local (and sometimes rare) zine festival, finding zine networks or distributors can prove a bit tricky. For all their scarcity, zines are becoming hard to avoid in the mainstream media: books are being publishing, art galleries are hosting exhibitions and even newspapers are waxing nostalgic about zines. Is this a real resurgence or just a case of the media jumping on a bandwagon? According to Melissa, co-founder of Cherry Bomb, it is mostly the latter:
"the main change that I’ve noticed is the mainstream is starting to get interested, e.g there have been more books published talking about zines and zine culture , and also various public & academic libraries in NZ have started creating zine collections."

Cherry Bomb existed as a dedicated comic and zine shop in Auckland, New Zealand from July 2004-November 2007. Moving online has proved a much different venture according to Melissa:
"It was sad in lots of ways to transition from our physical space to our online store. I felt like we had really built up a little community, we were a hub for people to come and meet at, a place where they could hold political meetings, parties, gigs, film screenings etc."

"Our store acted as a very visible, political and creative statement in Auckland city, and there was something really nice about people being about to physically browse the stuff we had, and talk to us about it. Online however does have it’s advantages – it’s cheap (no rent to pay!) and makes it very easy for people all over the world to find out what you’re about….. The best thing of course would be to have an awesome website AND a shop space, but maybe that’ll come about in the future."

This new-found attention paid by the mainstream media to zines haven’t exactly revolutionised those networks that still fly under the radar. Two recent examples of mainstream coverage do nothing to challenge this. Simon Reynolds claimed in a recent Guardian article that: “(a)lthough it’s hard to quantify, it feels like the fanzine is making a resurgence in the face of digital culture, just like that other analogue format, vinyl”. Despite this, the article focuses primarily on one-off art projects rather than self-made magazines. Harmony Korine (best known as the screenwriter of Kids) has released a book (called imaginatively The Collected Zines) of zines he created between 1992 and 1999, partly to stem the trading of the original publications at ridiculous prices on eBay. Neither of these events seem to indicate a major resurgence beyond the art gallery world.

Zine distribution networks are still out there, making the most of both email and postal connections. Marching Stars is a zine distro that stocks between 60-70 zines but, aside from a shift towards Paypal (rather than sneakily hidden money in the post), founder Lizzy hasn’t noticed any major changes over the last few years:

“There were a few UK distros that sold international perzine type zines which I LOVED and 2 closed and one went on indefinite hiatus (still hasn’t reopened) and I saw a gap. There’s Manifesta, which sells perzines with a feminist type slant, but most of them are from the UK and I have so many favourite zinesters who are international. I felt that someone should be making their zines more easily available in the UK, no-one was, I figured it was something I could do, so I started marchingstars.”

One difference Marching Stars has noticed is that there are fewer zine review listings amongst the back pages, a theory backed up by the recent decision by Xerography Debt to stop printing zine reviews. This decision was made because a blog provided a more timely way of providing zine reviews and the now co-exists alongside the printed version of the zine.

“The blog is fast and reaches a number of people, but certainly not everyone and it can be exclusionary”. (Davida from XD).

XD have also formed a partnership with distributor ‘Microcosm’ to try and offset some of the demands on the zine and allow it to stay in print:

“They will have no editorial control, but will help co-ordinate support and try and flow some new zines our way. Their mission and that of XD are actually very similar, so it is a perfect partnership. In this case, the zine and the distro are trying to actively support one another.”

On a larger and international scale, the Queer Zine Archive Project ensures obscure zine titles remains available across the world. While the QZAP’s main objective is to ensure zines are archived and future-proofed, new zines can also be distributed via the archive website.

Projects, like the US-based Trading Network seek to do for self-publishing what BookMooch and others have done for literary types. Inspired by postcardx.net project and similar in function to the now-inactive Zine Recycling Centre, The Trading Network encourages people to send random mail to others with similar creations on offer. This includes but is not limited to zines.

