The Chum Bucket

We're changing our name!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:42:00 +0000

Hello!

Thanks loads for reading our satirical musings, whether you're a follower, occasional reader, or frequent visitor. We've got a bit of news for you about our new master plan for our comedy group this year.

The Chum Bucket will henceforth be known as Dig For Victory.

The King is dead, long live the king, and all that. Anyway, we decided we’d take all this a bit more seriously, and what with the New Year, we fancied a bit of a name change to match our new-found assertiveness.

We’ll be closing this blog off in due course, but we’d be chuffed to bits if you could make the hop over to our new website here: www.d4v.co.uk. We'll also transfer all our old articles across to an archive, so you'll always have access to any old favourites.

Also, if you'd like join our new Facebook page we can keep you posted on all our new podcasts, comics, satire, and news alongside invites to all of our live shows and events.

That’s it for now, thanks loads for following us so far. We hope you’ll join us for an exciting year.

Take care,

Dec, Matt, Nick & Rich.
www.digforvictorycomedy.com

Cadburys takeover forces Milk Tray Man to become a gigolo

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:06:00 +0000

The takeover of chocolate giant Cadburys by US food manufacturer Kraft will result in large job losses with many of the much loved figures associated with the company being given the boot. The news has hit the firm hard with many of the brands unable to come to terms with their fate. Early this morning, a Twirl bar was found to have hanged itself in the toilets. An accompanying note read, "Let's face it, I was always just a wannabe Flake."

The Caramel Bunny is one such new addition to the dole queue and she explained how the news was broken to her. "I was called into the head office and was told that I was being let go. It seems the new face of Cadburys Caramel will be a giant helicopter named Doug. He'll still have a seductive quality but apparently his sexual allure will be more helicopter-based."

Other noted changes of career include the Milk Tray man who will be a man hooker, paid to romance bored housewives and sexually curious farmhands. He seemed unsure about his new job although keen to get started. "On the plus side, it means I no longer have to climb through windows. But on the downside, I don't think I'll be able to make it through the day without crying."

The Americans' takeover means a new aggressive approach to advertising with old slogans given a bit more punch. One such example is the new campaign for Flake: "Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before. So buy it you faggot!"

Google: China too evil, even for us

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 11:31:00 +0000

The internet giant, Google, will cease its Beijing operations due to the Chinese government becoming too villainous, even for a company as hell-bent on world domination as Google. A spokesperson for the company said, "We at Google set our standards low. There is no part of your life that we would happily seek to gain control of.

"Our new plan is to try and fill the air you breath with adverts, tiny invisible commericals that you have no idea sbout until they suddenly pop into your thoughts. That's how evil we are. But hey, we're not executing the mental ill."

The Chinese have responded with indifference to Google's actions. Prime Minister Wen Jiabao, stroking a bonsai tree, said, "Goodbye Mr. Google, so sad to see you go. But you'll be back, they always come back. And don't forget, we've always got Yahoo. Moo-haa, moo-haa, moo-ha-ha-ha-ha."

The withdrawal comes as the internet comes under increasing attack by the Japanese authorities. In the early hours of this morning, Ask Jeeves was shot by firing squad for alleged spying. Ironically, for a man who has spent his life answering queries, the last act of his life was to field the question "Do you have any last requests?"

Zombies in failed coup against King of the Undead

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 10:53:00 +0000

A cabal of zombies has failed in its attempt to topple their leader, claiming that it was vital in order to prepare for the upcoming war against the vampires. Patricia Hewitt, a maggot-infested monster who has been roaming the Earth for eight thousand years, claimed that the King of the Undead was unfit to lead his armies into battle. "It's just an embarrassing situation," groaned Hewitt, "we all have flesh peeling off us but in order to secure victory against the vampires, we need someone who isn't just a mess of gibbering organs."

However, Hewitt's attempt to unseat the leader was cut off as the King's supporters came together to show their support. The king's financial adviser released a statement which read, "Dur, nur, grrrrr, full backing, dur, grrr, looking forward, venuh, blur, durr, dealing with the issues of today." The minister for zombie welfare was unable to comment due to feasting on brains.

