Okay, some of it is bologna. The great majority of it, however, is crack. $100,000 worth of crack cocaine, for those of us who are street-wise, anyway.

Porky himself.

The police in Holyoke, Mass. discovered the cocaine hidden inside a log ‘o lunch meat last Thursday evening.

Little known fact: dinner meat holds a much greater volume of illegal substance.

It was actually a police dog who discovered the meat-wrapped malicious medicant. Shocker!

Anyway, the meaty delivery came to a Massachusetts man’s house —and BAM!— incarceration sandwich.

Not even a sandwich artist at a Subway Restaurant can make this type of shit up. Okay, he probably can. Now that we’ve covered “booger sugar” in a bologna log, let’s put “mary jane” in a meat pie, “live, spit and die” inside some liverwurst, and “whack” inside a wienerschnitzel.

Well if you ask me, the perp can have his bologna and eat it, too. Personally, I find pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted-cured meats.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S449KdjPKrY

Buried treasure.

Take a good look at that meaty devil. You might revisit your breakfast. Then get back to work.

We here at ITE? try to steer clear of major issues whenever possible. This is for a variety of reasons, like:

• Major issues such as religion or politics demand a level of research and fact checking that we can’t be bothered with
• These major issues aren’t really all that funny at times (this article will prove that)
• Major issues are extremely divisive, and, well, we just want to be everyone’s buddy

BUT, unfortunately, sometimes an issue (that some may consider to be “major”) cannot be ignored, and this is one of those times.

Let’s start with the Ground Zero mosque uproar.

Yes, I know that this story has been beaten into the ground, but it really needs to be mentioned as a table setter for the main course of ignorance to come.

As most of you probably know by now, an Islamic community center and mosque called Park51 is being built two blocks from where the World Trade Center towers once stood. What you probably also know is that a lot of people aren’t happy about this. Increasing numbers of people have been emerging over the past couple months to speak out against the construction of the center, calling it disrespectful to the victims of the 9/11 tragedy.

You see, because the dickhead terrorists who crashed their hijacked planes into the trade towers that day were Muslim (albeit radical Muslim), the entire faith is somehow responsible for the catastrophe, and should have to pay some sort of price.

No one opposing the mosque seems to care about the aspects of the Constitution that allow religious freedom. These same people don’t want to acknowledge the fact that these religious freedoms are one of the things that makes the United States of America such an amazing place to live.

Nope. They’re happy just leaving that part out.

They’re happy being ignorant.

And please don’t misunderstand, I feel horribly about the 9/11 tragedy. I’m a proud American, so of course I do. But the acts of one subset of crazy people should not become the standard that an entire population is judged against.

The ignorance being displayed at Park51 will most likely not lead to any immediate changes at the site. The building will be built, and once election day scoots off the calendar in November the Fox News air waves will tire of the subject completely. The litany of politicians and pundits using the “issue” as a talking point will no longer see its value and will move on to something else.

But the damage of their ignorance will still leave a mark.

Hell, it already is.

Ignorance gives way to blind hatred.

Here’s the problem:

The perfectly innocuous construction of Park51 has become a rallying point for a new wave of vehement anti-Islamic sentiment. Everywhere you turn now there is a crowd of ignorant fools gathering to demonstrate against a mosque being built in their area.

Unfortunately, these crowds don’t have the convenient excuse of being near a tragedy site to mask their discriminatory ramblings. Nope. Instead, they’re just carelessly spouting hate speech about Muslim people and customs in places like Tennessee and Wisconsin. So instead of their being two sides to the argument (and I’m stretching to say that there are two sides in the NYC case) there is only one side, the side of hatred. And discrimination.

And ignorance.

And then, just when you think things can’t get any more ridiculous, Terry Jones comes along and turns up the heat. Literally.

Terry Jones hates America.

