Yeah so far it's alright

I tell you, I do what I want. I do what I like, when I like.

imphoreal@gmail.com (imPHOreal) — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 08:17:00 -0700

Hello.

I just feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. I'm not sure if it's me, the situation or the people. But I'm pretty sure it's me not having enough self-confidence. I think too much and i feel too much. And then it just kinda engulfs me into a continuous spiral of self-consciousness. I find it extremely difficult to understand how some people can be so confident. They don't even have to think twice, they just do it, they just say it. A lot of the times, it's because these people radiate so much confidence that it just flushes any amount of confidence I try to maintain into the drain. As much as i continuously try to persuade myself to be confident, by fervently repeating 'be confident be confident be confident', I never seem to be able to drill that line into my head. It's just really difficult to come out of my comfort zone. And it feels like I've already taken the largest first step and threw myself into uncharted waters. I wasnt as outspoken as I am right now. It took an eternity to convince myself that i couldn't keep waiting for people to approach me, instead, I had to put on a brave face and initiate friendships. And I swear by this ( most of the time)

Maybe I associate confidence with intimidation. I feel like I constantly find myself saying ' he/she is really scary'. And I kinda sink back into my shell, because their confidence intimidates me. It just recently occurred to me that I go out of my way to avoid dealing with situations like that. I dont know how to be around these people. I don't know what to say, i don't know how to act. Unfamiliarity is thrilling, but too much just makes me wish i was invisible. Especially because poly life is basically just like throwing a man into a foreign country. It makes me feel extremely disabled and disadvantaged, in terms of interpersonal skills. Although 10 years in Ij taught me plenty, it really sheltered me from how relentless the world really is.

Sometimes I label myself as shy. Other times, I think I'm the definition of extrovert. Maybe I'm a bit of both. Idk i feel like i take quite a large amount of time to actually feel comfortable around someone, but at the same time, i feel that i can adapt quite well. I'm still figuring that part out.

Meanwhile, I think I'm losing the confidence battle. But i don't want to lose anymore. Losing sucks. Feeling inadequate sucks. Caring too much is a waste of time, over-thinking the same. I'm done trying to please everyone. If poly taught me something, it's to not invest so much time into people and things that dont matter. Simply put, stop giving a shit.

So from now onwards, I'm not going to be self-conscious about how i look/dress/speak/act, I'm not going to think too much, I'm not going to allow people's perception or preconceived notions about me, get the better of me, because I'm sure they're too busy dealing with the same issue. I am going to be confident.

And like Chris kendall (crabstickz) once said in one of his animal impression videos (4) ,

' I tell you, I do what I want. I do what I like, when I like' - crabstickz

Tomorrow, I will wake up feeling confident. And I should have so many years ago.
( if i ever (no i wont) but if i ever sink back into my old less confident self again, i will reread this post and tell myself to stop being a little fegit.)

x

No bromo, ok a little bit of bromo

imphoreal@gmail.com (imPHOreal) — Sat, 6 Sep 2014 09:42:00 -0700

Like hey bro me up anytime, NOT.

I think I finally found the reason as to why I suck at life*. I am a........ bro.
Not like it's a bad thing to be a bro, but it just kinda sucks because i don't know what else i should be around them critters!!!!! Yes I'm going to refer to them as critters because they are confusing, hard to read and I just don't really know what they are driving at. But, extremely intriguing, funny, surprisingly kind and sweet, and adorable ( i just want to squish your face like ugh) Like ok sometimes SOMETIMES i look at my critter friends and I'm like YOU ARE SO CUTE?!? WHY HAVEN'T I NOTICED?! DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, IT'S VERY CUTE AND I DONT LIKE IT STOP IT!!! WAIT DONT STOP IT YOU ARE CUTE CONTINUE.

This happens all the time, I don't even know how to prevent the 'bro syndrome' anymore. Bless me, I need it. I meet a new critter and the critter is cute, so I prep myself. COME ON, DON'T BE A BRO THIS ONCE, COME ON THINK OF SOMETHING CUTE, LOOK CUTE, DON'T LAUGH LIKE A HIPPO, DON'T BE DIRTY!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!! And when the actual conversation starts i'm like ' hey there am nat what is your name homie?', it then all goes downhill and becomes a huge mess that cannot be salvaged. I try so hard to consciously remind myself not to slip into bro mood, but there seems to be some heavy resistance going on in my head, leading me to decide to slip back into the more comfortable BRO.

Tbh, there is literally no point to this post, it's just that I think I need to berated for all the opportunities I wasted, by simply calling them a fegit, because I'm too afraid to say that they are actually really cute! Basically, my vocab around critters translates to, ( actually this might apply to anyone)

1) Fegit = You are hella cute im just too shy and awkward to say it, because what if you stare at me and laugh and think it's ridiculous.
2)You are so retarded = NO!! you are not i think its really cute, but you probably wont talk to me if you knew, because myself esteem is lower than the marina trench tyvm.
3) Don't talk to me = TALK TO ME!!!
4) FAK U = Staph pls u make me wanna die and wanna crai ( in a good way)
5) * not liking your instagram photo* = I am not going to like this photo although its hella adorbz because I do not want you to think you are the shit.

I kinda feel like I'm being extremely hypocritical here........

Goodbye I am done. And i think i might even delete this post........ it's so cringe worthy. I'm not one to talk about things beyond my knowledge. I JUST WANT TO STOP BEING A BRO.

IM IN MI MUM'S CAR VROOM VROOM

imphoreal@gmail.com (imPHOreal) — Thu, 4 Sep 2014 11:37:00 -0700

Hi!!!!

I decided that I should start writing again. And hell no am I going to be using my old blog url (( CRINGE SO HARD MY CHINS BECOME PERMANENT )) But I kinda forgot how to write a professional blog entry..... So pls bear with me. It's probably going to end up like a sloppy, unorganized and extremely abbreviated mess. I promise to be more professional the next time round.

If you know me, then you would know that I have commitment issues, By that, I mean commitment to any social media platforms and iphone games. (esp that) Even the nitendo DS I begged for a few years ago is just strewn aside. And my Kardashian is probably losing close to a million fans by the second. That aside, I really hope I'll be able to dedicate and commit myself to running this blog.

So here's to the relaunch of my journey towards self-discovery, unappreciated opinions, emotional turmoil and incessant and insatiable hunger.

Stay tuned! ( idk why I'm asking you to stay tune when this blog is for myself but you are invited to sit in and watch me try life)

But before I end off, I just want to share this vine with you all. I would like to say I came across a gem.

https://vine.co/v/OBMpZZezajA

I swear, you won't regret this. I haven't stopped laughing since.

Goodnight :~)