So, while this might not be the revival predicted in some quarters, there are plenty of reassuring signs of healthy and creative underground publishing networks.

Directories such as Zine World and Broken Pencil publish online guides as well as regular printed issues. Factsheet 5, a pivotal zine resource, also seems to be back in action. And sometimes, if you are lucky, there are Zine Fairs.

This feature originally appeared on Dandizette, A Pulp Magazine for Media Perverts

The self-proclaimed “psychedelic erotic gospel music” was one of 141 performers that gathered March 6-8 for the inaugural Harvest of Hope Festival to benefit migrant farmworkers. The eclectic line-up included the likes of Girl Talk, Against Me!, Murs, KRS-One, Bad Brains, The National, This Bike is Pipe Bomb, the Bouncing Souls, Propaghandi, and Kool Keith just to name a few.

The weekend had all the components to make for an excellent festival. The line-up was insane and the weather was perfect for the weekend – in the 70s and sunny.

Todd Kowalski, bassist of Propaghandi, a veteran of the punk world said, “It’s the middle of winter in Winnipeg so here we are in Florida! Just like all the seniors from Winnipeg, which we’ll be in about two years.”

But the weather and the line-up weren’t the main reason for the festivities; the whole shebang was to benefit the Harvest of Hope Foundation.

Founded by Phil Kellerman, the Harvest of Hope Foundation gives direct financial aid to migrant workers and their families. There’s no bureaucratic red tape. There are no long processing applications and fees. Money raised by the foundation goes directly to those in need and it can be monitored by the expenditure sheet on their Web site.

Phil became an advocate of migrant farmworkers in 1989 when the former school teacher saw an ad for a job for a bilingual grants writer for Eastern Stream on Resources and Training (ESCORT) as the University of New York in Oneonta, NY.

“I just kind of fell in love with the field and the people I worked with were so progressive; so forward thinking,” said Phil. “In 1995 we set up the first national migrant toll-free hotline and we worked with AT&T for how the calls were routed depending on where the migrants were calling from.”

However, due to constraints from the grant received from the Department of Education in Washington, D.C., the money they had could not be used for direct financial aid to the people calling the hotline.

“Basically we soon became a referral agency like any other agency and I discovered there wasn’t much help out there — especially for immediate financial need that migrants have,” said Phil.

Inspired greatly by his grandmother, Dr. Helen Zand, the first female law student at Cornell in the 1920s and lifetime social activist, Phil decided in honor of her memory, to use some of his inheritance money from her to start the Harvest of Hope Foundation and in 1997 the foundation was officially born.

“[We now] have a vehicle to help the callers that were calling the hotline,” said Phil.

In 12 years, they’ve given out over $714,000 in emergency and educational aid to migrant farmers and their families all over the country.

Phil explained, “I get calls from migrant advocates and migrant social workers and migrants themselves and if I have the funds I try to help them out.”

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A third of all expenses go towards transportation issues. Being a migrant farmworker family often requires a massive amount of driving from state to state depending on which crop is harvesting in any given month. Harvest of Hope helps out with gas money, new tires for safe traveling and basic car repairs. Another third goes to housing related issues. For instance if the fields aren’t ready yet and a family needs help with rent. Or if they are falling behind on their utility bills aid is provided.

“If there are kids involved and the families are trying to do the best they can, I don’t want to see the gas or electricity cut off so we’ll provide aid for that,” said Phil.

With only a third remaining about 10% goes to medical expenses, another 10% for food and clothing and another 10% for scholarships and the rest for things like funeral expenses. Harvest of Hope doesn’t have any organizational rent and utility costs because the small operation is ran out of Phil’s home.