The powder keg of anti-Islamic bullshit that has been poked and prodded over the past 90 days has given way to some truly despicable acts. A few weeks back, an Islamic cab driver was slashed with a knife for simply admitting he was Muslim. Then, a few days after that, several Islamic prayer rugs were urinated on (and YES, if I wasn’t running so hot right now I’d totally insert a Big Lebowski comment here) by a man who shouted “terrorists” after drunkenly wandering into a mosque.

And now, the great and powerful Reverend Terry Jones has organized an event for this Saturday (which happens to be 9/11) encouraging people to burn copies of the Quran.

So we’ve got a knife attack based solely on blind (and ignorant) hatred, a despicable act of biological vandalism and a zealot encouraging people to burn the most holy book in the entire Muslim faith.

Yikes. That’s not good.

Rev. Jones has spoken out and said that he is organizing the book burning to “send a message to radical Islam,” but the whole thing sure seems like a classic example of stooping to the level of your enemy to me. The argument could be made that this is a time to “fight fire with fire” or some other bullshit cliche, but when your enemy is a group of people that are completely crazy, you don’t want to play with the sort of fire they’re dealing with.

Plus, isn’t one of the great strengths of America the simple fact that we don’t handle problems in radical ways? We’re a rational nation that thinks before it acts.

But I guess Rev. Jones doesn’t really like America all that much. At least that’s what his actions make me think.

Despite name dropping the Constitution whenever someone questions how he can do something this crazy, he obviously has no real appreciation for the document or he wouldn’t be persecuting an entire faith of people.

In fact, based on the words of General David Petraeus (who knows a thing or two), the Quran burning movement could very easily lead to more anti-American violence both here and overseas, where our troops are busting their asses to protect assholes like Terry Jones.

Yet, despite the potential violence that could befall Americans, the good reverend has not given up his cause yet. Why? Well, for lack of a better (and more rational) reason, I’d have to say it’s because he hates America.

Or… maybe he’s just ignorant.

In conclusion…

If you’re thinking about burning a Quran this Saturday, don’t do it. Light up a candle and say a prayer for our troops instead. Or say a few words for those that lost their lives back in 2001.

Don’t contribute to this movement of ignorance and hate. Just don’t. Muslim Americans are Americans and to think that they’re any different than you or me because they worship differently is UN-American.

And now, because I can’t think of a better way to end this thing I give you this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHlopjHepEw

Listen to Rodney, people. Listen to him.

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger SugarTits.

Shit’s bad. And we know it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That’s great and all, but I want new shit. Shiny shit. Sparkly shit.

We may be scraping pennies together to buy a McDonald’s Value Meal, but this is America, god damn it. Where consumerism is next to godliness. Where jackasses (like me and most of the other ITE? writers) make their livings (in the most loose sense of the term) in marketing by creating ads telling us to buy more crap. Yeah, you’re welcome.

You’d think, that by sitting behind a computer every day helping to create these ads, I’d be less susceptible to shitty commercials. Oh, but no. I’m a sucker for a good lip gloss commercial. It’s safe to say that I own enough lip gloss to supply a tranny army.  So, yes, commercials work. And they make me want things.

So what do I want this week?

The Easy Toothbrush

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIWY2gMCwdE

Before you get all “more hygienic than thou” on your fancy dental high horse, give me a listen.

Brushing your teeth is hard work. I generally don’t do it for just that reason. Just as the wonderful lady in the ad shows, brushing my teeth with that antiquated square brush makes me frowny face. So I’ve taken to sticking my face in an aquarium and letting the plankton take care of any plaque and/or popcorn kernels that are sullying my smile. This also allows me to pretend I’m Nemo, a whale or The Little Mermaid for a few minutes. And who doesn’t like regressing to childhood? And by “childhood” I mean last night when I watched Finding Nemo and The Little Mermaid back-to-back while in my WonderWoman PJs, drinking hot cocoa wine, wedged in between an army of stuffed animals and sobbing softly to myself… why don’t I have a boyfriend?

Whoa …where was I?

Oh, Easy Toothbrush.

So, apparently “major companies have been selling a brush they call a  toooooothbrush (the extra emphasis homeboy puts on the “oooo” lets you know he’s serious).” And that just won’t do.