But despite the failed coup, the move has raised the spirits of the Vampire hoardes. The confidence of the creatures of the night has been low after they revealed plans to bring in the private sector to increase blood sucking. But the news of the unsettled zombie army has brought a boost in their intent. "Surely now the night will draw in and our fangs will pierce the rancid necks of the undead," said a party aide.

Asked to comment on who out of the zombies or vampires will reign victorious, a member of the public replied, "Why can't they just sort out the f**king economy? Rather than this prancing around in fancy dress."

Iran cuts off all contact with Loose Women

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 11:14:00 +0000

The regime in Iran has severed all ties with Western broadcasting, insisting that the Iranian population is at risk of being corrupted by the satanic influence of Location, Location, Location. An official spokesperson for the government outlined the reasons why they are shutting themselves off from The One Show. Gholamhossein Elham, the official spokesman for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government condemned those whom he accused of waging a "soft war" against the regime.

"I see these programmes as having a clear intent on subverting the ideals of our government. One such example is Deal or No Deal, which espouses the idea that we can be in control of our fate. This is poisonous as we all know that our lives are controlled by the will of Allah. That, and Noel Edmonds is an utter anus."

The Iranian regime is widely known for being suspicious about outside influences. It has previously lashed out at the producers of the Hollywood film 300, accusing it of negatively portraying the Persians in a negative light. However, the producers hit back, saying that their film portrayed the medium of cinema in a bad light.

What will happen in 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 11:42:00 +0000

In its last post for 2009, the Chum Bucket will peer into the crystal ball, gaze into the future and then write some crap about tossers. The following predictions are not legally binding and are subject to alterations after actual events have happened.

January

Celebrity Big Brother faces ruin as the lack of any viewers means that no contestants are voted out for the first eight weeks. The entire nation is too busy working overtime to pay off their credit card debts whilst the core audience of unemployed sociopaths find more enjoyment in staring at a puddle.

February

Sick of being lambasted for trying to save the planet in his private jet, Sting leaves Earth to try and save Mars. "It's a desolate wasteground now," says Sting, "but with a lick of paint and some Mongolian folk music, we should be able to turn it around." He spends eight months trying to fix the planet but his efforts are in ruins after a NASA probe finds no signs of intelligent life.

March

The world is taken hostage after Eddie Murphy threatens to release more films. Despite the global recession, nations scramble around to meet the ransom. This stops Murphy from appearing in a British comedy with Horne and Corden, a combination scientists claim would have been the perfect storm of crap cinema.

April

Not only is Michael Owen left of England's World Cup squad, he is left out of his own house. Owen is determined to force his way back but breaks both legs whilst trying to put the key in the lock. "I'm not a quitter," says Owen, "although if it goes on much longer, I'll just buy another house."

May

Gordon Brown's attempt to call a general election fails. The Prime Minister dials the wrong number five times before throwing the phone at the wall. British law states that in the absence of a general election, the next Prime Minister must be a member of parliament who can show integrity and conviction. Due to the lack of any candidates, the country is ruled by mice.

June

Andy Murray is thrown out of Wimbledon after complaints over his excessive shouting. After winning every point, Murray is heard to be exclaiming, "You may break my service but you'll never take my freedom!"

July

England are knocked out of the World Cup after a last minute goal consigns them to an 8-0 defeat against Brazil. The Sun reacts with a headline of "Kill All Gypsies!"

August

A nationwide heatwave leads to Sharon Osbourne's face melting. Steve Lamacq promises to provide water to any home who can remember what he does.

September

David Cameron takes over the country with swift and crushing coup d'etat against the ruling mice. "I can't believe it's taken us this long to realise that they are an inch in size." Most of the mice are kept on in administrative capacities.

October

Katie Price kidnaps the Pope in order to hold onto her dwindling fame. When this doesn't work after the Pope magics himself away, Price changes her name to "Cure for AIDS." The AIDS virus sues for bringing its name into disrepute.