An example of where the money goes:

“A couple days ago I got a call from the National Center for Farmworker Health. They called me to say that they had a 34-year old migrant farmworker from Georgia whose parents had died when he was 15 and he had traveled to several different states working as a migrant farmworker and apparently he hit himself with a hammer inadvertently last year and developed testicular cancer,” explained Phil. “The doctor contacted NCFH and said this guy needs immediate surgery. So this is how we work the system. The doctor said, ‘I’ll give you my minimum cost with is $3500.’ So we got him to agree that if we could come up with half he would do the surgery and then bill the patient after that. NCFH said they could chip in $850, and asked, ‘What can you chip in?’ I said we can chip in $900. So together we chipped in the $1750 so he could have the surgery and afterwards, if we raise enough money from this festival, we’ll pay off the bill. That’s what we do.”

In terms of the actual festival, the name that came up time and time again through talking to various people throughout the weekend was Ryan Murphy.

Murphy has two worlds he’s heavily involved with – one, through his masters in bilingual education at the University of Florida, he does literacy outreach with migrant families; two, he is one of those crazy punks at No Idea! Records.

“I met Phil Kellerman and was blown away by how amazing all the work he’s doing is and how amazing the foundation is. So I was thinking what can I do to help more than literacy outreach and what can I do to help the foundation? And I realized well one half of my world is crazy punk rock No Idea! world and the other half is this; so what if I put the two together?” said Murphy. “I started doing benefits for them and Against Me! played a bunch of those and they’ve raised over $18,000 so far.”

What originally started out with having Against Me! play a sixth benefit show in St. Augustine quickly turned into a full-weekend festival. With Ryan representing the No Idea! Camp, Tony Weinbender from Southern Lovin’ PR and Ryan Dettra from the St. John County Fairgrounds the three pitched to Phil, “Why not make it a whole weekend thing?”

The county supported the idea and gave the non-profit a $50,000 grant to make it happen.

“So once that started rolling I said, alright, I’m going to call all the bands that I’m friends with and say, ‘Please you have to play this thing,’” explained Murphy. “Once bands started jumping on, especially when Propaghandi signed up, everyone was blown away and we just got the craziest acts to come together.”

Over 500 bands applied to take part in this inaugural fest.

Ed Kellerman, a senior lecturer at University of Florida and Communications Director of Harvest of Hope Foundation (and also Phil’s brother), described the selection process of narrowing that list to the final size of 141 performers.

“Number one, they have to be good and Ryan Murphy is the ultimate decider on that. Number two, you have to be available the date of the festival. And number three, you have to be into the cause,” explained Ed.

Andrew Seward, bassist of Against Me! said, “This is very intense. This inaugural fest is fucking great so far. It’s a little overwhelming. And our friends are running it, so you know it’s good because I’ve seen Ryan Murphy and how stressed he is, so you know it means something is going right.”

Richard Minino, aka Horsebites, designed the logo for the festival. He too was tagged by Murphy to get on board. He previously has done work for the past two Fest’s in Gainesville and two of his bands were also on the roster – None More Black and Gatorface.

“I wanted to make it clean and simple because it wasn’t all punk bands, there are indie bands and rap bands too, so I decided to make it a little more professional looking and put some grains in there to get that whole vibe going. It’s pretty simple but bold,” explained Minino.

It was simple yet bold enough for two concert goers’ to get it tattooed on their bodies at the on-site tattoo tent by a local shop based in St. Augustine Beach.

Brian Fallon, guitarist and frontman of the Gaslight Anthem, was also feeling the good vibes of the weekend.

“It’s awesome. We’re on tour so much that we never get to see anybody, and you get to meet people from all over different walks of life and I think that’s the coolest thing. You’re all here for the same reason, no matter what you think in your own life on any particular subject, the fact that you’re all here for one reason kind of puts a friendly vibe to everything,” said Fallon.

The Gaslight Anthem is pretty selective with who they do benefits for. Other than Shirts for a Cure benefitting the Syrentha Savio Endowment (SSE), Harvest of Hope is its other main beneficiary and they’ve been involved with them for two years now.