“A square brush for a round mouth!?” That’s crazy talk. And let’s just ignore the fact that Blondie has some kind of bizarre toothbrush with a crazy bent handle and over exaggerates a shit-ton. Commercials are the TRUTH.

With Easy Toothbrush, you get the superiority of design — a ROUND brush for a ROUND mouth. Imagine!  (NOTE: the first time I watched this, I heard it as “round brush for a round hole.” That opens up a whole new bucket of opportunity.) And Blondie gives it a nod of approval. So you know it’s good.

For only $14.95 (plus shipping and handling, of course) you get 4 Easy Toothbrushes/a yearly supply.

Is that an either/or statement? Do we get a choice when ordering? I’ll take the yearly supply please. Fuck just 4 of ‘em. I want 52 — a fresh Easy Toothbrush for each week. If I’m going to start brushing my teeth now, I might as well go big, right?

I really think the Easy Toothbrush is the answer to all of my dental needs.

And my other round hole needs.

What? Don’t judge me.

[SugarTits lives in Dallas and has round hole needs. Yikes.]

--

Previously on “I want that!”

• Snazzy Napper
• Seat Solution
• FUSHIGI

Well, it’s official. I’m tired of 3D.

What was once a glorious piece of Hollywood hokum has now become the hottest movie-making (and marketing) crutch since super heroes. It’s sad.

But before I fully poop on 3D let me take a second to state my official stance on the medium:

I’ll always have an appreciation for 3D when it’s done right (haters can hate but Avatar was mind blowing… and worth three extra bucks a ticket), but unfortunately good, proper 3D is becoming more and more rare. Instead we’re getting shit movies like Clash of the Titans and that one where the white kids pretend to be Asian and do Captain Planet stuff that have been turned into 3D at the last minute. Movies like Avatar or any of the Pixar movies are made from the start with 3D in mind and it shows. Movies like those others are made for 2D and then slapped with what is essentially a coat of 3D paint. It’s shit. And it’s a waste of money.

And unfortunately it doesn’t look like it’s going to get better any time soon.

Below are 5 reasons why I feel the 3D fad has gone sour.

5. Justin Bieber is making a 3D movie

Trust me, I know how stale it is to make fun of the Bieber but I can’t help it. He’s currently planning his first feature film and it’s going to be a 3D concert film/biopic. Yes biopic. Because all the world needs is a fucking biopic of a 16-year old pop star. And a 3D biopic at that. I hope it’s done in a similar biographical style to that John Adams miniseries that was on HBO a while back. That thing was powerful. Can you imagine if that would have been in 3D? Yeah… that would’ve been really awful.

Wait… what am I talking about?

Ah yes, the Biebs. I need a 3D Bieber movie like I need a 3D Jonas Brothers movie. Oh wait… they made one of those already, didn’t they. Shit. Well in that case, I need a 3D Bieber movie like I need a hole in my head.

4. Prescription 3D glasses

There are a few glasses manufacturers that are currently making prescription 3D glasses. Yeah.

I really can’t talk too much shit about this one though because I’m blessed with good vision. I can’t imagine what it must be like for people who have vision problems to not be able to partake in the 3D craze. They’re forced to buy tickets to the regular versions of 3D movies and save a considerable amount of money on each movie trip, which totally sucks. And they’re not left with a splitting headache after seeing a bad 3D movie. They’re really missing out on a lot.

It’s tragic.

Yeah. Next.

3. 3D has become an excuse to make REALLY shitty (and totally unnecessary) sequels

A new dimension of evil! Get it?!

Do we really need a Saw 7? Or a fourth film in the Underworld franchise? What about another Resident Evil movie? And did we really need to Step Up again?

Yeah, the answer on all accounts is a loud and informed “NO.” The simple fact that a fourth Underworld movie is in pre-production is proof that 3D is nothing more than Hollywood’s latest turd-polishing machine. That entire franchise peaked when Kate Beckinsale stripped off her latex “clothes” in the second one, yet somehow they pooped out a third movie that no one saw. And now, somehow, thanks to 3D, a fourth one is being planned. Bleh.

