Ohhh, so that's what a merkin is!

Hey ladies!

Have you ever wanted to fuck a fox? And I mean an actual fox, from like a forest or whatever, but you didn’t quite have the lady-balls to get out there and risk a brush with poison ivy to do it? Well, you’re in luck, because this chick named Cindy Barshop, who is featured on one of those soul-sucking, Real Housewives train-wrecks-of-a-reality-show, has a plan to turn your beaver area into a PETA nightmare. It’s called the Foxy Bikini, in which post-wax, a pubic wig, or merkin (which was already a thing, often used in the filming of 70′s movies)is applied to your Downtown Brown. It’s just close enough to sexing a real fox without all that messy bestiality nonsense. Besides, the fox is dead. And it’s just its fur. So, totally different.

Foxes not your type? No worries there either, bitches, because Barshop sexy up your lady area with other types of natural, animal parts. How do you feel about feathers? This rainbow-colored “vaginal headdress” is just the thing! And the best part is, only you and your bulging, furry crotch will know what lies beneath.

Go out and get you some. I suggest pairing the Foxy with some plaid. And the Carnivale-esque feather one with a stripper pole. Plus, according to TMZ, a fox buffer will set you back roughly $225. Which is a hell of a lot less expensive than having to deal with a half-human, half fox “Oops” baby.

File this under holy shit you have to be kidding me.

The TSA keeps track of all the money people leave behind at security checkpoints and in 2010 the collective total of all those coins reached $409,085.56. It was not disclosed at press time if this number was before or after the Coinstar $.09/dollar fee came out.

Seriously though: Holy shit you have to be kidding me.

JFK International Airport in New York City was the biggest contributor, offering a whopping $47,000 in loose change over a 365-day stretch.

Maybe it’s because I’m a bit thrifty, but I would never just leave my change in the little plastic bowl. I mean, you’re already reaching in there to retrieve your keys and your phone, so why would you leave your coins behind? And how could more than $400k in change be left behind? That’s just insane. In this economy?

It has yet to be determined where the money should go but the top two potential destinations are a giant donation to the USO or back into the TSA budget. Personally I’m hoping for the former because the TSA doen’t need 400 more thousand in their “how can we find ways to brush our hands against people’s nipples in the name of security” budget.

In the meantime though just pick up your change. Stop giving your money away.

How’s that for a sensational headline? Pretty solid, right.

But what is this dick mouth I’m speaking of? Is it an STD? Some sort of fungus? Or is it simply the non-medical condition that makes people say ridiculously dickish things when microphones are in front of them for a prolonged period of time?

Yeah, it’s that third one. And Mitt Romney is really suffering from it lately.

As we all know by now, last week Mitt proclaimed how much he loves to fire people… which is a pretty dickish comment, especially coming from a guy who made his entire fortune by basically firing people.

Then yesterday the Mittsy Bitsy Spider said this in regards to the nation’s growing focus on income inequality:

“You know, I think it’s about envy.”

You see Mitt thinks the incredible disparity between our nation’s “middle” class and rich folks is simply being highlighted because of envy. Take Mitt for example, the only reason people keep knocking him is because they are jealous of him and his good hair millions. It’s not because he’s a waffler, or a robot, or a waffling robot.

So why is his comment dickish?

Well, it might not be fair to say this but it’s dickish because Mitt is filthy rich. If Rick “Everyman” Santorum came out and said something like this it would be an insight. A stupid insight, but an insight all the same. But because Mitt is rich, his calling the attention on income inequality “envy” just sounds like a shitty, bratty kid.

We’ll have to see what Mitt’s dick mouth says next. Stay tuned.

From the makers of your toaster...

Dear America,

This is why you’re fat. Oh, and also poor. In my own not-humble-at-all opinion, if you can’t bother to shake up a fucking martini yourself, you don’t deserve one. Or drink the damn thing stirred, because that’s the manly way to order a martini anyway. What are you, some sort of pussy like James Bond!? I don’t care if it’s just $39! UGH–just go ahead and get your Groupon on; you should be ashamed of yourself. All 190 of you (at the time of this posting).
Kisses,

Breadwinner

P.S.: Shame on you, Waring Pro.
P.P.S.: Mmmm. That felt good. 