November

The climate change conference in Oslo is successful. All of the countries' leaders sign a binding agreement that they will turn up to a climate change conference next year.

December

The X-Factor is once again denied the number one slot at Christmas. An internet campaign succeeds in getting NWA's 'Fuck Tha Police' to the top spot. Cowell is magnanimous in defeat, "Fair play to them, it's a great record and the market for crap schmalz has run its course." The X-Factor winner is then put down.

Student's attempt to blow up plane makes planned reunion awkward

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 15:23:00 +0000

The ex-UCL student who failed in his attempt blow up a plane in America has succeeded in ripping apart his classmates' plans for a meet-up. The actions of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab have made it increasingly difficult for the class of 2008 to get together. Danny Simpson, the graduate who had organised the meet-up, expressed his frustration at the ongoing situation. "I'm seriously pissed off. I had booked a table in Brown's, managed to get confirmations from everyone and then everyone is now backing out because Umar tried to blow up a plane." The spokesperson for the restaurant confirmed that Simpson would be losing his deposit.

Those who knew Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab are amazed at their former classmate's actions. The head of the engineering department in which Abdulmutallab was enrolled described the 23 year old as a "hard working student althought quiet. The only sign of any trouble was when he asked whether he could sign up for the Explosives in Pants workshop. We don't normally get many people interested."

Fellow student Alan Wicker remembers Abdulmutallab as a diligent worker although prone to eccentricity. "I remember he came up to me one day and said, 'I've got a bomb in my pants.' I said, 'Yeah, I also need to get laid.' He said, 'No seriously, I'm packing explosives.' I replied, 'Damn right, I call mine the Wrathful Cobra.'"

Travel chaos reeks havoc with Britain's doggers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 10:48:00 +0000

The large amounts of snow and ice on Britain's roads have made life hell for the British public. The dangerous weather conditions have made life precarious for those looking to get to relatives, those delivering presents and those spazzing off to people banging each other in cars. Britian's doggers are facing numerous problems over the festive period such as traffic jams, black ice and frostbite of the knackers.

Experienced dogger Mike Turner recalls one such incident. "We were watching a couple going at it in a layby near the turn-off for the M6. This was classic dogging. It was bloody cold but everyone was getting into it. I was on the bonnet looking in when I realised that my ballbag had got frozen onto the windscreen. I had to tap on the window and ask if the couple had any de-icer. They didn't. In the end, I had to chip it off with a credit card."

Mr. Turner's ill-fortune is symptomatic of the luck befalling those who get off from watching gang bangs in trucks. Police constable Trevor Gibbs reports on the trouble doggers have got themselves into. "We had a man who was simply trying to get some sleep in a car park after a long journey. Suddenly he is confronted by the sight of tens of people dropping their trousers and rubbing themselves up agaisnt the car. When he explained his situation, I'm told that there were tears. Angry, angry tears."

Children's fury as magic snowman refuses to fly

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 11:55:00 +0000

Children of a Wiltshire village have lambasted a snowman brought to life through the magic of Christmas for refusing to take them a wondrous flight through the skies. The gentleman in question has defended his actions on the grounds that he hasn't had the proper training. Mr. Tumbles, a resident of the village green in Lacock, was fashioned by the youngsters and was then imparted with life due it being Christmas and that sort of thing generally happening.

However, the delight of having a new found friend made out of snow has quickly turned sour for his creators. Kevin McDonald, one of the team behind Mr. Tumbles, spoke of his disappointment. "He just sits around smoking and kicking snow in our faces. If we ask him to do anything like tell us stories or do magic, he tells us to go and chew a tree. My mate Simon asked him to show us the magic of Christmas. Mr. Tumbles just showed us the middle finger."

Mr. Tumbles has defended his behaviour on the grounds that he is only doing what he is employed to do. "Listen, this is tough work. In two weeks time I'm melting and that's if I'm lucky. I could be pissed on by a dog or cut in two by some alcopop-addled youth 'cos he didn't all the PS3 games he wanted. Plus, I'm hardly a top-notch snowman. I've got a tiny head and where's the cock and balls? All the other snowmen are taking this piss." Other magic snowmen in the area did confirm that Mr. Tumbles was indeed a cockless bastard.