But it’s really the future that is scary on this one. Sure, there are some crap sequels coming now but can you imagine what might be next? National Treasure 3D? I can totally see that happening. Or how about The Fast and The Furious 5: Fastest Furiousest Faster 3D Fast Fast. Can’t you just see some stupid, big-ass car spoiler popping off the screen and into your popcorn? How cool would that be?

And let’s not limit this to only the movies. Last year NBC had to cancel Law and Order, but if 3D TV technology would have been a little farther along they could have pumped some life into the franchise by taking it into the third dimension. Law and Order 3D would have been the bees knees.

The future is filled with so many possibilities… to make shit.

2. That fucking Train song

Speaking of 3D TVs, Samsung started advertising their 3D TVs a few months back and they decided that it would be a good idea to put that obnoxious “Soul Sister” song by Train in their ads. Check it out:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ELeVLhpNo8

“HEEEEEEEYYYY!!! HEEEEYYY! HEEEEEYYYYY!!! TONIGHT!!!!”

SHUT THE FUCK UP, TRAIN SINGER/MOANER GUY!!!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

I’m not going to buy a 3D TV because 3D is a fad and I don’t want to wear glasses in my house while I watch Breaking Bad. And now I’m especially not going to buy a Samsung 3D TV because that song is like an ear disease.

1. Phish made a 3D movie

Look at these idiots:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DStWwsEW1Cc

If they’re not evidence that 3D has gone sour, then I don’t know what is.

--

So, in summation, I am not saying that 3D needs to be destroyed, just scaled back down to the gimmick that it is. It’s not the future of entertainment, it’s a fun diversion from a typical movie-watching experience that, when done well (which is rare), can be fun and exciting.

I don’t want it to go away, I just want everyone to chill out about it a little bit.

Aaaaaand… I think that’s all I got.

As part of their “GYT: Get Yourself Tested” campaign, Yahoo! News reported this morning that MTV and Foursquare are “rewarding” peeps who check in at STD testing centers! Finally that burning sensation during urniation can lead to a reward.

Oh what’s that, Foursquare & MTV?

It’s not a monetary reward? No discount at the testing center? Not even a free condom or pregnancy test?!

It’s a custom badge!

More like "Unlock the chastity belt"

According to the article, “The badge itself is lime green and black, with the letters “GYT” emblazoned in the middle.”

LAME.

But no worries—I’ve got some suggestions.

"I've got the Syph. Leave me alone"

"I'm clean—let's fuck!"

"AIDS-free since '93"

"HERPES!!"

Look, I certainly support folks getting tested for stuff (hey—I’m no asshole!) and I’m DEFINITELY cool with Foursquare, when checking in gets me 10% off or a free drink with purchase. It’s a recession, after all.

But the “custom badge” shit just doesn’t blow my skirt up. Sorry.

Leave me your suggestions for what the custom Foursquare badges could say below in the comments. Spanks.

Back to your regularly scheduled check-ins, my fellow dorks.

Follow breadwinner on twitter. It’s completely STD-free.

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE guestblogger SugarTits.

Shit’s bad. And we know it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That’s great and all, but I want new shit. Shiny shit. Sparkly shit.

We may be scraping pennies together to buy a McDonald’s Value Meal, but this is America, god damn it. Where consumerism is next to godliness. Where jackasses (like me and most of the other ITE? writers) make their livings (in the most loose sense of the term) in marketing by creating ads telling us to buy more crap. Yeah, you’re welcome.

You’d think, that by sitting behind a computer every day helping to create these ads, I’d be less susceptible to shitty commercials. Oh, but no. I’m a sucker for a good lip gloss commercial. It’s safe to say that I own enough lip gloss to supply a tranny army.  So, yes, commercials work. And they make me want things.

So what do I want this week?