“My father worked in a factory and it’s a little different, but it’s still working with your hands and doing what you can to get by,” Fallon explained, “This is a worthy cause and there are a lot of causes out there that are just blind and you don’t ever see where it goes, you don’t see the people that it affects and you don’t know anyone involved. It’s just a corporation asking for you to donate this much and you’re like okay fine, but you don’t ever really know anything.”

In addition to doing shows as the Gaslight Anthem, Benny Horowitz, the drummer, throws shows in New Jersey to benefit the foundation even when he’s not playing.

“For us it’s just like, of course we’ll do it. We would always do it,” said Fallon.

Other bands such as Gainesville’s the Grabass Charlestons also felt compelled to get involved.

Dave Drobach, bassist, said “There are 1000s of people out there that do care and this weekend people are getting together without giant multi-national corporations telling them what they should be doing, people can think for themselves and have their own brains and operate for things as simple as paying people who harvest your food.”

Dina Sevayega, who is a former migrant worker and sits on the board of the Harvest of Hope Foundation with the Kellerman brothers, came down from upstate New York with her son Mario, a musician who was performing, for the weekend’s festivities.

Growing up, by the time Dina was 6-years old; she had already lived in about 32 different places.

“It’s very hard sometimes for families – and I know there are laws about children working – but if you’re trying to feed your family, the whole family works together. Although I was 6-years old I could take care of the baby under the tree while the adults were picking the cherries or the cotton or whatever. It is a family that has to work together in order to survive,” she said.

Throughout her childhood, because of the constant moving, she had a hard time keeping up with her studies.

She explained, “I was Arkansas, I was all over Texas, I was in Michigan. Part of the problem was that if the work wasn’t done or if there wasn’t enough money to cover expenses to return home to the valley of Texas [I couldn't get back] to start school on time. I failed the sixth grade because of this. We got back late and I could never catch up. It’s hard work, it’s moving a lot and never knowing how your children are going to do education wise because you’re busy working to survive.”

One of the biggest challenges for the Harvest of Hope Foundation and for migrant workers everywhere is the plight of misconceptions.

Dina said, “It’s interesting because yesterday we were talking about the disconnect between farmworkers, migrant families and those of us that sit everyday at a table and enjoy all the harvest that these migrant families have worked so hard to provide for our nation.”

Mario added that a huge difficulty, “[is] that migrant workers are often fighting the belief that they are taking these great jobs away from the American labor force. I was just talking to a farmer here in Florida that has a 600-acre potato operation and he was saying that can’t get Americans to work, nevermind anything that you’ve heard — they won’t do the work. In upstate New York, I knew a woman that owned a blueberry orchard they were trying to pay high school kids up to $9-$10/hour and none of them would even take the job because it was too hard for them. They said they physically cannot get most Americans to do these jobs. So when people say that migrant workers are taking these jobs, they’re taking the jobs that nobody wants to do.”

“We wouldn’t eat without their labor,” responded Dina.

“Or a salad would cost like $25,” concluded Mario.

In addition to raising funds, the weekend was also a great chance to raise awareness.

Ed explained, “As you can see, actually, you don’t see them. You probably came in on US-1 or I-95 or 207, you go by the fields but you don’t see [migrant farmworkers] because they’re working the fields in the back and if people would just be more aware and spread the word and counter some of the misconceptions that all migrants are illegal, or involved in crime, or destroying the economy – no, they’re helping the economy, without migrant farmworkers our economy would be even worse than it already is.”

Of course, migrant farmworkers are not just limited to one area of the United States.

Mario added, “Migrant workers are all over. They’re in Maine, New York; anywhere there are farms they are working. Any kind of agricultural going on, they are there working. ”

But after the dust settled on Sunday night, the four stages rang silent and the 6000 plus people make their way back home, there is still work to be done.

“The problem is with a lot of benefits is that the cause and the reason to do a benefit are remaining after the benefit is over. That’s a tough thing for people to remember. People in need don’t go away after a festival shuts down and the campgrounds get cleaned up,” said Fallon of the Gaslight Anthem.