Anger as leaders' TV debate leaves public less time to disengage with politics

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 10:05:00 +0000

Britain's voting public have reacted with fury as a three way debate on TV between political leaders means that they'll have to watch politics instead of Britain's Dirtiest Urinals. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was delighted at the news. "Stick that in your voter apathy pipe and smoke it. I'm going to be all over your idiot box like Adrian Chiles. And there won't even be that fit one to look at either."

The three debates will take place on BBC, ITV and Sky. The Sky event will be hosted by Danny Dyer which is entitled Britain's Propa Naughtiest Politics Geezers and No Mistake Guv'nor. Dyer was enthralled at the prospect of engaging in the issues of the day. "This thing is going to go right off. I want Cameron coming in there and being like 'Bosh' and some geezer to get hit in the face with an iron bar. And then when they've all finished punching each other, I want all of them to address the national deficit."

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, was excited at the promise of more national exposure. "They've said that if I am well behaved, I get to point the camera. But only for a minute."

The Daily Mail to accept 50% cut in outrage

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 09:58:00 +0000

The Daily Mail has announced that it will be reducing its sense of self-righteousness and moral grand-standing by half. Editor of the paper, Paul Dacre said, "We like to think that we are line with public thinking and also, we're not going to allow that bastard Jonathan Ross to get one up on us." The move has been prompted by Ross's new deal with the BBC with both sides agreeing that he could be replaced by a bunch of schoolkids who knew how to come up with clever twists on the idea of two people having sexual intercourse.

The new regime at the Daily Mail will feature old favourites such as European bureaucrats, house prices and everything causing cancer but done in a much more restrained way. Columnist Richard Littlejohn was one quick to adopt to the new methods. "It's an absolute disgrace," said Littlejohn, "it's all a bunch of jobsworths telling us what we can and can't do. You couldn't make it up. Although I did saw a rainbow today and it made my heart swell with love. I skipped down the street and hugged a tree." A spokesperson for the paper did confirm that it still viewed single mothers as scum.

Fury as BA strike condemns millions to spend Christmas in UK

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 10:10:00 +0000

The decision of British Airways staff to strike over Christmas will leave millions in front of crap television and dull weather, customers claim. The airline is facing a deluge of complaints as irate customers face missing out on holidays in Mauritius, Paris and New York, leaving them stuck in Carlisle, Doncaster and even some parts of Wales.

BA customer Richard Marland had two weeks planned in Madrid but will now be spending Christmas in a suburb of York. "I had it all figured," said Marland, "I was going to party non-stop. Women, drugs and booze going in any orifice I could find. All I'm left with now is hoping that the boiler won't break down. And that my parents forget where I live."

Some of British Airways' customers are hoping that there will be a breakthrough in talks between the union and the airline. Carol Bingham, a mother of four hoping to get away from burnt turkey and a deluge of films they've already seen on DVD said, "They've just get to reach an agreement. I've worked all year to fund this trip to America as it is the one place I know I won't hear that f**king Slade. If the two sides don't settle, I'll have to stuff my ears with their internal organs."

The possibility of remaining in the United Kingdom is taking its toll on those waiting at airports around the country. One man was seen at Heathrow rocking backwards and forwards, simply repeating, "French and Saunders, I just know they'll show French and Saunders."

Delight as X-Factor decreases unemployment by one

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:50:00 +0000

The whole of England was united in celebration last night as the newly crowned X-Factor winner Joe Elderry revealed he would be coming off unemployment benefits. "I'm going to the Job Centre to sign off," said Elderry, desperately searching for his National Insurance Number. The news brought tears to many of the people watching. Ellen Tidwell, a viewer in Wolverhampton, said, "It's like Christmas has come early. I can just imagine him opening his first pay cheque and the way his little face will light up after he sees how much Simon Cowell has taken."