Snazzy Napper

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MthSUD8cMqk

Because nothing says self respect and refined class like a face blanket adorned with a sheep.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but public napping isn’t necessarily something you want to call attention to. Plane napping is one thing, but if you’re hanging out in Grand Central, it may not behoove you to wear a “I’m napping” billboard on your face. “I’m passed out and my face is covered. Please come fuck with me. Take my purse and my laptop. Really, it’s fine. I’m napping snugly under this bizarro starry burka. So I’m totally cool with it.”

If you ever see someong hanging out on the train in the large, starry Snazzy Napper, be careful. I foresee a breakout of public mastrubation ‘neath the cover of an innocient Snazzy Napper. Seriously.

One of my favorite things is at about 0:25 in.  This poor actress is demonstrating this POS on a garage sale sofa in front of a large window (my guess is in some sleazy office park in Scranton, PA).  She lifs it up to the window, and BAM. This bitch is see-through. It’s not so comfy is it? Nope — it looks to be tissue thin.

And let’s not get started on the insane industrial chemicals you’d be breathing in with that polyurethane blanket all up in your nose face.

But hey, maybe the tissue thin plastic fabric smell would be a welcome change from that all-too-familiar airplane fart/BO/indian food smell.

So, ITE friends, please send me one large, stary Snazzy Napper c/o ITE headquarters.

I’ve got some napping (and public masturbating) to do.

[SugarTits lives in Dallas and is a bit crass.]

--

Previously on “I want that!”

• Seat Solution
• FUSHIGI
• Cami Secret

The economy sucks. We all know this.

And even I have to admit that sometimes bitching about it gets a little old.

So with that in mind, I started this feature here at ITE. It’s called “Distractions” and it’s designed to help take your mind off of our current economic shitstorm — if only for a few minutes.

DISTRACTION #23: Kristianne Baille

I like this one a lot.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=POcuiqRTbnM

Honestly, I don’t have much to say to accompany this one.

I like Kristen Bell (or as it’s spelled here: Kristen Belle).

And I like Christian Bale.

And I like silly accents, so this video really is a win-win-win for me.

Yeah… that’s all I got.

--

Previous distractions:

• Antoine Dodson
• Baby Preacher
• Mel Gibson Rant Quotes (Presented By Kittens)
• The Legend
• The weird kid at the end of Back to the Future Part III

Please give. All proceeds go to black hair dye. As is God's will.

My bosses at ITE are really hoping I don’t start a series called “Holy Horseshit” wherein I profile snake-oil salesman of all religions and even go undercover at monstrosities like the upcoming First Baptist Dallas temple of opulent doom. But I cry a lot when I don’t get my way, and it’s embarrassing for everyone. Soooo…. here we go.

The power of Popoff

Do you have crippling credit card debt? Has the bank threatened to send hired goons to extract car or mortgage payments from you by any means necessary? Are you still paying your student loans even though your degree didn’t get you the career you wanted so you think you should get a full refund? (Damn you, journalism school!)

Well, fret no more! Your prayers have been answered. Literally.

Peter Popoff is the hilariously named evangelist who was best known in the 70s and 80s for being a vessel through which God spoke and healed the infirm. Except that God turned out to be his wife feeding him names and other info through his earpiece. This technique was meticulously recreated in the muckraking documentary “Fletch Lives.”

And the infirm were often made to look more infirm than they were, so when they, for instance, stood up from a wheelchair, it wasn’t so much a miracle as it was Popoff’s people unnecessarily seating fully ambulatory attendees in those wheelchairs when they arrived at Popoff’s house of lies. That scam was documented in the “Fletch Lives” sequel “Leap of Faith.”

But what a racket!

Water is thicker than debt

After some godless heathen exposed Popoff as a fraud (see video below), he went bankrupt and retreated to the open arms of late-night TV where he preached the same fake gospel to people in real need. And now he’s back… to let you know… he can really shake ‘em down. For everything they’re worth.

Introducing Miracle Spring Water (and Debt Cancellation Kit, featuring the Anointed Faith Tool, which looks like a little Martian Jesus). It’s the miracle that washes away financial trouble and replaces it with financial trouble plus a bottle of water.