Kowalski and his band (Propaghandi) are no strangers to politically fueled themes and causes. He personally does a lot of work with refugees from Africa in Canada in his hometown of Winnipeg. But to him, the most important thing he thinks you can takeaway from them is to, “Think about things as much as you can and not just accept them. Try to always imagine what it’s like on the other side of things.”

His band mate, David Guillas added, “Whatever interests you, just get involved. But make sure it’s a true interest, like if you like drawing; someone was making benefit posters for women from Afghanistan because they like to draw.”

Phil’s biggest advice to people once they get back home is to “Get out there and try to make a difference in the world for whatever interests you. Open your eyes to who harvests their food and be a little more connected.”

For more information on the Harvest of Hope Foundation please visit: http://www.harvestofhope.net/

One alternative treatment that has been dubbed as quackery by the FDA is a fever therapy used in Germany that raises the body temperature and directs it towards the source of the cancer. These treatments are known as Hyperthermia, thermal therapy, thermotherapy, or fever therapy. On the Center for Hypothermia Hanover website they explain further:

Increasingly in the research of cancer cells, attention is being focused upon the escape mechanisms of these cells. Escape phenomenons occur when cells succeed in hiding themselves, in becoming invisible or when they send out messenger substances, which suppress the human immune system. Against these escape phenomenon’s, traditional medicine using radiation therapy and chemotherapy has proved rather ineffective, because the body’s degenerated cells are also able to defend themselves against radiation therapy and chemotherapy during treatment. Specifically active fever therapy, by inducing the fever phases, changes the surface of cancer cells, activates many messenger substances which stimulate the immune system to detect the cancer cells and to destroy them. There are also a number of highly potent medications, which change the information about messenger substances on the cancer cells to such an extent that they are exposed, detected and destroyed.

Our very own former president Ronald Reagan traveled to Germany to cure his cancer this way in 1985. When asked about whether or not he opted for German cancer treatments there wasn’t exactly screaming from the rooftops since the treatment was not allowed in the US.

Dr. Hans Neiper who was considered to be one of the best cancer doctors in the world treated Reagan along with other famous faces like: Princess Caroline of Monaco, Anthony Quinn, John Wayne, Nancy Sinatra, Red Buttons and Yul Brynner.  After Ronald Reagan’s treatment, he went on to live another 19 years and his death was not related to cancer.

In Andrew Scholberg’s book German Cancer Breakthrough , he writes that this treatment costs a tenth of what typical chemotherapy costs and is free of harmful side effects. In the book he gives a guide to all the treatment centers in Germany. Of course, this revolutionary treatment has been banned in the United States. That didn’t stop celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor, Suzanne Somers, or Cher from seeking out alternative treatments in Germany to cure their cancer. Why would the FDA deny Americans this type of treatment? If it is good enough for Ronny Reagan why isn’t it good enough for us?

The answer may lie in the hands of an organization many see as immune to scrutiny, the American Cancer Society. Doctor Samuel Epstein the former head of a Congressional committee on cancer has been a long time critic of the American Cancer Society. Epstein claims that the ACS’ “longstanding conflicts of interest with a wide range of industries, coupled with a systematic discrediting of evidence of avoidable causes of cancer preclude many powerful life-saving initiatives.”

The American Cancer Societies 22-member board was created in 1990 to gather corporate contributors. Natural news writes that board members include Gordon Binder, who is the CEO of Amgen, a biotechnology company that sells chemotherapy products. Another board member, David R. Bethune, is president of Lederle Laboratories, a multinational pharmaceutical company and a division of American Cyanamid Company.

With these board members representing their own financial interests, chances are that alternative medicines that cut costs and increase cures are going to look pretty unappetizing. Although unable to find an exact number of how much money chemotherapy generates per year, the word billions is well within the realm of possibility.