Elderry starts his new job as a Simon Cowell drone a week on Monday and is keen to make a good impression. "I'm scrubbing out the toilets, picking up Dannii Minouge's new face from the cleaners and then performing in front of ten thousand people for nine hours straight. It's going to be the toughest fiver I've ever earned."

Elderry is predicted to be a big hit amongst the public due to his regional accent, his unthreatening voice and a bigger supporting army behind than Kim Jong Il. "We're going to make Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants look like a lost girl guide group," said one industry insider. Elderry is expected to get the Christmas number one slot, a position normally reserved for the twee and mentally ill.

Family urge anti-capitalist son not to be an asshole around Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:01:00 +0000

A family based in Bromley has put out an urgent appeal to their son begging him to not ruin Christmas by shouting excerpts of Karl Marx at anyone wielding a cracker. The Hudsons, a family of four, are concerned that their son's militant tendencies will spoil the holiday season through harranguing his relatives with anti-capitalist rhetoric.

Mr. Hudson said, "Eric is a perfectly pleasant boy but he has just spent his first term at university and has picked up ideas that he doesn't really understand. He goes on and on about free markets and plutocracies. But when you ask him who Alan Greenspan is, he says he's a member of N-Dubz. I mean, that's possibly true but I'm pretty sure he does do other stuff."

However, Eric Hudson is unrepentant at his attitude to the festive season. "Don't give me all that stuff about people coming together, presents and happiness. It's about money and corporations and greed and yeah. It's just another phoney dressed up charade to fool us into perpetuating the capitalist system that enslaves us and exploits us and yeah." When asked if knew what quantative easing meant, Hudson replied, "Yeah, it's when you film someone shoplifting from Lidl. Safe."

Copenhagen summit chooses spiders to rule after humanity's collapse

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:00:00 +0000

It's the agreement that no-one thought would happen. The world's leaders have gathered together in Copenhagen and come up with a binding agreement. It has nothing to do with climate change but they have concluded that it will be spiders who are the Earth's dominant creature after humanity throws itself into the abyss. Gordon Brown announced the choice in a small cupboard whilst people's attention was focused elsewhere. "Although we won't be able to save ourselves, we have put a lot of work into making sure that the spider will reign supreme. All hail the spider, the new devastator of Planet Earth!"

The summit had started off on a good note with inconsequential matters quickly brushed aside. Helen Taylor, working as an aide, reported how the issue of global warming was quickly dealt with. "Everyone just decided that humanity is doomed to failure due to its inability to form an equilibrium with its natural surroundings. We're just a virus with a nose. Which it uses to give itself the impression that its shit doesn't stink."

However, for the animals that didn't get the nod for global domination, the summit was something of a failure. Heading up the bear lobby was Michael, a great bear from Canada. "We put together a great package about our ability to be top of the food chain whilst still remaining cuddly. But then they brought up the issue of Yoggie Bear's continued thieving of picnics plus Winnie the Pooh's addiction to honey and the whole thing collapsed. Plus the spiders did give great giftbags."

Tiger Woods' midlife crisis as boring as expected

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:00:00 +0000

The current scandal surrounding golfer Tiger Woods is exactly as dull as expected, claim experts. Woods has been involved in a minor car outside his house and is currently denying having affairs with two women who are both just averagely good looking. Relationship expert Ruth Varnish gave her opinion on the tedious shenanigans. "When most men hit their mid-thirties, they go a phase of worrying that they have lost their youth. They do things like buy fast cars, date younger women and do stuff like bungee jumping. What we're seeing from Woods is basically a really boring version of this."

Woods has always maintained a steady lifestyle. His idea of danger is not washing an apple before he eats it. And his moderate manner of messing up is entirely in keeping with his public image, something that his fans appreciate. Eric Newby, a golfing fan from Salt Lake City, said, "I went through a similar phase myself when I hit thirty-six. I just felt that I had lost my vigour and so I went on an eight day meths bender, during which time I destroyed two acres worth of corn and danced naked at an ice hockey game, inviting the players to shove the puck where the sun don't shine.

"I also put two bishops in hospital and ended up becoming a chief of a lost Amazonian tribe. So to see Tiger just crash his car and get off with two women who are both about a seven, it makes you feel good about the world."