All you have to do is follow Popoff’s instructions on how to use the water, whatever those instructions may be, and God will produce however much money you need. He doesn’t explain where God gets the money. If He gets it the way Popoff does, He shamelessly cons the dumb and desperate.

See, the best part is that if you send in your prayer and receive your water, you’ll be bombarded with letters from Popoff begging for money—even before the miracle water has a chance to do its stuff! And from what I can tell, he spends all his income on hair dye. I’m not sure why he doesn’t use his own Miracle Spring Water to get rich. Unless the miracles he speaks of are just part of a pyramid scheme. In which case, I’ve performed a few miracles my goddamn self.

Personally, I would wait until I actually had miracle money to waste before I wasted it on Popoff. I will, however, waste Popoff’s money by frequently calling his 800 number and returning his postage-paid donation forms (sans donations). I suggest you do the same.

I just hope he’s buried in a public place when he dies, so I can dance on his grave and anoint it with my own brand of Miracle Spring Urine.

Hello, friends.

So, last year ITE? made a play to get into SXSWi (in conjunction with some of the brilliant minds at fiveoclockdallas.com and iliveindallas.com), and succeeded. We went, we spoke, we conquered. It was rad.

And now we want to do it all over again… and, like last year, we need your help.

But before we go any further, please check out this quick video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGHG4JxTrbY

If that video didn’t pique your interest (or at least entertain you) at all, then check out this quick description of our panel idea:

“Last year, six average Joes couldn’t tweet their way out of a paper bag. But they banded together and used each other’s strengths to make their dream of speaking at SXSWi a reality. Learn how they leveraged the power of social media strategy, exceptional content, and relentless self promotion to get their panel accepted. In this panel, we’ll take you through every step of the process: -Brainstorming an idea that doesn’t suck -Using every tool at your disposal to promote the hell out of that idea -Preparing yourself for the opportunity of a lifetime -And making the most out of it once you’re there.”

Basically it’s a panel idea that we want to get picked about how to create a panel idea that you want to get picked. It’s sort of like the Inception of SXSWi panel ideas… or something.

So now if you’ve made it this far down on the page you must really want to vote, but how do you do it?

It’s easy:

• Create an account in order to vote/comment on our panel here — http://panelpicker.sxsw.com/users/register
• Check your email and validate your account  (don’t worry, you are not signing onto any e-mail lists by giving SXSW your information)
• Click on or paste the link below in your browser and give it a thumbs up!

http://panelpicker.sxsw.com/ideas/view/5763

And that’s all there is to it. We need all the help we can get so please tell your friends about our little campaign. We couldn’t have done it last year without you guys, and we surely can’t do it this year without you… so please give us a hand… or at least a thumb.

THANKS!

NOTE: The following article comes from ITE? guestblogger T-Bag.

The economy sucks, but movies don’t. These installments are designed to let you, the intelligent and discerning moviegoer, know which flicks (current and otherwise) may be worthy of your hard-earned time and money.

Today I’m going to talk about:

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Dear General American Movie Going Public,

What the fuck?

Seriously, I thought we were cool. Collectively, we’ve made Inception a monster hit, we didn’t take our kids to see Cats and Dogs 2 and we haven’t held The Sorcerer’s Apprentice against Nicholas Cage.

But I needed you this weekend, and you said you’d be there. You even accepted my Facebook event invitation. Yet, after looking at the dismal box office returns for Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, I am forced to come to a terrible conclusion:

Ya’ll are a bunch of goddamned flakes.

Listen, I’m not going to blame you entirely. There was a lot going on this weekend. Sylvester Stallone was blazing his completely earned comeback trail, Julia Roberts was eating frozen yogurt and looking all cute and Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg were successfully apologizing for Land of the Lost and The Happening, respectively. When mainstream cinema is doing its job, and it certainly was this weekend, I can forgive when the mass populace ignores a near perfect gem. Fight Club, Children of Men, The Big Lebowski… all celebrated examples of their genre, all total box office flops.