In a 2005 debate, Dr. Michael Thun of the American Cancer Society did not exactly deny corporate interests: “The American Cancer Society views relationships with corporations as a source of revenue for cancer prevention. That can be construed as an inherent conflict of interest, or it can be construed as a pragmatic way to get funding to support cancer control.”

It is no wonder that barely any funding is spent on the prevention of cancer since all the money to be made lies in the treatment of cancer. The problem is that the go-to treatment, chemotherapy, is toxic on the human body. According to the Stanford Cancer Center, some of the side effects of Chemotherapy drugs for various types of cancers include: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hair loss, decrease in blood cell counts, allergic reaction, rashes, hearing loss, kidney damage, bladder damage, fertility impairment, lung or heart damage, secondary malignancies, mouth ulcers, weakness, loss of appetite, and loss of reflexes. Those are just a few of the symptoms they list but anyone who has known a person who has endured Chemo can tell you that.  Chemotherapy can be effective for a small number of cancers, like leukemia. Yet in relation to most cancer cases, why would we destroy our entire house if we had a few roaches inside it knowing our house may not be able to be rebuilt? Chemotherapy, instead of killing just the cancer cells, kills healthy cells as well and many times kill the cancer patient. Many doctors have tried to tell the public the truth about chemotherapy, the truth being that (except for a few types of cancers) it does more harm to the body than good. One of these doctors is Dr. Ralph Moss who has said: “If cancer specialists were to admit publicly that chemotherapy is of limited usefulness and is often dangerous, the public might demand a radical change in direction-possibly toward unorthodox and nontoxic methods, and toward cancer prevention.”

If interested in the alternative German Cancer treatments, the Center for Hypothermia Hanover is one centers that use the same method as Dr. Neiper. Not all Cancer centers in Germany have these alternative treatments so it is important to find out before making the trek.

What does FDA approved mean anymore in America and has it really meant a whole lot in the past? The fact is that The American Cancer Society, the Food and Drug Administration, the National Cancer Institute, and the American Medical Association as well as all the drug companies out there generate enormous profits from our misguided wallets. Our health care is being run by businessmen and not by doctors. At this point it is up to us to be advocates of our own health and first take the steps toward healthy living to avoid dealing with the business of cancer.

Amidst these convoluted relations and the atmosphere of fear that colors the narrative about the Middle East, a group of 14 average citizens took a trip to Iran in order to create real relationships.

Rae Abileah, a local groups coordinator for CODEPINK out of San Francisco, called the trip a jihad in an effort to recast the word’s use. “Jihad simply means spiritual pilgrimage,” she explained. “Words like ‘jihad’ have been misused, or used out of context, by U.S. mainstream media and the former Bush administration and Republican party to take on whole other definitions.” The intention of these citizen diplomacy missions is to recast the mainstream narrative of the Middle East, defining it in terms of peace rather than war.

The mission, sponsored by the Fellowship of Reconciliation, consisted of Jews and Christians, university students and retirees, activists and rabbis. They explored mosques, temples, bazaars, and ancient ruins, amid a backdrop of chalky mountains and sandy cities.

But most importantly, the group members spent time talking to real citizens. Through Farsi interpreters and non-verbal communication, the delegation attempted to “find common humanity within poisoned social contexts,” said Rabbi Rosen Brant, from the Jewish Reconstructionist Congregation of Evanston.

Describing life there, Abileah’s overriding notion is that Iran is a “tale of two cities:” one out in the streets, and one behind closed doors. This is particularly true for young people and women.

Upon entering Iranian airspace, women on the trip wrapped themselves in their hijabs. Because Iran is an Islamic Republic under the control of a Supreme Leader who functions both religiously and politically, women are required to wear some form of the hijab in public, but the degree to which the head is covered is left up to the individuals.

“Honestly, I didn’t feel a Western righteousness or anger around wearing head covering,” Abileah said. “I figure ‘when in Rome…’ when it comes to something that is not physically harmful…. We learned to poof our bangs and hair in the front in the hip style of the young women in Tehran.”