Wetherspoons to create monopoly on drunks

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 10:45:00 +0000

Wetherspoons has announced plans to create 10,000 new jobs in 250 new pubs, leading to fears that it will become the Tescos for bums. The company has stressed that it is not looking for competition but local pubs fear that the new pubs will be cutting in on their share of sad old men who start drinking at noon.

Proprietor of the Cat and Bunyon pub in Bromley Ed Berry said, "I've known some of these pissheads for years. There's Brian who is on a gin drip, old Mikey who likes to discuss the issues of the day with the dartboard and Wally who keeps on telling everyone that Destiny's Child stole his act.

"If they start drinking elsewhere in dimly lit shacks with cut-price drinks, I don't know what I'll do. The pub trade is bad enough as it is. You've got the recession, the smoking ban plus the fact that fewer people want to drink in a dingy bar with some bloke shouting at a dartboard."

However, the head of the Wetherspoons chain, Cecil Frimby tried to calm the fears of local publicans. "Wetherspoons started off very small. I saw a man drinking alone in a shed. And I thought to myself, 'Why don't we take that and make it bigger?' This is why all Wetherspoons are basically warehouses with booze. There's no music, no atmosphere, no football. But you do just pay two pound fifty for a Red Bull and vodka. That's why our motto is 'If you're having a good time, you've probably come to the wrong place.'"

Swiss to allow building of minarets if they are made from Nazi gold

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:12:00 +0000

Swiss authorities have reacted quickly to accusations of Islamophobia by ammending the ban applied to the building of minarets. The towers which are used to give the call to prayer will be allowed to be erected if they can also be used as tax havens. Swiss Minister for the Interior, Claude Gaston said, "We are not biased against Muslims, we just want them to fit in with our values. Those values of appeasement, hoarding money and producing substantially inferior chocolate products. And if they could yodel the call to prayer, that would be the icing on the overly rich cake."

The move to ban minarets had been brought by a mass petition who see the towers as a growing threat of Islamisation. Geneva resident Hans Revenue said, "They come over here and they take our town space, reflecting the growing Muslim population within Europe. I tell you, it's a bloody disgrace. The next thing will be them wanting some kind of recognition for their faith. I mean, did we win the Crusades or what?"

Recession could be dispelled by morons' spending habits

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 16:09:00 +0000

The United Kingdom could soon find itself out of recession if idiots continue to spend money on crap, claim a panel of experts. The revelation comes as the high street chemist Boots admits that it sells homeopathic remedies even though they know that there is no evidence for them working. Keith Palmer, a manager of a Boots branch in Bromley said, "We're so lucky that our customers are mostly braindead spanners. We've been able to flog all kinds of tat on the grounds it'll improve your circulation and give you shinier toes. We're evening selling whistle oil. Apparently it gives your liver greater buoyancy."

The rate at which the tinctures of frog spittle are flying off the shelves has given Boots the idea of starting up other ventures with which to trap the gullible and the feeble-minded. Chief Executive of Boots Tug Bosendran give his outlook on the new winter collection. "We've got chocolate teapots, Katie Price novels and left elbow cream. If that doesn't draw in the punters, we've always got our back-up plan. I'm talking calendars with puppies dressed up as fireman together with the cast of Hollyoaks. It's a banker!"

The outlay of idiots on cheap crap currently accounts for 6.4% of the UK's GDP but experts expect this to rise as Christmas approaches. Professor Clive Bonnet of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his forecast for the coming season. "Although people have tended to rein in their spending as the recession has bitten, there is no accounting for divs. And as it gets closer to Christmas, people become ever more distant from reality. Expect to see perfectly people holding up hideous jumpers and saying 'Here, this would look nice on our Terry'. I know that I will."