What I can’t forgive is what you’ve done to Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.

I wouldn’t be so upset if it weren’t for all the Scott Pilgrim Avatar pics that have inundated my newsfeed. You obviously knew about the movie, had fun with its style and, due to Universal’s astounding marketing campaign, were given enough information to know exactly what Scott Pilgrim was all about. Apparently, nothing quite sunk in.

So what the hell is Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World all about?

In the simplest of terms, it’s about a dude named Scott Pilgrim who’s in love with a chick named Ramona Flowers. To earn her love, he has to defeat all seven of her evil exes, and he’s got to do it video game style.

I’ll be the first to admit, though it’s high concept as all hell, the plot isn’t the most accessible storyline for a major studio release (Though neither is a heist film set within the landscape of the human mind, but we’ve already covered that HERE).

So what the hell is the movie really all about?

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is the future of movies as we know them, and you are missing it. It captures the current generation better than (500) Days of Summer, it builds its world with more vibrancy than seen in Avatar and creates action sequences and set pieces that rival anything in Michael Bay’s filmography (and if you’re going to argue that Bay is a terrible action director, you’re confusing style with substance. I recommend that you fire Armageddon onto your Netflix streaming and choke back the tears when Bruce Willis blows himself up). Scott Pilgrim ingests and spews pop culture of the past 20 years with such a wonderful rhythm, it’s impossible not to groove on it, not to see some part of yourself up there on screen playing along with it.

Which all sounds really awesome. So why didn’t you go?

Is it Cera?

Did Michael Cera make you stay away in droves? That dude’s getting some really strange criticism these days. It seems we, as an audience, have arbitrarily slated him as a one-note actor “who always plays the same part.” Fine. But can’t we level the same complaints at the entire cast of Grown-Ups? Because after a gross of 191 million, we all seem pretty okay with the niche those actors have carved for themselves. I think it’s a little unfair to slap down a 22-year-old actor with great comic timing because he hasn’t had the chance to craft a full and nuanced on-screen persona. Do you need him to take his dick out in a production of Equus? Or do you want to lend him the benefit of the doubt, give him the room to play with his character type, and let the man grow into a comedic powerhouse?

Because if you’re willing to get over that imposed stigma, you’re going to find Cera gives a performance subtly deadpan yet massively broad enough to allow you to forget anything he’s played before. The film’s suspension of disbelief depends on whether or not you believe Scott Pilgrim actually exists. Cera pulls that off like gangbusters.

Though it’s not just him. Scott Pilgrim is an ensemble film of the highest order. There’s Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Ramona Flowers, Ellen Wong as Knives Chau, Kieran Culkin as Wallace Wells, and (my personal favorite) Mark Webber as Sex Bob-Omb frontman Stephen Stills. They’re believable characters in an unbelievable world. Each actor brings honesty, wit and stability to the kinetic madness of the film.

That’s not even taking into account those portraying the evil exes. Each one is unique, sells their character and adds over-the-top depth to the proceedings. Especially my man Brandon Routh, who has risen from the ashes of the underrated Superman Returns like an awesome phoenix of screwball crazy.

Though all the talent is overshadowed by the movie’s true star: Director Edgar Wright.

This is a guy who deserves your attention. Who, after the one-two punch of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, should have already had your attention. This is a filmmaker infused with the irreverence of Sam Raimi, the wit of the Coen Bros., and the batshit quirks of Quentin Tarantino.

Edgar Wright isn’t making movies for teenyboppers, he’s not crafting studio franchises that will net him massive box office payouts, and he isn’t pandering to the wants and desires of general audiences. Edgar Wright is making movies for you. You. Specifically. No one else.

And you didn’t show up to his party.

Here’s the thing. I’m actually not trying to guilt you or piss you off for not checking out Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. If you don’t want to see it, I don’t really care. Do I think you should see it? Fuck yeah, I do. It’s maybe my favorite movie I’ve seen all year, and it’s destined to become one of those flops that accrues great appreciation, like aforementioned failure The Big Lebowski. Whether you love it or hate it, you’re probably going to see it eventually. So, in the end, do what you will.