Beyond hidden hair, women are furthermore disbarred from singing in public and are almost always separated from men in public.

Despite these restrictions, Rabbi Brant noted that the many Iranians, including those who are not Muslim, enjoy living in a country that “moves to a religious rhythm.”

The citizen diplomats extensively explored numerous mosques, including the beautiful mirrored mosque in Shiraz, and met with leaders of the Jewish community in Iran, which numbers approximately 20,000 and is represented by one member of parliament. According to the Iranian constitution, a population of 500,000 is needed to gain representation in the parliament (also known as the Majilis of Iran), but an exception was made for religious minorities like the Jews, Zoroastrians, Catholics, and Armenians.

The delegation generally refrained from speaking substantially about politics.  “Once you raise the issues, you stand in judgment,” Rabbi Rosen said.  But when they did touch upon the subject the perspective was invaluable.

The United States’ storied relationships with countries of the Middle East, particularly our alliance with Israel, weighs heavily on the minds of Iranian citizens. The history of our interactions with the area are not widely known among the American populace; for example, the 1988 U.S. attack on civilian Iran Air Flight 655, which killed all 290 on board, including 66 children. Not only has the U.S. failed to apologize for accidentally shooting down the airbus, but many citizens are not even aware of the event.

Not to say the void in cultural understanding rests with Americans alone. Restrictions on freedom, an idea so distinctly and loudly rejected by Americans, is a habit of life in Iran. Besides the restrictions on women, there are other violations of liberty. Alcohol, forbidden by the Koran, is forbidden by the Iranian government; Facebook is banned within the city limits of Tehran; protests that Iranian NGO Mothers for Peace planned against the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq were forbidden; public hangings still happen regularly. But even the most egregious of human rights violations should be solved by Iranians, as Rabbi Rosen points out.

Agreeing that aggressive U.S. military or economic policy will not positively effect the country’s political or social atmosphere, Abileah says “This kind of external pressure and threat will allow more fundamentalist leaders to rise to power in Iran, and nationalism, rather than internal social change movements, will prevail.”

Abileah emphasizes the need for Americans to educate themselves on life in Iran and ignore the “saber-rattling hype.” CODEPINK will launch a Winds of Change campaign soon, in which American citizens will be able to invest in an Iranian wind power company for just $5 a share. “This act defies U.S. sanctions, supports alternative energy in Iran, and fosters peace and friendship between our two countries,” she says.

Speaking about her experience now that she’s returned to the U.S. has shed more light on the intercultural tensions for Abileah. One woman in New York City thought her oft-repeated slogan, “Peace With Iran,” was wildly idealistic. Instead of arguing with the woman, Abileah listened and acknowledged, a vastly important skill she fostered while in Iran. By learning this skill, we can all progress toward understanding.

For a complete look at the delegation’s trip, see Rae’s two-part blog and Flickr page, as well as Rabbi Brant’s blog.

Editor’s note: Abileah’s quote “Jihad simply means ’spiritual pilgrimage’” may be terminologically misleading. ‘Jihad’ does mean struggle. Abileah’s usage is more akin to a ‘great jihad’ or spiritual jihad, that of the inner struggle toward improvement. She wrote, “We are on a jihad ~ which means that we are going to a conflict[ed] region and seeking to transform our perception of it into a field of compassion, a spiritual journey to deepen our understanding…”

“It was partially this debt that gave the U.S. the political muscle to force the dismantling of British colonial ‘properties’ in the Middle East (the Suez Canal, oil fields, etc.), and which conveniently created the vacuum into which the U.S. stepped to grab oil fields and listening posts in Iran, as well as other strategic and economically advantageous ‘positions’ in the region. Many of our current (mis)fortunes in the Middle East are due to this strategic postwar transfer of hegemony from the British Empire to the U.S.