Recently a photo from an Osaka-based department store has been circulating around the Web. In the photo, well, here just look for yourself:

It’s a fuckin’ sale! Yes! I can only assume this store already had a freakin’ sale so it was time to turn up the heat a little bit.

I am a little thrown off by the fact that this fuckin’ sale is only good for 20% off everything though. You’d think a fuckin’ sale would be a bigger deal than just a fifth off your final bill but I’m no expert on what makes a fuckin’ sale a fuckin’ sale.

I look forward to their upcoming fuck your mother sale and their upcoming bestiality is okay by me sale. Also the month long fuckathon sales event will be fantastic

Yay cussing!

I’m not intentionally trying to pile on the Chipmunks but I feel like this needs to be reported.

I recently brought home a delicious bunch of bananas from my local grocery store and noticed something on them. Check it out:

You see that? The little sticker on there. The sticker that is normally reserved for a simple logo seems to have been replaced by something else. Let’s take a closer look.

It’s a QR code for the new Alvin and the Chipmunks film that’s offering a ringtone in exchange for scanning.

So why is this stupid terrible marketing?

1. It’s a QR code… on a banana. In the Hall of Fame of stupid places to put a QR code this is pretty high on the list. The top spot still goes to highway-side QR code billboards, but seriously, why is there a QR code on the completely disposable outer shell of my potassium-packed produce? Am I supposed to scan it in the middle of the store? Or wait until I have the bananas at home on my counter? Is my kid supposed to scan the QR code as he takes the banana out of his/her lunchbox? What is the point?

2. What does Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked have to do with bananas? I understand that when you have a HOT property like the unanimously abysmal Chipmunks franchise you want to market it hard across as many channels as you can but this one just doesn’t make sense. Chipmunks are not related to bananas in any way. It’s forced. And stupid. And terrible. If it was movie about Chimp Monks I might allow it. Can you imagine that? A sweet monastery full of chimps, chanting out pop songs while making PG-rated jokes about eating bananas and MONKey-ing around. That’s box office gold, and in that case the banana placement would actually make a tiny bit of sense.

3. Why is the QR code offering me a ringtone? Do people still seek out ringtones? And if yes, do they really seek them out at the same time that they’re thinking about chowing down on a banana? I don’t think so.

So, in summation, Chipmunk ringtone QR codes on bananas are a really stupid idea. I just hope they don’t get a good response from this because if they do no produce or food item will be safe.

And with that, I’m done blogging about the Chipmunks. I promise.

The movies are a magical place.

You sit down, look up at the big screen and, during an ideal experience, get transported to another world. Whether it’s a Star Wars-ian sci-fi landscape or the comfortable confines of a romantic comedy, the transformative qualities of movies are amazing.

That is, unless you have someone in the theatre distracting you.

For example, earlier this week in a movie theatre in Chicago, a man bought a ticket to see a 4pm showing of Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked.

This was his first mistake.

After that the man, Edward Brown (pictured below in full orthodontic wet dream mode), decided it would be best to sit in the front row. That was mistake #2.

And then, finally, he decided to strip off all of his clothes and give all of his fellow theatre inhabitants a show.

Three mistakes and you’re out.

The man was quickly ushered out of the theatre and arrested. He later claimed that a woman who worked at the theatre promised him “drugs and sex” if he went in and waited for her in the nude in the front row. This druggy, sexy lady was never found though, which is really surprising.

The worst part of the whole thing is that this guy did it during Chipwrecked, which is probably one of the top 3 movies of the year. I mean, come on dude, you couldn’t go and disturb a shitty movie like War Horse or We Bought a Zoo with your peep show antics? Have some respect.

In a related story, I once saw a showing of A Serious Man in which a (presumably) homeless man attempted to masturbate in the seat directly behind me.

BUT, we’ll save that for another time.

Okay, so maybe the end of the world won't be so bad after all...

It’s not even 2012 yet, but I figure that in a few minutes, we’ll either be in the middle of Reign of Fire or not. But if we are about to enter a The Day After Tomorrow situation, it’s important to decide whether you’re going to be a Jake Gyllenhaal or just some frozen son-of-a-bitch who gave up and just died. I say let’s be Jakes and kick some ass, at least until The Core stops the Earth from turning and kills us (however that would work). Today is our Independence Day! Now’s not the time for laziness. Or more Terminator jokes. Oops.