With any luck, this will be the first of many monthly movie columns for ITE. I plan to touch on new releases that I think you should see and older flicks you may have overlooked. Beware. I get impassioned. So much so, I’ve tasted the vitriol of friends who have hated movies I’ve enthusiastically recommended. Several times in my life, I’ve heard the following sentence: “I’m never trusting your movie reviews again.” Despite the fact that this is incredibly disrespectful, they have a point. I sometimes tend to see strengths in films that other people might reject. I promise that if I ever begin a sentence with, “No, no. The first Hostel is actually a great coming-of-age story,” I won’t be offended when you immediately roll your eyes.

Besides, as my article on The Boondock Saints has proven, the comment section is always ready and waiting for your colorful assessment of my written opinion.

[T-Bag still resides in Los Angeles, California. Everyday is an uphill struggle as he continually defends his claim that Ocean’s 12 was the best movie of 2004.]

We here at ITE don’t get a ton of (e)mail, but when we do get some it’s usually pretty awesome. So from now on, if we encounter a really great note or hilarious piece of spam, we’re going to post it so that we can all laugh about it together.

Because laughing really is the best medicine. Or something.

So, with that said, today’s piece of (e)mail comes from M.E. who had this to say:

“I assume you and your family are in good health.

I am the Foreign Operations Manager in African Development Bank Group here in Burkina Faso .  This being a wide world in which it can be difficult to make new acquaintances and because it is virtually impossible to know who is trustworthy and who can be believed, i have decided to repose confidence in you after much fasting and prayer.   It is only because of this that I have decided to confide in you and to share with you this confidential business.

In my bank; there resides an overdue and unclaimed sum of nine million six hundred thousand United States dollars ($9,600,000.00).  When the account holder suddenly passed away in a private jet crash, he left no beneficiary who would be entitled to the receipt of this fund.  For this reason, I have found it expedient to transfer this fund to a trustworthy individual with capacity to act as foreign business partner.  Thus i humbly request your assistance to claim this fund.

Upon the transfer of this fund in your account, you will take 45% as your share from the total fund, 10% will be shared to Charity Organizations in both country and 45% will be for me.

Please if you are really sure you can handle this project, contact me immediately

I am looking forward to read from you soon.
Thanks
Yours Good friend,”

Oh my. It’s finally happened. WE HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN OUR FIRST AFRICAN “I WANT TO RANDOMLY GIVE YOU SOME MONEY I JUST FOUND” EMAIL!

Best Africa art ever.

This is a really big deal for the following reasons:

• We are going to be rich… obviously.
• It shows that our contact email addy has finally slipped out into the deep end of the Internet. It won’t be long now until we start getting daily broken English erectile dysfunction emails with subject lines that say things like, “don’t be a weak in the bed, be a man in your head.” That’s REALLY exciting!
• It shows that somehow these emails are still going out despite this being one of the most played-out scams of all time.
• Did I mention we’re going to be rich. 45% of $9.6 milly is a lot of money! WOOOO!!!!

Yeah.

I think my favorite part of this email is that the mysterious benefactor who came out of nowhere to float us this amazing offer didn’t even bother to type his name at the bottom. Who are you, M.E.? WHO ARE YOU??!?! HOW CAN I TRUST YOU?!

I don’t even think he’s a prince. Weak sauce.

And that’s it for this episode of the ITE (e)mailbag! YEAH! Check out the last episode HERE.

What’s that smell?

Oh nothing… just an inventive free food scheme… and some burritos.

Check it out:

So I guess it’s not exactly FREE food, but I had to get your attention somehow. Oh, and if you don’t live in Texas and are wondering what that whole tax free weekend thing is about, well, just ignore this post. It’s not for you. Sorry.

But all of that aside, the important thing here is that if you go to Chipotle tomorrow for lunch and keep your receipt, you can have Chipotle for free this weekend.

And I think that’s pretty cool.