“And while it has now turned sour, it was a HUGE advantage to the entire American economy, as we imported cheap Middle East oil from the end of World War II to 1973, which basically subsidized the postwar automobile/interstate highway/suburban housing/retail shopping mall construction boom that is so painfully ending as we speak.

“The reason war spending can’t work now is that there is currently no other party to indebt to us, and no booty to grab, to make up for the debt we continue to build up.

Exxon just bought more oil sands.

You guyssssssssssssss.

This is really tough for me. As Obama…and the media…and 52pc of the USA public (the percent that voted this morning that the stimulus would not help/might actually hurt the economy—the other 48pc of the USA were just not paying attn to stimulus at all I bet)… all gathered around the screen of the tv through the second half of 2008 watching scripted bs about the auto bailouts and such

…Exxon bought 1.1bn barrels of proved oil reserves in the Canadian oil sands.

Damnit. You guys. That is HALF of the total land which Exxon bought in 2k8 and now can pull oil from the ground. That’s 1.1bn barrels worth of money that someone should have immediately earmarked and forced Exxon to invest in renewable infrastructure or at least high speed trains or something (yes, hi, dad, I know, sometimes, for brief seconds I am a democrat. But only when I want the government to reprimand companies for spending money like asshole toddlers). Anyway, Exxon could spend on whatever they wanted bc were all too busy trying to bailout the auto companies, who, I don’t doubt it, are really happy Exxon found this special secret oil in the secret country above the US that no one has ever heard of but isn’t Muslim so is probably going to be “ok” to buy oil from in the future- because everyone knows that OPEC is just inventing this research that “oil is not a renewable resource and reserves are depleting” so that it can run up prices. Canadian oil will be there forever and ever, like water, because Jesus will watch over it to provide for his loud Christian fanbase in North America. Let’s all pray that Jesus plans to subsidize the price of oil as well, when the USA starts to rely on this oil which is not only significantly more costly to produce, but also bad for the earth, and also, um, how do you say it?-oh yeah, not renewable.

$37 oil/Jesus Christ 4 life.

(and i wish i could identify who the person i am quoting is, but it came to be anonymously!!!) “we came out of World War II with 50% of global GDP (due to the destruction of the industrial capacity of much of Europe and Japan), don’t forget that some part of our production DURING the war was for lend-lease programs, under which we were selling a good chunk of that wartime production to our allies, and for which we accepted their IOUs until after the war (payable in gold, of course). How do your other readers think we ended up with all those gold reserves by the end of World War II?? (Remember those convoys of supply ships to England that were such rich hunting for the fabled wolf packs of German U-boats? They were paid for by England, not us.)

“It was partially this debt that gave the U.S. the political muscle to force the dismantling of British colonial ‘properties’ in the Middle East (the Suez Canal, oil fields, etc.), and which conveniently created the vacuum into which the U.S. stepped to grab oil fields and listening posts in Iran, as well as other strategic and economically advantageous ‘positions’ in the region. Many of our current (mis)fortunes in the Middle East are due to this strategic postwar transfer of hegemony from the British Empire to the U.S.

“And while it has now turned sour, it was a HUGE advantage to the entire American economy, as we imported cheap Middle East oil from the end of World War II to 1973, which basically subsidized the postwar automobile/interstate highway/suburban housing/retail shopping mall construction boom that is so painfully ending as we speak.

“The reason war spending can’t work now is that there is currently no other party to indebt to us, and no booty to grab, to make up for the debt we continue to build up.”

The solution:

Subject: economic crisis text: “I solve it. That Ofewa guy is super pop, right? What if he sells his sperm and gives the $ to the fed?”
-Matthew,via email

“Let’s just mass procreate and sell our kids to rule Other countries and that’ll just give us the opp to resolve all debt.”
-Maggie
Sent from my iPhone

“I hope this was written while driving through a yellow light @ a dangerous intersection [editors note: bc that is how millenials do].”
-Matthew, via email

“Better. I checked my email during yoga. And responded immediately. Twice. ”
-Maggie
Sent from my iPhone