Woody Allen's new film with Carla Bruni: REVEALED

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:48:00 +0000

In a move that has shocked the cinematic world, Woody Allen has cast an attractive woman to star in a film in which people talk about metaphysics and Hungarian farming techniques. The lead role will be taken by Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, First Lady of France and 2,305th Lady of Mick Jagger. Allen explained why he had chosen Bruni-Sarkozy. "Well, you know, she has this aesthetic, a minimalist conception of what Sartre is trying to explain when he talks about negating moral nihilism. Plus I know she has a thing for older guys."

Bruni-Sarkozy agreed with Allen's estimation saying, "It's true that I have penchant for the mature man. I've had relationships with Eric Clapton, Julius Caesar, Socrates and a two month thing with Apollo." Bruni-Sarkozy also admitted that being married to French President Nicolas Sarkozy had provided her with enough experience to deal with a short man with diminishing respect on the world stage.

The Chum Bucket can also reveal part of the script for Allen's new film, No Need For Viagra, which is set in Paris and features a seventy year old neurotic intellectual called Buddy Gallen struggling to find time for his eight mistresses.

We open on a street cafe. Buddy Gallen is sitting with a copy of Baudelaire's Fleur du Mal and making improvements. Along comes Ella Nympho, a beautiful and radiant woman with the libido of a high school football team and unresolved issues with her father.

Nympho: Excuse me, I couldn't help notice that you're reading French poetry. That surely marks you out as being intellectual and by logical extension, a good person.

Gallen: Well, good is such a bourgeois term. Beneath the veneer of a socially applied patriarchal moral system, I think we're all just animals.

Nympho: That's fascinating, do you mind if I sit down?

Gallen: Of course but be careful not to knock over my oxygen cylinder. My bronchitis is really playing up.

Nympho: You have bronchitis? I find that so attractive. Would you have sex with me and then agonise whether your ex-wife was right about Ingmar Bergman?

Gallen: You got it. But we'll first need to stop off for incontinence pads.

Fans of Twilight warned that not all vampires are pussies

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:10:00 +0000

With the release of the new vampire film Twilight, teenagers are being warned that not all creatures of the undead are limp-wristed, pale-faced wimps who collect flower petals and cry at sunsets. Experts foresee an entire generation growing up with the notion that vampires and werewolves are just misunderstood pansies who prefer going clothes shopping to defiling young virgins.

Fantasy expert Nigel Plummer said, "Twilight promotes the notion that the most fiercesome and brutal creatures are kind, considerate people. The sort who spend hours on the phone, going 'You hang up, no, you hang up,' But that just isn't it the case. The truth is that they would rather be kicking down your door and sucking you drier than a HSBC pension fund."

The Twlight saga has been praised for its portrayal of the dilemmas that most teenagers face. And then slammed for doing it with such bad writing. Writing expert Anna Liverman gave her opinion of the book. "It reads like a drunk trying to give road directions to a town in Wales."

There has also been considerable upset amongst the werewolf and vampire community over their portrayal in the film. The ire is due to them being depicted as weepy drips who use their muscled bodies to help grannies across the road and collect litter in parks. One vampire spoke out against the film, saying, "I'm a loathsome creature of the night. I'm evil, I'm despicable and I feast on the blood of the young. But now the wife has seen New Moon I'm expected to take her out for dinner and go shopping at Topman."

French philosophers to debate 'What is a handball?'

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Thierry Henry's intervention in the vital World Cup playoff in Paris has provoked the entire nation of France to debate the question of 'Can one really handle a ball or is it just a state of mind?' Some of France's most celebrated minds are pondering the issue of whether Henry was committing an egregious foul or simply posing a metaphysical conundrum. Robert Gignac, of the Institute de Flimflam, described what happened as a political gesture, "For me, the handball is a revolutionary act. I don't know how but if we look through a glass and we see a spider knitting itself into a wasp, who is to say that is wrong? I rest my case."

Other Gallic penseurs have come forward with their own theories. Alain Dubedubedoo said, "In my estimation, he was providing us with an essential truth. Because we are descended from Adam, a fallen man, we are all guilty of a handball during all of our lives. So when we touch the ball with our hands and then do it again, and then pretend that we did nothing of the sort until we are confronted with the proof, what we are really doing is confirming ourselves as individuals. But if the Irish players had done it, they would be knobs."