It’s not entirely crazy to think that in today’s War of the Worlds environment where fighting, hate and killing appears to be more widespread than ever, that the big guy up there might give up on us like he did once before. Who knows if Noah even said “No Backsies!” when he saw the rainbow after the flood?! So this “End of the World” or “Rapture” or End of Days or whatever it is has gotten me thinking. What will happen after all those saint-like folks disappear? What will happen to their worldly possessions? I suppose it’s only right for all of us sinners to collect. They certainly won’t miss any of it where they’re going, right?

Here’s some ideas I came up with.

Top 5 Ways to Get Rich when the World Ends:

1) Pillaging
the homes of the happily departed. Obvi.

2) Prostitution
Why avoid more sinning when there’s no getting into heaven anyway? Let’s bang!

3) Hocking bungee cords
for all those impending giant holes in the earth caused by earthquakes. Simply tie it to something sturdy.

4) Solar power
I’m sure solar is gonna be big in the post-Apocalyptic world (and I know a guy.)

5) Zombie Repellent
Who cares if it works? When Dawn of the Dead comes you’ll pay big to try it out.

I’m sure there are many more, but I’m trying to post this before 6:00 so I’m just going to wrap it up here.

Anyway, this brush with possible apocalyptic death has had a Deep Impact on me. Even if we don’t die in a painful, scary Armageddon, it’s time to recommit to this blog. And if I’m not here tomorrow, or 28 Days Later than that, or at least if the Internet doesn’t work, well, then I don’t have to follow through I suppose.

Being a hippie can save you a few bucks on Earth Day. Just grab your hippie travel mug and drag your hippie ass to Starbucks and they’ll fill it up for free. Check the facebook page for more info.

If you aren’t a hippie but still want free coffee, you can ask for your free stuff in a ceramic mug instead and drink-in. Or you may purchase a travel mug at a 20% discount. Hooray!

Either way, be careful, the beverage you’re about to enjoy is extremely FREE.

It’s that time of year again.

Time to visit your local Ben & Jerry’s scoop shop and get a cone’s worth of one of their delicious ice cream flavors. They have that one that tastes like Jerry Garcia and that other one that tastes like Stephen Colbert and that other new one that tastes like Jimmy Fallon.

They have it all, so go HERE and find your local B&J shop. Oh, and Free Cone Day is from 12-8, so make it a part of your lunch plans now!

Do it!

When: TOMORROW, Thursday, April 7

Where: Jimmy John’s locations in north Texas

What: $1 sandwiches!!

Why: Customer Appreciation Day… or something. I heard it on the radio this morning.

one buck. one sandwich. one day only.

Needless to say, in this economy a dollar saved is a dollar earned or a dollar spent on a formerly five dollar sandwich. It’s fuzzy math but this time it works in your favor as Jimmy John’s, purveyors of “Gourmet Sandwiches Your Mom Wants You To Eat” serves up its famous sammies at a buck a piece. Tomorrow only, so get in to your local JJ.

Which brings up an interesting point.

JJ. I get it. Jimmy John’s. But JJ is awfully close to VJJ, which brings to mind that particular body part, awfully close to a food item. Not great. So, Jimmy John’s website, I do not want to make this location “My JJ.” I have already determined that particular location, and it is currently undisclosed to the general public and/or local sandwich shops.

Thanks a ton, breadwinner.

That all being said, I’m still going to scoot over to a JJ tomorrow and grab a sandwich for a buck.

Not sure what to order at Jimmy John’s? I recommend:

• The Bootlegger (#14)
• The Hunter’s Club (#10)

white or wheat (both are fab)…loaded with onions, sauce and spices, cut in half and served with a pickle, cut in quarters.

NOTE: Historically, at Jimmy John’s, if you order all of that, one thing will inevitably be wrong, but it’s hard to predict which one.

Good luck and enjoy!

Freebie Flyer

Dinner plans? Didn’t think so. Head to your local Jersey Mike’s (a favorite of the entire ITE team) and donate at least a buck to Wipe Out Kids’ Cancer for a FREE regular sub. Drocolate recommends the #13 Mike’s Way.

Enjoy, and HURRY!