T-Mobile to reveal your darkest fears

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:54:00 +0000

Mobile phone users across the country are being warned that their innermost anxieties and phobias are being used by mobile phone companies to increase the number of people signing up for their text message packages. Private data released by rogue T-Mobile staff means that all of their customers’ habits, dreams and desires are in the public domain. These can be used to manipulate those who would never ever sign up to any deal that features an association with something that scares them stiff. Hundreds of customers have reported instances of coercion based around the themes of “bat fury” and “a dawn raid from clowns.”

Gemma Pilsbury was a Vodafone customer coming to the end of her contract when she received a cold call from a person representing another company. “They told me that they could offer me a better deal. I said no, I was happy with Vodafone. Then they said that all Vodafone customers were required to do some public speaking as part of their contract renewal. I just froze up as I’ve never been able to speak in public. Ever since I saw Ricky Gervais at the Diana memorial concert.

“I signed up to Orange that very instant and ever since then my life has fallen apart. I’ve lost friends, I can’t sleep at night and I can never get any bloody signal.”

Joe Larkten was another such victim. “I got a call from Virgin who said that if I signed up to a two year deal, they would be able to rescue me from the swarm of bees who would lock me in a confined space. I can’t believe they would use such manipulative tactics like that. To target someone at their weakest and most vulnerable. Although the amount of free minutes I get each month is outstanding.”

Delight as I’m A Celebrity contestants work out why each other is famous

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:15:00 +0000

It is the Eureka moment that could set the series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ to be one of the defining television shows of the year as the contestants finally work out how on earth they are deemed to be celebrities. Creator of the show, Vince Nevor, explained why this year’s show appeared to be consisting of bag ladies and people purloined from chicken sexing plants. “We had to shake up the whole system. We’ve got to question the whole nature of celebrity and get people to ask, ‘Are these celebrities or simply people who have been on TV?’. It’s very Samuel Becket. According to my researcher.“

The series exploded into life with the arrival of Katie Price, the model formerly known as Jordan who formerly was quite pretty until she took a scalpel to her face. Until then, the cast had been stalking each other like panthers, unsure whether they were in the presence of celebrity or just a dick in a cork hat. With the introduction of Katie Price, Lucy Benjamin stammered, “It’s that one, the one who has got massive funbags and pretends to write books. This must be a reality TV show!”

This set off a spiral of discoveries as each began to recognise one another. Kim Woodburn was the next to be worked out and formerly unmasked as the person who is filmed telling other people that they are living in filth. Questions still remain over Justin Ryan who keeps on telling the others that he is the star of the BBC Three documentary, My Inguinal Hernia and Me. But the others are not so sure. The one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats has her doubts. “I’m sure he’s served in me in KFC,” said the one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats.

Nurses to be patronised to degree level

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:02:00 +0000

A radical new shake up of Britain’s nursing system means that any doctor wishing to patronise a nurse with either “Sweetheart”, “Honeycheeks” or “Saucy thighs” will have to add the suffix “BA (Hons)” at the end. The new regulations also mean that nurses can no longer be chased around hospital wards to the sounds of the Benny Hill theme tune.

Chief of nursing Deborah Barnhart praised the new levels of professionalism. “I’m delighted about the advances that are being made. I gather that in the new Carry on film, Carry On Administering Care Whilst Appreciating the Financial Constraints Under Which the NHS is Operating, the Kenneth Williams stand-in will exclaim such things as ‘Oh Matron, I say, that's a bit of a big one. By one I mean the funding for your MPhil.’”

The heightened stringency of the new regulations has filtered down to the wards with patients getting used to the new levels of professionalism. Nurse Beth Cartwright told her story about her experiences. “I had one chap, an elderly gentleman, who I was tending to. I turned around and felt him slap me on the bum. I turned back and he said, ‘Nice thesis darling. I thought your examination of the effect of improved food production in post-industrial Britain on infant mortality rates was smashing.’ I smiled, turned away and then withdrew his sodium drip when he wasn’t looking. He completely missed the point of my paper.”